(no subject)
Chapter 24: Lukas Reacts
The drive down to the training ground seemed to pass by far too quickly for Bastian. He’d hated to leave Daniela this morning, though she’d been quick to push him out the door so he wouldn’t be late for training. She’d been far too supportive, telling him not to worry about her, that she’d be okay. But she understood the harsh timing of this very well; she wanted him to concentrate during training today instead of spending those hours fraught with worry over this new situation. And even though he’d wanted to come back to her after training to try and sort this out, she’d insisted that he go to Lukas and deal with this as soon as possible. The longer he put it off and waited, the harder it would be and the worse of an impact it would have on him. But she’d also told him that whatever ended up happening when Lukas found out, good or bad, she wanted to know.
So now he was parking his car and getting out, once again staying away from the crowd of fans gathered there, snapping pictures and looking for autographs. He made his way into the building, keeping his head down and not looking at anyone, trying so very hard to get a grip on himself. He was worried about walking into the changing room and seeing everyone. Could he manage to pull off a normal appearance today? Would anyone look at him and realize that something was up?
Without any other choice he walked in, the majority of the team there already and in various stages of getting ready for the morning. He made his way over to his spot, sitting down and stripping to change into his training gear. Now that the adrenaline that had been propelling him through his confession to Daniela was wearing off, he was starting to feel the effect of being awake all night. How on earth would he manage to get through training today looking on form?
“Somebody’s looking a little tired today.” There was Andi, suddenly in front of him and looking down, a smirk on his face. “Lukas told us you finally went home for the night. Stay up late making up for lost time?”
Bastian looked up at him, forcing himself to grin. Of course. He could use that as an excuse, for the guys at least, if he wasn’t up to his standard today. Now that Andi had made the comment everyone would probably be making jokes about it for the duration of training. And even though it would hurt like hell and constantly remind him of just how badly things were going; it was so much easier than not having any explanation at all because there was no way he could tell them what was really going on. Andi’s comment also answered the question of what Lukas had been up to last night, as Bastian casually asked Andi if they’d gone out somewhere together. Unfortunately for him Andi immediately asked him why he was asking, if he was upset that they had taken Bastian’s other girlfriend out for a bit of fun. As soon as he made the comment Philipp jumped in and joined the teasing. They were alluding to the comment made by Torsten that day during training with the national squad, after the poker night. Philipp had told Andi all about it and now they thought they were getting a good joke on their friend. Of course neither of them realized what it was really doing to him.
Bastian glared at them the way he normally would have, though it stung when Andi referred to Lukas as his other girlfriend. What if things somehow worked out with him and Lukas? What if Lukas would surprise him and return all of those crazy feelings he had? What would they do? They couldn’t tell the guys, it would be the end of them, he was certain of that.
The thought distracted him so much that he’d ended up sitting there, unmoving, while the guys bugged him again. It wasn’t until Andi kneed him in the arm that he looked up, realizing that he’d completely tuned out. Andi laughed just a little at him. “Are you sure you’re okay? You kinda zoned out there for a minute.”
Bastian again forced himself to grin, shrugging his shoulders and trying to find something normal to respond with. “Eh, you know how it is after a long night.”
A few laughs responded to the comment. “Oh, to be that young and having sex that exciting, what a joy!” Willy elbowed Mark as he made the jab.
Mark laughed at it. “Enjoy it while it lasts, because the minute you have kids it’s all going to end.” The guys continued to give Bastian a bit of a hard time, joking and teasing until they got out to the training field, no one noticing how much the jokes bothered him because he amazed himself by doing such a good job of hiding it.
No matter how hard he tried to concentrate during training, every now and then Bastian would slip up. He’d be fine for a few minutes, he’d push everything out of his mind and focus on making if through training, but then all he needed was just a little moment of rest, a second to take his mind off of what he was doing and he’d be thinking about things, worrying about what was going to happen after training was over. He’d have to face Lukas, he didn’t have a choice.
He wasn’t sure if everyone else noticed how often he was distracted during the morning and he wasn’t about to ask for confirmation. Maybe he ought to fake an injury and try to leave early, find some way to get off the field and away from the club’s training ground. Usually the game took his mind off of things, but today it didn’t. Today those things were taking his mind off of the game. He really hoped that Magath wouldn’t notice, and if he did, maybe he’d cut him just a bit of slack given his excellent performance in the last three matches.
The morning seemed to drag on forever, the drills and exercises never ending. The practice game was a bit of a disaster at times. He’d play well for a few minutes, and then all of a sudden he’d get distracted and slip up somehow. The guys started teasing him again about what he must have been doing with Dani to leave him so off today. He kept smiling and laughing at the jokes, halfhearted laughter, but it seemed to appease everyone. And he did manage to somehow make some excellent plays during the practice, after all, when he could manage to stay focused for a few minutes. So it wasn’t a complete loss. And it was apparently enough to keep Magath off his back, at least for today.
When training finally ended Bastian didn’t waste any time in showering, changing, and getting out of the building. He lingered long enough to not make it look strange, he indulged a few of the guys in a little conversation, he made himself pay attention to what they were saying even though he so badly wanted to tune them out and try to figure out what the hell he was going to say to Lukas. When he was finally able to leave, at the same time as Micho and Willy, he made himself take part in their conversation on the way out to the parking lot. It was so hard to pay attention to them, to walk next to them and not run to his car. It was even harder when he had to follow them over to the fans, having no reasonable excuse to skip out on signing autographs when two of his team mates were heading over to do it.
He didn’t sign as many as he usually did and he wasn’t as social as he normally was, though he tried to be. He tried to smile and look up for pictures when fans asked for them. When Roy and Mark showed up to sign autographs too he took that opportunity to slip away to his car. He slid into it quickly, wasting no time at all in getting out of the parking lot. It wasn’t that he was in a rush to get to Lukas, because he was still totally frightened of what he was going to do, but he really wanted to get away from everyone. He needed to be alone to think about things.
He took the long way to the building, fiddling with the radio before finally just turning it off because it was distracting him too much from what he had to think about. What was he going to say? He couldn’t just walk into the apartment and declare it openly to Lukas. This wasn’t the sort of thing you just casually let slip, especially not to your best friend, to the person who was so involved in every aspect of your life. This could ruin everything if he didn’t handle it properly. And even if he did handle it properly it could still ruin everything.
But how could it go that badly? Lukas would have to see it, he would have to understand. After all, it wasn’t like this had been one-sided. Lukas had been there too, all of those times that Bastian had shown that strong physical affection. He’d been on the receiving end and hadn’t he seemed to crave it too? Weren’t there times when Lukas had reached for him, asked Bastian to hold him? Hadn’t Lukas always clung to him, depended on him for comfort?
But maybe Daniela had had a point. Maybe Lukas’ reaction was purely based on the way Bastian had been there taking care of him. Maybe Lukas had only ever reacted so willingly to all of those things because they had been the only senses of comfort he’d had during all of this. Of course Lukas had clung to him constantly. He’d grown used to it in those first weeks, when he couldn’t walk on his own and he’d been forced to cling to Bastian for support. He hadn’t had much of a choice then, so of course it just turned into something naturally comforting later on. It was a reminder that through it all, Bastian had been there for him. Lukas had needed someone there, someone to lend him strength when he’d been weak, and someone to help him find his way back to himself. That had been Bastian’s job, to take care of him. Falling in love with Lukas along the way hadn’t been part of the job description. It wouldn’t be something Lukas was expecting.
The more he thought about it the more convinced he was that this was going to turn out badly. This was all a mistake and it was going to end horribly for him. He was going to ruin everything. Not just his life, and Daniela’s life, but Lukas’ life too. If Bastian admitted things to him, there was no way they could ever go back to what they’d been before, what they still were right now. Lukas was going to lose his best friend. He was going to lose that connection because there was no way he’d accept it, was there?
