Aspasia - Post Scare - Near DC - II of II

[luciac]

X 'hmmms' softly and meets Aspasia's gaze. "What would you have gained from brutality?"

"Satisfaction."



"You could rip him limb from limb, void your bladder in his eyes, pull his entrails for stringing a guitar, and what would that get you? A mess.” Xeneia retorts.

Even that would not be enough to stop my pain.

*And you can be so much more creative when you kill, Amazon. You know it. *

"This is not the way of the beast, for beasts do not avenge. This is not the way of the man, for men are rational and know that a dead man ceases to be anything but meat. This is not the way of woman, for a woman knows that the heart's pain and the body's pain are as different as night and day. I ask again, what would this have gained you?"

Perhaps Aspasia’s gaze is not quite rational, or perhaps it is that she lets her beast shine forth in words for a moment, but her tone is cold. "It is the way of a Vrykolaka. Deal pain when pain has been given. I would sleep, perhaps peacefully for a change, even if his pain was brief and could not be measured against mine. I would gain that. Be ability to relive his death again and again, instead of Hisa's. I would revel instead of be haunted."

The Amazon flexes her fingers as it remembering in that moment how it felt to claw across Winterbourne’s eyes, brutal and swift.

X sips her tea silently for a moment. Quietly, with steel in her voice, she replies, "There is not a damned thing in this world that will stop you from being haunted by the death of the child of your body and of your heart. Vrykolaka or no."

Jack sips his tea and attempts to spontaneously learn Obfuscate.

Aspasia frowns. Sitting down is suddenly too confining for her. She eases out of the seat and stands up. "Knowing her killer is dead, helps. Doing it myself, helps. Seeing the terror in his eyes, before I blinded him, helps."

For a moment, there is pain in the Amazon's eyes. "But, you are right in this. It will not make me forget what I saw and felt and what I dream. But I would kill him again. Now, were he before me and not with the mercy I showed before."

What good has mercy served. There is still the pain.

Hisa.

Dallas.

The shorter woman looks up at Aspasia, her hands clutching tightly around her mug. "I know."

The Amazon leans against the wall beside her, runs the fingers of one hand through her hair. "He didn't suffer enough. I should have made him suffer longer. More. If he'd had a child, killed it before him."

A childe? How stupid not to have asked. Childer will make of this a vendetta against my house.

If they exist.

"I didn't think to ask if he had a brood of his own. Or if those in his service were his progeny." Aspasia pauses, "I hope they were. I hope he felt their deaths keenly."

There is a soft sigh. "As do I... but ... " Xeneia’s mouth quirks into a small, rueful smile. "I doubt he had the capability to love as you do."

"Love? No. He wanted power not love. That was all his plans and thoughts were focused on. Taking power from others, replacing those in power." Aspasia folds her arms across her chest. "While I may be a monster, he was more so and the world is better for his death."

And the world is so much less for Hisa’s passing.

Aspasia exhales, "I miss her."

"The pain only eases to a dull ache, but it is there, a constant." She tilts her head down, placing a hand over her mouth and falls silent.

"I know, kore. It has been many hundreds of years since I lost my son. I miss him still. It hurts still.” Xeneia murmurs, "Pain keeps us… human."

Jack blurts out "Why?" before he manages to shut his mouth. His face shows that he instantly regrets the question.

X turns to Jack, cocking her head to one side in confusion.

"Why what?"

Jack clearly looks nervous. "It's nothing, forget it," he mutters.

She frowns.

"Why WHAT, Jack?"

Jack opens his mouth, stops, closes it, sighs, and sits further back in his chair, his hat hiding his eyes as he looks down at his hands. "Why do you both still hold this pain?" he says quietly.

Clearly deferring the right to answer first to Xeneia, Aspasia looks at the other woman, while gripping the leather strap of her necklace in one hand.

X looks stricken by the question. Her fingers tighten around the mug and it cracks, seeping tea onto the table and her hands.

She bites her lower lip for a moment, looking down at her hands.

"Because this is what it is to be a mother."

It is the worst part. Our childer are supposed to outlive us.

Jack nods, a little too quickly. "That's all I wanted to know," he says, as he gets up to find a towel.

"Sit down, Jack," she growls quietly.

Jack stops, sighs again, looks up at the ceiling briefly, whispers something, and sits back down.

"What is pain, Jack?" Xeneia asks softly.

