convince yourself that everything is alright
If we have ever been friends
So it's been a while since I updated. A helluva lot has happened since. I don't know where to start... I guess I should start with the whole work fiasco. The story begins in 5th grade: there was a girl who, for reasons still unknown, hated me. But not only me, in 5th grade she hated my mom as well. She sent her life-threatening notes and such. My mom worked at my Elem. school, yet the principal wouldn't do anything about the fact that a student was threatening a school worker person. Then comes middle school, and this girl gains friends, and they all start bullying me. Now, I am no where near racist, but it just happens that all of these people are black. They spread rumours that I was racist. They threw food at me everyday at lunch. The would walk by me and elbow me in the ribs, trip me, etc. In band, I was supposed to be 1st chair, but they wouldn't let me sit there. They would physically force me out of the 1st chair and make me sit at the end cuz they said that there was no way some 'white bitch could be better than them'. They would call me fat and ugly every single day, during PE they'd yell "Run, Fatty/Whitey/Horsey, Run!!". They'd come up to me in the PE locker room and ask me where all the food was that I stored in my locker (though I had none..), cuz I 'must eat so damn much since [I'm] so fat'. They stole my yearbook and wrote Hey Horsey in it. On the last day of school, they went overboard. They threw heavy things at me, yet sometimes they would miss and hit my friends. I had huge purple/black bruises about the size of an egg all over me for weeks. I'd been used to them hurting me, but once they started hurting my friends, they had finally pushed my button. So I went with my friends to the band teachers to tell them what they were doing, and they didn't do anything. Then, when I left the band room to go to PE, they lined up in the narrow band hallway on both sides, and as I walked through, they would kick me and try to trip me. I thank God that Kasey and Caitlin and others were standing in front of, and behind, me, kind of as body guards. As soon as I was out of that hallway, I ran full out, down the hallway, dodging people, trying to escape them, and get into the PE locker room and change and be out of there before they got there. They bent my flute in half, thus I was out of commission (so to speak) for like 3 weeks in band cuz I had no flute, so I ended up being 2nd to last chair. Another year, on the last day of school (it seemed to be their favourite day), they did the same types of things again, and this time someone believed me, and eventually the girls got ISS for about 3 hours. But, as I was sitting in homeroom watching a movie, one of the girls breaks out, runs into my homeroom and launches herself at me. Luckily some of my friends were around me and blocked her. She's dragged out of the room, and my homeroom teacher then turns to me and yells at me for not telling her that there was an issue. Sorry, I thought I was safe cuz they were in ISS. Then, as we're heading out to the buses to go home, they all surround me and start kicking me. Luckily, Brooks (my hero) gets me out of the torture ring, and she pushes me out the door and blocks the doorway so they can't follow me, and I run on my bus and cry. It was last day of school, 8th grade. I never got to say goodbye to my friends, many of which were going to a diff school. I had hope that since most of them would be going to Sprayberry instead of Kell, I would be ok in highschool. But some of the things still happened. Food was still thrown at me freshman and still sometimes in sophomore year. Once, I was at the movies with a bunch of friends, and as me and Kasey were leaving, they spotted me, and started following me, yelling stuff, like White trash, and Fatty. Just as they were getting closer, Kasey's mom drives up in her car and I jumped in there as fast as I could. Now, most of you probably know about my severe depression and what-not. Well, because of these girls, I had tried to kill myself. Anyways.. back to the present. I walked into work one day about 2 weeks ago, and the ring leader, the one who started all of this, who wrote the notes to my mom, was working there. I immediately had a huge panic attack. Thankfully, Petey was there and I talked to him about it. Now we're trying to figure out how to schedule me and her on separate nights. Work used to be one of my favourite places to go(keep in mind, I have no life). I know, sounds weird but I had so much fun there. The people there are hilarious. Now she's there, and a bunch of my best friends there have left. I don't quite feel safe there anymore. *sigh* I already feel better getting that off my chest. Now, this is what I really need help with. Please, if you are my friend in any way, please read this. I know, I'm talking a lot, but I really need help. I seem to be having a lot of issues in the friends department. I have lots of friends, but I feel like I don't have any best friends, anyone who really wants to be around me. There are a ton ofpeople I would love to be better friends