Issues
title: Issues
pairing: onkey
rating: PG-15 (swearing)
word count: ~6,200
A/N: It's been far too long. I apologize for all the grammar mistakes. Comments are very much appreciated <3
Sunday, March 13th. 10 am.
Jinki sighed, resting his chin in his upturned palm.
The rich, decadent smell of chocolate hovered in the air. He could feel himself already intoxicated. And the air, it felt humid and heavy and delicious, and he couldn’t do anything but grumble in hunger and sheer annoyance. The sun was beaming from the window, all toasty and full of summer, its soft rays searing sunburns on his skin. From his seat, Jinki’s bored eyes attached themselves to the figure of his lithe boyfriend; half-lidded orbs following Kibum’s every move. Back-and-forth.. back-and-forth..
“It’s like ninety degrees out.. How can you even think of baking right now?” A hum filled the room, and he could only roll his eyes at the dismissive response.
“It’s Sunday Jinki, it’s the only free time I get to cook and bake at free will.”
The light happy tone had Jinki grunting. “Whatever.”
In a second though Jinki sighed, leaning back against the chair as Kibum merely propped himself on his lap; flour, eggs, chocolate and sugar forgotten as his milky white arms weaved around his neck like jelly sweet candy stripes.
He huffed and complained about it being too hot for them to be all close and clingy, trying to feign discomfort at the proximity of Kibum. His warmwarmwarm body pressed against his chest.
And fuck did Kibum feel warm, like coal fire in his lap, all hot, slick and perfect, and in any other circumstances that current state of raw perfection from the latter would have elicited other type of feelings from Jinki--far more suggestive and lewd--but he just felt annoyed at the moment.
Annoyed by Kibum’s stupid rosebud lips, his stupid dewy skin, his stupid shiny hair, and his stupid cat-eyed coffee orbs, and God… that stupid knowing stare directed at his own stupid self at the moment.
He didn’t feel just annoyed, shit Jinki felt flat-out peevish, and it was the fact that Kibum had no idea of the real reason behind all that surliness what bothered him the most. And just thinking about it made that secret something burn and scorch its ugly way up, all angry and bitter, but Jinki pushed it down as much as he could, away from Kibum’s inquisitive eyes..
“Why are you so cranky baby? You’ve been like that all morning.. and you love chocolate cakes.. it’s your favorite.” Jinki could only snort in response, his hands resting lazily over Kibum’s hips keeping him supported in the reduced space; yeah, he was mad alright, but he would die if he let Kibum fall and crack his skull open on the floor. He wasn’t that fucked up.
“I’m not being cranky..”
Kibum pouted, crossing his arms. “Yes, you are.”
“Am not..” The older man rolled his eyes and Kibum squinted his eyes ever so slightly, losing his patience by the second.
“You are.”
“Am not.”
“Lee Jinki.” Kibum growled. “You.so.are!”
At the irritation flickering in Kibum’s eyes, Jinki bit his lip. He didn’t want to give away the reason behind his irritation, not yet. Because he was sure, most definitely sure it would result in a big loud burst of mocking and laughter from the latter-or his head being banged in every flat surface of the dorm, he couldn’t decide which with the way Kibum was glaring daggers all over his face.
And it was too embarrassing. He was 26 years old: SHINee’s leader, Jonghyun’s partner in crime, Minho and Taemin’s dorky hyung, and Kibum’s long-term boyfriend. He was all those things and more dammit! He had a lot of good qualities overall, and he wasn’t gonna let jealousy creep its way in that description.
Which was why he didn’t want to admit how madly jealous he had been last night the moment Kibum’s face lit up like a neon sign while talking on the phone with Wooh-whateverhisnamewas. How he had felt like killing something, hands murdering Jonghyun’s fanmade stuffed toy despite his quiet whimpers, with a rigid smile on his lips as his boyfriend briefly kissed him goodbye and walked out the dorm for a friendly date night with an old friend from school; a harmless friend that had confessed his undying love to his Kibum far too much while in high school.
He absolutely did not want to tell him just how livid he had been as Kibum arrived at 3 am earlier today, surprised for a second at the sight of Jinki still awake, curled up on the couch, all sleepy-eyed and worried with a book and two cups of half drank coffee forgotten at the table. The younger male had been all drowsy smiles and apologies and baby yawns, taking Jinki’s hand as he dragged him back to bed, gushing about the great time he and his friend had.
Tired, he had fallen asleep in his arms in seconds, face pressed against the curve of his neck. But Jinki couldn’t sleep. Worry still heavy and uncomfortable in the pit of his stomach. His eyes had stared at the ceiling for the rest of the night, watching the dark blue with the faint hue of the sunrise crawling through the drawn blinds.
Pushing those thoughts aside, he gritted his teeth and diverted his gaze elsewhere, knowing that he should just brush it off, but fuck with Kibum that close and that bothersome heat bouncing between them, it only added up.
“I’m not cranky Key… I’m just restless, I couldn’t sleep very well.”
Key’s amused expression only set Jinki’s irritation further, and in seconds, a hearty laughter ricocheted into the walls, right into the older male’s ears.
“Baby.. You were worried about me weren’t you? Silly tofu..”
Before Jinki could protest, the warm body sitting on his lap disappeared, and his wary eyes watched his boyfriend’s silhouette walking back to his cooking station. He took deep breaths, trying to keep his anger in check, but soon the soft humming of a song filled the empty silence, making the older one snap in an aggravated fashion.
“I’m so glad you find me worrying about you so amusing. Fucking happy in fact.” It was quick and light, but angry nonetheless. Kibum stilled, holding the whisk in mid air. He turned around slowly, bemused by the sharp edge in Jinki’s tongue.
“Jinki, wha-”
The older male scoffed, making his way to the refrigerator, “Yeah, I mean, isn’t it funny how I spent all night waiting for you, calling you when you didn’t answer my texts? Because babe, really,” He paused, eyes fixed in the food, trying not to rush his words, “Anyone sane enough would call their boyfriend when they say they’ll be home at 10 pm and its pass midnight with no sign of replying their texts or calls.” He wasn’t thirsty or hungry, but he had to keep his mind in line, so he picked the first thing in the fridge, closing it rather loudly.
Kibum turned around slowly, his jaw tightening by the second, “Anyone sane enough would know that batteries are not eternal and they do run out eventually.”
“Oh! I’m sorry.” He mocked, apologetic. “You’re definitely right. There couldn’t be any way possible for you to ask your friend to lend you their phone for a call right? Or did his battery die too? Geez, what a coincidence!”
And there was no turning back, he could see it in the way Kibum slammed the wisk in the batter, splattering some of it on his apron from the force. Fully turned, he took long strides to close the space between them. And soon he was face to face with Jinki, squaring his jaw up as he jabbed a finger in his chest.
“Why are you being such an asshole!? I forgot okay!? I fucking forgot to check my watch, I fucking forgot I was running low on battery when I left the dorm, and I fucking forgot to ask Woohyuk for his phone.” He spat, burning Jinki up with the intensity of his wet angry eyes.
He swears he would’ve apologized to the latter at that moment. He would’ve dropped the argument, kiss him sorry and just end that stupid fight, but he had to go about mentioning his name. He just had to, he couldn’t just keep it to himself, and it only tipped Jinki to the edge, it pushed him to his limit and he snapped, vision red with jealousy. He threw the milk cartoon he had in his hand across the room, not tearing his eyes off the brunette as its contents spilled over the wall and floor.
“Well, it sounds you had a wonderful time with Woohyuk. Did you enjoy it that much?” Jinki snarled, now his voice just a meanicing whisper as he leaned forward. His eyes dark as he stared into Kibum’s just few centimeters apart.