But what if there was? What if he was wrong and Lukas was going to see their connection for what it could be? Or at least see it for what Bastian wanted it to be. And was he really sure he wanted it to be something more? Did he want to share something deeper with Lukas? So he had all of these feelings, so he loved him, but was he really ready to act on them? What did he want? Did he want a relationship with Lukas? It was so strange to word it that way. But when he thought about it, he realized that they already had a relationship. There was something there and he just had to hope that Lukas would be willing to see it.
He finally pulled into the parking lot of the building, parking the car and letting it idle for a moment as he built up the courage to do this. It was going to be rough, he knew that much. But as long as Lukas didn’t immediately react negatively, as long as he was willing to talk about it, Bastian was sure he’d make Lukas understand it. Lukas would listen and he’d explain and everything would fall into place and things would sort themselves out. That was how it was going to work out.
He got out of the car and entered the building, riding the elevator up to the seventh floor, walking down the hall and stopping in front of the door. This was his last chance to flee before he changed things forever. He just stood in front of the door for a moment, trying to build himself up. This had to work out. Too much depended on this working out. They’d lose too much if things went wrong.
He slid his key into the lock, turning it and pulling open the door and stepping into the apartment, the same apartment that only last night he’d thought of as home. It didn’t really feel like home right now. He wanted it to be home, he wanted to stay here and feel at ease and feel comfortable. But that all hinged on Lukas’ reaction and that reaction was something he was looking forward to with nothing but fear and dread. He wanted to be confident that things would go well. Really he did. But he couldn’t be. The possibility that this was all one-sided due to Lukas’ recovery was so strong; it was so plausible and likely, far more likely than the possibility of Lukas returning everything Bastian was feeling.
And there he was. Bastian had just finished taking off his shoes and was hanging up his coat when Lukas walked in, a smile on his face that Bastian saw out of the corner of his eye before looking back at the closet, taking a minute to fiddle with his coat on the hanger. Lukas didn’t appear to notice his hesitation, though. “You’re home! Did you miss me?”
Bastian wanted to act normally. He wanted to say no, he wanted to tell Lukas that he’d never had such a relaxing night in his life. He wanted to give himself a few minutes of normalcy before he went and complicated everything. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t joke around about this after what he’d done this morning. “Yeah, actually, I did.” He knew Lukas would know something was wrong the moment he said those words. It wasn’t what Lukas would be expecting him to say.
Not getting the answer he’d been expecting, Lukas was immediately concerned. “Is everything okay?” He moved a little closer to Bastian, standing in front of him. “Did something happen this morning?” The first thing he thought of was that something had gone wrong at the club. Even though things had been going well in regards to Bastian’s training lately, it was the first thing Lukas thought of, because he didn’t think anything else could have been wrong.
Even though Lukas hadn’t been completely specific in his question, Bastian knew he was asking about the training. He understood his question. He just wished he could take the easy way out and make something up. Give himself another day to be around Lukas now that he realized how he felt, give himself a day to really decide if this was for real or not. “No, training was fine.” But he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie to him, no matter how hard telling the truth would end up being.
Lukas frowned. He knew something was wrong and if it wasn’t relating to the club then there was only one thing it could be. “Is something wrong with you and Dani?” He hoped this wasn’t the case. It couldn’t be. In the whole time he’d been friends with Bastian, he’d never once complained about his girlfriend. He’d never once mentioned an argument or a fight. Things had always been perfect. Had her patience with him run out, though? Before he even knew for sure if anything was wrong, Lukas was feeling guilty. If things between Bastian and Daniela were rocky, there was only one possible cause. They couldn’t have fought over anything else.
Bastian nodded his head, unable to speak. What was he supposed to say? Lukas had no idea what this was actually about, though Bastian could tell from the look in his eyes that Lukas thought he knew. He was right, to an extent. This was about him. He just didn’t realize how deeply involved he was. Bastian was once again feeling nervous and apprehensive, guilt and fear twisting his stomach into knots. How could he tell Lukas? He still wasn’t even totally sure himself about what he thought. Was it really possible that he was in love with Lukas? He knew that he did love him, on some level. But had that love actually become romantic? Shouldn’t he know, standing here right now and looking at him? Shouldn’t he feel it? All he felt was a mass of nerves wreaking havoc on his stomach.
Lukas didn’t hesitate in taking Bastian’s hand and pulling him into the living room, taking him to their designated meeting point when one of them had a problem that the other wanted to try and solve. The moment they hit the couch Lukas put his arms around him, desperate to try and comfort him even though he knew this was probably his fault. What if he had come between the two? What if Daniela was unhappy with the amount of time Bastian had been giving him? Would Bastian forgive him for it? Would it come in between them? Lukas was so worried and fearful at the moment of losing him, of something coming in between them. He didn’t know what to do except hold him.
The moment Lukas’ arms were around him, Bastian knew. He felt it then, that little spark of something, that niggling feeling that this just felt right. This closeness was right, it was comfortable. He clung to Lukas desperately, afraid that this might be the last chance he’d get to be this close.
Lukas was still just as worried; curious about what had gone wrong but so afraid to ask. He didn’t want this to be his fault, yet he knew it had to be. He pulled away from Bastian, moving back so he could look at him. But he slid his right hand over Bastian’s left, his fingers prying at it, slipping around it and holding it. “What happened?”
Bastian could see the concern, the worry in Lukas’ eyes, and it hurt. It hurt because he knew, at that moment, that he really was in love with him. He could try and deny it all he wanted to, he could try and say it was just friendship, ridiculously close friendship but still only friendship. But it was so much more than that. You don’t yearn for your best friend this way, you don’t think about him when you’re in bed with your girlfriend. Somewhere along the way, somehow he’d fallen in love with him. He couldn’t deny it any longer. “I realized that I’m in love with someone else.”
Lukas’ mouth dropped open in shock. In love with someone else? Bastian? Who on earth could he possibly have fallen in love with? He wasn’t around anyone else often enough to develop feelings for. This definitely hadn’t been what he was expecting. “Who?” Lukas’ expression was so full of confusion and shock as he stared at Bastian, waiting for an answer.
It was time. He couldn’t put this off any longer. Even though Lukas’ reaction wasn’t exactly the most comforting, Bastian had to tell him. He’d come this far and there was no way he could go back. He looked at Lukas, nerves still gripping him. “You.”
Lukas didn’t say anything, stunned into silence. Was he joking? Was this yet another stupid little plot of Bastian’s that he’d fallen for so carelessly and easily? It would be something he’d do, after all. Set up some elaborate scheme to really get him good, a joke that was so well-crafted and executed that he’d be able to re-tell the story for years to come. But one look at Bastian’s eyes told him all he needed to know. You couldn’t fake that kind of fear and apprehension. You couldn’t fake that nervous worry. But he still couldn’t actually believe it. “Me?”
Bastian panicked. What was thinking? What had he just done? And what was Lukas thinking? He couldn’t tell by looking at him right now, he was still obviously reeling in shock. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know. What if Lukas was angry? No, Lukas wouldn’t be angry over something like this. Lukas being angry with him wasn’t a possibility. Upset, maybe, confused and worried, but definitely not angry. Disgusted? No, he couldn’t see that either. Not that they’d ever openly discussed gays before, but Lukas had never seemed to have a problem when anything physical had happened between them or anyone else. Hell, Bastian had kissed him, twice, and Lukas had never reacted in anger or disgust. He’d only reacted in shock, before laughing about it a moment later. That had to be a good sign, right? That had to mean he wouldn’t completely shut down the opportunity? What opportunity, though? What did Bastian really want? Did he want that kind of a relationship with Lukas? Did he want them to get even closer than they were now? He still wasn’t sure. All he knew for certain was that he loved him, he loved him far more than he’d ever thought possible.
