[Bokurano] fic: Those Left Behind: Behind Closed Doors
I am...consistently late. XD; But hey, this still means 1 fic a day, so I guess it's all the same in the end. I did plan out who I'm writing for the rest of the days though, so yay~.
Although I was very eager to write this one yesterday, it somehow came out very disjointed. =/
Title: Those Left Behind: Behind Closed Doors
Day/Theme: Aug 22 behind closed doors
Series: Bokurano
Character/Pairing: Ushiro's dad
Rating: PG
Notes: for 31_days. Manga canon with spoilers until the end.
Archive: LJ | ffnet
-----
"I'm sorry, for being such a bad kid even until the end."
-----
How much hysteria can a person endure before his heart stops completely? Seeing Kana vanish before his eyes made his blood run cold. He would never ever forget how she stopped walking to apologize to him, the look on her face far too mature for someone her age. And then, she was gone just like that. His legs were like lead, but he forced them to move. He shouted her name in desperation, unwilling to believe his eyes, but his efforts were meaningless.
He was a bad father who couldn't take in more than one thing at a time. His capacity for thinking had abandoned him somewhere along the way, leaving him nothing but a jumbled mess of thoughts and what ifs. With his mind on Jun, he hadn't been able to comprehend the fact that Kana was in the contract. Now that she was covered in a white sheet in front of him, he couldn't think of anything else but how she had only been ten years old, and in those ten years, she had always been carrying the burden of his cowardice. Any other ten year old would have had a much more carefree life than the one she had led.
-----
While he grieved, Jun joined the contract.
When he found out, his heart threatened to stop. He wanted to shout in denial. He wanted to scream that it wasn't Jun's fault. It was he who had failed as a father, who hadn't paid enough attention to his children. So why was it Jun who had to take the fall? If only he had stayed with Jun, would he have been able to prevent Jun from joining the contract?
His mind asked these what-ifs, but his heart knew that Jun would never have listened to him.
-----
He didn't know how much a person's heart could take, but he knew that something inside of him had snapped. His heart was still beating painfully when it truly should have stopped. The short-lived relief he had felt when Jun returned home--panic had overtaken him when he woke up with Jun gone--had been immediately replaced by horror in the very next moment.
The light beyond the sliding door was bright. Jun had been the one to turn it on.
This just couldn't be happening.
But when he stumbled in his haste to cross the threshold, Jun was no longer there, Jun, who wasn't a bad kid, Jun, who probably hadn't even heard his father's sad attempt at bridging the gap that had come between them. The words had been left hanging in the air, never to be heard by the ears they had been meant for.
Was it better to have your child disappear before your very eyes, or was it better to have your child disappear out of sight, as if he were just beyond the door?
He smashed the telephone against the wall, the dial tone of the broken machine weeping pathetically in the night.
-----
Think about it.
That had been his favorite phrase. He had always given passing thought to what life would be like for his children after his death--he hoped that Jun would have matured into a considerate young man by then and that Kana would have learned to shoulder less burden and that they'd be able to be there for each other, but he had never imagined what life would be like for him if either Kana or Jun left him. Now, there was no need for such a thought experiment anymore because a life without his children had become his reality.
He had to admit he would have let himself grieve until the day he died, forever shut away from the world, if not for his students who had come for him. They reminded him of all the lives that Kana and Jun had given their life to protect, all the possibilities in this world that were still waiting to happen.
He let the door to his heart open once again.
-----
He buried Jun next to Kana who he had buried next to his wife. One day, he would like to be buried together with his family, but not now. Now, he still had a life to live.
When he returned to teaching, he continued to ask his students to think. The ability to think was, in itself, proof of a person's existence.
Think about it.
Think about all the possibilities waiting out there for you.
-----
the end
Although I was very eager to write this one yesterday, it somehow came out very disjointed. =/
Title: Those Left Behind: Behind Closed Doors
Day/Theme: Aug 22 behind closed doors
Series: Bokurano
Character/Pairing: Ushiro's dad
Rating: PG
Notes: for 31_days. Manga canon with spoilers until the end.
Archive: LJ | ffnet
-----
"I'm sorry, for being such a bad kid even until the end."
-----
How much hysteria can a person endure before his heart stops completely? Seeing Kana vanish before his eyes made his blood run cold. He would never ever forget how she stopped walking to apologize to him, the look on her face far too mature for someone her age. And then, she was gone just like that. His legs were like lead, but he forced them to move. He shouted her name in desperation, unwilling to believe his eyes, but his efforts were meaningless.
He was a bad father who couldn't take in more than one thing at a time. His capacity for thinking had abandoned him somewhere along the way, leaving him nothing but a jumbled mess of thoughts and what ifs. With his mind on Jun, he hadn't been able to comprehend the fact that Kana was in the contract. Now that she was covered in a white sheet in front of him, he couldn't think of anything else but how she had only been ten years old, and in those ten years, she had always been carrying the burden of his cowardice. Any other ten year old would have had a much more carefree life than the one she had led.
-----
While he grieved, Jun joined the contract.
When he found out, his heart threatened to stop. He wanted to shout in denial. He wanted to scream that it wasn't Jun's fault. It was he who had failed as a father, who hadn't paid enough attention to his children. So why was it Jun who had to take the fall? If only he had stayed with Jun, would he have been able to prevent Jun from joining the contract?
His mind asked these what-ifs, but his heart knew that Jun would never have listened to him.
-----
He didn't know how much a person's heart could take, but he knew that something inside of him had snapped. His heart was still beating painfully when it truly should have stopped. The short-lived relief he had felt when Jun returned home--panic had overtaken him when he woke up with Jun gone--had been immediately replaced by horror in the very next moment.
The light beyond the sliding door was bright. Jun had been the one to turn it on.
This just couldn't be happening.
But when he stumbled in his haste to cross the threshold, Jun was no longer there, Jun, who wasn't a bad kid, Jun, who probably hadn't even heard his father's sad attempt at bridging the gap that had come between them. The words had been left hanging in the air, never to be heard by the ears they had been meant for.
Was it better to have your child disappear before your very eyes, or was it better to have your child disappear out of sight, as if he were just beyond the door?
He smashed the telephone against the wall, the dial tone of the broken machine weeping pathetically in the night.
-----
Think about it.
That had been his favorite phrase. He had always given passing thought to what life would be like for his children after his death--he hoped that Jun would have matured into a considerate young man by then and that Kana would have learned to shoulder less burden and that they'd be able to be there for each other, but he had never imagined what life would be like for him if either Kana or Jun left him. Now, there was no need for such a thought experiment anymore because a life without his children had become his reality.
He had to admit he would have let himself grieve until the day he died, forever shut away from the world, if not for his students who had come for him. They reminded him of all the lives that Kana and Jun had given their life to protect, all the possibilities in this world that were still waiting to happen.
He let the door to his heart open once again.
-----
He buried Jun next to Kana who he had buried next to his wife. One day, he would like to be buried together with his family, but not now. Now, he still had a life to live.
When he returned to teaching, he continued to ask his students to think. The ability to think was, in itself, proof of a person's existence.
Think about it.
Think about all the possibilities waiting out there for you.
-----
the end