Often It's You
Often It's You
broken!Kris/Suho, PG, 3200 words
What didn't come from love wouldn't go back as love. (Family!AU)
Warnings: Angst.
This is rushed. Basically a word vomit over my chaotic heart. I'm sorry it's so messy. I just miss writing, that is all.
Hold my head down, don't mind the sound
My heart was lost before I found you
Often It's You
- Often It’s You by Leaks
--
“Daddy?”
Kris felt a tug on the left side of his coat. It wasn’t even winter yet, but the heavy rain that accompanied them all the way to the airport forced him to put one on. He stopped checking his phone altogether, a habit he picked up at work. The kids hated that, but Kris couldn’t stop bringing himself to it. There was just something addicting about how his thumb slid over the screen.
He looked down to find his son staring up at him, eyes fully round. “Yes?” He asked, though he has one or two suspicions.
“When could we board on the plane?” The boy shuffled around. He was impatient, Kris could tell. Afterall, it was not often he took the kids for a long trip. The longest was Jeju, and it got him two sulking boys along the way.
“It’s still in half an hour, Zitao. Take a seat and stop fidgeting like that, it doesn’t make the plane board any faster.”
Zitao pouted.
“I miss Papa,” the boy mumbled. “Sehunnie, too.”
Kris smiled. He patted his son’s hair comfortingly. “I know. I miss them, too.”
Their arranged marriage had never come easy for both of them. They only accepted each other because their mutual respect for the elders of both families. The marriage took place in the garden of Joonmyun’s family residence. It was beautiful and secluded, only family and relatives were invited. He was wearing black while Joonmyun wore white. The color only suited the shorter man, especially with his pale complexion.
Kris remembered seeing Joonmyun blushing a lot that day. It was his automatic reaction for whenever Kris’ hand meets his. That was the first time he saw such pretty color. He could never forget the contrast of his hand against Joonmyun’s when he was about to slip the ring onto the other’s finger, nor would he forget the drop of his stomach when he saw Joonmyun hesitated briefly before their lips met to seal the vow.
Kris knew it from the start how the other man hated being married to him. Joonmyun was a free man. He’d liked it when he was the one in charge of everything. Kris let him did the home decorating just to make him feel better. That lifted up his mood for the early months of them living together. He took trips to shop for their house, and most of the things he bought in screams his identity. It felt like Joonmyun lived in every corner of the house. But Kris didn’t mind, not when it made the other man happy.
The kids talk came up on the sixth month, when they started to get comfortable living together. Joonmyun had gushed over the babies on a children program on the television, and Kris blurted out the question right away.
“Do you want us to have kids?”
Joonmyun answered with nothing but a heartily laugh. His cheeks tinted pink from embarrassment. He put a hand on Kris’ thigh, it was warm. Everything about him was warm.
“We can’t reproduce kids.”
Kris waved the joke off. He guessed living six month together made him immune to the younger’s lame jokes.
“Adoption, or surrogation. Remember technologies, Joonmyun.”
Joonmyun paused. He seemed to consider the offer. Only that Yifan knew that he would say yes. Joonmyun had always wanted to have kids. Perhaps that was one of the factors he was so smitten about his marriage with Kris. Kris would not be able to bear him mini-Joonmyuns.
“I want two, Yifan.”
And it was a deal.
It was always Yifan to him, never Kris. He knew, of course, that the taller man preferred the name Kris. It brought him more pride and less shame. Kris asked him why, begged him to call him like everyone else did, and Joonmyun answered with a frown.
“I vowed to get married to Wu Yifan, not Wu Kris. Or is it the wrong person I got married to?”
It took Yifan a week to realize how that answer was meaningful to him, that Joonmyun accepted the real him, not the persona he built to everyone else. It also took him the same cost to realize that he was, actually, in love with the younger man and didn’t mind spending his lifetime with him.
They eventually decided on surrogates, one with Kris’ genes and one with Joonmyun’s. The day when the boys arrived to their door was another day Kris would never forget. Joonmyun’s smile was full of bliss as he took a hold of his son. He looked up to Kris, and beamed. Kris wondered if he should use sunglasses around the house, because the smile was blinding.
