Blind Justice chapter 4
“Jared?” Jensen asks, his voice sore and out of breath from the scare his obnoxiously loud telephone gave him. After several hours of just lying in bed counting sheep and staring up at the ceiling he had finally dozed off. The thoughts of the trial and his attack had played over and over in his mind, until all of a sudden he was awoken, and the remnants of sleep drift away quicker than they came.
When he sits up, waiting for an answer on the other end of the line, his back begins to stiffen in pain while sparks of heat ignite in the stitches that are closing up the big gashes in his left eyebrow and cheek. His pale flesh is still angry and red, while splashes of purple mar the places where he took hits, and the pain in his face has somehow traveled its way down to his spine, and everything below that, leaving him feeling immense discomfort.
“Guess again,” the voice on the other line says, and, God, he would know that soft spoken drawl anywhere. Jensen really doesn’t know anyone else with a voice so calm at any time of the day or night, and the tone sends shivers down his painfully aching bones.
“Paul? Why the hell are you calling me at,” he strains his body at the angle of the bedside table to check the flashing red letters of his alarm clock, “at three in the morning?”
“Well if you’d come to answer your door, you might find out,” Paul says nonchalantly, as if it is something to throw out at this time of night, like it’s normal for him of all people to visit Jensen’s house with no proper invitation. The man was either suicidal or had no scruples, which was funny, because Federal agents always claim to have them.
That made Jensen so wary that he didn’t even have the words to respond. “Are you saying you’re at my door at three in the fucking morning, Wesley?”
“No, I’m saying I’m at your door holding your cup of coffee, some pastries, and some info you might like.” The man retorts, trying hard for humor to please him. “I’m insane, but I’m definitely not suicidal.”
It takes a couple of grunts and a whole lot of effort to get his legs to support his upper body long enough to get off the damn bed and to the door.
When he finally hobbles his way to the door, taking small careful steps, and opens it he doesn’t really know what to think when he’s face to face with Paul Wesley.
There’s a moment when he looks right in to the man’s eyes and knows instantly that all his injuries are what have Paul’s attention, and after a while it gets tiring to see people give him looks of sympathy along with questions that seem to go on forever. As a lawyer, the power to ask a defendant an infinite number of questions until they break down and confess makes him confident. Now when he is a victim, being treated like he was some fragile object that needs care does nothing but make him seem weak, weaker than the injuries he had sustained.
When Paul said nothing, didn’t ask anything at all, Jensen moved to the side to allow him into his house, the smell of strong coffee and donuts fill the air as he walks toward the nearest table to set down everything in his hands.
It’s not until everything is set down on the table that Paul decides to speak, his voice is low and pained.
“I heard about the Bomer case,”he says, voice sympathetic. “It’s a shame how it went down.” The tentative approach was a tactic he doesn’t really expect from Paul.
As silence fills the room, Jensen takes in the other man’s appearance from his styled, sandy hair to his neatly shined shoes that seem to sparkle in the low light of the house. From this angle he can see a man that is so different than the one he is married to. It’s still puzzling how two men that at one point had the same profession were so different from each other. Looking at Paul right now does nothing but bring a flood of memories to him, and suddenly he is feeling nervous. His skin is starting to sweat just above his forehead, and he can feel each bead of moisture slowly forming.
There is a small voice in his head telling him that letting Paul Wesley of all people into his home is a mistake for all the obvious reasons. This man isn’t someone that used to just work alongside his husband at NYPD, no, it’s much more complicated than that. This guy is his ex-boyfriend, which means this is all a bad idea. Although he seems to be making bad judgment calls all over the place, and this is just one more person he seems to be willing to make another for.
Jensen scratches at his forehead, “Well I’m sure that’s what everyone in New York is raving about, but I’m not really sure why that brings you to my humble abode this late at night.”
All he gets in response is a flash of Paul’s light brown eyes now fully focused on him. There’s a wide range of emotions flowing through the glowing irises, and it’s hard to pinpoint the main one he should be worried about.
“That was always your problem you know?” Paul scoffs, and there’s no way of knowing if there’s a hint of bitterness or sarcasm in those words. “You were always so good at hiding what’s really important.”
And Jensen can actually feel a pain in his gut when he takes a deep intake of air, because the words come out as a strike that he knows he doesn’t deserve right now. Least of all right now, when everything is falling apart around him.
In just a few seconds, Jensen shoves Paul in one swift motio,n and the twinge he gets from exerting too much force is worth it, when his ex falls off balance and ends up rattling the table enough to splash the coffee cups.
“Listen up, Wesley,” he jabs his finger into the agent’s chest, grabbing his undivided attention, “because I’m only going to explain this once. I’ve been through hell these past few months, working on a case that just literally slipped from my fingers. The last thing I need is my ex-boyfriend coming at me with a list of all my flaws. I am more than well aware of them.” This whole case with Matt brings up a lot of deep seated issues he has about himself. All the things he hates about himself have come out in a matter of months, taking a toll on his job and possibly putting a strain on his marriage. The flaws have just gathered around to slowly devour him whole, and he doesn’t need Paul to remind him of the main one that was killing him.
Then Paul gazes up to take a breath before nodding back at Jensen, the expression on his face full of regret for an instant, and all Jensen can do in return is sigh, cupping his face in his palm, lightly massaging his forehead.
“Can you please tell me what the hell this is about?” He asks, before any more hurtful words are thrown out again. “And please refrain from the cheap shots, unless you want a beating.”
Paul straightens up and reaches into his coat pocket to retrieve a small card, and he can’t really tell what kind until it’s presented to him, right in his line of vision.
Jensen laughs outright when he snatches the item from Paul and sees that the card is a new driver’s license, under a name and state that don’t belong to him. It feels like someone has sucked all the air out of the room, and his lungs are exploding with fire from the simple action of breathing. He drops the ID in the process of catching his breath. Out of concern Paul gives him a couple of pats on the back before guiding him to the table so he has something to hold onto.