"Pain is your mind or body's way of telling you that something is wrong, that there's something you need to fix."

She laughs quietly, mirthlessly.

"Have you ever done something that you knew was the right thing to do, but caused you pain?"

"You mean besides now?" he muttered.

A look of slight confusion colors Aspasia's face as she looks more directly at Jack - well the top of his hat anyhow.

She glances at Xeneia, then asks out loud, "Explain?"

Jack looks up at Aspasia for a moment, then glances at his sire, before looking back to answer her question. "I... I ain't exactly comfortable with having asked the questions I did, or probably the questions that may come later, but..."

He suddenly takes his hat off and tosses it to the back of the RV. "Aw, hell. I'm in this, might as well see it through." He looks back at Aspasia, his eyes flashing with intensity, although whether it is rage or some other emotion is hard to tell. "Months ago, I said I went to go talk to God, to find my place in things. Well, He ain't exactly chatty, so most of the time I just wandered, thinking about things. I realized that a lot of folks, for whatever reason, respect and look up to me, so I've gotta start acting like someone worthy of that respect,
non?

You don’t have to be anything other than what you are, Jack. Or do other than what you normally would.

"So I promised myself I'd keep my damned mouth shut. Stop being an ass, stop talking all the damned time, just say what needed to be said, and not getting into fights with folks. But it ain't working. I ain't that man. I feel like no matter how much I sit on things, the questions keep bubbling up in me. Before I know it, my mouth is open
and they just fly out.”

"Maybe...." He wipes his forehead with his sleeve absently, although there's no sign of sweat -- a motion of habit. "Maybe it's His punishment for my sins. Maybe my mortal years of lying and cheating means now I ain't able to speak nothing but... but uncomfortable truths, or at least truth as I understand it. I ain't no oracle or prophet, but I can't keep myself from asking the one question no one is asking, saying the one thing that no one wants to hear."

He sighs and leans back. "And right now, all that keeps hammering in the back of my skull is a question on how both of y'all can sit here and claim feelings of motherhood when both of you have also said that you'd rob another mother of her son if they crossed you."

Because I am not just a mother. I am a monster. Monsters kill. Mothers will kill to defend their young. In this my beast and soul are as one.

X's expression softens slightly. "I did not say I'd do it, Jack. Only that I know and understand the desire."

But I would. Without hesitation.

He falls silent finally, his eyes looking off into the distance, looking spent, as if the passion had run all out of him. "I saw too many brothers and sons killed in the war," he murmurs. "Captain Jack Spade, butcher of the 2nd Florida Infantry...."

Aspasia’s attention drifts, while Jack speaks on. A priest should not be enmeshed in war. That was wrong, for them to call you to arms in the first place.

"… the Man always regrets it. Revenge like that -- desires like that -- that's the Beast talking, pure and simple. Mixing it up with love is just a trick of the Beast, a way to turn a vampire from a thinking monster to an unthinking one."

X searches the ceiling as if looking for answers.

"Jack, do you regret killing those men in the war?

Jack smirks, but the humor doesn't reach his eyes. "The correct sentence, mere, is 'getting those men killed.' And yes, I do. You know that."

Enough. He should not punish himself.

"I am a monster, Jack. And I would kill not only to avenge my family, but to protect it." Aspasia interjects. "I killed Winterbourne because he took Hisa from me. /For no other reason./ Not for the others who died as well, not because what he did was wrong, but because he took from /me/."

"I have killed in war, in anger, in need. I have killed because I was far more beast than anything else and the right or wrong of it did not matter." Her voice is steady, more a recitation than conversation. "I have killed and found it easy to do so."

Jack shakes his head. "I ain't saying we shouldn't kill. Well, we /shouldn't/, but we all have, and for good reason, too. That ain't it. The point is /delighting/ in it, savoring it like a wine, or even empathizing with that sort of enjoyment. That's where the Beast lies."

And mine is such a comfortable relationship, the Beast and I.

X purses her lips. "There are more grey areas in this life than you account for, child."

Jack smirks, but this time the humor reaches his eyes. "Seems like you were hoping for a bit less gray a few nights ago, mere."

She barks a laugh.

"Doesn't mean I don't recognize that they're there."

She glances to Aspasia, and sighs. "But you have a point, too. Which is partly what I wanted to say. Pain -- heart's pain, not the body's -- reminds us that we are thinking, feeling beings. That we have a heart to wound and a soul to maim."

