"What's a Big Sister For?"--The Simpsons
Kink Bingo fill for Obedience. Milhouse assumes that the best way to be Bart's best friend and Lisa's boyfriend is to do anything they say. Nothing explicit since...well, it's Milhouse.
It starts because Bart Simpson is the coolest kid Milhouse has ever met, and people like you more if you do everything they say, right? And it continues because Bart can always think of something to do. It's usually a bad idea, but Milhouse needs friends. Even if his mom doesn't really like Bart. But she does tell his dad she's afraid that Milhouse is "socially awkward" and "a future deranged loner" and Bart always seems to come up with some reason why something that's probably stupid or dangerous is the best idea ever. Or why it's a terrible idea, but they should do it anyway.
Doing whatever Bart says is already a habit by the time he meets Lisa.
"So, this is my crappy house," Bart says. "And this is my stupid sister."
The stupid sister glares at Bart over the book she's reading. It's a thick, intimidating looking library book with four girls in old fashioned dresses on the cover. When she turns to Milhouse, she smiles sweetly. "I'm Lisa. I'm sorry you have to put up with my bratty brother."
"Uh huh," Milhouse says.
"Hey, Milhouse, you like Kool-Aid?" Bart asks.
"Who doesn't?"
"Kitchen's that way," says Bart. "We've probably got sugar in there somewhere."
He finds the sugar. And the Kool-Aid, except it's some weird brand he's never heard of with a picture of a smiling fruit on the packet instead of the Kool-Aid Man. But it's all Milhouse can find, and it does say it no longer causes blindness, so that's probably all right.
By the time he's made the Kool-Aid (or Store Brand Fruit Flavored Drink), Bart and Lisa are sitting in front of the TV, both of them watching Itchy and Scratchy. As Itchy melts Scratchy's eyes with acid, both Simpsons throw their heads back and laugh.
Bart had mentioned Lisa before--always as "my dumb sister" or "my ugly sister" or "my brainy sister" (since Bart's his best friend Milhouse never asks how Bart's sister can be dumb and brainy). Bart's pretty cool, but Milhouse would never have guessed he'd have a beautiful sister.
***
Milhouse knows he's early. Mrs. Simpson lets him in, then yells up the stairs to Bart. He can hear Bart yelling something back--something that Milhouse would never dare to even think around his own mother.
"So, whatcha doing?" he asks Lisa.
"Malibu Stacy," Lisa says. Then she looks up from the blonde doll she's dressing in something pink and sparkly and says, "I don't think it inherently conflicts with my ideals as a feminist. After all, feminism is about choices. Like the choice to go to the prom with Brad."
Milhouse doesn't understand...any of that, but he wants Lisa to like him. He's already decided that he's going to be Bart's best friend and Lisa's boyfriend. It's the best idea he's ever had--even Bart probably couldn't come up with something that great since when Milhouse mentioned how pretty Lisa was, Bart stuck his finger down his throat and made gagging noises for almost ten minutes. And since doing what Bart tells him to is what makes them best friends, it makes perfect sense to go along with what Lisa says. She's obviously smart, so she must know what she's talking about. "Oh, yeah," says Milhouse. "Choices."
"I would be questioning the heteronormative nature of the Malibu Stacy prom line, but I've only got one Stacy doll," Lisa says almost apologetically.
"Because you're heterodorkative," Bart says from behind Milhouse.
"That's not a word," Lisa says.
"You'd know," says Bart.
"I fail to see how having a big vocabulary is an insult," says Lisa.
"Vocabulary as big as your big, fat butt."
Lisa punches him in the arm. "Shut up!"
"I don't think you have a big butt," says Milhouse.
This doesn't go as well as Milhouse expected. Lisa makes a face. "Don't stare at my sister's butt, man," says Bart. He's not joking anymore.
"I wasn't!" Milhouse says.