“This isn’t a joke, Jensen,” Paul exclaims, and probably it’s the worst time to treat a serious matter like a laugh riot, but that’s the only way Jensen’s brain lets him respond. After he’s caught his breath is when he notices Paul’s hand is touching his shoulder for comfort, but the gesture ends up stinging him. “Your life is at risk right now, and I can’t imagine what you’re feeling,” Paul admits, “but what you’re doing,” he waves Jensen, somehow trying to use Jensen’s behavior as a strong example, “sitting around waiting for your death, sure as hell won’t help you!” There’s a pause as if he’s trying to find the right thing to say next and takes a moment to get the words that are stuck in his throat out. “And it won’t stop Bomer from coming after you, especially when he’s got you trapped at the lowest level a rapist can take you.”
The green of Jensen’s eyes meet the soft brown ones directly, and he feels a flood of emotion hit him so quickly that he has to catch his breath again, because Paul’s right about all of it, everything down to the very last detail. He’s pretty sure Federal Marshals get filled in on all their special cases, but he has a feeling that his ex may have taken this one for personal reasons. Because the agent seems so certain and well aware that he is probably the only one able to devise a ruse clever enough for Jensen to understand and willingly agree to.
Then he remembers Jared. If he does this, goes into hiding, what’s going to happen with his husband and everything they’ve built in New York. The memories they’ve collected with each other over the years of their relationship, along with the hardships and pain they’ve gone through. Would Jared really be willing to let everything go to keep them both safe, to keep them together? He suddenly flashes back to the death glares Bomer gave to Jared, to the threats the rapist whispered in his ear when he had Jensen cornered. The man was fully capable of hurting Jared without a single thought of remorse in his head. Matt Bomer just has no conscience, a typical sociopath.
“What happens to Jared?” And Jensen is more afraid of the answer than anything else, because he couldn’t care less what happens to himself, but his husband is what really matters in all this, everything else is meaningless.
Paul’s hands fall to the side and he shrugs, “That all really depends on you.” He walks around the table to pick up a folder Jensen doesn’t remember seeing him come in with and putting it in his hands. “There’s a set of credentials made up for you, and for him; you can’t be married of course, because then you’d be easy to spot, but we made it easy for you to be able to see each other.”
Jensen’s face just falls at the paperwork he sifts throug,h because everything has been erased. All of his life, and his memorieswill be nothing but dust that disappears into thin air.There’s no trace of Jared Padalecki or Jensen Ackles in any of these papers, and maybe that’s the point, but it’s disappointing and sad. There’s nothing left of them.
And he thinks about Jared Padalecki, and how important he is to New York, to his precinct, and most of all how valuable Jared is to him. When it comes down to it, the state of New York can do without him, because he can be replaced, but there’s only one Detective Padalecki dedicated to the job he was born to do like his long line of family before him.
The only reason this has all happened is because Matt wanted Jensen to add to his stash of rape victims and wasn’t going to let one failed attempt stop him. Eventually he was going to persist, until he got what he wanted and would kill anything in his path that got in his way. Jared means too much to him, and he cares too much to just let him become another victim. If they run away it would only be a matter of time until the sociopath found them, and there was no way he could live knowing he was the reason for Jared’s death.
Jensen blinks several times in order to stop the tears that are building up with the ache in the corner of his eyes. The bitter taste he feels in the back of his throat dissolves when he glances up at Paul with sorrow filled eyes.
“Matt Bomer’s a grade A sociopath,” he explains in a hushed tone, “and he’s never going to stop coming after me, and it’s not like me disappearing will put a stop to him. He won’t give up, until he finds me, and he won’t leave me alone, until I’m dead or a helpless victim.”
Paul puts a hand up to stop him from talking and has an eyebrow raised in question, “Wait. What you are trying to say? That you want to do this alone?”
Jensen just repeats himself this time, with a little more conflict in his voice. “He’s not going to stop, until either everyone I love is dead, or I am. I choose the latter, Paul, because I just can’t let others get hurt, just because I’m his new obsession.”
“Ok so let’s say we do just kill you,” Paul placates, “And then what? What will that accomplish if he decides to find a new target to obsess over?”
“How is hiding me and my husband going to solve anything?” Jensen throws back angrily.
“It’s keeping you both alive!” Paul yells back. “Keeping you together, maybe not as a married couple, but it’s a lot better than this insane plan you have in mind!”
Then Jensen decides to go about explaining this in a way Paul can understand and pushes up into Paul’s personal space again.
“In some cases if a sociopath is incapable of getting to his target, because there is no possible way to do it, the sociopath starts to lose hold of their compulsion, and, yes, if they can find another they will, but if he’s out of practice by then he might slip up.” And Paul just narrows his eyes at him, but it doesn’t jolt Jensen at all from what he’s suggesting. “It’s a shot in the dark, and believe me I’m not one to put others in danger, but he’s going to be watched most of the time,” he adds, “And this might buy enough time for us to catch him.”
The moment his ex uses his palm to cover his eyes and massage his temples is when Jensen knows he’s won the battle. Eventually Paul was going to have to give in to his idea, mainly because Jensen was the most stubborn son of a bitch there was, and there was no way around himPaul was bound to give in to his law book cleverness.
Paul puts his hand down and stares Jensen down, “If, and only if I agree to this, you have to be willing to handle the damage this might cause if he finds a new victim and find a way to fix it,” the agent bargains.
“I promise,” Jensen agrees. He finds this planas heartbreaking as it is difficult. Jensen is going to go into hiding and erase his current life in order to make a new one and leave Jared behind as a result. God, it isn’t easy to do this, no matter how easily he is agreeing to the risks he has to take. There is no way this is easy, because his husband means everything to him, and nothing could change the love he has for Jared, but if Jensen wanted to keep him alive even if they couldn’t be together, then this is a decision he is willing to live with. Hell, no, it isn’t easy to let go, but if it means Jared living and being happy, there is no contest.
