Love in the Asylum
The Aftermath of the Fair
I ran to Alice.
Just when I was about to try to wake h.er, her mother screamed at me.
"Get away from her," she screeched, with anger, "This is all your fault."
I wanted to tell her to back off but I was raised to respect my elders. Instead I just looked her in the eyes and spoke.
"What exactly did I do?"
"Everything." She gave me a glare so intense I stood up and took a step back.
"My daughter is already confused and you're just making her worse."
"Look lady I didn't do anything-"
She quickly cut me off. "No, you did everything"
I raised an eyebrow. "Care to elaborate on what is everything?" I question in a smart-aleck tone.
Her glare becomes even more intense before she rolled her eyes and sighed. "Just go away."
Just as I'm about to do as she said she opened her mouth. "Stay away from her. You'll just hurt her in the end. You may not realize it but even now you're just setting her up for inevitable heartbreak. Why not break things off before it gets to deep."
Stay away from her.
Easier said then done. I couldn't resist her just like she couldn't resist me. We were like magnets, our attraction was undeniable.
You'll just hurt her in the end.
No shit, I had hurt a lot of people- it was my thing. And it wasn't like she hadn't hurt me before. She said some hurtful things although I have said worse. But it was only because I wanted her to feel the pain that I felt. I don't want to but I couldn't help it. Whether it was accidently or intentionally I always ended up causing her pain even if she didn't know it.
You may not realize it but even now you're just setting her up for inevitable heartbreak.
As if I didn't know that. She wasn't the only one, my own heart broke a little each time I walked away from her. Partly because I was turning my back on her and partly because she wanted me to. Sometimes I couldn't help but think that she was protecting herself from me.
Why not break things off before it gets too deep.
Too late for that, I was already in love with her, I had been since the moment I met her. And from the way she kissed me back she was probably in love with me as well; at least part of me is hoping that she was while the other part hopes that she wasn't.
I couldn't get Alice's mother's words out of my mind and I couldn't stop myself from mentally talking back to her. After two hours of this I wanted it to stop. Add that with weak willpower, a former addict and the offer of ecstasy and what you get is me restricted to the ward for two weeks. Soon after I left Alice and her mother I met up with Lauren and she offered me some X that she got from god knows where.
Due to the ban on sunglasses a drug attendant noticed out pupils immediately. We were locked in a bus where Lauren groped me and once again offered oral pleasure while the rest of the addicts were rounded up. Even high I didn't find the girl appealing. I tried to switch seats with the other addicts but because I was partly to blame for the day being cut short no one would save me from the hell that is Lauren. When we got back to the hospital I was taken into the isolation room, where I was interrogated, first by the nurses, then by the resident, and finally by my own counsellor, Oscar.
None of them got very far, as I was feeling benevolent and had taken it upon myself to compliment them on their fine work. Eventually they left me alone, and my mood plummeted exponentially. If you're locked in a padded room where the lights never go out and the only distraction is to try to count the number of tiles on the floor, Ecstasy can only take you so far. By midnight the last of the serotonin overdose had slithered away, leaving me with the residue of a headache and an intense, crippling misery.
My head hung down, heavy with remorse I thought of how I probably resembled the willow tree that Alice sat beneath. I was tall and mighty yet slowly reaching for the ground. I wondered for the first time if Alice was alright. Then I became aware if how I hadn't thought about her. Soon after I became sick as if admitting that it was the first time made me nauseous with guilt. Her mother was right I was going to inevitable hurt her and the longer I held the pain off the worse it would be when it finally happened. By the time they let me out in the morning, after an extended session of stomach-cramping tears and vomiting, I was rallying a bit.
Drug use was prohibited and led to an early release so I was planning in detail what I was going to do when I got out. I'd been here for almost four weeks already that was plenty of time to get the physical crutch out of the way. Now I was free to indulge in a pleasurable but controlled manner. I would keep track this time- meter out my hits, vary my substances so that I wouldn't get addicted again. I would return to recreational drug use- rewarding and much less dangerous than a professional commitment. I could go about it two ways- find someone that was willing to support me financially or use my trust fund. In the end I chose the latter- I was tired of hurting people.