He's worried about the look Bart's giving him. Maybe they're not going to be friends anymore, but Milhouse was just trying to--well, he's not sure what he was trying to do, mostly because (unlike Lisa) he doesn't know the word "chivalrous." "Let's go," Bart says, and Milhouse follows him.
Milhouse doesn't know if he should apologize. Even though he really wasn't staring at Lisa. Well, not there anyway. If he knew what "socially awkward" meant, he'd be worried that his mom was right.
***
Milhouse learns the rules the way Catholic kids learn the catechism: the Simpsons family is the crappiest family in America--if not the universe--but you only get to say that if you are a Simpson. Milhouse isn't even allowed to agree--in a totally supportive way of course. He learns he can't even kind of agree when goes looking for Bart and finds Lisa crying in the treehouse.
"I hate him!" she sobs when he asks what's wrong. "He's just a big, drunk ape!"
Which at least narrows it down--Mr. Simpson, not Bart. "Your dad does drink a lot," Milhouse says. He just wants to be helpful. And he's heard somewhere that girls like it when you listen to their problems and just nod a lot.
Lisa sniffles and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"N-n-nothing, Lisa," says Milhouse. "I just--you said--I didn't mean anything! Honest!"
Lisa hugs her knees to her chest. She's kind of ignoring him, but at least she's not mad at him anymore. "They're all so stupid," she says. "I wish I was adopted."
"Maybe you are!" Milhouse says. He doesn't actually believe it, but he thinks it's what Lisa wants to hear.
Milhouse doesn't know if he'd want Mr. Simpson to be his father. He thinks he probably wouldn't, but he notices that the Simpsons do stuff as a family a lot. Bart says, "I can't; we're going to the cider mill" or "Saturday we're going to that drive through safari" like it's normal to do that (and it is normal for Bart to add, "Hey, you should ride on the hood! As bait!" and "Don't you want to see a lion up close?" Milhouse's mom says no).
***
They finally get out of Krabappel's class, and then they finally get out of Springfield Elementary.
Milhouse feels even dorkier and more awkward. His glasses get thicker. His hair and skin get greasier. He wants to grow his hair out; Bart tells him it'll look stupid.
"Just stick with what works," Bart says. "Or what you know. Yeah, what you know."
Maybe he is kind of a pushover, but Milhouse has the nagging awareness that Bart could do better. Bart's like some kind of legend--even kids who went to that other, weird elementary school have heard of Bart. Bart's that kid who cut the head off a statue, the kid who was going to jump over Springfield Gorge, that kid who was on Krusty--and those are just the things that actually happened.
But as long as he keeps doing what Bart tells him, Milhouse can keep telling other kids that he's Bart Simpson's best friend. And eventually people are going to start believing him.
In eighth grade Bart discovers shop class. Mostly because all the math teachers refused to have him in their classes, and Bart's not allowed to take study hall. Study hall is just enough time for Bart to plan something and sometimes even carry it out.
"I can't believe they'd give you access to that many power tools," says Lisa, who's in the same school as them again.
Bart cackles. "I know! And I don't have to learn fractions!"
Lisa sighs. "The rest of us learned fractions in third grade," she says.
Within a week, Bart's already built a birdhouse. It's been painted with flaming skulls, but other than that it looks store-made. "Check it out," he tells Milhouse as they walk to the bus ramp. "I actually finished a school project early!"
The rest of his grades still suck, but Milhouse doesn't know what to think when Bart goes a week and then a whole month without getting detention.
"Obviously you just needed a creative outlet," Lisa says one Saturday afternoon. Milhouse finds both Simpsons in the backyard, surrounded by pieces of wood and tools that say "Property of Ned Flanders." They've got some complicated diagram that Milhouse can't even begin to figure out. The drawings are probably Bart; the numbers and scribbles of angles are in Lisa's handwriting.
They tell him it's going to be a trebuchet. Lisa says she appreciates the opportunity to collaborate as well as the engineering challenge. Bart says it's going to send their jack-o-lanterns to Pumpkin Heaven (Flanders' backyard).
