An Autumn Breeze's Whisper
Title: An Autumn Breeze's Whisper
Author: Lucifer (Gabrielle)
Pairing: YunJae, YunRa
Genre(s): romance, angst, drama
Rating: PG-13
Length: One-shot
Summary: It wasn't fair. She had everything. And him? He only had Yunho. But he told himself that it was enough.
‘Jaejoong?’ Yunho asked softly as he continued to gently stroke the black locks of his boyfriend, awed at how soft the tresses felt in his coarse hands. They had just finished their second round of love-making, and he could see that the older was getting sleepy by his cute, kittenish yawns and droopy eyes. He smiled as he heard the purrs that escaped the other’s plump, smiling lips as he ran his hands through the ebony strands of the other, caressing the soft texture.
‘Hmmm?’ Jaejoong’s sleep-laden voice drifted harmoniously through the still of the night as he snuggled and leaned against the soothing touch of his lover’s hand on his head, marveling at the warm and comforting action.
Hesitancy was obvious in Yunho’s eyes as his heart-shaped lips opened and closed repeatedly, questions swiveling in his mind. Should he ask? Finally, after what seemed like eternity, he gathered enough courage to voice out his question. ‘Are you… happy with your life?’ Almost instantly, Jaejoong’s head snapped up to look at his lover with quizzical eyes, eyebrows furrowed. And even in the midst of the serious atmosphere, Yunho couldn’t help but find the sight rather adorable.
‘Why do you ask, Yunho?’
‘Well, because… you know, about you and your sister and all…’ Nervousness was evident in Yunho’s voice. And suddenly, he regretted ever bringing the topic up when he looked into blank canvas of his boyfriend’s face. ‘Umm, you don’t have to answer-’
However, he was cut off when Jaejoong broke into a chuckle, his voice sounding so melodious in his beloved’s ears. Yunho looked at the other male, confused. Was he not mad? He was about to ask what was so funny, but Jaejoong had beaten him to talking. ‘Yun, I’ll be honest with you, okay?’ he asked, smiling softly. Yunho nodded, unsure of where this was going. Before the older continued, he took a deep breath. ‘I don’t have what Ara has. I don’t have my parents’ love, my friends’ support or my relatives’ acknowledgement. All this years, I have been living in the shadow of my arrogant sister who can get her way with a snap of the fingers. But…’
‘But?’
Jaejoong smiled. ‘I love my life just the way it is. Even if I could, I wouldn’t trade my life for my sister’s in a billion years, in fact, even in eternity! To me, my life is perfect, just how it is,’ the beautiful boy said, his voice filled with goodness and sincerity.
‘But why…?’ Yunho’s words drifted.
At the question, Jaejoong playfully raised an eyebrow. ‘You know, you make it seem as if you want me to suffer-’
‘N-No! T-that’s not what I-’ Yunho was cut off by a kiss.
Pulling back, Jaejoong smiled even widely than before. Hugging the taller man’s torso, he said, ‘Because I have you. And as long as you love me for Kim Jaejoong, honestly, there’s nothing better in life that I can ever ask for. Well, except maybe a baby between us.’ The last part was said in a joking manner, but Yunho could sense a trail of pathetic hope in the words.
And as the younger allowed himself to be lost in those black, doe-like eyes of his boyfriend, he found himself falling another inch too deep.
**
As that piece of memory from years back danced in his mind, a certain blonde (he had dyed his hair from black to dirty blonde after realizing that he liked experimenting with new hairstyles and colors) couldn’t help but recall the day’s events in great detail. But of course he would remember it very well. After all, what’s there more mind-engraving than rushing home to see your lover, only to find him on top of your sister right? Jaejoong snorted at his own sarcasm. However, as much as he tried to ignore the deep hurt and betrayal that was practically stabbed into his heart, he couldn’t control himself from clenching the sheets of the hospital bed.
Four years…
Four years, he had been cheated on by the man he once called his other half.
Four years, his feelings had all along been played by his bitch of a sister.
No, Jaejoong couldn’t even bear considering that bitch as a human, much less blood related to him. The thought just sickened him to the core and anger merely boiled within him once more.