“I know this is weird, trust me, I know that. I still don’t really understand it completely myself. All I know is that last night, while I was lying in bed with Dani, the only thing I could think about all night was you. How your day had gone, what you were doing, if you were having fun without me, and how I would have rather been back here with you instead of being there with her. I didn’t feel comfortable sleeping there last night, and I should have. I should have fallen asleep right away and slept better than I have in weeks because I was with the person who I thought I loved more than anyone else. But I didn’t. I was awake all night thinking about how it just didn’t feel right lying beside her. I wasn’t even aware of it at first but I kept comparing her to you. She felt too small; my arms didn’t fit around her properly anymore. They didn’t fit as comfortably as they do around you.” He paused, unsure of what to say next. What did he want to say? What did he want Lukas to say?
Lukas didn’t say anything. What was there to say? This was the last thing he ever would have expected to hear. How could Bastian feel this way? He’d been so sure that if anything ever went wrong it would have been in the opposite direction, that this time spent together would have put a strain on their friendship. But now it had apparently had the opposite effect? He looked at Bastian, still in shock. “I don’t know what to say.”
Bastian wasn’t sure what to think. Usually he could look into Lukas’ eyes and know exactly what he thinking and how he was feeling but right now he couldn’t. Right now he was cut off.
Lukas was still so unsure about the whole thing, still in such a state of disbelief. This was too unexpected, it was too much and he didn’t know how to deal with it or what to think about it. “I think I need a minute to let that sink in. Alone.”
Bastian couldn’t hide the nervous look on his face. Lukas was angry, wasn’t he? He was angry that Bastian was ruining their friendship. “Do you want me to leave?”
Lukas shook his head. “No. I just… I’ll be in my room.” He stood up suddenly, dropping the hand that he hadn’t even realized that he’d still been holding. Without a second look at Bastian he left the living room, walking to his bedroom in a daze. He was still shocked over it, he still didn’t understand it. But worst of all was not knowing how to react to it. How are you supposed to react to something like that? What are you supposed to say when your best friend tells you that he’s in love with you?
And how could all of this happen without him even noticing? When did things change? He thought back over the past month and realized that things had pretty much changed from the beginning. His memories of those first few days in the hospital were proof enough of that. Bastian had been there constantly and not just in a physical sense. He’d been there to witness a different side of Lukas, one that had required Bastian to show a different side of himself as well. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t noticed. They’d both been acting so differently from the very beginning and by the time things had started to get back to normal, things between them had already changed. The way they acted together, the way they always seemed to be thinking about each other, the way Lukas had always felt calmed by Bastian’s presence.
But that wasn’t love, was it? That didn’t mean anything this serious. This was doubly hard for him because he’d never been in love before. He’d had relationships and he’d cared about those girls on some level, but he’d never really been in love with anyone before. So how was he supposed to know anything? He sank down onto his bed, not thinking twice about it before picking up his phone and punching in a number, the same number he always dialed when he was stuck and didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to think. The phone rang and was picked up after the second ring.
“Hey Luka! Don’t tell me my little baby brother misses me already?”
Lukas couldn’t help but smile just a little at the greeting, though he didn’t have the energy to return it. “Tina, I’ve got a problem.”
Tina always knew when Lukas was upset about something, but this time had her more worried than any other time had before because there was something very different in his voice. “What’s wrong?” Even though Lukas had become so famous, even though he was a hero to kids and adults alike across the country, he was still her little brother and she was still extremely protective of him. She wanted to be there right now because things just didn’t sound right.
He didn’t know what to say to her. He couldn’t tell her about this over the phone, though. Did he even want to tell her about this? He’d called her out of habit, without even really thinking about what he wanted to talk about. How could he tell her about this? But he needed to tell someone. He needed a second opinion because his opinion was non-existent. Should he pay her another visit, perhaps? Maybe it would do them good if he left for a few days. If they had space. Because how could they deal with this face to face? Bastian had only realized what he felt last night, after all. He needed time to really think about things. So a break would be the right thing for them. It would do them good. “Tina, can I come for a visit? I really need to get out of Munich for a few days.”
There was a moment of silence before she responded; obviously a little shocked at the request. “I’d love to say yes, Lukas, but this really isn’t a good time. I’m actually leaving for the airport in an hour to fly out to visit Babcia. She wants to see Marta, you know how grandmothers are.” She paused for a moment. “Why don’t you come with me? You know she’d love to see you too, see how you’re doing and all. I doubt a mid-week flight to Gliwice would be booked, and the flight does stop in Munich, after all. So why don’t you book a ticket and meet me at the airport?”
He didn’t have to think about it for long before accepting. Going to Poland with his sister was exactly what he needed. He hadn’t seen his grandmother since his accident anyway, and speaking to Justyna in person would be easier than doing it over the phone. That is if he could manage to actually bring the topic up with her. “That sounds like a good idea.”
He could tell though, given the way she was sighing into the phone, that his sister was very worried about him now. Lukas had never been the type of person to run away from a problem. “Are you going to be okay until then, or should I badger you to tell me what’s wrong right now?”
“No, I’m fine. I just really need to see you; I can’t talk about this on the phone. I’m sorry to worry you so much, but I just don’t really know what else to do right now.” He felt bad, all of a sudden, for barging in on her trip. He knew she wouldn’t mind, of course, but it still made him feel guilty. He didn’t even know how she would react to the news, after all. What if she didn’t know what to tell him? Should he maybe just stay here and deal with this on his own?
“It’s okay sweetheart, you know I worry about you all the time anyway. So go and call and book a ticket.” She made him write down the flight number, before asking him if he wanted her to call and book it for him instead. He said no, telling her to stop acting like a mother hen.
A moment later and they’d said goodbye. After getting off the phone with her, he immediately called the airline, inquiring about the flight number she had given him, feeling relieved when he was told that there were still open seats available on it. He booked one and then laid his phone down, before laying his head down on his pillow. What was he doing? Was leaving really the right choice? He did want to talk to Tina about all of this, but should he really leave Bastian? It didn’t seem entirely fair. What if Bastian didn’t want to take a few days apart to think about things? What if he wanted all of this dealt with and answered right now? It didn’t really matter for him, after all. It’s not like he had anywhere to be, or anything important to do. But Bastian was training, he had a game this weekend and if he left would Bastian be able to concentrate enough?
He didn’t know any of the answers to his questions. But he’d already booked the ticket so he was going to Poland, at least for a day or two so he could talk to Tina and see his grandmother. Bastian would be okay, wouldn’t he? He could take the time to really think about things, to really think about the feelings he was having. Bastian usually never let anything distract him, after all. Lukas had always admired that about him because he knew that he’d developed just a tiny bit of a habit of getting distracted by his problems himself. So really, Bastian would be okay. This would also give him time to sort things out with Daniela.
Did she even know? Lukas suddenly realized that he had no idea if Bastian had told Daniela about this or not. He assumed he had. How had she reacted? Was she angry at him? Was she angry at either of them? The more he kept thinking about the situation the more he realized that he did want to leave. This was too much for him right now. Things had been going so well lately and now this very strange problem had just appeared out of nowhere. How was he supposed to deal with it? Lately Bastian had been the one Lukas had turned to when he was facing something unknown. But now Bastian was the very cause of it and Lukas couldn’t stay. He couldn’t handle the change.
He should go out and talk to him while he had the chance, though. He didn’t have that long himself before he needed to be at the airport to catch the flight. But what would they say? What did he want Bastian to say? Did he want an explanation, some kind of reason for all of this? He wasn’t sure what he wanted.
He left his bedroom, walking back out to the living room where Bastian was still sitting. He didn’t sit beside him on the couch as he usually did, instead opting for one of the armchairs to its side. Bastian had noticed him and he was watching him now, obviously waiting for Lukas to say something. But he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know how to tell Bastian that he was leaving. It seemed even more selfish now, sitting out here in front of him. Since they’d known each other they’d faced every problem either of them had ever encountered together, supporting one another and just being there. Now he was breaking that routine and running away. This wasn’t like him at all, but this confession of Bastian’s had completely upset his balance. Returning Bastian’s gaze, Lukas finally found the words he needed to say. “I’m leaving. I don’t know how long, maybe a few days, maybe longer. I know it’s shitty of me to do, but I can’t stay here right now. I don’t know what to think about all of this, about what you’ve said. I’m sorry.”