"Your destructive tendancies and poor school performance were just the result of boredom," Lisa says as Bart picks up what used to be Flanders' hammer.
"So I'm like Einstein," says Bart.
"Yeah, you're a real Einstein," Lisa mutters.
Milhouse watches. There's not much else he can do--until Bart and Lisa start arguing over who's actually going to pick up the withered pumpkin and load the trebuchet. "I'll do it!" Milhouse says. He's happy to do it--well, maybe not happy since it's almost February, and the fact that it's cold out is really the only thing holding together the blackened mass that Bart and Lisa are positive used to be a pumpkin. Well, sort of holding it together.
Milhouse is up to his elbows in rotting jack-o-lantern when he hears Mr. Simpson shout, "Bart! Lisa! What have I told you kids about medieval siege wepaons?"
"But, Da-ad!"
"Come on, Homer," says Bart. "Just one little attack on Fort Flanders?"
"Flanders" is all it takes for Mr. Simpson to giggle and join them by the fence. "I can't wait to see the look on his stupid face," Mr. Simpson says.
They only manage one shot before Mrs. Simpson comes out into the yard. Milhouse takes the rap--he doesn't think Mrs. Simpson actually believes it was his idea, but at least he's helping.
***
Bart's going to spend half the day at Springfield High School and half the day at Springfield Technical Center. Milhouse doesn't find out until they're talking about schedules--he thinks they should both try to get into B lunch. It's the smallest lunch, but that's sort of like being exclusive.
"You'll still want to boss me around, right?" Milhouse asks.
Bart puts a hand on his shoulder. "Milhouse, I'll always be there to boss you around," Bart says. "Now go stand guard--I'm going to shut down this damn internet filter."
***
Milhouse always thought that Bart and Lisa were kind of alike. Not that he'd ever actually say so.
At the tech center, Bart's really like Lisa--he's interested in a lot of different things, and he starts getting good at most of them.
"How're you just supposed to pick something?" Bart asks. He's asking Lisa, not Milhouse.
"I know!" says Lisa. "If Mom and Dad had just let me tour as a saxophonist, then I wouldn't have to choose between music and science and literature! Plus exploiting my talent would've made it much easier to deal with the awkward transition from child prodigy to gifted but unremarkable adult."
Milhouse does all right. He gets good grades. Well, he gets at least okay grades, and he doesn't really do anything else. He's not athletic, but he's not smart enough for the nerd activities. Even the idea of being on stage in front of the whole school makes him want to throw up.
He's not really sure why the Simpsons still hang out with him. It's probably a habit by now. It probably helps that Milhouse still cheerfully does almost anything they tell him to. He really has to be obliging now--Lisa's auditioning for real bands, and Bart spends half the day with people who can actually make stuff. Lisa's not even in high school, and Bart and Milhouse are only sophomores, but the Simpsons are already trying to figure out what they're going to do with their lives. They have to figure it out; Milhouse is probably going to go to business school. Maybe if he's lucky Bart or Lisa will tell him he should apply to whatever school they're going to.
***
According to Bart--and backed up by Lisa--Mr. Simpson's advice about sex had been, "If you do it before you're married, I'll kill you. And whoever you do it with. But if you do it, for god's sake, don't ruin your lives like we did."
This is apparently the explanation behind the massive box of condoms proudly displayed in Bart's room.
"Normally I sell 'em four for a dollar," Bart says as Milhouse stares in amazement at the box. "But for my old pal Milhouse...twenty-five cents each."
It's a great deal, but Milhouse is still in awe of the fact that Bart has what's got to be a lifetime supply of condoms. "Your parents are so cool," says Milhouse.
"Nah, they're just afraid their crappy kids are going to turn out as dumb as them," Bart says.
