Chapter Nine: When the world comes crumbling down (I've got you to piece it back together again)

[lower_case_d]

The usual bar crowd had no problem with the temporary closure of the pub for Gawain's funeral. Merlin felt guilty putting a sign up that described the process and asked for any assistance necessary, but Will and Gwance insisted he do so because frequent bar attendees would want to know exactly what was going on and help as much as humanly possible.

Two days before the scheduled funeral Merlin received an anonymous letter asking that a collation be held. Hesitantly, Merlin decided to put aside a day to do so in the pub.

He found himself ushering a very hesitant Will into the pub on the day of the actual collation.

By mid morning more than two dozen people had approached Merlin with their comforting words and some gave him brief hugs. Merlin didn't recognize half of the people, decked out in flamboyant leotards and odd-coloured clothing. Merlin's own black suit and tie felt out of place among all the bright colored shirts, dresses, and jackets.

When Lance arrived, he was wearing a tye-dyed tank top and pink shoes. Gwen wore a more modest dark blue dress and stilettos.

"Why are you in black?" Lance asked in a tone that honestly conveyed confusion. "Gawain would have wanted us all in technicolor."

Merlin smiled sadly, "I don't want to wear colour today."

Freya came around from behind Lance in a tight mini skirt and pink shirt. From the other side, Arthur stepped out in a black, crisp suit. He looked only mildly surprised that no one else was wearing black until his gaze landed on Merlin. Arthur’s expression was the perfect mixture of sympathetic and reassuring. Merlin felt his throat constrict ever so slightly before he turned to Freya and pulled her into a tight embrace.

“Oh Merlin,” Freya whispered into his ear and wrapped her arms gently around his waist. Lancelot and Guinevere quickly joined into the hug, seamlessly holding Merlin in the centre.

Merlin caught Arthur’s eyes as he stood awkwardly to the side. Without a moment’s hesitation Merlin extended his hand. Arthur took a beat before stepping forward to clasp it and join in the group hug. The loud talking and occasional bout of sniffles suddenly disappeared and Merlin could only feel his friends holding him close as he desperately clung to them.

Merlin's attempt to calm himself worked only enough to have him not sobbing every time someone mentioned Gawain's name. He checked on the food, and went to start behind the bar. Gwance and Will were putting up a large blown up picture of Gawain behind the counter.

"You think you're up for saying a few words?" Will asked calmly from his position of spotter for the poster.

"I... honestly don't know," Merlin said, "I need to mix drinks for everyone and then I have to make sure the snacks don't run out and ensure that no one steals anything or tries to break into my den again, and-"

"I'll mix drinks," Arthur suddenly said from behind a rather flamboyant man wearing purple hair extensions.

Merlin took a deep breath, "I don't need help."

"You may not need it, but I'm trying to give it anyway," Arthur reassured. "I'm not a heavy hand or anything, you won't lose your hard earned money."

"That's not what he meant," Gwen reassured, having finished hanging the portrait. "He'll gladly take your help Arthur. You're wonderful to offer."

Merlin shot Gwen his best 'why would you put words into my mouth' look before sighing. "Alright. Just... don't botch anything. Don't break any glasses, and don't, whatever you do, use the two shot measure. We don't need a bunch of drunk transgenders groping each other tonight."

Arthur nodded, face stony serious, "anything else?"

"Don't take yourself too seriously," Lance said in his best mock Gawain voice. He patted Merlin on the shoulder. "Gwen and I have the food covered and Will can be the bodyguard to your safe room."

Merlin glanced hesitantly at his friends. Freya smiled and Gwen bit her bottom lip.

"What did I do to deserve you guys?" The smile that Merlin allowed to slip was met with nods and reassured 'you're wonderful Merlin' from everyone.

"Why don't you go talk to some of the guests?" Freya suggested.

Merlin nodded numbly. Freya latched herself onto his arm and guided him around the bar until they bumped into a relatively harmless looking midget who had just shown up.