Bastian winced at Lukas’ news. He was leaving? If he was leaving then it only meant that Lukas was not dealing with this well. Lukas didn’t want to be anywhere near him after what he’d said. Of all the things he’d been expecting Lukas to say, of all the ways he’d expected him to react, leaving had not been one of them. “Where are you going?”
Lukas was quiet for a moment before answering. “I’m going to Gliwice with Tina.”
He was leaving the country? For some reason that just made it even worse for Bastian. Was Lukas really so upset that he felt the need to leave the country? Did he want to be that far from him? He just nodded in response, though. Because really, what could he possibly say?
But Lukas looked like there was something else he wanted to say. He kept playing with his lips, pressing them together and biting the bottom one, like he was battling with himself on the topic of saying anything else. “How do you know?” It had suddenly just come out, his curiosity and confusion pushing the words out, demanding an answer.
Bastian looked away then, his eyes shifting down to stare suddenly at the carpet. Part of him had been hoping Lukas would ask him, while another part had been dreading the question. When he’d been down in the car he’d been able to make himself believe for a moment that Lukas would accept his explanation, accept his reasons with no delay. Bastian’s words were going to set off that alarm in Lukas’ head and by the end of the night he’d have accepted it and they’d be exploring their newly discovered feelings for each other. But now he was so scared to say anything. All of his reasons just felt silly, so inadequate. How could he expect Lukas to hear what he had to say and have it change anything? But he had to try, at least. “Because things have changed. I do things with you I never used to do, things I’ve only ever done with Dani. Just think about it, before this happened, did we ever do things like cuddling on the couch together? Have I ever laid down beside you when you’ve been upset, holding you so you could sleep? Did I ever kiss you goodnight before?”
“But you had to, because of the way I was. I needed that comfort when things were bad.” Lukas hadn’t meant for that to come out so defensively, but spontaneity was having a way with his mouth at the moment.
“Yes, I did. But you’re better now and I still do it. I still want to hold you all the time; I still crave that contact with you.” Lukas’ reaction had stung. Didn’t people get defensive when they didn’t want to believe in something?
“But that doesn’t mean that you’re in love with me. You just care about me.”
“I’ve always cared about you, Lukas. But this is different, my reasons for it feel different. Holding you now is different than it was at the beginning. I felt like I had to do it then. I didn’t have a choice, because you needed it and that’s why I was there. But now you don’t need it anymore and I still keep doing it. And now I do it because I want to do it. I want to be close to you. When you held me before, I just felt it then; even though I was so scared of admitting this to you it still felt so comforting to be that close to you.” He wanted Lukas to see it. Why couldn’t he see it? Why did he still look so shocked and disbelieving?
Lukas stared at him, not knowing what to think. He still didn’t understand it. How had Bastian let himself fall like that? How had he managed to not notice anything? Lukas still couldn’t see it; he couldn’t grasp what Bastian was saying because it was still so strange for him to consider it. They’d always been close. He’d never been afraid to do anything with Bastian; they’d always been pretty affectionate with each other. But they were best friends, it was normal.
Bastian could sense that Lukas was slipping away from him. The way he wasn’t responding, the way that comprehension just wasn’t dawning on him was making it all too clear that Lukas wasn’t following along. The realization frightened Bastian. “Every time I get close to you, Lukas, you never pull away from me. You crave that closeness too, I know you do.” He knew that was risky. But how else could he possibly get Lukas to see it unless he flat out told him what he should be thinking? What Bastian wanted him to be thinking? This couldn’t be one-sided. It just couldn’t be.
Lukas reacted exactly the way Bastian feared he would, by getting defensive about it. “Well of course I do! For the past month I’ve been scared out of my mind that my life was ruined, that everything I knew was gone. It’s only been recently that I’ve really accepted that things will get better, and that eventually things will go back to normal for me. And through that whole time you’ve always been there, helping me to see that things would be okay, looking after me when I couldn’t look after myself. So of course I wanted to keep getting that comfort from you, I still needed it! Just because I’m getting better physically, it doesn’t mean that I’m not still having problems in other areas. Maybe I just don’t talk about them so much because they don’t weigh me down anymore. But they’re still there, and I still want to get rid of them anyway I can. Being close to you always worked, you always cleared my head of everything. So I never wanted it to stop because I still needed it.”
Those were the exact words he’d been so afraid to hear. Maybe Lukas didn’t love him. Or maybe Lukas was in love with the comfort Bastian gave him; craving it the way Bastian just craved the closeness and affection. Maybe they were on separate pages. Maybe he had completely ruined things. Maybe he never should have pushed him that strongly. Maybe he should have given him a bit more time to try and accept it before suggesting that Lukas felt the same way without realizing it. Maybe he’d just ruined his one chance.
Lukas didn’t really realize what his defensive answer had done to Bastian. He’d just been shocked when he had insinuated that he thought that Lukas felt the same way. He didn’t know how he felt. He needed time to think about this. But right now he needed to pack his bag because he was running out of time, but he also wanted to be alone again. Things were so uncomfortable right now that he couldn’t think clearly. He stood up, looking down at Bastian, who was looking away from him. “I’m going to pack.”
Bastian didn’t respond. Lukas was running away again. He couldn’t really blame him this time, though. Bastian kind of felt like running away too, he was embarrassed that maybe he had been so wrong all along and that now Lukas would be so offended by his assumption that he wouldn’t speak to him again. He didn’t know if could deal with that.
So Lukas returned to his room, grabbing a bag out of his closet and hastily throwing things in that he would need. He knew he would probably forget a dozen things but that was okay. He was more concerned with just getting out of here instead, of having some time to think about all of this. With Bastian around it was too hard, he couldn’t concentrate. He zipped his bag shut and sat down on his bed. He tried to distract himself from his thoughts by trying to think if there was anything he was forgetting. But he could barely keep his thoughts on that topic for longer than a few seconds at a time because everything he thought about that he needed seemed to somehow make him think of Bastian.
He looked at his clock, seeing that it was close enough to being the time for him to leave. He wanted to get out of here before he and Bastian said anything else to each other that they might regret. He was so certain now with the way that talk had gone that they needed to be apart to think about things. They couldn’t resolve this right now, in front of each other. It just couldn’t happen.
He left his room and walked out again, dropping his bag by the door and returning to the living room. Bastian was still sitting on the couch and Lukas could see his reflection in the window. He looked like he hadn’t moved. “I’m leaving now.” He waited for Bastian to react. He watched as his best friend, or what had been his best friend, he wasn’t sure what to call him anymore, stood up and looked at him.
“Do you have everything?” Bastian still felt horrible. Maybe it would have been better if Lukas had just left without saying anything because looking at him right now was so damn hard! He just wanted to walk up to him and throw his arms around him and beg him to stay. He didn’t want him to leave. If Lukas left right now, Bastian felt certain that everything was going to go badly for them. He needed to be there to make Lukas understand his feelings. He still held out a bit of hope that maybe Lukas just hadn’t been able to see it yet, that he was still just in shock. He’d warm up to the idea if Bastian only had a bit more time to work on him.
Lukas nodded to the question, though he knew he had to be forgetting a few important things. But he didn’t really care about any of those things right now. He just wanted to leave.
Bastian looked at him momentarily before looking down, not really sure what to do from here. But then he noticed Lukas’ iPod on the table, where he’d left it, probably after listening to it on the couch. He’d probably want it for the flight. Bastian picked it up and walked over to him. “You might want this for the flight.”
Lukas quickly took it, a muffled thank you being his only response. As he slid it into the pocket of the jacket he was taking with him, he couldn’t help but feel guilty again for leaving. But this was right for them. He had to go. He had to think things through.