"What do you mean?" Milhouse asks. Lisa's really smart--like an actual genius. Bart's grades have never been that good, but Milhouse thinks there's a good chance that, report card or not, he's dumber than both the Simpson kids. Oh, and maybe Maggie, but Milhouse doesn't really know that much about her.
"My parents got married because of me," Bart says.
"You mean...you were an accident?" Milhouse asks. It's hard to picture Bart's mom as an unwed mother. Or as ever being anything before she was Bart's mom.
"Yeah," says Bart. He says it the way he'd say he's got hazel eyes like his mom and Lisa--who's also an accident. And so was Maggie. "Duh, we're broke, and she's like eight years younger than me. Who'd do that on purpose?"
"I don't know," says Milhouse.
"Damn right you don't know," says Bart. "Now how many condoms are you going to buy?"
As he goes home with one less quarter and one more condom in his pocket, Milhouse thinks that maybe Bart and Lisa (oh, and Maggie) are lucky. Milhouse's parents wanted him. They had high expectations. They didn't get divorced because he was a huge disappointment, but maybe it's better not to rule anything out.
***
Bart starts getting small jobs--mowing lawns, cleaning gutters, and then fixing some small stuff once he convinces people he's not the ten year old who blew up their lawn gnomes or put super-glue in their bird baths.
Milhouse doesn't know how to feel when he finds Bart, shirtless and sweating, on the front lawn.
"Trade school, man," Bart says over the roar of the lawn mower.
Milhouse feels like a dumb kid. He knows he's supposed to go to college--pretty much everyone's supposed to go to college, right? Other than the fact that he's supposed to go to college, Milhouse has given no thought to it. Bart's trying to save money and doing manly things.
"I need to get one of those things," says Bart. "Where you give the bank money, but it's not because of an overdraft or something? Like they give you more money?"
"A savings account?"
Bart shrugs. "If you say so."
The only savings account the Simpsons have--or at least the only savings account with money in it--is for Lisa to go to college. It's Lisa's money. Bart still acts like he's never going to do anything with his life, but Lisa is going to go to college.
"You still have a thing for my sister?" Bart asks after the lawn is mowed and Milhouse has brought him the lemonade he asked for.
"Yeah," Milhouse says. Lisa gets prettier every day, and Milhouse still doesn't know how to actually tell a girl that. And he's starting to suspect that Lisa will never be in love with him, but he's hoping for a pity date.
"Lisa's going to get out of this jerk burg," says Bart. "You do anything to screw that up, and I'll kick your ass."
Milhouse swears he won't do anything like that--not that he knows what Milhouse van Houten could possibly do to ruin somebody like Lisa's future.
***
Lisa's in advanced and accelerated everything. They're in the same chemistry class. She says she's not that good at chemistry, but her hand is always the first one up.
Milhouse can see the other kids--ever some of the others who're accelerated or advanced or whatever. They're starting to whisper and snicker whenever Lisa's hand goes up.
When he tries to warn her, she says, "I'm not going to pretend I'm stupid just to befriend those louts."
He knows she's still teased. But at some point Lisa stopped caring. Bart and Lisa wear what they want, say what they want, and do what they want. Milhouse thinks they're a lot like Mr. Simpson--who he's seen in his underpants way more times than you should see your best friend/future girlfriend's father in his underpants.
***
Lisa finally says she'll go out with him--but she's paying for herself, and she gets to pick what they do.
Milhouse stares at the menu. Everything's soy or tofu or Quorn. He must look especially pathetic because Lisa sighs and just orders for him. Especially pathetic is obviously the way to go because he's finally, finally, finally on a date with Lisa Simpson. He's just happy to say "That's great" and "Yeah" as she talks about science fairs and calls for papers and her set.
"Set of what?" Milhouse asks.
"Saturday night at the Jazz Hole," she says.
"Oh yeah," says Milhouse. "I knew that."
She looks sad--because she's Lisa, she knows it's never going to happen, but she feels sorry for him.