"Merlin eh?" the short man asked, but didn't wait for a response. "Your cousin, fiesty fella that 'en. Idda never known the likes before."

Merlin wasn't sure how to respond, he was probably gaping by the time Freya finally took over and said politely, "thank you for your condolences."

They rushed away. Freya let out a hollow laugh, "I don't know whether or not that was amusing." Merlin put his hand over hers, still sitting gently on the crook of his elbow.

"I think that some of these people knew a side of Gawain I avoided at all costs." He spotted the drummer from Avalon across the room and steered Freya in her general direction.

"Merlin!" she said and flung herself into his arms. Freya had to launch herself sideways to avoid any flailing limbs.

"Hi Susan," Merlin said, extracting himself from the tight embrace.

"I'm so so sorry about Gawain. That man, well... in one word I suppose I would call him a pervert, but two? Hot pervert." She elbowed Merlin's ribs, "I know he would have wanted us to have a party in his memory, yeah?"

Merlin had to rub at his eyes before responding, "yeah, yeah I guess he would have, but he's dead yeah? I'm sure you can understand why I wouldn't want to have a party right now."

Susan fell silent, the humorous smile swiped from her face, "I'm just trying to lighten things up a bit."

"Well I don't need you to fucking try and lighten things up," Merlin snapped. Freya suddenly tugged at his arm.

"Merlin!"

"No. Fucking lunatics, the lot of them," Merlin hissed so only Freya could hear.

"They're Gawain's friends. Like you said, they saw a different side of him," Freya replied a hint of frustration in the tone of her voice, "and they have a right to mourn his death just as much as you."

Merlin rubbed his eyes again, they burnt with the familiar warning of tears. "I know it's... god Freya. I can't look at them and know that Gawain won't ever be able to spend time with them anymore."

"No, he won't," Freya said soothingly, "but you will."

Involuntarily, a soft, empty laugh escaped Merlin's mouth. "I don't give a damn about them."

"You don't mean that," she said. "You're just tired. You've been doing everything for the funeral while still running the pub and going to school. Maybe you should go relax for a while. I'm sure that Gwance, Will, Arthur, and I can handle this for however long you need alright?"

Merlin looked up and over the heads of the people still gathered in the pub, talking in low voices and sipping at drinks. Arthur was hard at work making drinks for everyone. He had taken off his jacket and hung it by a tiny hole at the collar on a wine rack behind him.

When he looked back at Freya, she too had been observing Arthur and returned Merlin's gaze with a calculating one of her own. "Do you trust him?"

He nodded.

"Then go and sit down for a while. We'll be here when you get back." She pushed him gently towards the door.

Merlin's feet felt heavy as he climbed the flight of stairs. Countless times he had ambled his way up, carrying Gawain, Will or one of Gawain's friends. On numerous occasions, he had nearly slipped and broken his neck after a torrential rain storm. Then there were the hilarious moments that Gawain would use paper bags at the grocers and end up busting them so that oranges and apples rolled in every conceivable direction. The middle of the stairs were beginning to sag from use and the railing was rubbed smooth by oily hands.

Then, at the very top of the stairs, Gawain had carved a naked woman's chest into the backing when he was twelve and beside it Merlin had carved 'I'm telling', which of course he never had. Gaius' old eyes had no hope of ever seeing the art anyway.

Merlin bent down and traced his finger along the carving, imagining Gawain's chubby twelve year old cheeks bunching up into a smile as he laughed at Merlin's ridiculous threat.

Downstairs, Gawain's friends were mourning someone they had known, at most, five years, while Merlin was mourning his life long best friend and family member.

Slowly, Merlin pushed his way into the apartment, exhaustion finally catching up with him in one huge wave. He had been going non-stop for too long now. He hadn't even had a proper chance to sit and let everything sink in. Maybe he didn't want to. Staying busy meant not having to deal with the terrible reality his life had become since Gawain, the twisted events leading up to it and crazy Morgana LeFay.