I could easily convince Edward that I was cured and he would release my trust fund. I'm sure I could have tried to do it before but I was never one to spend my own money and I doubt my brother would have gave it to me, he probably thought I would've spent it all I drugs, hell I probably would have. But that was before I went to rehab, I wouldn't spend it all on drugs only some- there's nothing like being institutionalized to add a new perspective to moderation. If I wanted to use drugs at all, I was going to have to do it reasonably and without abandon. Of course, if it didn't work, I'd have to seriously consider quitting.
Unfortunately for me I didn't get kicked out of the program. Apparently there was never a promise of getting kicked out for drug use it was only a possibility. My counsellor Oscar thought that my episode was a pivotal point in my recovery. I tried to argue that I was self-committed and could just leave if I wanted to, but he had to bring up Edward and how my brother has been to co dependence meeting and that I would have a hard time getting any cash out of him. Before he even finished talking I knew I had lost. If I left now there was no way I would get my trust fund so I could just kiss my plans of recreational drug use goodbye.
I was restricted to the ward for two weeks. According to my freshly photocopied guidelines this meant no fieldtrips, no visitors and no leaving my sterile hallways except for meals. It also meant no Alice and no Edward, for this I was grateful. No Edward meant I wouldn't have to put up with his disapproving stares.
And no Alice meant that I could put off breaking her heart while preparing her for it at the same time, I have to admit it was selfish of me after all it was for more my sake then for hers. I knew woman and I knew that everyday that I didn't show up on the lawn would make her hate me a little more, until she was wincing rather then tingling at the memory of our kiss. That way it would be easier for me to break things off. Of course there was the possibility that Alice was cringing from the beginning. After all she did faint moments after we kissed. Her mother could have told her something that made her realize just how wrong for her I was. Her mother could have been preparing me for my own heartbreak.
.
.
.
Jasper's POV
Finally after two weeks of restriction I was reunited with Alice. She was sitting under the willow tree, looking in my direction as though she was looking for me. When out eyes met she gave me a small smile. I walked towards her quickly while trying to not seem desperate. I sat down and waited for her to say something.
"I missed you" she admitted.
I raised an eyebrow. "Really?" I questioned. "Did you miss me or did you miss having someone to argue with?"
She shrugged. "A little bit of both, I guess."
I nudged her elbow. "I missed you too."
There were a few moments of silence before I spoke again.
"So how have you been?"
"Fine"
"Just fine?" I asked. "The last time I saw you, you fainted."
"I was just a little shocked that's all…I'm sorry if I scared you."
"What makes you think I was scared?"
"Because I know you Jasper."
For a second I almost believed her.
"You don't know me, you know nothing."
"I know enough. I know that you have a bother that you pretend to hate but you actually admire him. I know that you're a fighter but at the same time you can quickly give everything up and walk away."
I grabbed Alice's hand. "I don't want to argue with you so for both our sake's I'm just going to give up."
"I'm leaving tomorrow," Alice said suddenly.
"What are you going to do about your son?"
She shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm moving in with my mom, I scared her the other day and she's convinced that I need her guidance and that is by letting me be with my son so I'm going to live with her. Maybe you can come and visit,"
I shook my head, "sorry but no."
Alice pulled her hand out of my grasp. "Tell me you're joking."
"I'm not. I'll just make things worse, you were right."
"About what?"
"The day we first met you said that I was a junkie, you were right. I am that's all I am. I just a guy who a junkie."
"No you're not."
"Don't lie. I can't stop. Rehab isn't helping."
"What are you talking about?"
I took a deep breathe. "I was restricted to the ward for the last two weeks. I know you were wondering why I've been gone and now you know. I took ecstasy at the fair and an attendant found out."
I waited for Alice to tell me how disappointed with me, to show me sympathy. Then I realized that by thinking that I really didn't know her. Finally, after what seemed like forever but was only a few seconds, she spoke.
"You're an asshole Jasper, did you know that?"
I nodded. "So I've been told."
"I already heard about you and Lauren ruining the fair for everyone but I chose not to say anything. I figured that you would have had enough resentment and pity but obviously you hadn't. I just don't get you. First you give up the chance to argue with me when you know that that's out thing. And now you tell me that you did something that I am against. Are you trying to get me to hate you because it's working?"
"You want me to argue with you?" I questioned. "Okay how about this, why you want your son so bad? And don't tell me it's because you're his mother. I want a real reason to why you want him to grow up to be like you."
"That's better then him growing up to be a junkie like his father."
My face must have shown my confusion because Alice whispered, "figure it out."
Then got up and left. I watched as she walked away and wondered if she was walking out of my life for good.
