New Voice
Gakusei:
Critiquing skills
I'm critiquing the excerpt from "In an Alley, Night" submitted by cerchilaverita
The first thing that stood out to me in this piece was the large amount of description in such a short excerpt. Some would simply say she had a tattered skirt, or that she pushed him away, but in this case the author added small, yet very useful words which drove the feeling of the moment home. In my opinion, it saved the piece from being "common."
One thing that did make me read over it a few times in order to see if it really fit in with everything was this:
“I hate you,” he grits into the fabric of her shirt. “I don’t hate you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you during the war.” She puts out her hands, shoves at his shoulders.
Perhaps this could have been saved by separating it. I wondered who was saying "I don't hate you," due to the fact that the author had both the male and female act in a small paragraph.
Writing sample
(The main reason for me joining this comm is to get back into writing original fiction. You guys seem like you'll do well in keeping me on my toes, so to speak. That being said, since I have not written anything as of late, I quickly wrote a small drabble in order to give everyone a feel for my skill level and style. I also am taking a free-verse poem that I wrote a while back, which is posted under my other penname, PseudoHanyou.
Untitled
Perhaps it would be presumptuous to say that he had seen the rise and fall of empires, for though he walked with our race while these great powers were birthed and torn asunder, he had seen no such thing. There were no fallen kings at his feet, no shattered earth in his presence which allowed him to claim that he had indeed witnessed tragedies.
The passing of time was, in no way, an indication of one’s character. To be affected by worldly events was a trait reserved for lesser beings; those who would seek to define themselves by their responses to the actions of others. He found these things distasteful and perhaps a bit cowardly. Why observe when one can create? Why sit idly by and allow others to become while he settled for simply existing?
These were the ideas of rulers, the ideas of creatures who refused to simply be.
Funny how such a grand philosophy could be lost to the smile of one small child. Destructive and innocent in the same breath, she looked upon him with large eyes and unconsciously sought to bring down the very thing he was.
Again and Again
Until this moment
I have trailed in your wake
Always smiling
Smiling, until your sideways glance
Caught my breath
Breath, a flutter in my stance
For this, you will despise me
My tears frighten your pride
Cast me away
Away, where you will not hear my screams
Screams which unsettle you
You, who deem yourself a god
God of all which I should fear
Fear that will never take me away
Away from the need I have for contact
Contact which you refuse me
Again and again
I'm about 70% sure I did this right. =]