“Yeah, I did.” Kibum growled, too far-gone into the argument to watch his words. “Best date night I’ve had in my life.”
“Sounds like he’s the perfect guy.”
“The best I’ve ever met.”
That broke his composure, and just like that, his angry demeanor crumbled in pieces. He stared blankly into Kibum’s surprised eyes, his mouth falling open and his tongue rolled around, stuttering as he moved forward to grasp Jinki’s shirt. But as he took a step back Kibum halted, horror rising in his face.
“J-Jinki, baby, shit! I’m so sor-” But Jinki didn’t want to hear it, he couldn’t hear it and in his state of numbness he turned around. He was too far-gone to notice Jonghyun, Minho and Taemin scrambling out of his path as he walked briskly through the hallway, wondering for a second how long those three had been listening to their conversation.
It didn’t matter though, nothing mattered as he slammed the door shut, his back against it as he slid down, burying his face in his palms. He could hear them all flailing about in the kitchen, and the soft rap of Minho’s knuckles against door seconds later, asking Hyung, can I come in? What’s wrong?
Jinki kept still, swallowing his tears, pushing his face further into his hands as he tried to drown Kibum’s sobs into the silence.
-////-
He hadn’t meant it to go so far. He hadn’t meant to say it. He swears he hadn’t meant to say that horrible horrible thing, it had come out as fast as he had thought it, too fast to stop it. The minute he said it he tried to take it back but his tongue had felt like silly putty, full of liquorish and his brain, Jesus for once, his brain had been reduced to a puddle of incoherence.
Kibum couldn’t forget the look in Jinki’s eyes. Eyes wide open, or fully closed, all he could think of was his eyes, filled to the brim with hurt to the brim, and they pierced, they pierced right through him. He kept thinking about that over and over again, obsessed, restless, in bed, burying his face in his pillow as he tried to keep his sobs in his throat.
And the worst part was that now, everything was different.. and it was all his fault.
Two weeks had passed and the dorm, once filled with happy memories that spoke of warmer times, now it was just a big space full of regret and despair and everything in between, and the only reason he was still here was rooms away. His fingers still searched the space beside him, unconsciously groping the emptiness.
Suddenly, Jinki’s schedule was just as chaotic as he’d never seen before. Spending his time between his drama shooting, variety shows, recording sessions and group activities. The little time he spent at the dorm was spent either sleeping, eating or being locked in his old room. Kibum tried to keep it together the next day once he noticed all of Jinki’s things had been moved, and he played cool as Jonghyun was all apologetic about helping Jinki move his stuff back to his old room shared once with their manager.
Oh really? That’s great.. He had quietly replied, stirring the ramen a little slower as he gripped the wooden spoon tight enough to leave bruises in the morning.
And he could deal with that, he really could. It wasn’t the distance that killed him; he understood if the older male needed some space away from him. Fine, whatever. Kibum could deal with the distance, but it was the indifference that marred his composure.
He would’ve been fine if Jinki had given him the cold shoulder, rather he would’ve accepted it gladly, he deserved it. He would’ve been fucking perfect if the leader had ignored him, screamed at him, anything.
Yet, he had waited, stayed up all night thinking of all possible sceneries, but being greeted the next day with a smile and nothing more, watching warily as the brown haired male listened attentively to an animated Taemin, laughing at Minho’s awkward joke whilst scolding at Jonghyun for making fun of Minho, it all had seem too surreal.
Afterwards, he had grilled the truth out of Jonghyun in the laundry room, knowing the blond had talked with Jinki about what had happened that night.
“Mmm, well, he didn’t say much Key-” He yelped as his arm was pinched, Kibum threatening to whack his head with a hanger.
“Jonghyun you dinosaur, you better talk, or I swear to God!”
“Fine! Fine!” Jonghyun groaned, scratching his head and Kibum saw his resolve flickering in his big eyes, sighing in defeat seconds later, “You know how Jinki is.. he’s like.. like a fucking robot sometimes with his emotions, he keeps them all to himself. Seriously, he really didn’t say much, it was nerve-wracking. He was just all hurt and stuff.. I’ve never seen him cry, like never.”
Jonghyun dumped his dirty clothes into the washing machine, carefully taking his time as he bit his lip and stole a quick furtive glance at the door before leaning in, whispering, “But fuck, Key, he was just crying and crying, I didn’t know what to do. And then he just stopped, like flat-out stopped and said something about not seeing it coming or whatever. I didn’t get that part though.”
That right there broke Kibum up, since he knew perfectly well what Jinki had meant. He was a ball of insecurities, never good enough, never just enough. And this had been probably a punch to his self-esteem.
And it wasn’t like hadn’t been trying to talk to him and apologize. God knows he’s been trying at every chance he got to pull Jinki aside and make things right but fucking life was just conspiring against his resolve and with the way Jinki was treating him like everyone else.. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was scared.
He was scared shitless of the fact that, after 4 years, this might be a casualty far too catastrophic to repair. The thought alone had Kibum slumped into a big lump of depression as days passed by, having lost a few pounds out of sheer anxiety.
Deep in thought, as he picked absentmindedly at the food on his plate, Kibum wondered if this was how things had meant to end all along, and he sniffed, feeling tears prickling in his eyes, but those tears were forgotten as he almost hit the roof. Jonghyun slammed his hands on the table, staring at him in annoyance as the other members blinked in confusion at his outburst.
“Enough! I can’t take it anymore!” Jonghyun whined, ruffling his hair in irritation, “Stop with the moping already! Do something!”
“About what-”
“Ugh, don’t play dumb.” He rolled his eyes, and Kibum’s hand twitched as a reflex, knowing he would’ve punched the blond one in any other situation by then at that roll. “This thing with Jinki. It’s been two weeks! I can’t take your mopey self anymore.”
“What?” Kibum pouted, “I’m not being mopey..”
“Yeah, you are.”
“You definitely are..”
“You have mopey written all over your face Kibum.”
He was taken aback as Minho and Taemin chimed in. Alright, maybe he had been moping around-maybe-but, what could he do about it? That was the whole point. Not knowing what to do..
“Fine..” He sighed, shoulders falling in defeat. “I get it.. I’m being mopey.. but I don’t know what to do.”
“Just talk to Jinki.”
Kibum snorted. “Yeah, like I haven’t tried already. It’s impossible, our schedules keep crashing and we keep missing each other.. He just keeps making up excuses and shit.. he keeps running away.”
At the sight of his suspiciously wet eyes Minho panicked, shaking his hands. “Yah! No crying!”
“I’m sure there must be a way to get Onew’s attention..” Jonhyun furrowed his eyebrows, deep in thought. “What about make-up sex? I’m sure Onew won’t mi- ouch!”
“Shut up you dimwit!” Kibum hissed, glowering.
And as Jonghyun shrieked, narrowly avoiding the fatal fork aimed at his left eye, Taemin tapped his chin thoughtfully, suddenly bouncing in his chair in excitement.
“Oh! I know! Go visit him at the studio! He’s recording his scenes for Descendants of the Sun today at MBC!”
“What? No, no, no!” He shook his head fast, gathering all their finished plates as he made his way to the sink, scraping the leftovers nervously. “That’s crazy Taemin, he’ll be too busy and I’ll just interrupt him and the rest of the actors.. I don’t wanna cause him any more troubles.”
Jonghyun leaned back, nodding in agreement. Everyone stared at Minho as the tall man cleared his throat at once, redirecting the attention in the room towards him.
“Jinki will be busy, but once he gets a break there’s no way he’ll be able to run off if you confront him in his dressing room. You could go with the excuse of bringing him lunch or something. No one will suspect anything.”