I ran to Alice.
Just when I was about to try to wake h.er, her mother screamed at me.
"Get away from her," she screeched, with anger, "This is all your fault."
I wanted to tell her to back off but I was raised to respect my elders. Instead I just looked her in the eyes and spoke.
"What exactly did I do?"
"Everything." She gave me a glare so intense I stood up and took a step back.
"My daughter is already confused and you're just making her worse."
"Look lady I didn't do anything-"
She quickly cut me off. "No, you did everything"
I raised an eyebrow. "Care to elaborate on what is everything?" I question in a smart-aleck tone.
Her glare becomes even more intense before she rolled her eyes and sighed. "Just go away."
Just as I'm about to do as she said she opened her mouth. "Stay away from her. You'll just hurt her in the end. You may not realize it but even now you're just setting her up for inevitable heartbreak. Why not break things off before it gets to deep."
Stay away from her.
Easier said then done. I couldn't resist her just like she couldn't resist me. We were like magnets, our attraction was undeniable.
You'll just hurt her in the end.
No shit, I had hurt a lot of people- it was my thing. And it wasn't like she hadn't hurt me before. She said some hurtful things although I have said worse. But it was only because I wanted her to feel the pain that I felt. I don't want to but I couldn't help it. Whether it was accidently or intentionally I always ended up causing her pain even if she didn't know it.
You may not realize it but even now you're just setting her up for inevitable heartbreak.
As if I didn't know that. She wasn't the only one, my own heart broke a little each time I walked away from her. Partly because I was turning my back on her and partly because she wanted me to. Sometimes I couldn't help but think that she was protecting herself from me.
Why not break things off before it gets too deep.
Too late for that, I was already in love with her, I had been since the moment I met her. And from the way she kissed me back she was probably in love with me as well; at least part of me is hoping that she was while the other part hopes that she wasn't.
I couldn't get Alice's mother's words out of my mind and I couldn't stop myself from mentally talking back to her. After two hours of this I wanted it to stop. Add that with weak willpower, a former addict and the offer of ecstasy and what you get is me restricted to the ward for two weeks. Soon after I left Alice and her mother I met up with Lauren and she offered me some X that she got from god knows where.
Due to the ban on sunglasses a drug attendant noticed out pupils immediately. We were locked in a bus where Lauren groped me and once again offered oral pleasure while the rest of the addicts were rounded up. Even high I didn't find the girl appealing. I tried to switch seats with the other addicts but because I was partly to blame for the day being cut short no one would save me from the hell that is Lauren. When we got back to the hospital I was taken into the isolation room, where I was interrogated, first by the nurses, then by the resident, and finally by my own counsellor, Oscar.
None of them got very far, as I was feeling benevolent and had taken it upon myself to compliment them on their fine work. Eventually they left me alone, and my mood plummeted exponentially. If you're locked in a padded room where the lights never go out and the only distraction is to try to count the number of tiles on the floor, Ecstasy can only take you so far. By midnight the last of the serotonin overdose had slithered away, leaving me with the residue of a headache and an intense, crippling misery.
My head hung down, heavy with remorse I thought of how I probably resembled the willow tree that Alice sat beneath. I was tall and mighty yet slowly reaching for the ground. I wondered for the first time if Alice was alright. Then I became aware if how I hadn't thought about her. Soon after I became sick as if admitting that it was the first time made me nauseous with guilt. Her mother was right I was going to inevitable hurt her and the longer I held the pain off the worse it would be when it finally happened. By the time they let me out in the morning, after an extended session of stomach-cramping tears and vomiting, I was rallying a bit.
Drug use was prohibited and led to an early release so I was planning in detail what I was going to do when I got out. I'd been here for almost four weeks already that was plenty of time to get the physical crutch out of the way. Now I was free to indulge in a pleasurable but controlled manner. I would keep track this time- meter out my hits, vary my substances so that I wouldn't get addicted again. I would return to recreational drug use- rewarding and much less dangerous than a professional commitment. I could go about it two ways- find someone that was willing to support me financially or use my trust fund. In the end I chose the latter- I was tired of hurting people.
I could easily convince Edward that I was cured and he would release my trust fund. I'm sure I could have tried to do it before but I was never one to spend my own money and I doubt my brother would have gave it to me, he probably thought I would've spent it all I drugs, hell I probably would have. But that was before I went to rehab, I wouldn't spend it all on drugs only some- there's nothing like being institutionalized to add a new perspective to moderation. If I wanted to use drugs at all, I was going to have to do it reasonably and without abandon. Of course, if it didn't work, I'd have to seriously consider quitting.