“We have kids,” Joonmyun whispered over the two bundles of sleeping babies in the crib. He turned to Kris after he placed each of their foreheads a soft kiss.
“They are beautiful.” Kris smiled, his eyes meeting Joonmyun’s shining ones. “You are beautiful,” he added lowly.
Joonmyun chuckled softly. The sound vibrated in Kris’ heart. He leaned in and pressed his palm against the other man’s broad chest. It was warm and hot, and Joonmyun’s scent invading his nose made Kris dizzy.
That night, their second kiss happened.
Two years into their marriage, with both the boys growing up so fast like nothing Kris had expected, Joonmyun slipped easily under the cover. He scooted closer to Kris until their shoulders bump into each other. The older put down the book he was reading on the nightstand, just above the dim lamp. He turned to look at Joonmyun, who was staring at him like he was waiting. He smiled.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” Joonmyun answered softly. Some of his damp hair were pressing onto the shoulder of Kris’ shirt. He was starting to get used to the cold feeling it left.
“They’re all asleep?” Kris had to ask. He was the worrying type, though he mostly let Joonmyun did the caretaking. The younger enjoyed it. It made him happy. Kris wanted to make him happy.
“Yes. Sehun snored on the second paragraph.” Joonmyun grinned.
“Zitao?”
“He managed to hold until the end of the story. It was his favorite, after all.”
“The Three Brothers?”
“With an alternative ending, yes.”
Kris raised his eyebrows. Joonmyun nudged him with his elbow.
“I’m just creative, okay.”
“I know.” Kris smiled. “How are you?” he asked because it was a habit.
Joonmyun dropped his gaze. A soft smile still lingering on his face. “Good. I’m pretty good, actually.”
“Yeah? What is it?” Kris tilted his head, trying to find Joonmyun’s eyes. “Are you hiding something from me?”
“Well,” Joonmyun said, still not meeting Kris’ eyes. “Perhaps I’ve been accepted for scholarships in Oxford?”
“For your Magister?” Kris started to grin, really widely.
“Yes?” Joonmyun turned to look at him. He smiled cheekily.
“Oh my God. Joonmyun.” Kris laughed. He was so happy he could kiss the sense out of Joonmyun now, but he didn’t. He clasped a hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder, though. “When did you apply?”
“Some time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. If I fail, I don’t want you to know.”
Kris was still grinning. His cheeks started to hurt. “Wow. Oxford.”
“Yeah, I couldn’t believe myself.”
“It’s London.”
“Eleven hours and thirty minutes away from Seoul. I can’t believe it either.”
“When does the school start?” Kris mentally conjured his agenda, ready to fill in the request to move branches to his office. It was a relief that his office’s networks was quite wide that they had a branch in London.
“This Fall.”
Four months away. It was enough time for Kris to have the request processed. Then they would start organizing things for the kids. Teaching them English, perhaps. They should also buy the necessities for their home there. They should rent an apartment, because Kris liked this home in Seoul. They would eventually be back, anyway.
“Sounds good.”
Joonmyun smiled. But his eyes screams otherwise. It was glistening with nervous and worry.
“Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
Joonmyun shook his head.
“Joonmyun,” Kris reached out to stroke the back of Joonmyun’s neck. “Joonmyun, I’m here. It’s okay. Just tell me, what is it?”
“Yifan, I--” his voice cracked out. When he looked up to meet Kris’ eyes, his lips trembled. “I think, perhaps it is also best for us to split this way.”
“What?”
“We promised, before we agreed to our families, that we would have a divorce eventually, right?” The smile on Joonmyun’s face no longer reached both his eyes. It broke Kris’ heart in so many ways. “Given this situation, I think we better do it now.”
Kris pursed up his lips. He pulled back his hand that was lingering on Joonmyun’s back. For a few minutes, he refused to take his gaze off the blanket.
“Yifan?”
“Look, can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m tired from work today.” He lied.
Joonmyun bit on his lower lip nervously, like he wanted to insist on talking now. He eventually gave up. “Okay. Rest up a bit, Fan.” He said softly. It almost came out as a whisper. Kris barely caught it. “Night.”
“Good night, Joonmyun.”
As the lights in the room went out, the lights in Kris’s heart did too.
“We’re done here.”
