(no subject)
There comes points in our lives where we are forced to stop, look back, and clean up. Points that force the truth down our throats, and cause us to reconsider our past decisions. Just swallow the pill and think of me no longer, just let go and take yourself out.
I've matured more in the past two months than i've been able to my entire life. And my heart honestly breaks when I think of you, I understand now what I-love-you means, It's doing the right thing no matter of the consequences. I've looked at each and every one of my friendships and made some pretty drastic decisions. I have moved away from dwelling on past inadvertences and have just basically grown out of a lot of old habits. I have spent the past month putting myself before others for the first time in my life, and what has come of that are results most have been disappointed in. I have, in a sense, annulled half of my attachments, and have focused on the ones that actually matter. I'm tying you up, using the nicest lace, trying to kill you softly, trying to erase your face. I'm currently taking medication for my mood, with hopes of gaining stabilization in some areas.
I have always been, and always will be a walking aberration, and that will always be something I am judged for. I have always paid for everything concerning myself, and those independent tendencies haven't left me. I make my own choices and decisions every day, and lately that has become a task all of its own.
For the first time in what seems like forever, i'm glad that I am alive and have made it through the amount of shit i've been through, and in saying that, I have no regrets. Every single thing we do, the good and bad, we learn from, and the amount of knowledge i've accumulated from mistakes in the past three years could kill a few minds. I have a lot more to learn, a lot more to go through, and I can honestly say that i'm ready and prepared to take on anything.
In the past few months, i've thought mainly about my relationships on this island. I know that half of the people I associate with wouldn't be there if I fell. I know that I would never and could never, depend on any of them. That's life. That's love. It's nice to get a hundred smiling faces through the day and random acknowledgments, but it's all just a part of the high school social life. We make friends; we keep friends, to appear popular and wanted. That basis is what brings down half of our population. It's fucking sickening. There is about 15 people that I know for sure, that would drop everything to be there for me. I don't need anything more than that.
I could rant for hours about the changes and thoughts i've amounted in the past few months, but i'm done.
I am happier now than I have ever been.
And if any of you can't accept that, that's your grief, certainly not mine.
All the while I'm doing my best
Not to rub my love against your head
I'd redecorate the walls with your inner thoughts
But I'm afraid it's the wrong shade of red
But I have these sadistic urges
And I don't want to take it out on you
Right now you're the only one who understands my plight
Right now you're the only reason
I can't sleep through the night