jealousy
I'm keeping this post public because this is an essential part of who I am and it gives everyone a brief peek into the kind of person I am. Atrocious as it is.
Jealousy
Ever since I was young, jealousy has been a huge issue with me, although I never truly recognized that. In elementary school I would see girls in beautiful dresses with flower prints and I would be upset that I didn't have as many dresses. I remember looking longingly at this one girl's dress with a beautiful sash and feeling disgusting next to her. I remember thinking that some of these girls around me with their porcelain skin and beautiful outfits were gorgeous and that I would never live up to their beauty. My parents have always told my sister and me that we're the most gorgeous girls they know and that other people stare at us because we're so pretty. Well of course we didn't (and don't) believe them because they're our parents, and therefore biased.
Speaking of the porcelain skin, my heritage has been an issue for me ever since I was…9 or so? I used to not mind being Indian, but that slowly changed. It's an odd feeling to stand out in a sea of white and be that brown speck. It gets annoying to walk into a store with my parents and have people squint at us wondering why we are with them. I began to hate the color of my skin and began to bitterly despise not having blue or green eyes instead of my dark, boring brown ones. It bothered me that I'd never really have a chance to dye my hair like some of the girls around me began to do, because lets face it, having anything but dark hair on me would look ridiculous.
As I got older, my jealousy began to expand beyond just physical appearances. Sixth grade was the first year where there were "honor" classes, i.e., more challenging English and Math classes. I got my first awful grade in math, and stayed in the regular program. I was crushed. I felt stupid and I was scared sick about telling my parents (not that it troubled them, they were perfectly fine with me and not angry at all). I ached to be smarter. I wanted to be on the top of my class, to be that child that adults respected instead of the average girl I was.
In 8th grade I felt a jealousy that crushed me: at our school, a certain group of girls became the "popular crowd." They were the ones who did all the exciting, dramatic things: they began to experiment with smoking pot, drinking alcohol, making out with guys and wearing sluttier clothes. The rest of the girls in my grade scoffed at them, but secretly we all wanted to be a part of their group. That was also a time in my life when I was starting to worry about never getting my first kiss. I desperately wanted to be one of those girls that guys teased and flirted with. I actually wanted them to make crude jokes about me because then that would have proved that I was attractive in their eyes instead of the awkward, shy Indian girl that I was.
This desperation to be popular continued till the end of my sophomore year in high school. When myspace and facebook started becoming popular, I would without fail read their blogs and look at their pictures. They had guys hanging off them, pictures where they were smashed and ones in their bras and thongs. They ruled our grade and I wanted to be apart of that. I wanted to be what I thought was cool. And as sophomore year went by, I still hadn't been kissed and I was convinced that I was the most hideous and obnoxious girl to guys. It didn't help that my best friend flirted with every guy (and well, may I add), to the point where she had crowds of guys anxiously wondering if she would date them.
The end of sophomore year, I was drinking with two of my friends (I drank and smoked pot at every opportunity I had-which wasn't that often- so that I would have stories to share if those type of conversations ever came up). I drank approximately 9 shots of vodka or so in a half hour. I'm already a lightweight, so that hit me hard. I began crying until I was choking and trying to cut myself and I remember trying to shove my entire arm down my throat so that I could get rid of the taste and pain.
I also got my first kiss over the summer before junior year. That combined with my drinking experience allowed me to give up this notion that being "popular" was so important. I grew into my own person (a slightly obnoxious and loud one I will admit) that didn't care about those sort of things anymore, which has made my life all the more easy. I no longer stare around at my classmates miserably wondering if they could tell that I hadn't been kissed or envying those kind of girls.
No, those insecurities have finally vanished. However, my jealousy remains. It is a huge part of me, and honestly it has shaped me into the person I am today and it constantly destroys me self-esteem. I don't care as much about being Indian anymore, but I still look at magazines and my peers and want desperately to look like them instead of sticking out like a sore thumb. My grades have truly suffered this past year and I feel stupid. I feel the need to compare my grades to others even if they obviously understand the material better. I wish sometimes that I were one of those kids that took tons of AP classes and had a 4.2+ GPA. But I know that's not the kind of person I am. Still, I feel ashamed that I'm not smarter.
I struggle with my weight obviously as well. I need to be skinnier-I need to be special at one thing at least. I can't nor ever will be the prettiest or the smartest or the kindest girl, so being skinny is the one thing I feel like I could accomplish. My entire life people have said they want my body, a=but it isn't enough. I need to be incredibly skinny so that people's heads turn. I cannot be average anymore. I just can't.
And sometimes when I'm browsing people's live journals, my heart aches. Because I'm not spectacular at photography, or art or sports or languages. I'm actually less than average in each of those departments. There are so many pictures of these gorgeous girls that I will never be able to imitate. And it crushes me, because I know that I can't change, but I want so desperately to. I want to be one of those girls who never takes a bad picture or one of those girls who can write beautiful poetry or sound incredibly thoughtful and deep. But no, that will not likely happen. This jealousy consumes me at times to the point where I wonder if I should even attempt to go outside. It makes me feel ashamed to be me and I spend hours sometimes fantasizing about all the things I would do to change myself. A day never goes by where I don't look at some girl wishing I was her. There never goes a day where jealousy doesn't affect me in some way. Right now I'm feeling insecure about not having a boyfriend when everyone around me does, and seeing all the "in a relationship" statuses on facebook stings.
Yes, this is all very dramatic sounding, but jealousy is essentially who I am. I want so desperately to live without it, but I can't. Yes, I know I have to learn to "accept myself" but fuck it, that won't happen anytime soon, no matter what anyone says. I am not looking for compliments or comments denying my assumptions of me. I really am not. What I do want however is for you to grasp who I am, even if it's just a little understanding. Jealousy is me, and it chokes me like vines on a tree.
