Will under love
Last night I went to a lecture by Thorne Coyle. It was all I'd hoped it would be and more. It was a major breakthrough.
One of the things she worked with is connecting to the still place that resides in your belly. I found this actively difficult. I was able to force myself to connect but it required active attention at all times. This may be because first we had done triple soul & exercises to connect to our godselves. I'm not sure I could have even found the place without that level of connection, much less have the umph to actively maintain myself there. It was unsettling in a way that was really indescribable, but since this is a journal I'll try anyway. It felt isolated & triggered some of the shakiness of fear, but that wasn't the full of it. It felt overwhelming and powerful, but that wasn't the full of it. It shook . . . my still place shook . . so it was like touching that oxymoron, being still and quaking at the same time & I had to remind myself that this was still or my attention would drift to the great everything and I would loose it. It was a sensation like a really charged crystal -- you know it's a rock and you know it's stationary but you also know it spins and hums. From there she directed me to connect it out to my auric bodies. Once that was done there was a certain presence to me that was clearly noticeable to those around me, but was noticeable to me too. I believe this to be the presentness that everyone told me I needed to find but I could never see. I felt present because I was connected to everything, but I never learned how to fully connect to myself.
This spot is connected to Ysod. Ysod is tricky. It's so easy to say I've questioned, I know there is more, therefore I have connected. Forever I was under the impression that my problem was a lack of grounding in malcuth. It was difficult to pull the energy there, but I could force it there and once I got there I found the grand and wonderful connection to everything physical . . . in other words another kether. Numerous exercises have pointed me towards needing to work with my individual nature, but I never really knew how. Who can tell you how to be an individual?
There is another level to this. This place connects to your personal will. One of the girls there commented that not having that connection to the still place was like Will under Love instead of Love under will. When she said it it hit me as profound but passed. Later in the car I was reflecting on what it was I was having difficulty saying when I was explaining to the sweet thelemite girl who gave me a copy of The Book of the Law (How honored am I!) the problems I'd had the one time I'd came to mass -- being that it didn't feel connected enough to the heart for me -- I remembered what that girl had said about love & will & wondered if that was what I was reacting to. Did I place will under love? This morning I woke with the realization that my first reaction to strife is to analise, but when that doesn't give me an answer I pray and surrender to the divine asking that I be lead to the best solution. I then go about actively seeking the solution. Kat says that to a thelemite Love is divine will and Will is personal will. I tend to go to divine will if my personal will doesn't jump out and say something (shock and surprise, I have a stoic side) so I'd say this is something I'm prone to.
So what is MY Will? (Uh-oh I've started using caps to make big words. I'm talking like a magician!) This gets complicated because one of the first answeris is to serve. I have determined that it IS my WILL to SERVE -- that that is definitely a part of ME. This is because of the answer to the question why. I want to contribute what I can to make the world a better place. I want glory, not just for myself but for those around me. I want joy and I KNOW that your joy is mine as well. I like being a part of something more. Part of my self is a cog in a wheel, and is content with that because it knows that it is just as important as the wheel. Without it the wheel is useless. Part of my self in knightly -- it serves for the challenge and glory of it -- the thrill of a job well done, the challenge of overcoming difficulties, the pride of accomplishment, the sacredness of duty. This is a divine calling, something not to be underestimated -- ask any priest. This is beauty and strength. Part of my self is the queen -- she serves by allowing others to do for her and for themselves. She serves simply by being a part of the world. She is perhaps the weakest of these servants but she is there. I would say this is due to lack of opportunity but in alot of ways she is the least rewarding to me, really in only an esoteric greater good sort of ways.
Is that really my self or my godhead??? Oh this stuff is confusing!!!
So I guess what I'm left with is that it is my Will to serve Love. The question is "is there a problem with that?" and "what more is there?" but those are answers for another time.
One of the things she worked with is connecting to the still place that resides in your belly. I found this actively difficult. I was able to force myself to connect but it required active attention at all times. This may be because first we had done triple soul & exercises to connect to our godselves. I'm not sure I could have even found the place without that level of connection, much less have the umph to actively maintain myself there. It was unsettling in a way that was really indescribable, but since this is a journal I'll try anyway. It felt isolated & triggered some of the shakiness of fear, but that wasn't the full of it. It felt overwhelming and powerful, but that wasn't the full of it. It shook . . . my still place shook . . so it was like touching that oxymoron, being still and quaking at the same time & I had to remind myself that this was still or my attention would drift to the great everything and I would loose it. It was a sensation like a really charged crystal -- you know it's a rock and you know it's stationary but you also know it spins and hums. From there she directed me to connect it out to my auric bodies. Once that was done there was a certain presence to me that was clearly noticeable to those around me, but was noticeable to me too. I believe this to be the presentness that everyone told me I needed to find but I could never see. I felt present because I was connected to everything, but I never learned how to fully connect to myself.
This spot is connected to Ysod. Ysod is tricky. It's so easy to say I've questioned, I know there is more, therefore I have connected. Forever I was under the impression that my problem was a lack of grounding in malcuth. It was difficult to pull the energy there, but I could force it there and once I got there I found the grand and wonderful connection to everything physical . . . in other words another kether. Numerous exercises have pointed me towards needing to work with my individual nature, but I never really knew how. Who can tell you how to be an individual?
There is another level to this. This place connects to your personal will. One of the girls there commented that not having that connection to the still place was like Will under Love instead of Love under will. When she said it it hit me as profound but passed. Later in the car I was reflecting on what it was I was having difficulty saying when I was explaining to the sweet thelemite girl who gave me a copy of The Book of the Law (How honored am I!) the problems I'd had the one time I'd came to mass -- being that it didn't feel connected enough to the heart for me -- I remembered what that girl had said about love & will & wondered if that was what I was reacting to. Did I place will under love? This morning I woke with the realization that my first reaction to strife is to analise, but when that doesn't give me an answer I pray and surrender to the divine asking that I be lead to the best solution. I then go about actively seeking the solution. Kat says that to a thelemite Love is divine will and Will is personal will. I tend to go to divine will if my personal will doesn't jump out and say something (shock and surprise, I have a stoic side) so I'd say this is something I'm prone to.
So what is MY Will? (Uh-oh I've started using caps to make big words. I'm talking like a magician!) This gets complicated because one of the first answeris is to serve. I have determined that it IS my WILL to SERVE -- that that is definitely a part of ME. This is because of the answer to the question why. I want to contribute what I can to make the world a better place. I want glory, not just for myself but for those around me. I want joy and I KNOW that your joy is mine as well. I like being a part of something more. Part of my self is a cog in a wheel, and is content with that because it knows that it is just as important as the wheel. Without it the wheel is useless. Part of my self in knightly -- it serves for the challenge and glory of it -- the thrill of a job well done, the challenge of overcoming difficulties, the pride of accomplishment, the sacredness of duty. This is a divine calling, something not to be underestimated -- ask any priest. This is beauty and strength. Part of my self is the queen -- she serves by allowing others to do for her and for themselves. She serves simply by being a part of the world. She is perhaps the weakest of these servants but she is there. I would say this is due to lack of opportunity but in alot of ways she is the least rewarding to me, really in only an esoteric greater good sort of ways.
Is that really my self or my godhead??? Oh this stuff is confusing!!!
So I guess what I'm left with is that it is my Will to serve Love. The question is "is there a problem with that?" and "what more is there?" but those are answers for another time.