la la
I wrote this today.
THE 31 TYPES OF MYSPACE USERS (Or, “Confessions of a MySpace Lurker”)
By Emily Kirchner
After being a member of MySpace.com for over a year, I’ve come to a revelation: There are millions of members, but I keep coming across the same types of people. They may have different names and ages, but they are essentially the same 31 people over and over again. If you are thinking of joining MySpace, here’s a handy little guide to the various users you will encounter.
1.) Preps-Their pages usually have a background of Miley Cyrus or Playboy bunnies. All their graphics are alarmingly pink and sparkly. They often have icons proclaiming "Cutie" or "Everyone loves a blond." In the “Interests” section, they always post pictures instead of words. (Occasionally, they'll list "puking up burritos in the bathroom." Good thing they don't have a picture of that.) I notice they barely ever list anything under “Favorite Books,” and under “Heroes,” they either have a photo of Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson. For the most part, the preps are blond ditzes who aspire to become rich blond ditzes. They’re the ones most likely to repost chain bulletins. No matter how skinny they are, most of their photo headlines say “OMG, I am soooo fat!!!” (They type everything with at least three exclamation points). Most preppy girls are pretty, though many display a neon orange tan. When will girls learn that it's not sexy to look like a rotisserie chicken?
2.) Goths-The purpose of their page is to express how “hardcore” they are. Their background usually shows a zombie eating a baby or Marilyn Manson giving the finger. Under the “Music” section on their profile, they write, “I hate fake, wannabe-hardcore bands. I only listen to REAL death metal like (insert fake, wannabe-hardcore band here).” They go on to say they hate preps and Christians, and that they regularly urinate/defecate/masturbate on the Bible. Or snort coke off of it. Their pictures depict them dressed in Halloween costumes, with captions such as “I like to die on the weekends” and “I’ll wear black until I find something darker.” They sometimes have poetry on their blogs. The poetry can be mistaken as creative, until you discover that most of the words are variations of “pain” and “darkness.” Maybe they'll be less homicidal once they find a Thesaurus.
3.) Emo-Emo MySpace users are often mistaken for goths. However, there are distinctions between the two. For example, the tone of an emo user’s profile is more whiny than morbid. They complain about their exes, their tragic lives, and how their parents and peers “just don’t understand” them. (Although they all have expensive iPods and laptops, they think they're tragically deprived). Like the goths, they regularly post their poetry on their blogs, but emo poetry can’t even be misjudged as good. It contains such gems as “You made me sad, and now I feel bad.” Their headlines say things like “I hope you drown in my tears.” They always look androgynous in their photos, with their thick-rimmed glasses and shaggy black hair. They never smile. Their pictures are often Photoshopped black and white. They declare on their profiles that they hate “posers,” failing to see the irony in this statement. Under “Orientation,” they usually write “Bi.” Over time they change it to “Not Sure,” and then eventually to “Straight.” This is especially true for emo girls.
4.) Pedophiles-Rather than annoying or amusing, Pedophiles are actually dangerous. Their userpics are photos of their genitalia, pictures of themselves from high school, or photos of candy and puppies (which are intended to attract their victims). They mostly chase after the Prostitots.
5.) "Gangstas"-They have rap songs blaring from their pages and pictures of themselves making gang symbols. They don’t write much on their profiles, preferring to type phrases like “Lower East Side!” and “Represent!” They refer to themselves as “Pimp” or “Blingy.” They aren’t really thugs, because they wouldn’t be on MySpace if they were. They also are usually white.
6.) Gweedos-People who have dozens of icons on their pages announcing “100% Italian,” “Italian Babe,” and “Kiss Me, I’m Italian.” I don’t understand this. There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your heritage, but your whole page doesn’t have to be about it. Besides, I only notice this trend with Italians. I never see MySpace users with icons all over their pages saying “Kiss me, I’m Lithuanian.”