As Bastian stood near Lukas, watching him as he fiddled with his coat, he suddenly thought of something else that Lukas had forgotten. He walked into the kitchen, opening the cabinet over the sink. Though Lukas had been doing a lot better over the past few weeks, he was still taking the anxiety medication, though the dosage had been reduced quite a bit and Victor had mentioned that after another week, they’d look into taking him off of it completely. But without it now, Lukas would start feeling withdrawal symptoms, and Bastian didn’t want that happening. He walked back over to the door and held the bottle out to Lukas, eyes rising to meet his. “Don’t forget these, either.”
When Lukas turned around and saw what Bastian was holding out, he almost felt like crying. He was so desperate to get away that he’d forgotten something very important. And even though he could tell Bastian was obviously very upset right now, he had remembered. Was that love, then? When you cared so much about someone else that protecting them was always on the forefront of your mind, no matter what else was happening? He reached out and took the bottle, his fingers brushing over Bastian’s momentarily. He wanted to thank him again, but he couldn’t find the words this time. Saying them would hurt too much. So instead he crouched down to slip the bottle into his bag, feeling absolutely horrible.
When he stood back up he looked at Bastian, wishing he could say something more comforting right now. He just didn’t have it in him. “I don’t know how long I’ll be away for. You can stay here while I’m gone, if you want.” Bastian just nodded in response, and Lukas once again felt just a tiny bit of doubt creep into his head. He’d made up his mind though, and he had to go. “I’ll call you when I’m coming back.”
Bastian nodded again, a little shocked that Lukas was really leaving. He was just about to walk out the door and Bastian was so scared that when he came back, things would change for the worse. He once again wanted to beg him to stay, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to let him go. All he could do now was hope that Lukas would be able to see it on his own. He watched Lukas leave, turning his back and walking out the door, not looking back once as he headed for the elevators. Bastian was feeling so hurt, he wanted to run after him and hug him, just one more time before he lost the chance forever. But he didn’t. He watched Lukas get on the elevator, the door shutting behind him and he still hadn’t looked back at him. Bastian stood in the doorway, staring down the hall and wishing that Lukas would come back. But he wasn’t going to and Bastian knew it. Lukas was leaving him, unable to stay and work things out together.
This wasn’t how Bastian had expected it to go. It was nowhere near how he’d wanted it to go. Now this apartment felt even more uncomfortable with Lukas gone. But he’d stay anyway. Even though the circumstances weren’t good, it still felt like he ought to be here. After all, Lukas had told him he could stay. If he left, it might make things worse. Maybe if he stayed, Lukas would see it. Maybe, when he came back and Bastian was still here, waiting patiently for him, maybe that would be all Lukas would need. Right now Bastian didn’t really have any other choice.
The drive down to the training ground seemed to pass by far too quickly for Bastian. He’d hated to leave Daniela this morning, though she’d been quick to push him out the door so he wouldn’t be late for training. She’d been far too supportive, telling him not to worry about her, that she’d be okay. But she understood the harsh timing of this very well; she wanted him to concentrate during training today instead of spending those hours fraught with worry over this new situation. And even though he’d wanted to come back to her after training to try and sort this out, she’d insisted that he go to Lukas and deal with this as soon as possible. The longer he put it off and waited, the harder it would be and the worse of an impact it would have on him. But she’d also told him that whatever ended up happening when Lukas found out, good or bad, she wanted to know.
So now he was parking his car and getting out, once again staying away from the crowd of fans gathered there, snapping pictures and looking for autographs. He made his way into the building, keeping his head down and not looking at anyone, trying so very hard to get a grip on himself. He was worried about walking into the changing room and seeing everyone. Could he manage to pull off a normal appearance today? Would anyone look at him and realize that something was up?
Without any other choice he walked in, the majority of the team there already and in various stages of getting ready for the morning. He made his way over to his spot, sitting down and stripping to change into his training gear. Now that the adrenaline that had been propelling him through his confession to Daniela was wearing off, he was starting to feel the effect of being awake all night. How on earth would he manage to get through training today looking on form?
“Somebody’s looking a little tired today.” There was Andi, suddenly in front of him and looking down, a smirk on his face. “Lukas told us you finally went home for the night. Stay up late making up for lost time?”
Bastian looked up at him, forcing himself to grin. Of course. He could use that as an excuse, for the guys at least, if he wasn’t up to his standard today. Now that Andi had made the comment everyone would probably be making jokes about it for the duration of training. And even though it would hurt like hell and constantly remind him of just how badly things were going; it was so much easier than not having any explanation at all because there was no way he could tell them what was really going on. Andi’s comment also answered the question of what Lukas had been up to last night, as Bastian casually asked Andi if they’d gone out somewhere together. Unfortunately for him Andi immediately asked him why he was asking, if he was upset that they had taken Bastian’s other girlfriend out for a bit of fun. As soon as he made the comment Philipp jumped in and joined the teasing. They were alluding to the comment made by Torsten that day during training with the national squad, after the poker night. Philipp had told Andi all about it and now they thought they were getting a good joke on their friend. Of course neither of them realized what it was really doing to him.
Bastian glared at them the way he normally would have, though it stung when Andi referred to Lukas as his other girlfriend. What if things somehow worked out with him and Lukas? What if Lukas would surprise him and return all of those crazy feelings he had? What would they do? They couldn’t tell the guys, it would be the end of them, he was certain of that.
The thought distracted him so much that he’d ended up sitting there, unmoving, while the guys bugged him again. It wasn’t until Andi kneed him in the arm that he looked up, realizing that he’d completely tuned out. Andi laughed just a little at him. “Are you sure you’re okay? You kinda zoned out there for a minute.”
Bastian again forced himself to grin, shrugging his shoulders and trying to find something normal to respond with. “Eh, you know how it is after a long night.”
A few laughs responded to the comment. “Oh, to be that young and having sex that exciting, what a joy!” Willy elbowed Mark as he made the jab.
Mark laughed at it. “Enjoy it while it lasts, because the minute you have kids it’s all going to end.” The guys continued to give Bastian a bit of a hard time, joking and teasing until they got out to the training field, no one noticing how much the jokes bothered him because he amazed himself by doing such a good job of hiding it.
No matter how hard he tried to concentrate during training, every now and then Bastian would slip up. He’d be fine for a few minutes, he’d push everything out of his mind and focus on making if through training, but then all he needed was just a little moment of rest, a second to take his mind off of what he was doing and he’d be thinking about things, worrying about what was going to happen after training was over. He’d have to face Lukas, he didn’t have a choice.
He wasn’t sure if everyone else noticed how often he was distracted during the morning and he wasn’t about to ask for confirmation. Maybe he ought to fake an injury and try to leave early, find some way to get off the field and away from the club’s training ground. Usually the game took his mind off of things, but today it didn’t. Today those things were taking his mind off of the game. He really hoped that Magath wouldn’t notice, and if he did, maybe he’d cut him just a bit of slack given his excellent performance in the last three matches.
The morning seemed to drag on forever, the drills and exercises never ending. The practice game was a bit of a disaster at times. He’d play well for a few minutes, and then all of a sudden he’d get distracted and slip up somehow. The guys started teasing him again about what he must have been doing with Dani to leave him so off today. He kept smiling and laughing at the jokes, halfhearted laughter, but it seemed to appease everyone. And he did manage to somehow make some excellent plays during the practice, after all, when he could manage to stay focused for a few minutes. So it wasn’t a complete loss. And it was apparently enough to keep Magath off his back, at least for today.
When training finally ended Bastian didn’t waste any time in showering, changing, and getting out of the building. He lingered long enough to not make it look strange, he indulged a few of the guys in a little conversation, he made himself pay attention to what they were saying even though he so badly wanted to tune them out and try to figure out what the hell he was going to say to Lukas. When he was finally able to leave, at the same time as Micho and Willy, he made himself take part in their conversation on the way out to the parking lot. It was so hard to pay attention to them, to walk next to them and not run to his car. It was even harder when he had to follow them over to the fans, having no reasonable excuse to skip out on signing autographs when two of his team mates were heading over to do it.
