just to let you know, i put you on the pre-approved users list so you won't have to wait for your posts to be approved any more :) meant to do it earlier but it slipped my mind, sorry about that !
hello ! i really want to read this but haven't the time right now. since this is an incomplete piece, could you give me a brief synopsis of where you feel the story is going ? that way i can tell you if i think it's getting there :)
This is a very small part of a very large project. This particular chapter is basically an introduction to Smokes. The remaining part of the chapter is simply thus:
Bernice really is Smokes' real name but she's not supposed to remember. Frankie is undercover and meant to sneak memory inhibitors into her food if she ever starts to remember things she shouldn't. Her name would just be one of many things that would cause an issue. So, she remembers and he has to find some way to sneak the inhibitors into his food while she's getting suspicious. I have some work left to do as I wish to also show that there is a long relationship between the two at the shelter.
That's really the only thing of import that happens.
This was great. The opening two paragraphs were very solid and led the reader straight into the character and the scene. Reading them, you could really feel the world that they were living in and wished to follow them through the story
( ... )
All sorts of faded colors she passed like patchwork
I expect anyone reading this to pick up on this narrative slip. I know what you are talking about and I know how to 'fix' it, but as I wrote it I made an executive decision to let this be Smokes' narrative voice. I know I didn't write the whole piece this way but for some reason I felt it was useful at that particular moment. In editing I will certainly look at this from a different point of view and see if I was right or wrong. :)
Other parts of the text suggest that the narrator knows exactly what is going on in the environment, words like 'probably' change this dynamic.
Ah! I will look into this. I hadn't even considered looking for this type of POV mistake. Thanks for pointing it out!
Technically there should be a comma after, 'she exclaimed' as it is a speech tag.
I will look this up. Not that I believe you're wrong, but I believe you're from another part of the world and our rules vary at times.
The rest of her speech is written with such a distinct tone that when
( ... )
Hey :D I got this 'Technically there should be a comma after, 'she exclaimed' as it is a speech tag.' from my editing course so I hope it's right lol! Let me know it if it's not and I'll ask for my money back!!!
About the 'Narrator Dynamic'. The was one of the last (and possibly most important) lessons I got from my English course. I still slip up all the time but in general adhering to a stable narrator makes all writing that much stronger.
I like this one, "The hell're you?" she hollered at him. "And why you tellin' me there ain't beef stew? Always been beef stew!" :D
In relation to editing the chapter, don't quote me on this but I'd say it would be fine to edit this post as long as you put a little message at the top of it saying that you have updated it :D That will also help anyone else that comes along to read it.
NaNoWriMo - you are brave. I tried that but because I've already got three novels on the go, my brain could not cope!!!!!
I've updated with the whole chapter, now. :) I did make the "the hell're you" change but nothing else of consequence, so you may read beginning at the line where the 'incomplete' version left off.
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Bernice really is Smokes' real name but she's not supposed to remember. Frankie is undercover and meant to sneak memory inhibitors into her food if she ever starts to remember things she shouldn't. Her name would just be one of many things that would cause an issue. So, she remembers and he has to find some way to sneak the inhibitors into his food while she's getting suspicious. I have some work left to do as I wish to also show that there is a long relationship between the two at the shelter.
That's really the only thing of import that happens.
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I expect anyone reading this to pick up on this narrative slip. I know what you are talking about and I know how to 'fix' it, but as I wrote it I made an executive decision to let this be Smokes' narrative voice. I know I didn't write the whole piece this way but for some reason I felt it was useful at that particular moment. In editing I will certainly look at this from a different point of view and see if I was right or wrong. :)
Other parts of the text suggest that the narrator knows exactly what is going on in the environment, words like 'probably' change this dynamic.
Ah! I will look into this. I hadn't even considered looking for this type of POV mistake. Thanks for pointing it out!
Technically there should be a comma after, 'she exclaimed' as it is a speech tag.
I will look this up. Not that I believe you're wrong, but I believe you're from another part of the world and our rules vary at times.
The rest of her speech is written with such a distinct tone that when ( ... )
Reply
About the 'Narrator Dynamic'. The was one of the last (and possibly most important) lessons I got from my English course. I still slip up all the time but in general adhering to a stable narrator makes all writing that much stronger.
I like this one, "The hell're you?" she hollered at him. "And why you tellin' me there ain't beef stew? Always been beef stew!" :D
In relation to editing the chapter, don't quote me on this but I'd say it would be fine to edit this post as long as you put a little message at the top of it saying that you have updated it :D That will also help anyone else that comes along to read it.
NaNoWriMo - you are brave. I tried that but because I've already got three novels on the go, my brain could not cope!!!!!
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