"So what're we going to do next?" Milhouse--cheerful, obliging, "like a big sister" Milhouse--asks.
It starts because Bart Simpson is the coolest kid Milhouse has ever met, and people like you more if you do everything they say, right? And it continues because Bart can always think of something to do. It's usually a bad idea, but Milhouse needs friends. Even if his mom doesn't really like Bart. But she does tell his dad she's afraid that Milhouse is "socially awkward" and "a future deranged loner" and Bart always seems to come up with some reason why something that's probably stupid or dangerous is the best idea ever. Or why it's a terrible idea, but they should do it anyway.
Doing whatever Bart says is already a habit by the time he meets Lisa.
"So, this is my crappy house," Bart says. "And this is my stupid sister."
The stupid sister glares at Bart over the book she's reading. It's a thick, intimidating looking library book with four girls in old fashioned dresses on the cover. When she turns to Milhouse, she smiles sweetly. "I'm Lisa. I'm sorry you have to put up with my bratty brother."
"Uh huh," Milhouse says.
"Hey, Milhouse, you like Kool-Aid?" Bart asks.
"Who doesn't?"
"Kitchen's that way," says Bart. "We've probably got sugar in there somewhere."
He finds the sugar. And the Kool-Aid, except it's some weird brand he's never heard of with a picture of a smiling fruit on the packet instead of the Kool-Aid Man. But it's all Milhouse can find, and it does say it no longer causes blindness, so that's probably all right.
By the time he's made the Kool-Aid (or Store Brand Fruit Flavored Drink), Bart and Lisa are sitting in front of the TV, both of them watching Itchy and Scratchy. As Itchy melts Scratchy's eyes with acid, both Simpsons throw their heads back and laugh.
Bart had mentioned Lisa before--always as "my dumb sister" or "my ugly sister" or "my brainy sister" (since Bart's his best friend Milhouse never asks how Bart's sister can be dumb and brainy). Bart's pretty cool, but Milhouse would never have guessed he'd have a beautiful sister.
***
Milhouse knows he's early. Mrs. Simpson lets him in, then yells up the stairs to Bart. He can hear Bart yelling something back--something that Milhouse would never dare to even think around his own mother.
"So, whatcha doing?" he asks Lisa.
"Malibu Stacy," Lisa says. Then she looks up from the blonde doll she's dressing in something pink and sparkly and says, "I don't think it inherently conflicts with my ideals as a feminist. After all, feminism is about choices. Like the choice to go to the prom with Brad."
Milhouse doesn't understand...any of that, but he wants Lisa to like him. He's already decided that he's going to be Bart's best friend and Lisa's boyfriend. It's the best idea he's ever had--even Bart probably couldn't come up with something that great since when Milhouse mentioned how pretty Lisa was, Bart stuck his finger down his throat and made gagging noises for almost ten minutes. And since doing what Bart tells him to is what makes them best friends, it makes perfect sense to go along with what Lisa says. She's obviously smart, so she must know what she's talking about. "Oh, yeah," says Milhouse. "Choices."
"I would be questioning the heteronormative nature of the Malibu Stacy prom line, but I've only got one Stacy doll," Lisa says almost apologetically.
"Because you're heterodorkative," Bart says from behind Milhouse.
"That's not a word," Lisa says.
"You'd know," says Bart.
"I fail to see how having a big vocabulary is an insult," says Lisa.
"Vocabulary as big as your big, fat butt."
Lisa punches him in the arm. "Shut up!"
"I don't think you have a big butt," says Milhouse.
This doesn't go as well as Milhouse expected. Lisa makes a face. "Don't stare at my sister's butt, man," says Bart. He's not joking anymore.
"I wasn't!" Milhouse says.
He's worried about the look Bart's giving him. Maybe they're not going to be friends anymore, but Milhouse was just trying to--well, he's not sure what he was trying to do, mostly because (unlike Lisa) he doesn't know the word "chivalrous." "Let's go," Bart says, and Milhouse follows him.