He didn’t sign as many as he usually did and he wasn’t as social as he normally was, though he tried to be. He tried to smile and look up for pictures when fans asked for them. When Roy and Mark showed up to sign autographs too he took that opportunity to slip away to his car. He slid into it quickly, wasting no time at all in getting out of the parking lot. It wasn’t that he was in a rush to get to Lukas, because he was still totally frightened of what he was going to do, but he really wanted to get away from everyone. He needed to be alone to think about things.
He took the long way to the building, fiddling with the radio before finally just turning it off because it was distracting him too much from what he had to think about. What was he going to say? He couldn’t just walk into the apartment and declare it openly to Lukas. This wasn’t the sort of thing you just casually let slip, especially not to your best friend, to the person who was so involved in every aspect of your life. This could ruin everything if he didn’t handle it properly. And even if he did handle it properly it could still ruin everything.
But how could it go that badly? Lukas would have to see it, he would have to understand. After all, it wasn’t like this had been one-sided. Lukas had been there too, all of those times that Bastian had shown that strong physical affection. He’d been on the receiving end and hadn’t he seemed to crave it too? Weren’t there times when Lukas had reached for him, asked Bastian to hold him? Hadn’t Lukas always clung to him, depended on him for comfort?
But maybe Daniela had had a point. Maybe Lukas’ reaction was purely based on the way Bastian had been there taking care of him. Maybe Lukas had only ever reacted so willingly to all of those things because they had been the only senses of comfort he’d had during all of this. Of course Lukas had clung to him constantly. He’d grown used to it in those first weeks, when he couldn’t walk on his own and he’d been forced to cling to Bastian for support. He hadn’t had much of a choice then, so of course it just turned into something naturally comforting later on. It was a reminder that through it all, Bastian had been there for him. Lukas had needed someone there, someone to lend him strength when he’d been weak, and someone to help him find his way back to himself. That had been Bastian’s job, to take care of him. Falling in love with Lukas along the way hadn’t been part of the job description. It wouldn’t be something Lukas was expecting.
The more he thought about it the more convinced he was that this was going to turn out badly. This was all a mistake and it was going to end horribly for him. He was going to ruin everything. Not just his life, and Daniela’s life, but Lukas’ life too. If Bastian admitted things to him, there was no way they could ever go back to what they’d been before, what they still were right now. Lukas was going to lose his best friend. He was going to lose that connection because there was no way he’d accept it, was there?
But what if there was? What if he was wrong and Lukas was going to see their connection for what it could be? Or at least see it for what Bastian wanted it to be. And was he really sure he wanted it to be something more? Did he want to share something deeper with Lukas? So he had all of these feelings, so he loved him, but was he really ready to act on them? What did he want? Did he want a relationship with Lukas? It was so strange to word it that way. But when he thought about it, he realized that they already had a relationship. There was something there and he just had to hope that Lukas would be willing to see it.
He finally pulled into the parking lot of the building, parking the car and letting it idle for a moment as he built up the courage to do this. It was going to be rough, he knew that much. But as long as Lukas didn’t immediately react negatively, as long as he was willing to talk about it, Bastian was sure he’d make Lukas understand it. Lukas would listen and he’d explain and everything would fall into place and things would sort themselves out. That was how it was going to work out.
He got out of the car and entered the building, riding the elevator up to the seventh floor, walking down the hall and stopping in front of the door. This was his last chance to flee before he changed things forever. He just stood in front of the door for a moment, trying to build himself up. This had to work out. Too much depended on this working out. They’d lose too much if things went wrong.
He slid his key into the lock, turning it and pulling open the door and stepping into the apartment, the same apartment that only last night he’d thought of as home. It didn’t really feel like home right now. He wanted it to be home, he wanted to stay here and feel at ease and feel comfortable. But that all hinged on Lukas’ reaction and that reaction was something he was looking forward to with nothing but fear and dread. He wanted to be confident that things would go well. Really he did. But he couldn’t be. The possibility that this was all one-sided due to Lukas’ recovery was so strong; it was so plausible and likely, far more likely than the possibility of Lukas returning everything Bastian was feeling.
And there he was. Bastian had just finished taking off his shoes and was hanging up his coat when Lukas walked in, a smile on his face that Bastian saw out of the corner of his eye before looking back at the closet, taking a minute to fiddle with his coat on the hanger. Lukas didn’t appear to notice his hesitation, though. “You’re home! Did you miss me?”
Bastian wanted to act normally. He wanted to say no, he wanted to tell Lukas that he’d never had such a relaxing night in his life. He wanted to give himself a few minutes of normalcy before he went and complicated everything. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t joke around about this after what he’d done this morning. “Yeah, actually, I did.” He knew Lukas would know something was wrong the moment he said those words. It wasn’t what Lukas would be expecting him to say.
Not getting the answer he’d been expecting, Lukas was immediately concerned. “Is everything okay?” He moved a little closer to Bastian, standing in front of him. “Did something happen this morning?” The first thing he thought of was that something had gone wrong at the club. Even though things had been going well in regards to Bastian’s training lately, it was the first thing Lukas thought of, because he didn’t think anything else could have been wrong.
Even though Lukas hadn’t been completely specific in his question, Bastian knew he was asking about the training. He understood his question. He just wished he could take the easy way out and make something up. Give himself another day to be around Lukas now that he realized how he felt, give himself a day to really decide if this was for real or not. “No, training was fine.” But he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie to him, no matter how hard telling the truth would end up being.
Lukas frowned. He knew something was wrong and if it wasn’t relating to the club then there was only one thing it could be. “Is something wrong with you and Dani?” He hoped this wasn’t the case. It couldn’t be. In the whole time he’d been friends with Bastian, he’d never once complained about his girlfriend. He’d never once mentioned an argument or a fight. Things had always been perfect. Had her patience with him run out, though? Before he even knew for sure if anything was wrong, Lukas was feeling guilty. If things between Bastian and Daniela were rocky, there was only one possible cause. They couldn’t have fought over anything else.
Bastian nodded his head, unable to speak. What was he supposed to say? Lukas had no idea what this was actually about, though Bastian could tell from the look in his eyes that Lukas thought he knew. He was right, to an extent. This was about him. He just didn’t realize how deeply involved he was. Bastian was once again feeling nervous and apprehensive, guilt and fear twisting his stomach into knots. How could he tell Lukas? He still wasn’t even totally sure himself about what he thought. Was it really possible that he was in love with Lukas? He knew that he did love him, on some level. But had that love actually become romantic? Shouldn’t he know, standing here right now and looking at him? Shouldn’t he feel it? All he felt was a mass of nerves wreaking havoc on his stomach.
Lukas didn’t hesitate in taking Bastian’s hand and pulling him into the living room, taking him to their designated meeting point when one of them had a problem that the other wanted to try and solve. The moment they hit the couch Lukas put his arms around him, desperate to try and comfort him even though he knew this was probably his fault. What if he had come between the two? What if Daniela was unhappy with the amount of time Bastian had been giving him? Would Bastian forgive him for it? Would it come in between them? Lukas was so worried and fearful at the moment of losing him, of something coming in between them. He didn’t know what to do except hold him.
The moment Lukas’ arms were around him, Bastian knew. He felt it then, that little spark of something, that niggling feeling that this just felt right. This closeness was right, it was comfortable. He clung to Lukas desperately, afraid that this might be the last chance he’d get to be this close.
Lukas was still just as worried; curious about what had gone wrong but so afraid to ask. He didn’t want this to be his fault, yet he knew it had to be. He pulled away from Bastian, moving back so he could look at him. But he slid his right hand over Bastian’s left, his fingers prying at it, slipping around it and holding it. “What happened?”
Bastian could see the concern, the worry in Lukas’ eyes, and it hurt. It hurt because he knew, at that moment, that he really was in love with him. He could try and deny it all he wanted to, he could try and say it was just friendship, ridiculously close friendship but still only friendship. But it was so much more than that. You don’t yearn for your best friend this way, you don’t think about him when you’re in bed with your girlfriend. Somewhere along the way, somehow he’d fallen in love with him. He couldn’t deny it any longer. “I realized that I’m in love with someone else.”
