Meh...
I'd like to say I'm doing well, I really would. But I'm not. I'm depressed, stressed and panic-y. I feel like everything is my fault. That I'm annoying. That I'm just this annoying whiny baby that pisses everyone off. I feel like my parents hate me, I'm lonely, so I want to hang out with my friends. Then I feel like I'm pushing myself upon them. None of you have actually done this or even made me feel like that... My mind is just making me paranoid.
Looking at myself daily wishing I was this pretty, talented, fun person that people just wanted to be around. Wishing I wasn't the size I am, and how I've gained 3 pounds and... it just feels like the end of the world. I worry that I'll never feel "pretty".
Sure, I take cam ho pictures of myself... but they don't portray how I really look. I look so much better in pictures then in real life. I'm pasty, redfaced, and chubby. Well.. I'm a lot more then chubby.. but whatever.
I'm not at the weight and size I wanted to be by this month... I started working out in June... and I feel like I've made 0 progress.
I try not to cry before I go to sleep, but I do a lot of the time. I feel like I'm constantly reaching out to people, being clingy and annoying. I'm perfectly fine when I'm hanging out with my friends. I have fun and laugh and yuck it up.. but then I get home and just crash emotionally.
I try so hard to have this care free personality but it just doesn't suit me I guess. I constantly worry. "Did I say something stupid?" "Am I being too loud?" "Am I being obnoxious?" "Do I need to get out of their face?" "Is my laugh too annoying"
I apologize for EVERYTHING. I apologize for everything because if I don't, I worry that it really was my fault and I haven't been polite by saying sorry... Does that make sense?
I'm sick of being nice to people that put me down and take pleasure from my pain. I'm sick of pretending to like them. But that's just not my way. Even someone I truly despise deserves respect, even if they don't respect me.
Plus, I miss my Lonny, Blanche is in enormous amounts of pain, and Kara-boo is all sad-ish too.... I worry :(
Looking at myself daily wishing I was this pretty, talented, fun person that people just wanted to be around. Wishing I wasn't the size I am, and how I've gained 3 pounds and... it just feels like the end of the world. I worry that I'll never feel "pretty".
Sure, I take cam ho pictures of myself... but they don't portray how I really look. I look so much better in pictures then in real life. I'm pasty, redfaced, and chubby. Well.. I'm a lot more then chubby.. but whatever.
I'm not at the weight and size I wanted to be by this month... I started working out in June... and I feel like I've made 0 progress.
I try not to cry before I go to sleep, but I do a lot of the time. I feel like I'm constantly reaching out to people, being clingy and annoying. I'm perfectly fine when I'm hanging out with my friends. I have fun and laugh and yuck it up.. but then I get home and just crash emotionally.
I try so hard to have this care free personality but it just doesn't suit me I guess. I constantly worry. "Did I say something stupid?" "Am I being too loud?" "Am I being obnoxious?" "Do I need to get out of their face?" "Is my laugh too annoying"
I apologize for EVERYTHING. I apologize for everything because if I don't, I worry that it really was my fault and I haven't been polite by saying sorry... Does that make sense?
I'm sick of being nice to people that put me down and take pleasure from my pain. I'm sick of pretending to like them. But that's just not my way. Even someone I truly despise deserves respect, even if they don't respect me.
Plus, I miss my Lonny, Blanche is in enormous amounts of pain, and Kara-boo is all sad-ish too.... I worry :(