with, they're nice to me when it's just us, but once there are other people, I'm easily forgotten. tossed to the side. I'm never the person people come up to to talk to. I'm the one on the outside. If you think of things as social circles, there are the people in the middle of them, who everyone flocks to, who everyone invites to everything. Then there are the people on the outside. I'm one of those people on the outside. I belong to a bunch of different groups of friends, but I'm the outsider. I feel unwanted. For an example, on closing night of the musical, we all went out to eat. I love all the people in the musical. I think they're hilarious. I was soooo excited. I was actually invited to do something with people, and I could go and everything! I thought, Yes! I can finally be excepted. But as I get there, it was like no one even really acknowledged me. I sat at the very end. Everyone else was having sooooo much fun, and I wanted so badly to be a part of it, but I couldn't. I don't know, it was just like I'm not... cool enough, funny enough, whatever, to be a real part of things. I'm just kind of there. Now, don't take this as me saying these people are mean to me or whatever. They're not. I love them to death. But it was just a reminder of how much of an outsider I am. I don't know why no one ever invites me to go hang out with them, or whatever. I really need at least 1 close friend. I feel quite alone. I need that best friend you can always turn to. The inseparable friends. I used to have one like that, but she moved on. So can anyone tell me what is wrong (for lack of a better word) with me? Am I annoying? Talk too much? Too little? Stupid? Appear to be stuck-up? I know I'm negative, but I am working sooo hard on that, you have no idea. I've gotten so much better. So there must be something else. What is it? If anyone has any suggestions, comments, ideas, please let me know. I really want to be a better person, be accepted. That doesn't mean I'll conform to what 'all the cool kids are doing', but I do want to know how I can be more... wanted. All I ask is that you don't say anything rude, cuz that is the last thing I need right now. I have asked for help before and people just cuss me out and say I'm an annoying brat who no one wants to be around and that people just pretend to be my friend. You can be annonymous if you so desire, but please, just don't cuss me out. I don't need it. Thank you. Thank you for reading this, and for helping me. I love you all!! Call me if you want to do anything! <3 <3
I know it's long, but it would mean a lot to me if you read it.
Thank you <3 =D
So it's been a while since I updated. A helluva lot has happened since. I don't know where to start... I guess I should start with the whole work fiasco. The story begins in 5th grade: there was a girl who, for reasons still unknown, hated me. But not only me, in 5th grade she hated my mom as well. She sent her life-threatening notes and such. My mom worked at my Elem. school, yet the principal wouldn't do anything about the fact that a student was threatening a school worker person. Then comes middle school, and this girl gains friends, and they all start bullying me. Now, I am no where near racist, but it just happens that all of these people are black. They spread rumours that I was racist. They threw food at me everyday at lunch. The would walk by me and elbow me in the ribs, trip me, etc. In band, I was supposed to be 1st chair, but they wouldn't let me sit there. They would physically force me out of the 1st chair and make me sit at the end cuz they said that there was no way some 'white bitch could be better than them'. They would call me fat and ugly every single day, during PE they'd yell "Run, Fatty/Whitey/Horsey, Run!!". They'd come up to me in the PE locker room and ask me where all the food was that I stored in my locker (though I had none..), cuz I 'must eat so damn much since [I'm] so fat'. They stole my yearbook and wrote Hey Horsey in it. On the last day of school, they went overboard. They threw heavy things at me, yet sometimes they would miss and hit my friends. I had huge purple/black bruises about the size of an egg all over me for weeks. I'd been used to them hurting me, but once they started hurting my friends, they had finally pushed my button. So I went with my friends to the band teachers to tell them what they were doing, and they didn't do anything. Then, when I left the band room to go to PE, they lined up in the narrow band hallway on both sides, and as I walked through, they would kick me and try to trip me. I thank God that Kasey and Caitlin and others were standing in front of, and behind, me, kind of as body guards. As soon as I was out of that hallway, I ran full out, down the hallway, dodging people, trying to escape them, and get into the PE locker room and change and be out of there before they got there. They bent my flute in half, thus I was out of commission (so to speak) for like 3 weeks in band cuz I had no flute, so I ended up being 2nd to last chair. Another year, on the last day of school (it seemed to be their favourite day), they did the same types of things