Lukas’ mouth dropped open in shock. In love with someone else? Bastian? Who on earth could he possibly have fallen in love with? He wasn’t around anyone else often enough to develop feelings for. This definitely hadn’t been what he was expecting. “Who?” Lukas’ expression was so full of confusion and shock as he stared at Bastian, waiting for an answer.
It was time. He couldn’t put this off any longer. Even though Lukas’ reaction wasn’t exactly the most comforting, Bastian had to tell him. He’d come this far and there was no way he could go back. He looked at Lukas, nerves still gripping him. “You.”
Lukas didn’t say anything, stunned into silence. Was he joking? Was this yet another stupid little plot of Bastian’s that he’d fallen for so carelessly and easily? It would be something he’d do, after all. Set up some elaborate scheme to really get him good, a joke that was so well-crafted and executed that he’d be able to re-tell the story for years to come. But one look at Bastian’s eyes told him all he needed to know. You couldn’t fake that kind of fear and apprehension. You couldn’t fake that nervous worry. But he still couldn’t actually believe it. “Me?”
Bastian panicked. What was thinking? What had he just done? And what was Lukas thinking? He couldn’t tell by looking at him right now, he was still obviously reeling in shock. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know. What if Lukas was angry? No, Lukas wouldn’t be angry over something like this. Lukas being angry with him wasn’t a possibility. Upset, maybe, confused and worried, but definitely not angry. Disgusted? No, he couldn’t see that either. Not that they’d ever openly discussed gays before, but Lukas had never seemed to have a problem when anything physical had happened between them or anyone else. Hell, Bastian had kissed him, twice, and Lukas had never reacted in anger or disgust. He’d only reacted in shock, before laughing about it a moment later. That had to be a good sign, right? That had to mean he wouldn’t completely shut down the opportunity? What opportunity, though? What did Bastian really want? Did he want that kind of a relationship with Lukas? Did he want them to get even closer than they were now? He still wasn’t sure. All he knew for certain was that he loved him, he loved him far more than he’d ever thought possible.
“I know this is weird, trust me, I know that. I still don’t really understand it completely myself. All I know is that last night, while I was lying in bed with Dani, the only thing I could think about all night was you. How your day had gone, what you were doing, if you were having fun without me, and how I would have rather been back here with you instead of being there with her. I didn’t feel comfortable sleeping there last night, and I should have. I should have fallen asleep right away and slept better than I have in weeks because I was with the person who I thought I loved more than anyone else. But I didn’t. I was awake all night thinking about how it just didn’t feel right lying beside her. I wasn’t even aware of it at first but I kept comparing her to you. She felt too small; my arms didn’t fit around her properly anymore. They didn’t fit as comfortably as they do around you.” He paused, unsure of what to say next. What did he want to say? What did he want Lukas to say?
Lukas didn’t say anything. What was there to say? This was the last thing he ever would have expected to hear. How could Bastian feel this way? He’d been so sure that if anything ever went wrong it would have been in the opposite direction, that this time spent together would have put a strain on their friendship. But now it had apparently had the opposite effect? He looked at Bastian, still in shock. “I don’t know what to say.”
Bastian wasn’t sure what to think. Usually he could look into Lukas’ eyes and know exactly what he thinking and how he was feeling but right now he couldn’t. Right now he was cut off.
Lukas was still so unsure about the whole thing, still in such a state of disbelief. This was too unexpected, it was too much and he didn’t know how to deal with it or what to think about it. “I think I need a minute to let that sink in. Alone.”
Bastian couldn’t hide the nervous look on his face. Lukas was angry, wasn’t he? He was angry that Bastian was ruining their friendship. “Do you want me to leave?”
Lukas shook his head. “No. I just… I’ll be in my room.” He stood up suddenly, dropping the hand that he hadn’t even realized that he’d still been holding. Without a second look at Bastian he left the living room, walking to his bedroom in a daze. He was still shocked over it, he still didn’t understand it. But worst of all was not knowing how to react to it. How are you supposed to react to something like that? What are you supposed to say when your best friend tells you that he’s in love with you?
And how could all of this happen without him even noticing? When did things change? He thought back over the past month and realized that things had pretty much changed from the beginning. His memories of those first few days in the hospital were proof enough of that. Bastian had been there constantly and not just in a physical sense. He’d been there to witness a different side of Lukas, one that had required Bastian to show a different side of himself as well. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t noticed. They’d both been acting so differently from the very beginning and by the time things had started to get back to normal, things between them had already changed. The way they acted together, the way they always seemed to be thinking about each other, the way Lukas had always felt calmed by Bastian’s presence.
But that wasn’t love, was it? That didn’t mean anything this serious. This was doubly hard for him because he’d never been in love before. He’d had relationships and he’d cared about those girls on some level, but he’d never really been in love with anyone before. So how was he supposed to know anything? He sank down onto his bed, not thinking twice about it before picking up his phone and punching in a number, the same number he always dialed when he was stuck and didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to think. The phone rang and was picked up after the second ring.
“Hey Luka! Don’t tell me my little baby brother misses me already?”
Lukas couldn’t help but smile just a little at the greeting, though he didn’t have the energy to return it. “Tina, I’ve got a problem.”
Tina always knew when Lukas was upset about something, but this time had her more worried than any other time had before because there was something very different in his voice. “What’s wrong?” Even though Lukas had become so famous, even though he was a hero to kids and adults alike across the country, he was still her little brother and she was still extremely protective of him. She wanted to be there right now because things just didn’t sound right.
He didn’t know what to say to her. He couldn’t tell her about this over the phone, though. Did he even want to tell her about this? He’d called her out of habit, without even really thinking about what he wanted to talk about. How could he tell her about this? But he needed to tell someone. He needed a second opinion because his opinion was non-existent. Should he pay her another visit, perhaps? Maybe it would do them good if he left for a few days. If they had space. Because how could they deal with this face to face? Bastian had only realized what he felt last night, after all. He needed time to really think about things. So a break would be the right thing for them. It would do them good. “Tina, can I come for a visit? I really need to get out of Munich for a few days.”
There was a moment of silence before she responded; obviously a little shocked at the request. “I’d love to say yes, Lukas, but this really isn’t a good time. I’m actually leaving for the airport in an hour to fly out to visit Babcia. She wants to see Marta, you know how grandmothers are.” She paused for a moment. “Why don’t you come with me? You know she’d love to see you too, see how you’re doing and all. I doubt a mid-week flight to Gliwice would be booked, and the flight does stop in Munich, after all. So why don’t you book a ticket and meet me at the airport?”
He didn’t have to think about it for long before accepting. Going to Poland with his sister was exactly what he needed. He hadn’t seen his grandmother since his accident anyway, and speaking to Justyna in person would be easier than doing it over the phone. That is if he could manage to actually bring the topic up with her. “That sounds like a good idea.”
He could tell though, given the way she was sighing into the phone, that his sister was very worried about him now. Lukas had never been the type of person to run away from a problem. “Are you going to be okay until then, or should I badger you to tell me what’s wrong right now?”
“No, I’m fine. I just really need to see you; I can’t talk about this on the phone. I’m sorry to worry you so much, but I just don’t really know what else to do right now.” He felt bad, all of a sudden, for barging in on her trip. He knew she wouldn’t mind, of course, but it still made him feel guilty. He didn’t even know how she would react to the news, after all. What if she didn’t know what to tell him? Should he maybe just stay here and deal with this on his own?
“It’s okay sweetheart, you know I worry about you all the time anyway. So go and call and book a ticket.” She made him write down the flight number, before asking him if he wanted her to call and book it for him instead. He said no, telling her to stop acting like a mother hen.
