A Zipperhead's Guide To Snagging Your Tin Man
Haaaapy belated birthday, oldlunchmeat~! Enjoy some of the most cracky fic I have EVER WRITTEN, which is saying something. ONLY FOR YOU, HAPPYACID. ♥
Also, I'd like to note the inspiration for this: Love, For Drunken Mass Murderers and the sequel, Love, For Sugar High Detectives, both by Macvanaly. Spectacularly hillarious and hot Death Note fanfic. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THEM.
Title: A Zipperhead's Guide To Snagging Your Tin Man
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Glitch gets stuck on a roof running from Pen People. Then Cain comes to his rescue. And somehow it ends up with Cain in a sequins red dress and Glitch kicking down doors, all with The Guide's inserted narration. ♥
A Zipperhead’s Guide To Snagging Your Tin Man
(And Possibly Love And Lots Of Hot Kinky Sex, But The Love Part Is More Important! Maybe!)
---
So you’ve only got half a brain and can’t remember much! WHO CARES?! Certainly not you - you forget to do it! You forget a lot of things, actually, which is why this book has a bookmark and you have a bracelet on that reminds you that you own it! Now, remember, the first step to snagging your Tin Man is persistence! Make sure they remember you’re there, and make sure they remember you’re important! If they don’t remember, kick your Tin Man really, really hard. VIOLENCE MAY BE THE ANSWER YOU SEEK!
---
Being suddenly famous in the OZ wasn’t something that any of the gang particularly enjoyed. Walking out of a restroom in Central City only to be swarmed by people who recognize you and want your autograph on inappropriate pieces of the human anatomy wasn’t what any of them had signed up for.
But then again, Glitch couldn’t remember if he actually had signed something. He certainly wasn’t signing anything in the swarm of people around the bathroom, pushing himself firmly against the wall and looking frantically around for an exit. He’d just gone to the bathroom, for Pete’s sake, and they had found him. The only good thing about the adoration they got was that the mobs weren’t trying to kill them. Sometimes that sentiment wasn’t returned on Glitch’s part, though, especially while being assaulted via bathroom exit.
Luckily, said bathroom exit had a roof, and he had practice climbing onto things, so he grabbed a roof tile and pulled himself up onto the slanted, curved plane, thankful there was only two stories in the building and also cursing that, considering that meant someone could come out a window to get him.
They were all out to get him, with their pieces of paper and ink and pens and…and…gah. It was practically blasphemy, but sometimes Glitch wished they hadn’t taken the Witch down. Maybe in permanent darkness they wouldn’t be able to see him.
“…Glitch?! Glitch!”
A voice! A voice he knew! Glitch was practically straddling the top of the roof, waving frantically at the approaching, fedora-wearing man.
People tended to not swarm Cain. Glitch appreciated that. Or more specifically he appreciated the gun that kept the scary pen-slingers away from Cain and anyone near him.
“I’m being attacked by people who want me to sign things!” Glitch shouted back down, standing up hesitantly. “I’m pretty sure I never signed up for being attacked by signing-seeking people! I don’t think I ever signed anything!”
“Glitch, just shut up and get off the damn roof!” Cain snapped, shooing the crowd away. They didn’t start moving until he pulled out the gun and said “Shoo” in that scary I-Will-Shoot-You voice.
“But they’ll come back! I’ll just wake up one day and they’ll be there with their notepads and scribblers and questions about my underwear,” Glitch called back down as Cain holstered his pistol. “You have a gun! They don’t pester you like they do me! All I can do is climb on a roof and pray nobody assaults me when I leave the bathroom!”
“Glitch, you’re getting hysterical,” Cain sighed, hands on his hips as he frowned up at the other man.
“There’s nothing funny about this, Cain!”
“I meant you need to calm down and think - actually, you know what? Just jump,” he said, putting himself at the edge of the roof. “I’ll catch you.”
Glitch stared at him.
Cain frowned. “What?”
“You’re asking me to jump off a roof for you! And then onto you! It could kill us both!”
“Stop shouting,” Cain shouted. “And it’s only ten feet, we’ll be fine.”
“I’d be falling at the speed of gravity even without jumping. You know how fast that is?” Glitch asked, crouching on the rooftop and glaring down at Cain.
“I’m guessing it’s fast, but I’ll humor you. What is it, Glitch?”
Glitch paused, blinking. “…I have no idea.”
“Then just jump, and I’ll catch you, alright?” Cain pleaded, without really sounding like he was pleading. It was one of those ever-so-masculine things Cain could do.
“Jumping off rooftops is commonly considered suicide for a reason, Cain,” Glitch said dryly.
Cain grit his teeth. “Listen, do you trust me?”
“Of course I trust you!” Glitch said, affronted at the very thought he would do otherwise.
“Then jump.”
Glitch was quiet for a very, very long time, until he said, very calmly, “You are not very smart sometimes, Cain.”
Cain grinned up at him. “That’s what you’re for, sweetheart.”
“It’s gonna hurt,” Glitch warned, slinging himself towards Cain, calculating trajectories and velocities without even realizing he was doing so.
“Can’t hurt steel.”
“That’s because steel is a metal and doesn’t have a nervous system,” Glitch grumbled. “And you’re associated with tin and iron, not steel.”
“It’s a saying, Glitch.”
“Well it’s a dumb one,” Glitch muttered to himself, and let his body slide off the roof and straight towards Cain.
The two landed in a painful, shouting tangle on the ground, Cain staring up at the sky, eyes wide and mouth open. Glitch had a face full of Cain’s armpit, and one of his legs had bashed against the roof, only to bash against the ground. He was fairly certain it was broken, and pretty certain Cain had a concussion.
“Ow,” one of them said. Or maybe both.
“Yeah,” the other, or both, said. It was confusing and everything was sounding muffled.
But Glitch could already hear the whispers of the crowd, getting closer and closer as they approached from a nearby alley, talking quietly about how they could get Wyatt Cain’s autograph too.
Oh, gods. The pen-men wanted them both now.
Glitch got up onto his knees, trying to pull the dazed Tin Man up, and looking around frantically for somewhere to hide or, even better, get some transport out of Central City and back to the palace, where they were sure to have someone to fix them up all nice and splinted.