Jonghyun gawked at him, Taemin beaming as he high fived a smug looking Minho. It was simple and perfect, just the excuse he needed and it seemed like it had all been planned out with how he had barely any schedules that weekend. Kibum bit his lip, turning around and lowering his eyes as he gripped the sink for support. Could he do it? He could feel shivers racking his body at the thought. He was scared, so scared his heart was slamming against his ribcage.
What if Jinki brushed him off? What if he told him he didn’t love him anymore? What if- ..
“You’ll never know.” Jonghyun whispered, all too knowing, placing his chin against the back of his shoulder in comfort, “Be brave.”
Comforted, he nodded, taking a deep breath as he bit his lip and proceeded to make lunch for the eldest, his brain pulsing with the infinite scenarios that could play up.
And it wasn’t long before he was at the gates of the MBC building, hidden in his hoodie as he passed a group of schoolgirls screeching, some eyeing him warily in suspicion, taking in his plain outfit and mile long legs. He was in after briefly flashing his ID card to the porter, thankful that the dark tinted glass hid his face as he pulled his hood back.
He walked through the lobby, bowing and greeting some familiar faces, but none too familiar to draw suspicion. He swallowed hard, eyes scanning the board filled with the most complex schedule he had ever seen. He knew MBC was big, but he didn’t know it was that big. Radio, variety shows, dramas, news, you name it.
With so many shows being recorded.. How the hell was he supposed to find Jinki’s!?
“Hello, Mr. Kim? Pardon me, but.. Are you looking for Mr.Lee’s drama studio?” A soft female voice came from behind, and he swore he changed into ten different shades all at once, from paper white to tomato red as he turned around, sheepish, biting his lip as he stared back at the recepcionist eagerly waiting for his reply.
“Hi! Um.. yeah, O-Onew’s drama studio. Ibroughhimlunchcauseheforgothislunch.” He pushed the lunchbox close to his chest, feeling shy and stupid as he blabbered all in one breath.
The women smiled, paying no attention to his strange behavior as she quickly scanned the board in practiced politeness and efficiency, pointing at a yellow spot at the top left corner seconds later. “Here it is. Studio 8. Take the elevator to the second floor, go right down the hallway, it’s the fifth door on the left. Have a good day Mr. Kim.”
Smiling, he bowed rather timidly, walking to the elevator and once the doors closed he let out a long sigh, closing his eyes as he rested his head against the mirror. He needed to put himself together. The elevator soon after and hurriedly he took a step forward only to stop dead in his track, staring blanking at Jinki just a few meters outside the elevator, his gorgeous eyes big in shock.
He was still wearing the medical wardrobe from the drama, and in any other situation he would melted at how incredibly handsome the older one looked with his pristine white coat, his button-up shirt and ironed dress pants. He looked so fucking amazing, and delicious, and he felt like blushing all over.
He really would’ve melted, if it wasn’t for the fact that said stunning man was currently hand in hand with that gorgeous breath-taking girl, tall model like seemingly foreign girl he’d never seen before.
And it didn’t take too long for him to break from his trance as he took a few steps forward, and before the doors of the elevator could close he threw the lunchbox at the unsuspecting male, making the latter take a few steps back at the force, and the girl stared wide eyed between them, back and forth, making him want rip her throat out as her pretty eyes blinked and blinked and blinked.
“Enjoy your stupid lunch.” He hissed, walking back into the elevator and Jinki hurriedly stepped forward but it was too late, the doors closed and he could hear Jinki yell his name but the tears pooling in his eyes were far too distracting.
He sobbed, pressing whatever floor number his sloppy fingers found first. He knew Jinki would know what floor he would be on, so once the door opened, he ran half blinded through the hallways, pulling his hood up so he looked more like a regular crew member and not a Kpop star that had just caught his boyfriend red-handed.
He found a few empty dressing rooms without identification unlocked, and he thanked the Gods as he hurriedly made his way inside, stumbling in the dark disoriented at first. But all dressing rooms had the same design, so he found the bathroom in no time.
Once inside he locked himself up, breathing so hard he was starting to feel lightheaded, but he didn’t care, he didn’t care his sobs were being way too loud and as he slid down on the floor, curling his knees to his chest, he wondered what the fuck he was doing.
Here he was, in Jinki’s working place, causing him trouble and something like guilt mixed with irritation settled in his stomach. He hurriedly pulled his phone out as he saw Jinki’s name flashing through the screen. With a sob he put the phone on the floor, watching how it flickered on and off for a while, and it finally stopped after the tenth call. What if Jink had finally given up? And the thought alone had his heart quivering.
Kibum didn’t know how long he stayed in that bathroom, afraid to move. He kept replaying that scene over and over again, Jinki’s hand and that girl’s hand, entwined. He knew he was being silly, it could be one of his co-workers, one of the drama’s co-stars, anyone.. And it wasn’t the fact that it was a girl he had been holding hands with, or the fact that he had been smiling at her before the doors opened, but it had been fear that set Kibum’s nerves on fright mode; fear of facing a one-sided break up.
“Shit, shit, shit!” He cursed, rubbing his eyes in frustration, and once again the phone rang, yet this time it was Jonghyun’s name that flashed through the screen. He picked up in a beat.
“Jonghyun! I shouldn’t have come, I’m so stupid!” He teared through the receiver, hearing Jonghyun’s soft comforting words full of worry. “I’m so stupid! Fuck..”
“Kibum, calm down, what happened?” He shook his head, even though he knew the blond couldn’t see him.
“He- he- he- with this girl- and his hand-” He sobbed more and hiccupped, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He wasn’t being coherent at all, and that probably was scaring the hell out of Jonghyun, but it didn’t matter all he could think of was Jinki’s hand and his smile and her eyes.
“I’m done J-Jonghyun, it’s o-over, he just doesn’t want.. he doesn’t.” He swallowed his hiccups, “I-I’m tired.. I’m going back home now.”
He stood up, his legs quavering still as he took deep breaths, trying to calm his tears. And in the darkness, the phone’s light reflecting on the mirror, Kibum could see how horrible and puffy his eyes looked and that just made him feel more miserable. How he was gonna be able to slip through the lobby and out the building without drawing any attention?
“Key, where are you?”
“I’m still at the stupid studio, I just couldn’t.. I ran away. I didn’t want to see his face.” He sighed, “Don’t tell him anything okay? Please..”
“Fine.. I promise. Just, come home okay?”
He nodded, bidding the singer goodbye as he slipped his phone back in his pocket. His face looked horrible, but it’d have to do for now, and with his hood up he hurriedly made his way out, taking the stairs and the back door of the building, no Jinki in sight. It was silly, but something like disappointment sunk in. It wasn’t like Jinki could just throw his schedule out the window to go about looking for him, he knew that much..
And almost as if he had willed him to appear he heard his name carried in the wind, soft at first but clear in seconds. He whipped his head back, staring bewildered at the sight of Jinki running out the building, cheeks puffed in short breaths as he halted his steps a few meters away. He panted, swallowing his breaths, and Key could tell the latter had been running around for a while by the sight of that thin layer of sweat covering his forehead.
“Kibum..” His voice was quiet but poignant, half-moon eyes unblinking. “Listen, I-”
His face looked so sweet as it twisted in worry, tormented, and his eyebrows furrowed, gnawing at his lower lip as he tried to order his words into senteces. But the moment was soon broken as their manager’s head appeared from the building’s back door. He called out to Jinki, and his once worried face turned dark in annoyance, his rigid shoulders giving away just how displeased he was with the interruption.
“Just go.” Kibum turned around, missing his narrowed eyes full of determination.
Jinki gritted his teeth, feet grounded. “No. We need to talk.”
The distance grew wider as their manager's calls turned louder.
“Kibum! Stop!”