7.) Hippies-They usually write something on their page about how most people on MySpace are “tools,” so they’re going to be as nonconformist as possible by making their page "unique." There are three types of MySpace hippies. One is the angry kind. They are most often political and dedicate their page to Bush-bashing. Another is the mellow kind. They dedicate their page to their love of pot. They're not just casual pot smokers. They worship it. They'd pray to it if they could. Their pages contain marijuana icons and they post pictures of themselves smoking weed. (I think they're setting themselves up for blackmail, but to each their own). The third type of MySpace hippie is a combination of the first two. They write about how much they hate Bush and love weed. It's funny, because Bush is indistinguishable from their pothead friends.
8.) Hipsters--Hippies who shower. They have more money than generic hippies, but spend it all on ironic T-shirts and more expensive weed.
9.) Scene Queens--Mostly girls who spend their time going to local concerts, drinking GHB-spiked water, and displaying their tragic fashion sense. Their style is part punk, part '80s, part technicolor, and all ugly.
10.) Jesus Freaks-The fanatical Christian MySpace users. (I'm not talking about regular Christians, just the really extreme ones). Like hippies, the Jesus freaks can be divided into three categories. The first is the hypocritical kind. They write all over their pages about how religious they are, but also brag about drug-dealing and group sex. The second kind is the KKK sympathizer. A typical statement on their page would be, “God loves everyone...except for gays, blacks, Jews, Pagans, Muslims, and the French.”
11.) Obsessed Boyfriends/Girlfriends-People who bombard their entire MySpace page with pictures of their significant other. They write “(Insert name here) and (insert name here) together forever!” all over their page. Sometimes they word it slightly differently, such as “I love (insert name here) forever!” If they happen to have a band page, they post pictures of their girlfriend or boyfriend all over it as well. In the most nauseating scenarios, they use a photo of themselves with their significant other as their page background, and set the background to “repeat.” So you can see the same acne-ridden teenagers smooching OVER AND OVER AGAIN. When they break up, they frequently become Disgruntled Exes.
12.) Disgruntled Exes-MySpace users who broadcast their failed relationships all over the Internet. They dedicate their entire page to how much they hate their ex/how depressed they are about the breakup. Sometimes they seem to do it for sympathy, other times because they’re genuinely miserable. Either way, their drama does not belong on MySpace. Maybe on Livejournal.
13.) Delusional Ugly Girls-Girls on MySpace who are either obese or very ugly, but still think they’re hot. Their photo captions say, “U know u want me” and “OMG, could I be any hotter?” They use the infamous “angles”-random photos of their eyes, tattoos, or feet to avoid full body or face shots that reveal what they actually look like.
14.) Teeniles-Divorced middle-aged women who think they’re still fifteen. They use slang that would embarrass their teenage kids, and put up pictures of themselves wearing miniskirts and Hello Kitty crop tops. If they’re trying to pick up high school boys, it’s not working. They couldn’t even lure in the Pedophiles.
15.) Chronic Complainers-MySpace users who spend all day posting bulletins complaining about other peoples’ bulletins and the fact that they’re not in everyone’s Top 8. They also post twenty bulletins a day complaining that no one ever comments on their pictures. People often delete them because of their whiny bulletins, which results in them posting MORE whiny bulletins about people deleting them. It’s a vicious cycle.
16.) Prostitots-Sixth and seventh-graders who usually list their age as 18 or older. They post pictures of themselves wearing makeup that makes them resemble drag queens and outfits that hookers would consider too trashy (transparent shirts that show off their stuffed training bras, etc).
17.) Celebrity Posers-People with way too much time on their hands who create MySpace profiles pretending to be celebrities. They include photos obviously clipped from magazines. Their blogs often say things like, “I am sooo sick of people asking me if I’m really Megan Fox! Of COURSE I am!!!” On MySpace, there are fifteen pages of people pretending to be her.
18.) Wannabe MILFs-Young redneck mothers who have pictures of their kids right next to pictures of themselves spreading their legs in thong underwear. This needs to be stopped. How would you feel if you saw porn pictures of your mom on the Internet? (Then again, if you're a redneck...)
19.) One-Man Gay Pride Parades (OMGPPs)-People whose sole purpose for their MySpace is to show how gay they are. You know the look-rainbow triangles everywhere, icons all over their page expressing their gay pride. A typical remark from a OMGPP’s page would be, “I'm out of the closet, except when I’m looking for something fabulous to wear.” I am by no means homophobic, but some people go overboard. I once saw the page of a lesbian who had an icon of the Pepsi symbol, but instead of saying “The Joy of Pepsi” it said “The Joy of Pussy.” Seriously.