again, and this time someone believed me, and eventually the girls got ISS for about 3 hours. But, as I was sitting in homeroom watching a movie, one of the girls breaks out, runs into my homeroom and launches herself at me. Luckily some of my friends were around me and blocked her. She's dragged out of the room, and my homeroom teacher then turns to me and yells at me for not telling her that there was an issue. Sorry, I thought I was safe cuz they were in ISS. Then, as we're heading out to the buses to go home, they all surround me and start kicking me. Luckily, Brooks (my hero) gets me out of the torture ring, and she pushes me out the door and blocks the doorway so they can't follow me, and I run on my bus and cry. It was last day of school, 8th grade. I never got to say goodbye to my friends, many of which were going to a diff school. I had hope that since most of them would be going to Sprayberry instead of Kell, I would be ok in highschool. But some of the things still happened. Food was still thrown at me freshman and still sometimes in sophomore year. Once, I was at the movies with a bunch of friends, and as me and Kasey were leaving, they spotted me, and started following me, yelling stuff, like White trash, and Fatty. Just as they were getting closer, Kasey's mom drives up in her car and I jumped in there as fast as I could. Now, most of you probably know about my severe depression and what-not. Well, because of these girls, I had tried to kill myself. Anyways.. back to the present. I walked into work one day about 2 weeks ago, and the ring leader, the one who started all of this, who wrote the notes to my mom, was working there. I immediately had a huge panic attack. Thankfully, Petey was there and I talked to him about it. Now we're trying to figure out how to schedule me and her on separate nights. Work used to be one of my favourite places to go(keep in mind, I have no life). I know, sounds weird but I had so much fun there. The people there are hilarious. Now she's there, and a bunch of my best friends there have left. I don't quite feel safe there anymore. *sigh* I already feel better getting that off my chest. Now, this is what I really need help with. Please, if you are my friend in any way, please read this. I know, I'm talking a lot, but I really need help. I seem to be having a lot of issues in the friends department. I have lots of friends, but I feel like I don't have any best friends, anyone who really wants to be around me. There are a ton ofpeople I would love to be better friends with, they're nice to me when it's just us, but once there are other people, I'm easily forgotten. tossed to the side. I'm never the person people come up to to talk to. I'm the one on the outside. If you think of things as social circles, there are the people in the middle of them, who everyone flocks to, who everyone invites to everything. Then there are the people on the outside. I'm one of those people on the outside. I belong to a bunch of different groups of friends, but I'm the outsider. I feel unwanted. For an example, on closing night of the musical, we all went out to eat. I love all the people in the musical. I think they're hilarious. I was soooo excited. I was actually invited to do something with people, and I could go and everything! I thought, Yes! I can finally be excepted. But as I get there, it was like no one even really acknowledged me. I sat at the very end. Everyone else was having sooooo much fun, and I wanted so badly to be a part of it, but I couldn't. I don't know, it was just like I'm not... cool enough, funny enough, whatever, to be a real part of things. I'm just kind of there. Now, don't take this as me saying these people are mean to me or whatever. They're not. I love them to death. But it was just a reminder of how much of an outsider I am. I don't know why no one ever invites me to go hang out with them, or whatever. I really need at least 1 close friend. I feel quite alone. I need that best friend you can always turn to. The inseparable friends. I used to have one like that, but she moved on. So can anyone tell me what is wrong (for lack of a better word) with me? Am I annoying? Talk too much? Too little? Stupid? Appear to be stuck-up? I know I'm negative, but I am working sooo hard on that, you have no idea. I've gotten so much better. So there must be something else. What is it? If anyone has any suggestions, comments, ideas, please let me know. I really want to be a better person, be accepted. That doesn't mean I'll conform to what 'all the cool kids are doing', but I do want to know how I can be more... wanted. All I ask is that you don't say anything rude, cuz that is the last thing I need right now. I have asked for help before and people just cuss me out and say I'm an annoying brat who no one wants to be around and that people just pretend to be my friend. You can be annonymous if you so desire, but please, just don't cuss me out. I don't need it. Thank you. Thank you for reading this, and for helping me. I love you all!! Call me if you want to do anything! <3 <3
I know it's long, but it would mean a lot to me if you read it.
Thank you <3 =D