“Ow,” Cain said. It was definitely Cain this time, particularly since Glitch was leaning on him, using the pained and concussed man as a crutch for the time being.
“Don’t worry,” Glitch said a little fuzzily, but managed to give Cain a reassuring smile. “I’ve got a plan.”
---
Now that you’re certain your Tin Man knows you and it isn’t just from a wanted list (unless that’s another sort of ‘wanted’ list that doesn’t involve criminal activity), the next step is foolproof, which is excellent for you! Confuse your Tin Man! Switch places! Help the helper! Protect the protector! Just don’t get killed doing it, or all your hard work will be for nothing! (And remember, not dying also includes not being killed by your Tin Man! They have tempers sometimes, after all!)
---
The back alley they walked through (well, limp-hop-stumbled through, to be accurate) wasn’t actually all that dirty. There was smoke in the air, there was a small gutter in the middle, but no rats, no crates, no bums. Glitch decided he really had thought up a great plan, since even the alley was pretty good.
Cain was still a bit fuzzled in the head, so it was up to Glitch to open the door. Normally he’d let the Tin Man just kick it in, but his leg was broken, so Glitch just twisted the doorknob and let them stumble into the building nice and quietly. Well, aside from the almost constant “ow” that escaped his lips with every limp-shuffle-step they managed. He closed the door behind him, and grinned at a job well done.
“…are we in a closet?” Cain murmured his question, looking around at all the dresses and suits and boas and feathers and fake jewelry that surrounded them.
“Nope, even better. We’re in a wardrobe room,” Glitch said, pride filling his voice. “Ten times more a closet than an actual closet.” He lowered Cain down onto a fake gilded velvet chair - really just painted wood and felt, but it was still a real chair. “Don’t go to sleep.”
“Head hurts too much to sleep,” Cain muttered, only to blink as Glitch pulled out a fake torch and the wrappings off a mummy dummy nearby. Glitch then eyed the wood for a moment, made a quick ‘mm-hmm’ noise, and literally ripped the torch apart, straight down the middle. “Where’d you learn to do that?”
“No idea,” Glitch said, and quickly splinted his leg, from ankle to knee, wincing as he drew it tighter and tighter, finally tying it off. “But it’s about finding a seam or something. Props have seams or. Something.”
Cain started to say something, and then paused, blinking. He frowned. “I think I’m beginning to understand how you feel all the time.”
“No, I don’t have a concussion,” Glitch corrected, grinning and pushing himself up. “I’ve just got half a brain. It’s not fuzzy, it’s…hm. It’s lost. Yeah, that’s a good word for it.” He grabbed a convenient prop crutch and used it as a real one.
That earned him another stare from Cain.
“Ten times better than a closet, Cain,” Glitch said smugly, and looked around. “Now we have to leave.”
“Then open the door and we hobble back home,” Cain said, pulling his hat off and checking his head. “No big bumps, no bleeding.”
“Oh, good,” Glitch beamed. “I’d hate if you died. And by catching me when you demanded I throw myself off a rooftop. And what color do you look best in? I’m thinking this copper-red.”
Cain stared at the dress. “No.”
“The pen-people will find us, Cain!” Glitch said, using his spare arm to gesture emphatically at the horror of the situation. “They’ll try to steal your hat! They ask questions about keeping such a pearly complexion when out in the sun so often! They try to get you to sign things, Cain!” He glared, and yanked out two dresses - the copper-red, and a dark blue. “Now. Pick.”
“For me or you?” Cain asked. Glitch’s look clearly conveyed his sentiment of ‘YOU, dumbass’, so he sighed. “Fine. The red thing.”
“Oh, good! Much more flattering, although the blue would certainly bring out your eyes-” Glitch began, only to pause and gasp excitedly, grabbing something bundled up on the floor. “Perfect! You change and I’ll change over here and…oh, hey, can you hand me that cane?”
Cain looked behind him, and without even really looking at the thing, tossed it to Glitch, who beamed at him. “See you in a second! Oh, and I found a bag for our stuff!”
“Good. I like this coat.”
They were changing now, the rustle of clothing an almost pleasant background to their conversation.
“I like your coat too! And the hat. Well, the whole outfit. Very…Cain.”
“Thanks, I guess. You look very Glitch, too.”
“Lot of time spent in these clothes, Cain. They’re going in the bag. It’s a great bag, just wait until you see it.”
“I’m worried about you seeing me in this thing, honestly. Got any stuffing or…whatever back there?”
“Hmmmm…aha!”
Two gooey-looking pieces of…something flew towards Cain. He caught them, and grimaced, and stuffed them in the top.
“I’m dressed, I guess.”
“Then accessorize!”
Cain frowned. “With what?”
“Accessories.” There was a thump from Glitch’s area, followed by an “OW I’m okay wow that hurt.”
“I’m new to this whole dress thing, Glitch. What accessories?”
“Red things! Copper things! Shiny things! Feathers! Anything and everything to distract from your face.”
“Should I even ask what you’re doing back there, if this is what I’m doing?” Cain paused, and then grabbed a styled blonde wig and tugged it onto his head, finding a mirror and stuffing some dull red feathers on one side of it and copper-colored clasps on the other. He found some sort of drapey red hair thing, and took the wig off long enough to attach it, then tugging it back on. “…I really don’t look like a girl, Glitch.”
“You’re not supposed to.” A top hat was grabbed off of a shelf, and something jingled, and there were some scraping noises, finally followed by the thump of a cane. “You dressed?”
“Yes. You sound way too excited about this.”
“No, I’m excited about this bag! It’s almost like it’s bigger on the inside!”
A grinning Glitch stepped out, wearing a big top hat with something feathery wrapped around the top, shiny sunglasses, and a loose black-with-purple-pinstripes suit. He had a collared white shirt undone under the suit, and was wearing pants flared enough to not get in the way of his splint. “See? The creepy people with papers and pens and stuff wouldn’t even try to look at us!”
Cain gaped. “You’re a pimp, and I’m a drag queen.”
Glitch grinned. “Isn’t it brilliant?!” He had a hand firmly planted on the cane - which had a fake diamond skull on it. “And now we just get back into the palace. You know every guard knows us by our voices even, so then we get in, get changed, and we can just…what’s that look for.”
“I’m a drag queen, and you’re a pimp.”