“You’re right,” he says sullenly, “we can’t just make you disappear, because they’ll all know you’re still alive.”
Jensen just gives him a sad smile, “I always wanted to go out with a bang. All we have to do is make it believable, and have an audience.”
“You’re going to need to be there for your funeral too.”
Jensen gazes up at the ceiling tile, “I asked for a closed casket in my will, and I know Jared’ll respect my wishes. All we need to do is find a way to put another body in there.”
“I’m sure we can figure something out, but first things first,” Paul bends down to pick up the ID card Jensen dropped earlier and takes back the folder in Jensen’s hands, “we need to plan this correctly. Where’s Jared right now?”
“Still working, everyone in SVU and at the precinct is pulling a round the clock shift. Why?”
Paul just gives a small smile, “Because this is going to take a lot of time, and unfortunately we’re both sticklers for details.”
It only makes Jensen ache even more inside, because this plan is going to do a lot more damage to Jared in the end, but at least he’d be safe, and that’s what really matters.
The Captain whistles when he’s done describing that night to him, “That’s a hell of a cover up.”
All Jensen can do is shrug, because nothing else comes to mind as a good response after spilling something as personal as this.
“You might want to edit some of those details when you talk to Jared.” And Jensen swears that the thought of having to tell him about Paul being involved hasn’t really crossed his mind until the older man mentions it.
“If I thought dying the first time around was bad,” Jensen starts, “this might be ten times more painful.”
--
The station house is still familiar, Jensen discovers, much to his relief. The place is alive with the hustle and bustle of officers and admin staff, visitors and witnesses roaming the corridors, such a crazy mix of people converging on one spot and giving Jensen a feeling of anonymity, allowing him to get lost in the melee.
He’s dusted off his power suit, though it is a little loose in the shoulders, and the pants are cinched in at the waist by a leather belt, but losing a little weight is the least of Jensen’s problems. It is harder than he’d thought to fall back into his old persona again; the strong, confident lawyer he’d been has been slowly chipped away by Bomer, by leaving behind everything he’d ever known, and two years hiding behind a desk, letting all his real skills go to waste.
He fiddles nervously with his silk tie as he jogs up the front steps and slows by the front desk. Clearing his throat, he waits for the desk sergeant to look up from his paperwork.
“Alright, alright, hold your horses,” the man says gruffly. He is uniformed, and his face is set in a deep scowl as he scrawls out a signature on the bottom of an intake form. “What can I do for you?” he says finally as his head comes up, only for his face to freeze in an open-mouthed expression of shock.
Jensen tries to keep the easy smile on his own face but he is pretty sure that it becomes a little strained after such an intense scrutiny. “ADA Ackles. I need a visitor’s pass,” he says, hoping to break the stalemate and get away from the uncomfortable prickling sensation breaking out all along his spine.
The man startles, straightening up, and his face regained the wary, jaded expression of a true NYC beat cop; he looks at Jensen with judgment in his eyes, and Jensen knows right then, that in their world, it is eat or be eaten. Nobody is going to be on his side. Jensen squares his shoulders and stands up straighter, returning the challenge, even though his skin still crawls with unease.
Jared isn’t the only person he has deceived, after all.
“Right,” the officer says, drawing the word out as he fumbles beneath the desk and slaps a plastic pass on the desk, then retrieves a sharpie marker from beside his elbow. He uncaps the pen and looks down at the pass, shaking his head before he begins to write. “If only all our stiffs looked as good as you,” he says.
Jensen just ignores the remark and takes the pass before the officer can say anything else that doesn’t pertain to the precinct rules. He quickly goes on his way and thinks about the task at hand, confronting someone he hasn’t seen in the little more than two years since he was declared dead in the State of New York. Although it has only been a couple of years it feels like a lifetime has gone by, while he’s gone on living by himself in Seattle, with no real friends but Alexis to count on.
There was a point where he couldn’t talk to anyone at all unless he absolutely had to do so, and even then it wasn’t more than a sentence or two. Jensen had basically quarantined himself from any human interaction whatsoever, and the emptiness in him had grown as days went by. Then there is no denying how lonely it was without Jared by his side to share everything with. He’d become well aware of all the happiness he’s given up for the love of his life, and now that he sees how different New York has become, less crime filled, he knows that it was worth knowing Jared got to live another day so he could help those who couldn’t defend themselves.
Old feelings, all sorts of memories start rushing in on him when he steps foot into the main part of the precinct, where the SVU Detectives like to hold their examinations of collected evidence and brainstorm on how to make their next move. It’s like the past decided to creep up on him and has sent him reeling back to when he was just twenty-six years old, with an actual career he could be proud of.
When he finally sees Jared at his desk, talking with Danneel who is sitting on his desk, oblivious to everything other than his fellow workers, Jensen has to gasp for a steady breath. His pulse speeds up, and his stomach starts to flutter right along with his racing heartbeat. There were so many words that he planned to say, and now they’ve all gone poof, along with his brain.
The idea of this confrontation was silly, because from the looks of it, the detective seems fine. Jared is lounging on his chair, caught up in something serious, more than likely a case, and most importantly, unaware of Jensen’s existence. If this is what the Captain meant by falling apart, then he could definitely walk away and live with this. He could leave, knowing that the other man was focused on work, and his life, and not in some spiral of depression.
He gathers his courage before he leaves, taking one more meaningful glance to soak up everything, before he has to walk out of Jared’s life, again. Jensen’s made a good enough name for himself in Seattle, a life that he can keep in exchange for Jared’s stability.
Jared looks up for a moment, a split second, when he gets the feeling he’s being watched, and his rigorous amounts of police training trigger his senses. When he turns abruptly as Misha and Danneel are talking to him, he feels his body freeze in place. His muscles tense up one by one, while his mind is frozen in a state of shock beyond his control. Jared’s face is as pale as a corpse, because at this very moment he’s looking right at one.
