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I had to post this!
Memorable Quotes from
"Dead Like Me" (2003)
[George has just attended her own autopsy]
George : So, what's next? Onward and upward?
Rube : "Onward", not "upward". No pearly gates for you. No choirs of angels, either.
George : You dick! You're sendin' me to hell?
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George : That's very Zen of you, you must smoke pot.
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Data Entry Guy : Files don't just disappear.
George : They do if you drop them down an elevator shaft.
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George : We lead our lives, and when they end, sometimes we leave a little of ourselves behind. Sometimes we leave money, a painting, sometimes we leave a kind word. And sometimes, we leave an empty space.
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[Mason shows George how the undead look to the living]
George : Who decides what we look like?
Mason : I don't know. Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up.
George : If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.
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Betty : Oh, and always be nice to that lady at the DMV.
Roxy : I told that bitch that her weave looked like carpet, and now my social insurance number pulls up *two* bankruptcies!
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Joy : I hate to say "I told you so."
George : You love to say "I told you so."
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George : I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation beget disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C Equals A, or whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed. Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law. So you see my dilemma.
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George : This is where I felt it the first time. The universe was cocking the fuck-with-me gun.
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Rube : You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that longshot on top. That ozone smell you get from air purifiers. And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable. Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.
George : And what if I don't?
Rube : Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.
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[George is in a good mood one morning and Roxie doesn't like it]
Roxy : How about a hot cup of shut the fuck up?
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[Rube lights his pipe in the Happy Time office]
George : You can't smoke in here.
Rube : Ah, fuck that bullshit, they can blow me.
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[after Rube asks Daisy to take two post its]
Daisy Adair : NO! And no means no! Powerful isn't it? I learned it at a PSA about date rape!
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[Mason is telling Roxie why she can't be nice]
Mason : Because you're an ornery bitch who eats puppy dogs for breakfast.
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[George, talking about Roxy]
George : That's Roxy. She could kick your ass.
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[talking to two girls]
Mason : Do any of you girls work for UPS? 'Cause I couldn't help but notice you were checking out my package.
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George : Well, I want my life back!
Betty : It's not like you were doing anything with it.
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Roxy : I'm going to put this politely as possible. I will fuck you up!
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Mason : But am I pretty?
Rube : Oh, you're darling. You make my heart flutter.
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George : Life sucks, and then you die. And then it still sucks.
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Roxy : Nice Cross. How'd you get the blood off?
Daisy Adair : Oh easy, soap and water.
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Brennan : [phone is ringing] Should I answer it?
George : Let's give that a whirl.
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Flower Lady: [handing George a flower] For my first customer of the day.
George : [taking her soul] Mine too.
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George : Who do I have to kill to get some attention around here!
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Mason : [about Crystal] We've got a problem.
George : I don't think it's a problem.
Rube : Gravelings?
Mason : Weirder.
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Roxy : [to Mason who is curled up on a bench at the diner and looking out the window] What's wrong with you?
[Mason blinks in her direction, eyes bloodshot]
Roxy : Are you stoned?
Mason : [looking very pale and sickly] I've got illegals in my bottom...
[referring to the bag of cocaine that broke in his rectum at the airport]
Roxy : [looking at mason shaking her head] Why do you do this to yourself?
Mason : [hand on his forehead whimpering] I don't know.
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[George is thinking to herself about the new guy she has just met at work as she walks around the office]
George : I cannot go out with this Brennan guy, it would never work out. You're a Taurus, he's a Gemini. He's Lutheran, and you're dead. You have to weasel your way out of this, you have to tell him... no.
[sees Fran, flirting with Brennan and playing with his hair]
George : Oh my god, some slut is stealing my boyfriend!
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Roxy : [after Gravelings tried to drop something on her] You missed me, motherfuckers!
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Daisy Adair : [after a married couple dies right after their ceremony] They're not going to Bali for their honeymoon, are they?
Mason : No
Daisy Adair : That's really one of the saddest things I've ever heard.
[the newlywed spirits kiss]
Mason : They don't seem to mind.
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George : Death is kind of like sex in high school. If you knew how many times you missed having it, you'd be paralyzed.
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George : Don't you want to at one with nature and your fellow workers? Nope, can't. bed-wetter.
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Mason : I'm so smart i'm practically retarded!
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George : Yuck! This juice tastes like ass, here you try it!
Mason : No, thanks. I'm trying to stay off of the ass juice for now.
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Joy : Where are my effing keys?
Reggie Lass : Maybe they're in your effing purse.
Joy : Reggie! Don't say effing!
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Mason : Rube is so old, he probably reaped Jesus!
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Dolores Herbig : [to George after checking her online date account and getting no messages] You know, when you are young like you are, Millie, it's easy. Man, woman, bottom, top... sex is a big buffet and you are just a fat man with a fork. But, as you get older, it's harder to get a fork.
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George : I think when someone you love dies, you get a pass on normal.
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George : Since I just got promoted, I just thought you two should know - I take my coffee with a little milk, two sugars and a lot less of your bullshit.
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Betty : [to George] I like you, Toilet Seat. You got moxy.