Jack nods and puts his hat back on, returning to his usual slump in his chair.

His sire reaches over and plucks his hat off his head, depositing it on the table.

"You wanted honest, you get honest. I want to see your eyes when I'm talking to you."

He looks up, surprised. "I... uh... thought you were done?"

She gestures to the broken teacup and to Aspasia. "Does this look like something finished simply?"

"Non. However, I expected that we would turn the conversation back to Aspasia, we'd give her advice and support like we always do, then you'd give me hell when she left like you always do. In the meantime,
I figured I would be able to sit back and enjoy another cup of tea before I get my ass kicked again."

Aspasia leans forward, across the small table, as if to cut off any impending arguments over Jack’s words. "It will take a great deal of time I think for me to regret any of my actions in Tulsa. And even longer to patch my soul up. Because I did savor his death. I wanted more of it and more of his pain."

She looks down to see the marks of her claws across bleeding eye sockets. Hears the whimpering, given no words, for her foe has no tongue.

And she comtemplates where to cut him next. Inexpert, she may be now, but who knows what the fog will give up if she starts playing with her prey?

"But that does not make you a monster -- or no more than you were, or that any of us are. An animal will chew through its own limbs to escape a trap, or greater pain. You took cooler counsel in slaying that villain, and you have come here for... comfort, you ponder your actions. You are greater than the sum of your urges, kore.”

Am I, Xeneia? There are times I start to doubt.

“… you should be proud, as your daughter would be proud of you. Your daughter was a warrior, yes? Then she would know the rewards of self-control, and wish them for you."

Then, Xeneia turns to Jack. "And you, you little shit, can learn to be better than the sum of YOUR urges too, and do not mock what you have not felt."

His face goes cold, quickly. "You think I'm /mocking/ you, mere?" He stammers for a second, then snatches his hat and, quickly muttering excuses to Aspasia, storms out of the RV.

Aspasia stares at the doorway to the outside.

I am not helping by being here. They have problems and don’t need to be burdened with mine

*Besides got what you came for, Amazon. It’s not so bad as to panic Jack. So he’s seen you worse than this.*

"He's ... hm," The woman looks at Xeneia. "Maybe I should go as well. Leave things for you two to discuss without a guest about?"

Xeneia punches the wall of the Winnebago once, then slumps in her seat.

"No, no, we can fight when he gets back. It's not like we don't do it on a regular basis anyway, and I'm also quite sure you're not surprised to see he has a temper. I'm more concerned with you."

From outside, they hear a muffled shout. "Stop hitting my haven!"

Xeneia groans. The Amazon blinks, then frowns slightly, causing a wrinkle to form over the bridge of her nose.
In Greek, she continues, "Please," She scrubs a hand over her face. "I don't... this is not a subject I had broached with Jack before. It will be ... interesting ... later. But for now I am weary, and wish to talk to my friend, whom I worry for.

Aspasia nods, inhales a slow breath, then answers her old friend. "I am out of balance. I know that.” She lifts a hand and taps her fingers on the side of her temple, "I know that in my mind. I think, perversely I wanted to fall further. Not to be any measure of kind, not to be able to touch reason or compassion when I found Winterbourne.”

The Amazon gestures with open hands, palms to the sky, “But, Raven kept interfering. He took my kills, when we work working our way through the servitors to the monster himself." She frowns again with a shake of her head. "Had he done it even once more, I think I would have attacked him in anger."

He was acting not as if I was a fellow warrior. Not as if I already knew the price and was willing to pay for my actions.

*Not his equal.*

But, he was doing so from love. Caring. Not a need to make me less.

*Or so you hope, Amazon.*

Xeneia nods, idly pushing around the bits of broken crockery on the table in front of her.

"It would not be like you, I think, to want the bare minimum. You are a woman of passion, as befits your... people. But now the death is come, and you do not wish -- I think -- to harm your friends. So what
now will you do for healing?"

“Ah, there is a question." Aspasia exhales. She tilts her head back, looking thoughtful. "Should I even try, Xeneia? Right now I am being pulled to the cardinal directions, always by a crisis, always involving danger and death. Exodus is less humane, Brooke less so than I.” The woman looks quizzical as she asks, “Do circumstances of the danse demand that as payment now, to lead the Clan and keep them safe?"