20.) Men Who Claim To Be Rich, Successful And Athletic, But Probably Live In Their Parents’ Basement Eating Fritos All Day-Self-explanatory.
21.) Obvious Posers-MySpace users who put up photos of people who are obviously not them; usually pictures of models. It’s a dead giveaway if they only have one picture. They usually just want attention, but there are also Bot Whores who do the same thing. They send you automated messages gushing about how hot you are, and how much they want to know you and your credit card number.
22.) Survey Addicts-People who have 8216590347 surveys on their MySpace page. And quizzes. LOTS of quizzes. “What Is The Color Of Your Aura?” “Which Boy Band Member Who Is Probably Gay Will You Marry?” “What Kind Of Girlfriend Are You, Even Though You Don’t Have A Boyfriend Because You Spend All Your Time Doing These Fucking Quizzes?”
23.) HTML Addicts-MySpace users who post so many pictures on their page that it makes your computer freeze. Pictures of themselves, their friends, food, random animals, movie posters…basically anything they’ve ever seen or ever thought of. And anime pictures. Lots and lots of anime pictures. Shudder…
24.) Anonymous Users-Users who have nothing on their page except for their name, and Tom is their only friend. Most often, they only have a MySpace so they can lurk other peoples’ pages.
25.) Wishful Thinkers-Males who post dozens of pictures of beautiful celebrities under the “Who I’d Like To Meet” section. They also add all the Celebrity Posers to their friends lists, thinking that Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johanson are actually reading their bulletins.
26.) Sports Fanatics-People who focus their whole MySpace page on their favorite sports team. They use the team’s logo as their background and decorate their page with icons saying “I love the (insert team here)!” They also state that they won’t accept any friend requests from people who like a different team.
27.) Pseudo Intellectuals-Girls who try to sound smart by saying that they enjoy deep conversations and want to meet people who provide intellectual stimulation, then blow their cover in the “Interests” section. They list MTV shows as their favorite TV programs and post a picture of Paris Hilton under "Heroes."
28.) Straight Edgers-Teens who list metal bands as their favorite music and put up pictures of themselves dressed punk, but insist that they don’t drink or do drugs. I understand the Straight Edge scene, but to many people it’s about as strange as seeing a straight guy at an emo concert.
29.) Geeks--MySpace users who look like they haven't finished puberty and have a predominant interest in Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, comic books, anime, or various video games (and sometimes all of the above). They are fluent in either Klingon, Elvish, or both. They post pictures of their WoW characters instead of pictures of themselves. They desperately want a girlfriend--preferably one who isn't pixellated, but they're not too picky. However, one must be warned to never bully a Myspace geek. He might become the next Bill Gates and send an army of evil robots to kill you and everyone you love.
30.) Obsessive Pet Owners-People who make MySpaces for their pets. They list their name as “Fluffy” or “Rover,” and post pictures of their pets in the cutest poses possible. Under “Interests,” they’ll write “Scratching up furniture,” “Eating Milk Bones,” or "Pooping in my litter box." It can be cute when someone makes a MySpace for their cat or dog, but some people take it to the extreme. For example, there’s no reason why a gerbil needs its own MySpace page. Also, I get the feeling that some pedophiles do this to attract kids. Most twelve-year-old girls would add a kitten named Fluffy to their friends list, but they'd hopefully become suspicious when Fluffy the Kitten starts inviting them to seedy bars in West Haven.
31.) Revenge Seekers-Middle schoolers who create fake MySpace pages for their enemies. You can tell a revenge seeker’s page if it says something like, “My name is Lisa Andrews and I have herpes. My vag is so big, it has an echo.” The Revenge Seeker will put up a picture of their victim with a giant penis Photoshopped onto their face. (For some reason, the penis must always be black. No exceptions.) When the victim discovers this, they'll retaliate by creating their own fake MySpace. It’ll say something along the lines of, “I’m Tommy Peters and I'm gay. I like Spongebob porn and I sit down to pee. Lisa is sooo much cooler than me.” Thus, the cycle of petty seventh-grade revenge continues.