Milhouse doesn't know if he should apologize. Even though he really wasn't staring at Lisa. Well, not there anyway. If he knew what "socially awkward" meant, he'd be worried that his mom was right.
***
Milhouse learns the rules the way Catholic kids learn the catechism: the Simpsons family is the crappiest family in America--if not the universe--but you only get to say that if you are a Simpson. Milhouse isn't even allowed to agree--in a totally supportive way of course. He learns he can't even kind of agree when goes looking for Bart and finds Lisa crying in the treehouse.
"I hate him!" she sobs when he asks what's wrong. "He's just a big, drunk ape!"
Which at least narrows it down--Mr. Simpson, not Bart. "Your dad does drink a lot," Milhouse says. He just wants to be helpful. And he's heard somewhere that girls like it when you listen to their problems and just nod a lot.
Lisa sniffles and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"N-n-nothing, Lisa," says Milhouse. "I just--you said--I didn't mean anything! Honest!"
Lisa hugs her knees to her chest. She's kind of ignoring him, but at least she's not mad at him anymore. "They're all so stupid," she says. "I wish I was adopted."
"Maybe you are!" Milhouse says. He doesn't actually believe it, but he thinks it's what Lisa wants to hear.
Milhouse doesn't know if he'd want Mr. Simpson to be his father. He thinks he probably wouldn't, but he notices that the Simpsons do stuff as a family a lot. Bart says, "I can't; we're going to the cider mill" or "Saturday we're going to that drive through safari" like it's normal to do that (and it is normal for Bart to add, "Hey, you should ride on the hood! As bait!" and "Don't you want to see a lion up close?" Milhouse's mom says no).
***
They finally get out of Krabappel's class, and then they finally get out of Springfield Elementary.
Milhouse feels even dorkier and more awkward. His glasses get thicker. His hair and skin get greasier. He wants to grow his hair out; Bart tells him it'll look stupid.
"Just stick with what works," Bart says. "Or what you know. Yeah, what you know."
Maybe he is kind of a pushover, but Milhouse has the nagging awareness that Bart could do better. Bart's like some kind of legend--even kids who went to that other, weird elementary school have heard of Bart. Bart's that kid who cut the head off a statue, the kid who was going to jump over Springfield Gorge, that kid who was on Krusty--and those are just the things that actually happened.
But as long as he keeps doing what Bart tells him, Milhouse can keep telling other kids that he's Bart Simpson's best friend. And eventually people are going to start believing him.
In eighth grade Bart discovers shop class. Mostly because all the math teachers refused to have him in their classes, and Bart's not allowed to take study hall. Study hall is just enough time for Bart to plan something and sometimes even carry it out.
"I can't believe they'd give you access to that many power tools," says Lisa, who's in the same school as them again.
Bart cackles. "I know! And I don't have to learn fractions!"
Lisa sighs. "The rest of us learned fractions in third grade," she says.
Within a week, Bart's already built a birdhouse. It's been painted with flaming skulls, but other than that it looks store-made. "Check it out," he tells Milhouse as they walk to the bus ramp. "I actually finished a school project early!"
The rest of his grades still suck, but Milhouse doesn't know what to think when Bart goes a week and then a whole month without getting detention.
"Obviously you just needed a creative outlet," Lisa says one Saturday afternoon. Milhouse finds both Simpsons in the backyard, surrounded by pieces of wood and tools that say "Property of Ned Flanders." They've got some complicated diagram that Milhouse can't even begin to figure out. The drawings are probably Bart; the numbers and scribbles of angles are in Lisa's handwriting.
They tell him it's going to be a trebuchet. Lisa says she appreciates the opportunity to collaborate as well as the engineering challenge. Bart says it's going to send their jack-o-lanterns to Pumpkin Heaven (Flanders' backyard).