Kris looked up from his newspaper to see Joonmyun standing in the doorway, two big luggages behind him. Sehun was clinging onto his thigh. The little boy looked sleepy, his dark hair was messed up a bit.
“You have all covered? The tickets? Passports? Your documents?” He stood up from his couch.
Joonmyun took Sehun’s little hand and squeezed it. He let out a long sigh. “Yeah, I think so,” he said, voice flat and dispassionate. Kris felt a quite big pang in his heart. “Everything else has been taken care of already. I just need to load these luggages to the taxi and go to the airport before I’m missing the plane.”
Kris nodded, gesturing to the luggages. “You got all your stuffs?”
Joonmyun smiled. “Doesn’t look like much, does it?”
“Well, you mostly left your stuffs here anyway.”
Kris was too afraid to look around the house and be reminded of Joonmyun’s presence in every corner. It would pain him. Letting go still felt… not right.
“Here are my keys.” Joonmyun placed the keys on the countertop. The clink sound they made against the marble surface made Yifan forgot to breathe for a few seconds. “I’ve changed the address for my subscriptions, so they would mail to my parents’ instead.”
“Thank you.” Kris shoved both his hands into his trousers’ pocket. He didn’t know what else to say.
Joonmyun nodded quickly. “Don’t forget to water the cactus, Zitao loves them. And don’t forget that he needs to visit the dentist to look at his teeth next week.”
“I know, Joonmyun. This is a big guy you’re going to leave, not Zitao’s kindergaten friend.” He grinned. Apparently it influenced Joonmyun to pull out one from him, too. It kinda relieved him to see Joonmyun smiled.
“Take care of yourself and Zitao, Fan.” Joonmyun said finally. “God knows what will happen once I get out of this house,” he joked.
Kris laughed, “Well, I’m sure I could get along without your nagging. Don’t worry too much, it should be my job.”
“Yeah,” Joonmyun smiled fondly.
He was gorgeous, Kris mused as he stared at the other man across the room. Joonmyun was amazing for him, for the family. He couldn’t believe he had signed and filed their divorce paper yesterday.
Losing him was not an option, not when he wasn’t his in the first place.
It wasn’t like they were married for love, anyway.
And it would never be for love when the feeling shared was not mutual.
“Look, Joonmyun--”
But Joonmyun cut him off. The younger man covered the distance between them in big steps and circled his arms around Kris’s neck. Kris’s arms wrapped themselves around Joonmyun’s slim waist in an instant.
“Thank you,” Joonmyun whispered in his ear. “Really, thank you. For all of this.”
“I should be the one thanking you,” Kris replied. “My life would never be the same without you.”
Joonmyun disentangled himself. It takes Kris three seconds to let him go.
“Come on, I will help you loading the stuffs to the taxi.” Kris pressed his hand on the small of Joonmyun’s back and encouraged him to walk forward.
“Oh, you don’t need to,” Joonmyun frowned. “They are not that heavy.”
“I want to,” Kris insisted, already pulling up one trunk. “Please. This is the last thing I would do for you.”
Joonmyun rolled his eyes, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks. “Okay. Let’s go, Sehunnie.” He picked up his son and walked towards the front door with Kris trailing behind him.
“Bye, Daddy. I love you.” Sehun said before he got into the taxi. Kris hugged him tightly, almost suffocating him. He caught Joonmyun’s worrying stare, and released the little boy.
“Good bye, Yifan.” Joonmyun said once Sehun was in the taxi.
“Bye, Myun.” Kris smiled. “Take care.”
“I will,” he smiled back. “Don’t miss me too much.” Joonmyun said as he climbed into the taxi. There was a cheeky smile on his face.
“Don’t worry.” Kris awkwardly laughed it off.
He put up a hand and waved at the excited Sehun who was barely sitting on the seat. Joonmyun fussed over him for a bit before he closed the taxi’s door. And then the driver took them away from Kris. The sound of the taxi’s machine drifting away still echoed in Kris’ ears even when it was no longer in his sight.
They were gone.
Joonmyun was gone.
-
He felt his phone vibrated in his pocket just ten minutes before they open the boarding gate. With much difficulties, thanks to Zitao, he finally managed to fish it out of his pocket. When he saw the caller ID, his heart skipped a bit.
