I really love it when // I love it when we make mistakes
I'm on the verge of inconsolable.
I hung out with Miles today for the last time before he goes to college. He's not coming back until either Thanksgiving and/or sometime in October at the earliest.
I really wanted to, you know, hug him or something. But it just---well, it seemed kind of weird. Miles and I have always had to fight that weird......tension that seems to rear its ugly head any time we get too close, or get into too deep of a conversation. I've always wondered if it's a) that, "men and women can't be friends" rule, or b)some underlying attraction that we both refuse to acknowledge.
Sometimes I do wonder if I have an attraction to him. Like, before we hang out, I subconsciously dress "better" than when I just go out with, say, Rachel or Beth or Christina.
I know I shouldn't flirt with him. It's one of those "girl rules." You don't screw around with your friend's ex-boyfriend. I know it's wrong. So I fight it. But...I kind of don't want to.
And I feel like, now that he's going to school and I won't be seeing him like, at all, I missed this really, incredible, once in a lifetime opportunity to, for once, be with a really great guy who's never once wronged me and even takes my side over some of his better friends'.
Now I want to call him and tell him that I'm going to miss him (again) and say that I need to see him one more time, but to do what? I kept imagining in the car that I was going to do something stupid like kiss him (the day before his 6-month anniversary with Eve). So I felt like a hug would just be too tempting or something.
He promised to call as soon as he gets to school and after his classes and stuff, so I know I'll be talking to him. But what I really liked about Miles was his interest in my life, and just hanging out with him at the Fleetwood. I was so amazed at how much he cared about my "frelationship" with Nick (friendship/relationship thingy) more than any of my "best friends" and how he would jokingly (?) flirt with me when he knew I felt insecure.
Who will I go to that diner with now that he's gone? Who's going to tell me about funny things they've done in Canada with the douchebag? Who am I going to watch climb buildings while we wander around downtown? Who's going to smoke all of my cigarettes and come within a hair's breadth of overdosing on coffee with me?
Now I just keep looking at this lighter that he got me, and I can't help thinking that he must've cared a little more than I initially thought.
I just....miss him too much.
I'm within about 1,000 words of finishing the new FAWY chapter (Caring is Creepy). I'll even be so kind as to give a taste....
Early spring was brutally unkind in Connecticut. Brash. Chilly. Windy as hell. Unforgiving.
Maybe it was just what he needed; something that wouldn’t let him just…forget. He needed a constant reminder. When the wind whipped at him from behind, it was the surprise of seeing her again (although he had known it would happen all along). When he turned on his heel, it was the kiss-Oh god the kiss. Sweet, soft, gentle. Oh so reminiscent of Saturday afternoons in 2003. Pink lips colliding with his thin and crooked ones, her hand laid so gently on his chest.
It's rough, but it's what I've got. Just a little, kind of non-spoiler I guess. Almost done. Hopefully up by Friday.
All right, everything is rambly or spoiler-related, so this post really meant nothing. But I really needed to vent.