"Perhaps." Xeneia furrows her brow. "But perhaps it merely shows the wisdom requisite of leadership. If you cannot know when you must step down for your own sanity, then who are you to lead others? To be a great hunter is only one thing. To be a great woman is something else."

Leaning forward again, with a bent arm, gesturing to the other woman, Aspasia answers, "Or there is this. I need to be willing to use fang and claw and not just make a show of it. It is easier and my threats, when used, carry more weight now, being less humane than I have been for some decades lasting."

Xeneia frowns. "A good imperatrix leads through nobility and judgment, not only fear."

And that is why I must care. Because others choose to follow me.

Aspasia exhales. "I know I should be worried more for what I have lost." She touches a hand over her heart. "I know it, but I don't yet feel it. Perhaps that is, as you have said, I have come here for comfort and advice."

The other woman nods quietly.

"I needed to be away from the others. Those of the clan there present, and from my childer - who will alternately try to lecture me and then smother me."

Xeneia chuckles.

She places her other elbow on the table and leans forward, resting her chin top the fingers of her clasped hands.

"Perhaps the Oracle will give insight."

"If you will excuse the platitude, kore, the answer will only be found inside your heart, and only with prayer. If ...the Oracle... will help place your feet on the right paths to your heart, then you should go to her."

Aspasia tilts her head, looking over at X, still resting her chin on her folded fingers. "She will see Kinkaid and I when the next full moon is in the sky, so in little over a week's time."

"I shall have to travel to the western coast for that. But, the process is in motion."

X nods. "This is good. What, then, can I offer you while you are still here?"

"A refuge." She exhales. "My family is to close to this. Exodus’ line...," Aspasia pauses.

"He is a hard man to read at times. And frustrating and my daughter doesn't help in that."

The Amazon straightens up. "He is to adopt her into his house. Become her father." The woman doesn't bother to try and mask the conflicted emotions that the thought creates in her.

Shock flickers across X's face. "BECOME her father?"

Aspasia nods somberly. "Reparations. I killed his son. I took a child. Now I must give a child."

"My eldest daughter." Her shoulders slump just a touch as if a burden was laid across them.

How can I bear it. Hisa and Jessica both lost to me? This is not right. Not.

Involuntarily, X moves to embrace the other woman. "My god, Aspasia."

Aspasia leans into the embrace for a moment, then stiffens a bit. "It is better than blood for blood, Xeneia." She murmurs, "I offered him my life in payment. He would not accept it."

A hand comes up to cover her eyes.

Xeneia does not release the other woman from her embrace. "Shh, kore, shhh. It is better only that it does not sacrifice another life. We both know this will cause more pain than the other."

Pain unending. Just as in Tartarus. We know it. The gods know it. He knows it.

And it does not change what must come to pass.

"You don't know the full length of it." She whispers, "He is kinder and more forgiving than I would be."

Aspasia corrects herself, "Than I have proven to be."

The Amazon explains, when she looks up to see Xeneia’s puzzled expression. "Exodus did not want more death from it. No more than I. And I would not have killed Dallas, but that there was no choice. My oath was forced to it. I would not permit any other hand to touch him. Diablerist or no.”

Aspasia gestures weakly with a shrug of her shoulders as she leans against the other woman. “Exodus would not take my life. Instead, He first asked me to take Dallas place myself as one of his brood."

Xeneia rocks her softly, saying nothing.

"Too many reasons why it would be wrong. Bad for the clan, and for our families. So we consulted the Oracle and in ritual, she said to me - 'You have taken a child. Now you must give a child.' "

Aspasia shakes her head. "Jessica has demanded she be the one. She is Exodus' confessor you see. They know each other. She is close to him."

"My eldest daughter."

The woman falls silent.

"And he will keep her safe? He will guard her and make her thrive, as a foster father should?" Xeneia murmurs.

"If not, I believe that Raven would. And that is much the same." Aspasia replies in a half-whisper.

Out of the love he has for her. If not the bond he shares with me. Yes, I know /he/ will guard her and protect her.

"Still, I lose another, though I am coming to accept it. That is the right thing to do. It is custom. An alliance bond, to seal a pact and prevent more deaths."

Xeneia nods in understanding."In such ways are dynasties formed. You know that she will always be the child of your blood, and he will know that you and he are tied."
-
"Yes. A bond that can not be cast aside or broken." She replies in a soft tone of voice, then falls silent.