(no subject)
Fire. Done. Divorce because of irreconcilable differences.I must live in Oz because houses, and cars seem to fall out of the sky here. Don't lie to me, you will lose. How can you say that you called me in Florida?The only phone call I got when I lived there was when someone died. So... twice. Holidays are fukn destroyed for me.I cry every single holiday because you built them around material wealth, and nothing else. My poor father is still paying you child support. You filed for it after I left for Florida at 19. And they fukn gave it to you, along with alimony. What fukn high lifestyle were we living that warranted fukn alimony?My younger brother hasn't lived with us since we were 10. You swept him under the rug too. You cannot ignore the problems of a 300 pound bi-polar schizophrenic man. These things do not just go away. How fukn dare you argue with lies to me. Don't fukn tell me that you supported me for the last seven years. If I had known that my own family wouldn't help me on my feet, I would have rather struggled on my own in Florida until I was on the street. At least then I knew I had really hit the bottom, and it was my burden to bear. I don't expect a handout, I screwed myself. My intentions were good, my plan was shitty. I realize that. I cannot argue that all past mistakes I've made were to be blamed upon others. But don't fuking tell me that you supported me in Florida. I always held at least 2 jobs. Don't fuking tell me that my life was a waste for the last seven years because I sure as hell don't think it was. It has been clear as a bell why I left this island since I got here. Everyone is highly dramatic, high-strung, greedy, and self absorbed. My fear is that I will adapt their habits to the detriment of my own values.
A once good friend, whom I struggled with to kick cocaine was so blown last night that he couldn't make up from down. Calls me crying, so I walk over to his house to see what the hell was going on. It's pitch dark, and 1 am. As I roll up there, he's got company. So now he's asking me to find him drugs. No. You brought me here because you told me you were alone, and your boyfriend beat your ass. All I see is someone whose face is still intact for supposedly having a pint glass smashed on it. A tweeker who nearly died while I was in Florida, and has no respect for those around him. How dare you have such contempt for life. And for me. I don't give a fuk that it was coke, I could care less. It was him, the one who I sat with in dark parking lots for hours waiting on the dude to show up, who never did of course. All things in moderation. It took me a long time to get this way, to try not to swing to one excess or the other. And your friends whom I just met are offering me lines of blow. I wouldn't trust that for all the money in the world. And would I want to spill my guts to you? No. You had no problem telling all of us how much shit he talks about your friends tho. And then, today they are a couple again. So you've been thrown out of the universe, until you learn what it is to be trustworthy, loyal, and compassionate.
Although I cannot say this is just here. But it must be a yankee mentality. Melissa texts me yesterday to asks why I quit talking to her a month ago. Wtf do you think? I gave you money, gave you all my food stamps, and rarely ate a meal there.She asks me for my address to send me cash. I don't want your fuking money. Money is something that you earn, even if it was unemployment(which I never saw any of those paychecks anyways so I really don't want to hear shit about it not being earned money). I wanted her to admit that she was wrong. Her thought is, well let me throw some money at her, and we can be friends again. It wasn't ever the money. It was values. To be a friend. To be honest. If she had just been upfront with me from the beginning, and not dicked me around, we would still be friends. I had fun with her, but I will not compromise who I am. And I am a gal of a million second chances. Friends have always been the family I needed when I was cast out by my own flesh and blood. I know this comes off as cutting, but I have been cut. And cuts need to be reciprocated. I am not one to argue, I just simply let you go.
The sad thing is I will never stop trying to help people. I know this is my greatest trait, and my greatest fault. I want to believe that there is a bit of decency in all beings, but society is doing its best to perverse this.There is nothing wrong with being rich, or leading a wealthy life, if you understand that there is more to living than the need to hang on to your shiny gold coins.I hate that all that consumes me now is that I need to make as much money as possible here, so that I can go wherever the hell it is that belong. I need the ocean; I need a peaceful, calm environment. But I fukn hate NY state. It has an awesome culture, but that is it. I am glad to be from here, but it is not for me. My adult years were formulated in the south, and I have a southern mentality of work hard, play hard, be polite, and hope for some rain once in awhile to break up the monotony of the sun. A simple, comfortable life, surrounded by good people, the quiet to write, and the ability to blast music if I want to. The freedom to learn, to travel. To experience the beauty in life, instead of trying to buy it.
Well I feel better having released that. And better to release it here than to spew out negative energy over the people I do still love and care for.
A once good friend, whom I struggled with to kick cocaine was so blown last night that he couldn't make up from down. Calls me crying, so I walk over to his house to see what the hell was going on. It's pitch dark, and 1 am. As I roll up there, he's got company. So now he's asking me to find him drugs. No. You brought me here because you told me you were alone, and your boyfriend beat your ass. All I see is someone whose face is still intact for supposedly having a pint glass smashed on it. A tweeker who nearly died while I was in Florida, and has no respect for those around him. How dare you have such contempt for life. And for me. I don't give a fuk that it was coke, I could care less. It was him, the one who I sat with in dark parking lots for hours waiting on the dude to show up, who never did of course. All things in moderation. It took me a long time to get this way, to try not to swing to one excess or the other. And your friends whom I just met are offering me lines of blow. I wouldn't trust that for all the money in the world. And would I want to spill my guts to you? No. You had no problem telling all of us how much shit he talks about your friends tho. And then, today they are a couple again. So you've been thrown out of the universe, until you learn what it is to be trustworthy, loyal, and compassionate.
Although I cannot say this is just here. But it must be a yankee mentality. Melissa texts me yesterday to asks why I quit talking to her a month ago. Wtf do you think? I gave you money, gave you all my food stamps, and rarely ate a meal there.She asks me for my address to send me cash. I don't want your fuking money. Money is something that you earn, even if it was unemployment(which I never saw any of those paychecks anyways so I really don't want to hear shit about it not being earned money). I wanted her to admit that she was wrong. Her thought is, well let me throw some money at her, and we can be friends again. It wasn't ever the money. It was values. To be a friend. To be honest. If she had just been upfront with me from the beginning, and not dicked me around, we would still be friends. I had fun with her, but I will not compromise who I am. And I am a gal of a million second chances. Friends have always been the family I needed when I was cast out by my own flesh and blood. I know this comes off as cutting, but I have been cut. And cuts need to be reciprocated. I am not one to argue, I just simply let you go.
The sad thing is I will never stop trying to help people. I know this is my greatest trait, and my greatest fault. I want to believe that there is a bit of decency in all beings, but society is doing its best to perverse this.There is nothing wrong with being rich, or leading a wealthy life, if you understand that there is more to living than the need to hang on to your shiny gold coins.I hate that all that consumes me now is that I need to make as much money as possible here, so that I can go wherever the hell it is that belong. I need the ocean; I need a peaceful, calm environment. But I fukn hate NY state. It has an awesome culture, but that is it. I am glad to be from here, but it is not for me. My adult years were formulated in the south, and I have a southern mentality of work hard, play hard, be polite, and hope for some rain once in awhile to break up the monotony of the sun. A simple, comfortable life, surrounded by good people, the quiet to write, and the ability to blast music if I want to. The freedom to learn, to travel. To experience the beauty in life, instead of trying to buy it.
Well I feel better having released that. And better to release it here than to spew out negative energy over the people I do still love and care for.