Interlude:
Things!!
→ Finished my six-week motivation project, which was pretty successful! My nails, then and now:
→ Cut my hair!
→ Was given this incredible picture of my mom, taken when she was twenty-four years old, now framed and hanging on my wall:
It came in a huge envelope that included other pictures of her throughout her life, pictures of me, her old report cards, hand-drawn birthday cards I'd given her, a birthday card she gave me that says "Happy birthday, my angel. Love, Mama" in her pretty handwriting, the sign someone made and hung up when she came home from the hospital with me, etc. One of the pictures was of sixteen- or seventeen-year-old me standing in the kitchen with her, and she's leaning against me and has this big smile on her face. That picture fucked me up. I cried a lot, harder than I have cried about her in years and years. I'm so happy to have these things, though, and grateful that my dad thought to give them to me when he was cleaning out his closet.
→ Got a tattoo!!!
I'm not as in love with the skull as I could be -- I'd like it to be brighter and maybe a little more minimalist? But I don't dislike it, I am comfortable with it living on my skin forever, and also I decided real quick, like as soon as I made the appointment, that I needed to let go of the idea that it would come out exactly the way I was picturing it because I am a ridiculous perfectionist and I knew I would be unhappy with the end result otherwise. So I'm truly not worried about it. But those flowers!!! They're so colorful, so beautiful, and they're not what I originally pictured but they are perfect and I'm so glad I trusted the artist to do his thing because I am absolutely in love with them, zero regrets.
The day after my dad gave me that picture, I walked around in a haze until I finally went to Michael's and found a beautiful frame for it. And then, as soon as it was up, I started thinking: I should get a tattoo. This September will be ten years since she died, and hopefully I'll be pregnant soon so I won't be able to get a tattoo later, so I should just do it now -- fuck waiting for the perfect artist, fuck waiting for the perfect time, just do it. So I called and made an appointment right then.
I could make up some bullshit about how the skull is supposed to ~represent her death~ or whatever but really I just like skulls. That's the thing: it's partly for her, but it's also really for me. This isn't a tattoo either of my sisters would get. My mom loved roses and pretty much everyone who knew her knew that, but pansies and forget me nots are flowers that make me think of her because of experiences and conversations we shared. So now, and for the rest of my life, when I look at it, I'll be happily reminded of her, and I'll also be happily amazed by how bright and colorful and beautiful and me it is.
As for the actual getting-a-tattoo experience: I've gotten one before (also mom-related; she had a little heart on a rose vine on her ankle, and right after she died, one of my sisters and I went and got the same thing) but it's SMALL and I got it ten years ago, so the experiences don't really compare. I remembered the first one hurting way less than I thought it would, so I wasn't too worried this time around. At times it seemed like it was even less painful than I was expecting, but of course some parts were more painful than others. The squishy bits right at the inside of my elbow hurt the worst. THE WORST!!! But it was all bearable, and the artist told me repeatedly that I was a badass for taking it as well as I did lololol. I also bled VERY little, like barely any at all, and he said that means I'll probably heal pretty quickly aw yeah.
Right around the halfway mark, I got that incredible rush of endorphins and started feeling REALLY floaty and fidgety. I wasn't thinking about it being endorphins at the time, I kind of thought it was just from lying there for so long, but then afterwards I started thinking, "Oh. Acute, sustained pain to the same area for a long stretch of time........... SO THAT'S WHAT SUBSPACE FEELS LIKE!" It was amazing because it honestly felt like being high and I've never experienced that from anything other than pot. I can definitely see why people get "addicted" to tattoos, and also yes I am going to apply this experience to my next kink fic and you can't stop me.
→ Not pregnant yet but still trying. :D
Anyway so those are the current life and times of kinoface. I miss you guys!
Crossposted here on Dreamwidth. You can comment there anonymously or using OpenID. ♥
→ Finished my six-week motivation project, which was pretty successful! My nails, then and now:
→ Cut my hair!
→ Was given this incredible picture of my mom, taken when she was twenty-four years old, now framed and hanging on my wall:
It came in a huge envelope that included other pictures of her throughout her life, pictures of me, her old report cards, hand-drawn birthday cards I'd given her, a birthday card she gave me that says "Happy birthday, my angel. Love, Mama" in her pretty handwriting, the sign someone made and hung up when she came home from the hospital with me, etc. One of the pictures was of sixteen- or seventeen-year-old me standing in the kitchen with her, and she's leaning against me and has this big smile on her face. That picture fucked me up. I cried a lot, harder than I have cried about her in years and years. I'm so happy to have these things, though, and grateful that my dad thought to give them to me when he was cleaning out his closet.
→ Got a tattoo!!!
I'm not as in love with the skull as I could be -- I'd like it to be brighter and maybe a little more minimalist? But I don't dislike it, I am comfortable with it living on my skin forever, and also I decided real quick, like as soon as I made the appointment, that I needed to let go of the idea that it would come out exactly the way I was picturing it because I am a ridiculous perfectionist and I knew I would be unhappy with the end result otherwise. So I'm truly not worried about it. But those flowers!!! They're so colorful, so beautiful, and they're not what I originally pictured but they are perfect and I'm so glad I trusted the artist to do his thing because I am absolutely in love with them, zero regrets.
The day after my dad gave me that picture, I walked around in a haze until I finally went to Michael's and found a beautiful frame for it. And then, as soon as it was up, I started thinking: I should get a tattoo. This September will be ten years since she died, and hopefully I'll be pregnant soon so I won't be able to get a tattoo later, so I should just do it now -- fuck waiting for the perfect artist, fuck waiting for the perfect time, just do it. So I called and made an appointment right then.
I could make up some bullshit about how the skull is supposed to ~represent her death~ or whatever but really I just like skulls. That's the thing: it's partly for her, but it's also really for me. This isn't a tattoo either of my sisters would get. My mom loved roses and pretty much everyone who knew her knew that, but pansies and forget me nots are flowers that make me think of her because of experiences and conversations we shared. So now, and for the rest of my life, when I look at it, I'll be happily reminded of her, and I'll also be happily amazed by how bright and colorful and beautiful and me it is.
As for the actual getting-a-tattoo experience: I've gotten one before (also mom-related; she had a little heart on a rose vine on her ankle, and right after she died, one of my sisters and I went and got the same thing) but it's SMALL and I got it ten years ago, so the experiences don't really compare. I remembered the first one hurting way less than I thought it would, so I wasn't too worried this time around. At times it seemed like it was even less painful than I was expecting, but of course some parts were more painful than others. The squishy bits right at the inside of my elbow hurt the worst. THE WORST!!! But it was all bearable, and the artist told me repeatedly that I was a badass for taking it as well as I did lololol. I also bled VERY little, like barely any at all, and he said that means I'll probably heal pretty quickly aw yeah.
Right around the halfway mark, I got that incredible rush of endorphins and started feeling REALLY floaty and fidgety. I wasn't thinking about it being endorphins at the time, I kind of thought it was just from lying there for so long, but then afterwards I started thinking, "Oh. Acute, sustained pain to the same area for a long stretch of time........... SO THAT'S WHAT SUBSPACE FEELS LIKE!" It was amazing because it honestly felt like being high and I've never experienced that from anything other than pot. I can definitely see why people get "addicted" to tattoos, and also yes I am going to apply this experience to my next kink fic and you can't stop me.
→ Not pregnant yet but still trying. :D
Anyway so those are the current life and times of kinoface. I miss you guys!
Crossposted here on Dreamwidth. You can comment there anonymously or using OpenID. ♥