Things I Think About - I Wish I Was Queer
It's Pride Weekend here in the Twin Cities. And I gotta admit, I'm pretty damn proud of my state this year. Starting August, our LGBTQ friends and family have a right to marriage equality. Marriage is about to get fabulous up in these parts.
It sometimes amazes me how slowly social change arrives, especially as Iowa beat us to the punch by over 4 years. Having grown up in Burlington, IA, I enjoy needling the proud Minnesotans of this fact when they speak of their superior intelligence and social progressiveness.
For me, personally, I came to conclusions about the issues of sexual orientation, equality and the right of all people to share love in the late 90s. I was 19 and had just moved to the Twin Cities on my own. My life, and especially my sexuality, was in chaos.
I was raised with the belief that women had no sexual drives, and men had sexual drives beyond their control. I was a conservative christian who was quite sincere in my beliefs, including sexual repression, to the point that I was completely disconnected from my own sexual drives and urges.
I moved out of small town Minnesota on the heels of an ugly break up from my fiancee.... We had dated for about a year, and I had spent the majority of that time saying "no" to sex and rejecting all advances. Part of that time involved me being away at college for my freshman year, and I had heard rumors that he'd been out with other women but "chose to trust" like a good girl.
That summer, on school break, I dropped out of college because the student loans freaked me out (if I'd only known how bad tuition would get 15 years later...), and got engaged to my christian football player boyfriend.
A month later, I found out he'd been cheating on me with the lifeguard at the christian camp he worked at for most of the summer. Eventually, I gave him his ring back because I just didn't know what to tell people when they asked about my fiancee... And a couple months later, I moved to the Twin Cities and told him that if he wanted to fix our relationship, he knew where to find me.
Numb. That's all I really remember of those two years I spent living and working in the Twin Cities before returning to college and finishing up my degree. Not only was I emotionally blank, I decided it was time to figure out my own sexual drives. And I had no clue, on any level, what worked for me. I had become such a master at repressing myself, I wasn't even sure where to start.
Early on in that time frame, through some college friends, I met my first gay person. At least, the first gay person that I knew about... And she was struggling with her sexuality in relation to the christian faith, too. And I remember coming the realization that if "god was love" what did it matter what dangly bits someone had if they were willing to love and be committed to another. And I remember questioning why a "god of love" would demand a sincere follower spend their lives alone and unloved in that way because of what they kept in their pants. To my friend's dismay, I started openly encouraging her to start seeking out relationships with another woman. She feared god's wrath, and I was convinced he was a complete dick if he expected her to spend her life alone because she liked girls.
One of the jobs I held down at that time was at a lesbian-owned coffee shop with a sign that said "everyone welcome". I met even more fantastic people, and I always felt accepted and free to be myself in those environments.
One of the things I admire the most about the LGBTQ community is the way they openly question and challenge gender norms. I've never felt comfortable in my "role" as a hetero girl (and a conservative one at that) and I adored the fact that their community embraced self-expression in whatever manner was right for you. In fact, I think the dismantling of sexual/gender norms is one of the great gifts the LGBTQ community adds to the American culture at large.
My next step in exploring my own sexuality was to start working at the Renaissance festival. From working in the costume shop there, I met a bisexual woman who was my go-to for information on safe sex of any type. While I still wasn't sexually active and had no clue about my own sexuality, I spent a ton of time learning as much as I could.
The weirdest part of that experience was how numb I felt. I was estranged from my family for breaking conservative rules, I had a father who'd been neglecting the entire family since I was 8, and my fiancee had cheated on me and then gotten engaged and married to the other girl. My distrust of men was deep-seated at the time, and I certainly wasn't going to spend my life being a passive woman who got dumped on in a submissive manner.
In short, I wanted to be gay. It would have made so much sense. It would have answered so many questions I had about myself and why I wasn't the woman I had been raised to be. It would have given me a foundation for rejecting the mean-spirited conservative christianity I had been surrounded by in my teen years. It would have given me an explanation for why I was estranged from my family.
While my personal story remains anecdotal, I am completely convinced that sexual orientation is not a choice. If it were a choice, at that point in my life, I would have chosen to be gay with complete certainty and abandon. As it was, by the time I felt the first stirrings of sexual interest, it wasn't for women. It took me many years to get in touch with my "pants feelings" and I never could get it up for a girl. Sad story.
As a costumer, I admire women, the beauty of their shape, the clothes that flatter them the most. And I've gotten along famously with many people of many fabulous flavors. Hard to be part of the theatrical/costuming world without playing well with others...
There is still a part of me that wishes I belonged in that world, that culture, that tangible rebellion against sexual and gender norms. I have come to realize that I may be straight, but I refuse to be narrow. I've spent many years now as an ally to equality, and as pride weekend rolls around this year, "you go girl." I look forward to attending your celebrations of love and marriage.
