(no subject)
"love like you have never been hurt before"
eh. life is has been quite a ride these last eight months. and i have yet to know what the next two months of school has for me.
i want to change. i am changing...and have changed alot.
but with that change i want to find those pieces of myself that i have let go of this past year...
even though i got rid of many, and am a better person today...i still miss some of those things...traits, shall you.
i do not get alot of things in life. i just dont.
going to santee party tonight was classic. all the people that slowly dropped out of school within our four years was there...as well as some random kids who are fabulous such as my neighbor andrew nicholas.
it was really funny...it was so nice to see some familiar faces though...and catch up with some people.
going to school with 35,000 gets overwhelming and lonely at times.
its nice to have a check in i suppose.
when home, i have no desire to do the things i have been doing at school lately.
im not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing...
my mom met my brother and i for dinner last night in newport. i picked her up at the train station and took her back to my house because she had not seen my house since the day i moved in. noah and her both wanted to see eachother. so i called him to come down...and they talked and talked...and talked. and i observed...
my mom told me today that she knew...just by watching us and knowing the dynamics of our relationship that we are meant to be in eachothers lives. no definition as to what level we are meant to be on....but we were meant to meet....and to experience the things we have together...and are continuing to do...
do i want to date someone "new" right now? alot of people ask me.
absoutely not. i cant think of one thing that would make me more unhappy.
do i hate men? no. i dont.
do i like hearing songs i normally listened to for "face value", now actually mean and relate to things i am going through. no. i dont.
and i avoided all of that for 19 years. i now know what love is on that level. i know what it means to be in love with someone. i just am hoping the loss that i am reminded of in my heart and when i have to hold my tears from dropping from my eyes in class, at work, or simply driving, gets easier as every day goes by.
temporary, not permanent...i know everything will be okay between us. alot of people cant even tell the difference. but i can. for me normally it is all or nothing. black or white. i am now learning how to feel in-between.
there are three girls where i live that give me awful looks. i just learned their names about a three weeks ago. i try not to get down when they do this. but its hard. a year ago from today, if someone did that to me i would bend over backwards trying to get to know this person....or find out the reason why they did not like me. today, i am aware of it...but i do not allow it to destroy my whole day...and my whole being. but, it is awful. awful.
i miss the friends in high school that you did not see after school or on the weekends....just the ones around school or in class. i liked those friendships alot.
isn't it kind of weird to think its practically been a year since we graduated....
sometimes i think i am the only one who stays up thinking....or journals....or listens to every word of the song they are listening to...and how it relates to them and their life. or someone who cries listening to these songs.
i have not talked to many people lately. i could even say i have not talked to many people these past eight months...
i dont like that part of me. i have felt so down that i felt like i had nothing to offer as a friend. so, i didnt call and i avoided calls. im sorry.
i am a neverending thinker. i analyze everything. and take many, if not most things to heart. i have a hard time seperating a joke from truth. and have a hard time trusting people.
recently i have wondered if it will hurt more....the fact that i denied my father out of my life...when he dies.
if i resolved that...im sure things with lay out alot differently in my head. and i would have a much easier time with relationships with others.
i used to hate being alone. i could never just sit by myself for an hour. i always had to be doing something. committing myself to something or someone. now, i welcome the aloneness of myself. lately i feel like i have been the observer. i feel as if i have nothing charming or intelligent to bring to anyone....so i just listen. i have learned alot from that. about others as well as myself.
i want to be someone who teaches others through their own knowledge. not reciting facts from textbooks or presenting a degree in their field of intelligence...i want to travel and meet people...and learn from them.
ill make this private. just for some reason i wanted to post it.
i want to learn how to love myself. i know the amazing feeling of love. and what it is like to love others. and i want to know that for myself....