Gender-swapping reptile fic with meaningful glances it-preg and salvation
At the moment, I don't want to do any of my homework. I don't care that I'm technically behind and have spent a week feeling miserable and staring at the internet. I've got better things to do, dammit!
Of course, when I say I have better things to do, you should probably remember the entry where I said I'd write whatever the hell I want.
The only reason Crowley had come over was to complain about the fact that his body seemed to be stuck on female, but after seeing Aziraphale, there didn't seem to be much point. "What happened to you?" she asked.
"I seem to have turned into a velociraptor," said Aziraphale.
"A what?"
"The ones that could open doors in that film about cloning."
"Ah." Crowley looked around the shop. "Slow day."
"Yes," Aziraphale said happily. "No one's bought anything at all."
"Is that blood on the floor?"
"I was feeling a bit peckish."
"You're always nagging me about sinking ducks, and you've been eating people?"
"Just one or two. And they were trying to take my books."
"This is a shop, angel. Shops exist so that people can go inside, pick something up, pay for it, and then leave with it."
Aziraphale looked at his gleaming claws. "They didn't look like responsible people."
"They're just books, for..." Crowley coughed nervously as she noticed Aziraphale's expression. "I was talking about regular books. Yours are...special in some undefinable way, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you worshipping them."
"I don't worship them."
"Of course you don't." On any other occassion Crowley might have pushed the point or possibly taken a dictionary and read the definition of "idolatry" aloud, but it didn't seem like a good idea to argue with Aziraphale at the moment. Touching anything with a leather spine and pages would probably be more suicidal than it usually was.
"Tea?"
"Er, yeah, fine."
Tea seemed like the best course of action considering the fact that one of them had woken up female and the other one was inexplicably some sort of dragon.
***
A few weeks later, Crowley was still female and in a foul mood, especially since he seemed to keep feeling a vague fondness for everyone he looked at. At least Aziraphale seemed to be back to normal, which meant that Crowley was free to complain as much as she pleased.
"I'm pregnant," she said.
"You really should be more careful," said Aziraphale.
"It's yours."
"That's impossible. I never touched you. And even if I had, I've only just gotten back to normal."
"Last time I came over, you kept staring at me," said Crowley. "And now you're doing it again, you bastard!"
"You think I fathered your child by looking at you," said Aziraphale.
"It's the only explanation."
"You're sure you just didn't have a bit too much to drink and take advantage of some poor boy?"
"How can I take advantage of anyone? I'm going to be a single mother!"
"That's your own fault."
"You won't be saying that after the DNA test."
"The what?"
"I don't know; I saw it on television."
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Aziraphale quickly turned away. "Now you're just being ridiculous."
"Look me in the eyes and say that."
"No."
"Oh, come on. I'm already knocked up, and you don't believe me, so--"
"Is that what this is about?"
"It's about the fact that I'm knocked up, yes."
"You're just upset that I don't believe your ridiculous story."
"Why would I lie about being pregnant?"
"Oh, I believe that part," said Aziraphale as he stared at the floor like a stubborn bastard. "You do seem to have a sort of glow."
"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that as well."
"This should be quite interesting."
"I've been saved," said Crowley.
"From wh--oh. Are you sure?"
"I'm blaming you for that as well."
"Are you sure it isn't just your hormones?"
"Yes, I'm sure it's not my hormones, you sexist bastard!"
A faint screeching noise started coming from the back room. "What's that?" asked Crowley.
"It must be the eggs hatching," said Aziraphale.
"Eggs."
"Yes."
"We'll call it even on child support, then?"
Of course, when I say I have better things to do, you should probably remember the entry where I said I'd write whatever the hell I want.
The only reason Crowley had come over was to complain about the fact that his body seemed to be stuck on female, but after seeing Aziraphale, there didn't seem to be much point. "What happened to you?" she asked.
"I seem to have turned into a velociraptor," said Aziraphale.
"A what?"
"The ones that could open doors in that film about cloning."
"Ah." Crowley looked around the shop. "Slow day."
"Yes," Aziraphale said happily. "No one's bought anything at all."
"Is that blood on the floor?"
"I was feeling a bit peckish."
"You're always nagging me about sinking ducks, and you've been eating people?"
"Just one or two. And they were trying to take my books."
"This is a shop, angel. Shops exist so that people can go inside, pick something up, pay for it, and then leave with it."
Aziraphale looked at his gleaming claws. "They didn't look like responsible people."
"They're just books, for..." Crowley coughed nervously as she noticed Aziraphale's expression. "I was talking about regular books. Yours are...special in some undefinable way, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you worshipping them."
"I don't worship them."
"Of course you don't." On any other occassion Crowley might have pushed the point or possibly taken a dictionary and read the definition of "idolatry" aloud, but it didn't seem like a good idea to argue with Aziraphale at the moment. Touching anything with a leather spine and pages would probably be more suicidal than it usually was.
"Tea?"
"Er, yeah, fine."
Tea seemed like the best course of action considering the fact that one of them had woken up female and the other one was inexplicably some sort of dragon.
***
A few weeks later, Crowley was still female and in a foul mood, especially since he seemed to keep feeling a vague fondness for everyone he looked at. At least Aziraphale seemed to be back to normal, which meant that Crowley was free to complain as much as she pleased.
"I'm pregnant," she said.
"You really should be more careful," said Aziraphale.
"It's yours."
"That's impossible. I never touched you. And even if I had, I've only just gotten back to normal."
"Last time I came over, you kept staring at me," said Crowley. "And now you're doing it again, you bastard!"
"You think I fathered your child by looking at you," said Aziraphale.
"It's the only explanation."
"You're sure you just didn't have a bit too much to drink and take advantage of some poor boy?"
"How can I take advantage of anyone? I'm going to be a single mother!"
"That's your own fault."
"You won't be saying that after the DNA test."
"The what?"
"I don't know; I saw it on television."
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Aziraphale quickly turned away. "Now you're just being ridiculous."
"Look me in the eyes and say that."
"No."
"Oh, come on. I'm already knocked up, and you don't believe me, so--"
"Is that what this is about?"
"It's about the fact that I'm knocked up, yes."
"You're just upset that I don't believe your ridiculous story."
"Why would I lie about being pregnant?"
"Oh, I believe that part," said Aziraphale as he stared at the floor like a stubborn bastard. "You do seem to have a sort of glow."
"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that as well."
"This should be quite interesting."
"I've been saved," said Crowley.
"From wh--oh. Are you sure?"
"I'm blaming you for that as well."
"Are you sure it isn't just your hormones?"
"Yes, I'm sure it's not my hormones, you sexist bastard!"
A faint screeching noise started coming from the back room. "What's that?" asked Crowley.
"It must be the eggs hatching," said Aziraphale.
"Eggs."
"Yes."
"We'll call it even on child support, then?"