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[lovemedeath]

the drugs should make me forget, but just as a child I forget to remember that these are only temporary means of coping. Yesterday, in the car as I'm obsessing over my love of klonopin a memory quite forcefully enters my head of his strange body entering my own limp frame, my hazy mind aware of the unwelcome intrusion, but my body paralyzed by the

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[heart_handmade]

God sweetheart, we both know I can relate to feeling as though sexual abusive and being taken advantage of is deserved but it isn't and with time you will realize this too, if you haven't already. You are a beautiful person who deserves love outside of a sexual relationship. I know love is and has always been an intensive feeling and emotion for you but I also know you easily detach love from sex. If only you let yourself truly focus on you and not delve into one man after the next searching for things only you can find within yourself. No man, no relationship, no love is ever going to fill you my sweet. Trust me, I tried for a long time to prove that wrong, we both know this. And maybe you can't learn from my mistakes but I can only hope you learn from your own. I know it's difficult for you to sometimes see the actuality of things either because of drugs, emotions, and sometimes possibly denial. And don't get me wrong who the fuck am I to even be saying these things but I continue on because maybe (even being out of line saying them

[lovemedeath]

I suppose the frustrating thing is that I am aware of all of these things. I know exactly what actions to take to ensure my own happiness, I know somewhere inside that I didn't deserve the abuse as a child and I don't deserve it now. Perhaps it's easier to fall back on the self-hatred, it has always cradled me more lovingly than confidence, than happiness. I suppose what needs to happen is an affirmative decision towards happiness, knowing fully that I want it and deserve it. Remember speaking on the phone so long ago and me saying, "that's the thing, there are a lot of people like me, but they all want happiness, and I don't, I've never once wanted happiness, I enjoy misery." I am unsure what causes this desire, if it is genuine or just a byproduct of my dismal view of myself. I hope with therapy, a removal of these men from my life and developing some sort of routine that things will become a bit clearer for me. Your love is never ever unnecessary and I mean that with everything inside of me. I cannot imagine where I would be now