From the long distance between them, he can see the visitor’s badge on the newcomer’s chest, and he can clearly read the name , ADA Jensen Ackles. His breath hitches off beat from the rush of emotions flowing through him, throwing him for a fucking hailstorm of a loop. All he can do is stand in shock, with a delayed reaction bout how to respond to this. Does he act angry, hurt or happy that Jensen is actually alive and well? A mixture of all three?
By the time he steps forward, making eye contact with the man across the room with jaded eyes, he notices that everyone else in the department has also taken notice of this sudden reunion, because the whole entire precinct is silent. And at this point in time, the silence is maddening to Jared.
That’s when he hears a voice that doesn’t belong to him or Jensen, but to Captain Meloni, who not too long ago disappeared, right before they wrapped up the Bomer case. He has been awaiting the results from Traci, and now he’s pretty sure he know why she hasn’t even given him any updates regarding his favor. The picture of Jacob Barnes was in the back of his mind, and now all his fears were confirmed. It was all sounding like some kind of conspiracy to him, and all he really wants to know is what is going on?
“You two, in my office.” The Captain directs, before anyone else can react to the man who they thought was dead standing right in their precinct like some sort of freak spectacle. “You can reduce this to a private reunion, while everyone else,” he emphasizes everyone by cocking his head at his department who are all giving him blank stares, “Gets back to their respective duties.”
The door is held open by him waiting for them to enter. The simple gesture just makes Jared’s blood boil, and he lands on one of the billion emotions that were flooding him a little while ago. Betrayal. He doesn’t care what it takes, he’s going to make sure everyone involved gets what’s coming to them for going along with this-cover up? A conspiracy? He’s not sure what the hell this is, but when he gets to the bottom of it he’s going to make sure everyone pays.
Jared moves to the door first, forcing his body to relax in order to handle talking to Jensen again after the longest two years in his life.
He can tell by the slow, gradual steps Jensen takes to make it all the way to the door that he’s reluctant for this confrontation. It’s not surprising for someone who faked his death. Who would be ready to face all the damage they’ve caused?
When they’re both inside the room, the door immediately clicks shut close behind them. More than likely it’s either to ensure privacy or make sure there is no opportunity for either one of them to run away from the conversation that is long overdue.
As they stand there the silence festers between them, with a boatload of unresolved issues that have just piled up while they’ve been away from each other. It drives Jared to the brink of insanity, so much so that he finally decides to speak.
“What the hell is going on?” He doesn’t even try to disguise his anger, because there would be no point. Everything he’s feeling shows clearly on his face, because, unlike his former lover, Jared has nothing to hide.
Jensen’s eyes fall to the floor in an instant, and there’s a moment Jared thinks the lawyer won’t speak.
Then Jensen lifts up his head so slowly, dragging his eyes up to meet Jared’s, “It’s complicated.”
Jared can’t even control the anger that pours through his veins, making him clench his fists so tight that his knuckles go white.
“Let’s start off with something simple,” Jared suggests, “where were you this whole time?”
The look to the ground, the one that shows so much shame and embarrassment, is the one he’s given before Jensen answers the question.
“Seattle.” Jensen then adds, “I’m a worker at a very conservative insurance company. To them I’m known as Jacob Barnes, the silent overachiever that reads too much.”
Jared bites his lip so hard he can taste blood, because right now he’s seething from all this. Of course while Jared was off on very excruciating sessions with Lauren, barely eating or functioning-just trying to survive and hang on to whatever was left-his deceased husband has been living an entirely different life. He basically just walked out of one life and took on another, like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. He was apparently not even worried about the damage left behind in his path.
Trying to find some semblance of control Jared, just crosses his arms and continues the interrogation. “So what does Jacob Barnes do? Date some other lovely man who works at a bookstore? Drinks coffee at a local bistro and takes care of his best friend Alexis whenever it’s convenient?”
Jensen looks up the moment the words leave Jared’s mouth, and the taller man is pleased that it seems to have caused some sort of reaction.
“I never talked to any one except Alexis,” Jensen’s voice is low and dangerous. it’s the same tone reserved for low down thugs that think they’ve gotten away with their crime. “I was a workaholic, and spent most of my time living with all my harbored guilt.” Then there’s a pause, and it’s much needed because all this bullshit is a lot to take in at once.
“But I don’t regret it, Jared. I did what I had to, because it meant that Matt would be stopped,” Jensen exclaims, but somehow Jared still doesn’t see the good in what was done.
“So you faked your death to stop a rapist?” Jared steps back as far as he can get. He wants to keep a distance, so he’s not tempted to hit the other man in the face.
“When rapists can’t get at their prey some of them react to that. They find any way they can to get to them, and sometimes if the prey is unattainable, they stop.”
“And what if that didn’t happen, huh?” Jared yells, not even believing the man’s logic. “What if he just found another victim to replace you? Like he did with Alexis?”
It seems to Jared that Jensen had taken a huge risk doing what he had. That’s pretty far out of character, because Jensen always followed a set of rules, but he had noticed that this particular case had made him determined to throw the rule book out. Matt Bomer set off something in his former lover that had been bad enough to cause a chain reaction.
Jared sees it even now, when Jensen turns his face away from him. There are a few stray tears falling from the blonde’s eye that probably weren’t meant to be seen. This whole case with Bomer had made Jensen a mess, both mentally and physically. This was the case that had finally broken a perfectly indestructible relationship between a lawyer and a cop.