It was Joonmyun.
“Hello?” He tried to get the speaker right next to his ear.
“Fan? You’re still in Korea?”
“Yeah, the flight is still in ten minutes.”
“Oh good, I thought you were flying already.”
Kris smiled. It sounded so much like something Joonmyun would say. “What’s up?”
“Can you give the phone to Zitao?”
“Sure.”
He handed the phone over to the boy, who was actually staring up at him curiously. “It’s for you,” he whispered. Zitao nodded, taking the phone carefully.
“Papa!” The boy squealed. “I missed you and Sehunnie!”
Kris leaned back in his chair. It had been a year, and he decided to make a move in his life, too. They were moving to Canada, his hometown, because he received a quite big promotion. He was offered to head the new branch in Vancouver, and he knew better than to refuse. Besides, it was still suffocating him everytime he took a glance around the house. It still felt like Joonmyun.
Everything still felt like Joonmyun.
One year, and Kris hadn’t moved on. But he had to. He was going to.
“Daddy? Papa wants to talk,” Zitao said calmly. The effect Joonmyun had on the boys was so amazing Kris could understand how it worked. He took the phone from his son and pressed it to his ear.
“What did you say to him?”
Kris heard Joonmyun chuckled. “I just asked him to take care of himself, and you.”
“I can take care of myself, Joonmyun.”
“I know.” Kris could almost hear him smiling across the line. “Good luck for everything, Yifan. Everything will be alright. Don’t ever doubt yourself. You are a great man.”
Not great enough to have you stayed, apparently.
“Thanks. It means a lot to me.” This time it’s Kris’s turn to smile.
The woman voice over the intercom interrupted their call. She was informing that his plane was about to board. Her voice was really loud, it filled the entire boarding room. Kris could barely hear Joonmyun’s muffled sound over her.
This is the boarding call to all passengers of Korean Air 71 to Vancouver. Please proceed to gate 2 immediately. Have your boarding pass and identification ready...
It was time to go.
It was time to move on.
This is the boarding call to all passengers of Korean Air 71 to Vancouver…
“Joonmyun?”
“Yeah?”
“I- I need to tell you something before I go.”
“What?”
“I-”
“Daddy, let’s go!”
“Yifan?”
“Look, I love you, and I would never regret all the years I spent waking up next to you.”
He waited. He waited for ten seconds for an answer, but all he heard was the sound Joonmyun’s constant breathing.
This is the final boarding call to all passengers of--
“Bye, Joonmyun.”
He was moving on.
“Yifan, no, wait--”
Kris didn’t listen to the soft tut-tut-tut before he turned off his phone and shoved it into his bag. The boarding pass in his hand felt hot, like it was burning a mark onto his palm.
“Let’s go, Zitao.” he smiled, offering his hand to the little boy. They walked hand in hand towards the boarding gate.
He was moving on.
For real this time.
--
Yifan, no, wait.
I never said this, but I love you too. For this whole time.
I’ve loved you since the first time I met you.
But you couldn’t possibly love me.
Our marriage was arranged. It wasn’t based on our feelings.
You promised me a divorce beforehand, and I knew you were going to use it as soon as you could get rid of me.
I was afraid that my feelings would forever be one-sided.
I was afraid that one day, when I’ve fallen too deep for you, you might want us to separate, and I wouldn’t be able to come back to the surface.
I love you, Yifan.
I love you and your stupid smile.
I love you and your messy bedside.
I love you and your constant worry over the kids.
I love you and the comfort you give when you are around me.
I love you, but I thought we could never work together.
I love you, that I was too stupid to realize that maybe, somewhere in our path, you have fallen for me, too.
I love you, that I was too afraid to face the illusion that you want to separate with me.
I love you, that I had to run away from you just so I don’t get hurt.
I love you, but I was too selfish. I was drowned in the illusion I created myself. An illusion where you don’t love me back.
I remember our second kiss, and most certainly won’t forget our first.
I’m sorry, Yifan. Perhaps my head was too thick to function properly.
But I love you. I really do.
And if there are things I could do to repair this, to make us work again, I would.
You were my everything, and you still are even when we are oceans away.
Please call me back once you arrived in Canada.
I love you, Fan.