THE 31 TYPES OF MYSPACE USERS (Or, “Confessions of a MySpace Lurker”)
By Emily Kirchner
After being a member of MySpace.com for over a year, I’ve come to a revelation: There are millions of members, but I keep coming across the same types of people. They may have different names and ages, but they are essentially the same 31 people over and over again. If you are thinking of joining MySpace, here’s a handy little guide to the various users you will encounter.
1.) Preps-Their pages usually have a background of Miley Cyrus or Playboy bunnies. All their graphics are alarmingly pink and sparkly. They often have icons proclaiming "Cutie" or "Everyone loves a blond." In the “Interests” section, they always post pictures instead of words. (Occasionally, they'll list "puking up burritos in the bathroom." Good thing they don't have a picture of that.) I notice they barely ever list anything under “Favorite Books,” and under “Heroes,” they either have a photo of Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson. For the most part, the preps are blond ditzes who aspire to become rich blond ditzes. They’re the ones most likely to repost chain bulletins. No matter how skinny they are, most of their photo headlines say “OMG, I am soooo fat!!!” (They type everything with at least three exclamation points). Most preppy girls are pretty, though many display a neon orange tan. When will girls learn that it's not sexy to look like a rotisserie chicken?
2.) Goths-The purpose of their page is to express how “hardcore” they are. Their background usually shows a zombie eating a baby or Marilyn Manson giving the finger. Under the “Music” section on their profile, they write, “I hate fake, wannabe-hardcore bands. I only listen to REAL death metal like (insert fake, wannabe-hardcore band here).” They go on to say they hate preps and Christians, and that they regularly urinate/defecate/masturbate on the Bible. Or snort coke off of it. Their pictures depict them dressed in Halloween costumes, with captions such as “I like to die on the weekends” and “I’ll wear black until I find something darker.” They sometimes have poetry on their blogs. The poetry can be mistaken as creative, until you discover that most of the words are variations of “pain” and “darkness.” Maybe they'll be less homicidal once they find a Thesaurus.
3.) Emo-Emo MySpace users are often mistaken for goths. However, there are distinctions between the two. For example, the tone of an emo user’s profile is more whiny than morbid. They complain about their exes, their tragic lives, and how their parents and peers “just don’t understand” them. (Although they all have expensive iPods and laptops, they think they're tragically deprived). Like the goths, they regularly post their poetry on their blogs, but emo poetry can’t even be misjudged as good. It contains such gems as “You made me sad, and now I feel bad.” Their headlines say things like “I hope you drown in my tears.” They always look androgynous in their photos, with their thick-rimmed glasses and shaggy black hair. They never smile. Their pictures are often Photoshopped black and white. They declare on their profiles that they hate “posers,” failing to see the irony in this statement. Under “Orientation,” they usually write “Bi.” Over time they change it to “Not Sure,” and then eventually to “Straight.” This is especially true for emo girls.
4.) Pedophiles-Rather than annoying or amusing, Pedophiles are actually dangerous. Their userpics are photos of their genitalia, pictures of themselves from high school, or photos of candy and puppies (which are intended to attract their victims). They mostly chase after the Prostitots.
5.) "Gangstas"-They have rap songs blaring from their pages and pictures of themselves making gang symbols. They don’t write much on their profiles, preferring to type phrases like “Lower East Side!” and “Represent!” They refer to themselves as “Pimp” or “Blingy.” They aren’t really thugs, because they wouldn’t be on MySpace if they were. They also are usually white.
6.) Gweedos-People who have dozens of icons on their pages announcing “100% Italian,” “Italian Babe,” and “Kiss Me, I’m Italian.” I don’t understand this. There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your heritage, but your whole page doesn’t have to be about it. Besides, I only notice this trend with Italians. I never see MySpace users with icons all over their pages saying “Kiss me, I’m Lithuanian.”
7.) Hippies-They usually write something on their page about how most people on MySpace are “tools,” so they’re going to be as nonconformist as possible by making their page "unique." There are three types of MySpace hippies. One is the angry kind. They are most often political and dedicate their page to Bush-bashing. Another is the mellow kind. They dedicate their page to their love of pot. They're not just casual pot smokers. They worship it. They'd pray to it if they could. Their pages contain marijuana icons and they post pictures of themselves smoking weed. (I think they're setting themselves up for blackmail, but to each their own). The third type of MySpace hippie is a combination of the first two. They write about how much they hate Bush and love weed. It's funny, because Bush is indistinguishable from their pothead friends.