“Did you want to switch?” Glitch blinked.
“I want to shoot you.”
Glitch glared, leaning on his pimp cane. “I saved our lives, Cain. And I’m doing it again with this…clever camouflage of the night! Or something! And now you’re just being mean.”
Cain sighed, rubbing at his forehead. “You have a point. I’m sorry I threatened to shoot you, but…Glitch, Jeb is in the palace.”
“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll change as soon as we get the palace doors closed behind us. And I would never tell Jeb!” He paused. “Besides, you can always chalk it up to a head injury.”
And really, Glitch did have a point there.
“Alright, so the plan is to-”
“Walk home in disguise.”
Cain blinked at him, startled by the lightning-speed answer.
Glitch shrugged guiltily. “Figured the simpler it is, better chance of success.”
“…well alright,” Cain said, and picked up the train of his dress after stuffing his clothing inside the blue bag Glitch seemed so excited about.
“And we’re off!” Glitch grinned, and swung the door open.
---
Never underestimate the power of a compromising situation! And don’t let it slip by, either! Use every last synapse in that zipperhead of yours to strike when your Tin Man is weakest! Trip them! Pretend to faint! Comfort them when they’re in pain! By whatever means necessary, snag and snog your Tin Man.
In a chase like this, failure is not an option.
---
Walking really, really hurt. The pimp cane helped, but they’d been walking through alleys for…how long now? Over an hour. Their pace was slow, their pace was in pain, and Cain was having trouble with the heels.
The night was getting deeper, the city was getting darker, and everyone but Glitch and Cain were more inebriated by the second.
“Are we there yet?” Glitch hissed at a particularly bad footfall.
“I’m guessing twenty minutes more,” Cain said, nearly falling over again, making Glitch grab for the translucent red sleeve of his dress. “How do women walk in these?”
“Different bodily center of gravity, not to mention better posture than you and practice,” Glitch rattled off, trying so very hard to ignore the growing number of swaggering men and women who were walking by. Every second was more dangerous. Sure, this had been a brilliant idea, but he’d thought they’d already be at the palace after the suns set, not still wobbling their way back home as a six-foot-four cross dresser and the only known pimp that actually used his cane to do something it was originally intended for.
…he did kind of like the suit, though. It felt nice, all silky and shiny in the city lights.
He also thought Cain’s dress actually was pretty flattering, but wasn’t about to tell Cain that. It was also very cute to see him with a long, frilly blond up-do with all the trimmings. Cain had always been attractive, but for some very strange reason, Cain not being very Cain-like at all made him realize that even more.
“Need to sit?” Cain asked, looking around the alleyway and finding a nice trash can to sit Glitch down on.
“Oh, no, I’m just staring,” Glitch apologized, earning a frown from Cain. “It’s just that you’re Cain, but don’t look Cain-like at all.”
“You don’t look very much like yourself either, Glitch,” he said, nodding specifically towards the glittering sunglasses.
“Yeeeooowwwww, baaayybeeee,” someone called out very, very slurred from behind them, and the two shared a frantic look before hobbling and wobbling down the alleyway as fast as possible. Clearly it wasn’t fast enough, considering a drunken teenager came running just as sloppily as them and stopping in front of them. The kid was thoroughly sloshed, wobbling like they were.
Glitch realized that he and Cain probably looked very, very drunk, and that something like that could be very, very bad.
“How much fer a smooch?”
Glitch stared at the grinning, drunken man. “From who?”
“Don’ get snappy with me, whippysnagger!” the teen said, pointing an accusing finger at Glitch, in all his pimp glory. “M’ mom’s on th’ counsel. One shout an’ I can get all th’ Tin Men in th’ area down here.”
He didn’t even need to look to see Cain go white as death. He could hear it just in the clack of his heels.
“Ten!” First number that popped into his head.
Cain gaped at him. “Ten?”
“Ten fer a smooch? PAH! Tha’s gotta be some s’rious action I’m seein’ then,” the teen with dangerously high and even more dangerously believable connections said.
“Seeing?” Glitch frowned.
“…Glitch, this is Central City. Voyeur pimps are more common than-”
“TWELVE!” Glitch shouted out.
“Glitch!”
“I’m trying to outbid him,” Glitch whispered back frantically. “Nobody would pay twelve for a voyeur pimp!”
“Then I wan’ under the skirt, at least,” the teen glared, and to their shock dropped twelve platinums into Glitch’s palm.
“YOU want under the skirt?!” Glitch gaped, only to get a surprisingly effective scathing look from the teen.
“At leas’ a hand. YOUR hand, fellers,” the teen said.
Cain sighed. “Well at least he knows we’re both men.”
“Tin Men or smoochin’!” the teen roared, startling Glitch into action, scraping Cain up against the wall with a kiss that was more like Glitch falling on top of Cain’s lips really really hard. Which, really, was what happened, but still. It was a kiss.
“…Glitch, I will never be able to show my face if-”
“I get it, Cain,” Glitch hissed, gritting his teeth. “We’re stuck.”
Cain blinked, and noticed the glaringly absent and vitally important pimp cane. “Oh no-”
Glitch kissed him again, this time an actual kiss, and not a fall-on-top-of-your-closed-lips type. He dug into Cain’s mouth, wincing at the searing, jarring pain in his leg. It lessened a little bit as Cain quickly wrapped his arms around Glitch (albeit loosely, since his suit was so slippery), taking some of the weight as he kissed back very slowly.
Oh no, Glitch thought dismally, remembering that Cain had just been smashed into a wall after he’d already been smashed into the ground earlier. The wig had to have padded the slam, but Cain had to be seriously hurt. Determined to not let that happen again, Glitch decided to screw his broken leg - he could get DG or Az or someone to magic it back up, hopefully - and pivoted hard, putting himself against the alley wall, squishing the poor hat. Cain gasped at the move, and Glitch yanked the suit jacket off so that Cain could hold him up easier.
“Kiss me,” Glitch hissed, and Cain complied, their lips moving hard and hot against each other, one of Cain’s hands sliding up to the back of Glitch’s head, tangling in his hair and making Glitch whimper, instinctively arching, grinding against Cain. He could feel the sequins through his shirt, smooth and sharp and sliding right over them both. Cain yanked off the sunglasses and flung them to the side, snapping them in half and biting Glitch’s ear.