--fin.
broken!Kris/Suho, PG, 3200 words
What didn't come from love wouldn't go back as love. (Family!AU)
Warnings: Angst.
This is rushed. Basically a word vomit over my chaotic heart. I'm sorry it's so messy. I just miss writing, that is all.
Hold my head down, don't mind the sound
My heart was lost before I found you
Often It's You
- Often It’s You by Leaks
--
“Daddy?”
Kris felt a tug on the left side of his coat. It wasn’t even winter yet, but the heavy rain that accompanied them all the way to the airport forced him to put one on. He stopped checking his phone altogether, a habit he picked up at work. The kids hated that, but Kris couldn’t stop bringing himself to it. There was just something addicting about how his thumb slid over the screen.
He looked down to find his son staring up at him, eyes fully round. “Yes?” He asked, though he has one or two suspicions.
“When could we board on the plane?” The boy shuffled around. He was impatient, Kris could tell. Afterall, it was not often he took the kids for a long trip. The longest was Jeju, and it got him two sulking boys along the way.
“It’s still in half an hour, Zitao. Take a seat and stop fidgeting like that, it doesn’t make the plane board any faster.”
Zitao pouted.
“I miss Papa,” the boy mumbled. “Sehunnie, too.”
Kris smiled. He patted his son’s hair comfortingly. “I know. I miss them, too.”
Their arranged marriage had never come easy for both of them. They only accepted each other because their mutual respect for the elders of both families. The marriage took place in the garden of Joonmyun’s family residence. It was beautiful and secluded, only family and relatives were invited. He was wearing black while Joonmyun wore white. The color only suited the shorter man, especially with his pale complexion.
Kris remembered seeing Joonmyun blushing a lot that day. It was his automatic reaction for whenever Kris’ hand meets his. That was the first time he saw such pretty color. He could never forget the contrast of his hand against Joonmyun’s when he was about to slip the ring onto the other’s finger, nor would he forget the drop of his stomach when he saw Joonmyun hesitated briefly before their lips met to seal the vow.
Kris knew it from the start how the other man hated being married to him. Joonmyun was a free man. He’d liked it when he was the one in charge of everything. Kris let him did the home decorating just to make him feel better. That lifted up his mood for the early months of them living together. He took trips to shop for their house, and most of the things he bought in screams his identity. It felt like Joonmyun lived in every corner of the house. But Kris didn’t mind, not when it made the other man happy.
The kids talk came up on the sixth month, when they started to get comfortable living together. Joonmyun had gushed over the babies on a children program on the television, and Kris blurted out the question right away.
“Do you want us to have kids?”
Joonmyun answered with nothing but a heartily laugh. His cheeks tinted pink from embarrassment. He put a hand on Kris’ thigh, it was warm. Everything about him was warm.
“We can’t reproduce kids.”
Kris waved the joke off. He guessed living six month together made him immune to the younger’s lame jokes.
“Adoption, or surrogation. Remember technologies, Joonmyun.”
Joonmyun paused. He seemed to consider the offer. Only that Yifan knew that he would say yes. Joonmyun had always wanted to have kids. Perhaps that was one of the factors he was so smitten about his marriage with Kris. Kris would not be able to bear him mini-Joonmyuns.
“I want two, Yifan.”
And it was a deal.
It was always Yifan to him, never Kris. He knew, of course, that the taller man preferred the name Kris. It brought him more pride and less shame. Kris asked him why, begged him to call him like everyone else did, and Joonmyun answered with a frown.
“I vowed to get married to Wu Yifan, not Wu Kris. Or is it the wrong person I got married to?”
It took Yifan a week to realize how that answer was meaningful to him, that Joonmyun accepted the real him, not the persona he built to everyone else. It also took him the same cost to realize that he was, actually, in love with the younger man and didn’t mind spending his lifetime with him.
They eventually decided on surrogates, one with Kris’ genes and one with Joonmyun’s. The day when the boys arrived to their door was another day Kris would never forget. Joonmyun’s smile was full of bliss as he took a hold of his son. He looked up to Kris, and beamed. Kris wondered if he should use sunglasses around the house, because the smile was blinding.