But he didn’t stop, he kept walking and despite Jinki calling his name he didn’t turn back. And the latter was gonna be pissed, heck, he was gonna be murderous by the time he got home but the thought of causing him more troubles made Kibum break into a light jog, away from his sight. It was already bad enough that he had disturbed Onew’s schedule, he didn’t one the older boy getting into more troubles with their manager or the recording crew. He could deal with his wrath later.
The soft summer breeze brushed past his clammy cheeks and as he slowed down, away from MBC grounds, he really thought if being back at the dorm would be useful at the moment. He could picture the worry on all the other members’ faces, all over him, and his throat felt dry at the thought.
So he walked into a small park two blocks away from the apartment complex, sitting quietly on small bench as people walked past him, minding their own business while ignoring the solitary man hiding under the hood. His mind, for once, was just filled with white noise and he was glad for that. If he let his guard down he knew he would start making up reasons and explanations of what he had just seen, like a pitiful mechanism of self-consolation. But he didn’t want that, he just wanted to breathe, and not think and just be. A soft drizzle started falling from the sky, soaking him to the bone, but he felt nothing.
@Myong park, be back later.. don’t tell Onew.
His text, he hoped, would ease the blonde’s worried heart.
Soon enough it was time to head back, realizing only after he caught a glimpse of the stars over the dark clouds that he had been out far too long, and he could pretty much picture Jonghyun eating his worries away back at the dorm so he rubbed his wet sleeves, walking home at a slow pace.
And Jonghyun’s face was all over his space the moment he stepped inside the apartment, all worried and angry, and he kind of found it funny how the singer couldn’t choose between both, puffing his cheeks in irritation as his eyes screamed in relief.
“Kibum what the fuck! You’ve been out for hours!”
“I know.. I lost track of time.” He whispered, slowly taking off his soaked sweater, his voice raw and bleak, and his hollow eyes stared back at Jonghyun, void of any emotion. “I’m sorry..”
Jonghyun was taken aback for a second, and he opened his mouth but nothing came out. He wanted to scream at the latter for worrying him so much. But it was the bareness in Kibum’s once expressive face that stopped him dry. He took a step forward, and it broke his heart how Kibum flinched, like a deer caught in the headlights.
“It’s okay. I-I was just worried. Taemin, Minho too..”
“I know,” Kibum nodded, making his way across the room. “I’m really sorry..”
“..Jinki too was dead worried you might catch a cold..”
He froze, wondering for a second if he had heard correctly and the sound of Jonghyun’s nervous gulp made him turn around, narrowing his eyes. “What did you just say?”
The blonde male rubbed his arm nervously, his eyes darting elsewhere, avoiding Kibum’s, “He was shit worried Key! I just couldn’t lie to him! He called and asked where you were and- you know how he gets when he’s angry! I- I-”
In cue, the door opened, revealing a very wet and very tired Lee Jinki. Kibum could only stare, wide eyed as the leader stepped inside the warm apartment, his eyes never leaving his as his wet jeans started pooling water on the floor. And it didn’t take long before it dawned on him that he had been followed all along, probably all the way from the studio, to the park and back home. Something deep inside him fluttered and he should’ve felt wanted, cared for, but all he could feel was this thick ball of ire.
He snapped back at Jonghyun. “I hate you!”
He could hear the blonde call after him and Jinki’s It’s okay, let him be right now, and it fueled his irritation heaps, stomping down the hallway as he pretty much slammed the door shut, watching it shake with the force. He quickly stripped off all of his dampened clothes, keeping the dry pieces on as he climbed to the upper bunk in his room, pushing everything off and into the floor as he rolled himself in clean sheets, facing the wall.
But he wasn’t left alone with his thoughts much longer, hearing the faint click of the lock as the door softly closed. He heard rustles of sheets in the bottom bunk, but soon it was silent again and he was tempted to stare down and see who was under but he had a clue.
“Her name’s Kim Jung Ah. She’s one of my co-workers.” Jinki’s voice sounded loud and booming in the small room, despite barely being a whisper, “I swear she’s nothing more than that.”
Biting his lip, Kibum pressed his forehead against the wall, feeling the familiar tears brimming. His hands gripped the sheets tightly, feeling angry at the way he wanted to desperately fling himself into Jinki’s arms.
“She wanted me to keep her company at lunch. I was practically dragged, I promise.” And the small playful hint in his words had him snorting under his breath, because it was such a Jinki thing to do and because he could really picture him being all stupid and polite, not being able to decline that girl’s obvious insinuations.
“You’re such an idiot.”
Jinki sighed, the sheets underneath ruffling once again. “Can you please come down? I want to talk to you face to face..”
“No..” Kibum pouted, stubbornly.
He was still mad, but deep down he was elated that finally, fucking finally after forever the older boy was talking to him once again in that sweet honeyed way only meant for him. It had been far too long, and it felt like heaven to hear his voice once again.
“Kibum.. I’m sorry.. For everything, shit I don’t even know where to start. I’m sorry about our fight, about today-” His voice was full of regret. “And when she kissed me today, it was just too fast and I couldn’t-“
“What!?”
In a blur of sheets and clothes, Kibum turned around towards the edge, intent on looking down on Jinki’s stupid face only to stare right into his moonlit eyes, as the latter had his chin resting at the edge of the upper bunk, with a tiny smile on his plush lips. Kibum’s breath caught in his throat, face just inches away from Jinki’s.
“Gotcha.” He grinned in mischief.
But Kibum could only focus on his lips, feeling incredibly lascivious and wonderful all at once, and it had been far too long since he had kissed Jinki, and he didn’t pull back as the brunet leaned up and forward, placing a soft feathery kiss on his lips.
And one kiss turned into too many, and his arms where no longer at his side but weaved around Jinki, and Jinki was soon pulling him down, never breaking his grip as he carried his weight with ease, sliding him off the bunk. They kissed everywhere and nowhere all at once, finding solace in their arms and their lips.
The moment, much to their distaste was broken by the soft melody of Jinki’s ringtone, and in any other situation he would’ve thrown the irritating device aside and continue his assault but it was their manager, and rule number Never miss your manager’s calls was a sacred rule never meant to be broken.
Resigned, the older one sighed, sliding out of bed to pick up the call. Resting his back against the wall, he engages in a low conversation, nodding every once in a while. Kibum watched in silence, reaching out the bunk to climb and sit at the edge of the upper bunk, swinging his legs as he waited for the latter to end his call.
He couldn’t help the smile on his face, biting the inside of his cheek as he caught Jinki’s eyes, the small curl on his lips making his heart race.
It was always the same with them. It was how they worked. Fighting, loving, loving and loving and falling into a fight later on. It wasn't always perfect, but what relationship was? It was just a matter if issues.
Jinki sighed, running is hand through his hair as he finished the call. Without a word, he made his way towards him, his hands pressing solid on his thighs before circling his waist with his arms, burrowing his face in the warmness of his stomach, holding him close. Kibum, in silence, brushed a few strands of his soft brown hair off his forehead as Jinki looked up and into his eyes.
He could feel all those words and all those feelings caught in his throat, brushing past his lips but he swallowed them up, knowing that some things were better left unspoken.
“Jinki… I’m sorry..” He sighed, the pad of his thumbs running over the soft bruised skin under his eyes as he cradles Jinki's face carefully. “I love you.. so much.. you don’t have to try to be anything more than what you are. You’re more than enough, and- You may not be perfect but neither am I, and that's how it's meant to be.. please, no matter what, never forget that.”
For a moment Jinki looks at him, expressionless, as though he’s staring straight into his thoughts. Then he smiles. And he knows that his feelings, even though unspoken, they've been understood.