He plopped himself onto the couch and flung himself into a lying position, waving his fingers back and forth, lightening and dimming the lights with a whisper.

A few minutes later he found himself dozing comfortably.

Vaguely, Merlin remembered waking up to a jacket laid carefully over his shoulders. Why his memory chose to latch onto that was a mystery, and then suddenly, he remembered the hole in the collar. The same hole he had seen on the jacket Arthur had hanging behind him in the pub today. Merlin sat bolt upright. The blood rushed quickly to his head and he felt dizzy as he pushed himself to his feet.

It had been Arthur who had come and visited Gawain in the hospital and covered him with the jacket! All along, Arthur had been there. He had waited for Merlin to call, responded to Merlin's needs instantly, and given him looks that were not just an act to make Merlin feel better. Arthur, fucking frilly drink Arthur Pendragon, was in love with him. How had he been so blind? How had he been so blind to his own passions for the man?

Merlin spent one last moment taking in the situation before he rushed from the flat and down the stairs. The pub was still crowded with the same people wearing the same crazy outfits, but Merlin's vision had tunneled onto Arthur, who still stood behind the bar pouring beer in his crisp, white shirt.

Without thinking, Merlin sped his way to Arthur and when he got there Arthur had to take a step back to dodge Merlin's quick approach. The glass in his fingers slipped and Merlin had to reflexively catch it with magic and guide it to the counter where it spilt a good amount across the polished wood. The gentleman waiting for it gave a shout of dismay and then glared between Arthur and Merlin before turning up his nose and stomping away.

"Everything alright?" Arthur asked with honest concern.

"Everything's fucking fantastic," Merlin said firmly and grabbed Arthur's wrist to yank him from the bar. He didn't stop pulling even though Arthur protested loudly from behind him.

They made it to the bottom of the stairs leading to Merlin's magic room and Merlin finally stopped himself. He turned to Arthur, not relinquishing his firm grip on Arthur's wrist.

Merlin’s heart beat in his ears as he leaned forward and pushed his lips to Arthur’s so firmly that Arthur’s head thumped softly against the wall behind him. At first Arthur didn’t respond. Finally, after Merlin had exhausted every option of twisting his lips along the thin expanse of Arthur’s, Arthur put his hands at Merlin’s waist, finger tips digging into his back, and pulled him flush against his chest.

Slowly, Merlin raised his hands and laid them flat against the wall behind Arthur’s head, all the better leverage, and was just about to do something wild with his tongue when Arthur turned his face away.

Arthur breathed in heavily as Merlin pressed his lips along his jaw and down to the straining tendons on his neck.

"Merlin, I don't want you to do this because you're emotionally distressed," Arthur confessed as Merlin sucked hungrily at Arthur's neck.

"Shut up," Merlin hissed and brought his lips up to Arthur's earlobe. "You think too much."

Arthur let out a low groan, but instantly pushed at Merlin's chest. "Stop Merlin. Stop!"

Merlin pulled away and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "What? I thought you might want this!"

"I do, god, I've wanted it for a long time. But not now. I want to take you on a date and tell you how fucking gorgeous you look and be there for you when you need me. Like right now. You need me now and not for what you think you do," Arthur said breathlessly.

The air left Merlin's lungs in one giant sucker punch of realization.

Arthur stepped forward and put his hand carefully on Merlin's shoulder. "I understand. Let's work our way through this first."

Merlin nodded slowly. "I'm sorry."

Carefully, Arthur pulled Merlin into a close, intimate, and perfect embrace. His chest rumbled as he said, "it's alright. It's alright to be open with me. Just let go."

When the ground lurched because of Merlin's suddenly weak knees, Arthur was there to hold him up and the tears that easily escaped found purchase against the skin of Arthur's neck.

*******************

The day was quick and ended painlessly. Arthur stood behind the bar and mixed one last round for Gwance, Will, Merlin, and himself. Friends of Gawain left behind beer and new items for the pub. The midget left behind a new dart board with dulled darts for safety.