“We have kids,” Joonmyun whispered over the two bundles of sleeping babies in the crib. He turned to Kris after he placed each of their foreheads a soft kiss.
“They are beautiful.” Kris smiled, his eyes meeting Joonmyun’s shining ones. “You are beautiful,” he added lowly.
Joonmyun chuckled softly. The sound vibrated in Kris’ heart. He leaned in and pressed his palm against the other man’s broad chest. It was warm and hot, and Joonmyun’s scent invading his nose made Kris dizzy.
That night, their second kiss happened.
Two years into their marriage, with both the boys growing up so fast like nothing Kris had expected, Joonmyun slipped easily under the cover. He scooted closer to Kris until their shoulders bump into each other. The older put down the book he was reading on the nightstand, just above the dim lamp. He turned to look at Joonmyun, who was staring at him like he was waiting. He smiled.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” Joonmyun answered softly. Some of his damp hair were pressing onto the shoulder of Kris’ shirt. He was starting to get used to the cold feeling it left.
“They’re all asleep?” Kris had to ask. He was the worrying type, though he mostly let Joonmyun did the caretaking. The younger enjoyed it. It made him happy. Kris wanted to make him happy.
“Yes. Sehun snored on the second paragraph.” Joonmyun grinned.
“Zitao?”
“He managed to hold until the end of the story. It was his favorite, after all.”
“The Three Brothers?”
“With an alternative ending, yes.”
Kris raised his eyebrows. Joonmyun nudged him with his elbow.
“I’m just creative, okay.”
“I know.” Kris smiled. “How are you?” he asked because it was a habit.
Joonmyun dropped his gaze. A soft smile still lingering on his face. “Good. I’m pretty good, actually.”
“Yeah? What is it?” Kris tilted his head, trying to find Joonmyun’s eyes. “Are you hiding something from me?”
“Well,” Joonmyun said, still not meeting Kris’ eyes. “Perhaps I’ve been accepted for scholarships in Oxford?”
“For your Magister?” Kris started to grin, really widely.
“Yes?” Joonmyun turned to look at him. He smiled cheekily.
“Oh my God. Joonmyun.” Kris laughed. He was so happy he could kiss the sense out of Joonmyun now, but he didn’t. He clasped a hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder, though. “When did you apply?”
“Some time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. If I fail, I don’t want you to know.”
Kris was still grinning. His cheeks started to hurt. “Wow. Oxford.”
“Yeah, I couldn’t believe myself.”
“It’s London.”
“Eleven hours and thirty minutes away from Seoul. I can’t believe it either.”
“When does the school start?” Kris mentally conjured his agenda, ready to fill in the request to move branches to his office. It was a relief that his office’s networks was quite wide that they had a branch in London.
“This Fall.”
Four months away. It was enough time for Kris to have the request processed. Then they would start organizing things for the kids. Teaching them English, perhaps. They should also buy the necessities for their home there. They should rent an apartment, because Kris liked this home in Seoul. They would eventually be back, anyway.
“Sounds good.”
Joonmyun smiled. But his eyes screams otherwise. It was glistening with nervous and worry.
“Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
Joonmyun shook his head.
“Joonmyun,” Kris reached out to stroke the back of Joonmyun’s neck. “Joonmyun, I’m here. It’s okay. Just tell me, what is it?”
“Yifan, I--” his voice cracked out. When he looked up to meet Kris’ eyes, his lips trembled. “I think, perhaps it is also best for us to split this way.”
“What?”
“We promised, before we agreed to our families, that we would have a divorce eventually, right?” The smile on Joonmyun’s face no longer reached both his eyes. It broke Kris’ heart in so many ways. “Given this situation, I think we better do it now.”
Kris pursed up his lips. He pulled back his hand that was lingering on Joonmyun’s back. For a few minutes, he refused to take his gaze off the blanket.
“Yifan?”
“Look, can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m tired from work today.” He lied.
Joonmyun bit on his lower lip nervously, like he wanted to insist on talking now. He eventually gave up. “Okay. Rest up a bit, Fan.” He said softly. It almost came out as a whisper. Kris barely caught it. “Night.”
“Good night, Joonmyun.”
As the lights in the room went out, the lights in Kris’s heart did too.
“We’re done here.”