THE END
Jealousy
Ever since I was young, jealousy has been a huge issue with me, although I never truly recognized that. In elementary school I would see girls in beautiful dresses with flower prints and I would be upset that I didn't have as many dresses. I remember looking longingly at this one girl's dress with a beautiful sash and feeling disgusting next to her. I remember thinking that some of these girls around me with their porcelain skin and beautiful outfits were gorgeous and that I would never live up to their beauty. My parents have always told my sister and me that we're the most gorgeous girls they know and that other people stare at us because we're so pretty. Well of course we didn't (and don't) believe them because they're our parents, and therefore biased.
Speaking of the porcelain skin, my heritage has been an issue for me ever since I was…9 or so? I used to not mind being Indian, but that slowly changed. It's an odd feeling to stand out in a sea of white and be that brown speck. It gets annoying to walk into a store with my parents and have people squint at us wondering why we are with them. I began to hate the color of my skin and began to bitterly despise not having blue or green eyes instead of my dark, boring brown ones. It bothered me that I'd never really have a chance to dye my hair like some of the girls around me began to do, because lets face it, having anything but dark hair on me would look ridiculous.
As I got older, my jealousy began to expand beyond just physical appearances. Sixth grade was the first year where there were "honor" classes, i.e., more challenging English and Math classes. I got my first awful grade in math, and stayed in the regular program. I was crushed. I felt stupid and I was scared sick about telling my parents (not that it troubled them, they were perfectly fine with me and not angry at all). I ached to be smarter. I wanted to be on the top of my class, to be that child that adults respected instead of the average girl I was.
In 8th grade I felt a jealousy that crushed me: at our school, a certain group of girls became the "popular crowd." They were the ones who did all the exciting, dramatic things: they began to experiment with smoking pot, drinking alcohol, making out with guys and wearing sluttier clothes. The rest of the girls in my grade scoffed at them, but secretly we all wanted to be a part of their group. That was also a time in my life when I was starting to worry about never getting my first kiss. I desperately wanted to be one of those girls that guys teased and flirted with. I actually wanted them to make crude jokes about me because then that would have proved that I was attractive in their eyes instead of the awkward, shy Indian girl that I was.
This desperation to be popular continued till the end of my sophomore year in high school. When myspace and facebook started becoming popular, I would without fail read their blogs and look at their pictures. They had guys hanging off them, pictures where they were smashed and ones in their bras and thongs. They ruled our grade and I wanted to be apart of that. I wanted to be what I thought was cool. And as sophomore year went by, I still hadn't been kissed and I was convinced that I was the most hideous and obnoxious girl to guys. It didn't help that my best friend flirted with every guy (and well, may I add), to the point where she had crowds of guys anxiously wondering if she would date them.
The end of sophomore year, I was drinking with two of my friends (I drank and smoked pot at every opportunity I had-which wasn't that often- so that I would have stories to share if those type of conversations ever came up). I drank approximately 9 shots of vodka or so in a half hour. I'm already a lightweight, so that hit me hard. I began crying until I was choking and trying to cut myself and I remember trying to shove my entire arm down my throat so that I could get rid of the taste and pain.
I also got my first kiss over the summer before junior year. That combined with my drinking experience allowed me to give up this notion that being "popular" was so important. I grew into my own person (a slightly obnoxious and loud one I will admit) that didn't care about those sort of things anymore, which has made my life all the more easy. I no longer stare around at my classmates miserably wondering if they could tell that I hadn't been kissed or envying those kind of girls.
No, those insecurities have finally vanished. However, my jealousy remains. It is a huge part of me, and honestly it has shaped me into the person I am today and it constantly destroys me self-esteem. I don't care as much about being Indian anymore, but I still look at magazines and my peers and want desperately to look like them instead of sticking out like a sore thumb. My grades have truly suffered this past year and I feel stupid. I feel the need to compare my grades to others even if they obviously understand the material better. I wish sometimes that I were one of those kids that took tons of AP classes and had a 4.2+ GPA. But I know that's not the kind of person I am. Still, I feel ashamed that I'm not smarter.
I struggle with my weight obviously as well. I need to be skinnier-I need to be special at one thing at least. I can't nor ever will be the prettiest or the smartest or the kindest girl, so being skinny is the one thing I feel like I could accomplish. My entire life people have said they want my body, a=but it isn't enough. I need to be incredibly skinny so that people's heads turn. I cannot be average anymore. I just can't.
And sometimes when I'm browsing people's live journals, my heart aches. Because I'm not spectacular at photography, or art or sports or languages. I'm actually less than average in each of those departments. There are so many pictures of these gorgeous girls that I will never be able to imitate. And it crushes me, because I know that I can't change, but I want so desperately to. I want to be one of those girls who never takes a bad picture or one of those girls who can write beautiful poetry or sound incredibly thoughtful and deep. But no, that will not likely happen. This jealousy consumes me at times to the point where I wonder if I should even attempt to go outside. It makes me feel ashamed to be me and I spend hours sometimes fantasizing about all the things I would do to change myself. A day never goes by where I don't look at some girl wishing I was her. There never goes a day where jealousy doesn't affect me in some way. Right now I'm feeling insecure about not having a boyfriend when everyone around me does, and seeing all the "in a relationship" statuses on facebook stings.
Yes, this is all very dramatic sounding, but jealousy is essentially who I am. I want so desperately to live without it, but I can't. Yes, I know I have to learn to "accept myself" but fuck it, that won't happen anytime soon, no matter what anyone says. I am not looking for compliments or comments denying my assumptions of me. I really am not. What I do want however is for you to grasp who I am, even if it's just a little understanding. Jealousy is me, and it chokes me like vines on a tree.
THE END