Spring Break 2005
my car, my father and my sister BUT NOT ME, are in florida, and I am in frigid michigan. I'm jealous like no other. But hey, eating real food and having a tv all to myself...will be a wonderful vacation from the dorms! :-D
we were just young and restless and bored'>
"...but neither one cared, we were gettin our share"
I want so badly for him to say "I'm sorry" and mean it, but then again, theres nothing for him to be sorry about.He can't sorry away my mistakes and he can't sorry away who he is. I wouldn't want him to. Its not his responsibility to take care of me. I demand attention, using tears and my own pain to manipulate and he's learned to turn a cold shoulder to it. Still, I hate hiding the fact that we talk. Always lying about who i was on the phone with, and who i hung out with the other night. So much for a friendship; I repulse him so much that any public contact is out of the question. Any showing of my good qualities is also out of the question because I have to be everything about me that i hate, cuz it grabs his attention. I hate going to extremes and fighting with him; I don't want to annoy anyone, and I do. I'm so so sorry. What would it be like to have one, just one time where its not about hooking up with him, one time for it to be different, to try out something we never bothered looking for before? But I'm not worth that. I never was. I was just his stepping stone to better things. He lies his way through life and i can't even describe what good qualities i see, I must be making them up; no one else sees anything special about him. And even though he can be so cruel, I still want to see him smile and know he's happy. Even if it breaks my heart, even if it kills me when i see him with someone else. Even if it means me never talking to him again, cuz I know he'd be happier then. I wish I could rewind the last 6 months, back to icebreaker and never step onto that dance floor with him. Maybe he'd be happy then, maybe I would be too. I hate losing control. How can something feel so right to me and so wrong to him? And I don't even know why I want him to be happy. I dislike him so much. All the lies, all the annoyances, all the shit i've taken, all the times he hurt me, every moment he made me think he cared when he didn't, I should hate him. I want to, need to, but I don't. If only i didn't feel safe wrapped up in his arms, if his eyes couldn't see through my fakeness, if his voice didn't make me smile. i wish he didn't know the things to say to calm me down, I wish the last time i kissed him didn't run thru my mind over and over again cuz it felt so right, I wish i didn't care what the fuck he did with himself. Why do I? Nothing will ever fix what went wrong, I can't bring back the past. Don't want to. I'm over that. I lied to him the other day, The first real lie in a long time. And I've lied since. But it was for the best, cuz i'm not selling myself short this time. I can't. I won't. I refuse.
I wish i could talk to you but it always ends up with me hearing the dial tone. I'd like it to be different one time, but then i'd miss the only thing we ever had. So much. I can't lie and say it wasn't fun. But now that it's most likely over, theres nothing more you could possibly want me for. You never got to know the girl i'm trying to be again. Maybe you saw her a tiny bit at the playground in royal oak; I think i actually laughed a little on the swings, but it was such a brief moment, almost unnoticable.. I'm sorry, this is getting so old. All you ever hear is "I want...I need...Please..." I make so much out of nothing, dramatizing everything, cornering people till they run away. Why'd I even try to be friends? I trusted you with so much, theres so much you could break me with, I'm scared you will. I was so scared that night, still am I guess, and you just happened to be the one person I couldn't disappoint anymore, the one person whose anger would make me realize my own stupidity. *sigh* I just need to leave and let you be. I promised I would. To you I'll always be the girl i dislike the most, the one who can't laugh, who always needs just one more thing, the one who is so clingy and weak, and thats just how it goes. I miss you. Sucks for me. I imagine I should feel stronger now...I don't.
party was interesting. I was naughty, but it was worth it. Oh the joys of being single :-D
we were just young and restless and bored'>
"...but neither one cared, we were gettin our share"
I want so badly for him to say "I'm sorry" and mean it, but then again, theres nothing for him to be sorry about.He can't sorry away my mistakes and he can't sorry away who he is. I wouldn't want him to. Its not his responsibility to take care of me. I demand attention, using tears and my own pain to manipulate and he's learned to turn a cold shoulder to it. Still, I hate hiding the fact that we talk. Always lying about who i was on the phone with, and who i hung out with the other night. So much for a friendship; I repulse him so much that any public contact is out of the question. Any showing of my good qualities is also out of the question because I have to be everything about me that i hate, cuz it grabs his attention. I hate going to extremes and fighting with him; I don't want to annoy anyone, and I do. I'm so so sorry. What would it be like to have one, just one time where its not about hooking up with him, one time for it to be different, to try out something we never bothered looking for before? But I'm not worth that. I never was. I was just his stepping stone to better things. He lies his way through life and i can't even describe what good qualities i see, I must be making them up; no one else sees anything special about him. And even though he can be so cruel, I still want to see him smile and know he's happy. Even if it breaks my heart, even if it kills me when i see him with someone else. Even if it means me never talking to him again, cuz I know he'd be happier then. I wish I could rewind the last 6 months, back to icebreaker and never step onto that dance floor with him. Maybe he'd be happy then, maybe I would be too. I hate losing control. How can something feel so right to me and so wrong to him? And I don't even know why I want him to be happy. I dislike him so much. All the lies, all the annoyances, all the shit i've taken, all the times he hurt me, every moment he made me think he cared when he didn't, I should hate him. I want to, need to, but I don't. If only i didn't feel safe wrapped up in his arms, if his eyes couldn't see through my fakeness, if his voice didn't make me smile. i wish he didn't know the things to say to calm me down, I wish the last time i kissed him didn't run thru my mind over and over again cuz it felt so right, I wish i didn't care what the fuck he did with himself. Why do I? Nothing will ever fix what went wrong, I can't bring back the past. Don't want to. I'm over that. I lied to him the other day, The first real lie in a long time. And I've lied since. But it was for the best, cuz i'm not selling myself short this time. I can't. I won't. I refuse.
I wish i could talk to you but it always ends up with me hearing the dial tone. I'd like it to be different one time, but then i'd miss the only thing we ever had. So much. I can't lie and say it wasn't fun. But now that it's most likely over, theres nothing more you could possibly want me for. You never got to know the girl i'm trying to be again. Maybe you saw her a tiny bit at the playground in royal oak; I think i actually laughed a little on the swings, but it was such a brief moment, almost unnoticable.. I'm sorry, this is getting so old. All you ever hear is "I want...I need...Please..." I make so much out of nothing, dramatizing everything, cornering people till they run away. Why'd I even try to be friends? I trusted you with so much, theres so much you could break me with, I'm scared you will. I was so scared that night, still am I guess, and you just happened to be the one person I couldn't disappoint anymore, the one person whose anger would make me realize my own stupidity. *sigh* I just need to leave and let you be. I promised I would. To you I'll always be the girl i dislike the most, the one who can't laugh, who always needs just one more thing, the one who is so clingy and weak, and thats just how it goes. I miss you. Sucks for me. I imagine I should feel stronger now...I don't.
party was interesting. I was naughty, but it was worth it. Oh the joys of being single :-D