“He almost raped me,” Jensen’s voice comes out cracked and just bares everything he’d refused to deal with back then, even right up to when he died in Jared’s arms. “And I came out alive despite the massive bruising.” He turns promptly to face Jared again to punctuate his point. “You can call it a blessing, call it a fucking miracle. Call it whatever the hell you want, but I made it out alive.” He shakes his head before continuing, “I got caught in the crossfire, Jared. Every one of his guys was out looking for me, because I was close to putting him away. Even worse, I was the one he couldn’t rape! If I came forward and testified against him, it would’ve gotten thrown out either way, because there wasn’t sufficient evidence. Had I stayed, I would have been the one dealing with the fallout of your death.”
Jared steps forward, “We had solid evidence that it was him. You ID’d his voice, and the attempted rape on you was his MO!”
Jared’s reasoning falls flat when the other man rebuts. “All of that was purely circumstantial and not enough to have a jury convict him.”
“I’ve seen you get a jury to convict with less evidence than that,” he argues, resorting to petulance.
Jensen just snorts at that. “Nothing short of a confession was going to get that man put in jail.” And there it was. The cold hard truth he would have been happy to live without rather than Jensen. It was undeniable, present for him to see.
Jensen takes a sharp intake of breath before coming in close enough to touch a hand to Jared’s chest, the manner so familiar and gentle. Jared’s forced to close his eyes in order to concentrate on the good and not the bad memories that start flashing before him. He takes solace in the fact that Jensen is here with him once again, still whole and alive.
Then Jensen has to ruin the moment by speaking.
“There was no way he was going to stop coming after me, and being in witness protection was the best possible solution. I had no other choice.”
Then Jared shoves him so hard the blond lawyer smacks the nearest wall with a sickening thud. “Don’t give me that bullshit speech, Jensen,” his tone was low and fierce. “This wasn’t pure intentions at all. No this was a selfish ploy to be on top again!”
Jensen just fixes on Jared with a penetrating glare. “I was trying to keep one more rapist off the streets of New York!”
Jared has had just about enough, and throws his hands in the air in an exasperated gesture, “At whose expense?”
He gets up in Jensen’s space again and decides to prod at the man’s weak attempt of an excuse. “You may have stopped a rapist temporarily, but you left behind a grieving widower while you made yourself a happy, danger-free life in Seattle. You turned your back on me, your district, and this whole precinct, Jensen!” He yells so loudly he can hear items in the room rattle. He takes a breath to clear his head. Then with a calmer tone, “And for what? To let him know you won? Only to have this whole thing backfire on you, because he didn’t stop! He had a picture of you and Alexis in his pocket. He had proof of some sort you were still out there, and it was just child’s play the moment Alexis found herself in his domain.”
All Jensen does is look up with so much sadness. “You’re right about one thing. Going into hiding was out of selfishness. I saw the opportunity to save you from Bomer. To put a stop to all the pain he was causing us.”
Jared sees that everything he’s saying is genuine to a fault. He hates admitting it, but he can see why Jensen did it.
“And I don’t regret it,” Jensen adds, abruptly, “not for one second, and if I went back in time I would make the same decision again. But don’t you dare think that I was having the time of my life, because being without you went against my entire being! It was a sacrifice. A necessary one that I made.”
Here Jared is, grieving the death of a man that hadn’t actually died in a drive by. It still hurt, because when he looks at this man, all he can think is-I used to share a life with you. All this resentment and guilt he harbors inside has never been real, even his pain was fake.
There were thousands upon thousands of emotions flowing through him-making a particular vein in his neck pulse.
Jared heaves a long sigh and puts up no further argument. “Well I hope it’s something you’re prepared to live with, because sacrifices cost a person everything. Even the ones they love.” The threat is imminent and as ominous as ever, but it doesn’t break Jensen.
The expression he gives Jared is one of hurt and understanding. No trace of resentment or remorse.
“Trust me,” he assures him, “I came to terms with the consequences a long time ago. My sacrifice isn’t a burden, because the man I love the most stayed safe.”
The words hit hard, and Jared can’t bring himself to say anything, when Jensen steps aside from their heated argument to head to the door.
There’s nothing left to say.
--
When the Captain finally makes his way back into his office, curious to see if there has been bloodshed or anything to clean up, he is greeted by an angry detective.
In just a matter of seconds the taller man has Meloni by the shirt and throws him face first into the wall’s rough surface. Jared has his hands held tight and secure behind his back with as much pressure as he can possibly exert.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why he’s in his current position. He doesn’t try to counter the attack or find a way to break out of the strong hold his best detective has on him. There’s no point, because, in Jared’s eyes, he was involved with something that he should have brought to Jared’s attention the moment it was discovered. The failure to do so has labeled him as a traitor.
“You had no right keeping this from me!” Jared grunts out, voice strained.
Instead of calling for help or finding a way out, Meloni settles on laughing. Even though all this is pretty heavy, it is also downright hilarious. “I’m going to do you a favor, detective. I’m going to forget this silly stunt you just pulled and not fill out a formal report on your violation of protocol and authority.”
Jared’s grip tenses from his hands, eases up a bit. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You were out of line even asking Traci to run Jacob Barnes’ DNA against Jensen’s to begin with.” He informs Jared, “If the circumstances were different, you’d be looking at two months suspension without pay. I went out of my way, as a friend, to check what this was all about!”
Jared’s voice softens, “That’s why you left mid case.”
“I had no intentions of keeping this from you, Jared.” Meloni does his best to sound sincere and let the other man know that his heart had been in the right place. “I went to Seattle to get him back.”
At that, Jared releases him from the strong hold.
When he finally turns around, he’s faced with Jared, the strong, tall cop, leaning over his mahogany desk, sobbing softly. It’s the worst sight he’s ever had to witness.
--
Jared is cradling a coffee that he wishes was a little more Irish cream when Danni finally finds him.
He fled from the station the moment he’d pulled himself together enough to co-ordinate his way down the street and onto a barstool at Flynn’s, the old cop hang-out, a block from the station house. The place is quiet during the day, the few tables and booths occupied mostly by retirees. Those who are lucky enough to be off-duty are either sleeping or have better places to be, Jared figures.