And that was not pleasant. He hissed, digging his dull fingernails hard into…Glitch blinked. Apparently Cain’s dress had a very low back, and wow, his skin was…
Glitch practically purred, kissing a wide-eyed Cain long and indulgently, dark eyes smirking as he ran his hands up to Cain’s shoulders, and then he dragged his fingernails right back down, barely touching, and ended up slammed into the wall, practically wrapped around Cain (surprisingly good for his broken leg!), who seemed determined to kill Glitch with his tongue. Which seemed quite a pleasant death, really, Glitch thought to himself as he instinctively pulled the wig off, tossing the loose thing aside and feeling that short, real blond hair on Cain’s head.
He was trying to remember something about skirts, but Cain was just…intoxicating. He was getting as drunk off this as the kid-
The kid!
Glitch moved down, biting Cain’s shoulder, only to whimper when Cain started on giving him a very, very thorough hickey that felt so damn good - no! Skirt! Lift the skirt! End of contract!
But gods, the things Cain could do with his tongue…
Glitch gave up his morality, deciding he could chalk it up to a glitch, and pressed himself flush against Cain, and that startled the blond enough that he looked up at Glitch, who grinned viciously and kissed him painfully sweetly, nice and slow and probably driving them both crazy at being so warm, so close to each other, the massive amount of feeling that Glitch hadn’t felt in so long. Hands around his waist, a leg between his own, Glitch thanking all that was holy that the dress had a slit, sliding his hand across the fabric and down, through the slit and around Cain’s thigh-
“Niiiice,” the teen said, and it took them a moment to wake up, to remember to breathe without each other, to think that oh hey, they didn’t have to be kissing and it was all to get rid of a troublesome drunk kid. “Best I’s seen in a looooong time.”
“Th-thanks,” Glitch said, his body literally shaking, Cain’s head resting on his shoulder.
“I’mma go home now. ‘S a beau’ful night, have a nice’n,” the teen said amicably, and actually waved goodbye, running off.
“…shit,” Cain said, very clearly, into Glitch’s shirt.
“Um.” Glitch said, for some reason feeling like punching a wall or screaming or crying or something, but instead staring straight at the opposite wall. Now is not the time to ask if he would be interested in a romantic relationship, that logical part of that empty part of his head said. You are both in pain, tired, and were pressed into a physical relationship. Even if you ask and he says yes, your relationship will be shallow and fail very quickly.
So, instead, Glitch said “My leg really hurts” and Cain practically leapt aside, scrounging around the considerable amount of clothing and accessories now strewn about the alleyway and finding the cane. Glitch grabbed the suit’s jacket and put it on slowly.
Cain looked more like Cain now, even though he was still wearing a red (backless oh gods) dress. But he handed Glitch the cane and immediately pulled the heels off and grabbing the bag. The hat came out, along with the boots, and his coat.
And, most notably, the gun. It looked strangely elegant, crossed over the dress and tied securely.
“We can move faster if I’m not wearing heels,” Cain muttered.
Glitch jut nodded, still staring and hating himself for it.
“…Are you feeling okay? Your leg, I mean?” Cain asked, blushing slightly.
“Hurts, but I’ll be fine,” Glitch managed to say reasonably normal.
“Good,” Cain said.
“Good,” Glitch nodded.
And they headed back out, making it to the palace in eighteen minutes.
---
When you’ve snagged your Tin Man, the hardest part is keeping him! Remind him it’s not just a one-time fling! Tell him it’s not just a one night stand! If you have to, tell him you’re pregnant! The best way to keep his attention is lots of hot, kinky, dirty, heavy sex, and the addiction which comes with that!
But most importantly remember that the addiction is there for one reason - to keep him hooked to you, and hopefully, to fall in love with you.
---
The palace guards stared, but let them through. Cain immediately retreated with the bag while one of the palace’s healers looked over his broken leg. Apparently he had splinted it better than anyone untrained could ever have done, so he guessed he’d been trained at some point. Within five minutes they had his pants off and an official cast was put onto his leg.
Cain had brought the bag back unnoticed during the procedure, which made Glitch want to slam his head into the wall because he needed to talk to him, and hopefully do more than just talk after said talk, but he could tell when The Avoidance Game was about to begin.
So, Glitch decided to ignore that intelligent bit of the nothing in his head, and, still in the white nightgown and crutches, dashing down the hallway, he managed to dodge the furious, terrified healer and reached unheard-of-on-crutches speeds. He raced up the ramps in the palace, heading straight for Cain’s bedroom.
He didn’t turn the doorknob or knock this time. With a grimace of determination, he slung his feet straight into the door, sending both it and him crashing to the ground of Cain’s quarters.
A very surprised Tin Man stared at him from where he was hanging up a ridiculous sequined, backless red dress in the corner of his closet.
“You…I…YOU,” Glitch panted, shaking his head to get rid of the blur the world had turned into. “YOU. I…I wasn’t finished with you!”
Cain helped him to his feet, and then when Glitch screamed at the pain in his leg, helped him onto the only horizontal surface in the room aside from the floor - the bed. He stuck the crutches next to the bed, and stood at the baseboard, just…staring at Glitch.
“You just kicked down two-and-a-half inches of oak.”
“I need to talk to you!” Glitch snapped, pointing at him. “The alley, the…the kissing or whatever you want to call it, I wasn’t done and I really really like you and have for a while but never thought to think of it and YOU, Mister Tin Man, you just just just STOPPED and…I. I don’t know, I just was happy and felt like everything was-”
Cain kissed him.
Honestly, they’d had MUCH better kisses, but it’d do for now.
“Not done with me?” Cain smirked over him. “Well, that’s pretty good for us both.”
“Then why’d you stop?!”
“YOU stopped, that’s why!”
“I didn’t stop! I was more than happy to keep going!”
“You said your leg was-”
“Oh come on, Cain, you know that was just an excuse-”
Cain kissed him again. It was a lot better this time, and Glitch was pretty happy that it wasn’t a Cain in a not-Cain way, but Cain, completely, utterly Cain.
“Feel like having your wicked way with me?” Cain grinned.
“Oh do I ever.” Glitch smiled back, and completely ignored his leg for the rest of the night.
