Learning How to Live (7/22)
Learning How To Live
Authors: jerseystrife , idioticonion and alixzin
Rating: mild M for some unpleasant adult themes
Summary: Something is terribly wrong with Barney Stinson and his friends have all started to notice him avoiding them. When questions arise, Barney fights to keep his secrets and to keep the life he's grown comfortable with living.
Disclaimer: Sadly, none of us own either of the shows.
Note: A million thanks to roland44 for the beta.
Previous Chapters: One| Two| Three| Four| Five| Six
When he awoke everything hurt. His heart was pounding and each breath he took came in as short gasps. Dimly Barney became aware that he was lying face down on a cold floor. Where was he? Slowly he forced himself to lift his head and he saw that he was in his apartment. His own apartment. He was lying at the front entrance with the door still half open.
How long had he been lying there?
He remembered that he had to get out of Ted’s apartment. As soon as Ted left him alone in the bathroom his only thought had been getting out. He wasn’t thinking straight but somehow managed to grab the wallet that Ted had left on the coffee table. When he stormed down the two flights of stairs his mind had gone so numb he didn’t feel any pain. In the cab he had no recollection of getting into, he told the driver the first address that popped into his head: his own.
It had been over a month since he’d been to his apartment. It was a good thing he owned it so he wouldn’t have to deal with paying the rent when he wasn’t even living there. He remembered taking the stairs instead of the elevator as Ted or Robin would have insisted. Out of spite, he went up as fast as he could rather than take it slow. His heart had been racing and he could barely breathe but again he hardly noticed since he was running on pure adrenaline.
As soon as he unlocked the door and stepped inside his apartment it was like someone had flicked off a switch. The second he allowed himself to relax the adrenaline rush had ended. He must have blacked out.
He really should try and get up. Maybe move to one of his nearby arm chairs and watch a movie on his giant screen TV. But it was just too cold to move. His heat had been turned off and a window had been left open to prevent it from getting too stuffy. The last time he could remember being this cold was that fateful night on the bridge. But wasn’t that during November? If he was feeling this way in the middle of July doesn’t that mean that something is wrong? And more importantly, would James come to save him this time? That would mean another quiet time, which he didn’t object to. It would probably do him some good.
Barney hoped that James would come soon to rescue him from the cold and everything else that was going wrong with his life. He rolled over onto his back and waited.
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Spring 1997
Sitting with James and watching football was an activity Doogie never thought he would enjoy. The whole concept of watching football after what his father had said to him made him think of the conversation he would rather forget. It was an activity he had decidedly grown out of and he had stopped watching it. But when James had swung an arm around his shoulders, dressed in his team's jersey and a six pack in hand, Doogie allowed himself to be pulled to the couch.
Doogie had no idea who the team was or what the heck he should be cheering about when James would shout at the screen about what was going on. He hadn't been keeping up with the recent sport news and he hadn't been paying attention when the game started. The reason why he didn't just get up and leave when the shouting began to hurt his ears was the expression of pure enjoyment on James' face. It was a rare sight to see James really smile (and not the fake smile he did for his partying friends).
"Did you see that?" James popped open a beer, gesturing to Doogie as he kept his eyes on the screen. "What the hell was the ref thinking. Eh, Barney?"
Startled, Doogie turned to look at James.
James didn't seem to even notice what he said at first until he realized Doogie was looking at him and not at the television. They looked at each other for a few more minutes until half time was over and the game began again.
The momentary slip of the tongue was ignored in favor of keeping the friendly mood that had settled over them. But Doogie couldn't forget the look of happiness on James' face when he had forgotten for a short while that he had lost his brother.
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Barney had been gone for over an hour when Ted had noticed that his wallet was missing. By then Marshall, Lily, Robin and himself had combed every inch of the places he might have gone surrounding their apartment. They had even phoned the police but seeing as he was an adult with normal mental functioning they weren’t sending someone over to talk to them until the next morning.
“He took my wallet,” Ted announced in horror. “He must have taken a taxi! He could be anywhere! Oh god, this is entirely my fault. Why couldn’t I have just kept my big mouth shut?”
“Did you have any cash in your wallet?” Marshall asked quietly. All four of them were now just slumped in the furniture in hopeless defeat.
“I borrowed it all before I left for work.” Robin said quietly.
Instantly Marshall perked up. “That means he must have used your credit card. We can track that! Ted, access your account at Goliath National Bank!”
They all crowded around his laptop as he logged on to his account. “Okay, he’s definitely taken a cab somewhere but, god damn it, he hasn’t done anything else.” Ted once again deflated in defeat.
“Now wait a minute,” said Lily, “This does help us. We know he hasn’t gone to any strip club or any other Barney haunts. And since he took a cab he can’t just be wandering the streets aimlessly… His apartment! We haven’t checked his apartment yet!”