"Your destructive tendancies and poor school performance were just the result of boredom," Lisa says as Bart picks up what used to be Flanders' hammer.
"So I'm like Einstein," says Bart.
"Yeah, you're a real Einstein," Lisa mutters.
Milhouse watches. There's not much else he can do--until Bart and Lisa start arguing over who's actually going to pick up the withered pumpkin and load the trebuchet. "I'll do it!" Milhouse says. He's happy to do it--well, maybe not happy since it's almost February, and the fact that it's cold out is really the only thing holding together the blackened mass that Bart and Lisa are positive used to be a pumpkin. Well, sort of holding it together.
Milhouse is up to his elbows in rotting jack-o-lantern when he hears Mr. Simpson shout, "Bart! Lisa! What have I told you kids about medieval siege wepaons?"
"But, Da-ad!"
"Come on, Homer," says Bart. "Just one little attack on Fort Flanders?"
"Flanders" is all it takes for Mr. Simpson to giggle and join them by the fence. "I can't wait to see the look on his stupid face," Mr. Simpson says.
They only manage one shot before Mrs. Simpson comes out into the yard. Milhouse takes the rap--he doesn't think Mrs. Simpson actually believes it was his idea, but at least he's helping.
***
Bart's going to spend half the day at Springfield High School and half the day at Springfield Technical Center. Milhouse doesn't find out until they're talking about schedules--he thinks they should both try to get into B lunch. It's the smallest lunch, but that's sort of like being exclusive.
"You'll still want to boss me around, right?" Milhouse asks.
Bart puts a hand on his shoulder. "Milhouse, I'll always be there to boss you around," Bart says. "Now go stand guard--I'm going to shut down this damn internet filter."
***
Milhouse always thought that Bart and Lisa were kind of alike. Not that he'd ever actually say so.
At the tech center, Bart's really like Lisa--he's interested in a lot of different things, and he starts getting good at most of them.
"How're you just supposed to pick something?" Bart asks. He's asking Lisa, not Milhouse.
"I know!" says Lisa. "If Mom and Dad had just let me tour as a saxophonist, then I wouldn't have to choose between music and science and literature! Plus exploiting my talent would've made it much easier to deal with the awkward transition from child prodigy to gifted but unremarkable adult."
Milhouse does all right. He gets good grades. Well, he gets at least okay grades, and he doesn't really do anything else. He's not athletic, but he's not smart enough for the nerd activities. Even the idea of being on stage in front of the whole school makes him want to throw up.
He's not really sure why the Simpsons still hang out with him. It's probably a habit by now. It probably helps that Milhouse still cheerfully does almost anything they tell him to. He really has to be obliging now--Lisa's auditioning for real bands, and Bart spends half the day with people who can actually make stuff. Lisa's not even in high school, and Bart and Milhouse are only sophomores, but the Simpsons are already trying to figure out what they're going to do with their lives. They have to figure it out; Milhouse is probably going to go to business school. Maybe if he's lucky Bart or Lisa will tell him he should apply to whatever school they're going to.
***
According to Bart--and backed up by Lisa--Mr. Simpson's advice about sex had been, "If you do it before you're married, I'll kill you. And whoever you do it with. But if you do it, for god's sake, don't ruin your lives like we did."
This is apparently the explanation behind the massive box of condoms proudly displayed in Bart's room.
"Normally I sell 'em four for a dollar," Bart says as Milhouse stares in amazement at the box. "But for my old pal Milhouse...twenty-five cents each."
It's a great deal, but Milhouse is still in awe of the fact that Bart has what's got to be a lifetime supply of condoms. "Your parents are so cool," says Milhouse.
"Nah, they're just afraid their crappy kids are going to turn out as dumb as them," Bart says.
"What do you mean?" Milhouse asks. Lisa's really smart--like an actual genius. Bart's grades have never been that good, but Milhouse thinks there's a good chance that, report card or not, he's dumber than both the Simpson kids. Oh, and maybe Maggie, but Milhouse doesn't really know that much about her.