---
:D
AND OH MY GOD GUYS LOOK LOOK goldbryn DREW THEM IN THEIR EVER SO STEALTY CAMOUFLAGE!!!!
Also, I'd like to note the inspiration for this: Love, For Drunken Mass Murderers and the sequel, Love, For Sugar High Detectives, both by Macvanaly. Spectacularly hillarious and hot Death Note fanfic. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THEM.
Title: A Zipperhead's Guide To Snagging Your Tin Man
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Glitch gets stuck on a roof running from Pen People. Then Cain comes to his rescue. And somehow it ends up with Cain in a sequins red dress and Glitch kicking down doors, all with The Guide's inserted narration. ♥
A Zipperhead’s Guide To Snagging Your Tin Man
(And Possibly Love And Lots Of Hot Kinky Sex, But The Love Part Is More Important! Maybe!)
---
So you’ve only got half a brain and can’t remember much! WHO CARES?! Certainly not you - you forget to do it! You forget a lot of things, actually, which is why this book has a bookmark and you have a bracelet on that reminds you that you own it! Now, remember, the first step to snagging your Tin Man is persistence! Make sure they remember you’re there, and make sure they remember you’re important! If they don’t remember, kick your Tin Man really, really hard. VIOLENCE MAY BE THE ANSWER YOU SEEK!
---
Being suddenly famous in the OZ wasn’t something that any of the gang particularly enjoyed. Walking out of a restroom in Central City only to be swarmed by people who recognize you and want your autograph on inappropriate pieces of the human anatomy wasn’t what any of them had signed up for.
But then again, Glitch couldn’t remember if he actually had signed something. He certainly wasn’t signing anything in the swarm of people around the bathroom, pushing himself firmly against the wall and looking frantically around for an exit. He’d just gone to the bathroom, for Pete’s sake, and they had found him. The only good thing about the adoration they got was that the mobs weren’t trying to kill them. Sometimes that sentiment wasn’t returned on Glitch’s part, though, especially while being assaulted via bathroom exit.
Luckily, said bathroom exit had a roof, and he had practice climbing onto things, so he grabbed a roof tile and pulled himself up onto the slanted, curved plane, thankful there was only two stories in the building and also cursing that, considering that meant someone could come out a window to get him.
They were all out to get him, with their pieces of paper and ink and pens and…and…gah. It was practically blasphemy, but sometimes Glitch wished they hadn’t taken the Witch down. Maybe in permanent darkness they wouldn’t be able to see him.
“…Glitch?! Glitch!”
A voice! A voice he knew! Glitch was practically straddling the top of the roof, waving frantically at the approaching, fedora-wearing man.
People tended to not swarm Cain. Glitch appreciated that. Or more specifically he appreciated the gun that kept the scary pen-slingers away from Cain and anyone near him.
“I’m being attacked by people who want me to sign things!” Glitch shouted back down, standing up hesitantly. “I’m pretty sure I never signed up for being attacked by signing-seeking people! I don’t think I ever signed anything!”
“Glitch, just shut up and get off the damn roof!” Cain snapped, shooing the crowd away. They didn’t start moving until he pulled out the gun and said “Shoo” in that scary I-Will-Shoot-You voice.
“But they’ll come back! I’ll just wake up one day and they’ll be there with their notepads and scribblers and questions about my underwear,” Glitch called back down as Cain holstered his pistol. “You have a gun! They don’t pester you like they do me! All I can do is climb on a roof and pray nobody assaults me when I leave the bathroom!”
“Glitch, you’re getting hysterical,” Cain sighed, hands on his hips as he frowned up at the other man.
“There’s nothing funny about this, Cain!”
“I meant you need to calm down and think - actually, you know what? Just jump,” he said, putting himself at the edge of the roof. “I’ll catch you.”
Glitch stared at him.
Cain frowned. “What?”
“You’re asking me to jump off a roof for you! And then onto you! It could kill us both!”
“Stop shouting,” Cain shouted. “And it’s only ten feet, we’ll be fine.”
“I’d be falling at the speed of gravity even without jumping. You know how fast that is?” Glitch asked, crouching on the rooftop and glaring down at Cain.
“I’m guessing it’s fast, but I’ll humor you. What is it, Glitch?”
Glitch paused, blinking. “…I have no idea.”
“Then just jump, and I’ll catch you, alright?” Cain pleaded, without really sounding like he was pleading. It was one of those ever-so-masculine things Cain could do.
“Jumping off rooftops is commonly considered suicide for a reason, Cain,” Glitch said dryly.
Cain grit his teeth. “Listen, do you trust me?”
“Of course I trust you!” Glitch said, affronted at the very thought he would do otherwise.
“Then jump.”
Glitch was quiet for a very, very long time, until he said, very calmly, “You are not very smart sometimes, Cain.”
Cain grinned up at him. “That’s what you’re for, sweetheart.”
“It’s gonna hurt,” Glitch warned, slinging himself towards Cain, calculating trajectories and velocities without even realizing he was doing so.
“Can’t hurt steel.”
“That’s because steel is a metal and doesn’t have a nervous system,” Glitch grumbled. “And you’re associated with tin and iron, not steel.”
“It’s a saying, Glitch.”
“Well it’s a dumb one,” Glitch muttered to himself, and let his body slide off the roof and straight towards Cain.
The two landed in a painful, shouting tangle on the ground, Cain staring up at the sky, eyes wide and mouth open. Glitch had a face full of Cain’s armpit, and one of his legs had bashed against the roof, only to bash against the ground. He was fairly certain it was broken, and pretty certain Cain had a concussion.
“Ow,” one of them said. Or maybe both.
“Yeah,” the other, or both, said. It was confusing and everything was sounding muffled.
But Glitch could already hear the whispers of the crowd, getting closer and closer as they approached from a nearby alley, talking quietly about how they could get Wyatt Cain’s autograph too.
Oh, gods. The pen-men wanted them both now.
Glitch got up onto his knees, trying to pull the dazed Tin Man up, and looking around frantically for somewhere to hide or, even better, get some transport out of Central City and back to the palace, where they were sure to have someone to fix them up all nice and splinted.
“Ow,” Cain said. It was definitely Cain this time, particularly since Glitch was leaning on him, using the pained and concussed man as a crutch for the time being.