I love you.. Jinki seems to whisper in the press of his lips against his mouth. He pulls him a little bit closer. Always.
pairing: onkey
rating: PG-15 (swearing)
word count: ~6,200
A/N: It's been far too long. I apologize for all the grammar mistakes. Comments are very much appreciated <3
Sunday, March 13th. 10 am.
Jinki sighed, resting his chin in his upturned palm.
The rich, decadent smell of chocolate hovered in the air. He could feel himself already intoxicated. And the air, it felt humid and heavy and delicious, and he couldn’t do anything but grumble in hunger and sheer annoyance. The sun was beaming from the window, all toasty and full of summer, its soft rays searing sunburns on his skin. From his seat, Jinki’s bored eyes attached themselves to the figure of his lithe boyfriend; half-lidded orbs following Kibum’s every move. Back-and-forth.. back-and-forth..
“It’s like ninety degrees out.. How can you even think of baking right now?” A hum filled the room, and he could only roll his eyes at the dismissive response.
“It’s Sunday Jinki, it’s the only free time I get to cook and bake at free will.”
The light happy tone had Jinki grunting. “Whatever.”
In a second though Jinki sighed, leaning back against the chair as Kibum merely propped himself on his lap; flour, eggs, chocolate and sugar forgotten as his milky white arms weaved around his neck like jelly sweet candy stripes.
He huffed and complained about it being too hot for them to be all close and clingy, trying to feign discomfort at the proximity of Kibum. His warmwarmwarm body pressed against his chest.
And fuck did Kibum feel warm, like coal fire in his lap, all hot, slick and perfect, and in any other circumstances that current state of raw perfection from the latter would have elicited other type of feelings from Jinki--far more suggestive and lewd--but he just felt annoyed at the moment.
Annoyed by Kibum’s stupid rosebud lips, his stupid dewy skin, his stupid shiny hair, and his stupid cat-eyed coffee orbs, and God… that stupid knowing stare directed at his own stupid self at the moment.
He didn’t feel just annoyed, shit Jinki felt flat-out peevish, and it was the fact that Kibum had no idea of the real reason behind all that surliness what bothered him the most. And just thinking about it made that secret something burn and scorch its ugly way up, all angry and bitter, but Jinki pushed it down as much as he could, away from Kibum’s inquisitive eyes..
“Why are you so cranky baby? You’ve been like that all morning.. and you love chocolate cakes.. it’s your favorite.” Jinki could only snort in response, his hands resting lazily over Kibum’s hips keeping him supported in the reduced space; yeah, he was mad alright, but he would die if he let Kibum fall and crack his skull open on the floor. He wasn’t that fucked up.
“I’m not being cranky..”
Kibum pouted, crossing his arms. “Yes, you are.”
“Am not..” The older man rolled his eyes and Kibum squinted his eyes ever so slightly, losing his patience by the second.
“You are.”
“Am not.”
“Lee Jinki.” Kibum growled. “You.so.are!”
At the irritation flickering in Kibum’s eyes, Jinki bit his lip. He didn’t want to give away the reason behind his irritation, not yet. Because he was sure, most definitely sure it would result in a big loud burst of mocking and laughter from the latter-or his head being banged in every flat surface of the dorm, he couldn’t decide which with the way Kibum was glaring daggers all over his face.
And it was too embarrassing. He was 26 years old: SHINee’s leader, Jonghyun’s partner in crime, Minho and Taemin’s dorky hyung, and Kibum’s long-term boyfriend. He was all those things and more dammit! He had a lot of good qualities overall, and he wasn’t gonna let jealousy creep its way in that description.
Which was why he didn’t want to admit how madly jealous he had been last night the moment Kibum’s face lit up like a neon sign while talking on the phone with Wooh-whateverhisnamewas. How he had felt like killing something, hands murdering Jonghyun’s fanmade stuffed toy despite his quiet whimpers, with a rigid smile on his lips as his boyfriend briefly kissed him goodbye and walked out the dorm for a friendly date night with an old friend from school; a harmless friend that had confessed his undying love to his Kibum far too much while in high school.
He absolutely did not want to tell him just how livid he had been as Kibum arrived at 3 am earlier today, surprised for a second at the sight of Jinki still awake, curled up on the couch, all sleepy-eyed and worried with a book and two cups of half drank coffee forgotten at the table. The younger male had been all drowsy smiles and apologies and baby yawns, taking Jinki’s hand as he dragged him back to bed, gushing about the great time he and his friend had.
Tired, he had fallen asleep in his arms in seconds, face pressed against the curve of his neck. But Jinki couldn’t sleep. Worry still heavy and uncomfortable in the pit of his stomach. His eyes had stared at the ceiling for the rest of the night, watching the dark blue with the faint hue of the sunrise crawling through the drawn blinds.
Pushing those thoughts aside, he gritted his teeth and diverted his gaze elsewhere, knowing that he should just brush it off, but fuck with Kibum that close and that bothersome heat bouncing between them, it only added up.
“I’m not cranky Key… I’m just restless, I couldn’t sleep very well.”
Key’s amused expression only set Jinki’s irritation further, and in seconds, a hearty laughter ricocheted into the walls, right into the older male’s ears.
“Baby.. You were worried about me weren’t you? Silly tofu..”
Before Jinki could protest, the warm body sitting on his lap disappeared, and his wary eyes watched his boyfriend’s silhouette walking back to his cooking station. He took deep breaths, trying to keep his anger in check, but soon the soft humming of a song filled the empty silence, making the older one snap in an aggravated fashion.
“I’m so glad you find me worrying about you so amusing. Fucking happy in fact.” It was quick and light, but angry nonetheless. Kibum stilled, holding the whisk in mid air. He turned around slowly, bemused by the sharp edge in Jinki’s tongue.
“Jinki, wha-”
The older male scoffed, making his way to the refrigerator, “Yeah, I mean, isn’t it funny how I spent all night waiting for you, calling you when you didn’t answer my texts? Because babe, really,” He paused, eyes fixed in the food, trying not to rush his words, “Anyone sane enough would call their boyfriend when they say they’ll be home at 10 pm and its pass midnight with no sign of replying their texts or calls.” He wasn’t thirsty or hungry, but he had to keep his mind in line, so he picked the first thing in the fridge, closing it rather loudly.
Kibum turned around slowly, his jaw tightening by the second, “Anyone sane enough would know that batteries are not eternal and they do run out eventually.”
“Oh! I’m sorry.” He mocked, apologetic. “You’re definitely right. There couldn’t be any way possible for you to ask your friend to lend you their phone for a call right? Or did his battery die too? Geez, what a coincidence!”
And there was no turning back, he could see it in the way Kibum slammed the wisk in the batter, splattering some of it on his apron from the force. Fully turned, he took long strides to close the space between them. And soon he was face to face with Jinki, squaring his jaw up as he jabbed a finger in his chest.
“Why are you being such an asshole!? I forgot okay!? I fucking forgot to check my watch, I fucking forgot I was running low on battery when I left the dorm, and I fucking forgot to ask Woohyuk for his phone.” He spat, burning Jinki up with the intensity of his wet angry eyes.
He swears he would’ve apologized to the latter at that moment. He would’ve dropped the argument, kiss him sorry and just end that stupid fight, but he had to go about mentioning his name. He just had to, he couldn’t just keep it to himself, and it only tipped Jinki to the edge, it pushed him to his limit and he snapped, vision red with jealousy. He threw the milk cartoon he had in his hand across the room, not tearing his eyes off the brunette as its contents spilled over the wall and floor.
“Well, it sounds you had a wonderful time with Woohyuk. Did you enjoy it that much?” Jinki snarled, now his voice just a meanicing whisper as he leaned forward. His eyes dark as he stared into Kibum’s just few centimeters apart.