Unfortunately for me I didn't get kicked out of the program. Apparently there was never a promise of getting kicked out for drug use it was only a possibility. My counsellor Oscar thought that my episode was a pivotal point in my recovery. I tried to argue that I was self-committed and could just leave if I wanted to, but he had to bring up Edward and how my brother has been to co dependence meeting and that I would have a hard time getting any cash out of him. Before he even finished talking I knew I had lost. If I left now there was no way I would get my trust fund so I could just kiss my plans of recreational drug use goodbye.
I was restricted to the ward for two weeks. According to my freshly photocopied guidelines this meant no fieldtrips, no visitors and no leaving my sterile hallways except for meals. It also meant no Alice and no Edward, for this I was grateful. No Edward meant I wouldn't have to put up with his disapproving stares.
And no Alice meant that I could put off breaking her heart while preparing her for it at the same time, I have to admit it was selfish of me after all it was for more my sake then for hers. I knew woman and I knew that everyday that I didn't show up on the lawn would make her hate me a little more, until she was wincing rather then tingling at the memory of our kiss. That way it would be easier for me to break things off. Of course there was the possibility that Alice was cringing from the beginning. After all she did faint moments after we kissed. Her mother could have told her something that made her realize just how wrong for her I was. Her mother could have been preparing me for my own heartbreak.
.
.
.
Jasper's POV
Finally after two weeks of restriction I was reunited with Alice. She was sitting under the willow tree, looking in my direction as though she was looking for me. When out eyes met she gave me a small smile. I walked towards her quickly while trying to not seem desperate. I sat down and waited for her to say something.
"I missed you" she admitted.
I raised an eyebrow. "Really?" I questioned. "Did you miss me or did you miss having someone to argue with?"
She shrugged. "A little bit of both, I guess."
I nudged her elbow. "I missed you too."
There were a few moments of silence before I spoke again.
"So how have you been?"
"Fine"
"Just fine?" I asked. "The last time I saw you, you fainted."
"I was just a little shocked that's all…I'm sorry if I scared you."
"What makes you think I was scared?"
"Because I know you Jasper."
For a second I almost believed her.
"You don't know me, you know nothing."
"I know enough. I know that you have a bother that you pretend to hate but you actually admire him. I know that you're a fighter but at the same time you can quickly give everything up and walk away."
I grabbed Alice's hand. "I don't want to argue with you so for both our sake's I'm just going to give up."
"I'm leaving tomorrow," Alice said suddenly.
"What are you going to do about your son?"
She shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm moving in with my mom, I scared her the other day and she's convinced that I need her guidance and that is by letting me be with my son so I'm going to live with her. Maybe you can come and visit,"
I shook my head, "sorry but no."
Alice pulled her hand out of my grasp. "Tell me you're joking."
"I'm not. I'll just make things worse, you were right."
"About what?"
"The day we first met you said that I was a junkie, you were right. I am that's all I am. I just a guy who a junkie."
"No you're not."
"Don't lie. I can't stop. Rehab isn't helping."
"What are you talking about?"
I took a deep breathe. "I was restricted to the ward for the last two weeks. I know you were wondering why I've been gone and now you know. I took ecstasy at the fair and an attendant found out."
I waited for Alice to tell me how disappointed with me, to show me sympathy. Then I realized that by thinking that I really didn't know her. Finally, after what seemed like forever but was only a few seconds, she spoke.
"You're an asshole Jasper, did you know that?"
I nodded. "So I've been told."
"I already heard about you and Lauren ruining the fair for everyone but I chose not to say anything. I figured that you would have had enough resentment and pity but obviously you hadn't. I just don't get you. First you give up the chance to argue with me when you know that that's out thing. And now you tell me that you did something that I am against. Are you trying to get me to hate you because it's working?"
"You want me to argue with you?" I questioned. "Okay how about this, why you want your son so bad? And don't tell me it's because you're his mother. I want a real reason to why you want him to grow up to be like you."
"That's better then him growing up to be a junkie like his father."
My face must have shown my confusion because Alice whispered, "figure it out."
Then got up and left. I watched as she walked away and wondered if she was walking out of my life for good.