Well not him. Not today.
“Can I get an espresso?” Danneel says, leaning over the bar as she slides onto the stool beside him.
Ronnie the bartender looks between them, a somber look on his face, then nods and sidles away, making himself scarce. He’s worked here a long time, has been drinking here even longer, so he knows when he’s being given ‘the signal’.
They see a lot of bad things on the streets; a lot of innocent people get hurt, and bad guys get away with it sometimes, despite how hard the department works. Life isn’t easy, especially for those who head up specialist departments like SVU. This is different though, and it seems like everyone else knows it too.
They sit in silence for a long minute with the low rumbling of Johnny Cash in the background, the old jukebox skipping every now and then, until someone gives it a swift slap, and the lights flash, but it plays on undisturbed.
“Not exactly a regular day at the office, huh?” Danni finally says, and Jared snorts, side-eyeing her hard. She shrugs and nods in thanks when Ronnie slides the espresso in front of her, but doesn’t stop as he passes.
Jared has a lot he wants to express, mostly with his fists, but he was forced to attend a seminar on that kind of thing a couple years back after . . . well, just after, and he’s not real keen on having to relive the experience. Danneel is his partner, she’s not delicate, she can handle whatever he throws at her, but she was also Jensen’s friend, so Jared holds back.
“Are you ok?” he asks her, staring down into his cup.
“You’re joking right?” she asks, rubbing a hand across her mouth and then knocking back the espresso shot as though it was real liquor. Jared shrugs. “Besides,” she says, voice a little croaky, although Jared’s good enough not to mention it, “I should be asking you that.”
“I don’t really know what to say,” Jared tells her. When he finds the courage to look up at her face she looks wrecked, probably about as bad as Jared himself looks, and he swallows hard. “I’ve barely even said his name in two years,” Jared rasps, looking away quickly, “I’ve had nightmares, woken up convinced I could still feel his-” his voice cracks, “-his blood on my hands, sometimes I wake up, and I can’t breathe, Danneel. But now . . .” he trails off.
Danneel reaches out and covers his hand with hers, pulling it away from the death-grip he has on the mug and laying it on the bar. Jared’s back goes rigid, and he smooths out his expression, all of the hurt and devastation slipping back behind the mask Danneel’s been staring at ever since Jensen’s funeral.
His goddamned funeral. Son of a bitch.
“Where-” Danneel clears her throat and draws her hand back carefully, “did he tell you where he’s been all this time?”
Jared scoffs. “Seattle. Best ADA in the fucking state and he’s been selling insurance from some cubicle in fucking Washington state, doing God knows what else. Goddamn fucking Wit Pro with all their bright ideas about fresh starts and clean slates, it’s all bullshit! Here I am feeling guilty about Genevieve, and he’s been-”
“You don’t know that,” Danni cuts in softly.
“Doesn’t matter,” Jared retorts with a bitter scowl. “He broke his vows, Danni. He left me behind, made me believe that he was gone, and it nearly killed me, you know that.”
“I do,” she says.
Jared shakes his head and swallows down the last of his cold coffee before he gets up, looking drained and weary. “I haven’t got time to think about this now; we’ve got paperwork to fill out about our dead rapist and his suicidal murderer.”
Danneel turns her head to watch him leave, “At the time, if he’d asked-?” she starts but she doesn’t need to say anymore.
Jared freezes but slowly he turns back to her, frowns, and then shakes his head. “No, probably not,” he smiles faintly, and it makes Danneel’s heart stop for a moment, all of the cracks in his facade displayed in that single expression, “then again, I’m sure he knew that already.”
Danneel sighs and throws some bills on the bar then follows her partner back to the station. New York isn’t gonna slow down just ‘cause they’ve got some personal drama going on after all.
Tracking down her best friend seems to be the easiest thing to do when you’re a detective with the know-how and deductive reasoning to get the answers you want. It also helps the process if the person being sought is actually alive. Danneel is the kind of girl that simply thinks of something she wants to get done and sets out to do whatever it took to reach her goal. When goals include best friends, there is no way she is going to stop until she gets what she wants. There are a lot of people, even her partner, that would say she is too hardheaded for her own good. Be that as it may, it’s what makes her so damned good at her job and there’s no one on this earth that can argue with her about that.
That’s what makes it so damned easy to walk into Captain Meloni’s office and ask if he has any clue as to where Jensen is staying while he is here. The good part is that she doesn’t have to demand the information, because Meloni is more than willing to share Jensen’s current address. The older man has been more than aware of her close friendship with Jensen. It’s not like it was a secret that they were a lot tighter even than she and Jared. It’s not something she likes to admit, because now she considers herself closer than ever to Jared. There’s no counting all the times she’s put her life on the line for that man in the eight years they’ve been partners, but she grew up with Jensen. The blonde man was the first boy she ever had a crush on. He was the guy that pushed her to be a cop and has cheered her on ever since. It didn’t mean she wouldn’t be there for Jared. It just meant that she had an obligation to be there for Jensen, too.
It’s the rules of friendship.
After climbing the four flights of stairs to get to room 4060, she finds it utterly lucky as she gets a glimpse at a nicely dressed man packed suitcase in his hand that she recognized from the precinct. With a bounce in her step and a smug smile, she walks right up to the man to cut him off from his destination. Whatever is going on, Danneel is going to find out what and put a stop to it. There is no way his best friend is leaving again. Jensen will have to walk over her lifeless body before he flees New York, and she is a tough girl to knock down.
“Now don’t tell me. You’ve had an insurance emergency, and they need you right away?” The sound of her voice seems to send Jensen’s footsteps to a halt as they meet right in the middle of the hotel hallway.
The other man just rolls his eyes, completely uninterested in Danneel’s remark, before he starts to resume his stride to the nearest exit. “I don’t have time for anything you have to say to me. Trust me; everybody else has said enough to me to last a lifetime.”