“Don’t worry,” Glitch said a little fuzzily, but managed to give Cain a reassuring smile. “I’ve got a plan.”
---
Now that you’re certain your Tin Man knows you and it isn’t just from a wanted list (unless that’s another sort of ‘wanted’ list that doesn’t involve criminal activity), the next step is foolproof, which is excellent for you! Confuse your Tin Man! Switch places! Help the helper! Protect the protector! Just don’t get killed doing it, or all your hard work will be for nothing! (And remember, not dying also includes not being killed by your Tin Man! They have tempers sometimes, after all!)
---
The back alley they walked through (well, limp-hop-stumbled through, to be accurate) wasn’t actually all that dirty. There was smoke in the air, there was a small gutter in the middle, but no rats, no crates, no bums. Glitch decided he really had thought up a great plan, since even the alley was pretty good.
Cain was still a bit fuzzled in the head, so it was up to Glitch to open the door. Normally he’d let the Tin Man just kick it in, but his leg was broken, so Glitch just twisted the doorknob and let them stumble into the building nice and quietly. Well, aside from the almost constant “ow” that escaped his lips with every limp-shuffle-step they managed. He closed the door behind him, and grinned at a job well done.
“…are we in a closet?” Cain murmured his question, looking around at all the dresses and suits and boas and feathers and fake jewelry that surrounded them.
“Nope, even better. We’re in a wardrobe room,” Glitch said, pride filling his voice. “Ten times more a closet than an actual closet.” He lowered Cain down onto a fake gilded velvet chair - really just painted wood and felt, but it was still a real chair. “Don’t go to sleep.”
“Head hurts too much to sleep,” Cain muttered, only to blink as Glitch pulled out a fake torch and the wrappings off a mummy dummy nearby. Glitch then eyed the wood for a moment, made a quick ‘mm-hmm’ noise, and literally ripped the torch apart, straight down the middle. “Where’d you learn to do that?”
“No idea,” Glitch said, and quickly splinted his leg, from ankle to knee, wincing as he drew it tighter and tighter, finally tying it off. “But it’s about finding a seam or something. Props have seams or. Something.”
Cain started to say something, and then paused, blinking. He frowned. “I think I’m beginning to understand how you feel all the time.”
“No, I don’t have a concussion,” Glitch corrected, grinning and pushing himself up. “I’ve just got half a brain. It’s not fuzzy, it’s…hm. It’s lost. Yeah, that’s a good word for it.” He grabbed a convenient prop crutch and used it as a real one.
That earned him another stare from Cain.
“Ten times better than a closet, Cain,” Glitch said smugly, and looked around. “Now we have to leave.”
“Then open the door and we hobble back home,” Cain said, pulling his hat off and checking his head. “No big bumps, no bleeding.”
“Oh, good,” Glitch beamed. “I’d hate if you died. And by catching me when you demanded I throw myself off a rooftop. And what color do you look best in? I’m thinking this copper-red.”
Cain stared at the dress. “No.”
“The pen-people will find us, Cain!” Glitch said, using his spare arm to gesture emphatically at the horror of the situation. “They’ll try to steal your hat! They ask questions about keeping such a pearly complexion when out in the sun so often! They try to get you to sign things, Cain!” He glared, and yanked out two dresses - the copper-red, and a dark blue. “Now. Pick.”
“For me or you?” Cain asked. Glitch’s look clearly conveyed his sentiment of ‘YOU, dumbass’, so he sighed. “Fine. The red thing.”
“Oh, good! Much more flattering, although the blue would certainly bring out your eyes-” Glitch began, only to pause and gasp excitedly, grabbing something bundled up on the floor. “Perfect! You change and I’ll change over here and…oh, hey, can you hand me that cane?”
Cain looked behind him, and without even really looking at the thing, tossed it to Glitch, who beamed at him. “See you in a second! Oh, and I found a bag for our stuff!”
“Good. I like this coat.”
They were changing now, the rustle of clothing an almost pleasant background to their conversation.
“I like your coat too! And the hat. Well, the whole outfit. Very…Cain.”
“Thanks, I guess. You look very Glitch, too.”
“Lot of time spent in these clothes, Cain. They’re going in the bag. It’s a great bag, just wait until you see it.”
“I’m worried about you seeing me in this thing, honestly. Got any stuffing or…whatever back there?”
“Hmmmm…aha!”
Two gooey-looking pieces of…something flew towards Cain. He caught them, and grimaced, and stuffed them in the top.
“I’m dressed, I guess.”
“Then accessorize!”
Cain frowned. “With what?”
“Accessories.” There was a thump from Glitch’s area, followed by an “OW I’m okay wow that hurt.”
“I’m new to this whole dress thing, Glitch. What accessories?”
“Red things! Copper things! Shiny things! Feathers! Anything and everything to distract from your face.”
“Should I even ask what you’re doing back there, if this is what I’m doing?” Cain paused, and then grabbed a styled blonde wig and tugged it onto his head, finding a mirror and stuffing some dull red feathers on one side of it and copper-colored clasps on the other. He found some sort of drapey red hair thing, and took the wig off long enough to attach it, then tugging it back on. “…I really don’t look like a girl, Glitch.”
“You’re not supposed to.” A top hat was grabbed off of a shelf, and something jingled, and there were some scraping noises, finally followed by the thump of a cane. “You dressed?”
“Yes. You sound way too excited about this.”
“No, I’m excited about this bag! It’s almost like it’s bigger on the inside!”
A grinning Glitch stepped out, wearing a big top hat with something feathery wrapped around the top, shiny sunglasses, and a loose black-with-purple-pinstripes suit. He had a collared white shirt undone under the suit, and was wearing pants flared enough to not get in the way of his splint. “See? The creepy people with papers and pens and stuff wouldn’t even try to look at us!”
Cain gaped. “You’re a pimp, and I’m a drag queen.”
Glitch grinned. “Isn’t it brilliant?!” He had a hand firmly planted on the cane - which had a fake diamond skull on it. “And now we just get back into the palace. You know every guard knows us by our voices even, so then we get in, get changed, and we can just…what’s that look for.”
“I’m a drag queen, and you’re a pimp.”
“Did you want to switch?” Glitch blinked.
“I want to shoot you.”