“Yeah, I did.” Kibum growled, too far-gone into the argument to watch his words. “Best date night I’ve had in my life.”
“Sounds like he’s the perfect guy.”
“The best I’ve ever met.”
That broke his composure, and just like that, his angry demeanor crumbled in pieces. He stared blankly into Kibum’s surprised eyes, his mouth falling open and his tongue rolled around, stuttering as he moved forward to grasp Jinki’s shirt. But as he took a step back Kibum halted, horror rising in his face.
“J-Jinki, baby, shit! I’m so sor-” But Jinki didn’t want to hear it, he couldn’t hear it and in his state of numbness he turned around. He was too far-gone to notice Jonghyun, Minho and Taemin scrambling out of his path as he walked briskly through the hallway, wondering for a second how long those three had been listening to their conversation.
It didn’t matter though, nothing mattered as he slammed the door shut, his back against it as he slid down, burying his face in his palms. He could hear them all flailing about in the kitchen, and the soft rap of Minho’s knuckles against door seconds later, asking Hyung, can I come in? What’s wrong?
Jinki kept still, swallowing his tears, pushing his face further into his hands as he tried to drown Kibum’s sobs into the silence.
-////-
He hadn’t meant it to go so far. He hadn’t meant to say it. He swears he hadn’t meant to say that horrible horrible thing, it had come out as fast as he had thought it, too fast to stop it. The minute he said it he tried to take it back but his tongue had felt like silly putty, full of liquorish and his brain, Jesus for once, his brain had been reduced to a puddle of incoherence.
Kibum couldn’t forget the look in Jinki’s eyes. Eyes wide open, or fully closed, all he could think of was his eyes, filled to the brim with hurt to the brim, and they pierced, they pierced right through him. He kept thinking about that over and over again, obsessed, restless, in bed, burying his face in his pillow as he tried to keep his sobs in his throat.
And the worst part was that now, everything was different.. and it was all his fault.
Two weeks had passed and the dorm, once filled with happy memories that spoke of warmer times, now it was just a big space full of regret and despair and everything in between, and the only reason he was still here was rooms away. His fingers still searched the space beside him, unconsciously groping the emptiness.
Suddenly, Jinki’s schedule was just as chaotic as he’d never seen before. Spending his time between his drama shooting, variety shows, recording sessions and group activities. The little time he spent at the dorm was spent either sleeping, eating or being locked in his old room. Kibum tried to keep it together the next day once he noticed all of Jinki’s things had been moved, and he played cool as Jonghyun was all apologetic about helping Jinki move his stuff back to his old room shared once with their manager.
Oh really? That’s great.. He had quietly replied, stirring the ramen a little slower as he gripped the wooden spoon tight enough to leave bruises in the morning.
And he could deal with that, he really could. It wasn’t the distance that killed him; he understood if the older male needed some space away from him. Fine, whatever. Kibum could deal with the distance, but it was the indifference that marred his composure.
He would’ve been fine if Jinki had given him the cold shoulder, rather he would’ve accepted it gladly, he deserved it. He would’ve been fucking perfect if the leader had ignored him, screamed at him, anything.
Yet, he had waited, stayed up all night thinking of all possible sceneries, but being greeted the next day with a smile and nothing more, watching warily as the brown haired male listened attentively to an animated Taemin, laughing at Minho’s awkward joke whilst scolding at Jonghyun for making fun of Minho, it all had seem too surreal.
Afterwards, he had grilled the truth out of Jonghyun in the laundry room, knowing the blond had talked with Jinki about what had happened that night.
“Mmm, well, he didn’t say much Key-” He yelped as his arm was pinched, Kibum threatening to whack his head with a hanger.
“Jonghyun you dinosaur, you better talk, or I swear to God!”
“Fine! Fine!” Jonghyun groaned, scratching his head and Kibum saw his resolve flickering in his big eyes, sighing in defeat seconds later, “You know how Jinki is.. he’s like.. like a fucking robot sometimes with his emotions, he keeps them all to himself. Seriously, he really didn’t say much, it was nerve-wracking. He was just all hurt and stuff.. I’ve never seen him cry, like never.”
Jonghyun dumped his dirty clothes into the washing machine, carefully taking his time as he bit his lip and stole a quick furtive glance at the door before leaning in, whispering, “But fuck, Key, he was just crying and crying, I didn’t know what to do. And then he just stopped, like flat-out stopped and said something about not seeing it coming or whatever. I didn’t get that part though.”
That right there broke Kibum up, since he knew perfectly well what Jinki had meant. He was a ball of insecurities, never good enough, never just enough. And this had been probably a punch to his self-esteem.
And it wasn’t like hadn’t been trying to talk to him and apologize. God knows he’s been trying at every chance he got to pull Jinki aside and make things right but fucking life was just conspiring against his resolve and with the way Jinki was treating him like everyone else.. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was scared.
He was scared shitless of the fact that, after 4 years, this might be a casualty far too catastrophic to repair. The thought alone had Kibum slumped into a big lump of depression as days passed by, having lost a few pounds out of sheer anxiety.
Deep in thought, as he picked absentmindedly at the food on his plate, Kibum wondered if this was how things had meant to end all along, and he sniffed, feeling tears prickling in his eyes, but those tears were forgotten as he almost hit the roof. Jonghyun slammed his hands on the table, staring at him in annoyance as the other members blinked in confusion at his outburst.
“Enough! I can’t take it anymore!” Jonghyun whined, ruffling his hair in irritation, “Stop with the moping already! Do something!”
“About what-”
“Ugh, don’t play dumb.” He rolled his eyes, and Kibum’s hand twitched as a reflex, knowing he would’ve punched the blond one in any other situation by then at that roll. “This thing with Jinki. It’s been two weeks! I can’t take your mopey self anymore.”
“What?” Kibum pouted, “I’m not being mopey..”
“Yeah, you are.”
“You definitely are..”
“You have mopey written all over your face Kibum.”
He was taken aback as Minho and Taemin chimed in. Alright, maybe he had been moping around-maybe-but, what could he do about it? That was the whole point. Not knowing what to do..
“Fine..” He sighed, shoulders falling in defeat. “I get it.. I’m being mopey.. but I don’t know what to do.”
“Just talk to Jinki.”
Kibum snorted. “Yeah, like I haven’t tried already. It’s impossible, our schedules keep crashing and we keep missing each other.. He just keeps making up excuses and shit.. he keeps running away.”
At the sight of his suspiciously wet eyes Minho panicked, shaking his hands. “Yah! No crying!”
“I’m sure there must be a way to get Onew’s attention..” Jonhyun furrowed his eyebrows, deep in thought. “What about make-up sex? I’m sure Onew won’t mi- ouch!”
“Shut up you dimwit!” Kibum hissed, glowering.
And as Jonghyun shrieked, narrowly avoiding the fatal fork aimed at his left eye, Taemin tapped his chin thoughtfully, suddenly bouncing in his chair in excitement.
“Oh! I know! Go visit him at the studio! He’s recording his scenes for Descendants of the Sun today at MBC!”
“What? No, no, no!” He shook his head fast, gathering all their finished plates as he made his way to the sink, scraping the leftovers nervously. “That’s crazy Taemin, he’ll be too busy and I’ll just interrupt him and the rest of the actors.. I don’t wanna cause him any more troubles.”
Jonghyun leaned back, nodding in agreement. Everyone stared at Minho as the tall man cleared his throat at once, redirecting the attention in the room towards him.
“Jinki will be busy, but once he gets a break there’s no way he’ll be able to run off if you confront him in his dressing room. You could go with the excuse of bringing him lunch or something. No one will suspect anything.”