All that does is make the red head more furious than she was to begin with. Within an instant she steps to the side to block him and quickly moves to the other side to block him again when he changes direction. It causes Jensen to get frustrated with her, but it brings satisfaction when he finally stops trying to walk away. She wasn’t lying when she said she was hardheaded.
“What do you want, Danneel?” His tone is even and shows no signs of the irritation his expression shows. There was the proof that this was in fact Jensen Ackles.
“Is that all I get after all that we’ve been through?”
Jensen rubs his head before shaking it in distress, “You know I really would like to get on with my life and avoid all the ‘How could you do what you did, Jensen?’ lectures. I don’t think I can handle one more person telling me I’m heartless for what I did.”
Danneel clenches her fists tight and gets her bearings before she stares the man in the eye with the most fearsome look she’s ever given him.
“You listen to me, Ackles because I swear if I have to ever repeat this again, I will make sure you’re toothless,” she threatens. “I’m here as your best friend. I’m here, because I care. I may not agree with what you did, and I may not be pleasant right now, but I am your best friend. And God damn it if you leave without so much as a word-” She has to stop talking in order to hold in the sob she wants to let out so badly. If there is anyone in the world that can make her cry besides the dead, it’s Jensen. She wouldn’t dare admit it to anyone else but she’s able to admit it to herself. That’s what truly mattered the most.
“Why is it so important that I stay?” He yells out, looking on the verge of sobbing too. “I have nowhere to live, and no one to count on! I have a job to go back to but I’m not even sure I want to go back to that.”
That makes her shove at him with so much force in order to make him understand. “Haven’t you been listening? You have me!”
The look that her best friend gives her is something that she can’t explain, but it makes her let a couple of tears slide down her cheeks.
“You’d be willing to deal with me? Even after all this crap?”
She answers his question by hugging him in a tight embrace. “What do you think?” Then her eyes glide over his appearance one more time, taking in all the changes since he used to live here, like the eye and hair color. “First things first, let’s get you back to your original look, because brown hair and blue eyes don’t suit you at all.”
--
Jensen gasps in surprise when he walks into the office and is greeted with a hug from out of nowhere. He’d talked to Meloni about setting up a meeting with his former boss to discuss getting his old job back, and he has been wracked with nerves all week. Of course this was after he had decided to stay in New York after all, with the help of his best friend, who also happened to help him fix his living situation. After all he’s been through, he didn’t expect to be surprised hugged by District Attorney Jason Bateman.
When he’s finally released from the older man’s tight embrace he’s able to take in the man’s happy grin on his face.
“Jensen, it is an honor to have you back.”
“Well I’m glad to be back, sir. I was promised that my old job would be up for grabs.”
“I can’t think of anyone else that can do a much better job than Katie.”
It makes his heart swell that, despite Jared’s rejection, he still has friends and his job. It might not cover everything, but it’s a start.
--
The only hard part of coming back to his cushy job as a district attorney, besides having to work so closely with Detective Padalecki, is having Katie Cassidy transferred out. The girl has been the secret weapon this department needs, and it doesn’t surprise him one bit how good she is. After all she did learn all her most promising tricks from Jensen.
The reality that he was taking Katie away from a place she could really blossom does make him skeptical about taking his job back, but the fact of the matter is that Katie is brilliant enough to excel anywhere.
The worst of it, at least to Jensen, is that Katie was more than willing, actually demanding, to step down for him. He doesn’t feel too good about all his friends openly doing favors for him, especially after the disappearing act that’s caused one of his most important relationships to crumble.
Weather he likes it or not, he has to have some part of his old life back, and since being with Jared is out of the question, he has to settle for being ADA Jensen Ackles once again. If not then he will have to accept failure and return to the easy going routine Jacob Barnes had.
--
When Alexis walks into his office, he takes in the fact that she’s neither upset or surprised to see Jensen here. It might be possible that the situation was explained to her, or maybe she was smart enough to piece it together. Either way it freaks Jensen the fuck out, because no matter how quiet he was, he was always so transparent to her.
Alexis breaks his thoughts with a small giggle, real laughter, and a smile. He’s jealous in a way, because he couldn’t even look at his husband after his almost attack, let alone crack a smile and laugh. Yet his friend from Seattle does it so naturally, it’s like maybe she’s come to terms with something.
“You were always too critical for an insurance agent,” she informs him, blue eyes gleaming. “Jacob Barnes seemed out of his element and nothing close to a mundane PEMCO worker. There was always something more to you.”
Jensen looks up and sees her face. It’s full of understanding, love, and affection that he didn’t really expect from all of this.
“I didn’t really feel like I fit in there,” he admits, running a hand through his hair.
“Nope, you didn’t,” she agrees. “You, my friend, were destined for better things.”
Jensen lowers his head when he finally decides to get the question he’s been meaning to ask her. “Did Jared tell you what-“
Alexis immediately cuts him off, eyes going soft and glassy. “Every detail and I’m sorry.”
“For what?” If anybody was sorry it was him. Alexis had nothing to apologize for. If it wasn’t for him, Alexis wouldn’t have even been involved.
“For what you’re going through.” She offers him a hand, and he grasps it in hers tightly.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he assures her, “this was my fault, my mess. Not yours. You did nothing wrong.”
She smiles, “At least the newspaper collection makes sense now. Tell me about him, Jared. I’ve got some time to kill before I head back home.”
So Jensen starts from the beginning, and it takes nearly two hours to explain the love story of Jared and Jensen.
--
When there’s a case, Detective Padalecki is usually paying attention with his hand up, asking the questions. Where there is nothing to do he finds something to work on. however, ever since the Bomer trail he’s been on a bus that’s going in the wrong direction.