“Good thinking Lilypad!” Marshall declared springing into action. “Come on let’s go!”
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As the three of them (Robin had to stay behind in case he returned) rushed down the hall leading to his apartment they were ecstatic to see that the door was slightly ajar and the light was on. Ted pushed the door all the way open and they all had to come to an abrupt halt to avoid stepping on the figure lying a few feet away from the door.
“Barney!” Marshall was the first to react. He bent down and started to lift him. “Come on dude, let’s get you off the floor,”
“Don’t touch me!!!” Barney roared with surprising force. He threw a punch at Marshall which managed to make contact with his face. It was far too light to cause any real damage but it got the message across. Lily hadn’t even thought he was conscious.
They all took a step back from him, trying to decide what to do as he lay glowering at them. Lily, deciding he looked more pathetic than dangerous, was the first to approach him again.
“Sweetie, are you all right?” she asked as she slowly bent down next to him.
“Leave me alone.” he whimpered. Lily smiled sadly; it looked like he had used up the last of his strength with that punch. She reached over to stroke his face but he jerked his head away from her touch. The brief contact was enough for her to assess his body temperature which was freezing cold. His lips were tinged blue and he was shaking with chills more than rage.
“I read on the bottle of that weird enzyme he was taking, aspar-something, that it puts him at high risk developing hypothermia,” she told the boys nervously. “We really should get him off the floor and warm him up.”
“Nooo!” Barney groaned but far more weakly than his previous protest. It seemed like he was getting drained of energy with every passing second.
Marshall didn’t need telling twice, he scooped Barney up off the floor before he had a chance to even attempt to throw another punch. He quickly deposited him on his leather couch and took a step back, as though he was a wounded animal that would bite if he came in contact for too long.
Rolling her eyes Lily ran to his bedroom to retrieve blankets as Ted called Robin to let her know that they’d found Barney and that he was more or less in one piece. Because his one blanket was so small Lily also pulled all his sheets off the bed.
Carefully she sat down next to him and proceeded to wrap the sheets and blanket around his thin, trembling frame. Barney didn’t protest but he didn’t say anything either.
“You really scared us honey,” Lily whispered, pulling him into a likely unwanted hug “We had no idea where you’d gone and were imagining all sorts of terrible things happening to you.”
“Sorry,” he whispered back, “Is James here?”
“No sweetheart, he’s not,” she said, her worry instantly tripling. “He’s in California, but if you want us to call him and have him visit we can.”
“No, no, no, no,” Barney sat up as if suddenly broken from a trance. “Don’t do that, he’s really busy with his job, his husband and his kid. He’s got enough to worry about. Besides, I talk to him on the phone almost every day.”
“Hey Barn,” said Ted stepping forward now that he saw he was returning to normal. “I’m so sorry about what happened. I didn’t mean to offend you in any way. Everyone has secrets and they need to be respected.”
“I’m sorry I flushed you. And for scaring you guys…. Hey, wait a minute don’t you have a date right now?"
“Oh, I guess I forgot about it,” Ted glanced at his watch. “We were supposed to meet forty minutes ago. Looks like I blew her off.”
Barney looked horrified. “Oh Ted, have I taught you nothing?! Call her up and explain what happened. Chicks dig this sort of thing. You’ll be guaranteed to get laid. It’s like that old story of mine that I was taking care of my deaf brother, only a million times better. I should have thought of this story! Taking care of your friend who’s dying from cancer-”
“You’re not dying!” all three of them protested at once.
“-she’ll think your awesome and have sex with you right away. And you’ll have a ready-made excuse not to get into a relationship that actually makes you look like a hero rather than a douchebag. I bet she’d even be willing to become your full time booty call. I’ll even let you have the bedroom for the night! And when she comes up I’ll be sure to be asleep on the couch looking as pathetic as possible.” He had exhausted himself with that monologue and fell back into the cushions. Lily put her arms around him and amazingly he actually leaned into her touch.
Ted couldn’t help but laugh. “Does that stuff ever work? If my memory serves me right the time you had me pose as your deaf brother was a complete bust.”
“Hell yeah it does! That time didn’t work because you didn’t do it right. Even if the story wasn’t true I’d know how to play the part for you. Back when James was straight I used to play his mentally challenged little brother. Was a hit with the ladies.”
Ted rolled his eyes. “I might call her tomorrow. Suppose it’s not immoral if it’s actually true. Come on, let’s head back to my place. It’s getting late.”
“Why don’t we just let him stay here tonight?” Lily suggested, “Both of us are tired, I can stay with him since I don’t have to work with school closed for the summer.” She could tell that Barney was still stressed and was in need of a break from Ted’s place. His own apartment would be a perfect safe haven for him to get some badly needed peace and relaxation.
Plus she’d just gotten him to rest his head in her lap and she wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to play with those beautiful curls of his.