Arthur motioned for Merlin to join him at the bar from the pile of sympathy tokens. He took one last look at the pile before making his way to the bar.

"I thought you could use a drink," he said hesitantly, his back stiff with tension from the earlier kiss.

The drinks were strong and left everyone with their faces scrunched at the alcoholic burn.

"I thought you said you weren't heavy handed with the liquor, you’ll send me broke," Merlin said with as close to the normal bite of frustration he normally managed, but everyone looked at him anyway.

"This isn't strong enough for me, you frill," Will snorted sloppily from the stool next to Merlin. Gwance didn't say anything, but they also only had a tiny sip of their drinks.

"It's plenty for me, thank you," Freya said, but she pushed it completely full back towards Arthur. "I still have to drive."

She stood up and went to hug Merlin from behind on her way out. "It'll be alright," she said and kissed the side of his head tenderly before leaving.

"I should be going," Arthur confessed as Merlin polished off the drink. "I'll let you all be for the evening."

"Ain't drunk enough yet," Will said. "I still miss him. You pour stronger than Merlin. You should stay. And get me more drunk."

The group fell silent. Arthur broke it by slipping on his jacket and reaching out to cover Merlin's hand with his own. "Call me whenever," he said quietly, then left.

***********************

Will made himself two more drinks. Two too many in Merlin's opinion, but he didn't blame the bloke for it because his drinks nearly knocked him off his feet. Not that he wasn't grateful to have the pain dulled just a bit even with the knowledge that the morning would only bring back the sadness.

"I'll carry him up," Lance said nobly. "Would it be alright to crash here tonight with Gwen? I don't think I can drive at this point."

Merlin nodded and gratefully took a beer that Will had only half-finished.

"You can take Gawain's bed and Will can sleep on mine." At Lance's hesitant expression, he shrugged. "I won't be sleeping tonight. I think I'd like to stay down here."

Lance nodded. Gwen took the empty glasses and placed them carefully into the sink. Will, typically pissed, stumbled drunkenly from his chair.

"I don't need to sleep either, I'll keep you company." Lance saved him from falling onto the floor.

"Will, you go off to bed. I'll come up and sleep on the couch later."

Lance helped Will from the pub. Merlin couldn't move from his spot at the bar.

"You know where we'll be," Gwen said and left carefully, only after turning to smile at Merlin in understanding. He nodded his goodbye.

"I'll miss you," Merlin said and cheered the poster photo with the half-beer, gone warm.

************************

Three beers in and the telephone rang.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Merlin shouted as though it could understand him.

"'Ello," he said carefully into the receiver and was shocked to hear Arthur's calm voice over the line.

"Merlin? Lock the pub door okay?" The calmness in Arthur's voice was eerily steady.

"What?" Merlin asked.

"Just lock the door and make sure you stay inside and safe, okay?"

"Where are you?" Merlin hissed, frustration boiling his insides.

"I'm... don't panic," Arthur said. "I'm in the hospital."

The receiver nearly slipped from Merlin's grip. "What?"

"I have a broken arm," Arthur confessed. "It's nothing serious-"

"A broken arm," Merlin laughed bitterly, "that's pretty fucking serious to me!"

"It was a clean break, I've got a cast on," Arthur said.

"How did you break it?" Merlin asked.

"I... well, I tripped over a log or something," he lied unconvincingly.

"You're lying," Merlin growled. "Tell me the truth."

"It was. It was the client from Morgana's pub deal. She just... came out of no where."

Merlin pitched forward. "Are you sure? Why would she-"

"I don't know Merlin. There's something going on," he said.

"Merlin, please just lock your doors. I don't want them to hurt you."

"I'm coming to the hospital-"

"No!" Arthur shouted. "I want to know you're safe!"

"And I want to know you are too," Merlin hissed. "I can take care of myself."