Nowadays all he can think about is every aspect of his past, and since he realizes that his deceased lover in’t really dead, the memories have been released automatically. For so long he has suppressed every memory he ever shared with Jensen, he has buried them so deeply they’ve hidden in his subconscious dreams.
Before, it was easy to have a nightmare once in a while without alerting his girlfriend but since Jensen’s return, the dreams and memories flash at all times of day, not giving him a moment’s rest without driving him nuts.
After the short trial of Bomer’s case Jared had told Genevieve that she’d have to go alone to visit her family up in Rome.
When he broke it to her, she looked more than a little disappointed, just as he’d suspected she would be. Genevieve had tried every ploy to get him to go with her, until he had finally caved. It was her slinky black lingerie that didn’t really cover all her private areas that had probably persuaded him.
“If you change your mind again,” her head leaned in close, while her lips made an obscene popping noise at the word, “You just might get lucky, detective. I’m talking better than winning the lottery lucky.”
Of course at that point he didn’t even have his ex-lover on his brain - he was too busy pleasuring the downstairs one to even remember his name.
That had been his one absolute problem in all of this - Genevieve Cortese. The girl was the woman his mama would have hand-picked for him to marry and have his babies with. In other words she was this ray of sunshine, who had made his life warmer after his husband’s death.
He found himself deeply in love with this independent photographer who found beauty in darkness. She had certainly found something in Jared. He was ready to commit and move on with her; he was going to have his house renovated and let her move in with him. He was ready to trade in the memories he and Jensen had built together in their five years of marriage for the new ones he would make with Genevieve. It seemed easier to paint over memories and create new ones, because Jared couldn’t find it in himself to sell the house. Then he agreed to visit her family for Thanksgiving and take her down to San Antonio to introduce her to his whole clan, which even surprised his mama when he brought it up. He’d even gone as far as taking off his wedding band. That had actually been the hardest step to carry out; it felt even worse to think about, but he felt ready. Somewhere deep in his heart he had a feeling he’d fallen too fast, but the same thing had happened before, only this relationship brought less heartache.
Then Jensen Ackles turned out to be alive and not six feet under like everyone assumed. His presence, just simply knowing he existed, brought in a rush of memories, and a distraction from work he didn’t exactly need.
A familiar clanking of dress shoes on freshly mopped tile, a walk he hadn’t noticed before but finds hard to ignore, now that his memories and the star of each one is back, interrupt Jared’s thoughts of anger and regret.
When Jared takes a quick glance he immediately regrets it, because his eyes can’t seem to look away. He swallows hard, choking down a gasp that he almost lets out just because he’s seen Jensen in all his ADA glory.
Jensen’s wearing a clean, crisp, blue suit with a white shirt and a matching striped blue tie that pulls the look together. His hair seems to be styled with very little product, and he’s not wearing glasses .
Jared takes a deep breath and wills away all his lust. He should feel nothing but contempt for the betrayal he’s had to endure for this man, but his mind won’t shut down the memoriesthat replay every two seconds.
He’s silently hoping this can’t possibly mean what he thinks it might mean. There is no way the DA’s office would just let Jensen waltz back in here and hand him his old job back. It doesn’t work that way. It can’t work that way. Then again, Jensen’s reputation had preceded him, and no one could beat his winning streak.
Then his worst fears come true, when he turns around to where Jensen’s heading to see the Captain already waiting for him at the door. His face doesn’t show any signs of shock or surprise, which leads to only one conclusion.
Jensen is going to be working with them again.
--
“It’s been a while,” Lauren’s voice startles Jared from the deep thoughts that he’s been getting lost in lately.
Due to his workload lately he hasn’t made it over for another session. After the last few times he saw her he’d thought that he might just be able to settle into something resembling happiness. Truth is if he really wanted to he would have made more of an effort to see her. The need to gush out emotions hasn’t come up until Jensen graced everyone with his presence. He feels guilty for being this way to Lauren, but he can’t really turn to Danneel no matter how close they are. She may be his partner, but Danneel was Jensen’s best friend first.
“I just needed someone to get this all out to.” He has no idea what to do with his hands and decides to let them rest in his lap. There are a million ways he can approach this, but Jared is really good at getting to the point. “I’m sure you’ve heard about what happened with Jensen.”
She just nods her head with no trace of surprise on her face, “I had a feeling this might have something to do with that.”
Lauren takes her seat across from Jared like she does in every session. This time he is well aware of how she analyzes him, taking in little observations to jot down for her notes. If anything he finds it unnecessary to be scrutinized and judged by another. It’s why he hates shrinks so much, but he focuses on the reason he’s there.
“I’m not sure what to do about him.” Jared explains. “It’s like one second he’s this love that I thought had been eliminated from my life, and then it turns out I was wrong about that the whole time.”
Lauren leans forward in her seat with eyes full of something he doesn’t recognize. “What is it that you’re feeling, exactly?”
Jared scoffs, “And that’s the part I can’t even figure out. I should be going to Rome for Thanksgiving with Genevieve, and then back down to San Antonio, so she can meet my family. The thing is I can’t stop thinking about how he betrayed me, and how much it matters that I’ve been cheating on him with this girl he doesn’t even know. There’s a never ending parade of guilt that’s fallen on me, and for some reason I can’t get it to stop.”
She simply cocks her head to the side, “Does she know Jensen’s alive?”
The question makes his eyes go wide, because the thought hadn’t really crossed his mind. Not with spectacular clarity. “She left before any of it hit the media.”
“What if Jensen finds out about her?” The question seems to spur from curiosity, or possibly the type of set up Lauren always attacks him with; he’s not so sure right now. “Despite everything that went on between you two, how would you respond to it?”
Jared looks down with the answer evident in his face. “Like I made the biggest mistake in the world.”
Her eyes shine with her smug smile, “Then I think it’s pretty clear how you still feel about Jensen. You said it yourself, she’s with her family, and you’re still here where Jensen is.”
And he still has to work with him.