"My parents got married because of me," Bart says.
"You mean...you were an accident?" Milhouse asks. It's hard to picture Bart's mom as an unwed mother. Or as ever being anything before she was Bart's mom.
"Yeah," says Bart. He says it the way he'd say he's got hazel eyes like his mom and Lisa--who's also an accident. And so was Maggie. "Duh, we're broke, and she's like eight years younger than me. Who'd do that on purpose?"
"I don't know," says Milhouse.
"Damn right you don't know," says Bart. "Now how many condoms are you going to buy?"
As he goes home with one less quarter and one more condom in his pocket, Milhouse thinks that maybe Bart and Lisa (oh, and Maggie) are lucky. Milhouse's parents wanted him. They had high expectations. They didn't get divorced because he was a huge disappointment, but maybe it's better not to rule anything out.
***
Bart starts getting small jobs--mowing lawns, cleaning gutters, and then fixing some small stuff once he convinces people he's not the ten year old who blew up their lawn gnomes or put super-glue in their bird baths.
Milhouse doesn't know how to feel when he finds Bart, shirtless and sweating, on the front lawn.
"Trade school, man," Bart says over the roar of the lawn mower.
Milhouse feels like a dumb kid. He knows he's supposed to go to college--pretty much everyone's supposed to go to college, right? Other than the fact that he's supposed to go to college, Milhouse has given no thought to it. Bart's trying to save money and doing manly things.
"I need to get one of those things," says Bart. "Where you give the bank money, but it's not because of an overdraft or something? Like they give you more money?"
"A savings account?"
Bart shrugs. "If you say so."
The only savings account the Simpsons have--or at least the only savings account with money in it--is for Lisa to go to college. It's Lisa's money. Bart still acts like he's never going to do anything with his life, but Lisa is going to go to college.
"You still have a thing for my sister?" Bart asks after the lawn is mowed and Milhouse has brought him the lemonade he asked for.
"Yeah," Milhouse says. Lisa gets prettier every day, and Milhouse still doesn't know how to actually tell a girl that. And he's starting to suspect that Lisa will never be in love with him, but he's hoping for a pity date.
"Lisa's going to get out of this jerk burg," says Bart. "You do anything to screw that up, and I'll kick your ass."
Milhouse swears he won't do anything like that--not that he knows what Milhouse van Houten could possibly do to ruin somebody like Lisa's future.
***
Lisa's in advanced and accelerated everything. They're in the same chemistry class. She says she's not that good at chemistry, but her hand is always the first one up.
Milhouse can see the other kids--ever some of the others who're accelerated or advanced or whatever. They're starting to whisper and snicker whenever Lisa's hand goes up.
When he tries to warn her, she says, "I'm not going to pretend I'm stupid just to befriend those louts."
He knows she's still teased. But at some point Lisa stopped caring. Bart and Lisa wear what they want, say what they want, and do what they want. Milhouse thinks they're a lot like Mr. Simpson--who he's seen in his underpants way more times than you should see your best friend/future girlfriend's father in his underpants.
***
Lisa finally says she'll go out with him--but she's paying for herself, and she gets to pick what they do.
Milhouse stares at the menu. Everything's soy or tofu or Quorn. He must look especially pathetic because Lisa sighs and just orders for him. Especially pathetic is obviously the way to go because he's finally, finally, finally on a date with Lisa Simpson. He's just happy to say "That's great" and "Yeah" as she talks about science fairs and calls for papers and her set.
"Set of what?" Milhouse asks.
"Saturday night at the Jazz Hole," she says.
"Oh yeah," says Milhouse. "I knew that."
She looks sad--because she's Lisa, she knows it's never going to happen, but she feels sorry for him.
"So what're we going to do next?" Milhouse--cheerful, obliging, "like a big sister" Milhouse--asks.