It sometimes amazes me how slowly social change arrives, especially as Iowa beat us to the punch by over 4 years. Having grown up in Burlington, IA, I enjoy needling the proud Minnesotans of this fact when they speak of their superior intelligence and social progressiveness.
For me, personally, I came to conclusions about the issues of sexual orientation, equality and the right of all people to share love in the late 90s. I was 19 and had just moved to the Twin Cities on my own. My life, and especially my sexuality, was in chaos.
I was raised with the belief that women had no sexual drives, and men had sexual drives beyond their control. I was a conservative christian who was quite sincere in my beliefs, including sexual repression, to the point that I was completely disconnected from my own sexual drives and urges.
I moved out of small town Minnesota on the heels of an ugly break up from my fiancee.... We had dated for about a year, and I had spent the majority of that time saying "no" to sex and rejecting all advances. Part of that time involved me being away at college for my freshman year, and I had heard rumors that he'd been out with other women but "chose to trust" like a good girl.
That summer, on school break, I dropped out of college because the student loans freaked me out (if I'd only known how bad tuition would get 15 years later...), and got engaged to my christian football player boyfriend.
A month later, I found out he'd been cheating on me with the lifeguard at the christian camp he worked at for most of the summer. Eventually, I gave him his ring back because I just didn't know what to tell people when they asked about my fiancee... And a couple months later, I moved to the Twin Cities and told him that if he wanted to fix our relationship, he knew where to find me.
Numb. That's all I really remember of those two years I spent living and working in the Twin Cities before returning to college and finishing up my degree. Not only was I emotionally blank, I decided it was time to figure out my own sexual drives. And I had no clue, on any level, what worked for me. I had become such a master at repressing myself, I wasn't even sure where to start.
Early on in that time frame, through some college friends, I met my first gay person. At least, the first gay person that I knew about... And she was struggling with her sexuality in relation to the christian faith, too. And I remember coming the realization that if "god was love" what did it matter what dangly bits someone had if they were willing to love and be committed to another. And I remember questioning why a "god of love" would demand a sincere follower spend their lives alone and unloved in that way because of what they kept in their pants. To my friend's dismay, I started openly encouraging her to start seeking out relationships with another woman. She feared god's wrath, and I was convinced he was a complete dick if he expected her to spend her life alone because she liked girls.
One of the jobs I held down at that time was at a lesbian-owned coffee shop with a sign that said "everyone welcome". I met even more fantastic people, and I always felt accepted and free to be myself in those environments.
One of the things I admire the most about the LGBTQ community is the way they openly question and challenge gender norms. I've never felt comfortable in my "role" as a hetero girl (and a conservative one at that) and I adored the fact that their community embraced self-expression in whatever manner was right for you. In fact, I think the dismantling of sexual/gender norms is one of the great gifts the LGBTQ community adds to the American culture at large.
My next step in exploring my own sexuality was to start working at the Renaissance festival. From working in the costume shop there, I met a bisexual woman who was my go-to for information on safe sex of any type. While I still wasn't sexually active and had no clue about my own sexuality, I spent a ton of time learning as much as I could.
The weirdest part of that experience was how numb I felt. I was estranged from my family for breaking conservative rules, I had a father who'd been neglecting the entire family since I was 8, and my fiancee had cheated on me and then gotten engaged and married to the other girl. My distrust of men was deep-seated at the time, and I certainly wasn't going to spend my life being a passive woman who got dumped on in a submissive manner.
In short, I wanted to be gay. It would have made so much sense. It would have answered so many questions I had about myself and why I wasn't the woman I had been raised to be. It would have given me a foundation for rejecting the mean-spirited conservative christianity I had been surrounded by in my teen years. It would have given me an explanation for why I was estranged from my family.
While my personal story remains anecdotal, I am completely convinced that sexual orientation is not a choice. If it were a choice, at that point in my life, I would have chosen to be gay with complete certainty and abandon. As it was, by the time I felt the first stirrings of sexual interest, it wasn't for women. It took me many years to get in touch with my "pants feelings" and I never could get it up for a girl. Sad story.
As a costumer, I admire women, the beauty of their shape, the clothes that flatter them the most. And I've gotten along famously with many people of many fabulous flavors. Hard to be part of the theatrical/costuming world without playing well with others...
There is still a part of me that wishes I belonged in that world, that culture, that tangible rebellion against sexual and gender norms. I have come to realize that I may be straight, but I refuse to be narrow. I've spent many years now as an ally to equality, and as pride weekend rolls around this year, "you go girl." I look forward to attending your celebrations of love and marriage.