Kris looked up from his newspaper to see Joonmyun standing in the doorway, two big luggages behind him. Sehun was clinging onto his thigh. The little boy looked sleepy, his dark hair was messed up a bit.
“You have all covered? The tickets? Passports? Your documents?” He stood up from his couch.
Joonmyun took Sehun’s little hand and squeezed it. He let out a long sigh. “Yeah, I think so,” he said, voice flat and dispassionate. Kris felt a quite big pang in his heart. “Everything else has been taken care of already. I just need to load these luggages to the taxi and go to the airport before I’m missing the plane.”
Kris nodded, gesturing to the luggages. “You got all your stuffs?”
Joonmyun smiled. “Doesn’t look like much, does it?”
“Well, you mostly left your stuffs here anyway.”
Kris was too afraid to look around the house and be reminded of Joonmyun’s presence in every corner. It would pain him. Letting go still felt… not right.
“Here are my keys.” Joonmyun placed the keys on the countertop. The clink sound they made against the marble surface made Yifan forgot to breathe for a few seconds. “I’ve changed the address for my subscriptions, so they would mail to my parents’ instead.”
“Thank you.” Kris shoved both his hands into his trousers’ pocket. He didn’t know what else to say.
Joonmyun nodded quickly. “Don’t forget to water the cactus, Zitao loves them. And don’t forget that he needs to visit the dentist to look at his teeth next week.”
“I know, Joonmyun. This is a big guy you’re going to leave, not Zitao’s kindergaten friend.” He grinned. Apparently it influenced Joonmyun to pull out one from him, too. It kinda relieved him to see Joonmyun smiled.
“Take care of yourself and Zitao, Fan.” Joonmyun said finally. “God knows what will happen once I get out of this house,” he joked.
Kris laughed, “Well, I’m sure I could get along without your nagging. Don’t worry too much, it should be my job.”
“Yeah,” Joonmyun smiled fondly.
He was gorgeous, Kris mused as he stared at the other man across the room. Joonmyun was amazing for him, for the family. He couldn’t believe he had signed and filed their divorce paper yesterday.
Losing him was not an option, not when he wasn’t his in the first place.
It wasn’t like they were married for love, anyway.
And it would never be for love when the feeling shared was not mutual.
“Look, Joonmyun--”
But Joonmyun cut him off. The younger man covered the distance between them in big steps and circled his arms around Kris’s neck. Kris’s arms wrapped themselves around Joonmyun’s slim waist in an instant.
“Thank you,” Joonmyun whispered in his ear. “Really, thank you. For all of this.”
“I should be the one thanking you,” Kris replied. “My life would never be the same without you.”
Joonmyun disentangled himself. It takes Kris three seconds to let him go.
“Come on, I will help you loading the stuffs to the taxi.” Kris pressed his hand on the small of Joonmyun’s back and encouraged him to walk forward.
“Oh, you don’t need to,” Joonmyun frowned. “They are not that heavy.”
“I want to,” Kris insisted, already pulling up one trunk. “Please. This is the last thing I would do for you.”
Joonmyun rolled his eyes, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks. “Okay. Let’s go, Sehunnie.” He picked up his son and walked towards the front door with Kris trailing behind him.
“Bye, Daddy. I love you.” Sehun said before he got into the taxi. Kris hugged him tightly, almost suffocating him. He caught Joonmyun’s worrying stare, and released the little boy.
“Good bye, Yifan.” Joonmyun said once Sehun was in the taxi.
“Bye, Myun.” Kris smiled. “Take care.”
“I will,” he smiled back. “Don’t miss me too much.” Joonmyun said as he climbed into the taxi. There was a cheeky smile on his face.
“Don’t worry.” Kris awkwardly laughed it off.
He put up a hand and waved at the excited Sehun who was barely sitting on the seat. Joonmyun fussed over him for a bit before he closed the taxi’s door. And then the driver took them away from Kris. The sound of the taxi’s machine drifting away still echoed in Kris’ ears even when it was no longer in his sight.
They were gone.
Joonmyun was gone.
-
He felt his phone vibrated in his pocket just ten minutes before they open the boarding gate. With much difficulties, thanks to Zitao, he finally managed to fish it out of his pocket. When he saw the caller ID, his heart skipped a bit.
