Hey - tell me when you think it would be a good time for me to come up and visit for a weekend. We could do what we've always done - sit around and do nothing. :) It'll be just me this time too, but probably can't get it all together until Feb sometime.
In a more direct response to your post, you already know what I would say about it all; we don't want a performance from you... customers don't even deserve a performance... your friends are going to stick by you even if suffer from a disorder in which the only things you can say are stupid... and if you need to get away from everything for a while - there's a bed in Kansas City which is available to you. It might currently be covered with stuff and quasi-inaccessable, but I'm sure I can get those things worked out.
Sorry to hear things are beating up on your brain a bit :( To a certain degree I think I know where you're coming from, and I wish I could do something to help, but lacking that just consider yourself hugged, heh.
I know I'm probably one of the last people who you want to hear from or even really has a right to say anything, but come on, when have we ever known me to just keep my mouth shut
( ... )
"I don't feel like I'm alone in feeling like I have to perform all the time, and I don't feel like I'm alone in finding it exhausting." I have no idea what you're talking about, I've never felt like that. That just sounds bizarre. I think if you lived alone you wouldn't have this problem.
Rereading that, it sounded harsh. To clarify, what I mean to say is that I have no personal experience so I can't empathize and will likely be useless in giving you advice. I do, of course, sympathize. Fortunately it sounds like you weren't looking for advice but instead seeking catharsis by verbalizing your problem. That's good. As to your doubt of your friends' love, I can't speak for anyone else, but I've never thought you say stupid things. Quite the opposite, actually. I think you're clever and rational, both very positive qualities. The most obvious advice is, "just be yourself." When you start school your mind will be occupied again.
School will either hurt or help. Mostly, yes, just needed to get that shit out. I know how my brain works well enough to know most of the shit I think isn't true, but that doesn't stop me from thinking it. It's not that I'm acting like somebody else, it's more like I'm some kind of machine. On means I'm functional, coherent, intelligent. Off means I'm catatonic or unavailable. Off isn't really a positive option, but on takes energy, and it burns me out over time. I've had to be on pretty much nonstop for the past few months and it's wearing me out.
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In a more direct response to your post, you already know what I would say about it all; we don't want a performance from you... customers don't even deserve a performance... your friends are going to stick by you even if suffer from a disorder in which the only things you can say are stupid... and if you need to get away from everything for a while - there's a bed in Kansas City which is available to you. It might currently be covered with stuff and quasi-inaccessable, but I'm sure I can get those things worked out.
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I have no idea what you're talking about, I've never felt like that. That just sounds bizarre. I think if you lived alone you wouldn't have this problem.
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As to your doubt of your friends' love, I can't speak for anyone else, but I've never thought you say stupid things. Quite the opposite, actually. I think you're clever and rational, both very positive qualities.
The most obvious advice is, "just be yourself." When you start school your mind will be occupied again.
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