Glitch glared, leaning on his pimp cane. “I saved our lives, Cain. And I’m doing it again with this…clever camouflage of the night! Or something! And now you’re just being mean.”
Cain sighed, rubbing at his forehead. “You have a point. I’m sorry I threatened to shoot you, but…Glitch, Jeb is in the palace.”
“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll change as soon as we get the palace doors closed behind us. And I would never tell Jeb!” He paused. “Besides, you can always chalk it up to a head injury.”
And really, Glitch did have a point there.
“Alright, so the plan is to-”
“Walk home in disguise.”
Cain blinked at him, startled by the lightning-speed answer.
Glitch shrugged guiltily. “Figured the simpler it is, better chance of success.”
“…well alright,” Cain said, and picked up the train of his dress after stuffing his clothing inside the blue bag Glitch seemed so excited about.
“And we’re off!” Glitch grinned, and swung the door open.
---
Never underestimate the power of a compromising situation! And don’t let it slip by, either! Use every last synapse in that zipperhead of yours to strike when your Tin Man is weakest! Trip them! Pretend to faint! Comfort them when they’re in pain! By whatever means necessary, snag and snog your Tin Man.
In a chase like this, failure is not an option.
---
Walking really, really hurt. The pimp cane helped, but they’d been walking through alleys for…how long now? Over an hour. Their pace was slow, their pace was in pain, and Cain was having trouble with the heels.
The night was getting deeper, the city was getting darker, and everyone but Glitch and Cain were more inebriated by the second.
“Are we there yet?” Glitch hissed at a particularly bad footfall.
“I’m guessing twenty minutes more,” Cain said, nearly falling over again, making Glitch grab for the translucent red sleeve of his dress. “How do women walk in these?”
“Different bodily center of gravity, not to mention better posture than you and practice,” Glitch rattled off, trying so very hard to ignore the growing number of swaggering men and women who were walking by. Every second was more dangerous. Sure, this had been a brilliant idea, but he’d thought they’d already be at the palace after the suns set, not still wobbling their way back home as a six-foot-four cross dresser and the only known pimp that actually used his cane to do something it was originally intended for.
…he did kind of like the suit, though. It felt nice, all silky and shiny in the city lights.
He also thought Cain’s dress actually was pretty flattering, but wasn’t about to tell Cain that. It was also very cute to see him with a long, frilly blond up-do with all the trimmings. Cain had always been attractive, but for some very strange reason, Cain not being very Cain-like at all made him realize that even more.
“Need to sit?” Cain asked, looking around the alleyway and finding a nice trash can to sit Glitch down on.
“Oh, no, I’m just staring,” Glitch apologized, earning a frown from Cain. “It’s just that you’re Cain, but don’t look Cain-like at all.”
“You don’t look very much like yourself either, Glitch,” he said, nodding specifically towards the glittering sunglasses.
“Yeeeooowwwww, baaayybeeee,” someone called out very, very slurred from behind them, and the two shared a frantic look before hobbling and wobbling down the alleyway as fast as possible. Clearly it wasn’t fast enough, considering a drunken teenager came running just as sloppily as them and stopping in front of them. The kid was thoroughly sloshed, wobbling like they were.
Glitch realized that he and Cain probably looked very, very drunk, and that something like that could be very, very bad.
“How much fer a smooch?”
Glitch stared at the grinning, drunken man. “From who?”
“Don’ get snappy with me, whippysnagger!” the teen said, pointing an accusing finger at Glitch, in all his pimp glory. “M’ mom’s on th’ counsel. One shout an’ I can get all th’ Tin Men in th’ area down here.”
He didn’t even need to look to see Cain go white as death. He could hear it just in the clack of his heels.
“Ten!” First number that popped into his head.
Cain gaped at him. “Ten?”
“Ten fer a smooch? PAH! Tha’s gotta be some s’rious action I’m seein’ then,” the teen with dangerously high and even more dangerously believable connections said.
“Seeing?” Glitch frowned.
“…Glitch, this is Central City. Voyeur pimps are more common than-”
“TWELVE!” Glitch shouted out.
“Glitch!”
“I’m trying to outbid him,” Glitch whispered back frantically. “Nobody would pay twelve for a voyeur pimp!”
“Then I wan’ under the skirt, at least,” the teen glared, and to their shock dropped twelve platinums into Glitch’s palm.
“YOU want under the skirt?!” Glitch gaped, only to get a surprisingly effective scathing look from the teen.
“At leas’ a hand. YOUR hand, fellers,” the teen said.
Cain sighed. “Well at least he knows we’re both men.”
“Tin Men or smoochin’!” the teen roared, startling Glitch into action, scraping Cain up against the wall with a kiss that was more like Glitch falling on top of Cain’s lips really really hard. Which, really, was what happened, but still. It was a kiss.
“…Glitch, I will never be able to show my face if-”
“I get it, Cain,” Glitch hissed, gritting his teeth. “We’re stuck.”
Cain blinked, and noticed the glaringly absent and vitally important pimp cane. “Oh no-”
Glitch kissed him again, this time an actual kiss, and not a fall-on-top-of-your-closed-lips type. He dug into Cain’s mouth, wincing at the searing, jarring pain in his leg. It lessened a little bit as Cain quickly wrapped his arms around Glitch (albeit loosely, since his suit was so slippery), taking some of the weight as he kissed back very slowly.
Oh no, Glitch thought dismally, remembering that Cain had just been smashed into a wall after he’d already been smashed into the ground earlier. The wig had to have padded the slam, but Cain had to be seriously hurt. Determined to not let that happen again, Glitch decided to screw his broken leg - he could get DG or Az or someone to magic it back up, hopefully - and pivoted hard, putting himself against the alley wall, squishing the poor hat. Cain gasped at the move, and Glitch yanked the suit jacket off so that Cain could hold him up easier.
“Kiss me,” Glitch hissed, and Cain complied, their lips moving hard and hot against each other, one of Cain’s hands sliding up to the back of Glitch’s head, tangling in his hair and making Glitch whimper, instinctively arching, grinding against Cain. He could feel the sequins through his shirt, smooth and sharp and sliding right over them both. Cain yanked off the sunglasses and flung them to the side, snapping them in half and biting Glitch’s ear.
