SOUNDTRACK 022 // WRITTEN
[Something isn't exactly right when a creature made to sing makes a written message, fortunately it's not that there's anything wrong with her voice. She simply finds this easier. The fact that it's done in the middle of the night may serve as an explanation as she doesn't wish to wake anyone up
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Comments 113
Perhaps...you are growing. Your query resembles that of humans when they are searching for their purpose in life.
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I have a purpose. I had one at least, but I feel as if there's no use of it anymore, I've done all I could and there's nothing else for me to do. How can that equal to growth? I don't even think I can do that.
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There is always a use for it. It may not seem that way, but one day, it will become of use again.
...That is what makes this difficult. When you've reached the end of one purpose, the only...thing to do is find a new one, one you choose. It is...human growth that may be affecting you, since you are here now.
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Luceti is too different from my world. There is too many different people for my original purpose to really be of use here, many can't even understand it. And I can't find a new purpose, there's nothing else I could do. It never was a problem before being here...
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But, at times like those.. I think all we can do is try to still help out other people as much as we can, in any way. In that case that can be your use, right?
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To exist and never having had a use... That's terrible.
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But to begin with, in my world, if a couple doesn't want a child, or aren't convinced with it due its gender or whatever, they can kill it before it's born. Or give it up to adoption, as the less savage options. I don't think it's really possible for parents to like another type of daughter more anyway, a useful daughter or a useless one, both of them are their daughters, aren't they?
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No, I have never felt that kind of useless before, because I know when I was born I was given a blank ticket. It's up to me to figure out where that ticket will take me. No one else can tell me where it will take me and what I'll do to get there. And it's never filled, because the destination is always changing.
You may feel like you can't do anything now, but you can always change that and you don't know what the future will bring. It may surprise you.
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Isn't it scary to have a "blank ticket"? I don't know how to move without knowing my destination, I have nowhere to go if it's not in the ticket. I was made the way I am and I don't think I was meant to change, or that I'm able to...
But you should be resting, not bothering with me. Can't you sleep? Are you injured?
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And I suppose it is a little scary to have a blank ticket, to be completely unsure of the future, but I think it's a whole lot less scary then being told that I'm who I have to be. That I'm not aloud to change, learn, or grow past what I'm told to. I am who I am because of the choices I make.
Even if you and I are not the same, you were made to grow and learn things too, weren't you? How many new songs have you learned since coming here? How many new friends have you made? And how many of those have you cheered up with singing when they needed it?
That doesn't sound useless at all to me.
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[There's a pause in her writing.]
I never had friends before, only the other Vocaloids and my Masters. I only have learned two songs since I was here and one is incomplete, the other isn't perfect either.
I don't really know if I have been able to cheer up anyone with my songs here.
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His handwriting is shaky and kind of scratchy, done with a hand that can't stop trembling.]
I feel useless here in Luceti, in the more conventional sense of the word. There is so much violence here, and so many things I cannot understand or combat, and so I cannot do anything. But in the manner you describe, I suppose I feel that as well. My vocation is, generally, entirely unhelpful here, and save the reports and thesis I write, there is little that I can do with it. There have even been cases where I knew I could have done something, but the technology to do it here did not exist.
I suppose the only real thing to do is to try to adapt. To make a use for oneself, rather than relying on a standard, set definition of use.
[Not that Robert's any good at that. Especially not now, not with how he's been feeling.]
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Even if the technology of my world existed here, I know there's nothing I can do. I was made just to do one thing, but there's a very small limit as to how much of it I can do here. It's so different from home, sometimes it feels useless to even try.
How do you "adapt"?
[She doubts she can do it but then again she doesn't really understand. She has the meaning, she knows what the word means and all but... She knows that somehow that's not enough. Ever since she arrived to Luceti just knowing things didn't mean she understood them, and it's scary.]
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I am much the same. This place is completely unlike anything I had ever seen in Terra. Even being here five months has not inured me to it. It is so violent here; there are wars, and aggressive people. There are paranormal things, like magic - none of which existed in my multiverse.
There are things I have here that I do not have at home, either.
Like friends.
And, sometimes I wonder if it is worth it, as well.
[He pauses a moment there, after those small, tight letters, and adds questioningly:]
What were you constructed to do, then? Why can you not do it here?
It would be part of adaptation. One shifts to meet the changing expectations and needs of one's surroundings.
It can be exceedingly difficult to do. I would know. [Having to adapt to a violent culture was not easy, and Robert is still struggling with it. He still hasn't entirely gotten to a point where he can accept other people being violent, let alone himself ( ... )
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[Like during a draft or soon after it. But it's all she knows how to do so it's hard to constrain herself, being unable to sing because it could make people hurt or annoyed... It's like she's being unable to breath.]
And there are so many worlds here, my songs probably aren't appreciated by many of them because the music style is too different.
I don't think I can change or shift. Not in a way that doesn't give me more problems, at least... I'm not sure I want to change even.
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So after tossing and turning for awhile, Adell gets out of bed and sits down at his desk looking through his journal. He figured there wouldn't be much here and he might just spend some time playing on the handheld system Luka had given to him.
But... no. There was a meticulously written entry that caught his eye... by none other than Luka herself. And this confirmed... much of what he already knew, but browsing the responses to try to understand better how she felt made a pit deepen in his stomach.
"Sometimes I just wish I could go back and forget all this, even if I lose the good things, the bad things will go as well."...Adell couldn't let this ( ... )
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It takes a while for her to move from the bed where she was sitting and approach the door. Long enough for someone to think that she's not there or that she's asleep. She won't open right away though, just lean against the door and try to listen to the other side. Until she realizes that since it's her, not opening and feigning being asleep wouldn't be believable.
And thus she opens the door, slowly, peering at the outside to see who it is...]
Master Adell?
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So he'll keep as calm as he can.]
Hey, Luka. ...Would you mind if I came in for a little bit?
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[The tone is the usual tsun, trying to act natural in case he hasn't seen the entry. Or trying to distract him in case he has. Still she opens the door and lets him in.]
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