Interlude:
→ I think I've been feeling incompetent because... well, because my whole life I have felt incompetent, but also because living here is ridiculous and terrible and because la suegra's favorite thing to do is remind everyone how lazy they are and how she's the only one who knows how to do anything right. Like, I put a load of laundry in the washing machine earlier today, and then when I went to put it in the dryer, she had already done it for me as well as putting another load of my clothes in the washing machine. It's not even like I let it sit there forever -- it was there for five minutes tops. So she's here doing my laundry even though I didn't ask her to, even though I have repeatedly asked her NOT to, and then literally ten minutes later I walked by and heard her talking to someone on the phone about how los todos en este casa son muy flojos, muuuuy flojos. It makes me so fucking angry, but then when I try to gently tell her that I don't need her to do whatever for me, she doesn't listen, and when I tell her firmly, she gets upset and huffs out things like "Well then no voy a decir nada si no quieres mi consejo." So basically there is no winning, the end.
→ All of this plus much, much more means that I don't want to be here for Christmas, but I don't really want to be anywhere else for Christmas, either. Today I slept in forever and was all curled up in my warm leggings and two pairs of socks and two blankets, and INB came in to cuddle me and breathe my air, and I told him, "Can you just go outside and tell everyone, 'Hey guys, Hannah says she's going into hibernation, no need to get her anything for Christmas, but she wishes you a happy holiday and will be back on January 2'?" And he said yes but was obviously lying. Jerk. Idk, every holiday season since my mom died has been different, and this year I don't feel depressed per se but I don't want to go out and have fun or be around other people having fun, which sounds fucking terrible but is the absolute truth. OH WELL, life goes on.
→ I have, however, been to two fun white elephant parties. One was at a friend's place, and INB and I scored a sweet package of two half-pound Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. BALLIN. The other was at work, and I almost got a set of Star Trek TOS Pez dispensers but ended up with two pairs of super warm leggings which I am very pleased with.
→ Also, I am officially done with work for this semester!! It was pretty crazy there for a while. At one point I was up for 36 hours. But now it's over... and the teacher I work for graciously and thoughtfully let me know at the last minute that she'll be going on sabbatical next semester. So. The good news is that I won't have to read papers for her! The bad news is that I won't be getting paid to read papers for her! I guess I'll just look for more teachers and aggressively seek out math students.
→ Oh, here's something exciting: I got high for the first time the other night!! I've never been ~anti-pot~ or anything like that, I just never came across an opportunity where I felt comfortable trying it (i.e. with people I trusted etc), but since moving in INB and I have been talking about it a lot. So we finally made it happen! It was ... an experience. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it made me feel all the things I feel when I'm anxious but without the actual anxiety. So for instance, when I'm anxious, I become super aware of my facial expressions and whether I'm saying the right thing or making myself look like a dumbass, and being high made me feel all of those things really really strongly, but I was mostly pretty calm. So basically, experiment result: no regrets, but I will require further experimentation to see if I actually enjoy it!
→ Today I was listening to music and had a thought that I cannot believe took three years to pop into my head: I wish I could share Arashi with my mom. I think she would have genuinely loved "Rock Tonight," which was the song I was listening to at the time, among others of course. I feel like her favorites would be Yamapair and I'm not sure why, it is just what my gut is telling me.
→ And, finally, boys. One of the first dudes who contacted me on CM had this fucking gorgeous profile picture, so gorgeous that I simultaneously thought it was fake and wanted to keep him hooked just so I could have such a beautiful fucking dude in my collection. We don't talk all the time, but every now and then he'll show up in my inbox saying something like "Hey beautiful, I've been thinking about you. xxx" and I swoon and message him back even though his favorite thing is ~unwilling slavery~ or w/e which I'm not that into. ANYWAY this whole time I've still felt sort of intimidated by his ethereal beauty, but after writing that last post I was like "FUCK IT, I GOT THIS" and just asked him outright for more pictures... and he was like "Yes, whatever you want, here are some super humiliating ones for you to enjoy" AND IT WAS GLORIOUS AND WONDERFUL???? And then the day after that he was like "Can I please get on cam for you" and I said something to the effect of "Well I suppose I have time" even though I was shrieking internally and as it turns out HE IS EVEN MORE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL ON CAM. As far as beautiful white boys go, he is Beautiful White Boy Colton Haynes levels of beautiful. He is Billy Martin levels of beautiful. I feel like this will be difficult to prove because the pictures he has posted on his profile don't do his beautiful white boy face any justice. And he was all snuggled up in his bed and he looked so rumpled and cute, and when we were done chatting, he blew me a kiss. Uuuugggghhhhhhh. And then later I messaged him saying that next time he should definitely jerk off for me and he agreed enthusiastically and I'm just sitting over here with little flaming hearts dropping out of my eyes as I lovingly stroke the laptop screen. Anyway. That's my exciting boy story of the day.
