That first paragraph - great opening line, and I like the overall idea presented here, but I have a couple concerns. First, remove "had" from that second sentence; it's not doing your writing any favors by being so passive when your style and your women are anything but passive. I'm not sure it's possible to "scull about" a little war, unless you mean they scull about in their little boats during their wars. To me the sentence would become tighter by removing the bit about "little wars" because it's interrupting the focus on the sea: their little boats on the thrashing blue and frothing white, rowing hard and strong in a sea of monsters. (Is there a reason why Sirens is capitalized but not kraken and leviathan?) It'd be interesting to know how these women make war if they have such small vessels, but such a tidbit could be introduced later, I think
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Shadowed: I know I used 'shadowed' three times in short succession, there, but I believe this is one of the appropriate uses. I will still need to find a way to reword it so I don't have overdose of shadowed. I'm not sure 'blocked' would work, either. Though, if this is reasonably omniscient, I could quickly mention her skin getting cold due to the heat being blocked.
Woman's Land is the name of the book, like "The Bible", and it's basically a 'scripture' for the women. And yes I did mean "isn't finished" but it's another world so I like to alter spoken dialects. I will see if I can make it less confusing, here. Do you have a suggestion?
Is this implying what I think you're implying? Because that part about women and servicing makes it sound like the women are the ones demanding serviceIn a very subtle way it's implying that these rags are what the men might use to clean themselves off with after masturbating...when the women aren't around to demand 'servicing' of sexual nature. Slaves? Do you consider women in the 1500's to
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The subject matter is pretty unappealing, and as for the style ... your conglomerate words read pretty poorly - pussyman, mancloth, scrapknife, pindot, etc.
EXAMPLES OF WEIRDNESS/ERRORS
This Woman’s Land you hold so dear, is yet to finish - take out the comma well supported in muscle - add dash yanked soundly - read weirdly for me (yanked solidly?)
ALSO
vast thrashing blues and frothing whites - was over-writing a little bit, for me. The sentence was a bit too long, and "in their little boats and their little wars" didn't read well because you said that they were sculling in their little boats, and that makes it sound like they were sculling in their little boats AND their little wars.
I could go deeper, but I'd have to read it again, and it wasn't really my thing. Writing in an archaic voice is always going to be hard to pull off, and basically I think you have to work more on it here.
doing something soundly does mean to do it solidly.
the subject matter is the most subjective thing in writing. haha
I don't disagree with anything else you've written here. the dialect of the text is something I have to work on. Most of the mashed words, tho, are dialogue and part of the language and you'll probably find it true to reality according to the time I'm writing. Sadly. :P
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Woman's Land is the name of the book, like "The Bible", and it's basically a 'scripture' for the women. And yes I did mean "isn't finished" but it's another world so I like to alter spoken dialects. I will see if I can make it less confusing, here. Do you have a suggestion?
Is this implying what I think you're implying? Because that part about women and servicing makes it sound like the women are the ones demanding serviceIn a very subtle way it's implying that these rags are what the men might use to clean themselves off with after masturbating...when the women aren't around to demand 'servicing' of sexual nature. Slaves? Do you consider women in the 1500's to ( ... )
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EXAMPLES OF WEIRDNESS/ERRORS
This Woman’s Land you hold so dear, is yet to finish - take out the comma
well supported in muscle - add dash
yanked soundly - read weirdly for me (yanked solidly?)
ALSO
vast thrashing blues and frothing whites - was over-writing a little bit, for me. The sentence was a bit too long, and "in their little boats and their little wars" didn't read well because you said that they were sculling in their little boats, and that makes it sound like they were sculling in their little boats AND their little wars.
I could go deeper, but I'd have to read it again, and it wasn't really my thing. Writing in an archaic voice is always going to be hard to pull off, and basically I think you have to work more on it here.
Reply
the subject matter is the most subjective thing in writing. haha
I don't disagree with anything else you've written here. the dialect of the text is something I have to work on. Most of the mashed words, tho, are dialogue and part of the language and you'll probably find it true to reality according to the time I'm writing. Sadly. :P
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