It was Joonmyun.
“Hello?” He tried to get the speaker right next to his ear.
“Fan? You’re still in Korea?”
“Yeah, the flight is still in ten minutes.”
“Oh good, I thought you were flying already.”
Kris smiled. It sounded so much like something Joonmyun would say. “What’s up?”
“Can you give the phone to Zitao?”
“Sure.”
He handed the phone over to the boy, who was actually staring up at him curiously. “It’s for you,” he whispered. Zitao nodded, taking the phone carefully.
“Papa!” The boy squealed. “I missed you and Sehunnie!”
Kris leaned back in his chair. It had been a year, and he decided to make a move in his life, too. They were moving to Canada, his hometown, because he received a quite big promotion. He was offered to head the new branch in Vancouver, and he knew better than to refuse. Besides, it was still suffocating him everytime he took a glance around the house. It still felt like Joonmyun.
Everything still felt like Joonmyun.
One year, and Kris hadn’t moved on. But he had to. He was going to.
“Daddy? Papa wants to talk,” Zitao said calmly. The effect Joonmyun had on the boys was so amazing Kris could understand how it worked. He took the phone from his son and pressed it to his ear.
“What did you say to him?”
Kris heard Joonmyun chuckled. “I just asked him to take care of himself, and you.”
“I can take care of myself, Joonmyun.”
“I know.” Kris could almost hear him smiling across the line. “Good luck for everything, Yifan. Everything will be alright. Don’t ever doubt yourself. You are a great man.”
Not great enough to have you stayed, apparently.
“Thanks. It means a lot to me.” This time it’s Kris’s turn to smile.
The woman voice over the intercom interrupted their call. She was informing that his plane was about to board. Her voice was really loud, it filled the entire boarding room. Kris could barely hear Joonmyun’s muffled sound over her.
This is the boarding call to all passengers of Korean Air 71 to Vancouver. Please proceed to gate 2 immediately. Have your boarding pass and identification ready...
It was time to go.
It was time to move on.
This is the boarding call to all passengers of Korean Air 71 to Vancouver…
“Joonmyun?”
“Yeah?”
“I- I need to tell you something before I go.”
“What?”
“I-”
“Daddy, let’s go!”
“Yifan?”
“Look, I love you, and I would never regret all the years I spent waking up next to you.”
He waited. He waited for ten seconds for an answer, but all he heard was the sound Joonmyun’s constant breathing.
This is the final boarding call to all passengers of--
“Bye, Joonmyun.”
He was moving on.
“Yifan, no, wait--”
Kris didn’t listen to the soft tut-tut-tut before he turned off his phone and shoved it into his bag. The boarding pass in his hand felt hot, like it was burning a mark onto his palm.
“Let’s go, Zitao.” he smiled, offering his hand to the little boy. They walked hand in hand towards the boarding gate.
He was moving on.
For real this time.
--
Yifan, no, wait.
I never said this, but I love you too. For this whole time.
I’ve loved you since the first time I met you.
But you couldn’t possibly love me.
Our marriage was arranged. It wasn’t based on our feelings.
You promised me a divorce beforehand, and I knew you were going to use it as soon as you could get rid of me.
I was afraid that my feelings would forever be one-sided.
I was afraid that one day, when I’ve fallen too deep for you, you might want us to separate, and I wouldn’t be able to come back to the surface.
I love you, Yifan.
I love you and your stupid smile.
I love you and your messy bedside.
I love you and your constant worry over the kids.
I love you and the comfort you give when you are around me.
I love you, but I thought we could never work together.
I love you, that I was too stupid to realize that maybe, somewhere in our path, you have fallen for me, too.
I love you, that I was too afraid to face the illusion that you want to separate with me.
I love you, that I had to run away from you just so I don’t get hurt.
I love you, but I was too selfish. I was drowned in the illusion I created myself. An illusion where you don’t love me back.
I remember our second kiss, and most certainly won’t forget our first.
I’m sorry, Yifan. Perhaps my head was too thick to function properly.
But I love you. I really do.
And if there are things I could do to repair this, to make us work again, I would.
You were my everything, and you still are even when we are oceans away.
Please call me back once you arrived in Canada.
I love you, Fan.
--fin.