Jonghyun gawked at him, Taemin beaming as he high fived a smug looking Minho. It was simple and perfect, just the excuse he needed and it seemed like it had all been planned out with how he had barely any schedules that weekend. Kibum bit his lip, turning around and lowering his eyes as he gripped the sink for support. Could he do it? He could feel shivers racking his body at the thought. He was scared, so scared his heart was slamming against his ribcage.
What if Jinki brushed him off? What if he told him he didn’t love him anymore? What if- ..
“You’ll never know.” Jonghyun whispered, all too knowing, placing his chin against the back of his shoulder in comfort, “Be brave.”
Comforted, he nodded, taking a deep breath as he bit his lip and proceeded to make lunch for the eldest, his brain pulsing with the infinite scenarios that could play up.
And it wasn’t long before he was at the gates of the MBC building, hidden in his hoodie as he passed a group of schoolgirls screeching, some eyeing him warily in suspicion, taking in his plain outfit and mile long legs. He was in after briefly flashing his ID card to the porter, thankful that the dark tinted glass hid his face as he pulled his hood back.
He walked through the lobby, bowing and greeting some familiar faces, but none too familiar to draw suspicion. He swallowed hard, eyes scanning the board filled with the most complex schedule he had ever seen. He knew MBC was big, but he didn’t know it was that big. Radio, variety shows, dramas, news, you name it.
With so many shows being recorded.. How the hell was he supposed to find Jinki’s!?
“Hello, Mr. Kim? Pardon me, but.. Are you looking for Mr.Lee’s drama studio?” A soft female voice came from behind, and he swore he changed into ten different shades all at once, from paper white to tomato red as he turned around, sheepish, biting his lip as he stared back at the recepcionist eagerly waiting for his reply.
“Hi! Um.. yeah, O-Onew’s drama studio. Ibroughhimlunchcauseheforgothislunch.” He pushed the lunchbox close to his chest, feeling shy and stupid as he blabbered all in one breath.
The women smiled, paying no attention to his strange behavior as she quickly scanned the board in practiced politeness and efficiency, pointing at a yellow spot at the top left corner seconds later. “Here it is. Studio 8. Take the elevator to the second floor, go right down the hallway, it’s the fifth door on the left. Have a good day Mr. Kim.”
Smiling, he bowed rather timidly, walking to the elevator and once the doors closed he let out a long sigh, closing his eyes as he rested his head against the mirror. He needed to put himself together. The elevator soon after and hurriedly he took a step forward only to stop dead in his track, staring blanking at Jinki just a few meters outside the elevator, his gorgeous eyes big in shock.
He was still wearing the medical wardrobe from the drama, and in any other situation he would melted at how incredibly handsome the older one looked with his pristine white coat, his button-up shirt and ironed dress pants. He looked so fucking amazing, and delicious, and he felt like blushing all over.
He really would’ve melted, if it wasn’t for the fact that said stunning man was currently hand in hand with that gorgeous breath-taking girl, tall model like seemingly foreign girl he’d never seen before.
And it didn’t take too long for him to break from his trance as he took a few steps forward, and before the doors of the elevator could close he threw the lunchbox at the unsuspecting male, making the latter take a few steps back at the force, and the girl stared wide eyed between them, back and forth, making him want rip her throat out as her pretty eyes blinked and blinked and blinked.
“Enjoy your stupid lunch.” He hissed, walking back into the elevator and Jinki hurriedly stepped forward but it was too late, the doors closed and he could hear Jinki yell his name but the tears pooling in his eyes were far too distracting.
He sobbed, pressing whatever floor number his sloppy fingers found first. He knew Jinki would know what floor he would be on, so once the door opened, he ran half blinded through the hallways, pulling his hood up so he looked more like a regular crew member and not a Kpop star that had just caught his boyfriend red-handed.
He found a few empty dressing rooms without identification unlocked, and he thanked the Gods as he hurriedly made his way inside, stumbling in the dark disoriented at first. But all dressing rooms had the same design, so he found the bathroom in no time.
Once inside he locked himself up, breathing so hard he was starting to feel lightheaded, but he didn’t care, he didn’t care his sobs were being way too loud and as he slid down on the floor, curling his knees to his chest, he wondered what the fuck he was doing.
Here he was, in Jinki’s working place, causing him trouble and something like guilt mixed with irritation settled in his stomach. He hurriedly pulled his phone out as he saw Jinki’s name flashing through the screen. With a sob he put the phone on the floor, watching how it flickered on and off for a while, and it finally stopped after the tenth call. What if Jink had finally given up? And the thought alone had his heart quivering.
Kibum didn’t know how long he stayed in that bathroom, afraid to move. He kept replaying that scene over and over again, Jinki’s hand and that girl’s hand, entwined. He knew he was being silly, it could be one of his co-workers, one of the drama’s co-stars, anyone.. And it wasn’t the fact that it was a girl he had been holding hands with, or the fact that he had been smiling at her before the doors opened, but it had been fear that set Kibum’s nerves on fright mode; fear of facing a one-sided break up.
“Shit, shit, shit!” He cursed, rubbing his eyes in frustration, and once again the phone rang, yet this time it was Jonghyun’s name that flashed through the screen. He picked up in a beat.
“Jonghyun! I shouldn’t have come, I’m so stupid!” He teared through the receiver, hearing Jonghyun’s soft comforting words full of worry. “I’m so stupid! Fuck..”
“Kibum, calm down, what happened?” He shook his head, even though he knew the blond couldn’t see him.
“He- he- he- with this girl- and his hand-” He sobbed more and hiccupped, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He wasn’t being coherent at all, and that probably was scaring the hell out of Jonghyun, but it didn’t matter all he could think of was Jinki’s hand and his smile and her eyes.
“I’m done J-Jonghyun, it’s o-over, he just doesn’t want.. he doesn’t.” He swallowed his hiccups, “I-I’m tired.. I’m going back home now.”
He stood up, his legs quavering still as he took deep breaths, trying to calm his tears. And in the darkness, the phone’s light reflecting on the mirror, Kibum could see how horrible and puffy his eyes looked and that just made him feel more miserable. How he was gonna be able to slip through the lobby and out the building without drawing any attention?
“Key, where are you?”
“I’m still at the stupid studio, I just couldn’t.. I ran away. I didn’t want to see his face.” He sighed, “Don’t tell him anything okay? Please..”
“Fine.. I promise. Just, come home okay?”
He nodded, bidding the singer goodbye as he slipped his phone back in his pocket. His face looked horrible, but it’d have to do for now, and with his hood up he hurriedly made his way out, taking the stairs and the back door of the building, no Jinki in sight. It was silly, but something like disappointment sunk in. It wasn’t like Jinki could just throw his schedule out the window to go about looking for him, he knew that much..
And almost as if he had willed him to appear he heard his name carried in the wind, soft at first but clear in seconds. He whipped his head back, staring bewildered at the sight of Jinki running out the building, cheeks puffed in short breaths as he halted his steps a few meters away. He panted, swallowing his breaths, and Key could tell the latter had been running around for a while by the sight of that thin layer of sweat covering his forehead.
“Kibum..” His voice was quiet but poignant, half-moon eyes unblinking. “Listen, I-”
His face looked so sweet as it twisted in worry, tormented, and his eyebrows furrowed, gnawing at his lower lip as he tried to order his words into senteces. But the moment was soon broken as their manager’s head appeared from the building’s back door. He called out to Jinki, and his once worried face turned dark in annoyance, his rigid shoulders giving away just how displeased he was with the interruption.
“Just go.” Kibum turned around, missing his narrowed eyes full of determination.
Jinki gritted his teeth, feet grounded. “No. We need to talk.”
The distance grew wider as their manager's calls turned louder.
“Kibum! Stop!”