Authors: jerseystrife , idioticonion and alixzin
Rating: mild M for some unpleasant adult themes
Summary: Something is terribly wrong with Barney Stinson and his friends have all started to notice him avoiding them. When questions arise, Barney fights to keep his secrets and to keep the life he's grown comfortable with living.
Disclaimer: Sadly, none of us own either of the shows.
Note: A million thanks to roland44 for the beta.
Previous Chapters: One| Two| Three| Four| Five| Six
When he awoke everything hurt. His heart was pounding and each breath he took came in as short gasps. Dimly Barney became aware that he was lying face down on a cold floor. Where was he? Slowly he forced himself to lift his head and he saw that he was in his apartment. His own apartment. He was lying at the front entrance with the door still half open.
How long had he been lying there?
He remembered that he had to get out of Ted’s apartment. As soon as Ted left him alone in the bathroom his only thought had been getting out. He wasn’t thinking straight but somehow managed to grab the wallet that Ted had left on the coffee table. When he stormed down the two flights of stairs his mind had gone so numb he didn’t feel any pain. In the cab he had no recollection of getting into, he told the driver the first address that popped into his head: his own.
It had been over a month since he’d been to his apartment. It was a good thing he owned it so he wouldn’t have to deal with paying the rent when he wasn’t even living there. He remembered taking the stairs instead of the elevator as Ted or Robin would have insisted. Out of spite, he went up as fast as he could rather than take it slow. His heart had been racing and he could barely breathe but again he hardly noticed since he was running on pure adrenaline.
As soon as he unlocked the door and stepped inside his apartment it was like someone had flicked off a switch. The second he allowed himself to relax the adrenaline rush had ended. He must have blacked out.
He really should try and get up. Maybe move to one of his nearby arm chairs and watch a movie on his giant screen TV. But it was just too cold to move. His heat had been turned off and a window had been left open to prevent it from getting too stuffy. The last time he could remember being this cold was that fateful night on the bridge. But wasn’t that during November? If he was feeling this way in the middle of July doesn’t that mean that something is wrong? And more importantly, would James come to save him this time? That would mean another quiet time, which he didn’t object to. It would probably do him some good.
Barney hoped that James would come soon to rescue him from the cold and everything else that was going wrong with his life. He rolled over onto his back and waited.
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Spring 1997
Sitting with James and watching football was an activity Doogie never thought he would enjoy. The whole concept of watching football after what his father had said to him made him think of the conversation he would rather forget. It was an activity he had decidedly grown out of and he had stopped watching it. But when James had swung an arm around his shoulders, dressed in his team's jersey and a six pack in hand, Doogie allowed himself to be pulled to the couch.
Doogie had no idea who the team was or what the heck he should be cheering about when James would shout at the screen about what was going on. He hadn't been keeping up with the recent sport news and he hadn't been paying attention when the game started. The reason why he didn't just get up and leave when the shouting began to hurt his ears was the expression of pure enjoyment on James' face. It was a rare sight to see James really smile (and not the fake smile he did for his partying friends).
"Did you see that?" James popped open a beer, gesturing to Doogie as he kept his eyes on the screen. "What the hell was the ref thinking. Eh, Barney?"
Startled, Doogie turned to look at James.
James didn't seem to even notice what he said at first until he realized Doogie was looking at him and not at the television. They looked at each other for a few more minutes until half time was over and the game began again.
The momentary slip of the tongue was ignored in favor of keeping the friendly mood that had settled over them. But Doogie couldn't forget the look of happiness on James' face when he had forgotten for a short while that he had lost his brother.
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Barney had been gone for over an hour when Ted had noticed that his wallet was missing. By then Marshall, Lily, Robin and himself had combed every inch of the places he might have gone surrounding their apartment. They had even phoned the police but seeing as he was an adult with normal mental functioning they weren’t sending someone over to talk to them until the next morning.
“He took my wallet,” Ted announced in horror. “He must have taken a taxi! He could be anywhere! Oh god, this is entirely my fault. Why couldn’t I have just kept my big mouth shut?”
“Did you have any cash in your wallet?” Marshall asked quietly. All four of them were now just slumped in the furniture in hopeless defeat.
“I borrowed it all before I left for work.” Robin said quietly.
Instantly Marshall perked up. “That means he must have used your credit card. We can track that! Ted, access your account at Goliath National Bank!”
They all crowded around his laptop as he logged on to his account. “Okay, he’s definitely taken a cab somewhere but, god damn it, he hasn’t done anything else.” Ted once again deflated in defeat.
“Now wait a minute,” said Lily, “This does help us. We know he hasn’t gone to any strip club or any other Barney haunts. And since he took a cab he can’t just be wandering the streets aimlessly… His apartment! We haven’t checked his apartment yet!”