And that was not pleasant. He hissed, digging his dull fingernails hard into…Glitch blinked. Apparently Cain’s dress had a very low back, and wow, his skin was…
Glitch practically purred, kissing a wide-eyed Cain long and indulgently, dark eyes smirking as he ran his hands up to Cain’s shoulders, and then he dragged his fingernails right back down, barely touching, and ended up slammed into the wall, practically wrapped around Cain (surprisingly good for his broken leg!), who seemed determined to kill Glitch with his tongue. Which seemed quite a pleasant death, really, Glitch thought to himself as he instinctively pulled the wig off, tossing the loose thing aside and feeling that short, real blond hair on Cain’s head.
He was trying to remember something about skirts, but Cain was just…intoxicating. He was getting as drunk off this as the kid-
The kid!
Glitch moved down, biting Cain’s shoulder, only to whimper when Cain started on giving him a very, very thorough hickey that felt so damn good - no! Skirt! Lift the skirt! End of contract!
But gods, the things Cain could do with his tongue…
Glitch gave up his morality, deciding he could chalk it up to a glitch, and pressed himself flush against Cain, and that startled the blond enough that he looked up at Glitch, who grinned viciously and kissed him painfully sweetly, nice and slow and probably driving them both crazy at being so warm, so close to each other, the massive amount of feeling that Glitch hadn’t felt in so long. Hands around his waist, a leg between his own, Glitch thanking all that was holy that the dress had a slit, sliding his hand across the fabric and down, through the slit and around Cain’s thigh-
“Niiiice,” the teen said, and it took them a moment to wake up, to remember to breathe without each other, to think that oh hey, they didn’t have to be kissing and it was all to get rid of a troublesome drunk kid. “Best I’s seen in a looooong time.”
“Th-thanks,” Glitch said, his body literally shaking, Cain’s head resting on his shoulder.
“I’mma go home now. ‘S a beau’ful night, have a nice’n,” the teen said amicably, and actually waved goodbye, running off.
“…shit,” Cain said, very clearly, into Glitch’s shirt.
“Um.” Glitch said, for some reason feeling like punching a wall or screaming or crying or something, but instead staring straight at the opposite wall. Now is not the time to ask if he would be interested in a romantic relationship, that logical part of that empty part of his head said. You are both in pain, tired, and were pressed into a physical relationship. Even if you ask and he says yes, your relationship will be shallow and fail very quickly.
So, instead, Glitch said “My leg really hurts” and Cain practically leapt aside, scrounging around the considerable amount of clothing and accessories now strewn about the alleyway and finding the cane. Glitch grabbed the suit’s jacket and put it on slowly.
Cain looked more like Cain now, even though he was still wearing a red (backless oh gods) dress. But he handed Glitch the cane and immediately pulled the heels off and grabbing the bag. The hat came out, along with the boots, and his coat.
And, most notably, the gun. It looked strangely elegant, crossed over the dress and tied securely.
“We can move faster if I’m not wearing heels,” Cain muttered.
Glitch jut nodded, still staring and hating himself for it.
“…Are you feeling okay? Your leg, I mean?” Cain asked, blushing slightly.
“Hurts, but I’ll be fine,” Glitch managed to say reasonably normal.
“Good,” Cain said.
“Good,” Glitch nodded.
And they headed back out, making it to the palace in eighteen minutes.
---
When you’ve snagged your Tin Man, the hardest part is keeping him! Remind him it’s not just a one-time fling! Tell him it’s not just a one night stand! If you have to, tell him you’re pregnant! The best way to keep his attention is lots of hot, kinky, dirty, heavy sex, and the addiction which comes with that!
But most importantly remember that the addiction is there for one reason - to keep him hooked to you, and hopefully, to fall in love with you.
---
The palace guards stared, but let them through. Cain immediately retreated with the bag while one of the palace’s healers looked over his broken leg. Apparently he had splinted it better than anyone untrained could ever have done, so he guessed he’d been trained at some point. Within five minutes they had his pants off and an official cast was put onto his leg.
Cain had brought the bag back unnoticed during the procedure, which made Glitch want to slam his head into the wall because he needed to talk to him, and hopefully do more than just talk after said talk, but he could tell when The Avoidance Game was about to begin.
So, Glitch decided to ignore that intelligent bit of the nothing in his head, and, still in the white nightgown and crutches, dashing down the hallway, he managed to dodge the furious, terrified healer and reached unheard-of-on-crutches speeds. He raced up the ramps in the palace, heading straight for Cain’s bedroom.
He didn’t turn the doorknob or knock this time. With a grimace of determination, he slung his feet straight into the door, sending both it and him crashing to the ground of Cain’s quarters.
A very surprised Tin Man stared at him from where he was hanging up a ridiculous sequined, backless red dress in the corner of his closet.
“You…I…YOU,” Glitch panted, shaking his head to get rid of the blur the world had turned into. “YOU. I…I wasn’t finished with you!”
Cain helped him to his feet, and then when Glitch screamed at the pain in his leg, helped him onto the only horizontal surface in the room aside from the floor - the bed. He stuck the crutches next to the bed, and stood at the baseboard, just…staring at Glitch.
“You just kicked down two-and-a-half inches of oak.”
“I need to talk to you!” Glitch snapped, pointing at him. “The alley, the…the kissing or whatever you want to call it, I wasn’t done and I really really like you and have for a while but never thought to think of it and YOU, Mister Tin Man, you just just just STOPPED and…I. I don’t know, I just was happy and felt like everything was-”
Cain kissed him.
Honestly, they’d had MUCH better kisses, but it’d do for now.
“Not done with me?” Cain smirked over him. “Well, that’s pretty good for us both.”
“Then why’d you stop?!”
“YOU stopped, that’s why!”
“I didn’t stop! I was more than happy to keep going!”
“You said your leg was-”
“Oh come on, Cain, you know that was just an excuse-”
Cain kissed him again. It was a lot better this time, and Glitch was pretty happy that it wasn’t a Cain in a not-Cain way, but Cain, completely, utterly Cain.
“Feel like having your wicked way with me?” Cain grinned.
“Oh do I ever.” Glitch smiled back, and completely ignored his leg for the rest of the night.
---
:D
AND OH MY GOD GUYS LOOK LOOK goldbryn DREW THEM IN THEIR EVER SO STEALTY CAMOUFLAGE!!!!