8.) Hipsters--Hippies who shower. They have more money than generic hippies, but spend it all on ironic T-shirts and more expensive weed.
9.) Scene Queens--Mostly girls who spend their time going to local concerts, drinking GHB-spiked water, and displaying their tragic fashion sense. Their style is part punk, part '80s, part technicolor, and all ugly.
10.) Jesus Freaks-The fanatical Christian MySpace users. (I'm not talking about regular Christians, just the really extreme ones). Like hippies, the Jesus freaks can be divided into three categories. The first is the hypocritical kind. They write all over their pages about how religious they are, but also brag about drug-dealing and group sex. The second kind is the KKK sympathizer. A typical statement on their page would be, “God loves everyone...except for gays, blacks, Jews, Pagans, Muslims, and the French.”
11.) Obsessed Boyfriends/Girlfriends-People who bombard their entire MySpace page with pictures of their significant other. They write “(Insert name here) and (insert name here) together forever!” all over their page. Sometimes they word it slightly differently, such as “I love (insert name here) forever!” If they happen to have a band page, they post pictures of their girlfriend or boyfriend all over it as well. In the most nauseating scenarios, they use a photo of themselves with their significant other as their page background, and set the background to “repeat.” So you can see the same acne-ridden teenagers smooching OVER AND OVER AGAIN. When they break up, they frequently become Disgruntled Exes.
12.) Disgruntled Exes-MySpace users who broadcast their failed relationships all over the Internet. They dedicate their entire page to how much they hate their ex/how depressed they are about the breakup. Sometimes they seem to do it for sympathy, other times because they’re genuinely miserable. Either way, their drama does not belong on MySpace. Maybe on Livejournal.
13.) Delusional Ugly Girls-Girls on MySpace who are either obese or very ugly, but still think they’re hot. Their photo captions say, “U know u want me” and “OMG, could I be any hotter?” They use the infamous “angles”-random photos of their eyes, tattoos, or feet to avoid full body or face shots that reveal what they actually look like.
14.) Teeniles-Divorced middle-aged women who think they’re still fifteen. They use slang that would embarrass their teenage kids, and put up pictures of themselves wearing miniskirts and Hello Kitty crop tops. If they’re trying to pick up high school boys, it’s not working. They couldn’t even lure in the Pedophiles.
15.) Chronic Complainers-MySpace users who spend all day posting bulletins complaining about other peoples’ bulletins and the fact that they’re not in everyone’s Top 8. They also post twenty bulletins a day complaining that no one ever comments on their pictures. People often delete them because of their whiny bulletins, which results in them posting MORE whiny bulletins about people deleting them. It’s a vicious cycle.
16.) Prostitots-Sixth and seventh-graders who usually list their age as 18 or older. They post pictures of themselves wearing makeup that makes them resemble drag queens and outfits that hookers would consider too trashy (transparent shirts that show off their stuffed training bras, etc).
17.) Celebrity Posers-People with way too much time on their hands who create MySpace profiles pretending to be celebrities. They include photos obviously clipped from magazines. Their blogs often say things like, “I am sooo sick of people asking me if I’m really Megan Fox! Of COURSE I am!!!” On MySpace, there are fifteen pages of people pretending to be her.
18.) Wannabe MILFs-Young redneck mothers who have pictures of their kids right next to pictures of themselves spreading their legs in thong underwear. This needs to be stopped. How would you feel if you saw porn pictures of your mom on the Internet? (Then again, if you're a redneck...)
19.) One-Man Gay Pride Parades (OMGPPs)-People whose sole purpose for their MySpace is to show how gay they are. You know the look-rainbow triangles everywhere, icons all over their page expressing their gay pride. A typical remark from a OMGPP’s page would be, “I'm out of the closet, except when I’m looking for something fabulous to wear.” I am by no means homophobic, but some people go overboard. I once saw the page of a lesbian who had an icon of the Pepsi symbol, but instead of saying “The Joy of Pepsi” it said “The Joy of Pussy.” Seriously.