But he didn’t stop, he kept walking and despite Jinki calling his name he didn’t turn back. And the latter was gonna be pissed, heck, he was gonna be murderous by the time he got home but the thought of causing him more troubles made Kibum break into a light jog, away from his sight. It was already bad enough that he had disturbed Onew’s schedule, he didn’t one the older boy getting into more troubles with their manager or the recording crew. He could deal with his wrath later.
The soft summer breeze brushed past his clammy cheeks and as he slowed down, away from MBC grounds, he really thought if being back at the dorm would be useful at the moment. He could picture the worry on all the other members’ faces, all over him, and his throat felt dry at the thought.
So he walked into a small park two blocks away from the apartment complex, sitting quietly on small bench as people walked past him, minding their own business while ignoring the solitary man hiding under the hood. His mind, for once, was just filled with white noise and he was glad for that. If he let his guard down he knew he would start making up reasons and explanations of what he had just seen, like a pitiful mechanism of self-consolation. But he didn’t want that, he just wanted to breathe, and not think and just be. A soft drizzle started falling from the sky, soaking him to the bone, but he felt nothing.
@Myong park, be back later.. don’t tell Onew.
His text, he hoped, would ease the blonde’s worried heart.
Soon enough it was time to head back, realizing only after he caught a glimpse of the stars over the dark clouds that he had been out far too long, and he could pretty much picture Jonghyun eating his worries away back at the dorm so he rubbed his wet sleeves, walking home at a slow pace.
And Jonghyun’s face was all over his space the moment he stepped inside the apartment, all worried and angry, and he kind of found it funny how the singer couldn’t choose between both, puffing his cheeks in irritation as his eyes screamed in relief.
“Kibum what the fuck! You’ve been out for hours!”
“I know.. I lost track of time.” He whispered, slowly taking off his soaked sweater, his voice raw and bleak, and his hollow eyes stared back at Jonghyun, void of any emotion. “I’m sorry..”
Jonghyun was taken aback for a second, and he opened his mouth but nothing came out. He wanted to scream at the latter for worrying him so much. But it was the bareness in Kibum’s once expressive face that stopped him dry. He took a step forward, and it broke his heart how Kibum flinched, like a deer caught in the headlights.
“It’s okay. I-I was just worried. Taemin, Minho too..”
“I know,” Kibum nodded, making his way across the room. “I’m really sorry..”
“..Jinki too was dead worried you might catch a cold..”
He froze, wondering for a second if he had heard correctly and the sound of Jonghyun’s nervous gulp made him turn around, narrowing his eyes. “What did you just say?”
The blonde male rubbed his arm nervously, his eyes darting elsewhere, avoiding Kibum’s, “He was shit worried Key! I just couldn’t lie to him! He called and asked where you were and- you know how he gets when he’s angry! I- I-”
In cue, the door opened, revealing a very wet and very tired Lee Jinki. Kibum could only stare, wide eyed as the leader stepped inside the warm apartment, his eyes never leaving his as his wet jeans started pooling water on the floor. And it didn’t take long before it dawned on him that he had been followed all along, probably all the way from the studio, to the park and back home. Something deep inside him fluttered and he should’ve felt wanted, cared for, but all he could feel was this thick ball of ire.
He snapped back at Jonghyun. “I hate you!”
He could hear the blonde call after him and Jinki’s It’s okay, let him be right now, and it fueled his irritation heaps, stomping down the hallway as he pretty much slammed the door shut, watching it shake with the force. He quickly stripped off all of his dampened clothes, keeping the dry pieces on as he climbed to the upper bunk in his room, pushing everything off and into the floor as he rolled himself in clean sheets, facing the wall.
But he wasn’t left alone with his thoughts much longer, hearing the faint click of the lock as the door softly closed. He heard rustles of sheets in the bottom bunk, but soon it was silent again and he was tempted to stare down and see who was under but he had a clue.
“Her name’s Kim Jung Ah. She’s one of my co-workers.” Jinki’s voice sounded loud and booming in the small room, despite barely being a whisper, “I swear she’s nothing more than that.”
Biting his lip, Kibum pressed his forehead against the wall, feeling the familiar tears brimming. His hands gripped the sheets tightly, feeling angry at the way he wanted to desperately fling himself into Jinki’s arms.
“She wanted me to keep her company at lunch. I was practically dragged, I promise.” And the small playful hint in his words had him snorting under his breath, because it was such a Jinki thing to do and because he could really picture him being all stupid and polite, not being able to decline that girl’s obvious insinuations.
“You’re such an idiot.”
Jinki sighed, the sheets underneath ruffling once again. “Can you please come down? I want to talk to you face to face..”
“No..” Kibum pouted, stubbornly.
He was still mad, but deep down he was elated that finally, fucking finally after forever the older boy was talking to him once again in that sweet honeyed way only meant for him. It had been far too long, and it felt like heaven to hear his voice once again.
“Kibum.. I’m sorry.. For everything, shit I don’t even know where to start. I’m sorry about our fight, about today-” His voice was full of regret. “And when she kissed me today, it was just too fast and I couldn’t-“
“What!?”
In a blur of sheets and clothes, Kibum turned around towards the edge, intent on looking down on Jinki’s stupid face only to stare right into his moonlit eyes, as the latter had his chin resting at the edge of the upper bunk, with a tiny smile on his plush lips. Kibum’s breath caught in his throat, face just inches away from Jinki’s.
“Gotcha.” He grinned in mischief.
But Kibum could only focus on his lips, feeling incredibly lascivious and wonderful all at once, and it had been far too long since he had kissed Jinki, and he didn’t pull back as the brunet leaned up and forward, placing a soft feathery kiss on his lips.
And one kiss turned into too many, and his arms where no longer at his side but weaved around Jinki, and Jinki was soon pulling him down, never breaking his grip as he carried his weight with ease, sliding him off the bunk. They kissed everywhere and nowhere all at once, finding solace in their arms and their lips.
The moment, much to their distaste was broken by the soft melody of Jinki’s ringtone, and in any other situation he would’ve thrown the irritating device aside and continue his assault but it was their manager, and rule number Never miss your manager’s calls was a sacred rule never meant to be broken.
Resigned, the older one sighed, sliding out of bed to pick up the call. Resting his back against the wall, he engages in a low conversation, nodding every once in a while. Kibum watched in silence, reaching out the bunk to climb and sit at the edge of the upper bunk, swinging his legs as he waited for the latter to end his call.
He couldn’t help the smile on his face, biting the inside of his cheek as he caught Jinki’s eyes, the small curl on his lips making his heart race.
It was always the same with them. It was how they worked. Fighting, loving, loving and loving and falling into a fight later on. It wasn't always perfect, but what relationship was? It was just a matter if issues.
Jinki sighed, running is hand through his hair as he finished the call. Without a word, he made his way towards him, his hands pressing solid on his thighs before circling his waist with his arms, burrowing his face in the warmness of his stomach, holding him close. Kibum, in silence, brushed a few strands of his soft brown hair off his forehead as Jinki looked up and into his eyes.
He could feel all those words and all those feelings caught in his throat, brushing past his lips but he swallowed them up, knowing that some things were better left unspoken.
“Jinki… I’m sorry..” He sighed, the pad of his thumbs running over the soft bruised skin under his eyes as he cradles Jinki's face carefully. “I love you.. so much.. you don’t have to try to be anything more than what you are. You’re more than enough, and- You may not be perfect but neither am I, and that's how it's meant to be.. please, no matter what, never forget that.”
For a moment Jinki looks at him, expressionless, as though he’s staring straight into his thoughts. Then he smiles. And he knows that his feelings, even though unspoken, they've been understood.
I love you.. Jinki seems to whisper in the press of his lips against his mouth. He pulls him a little bit closer. Always.