“Good thinking Lilypad!” Marshall declared springing into action. “Come on let’s go!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the three of them (Robin had to stay behind in case he returned) rushed down the hall leading to his apartment they were ecstatic to see that the door was slightly ajar and the light was on. Ted pushed the door all the way open and they all had to come to an abrupt halt to avoid stepping on the figure lying a few feet away from the door.
“Barney!” Marshall was the first to react. He bent down and started to lift him. “Come on dude, let’s get you off the floor,”
“Don’t touch me!!!” Barney roared with surprising force. He threw a punch at Marshall which managed to make contact with his face. It was far too light to cause any real damage but it got the message across. Lily hadn’t even thought he was conscious.
They all took a step back from him, trying to decide what to do as he lay glowering at them. Lily, deciding he looked more pathetic than dangerous, was the first to approach him again.
“Sweetie, are you all right?” she asked as she slowly bent down next to him.
“Leave me alone.” he whimpered. Lily smiled sadly; it looked like he had used up the last of his strength with that punch. She reached over to stroke his face but he jerked his head away from her touch. The brief contact was enough for her to assess his body temperature which was freezing cold. His lips were tinged blue and he was shaking with chills more than rage.
“I read on the bottle of that weird enzyme he was taking, aspar-something, that it puts him at high risk developing hypothermia,” she told the boys nervously. “We really should get him off the floor and warm him up.”
“Nooo!” Barney groaned but far more weakly than his previous protest. It seemed like he was getting drained of energy with every passing second.
Marshall didn’t need telling twice, he scooped Barney up off the floor before he had a chance to even attempt to throw another punch. He quickly deposited him on his leather couch and took a step back, as though he was a wounded animal that would bite if he came in contact for too long.
Rolling her eyes Lily ran to his bedroom to retrieve blankets as Ted called Robin to let her know that they’d found Barney and that he was more or less in one piece. Because his one blanket was so small Lily also pulled all his sheets off the bed.
Carefully she sat down next to him and proceeded to wrap the sheets and blanket around his thin, trembling frame. Barney didn’t protest but he didn’t say anything either.
“You really scared us honey,” Lily whispered, pulling him into a likely unwanted hug “We had no idea where you’d gone and were imagining all sorts of terrible things happening to you.”
“Sorry,” he whispered back, “Is James here?”
“No sweetheart, he’s not,” she said, her worry instantly tripling. “He’s in California, but if you want us to call him and have him visit we can.”
“No, no, no, no,” Barney sat up as if suddenly broken from a trance. “Don’t do that, he’s really busy with his job, his husband and his kid. He’s got enough to worry about. Besides, I talk to him on the phone almost every day.”
“Hey Barn,” said Ted stepping forward now that he saw he was returning to normal. “I’m so sorry about what happened. I didn’t mean to offend you in any way. Everyone has secrets and they need to be respected.”
“I’m sorry I flushed you. And for scaring you guys…. Hey, wait a minute don’t you have a date right now?"
“Oh, I guess I forgot about it,” Ted glanced at his watch. “We were supposed to meet forty minutes ago. Looks like I blew her off.”
Barney looked horrified. “Oh Ted, have I taught you nothing?! Call her up and explain what happened. Chicks dig this sort of thing. You’ll be guaranteed to get laid. It’s like that old story of mine that I was taking care of my deaf brother, only a million times better. I should have thought of this story! Taking care of your friend who’s dying from cancer-”
“You’re not dying!” all three of them protested at once.
“-she’ll think your awesome and have sex with you right away. And you’ll have a ready-made excuse not to get into a relationship that actually makes you look like a hero rather than a douchebag. I bet she’d even be willing to become your full time booty call. I’ll even let you have the bedroom for the night! And when she comes up I’ll be sure to be asleep on the couch looking as pathetic as possible.” He had exhausted himself with that monologue and fell back into the cushions. Lily put her arms around him and amazingly he actually leaned into her touch.
Ted couldn’t help but laugh. “Does that stuff ever work? If my memory serves me right the time you had me pose as your deaf brother was a complete bust.”
“Hell yeah it does! That time didn’t work because you didn’t do it right. Even if the story wasn’t true I’d know how to play the part for you. Back when James was straight I used to play his mentally challenged little brother. Was a hit with the ladies.”
Ted rolled his eyes. “I might call her tomorrow. Suppose it’s not immoral if it’s actually true. Come on, let’s head back to my place. It’s getting late.”
“Why don’t we just let him stay here tonight?” Lily suggested, “Both of us are tired, I can stay with him since I don’t have to work with school closed for the summer.” She could tell that Barney was still stressed and was in need of a break from Ted’s place. His own apartment would be a perfect safe haven for him to get some badly needed peace and relaxation.
Plus she’d just gotten him to rest his head in her lap and she wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to play with those beautiful curls of his.