And now to hunt for food???
Crossposted here on Dreamwidth. You can comment there anonymously or using OpenID. ♥
→ All of this plus much, much more means that I don't want to be here for Christmas, but I don't really want to be anywhere else for Christmas, either. Today I slept in forever and was all curled up in my warm leggings and two pairs of socks and two blankets, and INB came in to cuddle me and breathe my air, and I told him, "Can you just go outside and tell everyone, 'Hey guys, Hannah says she's going into hibernation, no need to get her anything for Christmas, but she wishes you a happy holiday and will be back on January 2'?" And he said yes but was obviously lying. Jerk. Idk, every holiday season since my mom died has been different, and this year I don't feel depressed per se but I don't want to go out and have fun or be around other people having fun, which sounds fucking terrible but is the absolute truth. OH WELL, life goes on.
→ I have, however, been to two fun white elephant parties. One was at a friend's place, and INB and I scored a sweet package of two half-pound Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. BALLIN. The other was at work, and I almost got a set of Star Trek TOS Pez dispensers but ended up with two pairs of super warm leggings which I am very pleased with.
→ Also, I am officially done with work for this semester!! It was pretty crazy there for a while. At one point I was up for 36 hours. But now it's over... and the teacher I work for graciously and thoughtfully let me know at the last minute that she'll be going on sabbatical next semester. So. The good news is that I won't have to read papers for her! The bad news is that I won't be getting paid to read papers for her! I guess I'll just look for more teachers and aggressively seek out math students.
→ Oh, here's something exciting: I got high for the first time the other night!! I've never been ~anti-pot~ or anything like that, I just never came across an opportunity where I felt comfortable trying it (i.e. with people I trusted etc), but since moving in INB and I have been talking about it a lot. So we finally made it happen! It was ... an experience. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it made me feel all the things I feel when I'm anxious but without the actual anxiety. So for instance, when I'm anxious, I become super aware of my facial expressions and whether I'm saying the right thing or making myself look like a dumbass, and being high made me feel all of those things really really strongly, but I was mostly pretty calm. So basically, experiment result: no regrets, but I will require further experimentation to see if I actually enjoy it!
→ Today I was listening to music and had a thought that I cannot believe took three years to pop into my head: I wish I could share Arashi with my mom. I think she would have genuinely loved "Rock Tonight," which was the song I was listening to at the time, among others of course. I feel like her favorites would be Yamapair and I'm not sure why, it is just what my gut is telling me.
→ And, finally, boys. One of the first dudes who contacted me on CM had this fucking gorgeous profile picture, so gorgeous that I simultaneously thought it was fake and wanted to keep him hooked just so I could have such a beautiful fucking dude in my collection. We don't talk all the time, but every now and then he'll show up in my inbox saying something like "Hey beautiful, I've been thinking about you. xxx" and I swoon and message him back even though his favorite thing is ~unwilling slavery~ or w/e which I'm not that into. ANYWAY this whole time I've still felt sort of intimidated by his ethereal beauty, but after writing that last post I was like "FUCK IT, I GOT THIS" and just asked him outright for more pictures... and he was like "Yes, whatever you want, here are some super humiliating ones for you to enjoy" AND IT WAS GLORIOUS AND WONDERFUL???? And then the day after that he was like "Can I please get on cam for you" and I said something to the effect of "Well I suppose I have time" even though I was shrieking internally and as it turns out HE IS EVEN MORE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL ON CAM. As far as beautiful white boys go, he is Beautiful White Boy Colton Haynes levels of beautiful. He is Billy Martin levels of beautiful. I feel like this will be difficult to prove because the pictures he has posted on his profile don't do his beautiful white boy face any justice. And he was all snuggled up in his bed and he looked so rumpled and cute, and when we were done chatting, he blew me a kiss. Uuuugggghhhhhhh. And then later I messaged him saying that next time he should definitely jerk off for me and he agreed enthusiastically and I'm just sitting over here with little flaming hearts dropping out of my eyes as I lovingly stroke the laptop screen. Anyway. That's my exciting boy story of the day.
And now to hunt for food???
Crossposted here on Dreamwidth. You can comment there anonymously or using OpenID. ♥