lu_ia_he tumbles down the rabbit hole...
It's been a few busy weeks for me...
As unexpected as an elephant falling from the sky, I was asked to perform a duty full of prestige and honor: Man the fog machines as Zodiac Mindwarp slowly but effectively tours the lower forty eight States.
Naturally, I accepted without asking my wife, either of my cats, or my boss. In a smoke shrouded world of fantasy and piercing metal vocals, I would be there! Consequences be damned!!!
It all started out innocently enough; I didn't let the cackles and howls of laughter of the groupies assail me during our stint in Columbia, Missouri. One would think that perhaps I might hear "Fogman?? Are you serious?" echo through my brain as I drift off to sleep at night like some sort of terrible Bob Seger nightmare, but not once did I let them deter me from my one purpose.
By the time we reached Denver, I was really starting to pick up speed. I could fill the machines full of fog juice before the other guys were off of the bus. I remember that night, I was running through my usual testing sequence of trying to fill the entire venue from floor to ceiling with a thick blanket of smoke (ostensibly to see how much fog juice our closing number "Elven Boogie Meltdown" would require). So devoted, so dedicated, so preoccupied was I with my appointed task; I failed to realize that the rest of the band were unable to assemble their precious drum sets and amplifiers. After trying unsuccessfully to attach a Zildjian cymbal onto a microphone stand for the third time, I was tackled and restrained for quite some time by Trevor the drummer.
It was the beginning of the end.
I remember being in the midst of the mountains when I discovered my greatest weakness. The rest of the band was in a wood-panelled Burger King sharing a croissanwich but I stole away into the mid-morning mountain air with a handful of money that my better half had managed to send me from back home. There it was that I discovered them: Deep fried zucchini. I made sure to clean every last crumb of breading off of my handlebar mustache, lest the boys in the band should discover the hidden payload of golden brown goodness I had carefully packed in my denim jacket's side pocket.
That night's show started off great. I had heard that codpieces play well to a crowd that is mostly Mormon, but I had to witness it to believe it! Park City, Utah was the place to be.
The band was revved up, and I had been kind enough not to interrupt their sound check this time. The fact of the matter was that I was growing more and more fond of my secretive stash of zucchini. I can only imagine the look of a man as he slowly loses his mind to the twisted taste of those delightful morsels, but having been on the inside of said man at the time... I can only guess. I was completely preoccupied with them when I suddenly noticed Zodiac himself glaring at me, intently, from behind the mic stand.
The band was halfway through "Tremelo Love" and I was a split-second away from missing my cue!! With the trained brilliance that only a well-trained master of fog machinery can muster, I launched myself towards my equipment... But alas, one fatal piece of the equation was new to this experienced distiller of swirly smoke experience. Zucchini.
In my haste, the greater part of an entire bag tumbled to the stage floor; making what was once a move so natural to me a virtual suicide mission. Too late, I realized my mistake. It only took one of the golden brown devils to take me down. My left boot caught it and I slid right into the lighting rig and took it down with me. Sparks shot everywhere, and the frame of the lighting rig knocked Trevor out cold. Tangled in cords and fairly frightened, I managed to bring the whole fixture around for another pass... This time I knocked over the entire nine piece Tama drum kit and managed to embed the tip of the lighting rig into a Mesa-Boogie amplifier.
Things were tense. Zodiac wouldn't talk to me after the gig, and when the police and paramedics finally got done taking care of audience members they came to check on me. It seems that I sustained serious injuries, but at the moment of writing I have the use of at least three of the fingers on my left hand. Really it would be better if I could use the right hand, but oh well.
It has been quite a long, hard journey just recounting this daunting tale for your entertainment. So, hopefully this does someone some good out there. I tried to follow my dreams, but I let my addiction to crispy fried vegetables cloud my judgement. The band is thinking of replacing me with a giant skull that says the alphabet from A to Z and has a pre-programmed fog control. They said they might not use the alphabet thing, but at least if it fell and crushed everyone, they would be in less danger than if I was still around.
Well, who can blame them. Now. I've got to get back thorough this mirror, here...