20.) Men Who Claim To Be Rich, Successful And Athletic, But Probably Live In Their Parents’ Basement Eating Fritos All Day-Self-explanatory.
21.) Obvious Posers-MySpace users who put up photos of people who are obviously not them; usually pictures of models. It’s a dead giveaway if they only have one picture. They usually just want attention, but there are also Bot Whores who do the same thing. They send you automated messages gushing about how hot you are, and how much they want to know you and your credit card number.
22.) Survey Addicts-People who have 8216590347 surveys on their MySpace page. And quizzes. LOTS of quizzes. “What Is The Color Of Your Aura?” “Which Boy Band Member Who Is Probably Gay Will You Marry?” “What Kind Of Girlfriend Are You, Even Though You Don’t Have A Boyfriend Because You Spend All Your Time Doing These Fucking Quizzes?”
23.) HTML Addicts-MySpace users who post so many pictures on their page that it makes your computer freeze. Pictures of themselves, their friends, food, random animals, movie posters…basically anything they’ve ever seen or ever thought of. And anime pictures. Lots and lots of anime pictures. Shudder…
24.) Anonymous Users-Users who have nothing on their page except for their name, and Tom is their only friend. Most often, they only have a MySpace so they can lurk other peoples’ pages.
25.) Wishful Thinkers-Males who post dozens of pictures of beautiful celebrities under the “Who I’d Like To Meet” section. They also add all the Celebrity Posers to their friends lists, thinking that Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johanson are actually reading their bulletins.
26.) Sports Fanatics-People who focus their whole MySpace page on their favorite sports team. They use the team’s logo as their background and decorate their page with icons saying “I love the (insert team here)!” They also state that they won’t accept any friend requests from people who like a different team.
27.) Pseudo Intellectuals-Girls who try to sound smart by saying that they enjoy deep conversations and want to meet people who provide intellectual stimulation, then blow their cover in the “Interests” section. They list MTV shows as their favorite TV programs and post a picture of Paris Hilton under "Heroes."
28.) Straight Edgers-Teens who list metal bands as their favorite music and put up pictures of themselves dressed punk, but insist that they don’t drink or do drugs. I understand the Straight Edge scene, but to many people it’s about as strange as seeing a straight guy at an emo concert.
29.) Geeks--MySpace users who look like they haven't finished puberty and have a predominant interest in Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, comic books, anime, or various video games (and sometimes all of the above). They are fluent in either Klingon, Elvish, or both. They post pictures of their WoW characters instead of pictures of themselves. They desperately want a girlfriend--preferably one who isn't pixellated, but they're not too picky. However, one must be warned to never bully a Myspace geek. He might become the next Bill Gates and send an army of evil robots to kill you and everyone you love.
30.) Obsessive Pet Owners-People who make MySpaces for their pets. They list their name as “Fluffy” or “Rover,” and post pictures of their pets in the cutest poses possible. Under “Interests,” they’ll write “Scratching up furniture,” “Eating Milk Bones,” or "Pooping in my litter box." It can be cute when someone makes a MySpace for their cat or dog, but some people take it to the extreme. For example, there’s no reason why a gerbil needs its own MySpace page. Also, I get the feeling that some pedophiles do this to attract kids. Most twelve-year-old girls would add a kitten named Fluffy to their friends list, but they'd hopefully become suspicious when Fluffy the Kitten starts inviting them to seedy bars in West Haven.
31.) Revenge Seekers-Middle schoolers who create fake MySpace pages for their enemies. You can tell a revenge seeker’s page if it says something like, “My name is Lisa Andrews and I have herpes. My vag is so big, it has an echo.” The Revenge Seeker will put up a picture of their victim with a giant penis Photoshopped onto their face. (For some reason, the penis must always be black. No exceptions.) When the victim discovers this, they'll retaliate by creating their own fake MySpace. It’ll say something along the lines of, “I’m Tommy Peters and I'm gay. I like Spongebob porn and I sit down to pee. Lisa is sooo much cooler than me.” Thus, the cycle of petty seventh-grade revenge continues.