‘Jaejoong…’ Ah, so the devil himself had arrived.
Gathering his steeliest eyes and coldest tone, he turned to face his ex-lover as of the day. ‘What.’ It was more of a demand rather than a question, but Yunho flinched at the harshness all the same.
‘I thought that I’d buy food for you,’ uttered the taller man as he looked down in shame, unable to meet the other’s eyes. All the while looking at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the room, he walked over to Jaejoong, placing the food he had bought on the nearby table next to the bed. ‘H-How are you feeling?’
‘Pristine,’ Jaejoong replied in a sardonic manner, rolling his eyes as he turned away once again to the window that showed him the sunset of the purple evening. Yunho winced at the cold mockery in his boyfriend’s - ex-boyfriend’s - tone of voice.
‘I-’
‘Yunho.’ The man’s head snapped up upon the call. Pulling himself together, he willed his head to tilt up. He had almost wanted to breathe out a sigh of relief when he saw that he and the other man were not facing each other, but it got caught in his throat when the older male suddenly turned back to look directly into Yunho’s chocolate eyes. And instead of the harsh accusing eyes he had readied himself for, the taller man found himself meeting with soft, uncertain eyes. ‘Yunho.’ This time, the name was said in such a gentle manner that the younger was almost fooled into thinking that the other had forgiven him. The name had rolled off so easily and sweetly from Jaejoong’s tongue, that he was tempted to say it again, but refrained himself from doing so in the end.
‘What is it, Jaejoong?’
‘All these years - was there even one time when you truly loved me, and not my sister whom you see in me?’ the question was asked with so much doubt and insecurity that Yunho couldn’t help but feel as if he belonged to hell for ever hurting such an innocent soul.
Truth be told, the younger didn’t know how to answer the question. He wanted to say ‘yes’, but Jaejoong might mistake it as a mere way of comforting him, and what was left of his pride would only be shattered if he took it the wrong way. But if Yunho were to say no, Jaejoong would still be hurt nevertheless. The brown-eyed man sighed inwardly. When did a ‘yes or no’ question turn out to be so complicated?
‘Yes.’
Jaejoong didn’t question the other’s response; just stare at him, lost and scared, the feelings displayed clearly in his big doe-like eyes. After a few minutes, the patient turned back to the view outside of the window. ‘Okay. That’s enough, I guess.’
Yunho looked at the fragile character, before softly asking, ‘What was that?’
‘It’s enough that…’ Jaejoong gulped. ‘It’s enough that, you had actually sincerely loved me for me, for Jaejoong and not, Ara. Because if so, then at least it wasn’t a complete lie. My death wish… that is, ever since I found out I had leukemia… it was always to die with the knowledge that someone cared, appreciated, loved me. And knowing you did just that, even if it wasn’t permanent… it’s enough. Thank you, Yun.’
The taller man felt his heart clench in longing at the familiarity of the nickname. He could almost hear the heart of the other shattering into pieces, but when he reached out a hand for the blonde, he was stopped.
‘No.’
‘Jaejoong…’
‘Please… just don’t.’
‘But why?’
Jaejoong bit his lower lip; why did Yunho have to make everything so hard for him? ‘Because… if you do, I will cry.’ He paused, before continuing, ‘If you hold out your arms right now, I will be the fool again and run back into your arms, arms of the one who will only bring tears of grief to my eyes if I were to stay with him as the fool I am. If you smile at me, I will fall back into your arms that do not even give a guarantee of catching me. So please…’ he choked on his breath. ‘Please, just… leave.’
Yunho’s fingers twitched with the desire to touch the other, but alas, the digits curled up into a fist before its owner forcefully pulled it back. The taller man then turned around and walked away from the older, frustration and so much more emotions welled up inside of him. The door slammed shut, and the bang was apparent as the sound echoed throughout the sound-proof room.
No goodbyes.
Nothing.
Yunho had walked out of Jaejoong’s life, and until the very last second, he was unable to catch the pool of tears that streamed down the latter’s flushed cheeks. Tears that screamed desperately at Yunho to not leave him.
Please…