A moment later and they’d said goodbye. After getting off the phone with her, he immediately called the airline, inquiring about the flight number she had given him, feeling relieved when he was told that there were still open seats available on it. He booked one and then laid his phone down, before laying his head down on his pillow. What was he doing? Was leaving really the right choice? He did want to talk to Tina about all of this, but should he really leave Bastian? It didn’t seem entirely fair. What if Bastian didn’t want to take a few days apart to think about things? What if he wanted all of this dealt with and answered right now? It didn’t really matter for him, after all. It’s not like he had anywhere to be, or anything important to do. But Bastian was training, he had a game this weekend and if he left would Bastian be able to concentrate enough?
He didn’t know any of the answers to his questions. But he’d already booked the ticket so he was going to Poland, at least for a day or two so he could talk to Tina and see his grandmother. Bastian would be okay, wouldn’t he? He could take the time to really think about things, to really think about the feelings he was having. Bastian usually never let anything distract him, after all. Lukas had always admired that about him because he knew that he’d developed just a tiny bit of a habit of getting distracted by his problems himself. So really, Bastian would be okay. This would also give him time to sort things out with Daniela.
Did she even know? Lukas suddenly realized that he had no idea if Bastian had told Daniela about this or not. He assumed he had. How had she reacted? Was she angry at him? Was she angry at either of them? The more he kept thinking about the situation the more he realized that he did want to leave. This was too much for him right now. Things had been going so well lately and now this very strange problem had just appeared out of nowhere. How was he supposed to deal with it? Lately Bastian had been the one Lukas had turned to when he was facing something unknown. But now Bastian was the very cause of it and Lukas couldn’t stay. He couldn’t handle the change.
He should go out and talk to him while he had the chance, though. He didn’t have that long himself before he needed to be at the airport to catch the flight. But what would they say? What did he want Bastian to say? Did he want an explanation, some kind of reason for all of this? He wasn’t sure what he wanted.
He left his bedroom, walking back out to the living room where Bastian was still sitting. He didn’t sit beside him on the couch as he usually did, instead opting for one of the armchairs to its side. Bastian had noticed him and he was watching him now, obviously waiting for Lukas to say something. But he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know how to tell Bastian that he was leaving. It seemed even more selfish now, sitting out here in front of him. Since they’d known each other they’d faced every problem either of them had ever encountered together, supporting one another and just being there. Now he was breaking that routine and running away. This wasn’t like him at all, but this confession of Bastian’s had completely upset his balance. Returning Bastian’s gaze, Lukas finally found the words he needed to say. “I’m leaving. I don’t know how long, maybe a few days, maybe longer. I know it’s shitty of me to do, but I can’t stay here right now. I don’t know what to think about all of this, about what you’ve said. I’m sorry.”
Bastian winced at Lukas’ news. He was leaving? If he was leaving then it only meant that Lukas was not dealing with this well. Lukas didn’t want to be anywhere near him after what he’d said. Of all the things he’d been expecting Lukas to say, of all the ways he’d expected him to react, leaving had not been one of them. “Where are you going?”
Lukas was quiet for a moment before answering. “I’m going to Gliwice with Tina.”
He was leaving the country? For some reason that just made it even worse for Bastian. Was Lukas really so upset that he felt the need to leave the country? Did he want to be that far from him? He just nodded in response, though. Because really, what could he possibly say?
But Lukas looked like there was something else he wanted to say. He kept playing with his lips, pressing them together and biting the bottom one, like he was battling with himself on the topic of saying anything else. “How do you know?” It had suddenly just come out, his curiosity and confusion pushing the words out, demanding an answer.
Bastian looked away then, his eyes shifting down to stare suddenly at the carpet. Part of him had been hoping Lukas would ask him, while another part had been dreading the question. When he’d been down in the car he’d been able to make himself believe for a moment that Lukas would accept his explanation, accept his reasons with no delay. Bastian’s words were going to set off that alarm in Lukas’ head and by the end of the night he’d have accepted it and they’d be exploring their newly discovered feelings for each other. But now he was so scared to say anything. All of his reasons just felt silly, so inadequate. How could he expect Lukas to hear what he had to say and have it change anything? But he had to try, at least. “Because things have changed. I do things with you I never used to do, things I’ve only ever done with Dani. Just think about it, before this happened, did we ever do things like cuddling on the couch together? Have I ever laid down beside you when you’ve been upset, holding you so you could sleep? Did I ever kiss you goodnight before?”
“But you had to, because of the way I was. I needed that comfort when things were bad.” Lukas hadn’t meant for that to come out so defensively, but spontaneity was having a way with his mouth at the moment.
“Yes, I did. But you’re better now and I still do it. I still want to hold you all the time; I still crave that contact with you.” Lukas’ reaction had stung. Didn’t people get defensive when they didn’t want to believe in something?
“But that doesn’t mean that you’re in love with me. You just care about me.”
“I’ve always cared about you, Lukas. But this is different, my reasons for it feel different. Holding you now is different than it was at the beginning. I felt like I had to do it then. I didn’t have a choice, because you needed it and that’s why I was there. But now you don’t need it anymore and I still keep doing it. And now I do it because I want to do it. I want to be close to you. When you held me before, I just felt it then; even though I was so scared of admitting this to you it still felt so comforting to be that close to you.” He wanted Lukas to see it. Why couldn’t he see it? Why did he still look so shocked and disbelieving?
Lukas stared at him, not knowing what to think. He still didn’t understand it. How had Bastian let himself fall like that? How had he managed to not notice anything? Lukas still couldn’t see it; he couldn’t grasp what Bastian was saying because it was still so strange for him to consider it. They’d always been close. He’d never been afraid to do anything with Bastian; they’d always been pretty affectionate with each other. But they were best friends, it was normal.
Bastian could sense that Lukas was slipping away from him. The way he wasn’t responding, the way that comprehension just wasn’t dawning on him was making it all too clear that Lukas wasn’t following along. The realization frightened Bastian. “Every time I get close to you, Lukas, you never pull away from me. You crave that closeness too, I know you do.” He knew that was risky. But how else could he possibly get Lukas to see it unless he flat out told him what he should be thinking? What Bastian wanted him to be thinking? This couldn’t be one-sided. It just couldn’t be.
Lukas reacted exactly the way Bastian feared he would, by getting defensive about it. “Well of course I do! For the past month I’ve been scared out of my mind that my life was ruined, that everything I knew was gone. It’s only been recently that I’ve really accepted that things will get better, and that eventually things will go back to normal for me. And through that whole time you’ve always been there, helping me to see that things would be okay, looking after me when I couldn’t look after myself. So of course I wanted to keep getting that comfort from you, I still needed it! Just because I’m getting better physically, it doesn’t mean that I’m not still having problems in other areas. Maybe I just don’t talk about them so much because they don’t weigh me down anymore. But they’re still there, and I still want to get rid of them anyway I can. Being close to you always worked, you always cleared my head of everything. So I never wanted it to stop because I still needed it.”
Those were the exact words he’d been so afraid to hear. Maybe Lukas didn’t love him. Or maybe Lukas was in love with the comfort Bastian gave him; craving it the way Bastian just craved the closeness and affection. Maybe they were on separate pages. Maybe he had completely ruined things. Maybe he never should have pushed him that strongly. Maybe he should have given him a bit more time to try and accept it before suggesting that Lukas felt the same way without realizing it. Maybe he’d just ruined his one chance.
Lukas didn’t really realize what his defensive answer had done to Bastian. He’d just been shocked when he had insinuated that he thought that Lukas felt the same way. He didn’t know how he felt. He needed time to think about this. But right now he needed to pack his bag because he was running out of time, but he also wanted to be alone again. Things were so uncomfortable right now that he couldn’t think clearly. He stood up, looking down at Bastian, who was looking away from him. “I’m going to pack.”
Bastian didn’t respond. Lukas was running away again. He couldn’t really blame him this time, though. Bastian kind of felt like running away too, he was embarrassed that maybe he had been so wrong all along and that now Lukas would be so offended by his assumption that he wouldn’t speak to him again. He didn’t know if could deal with that.
So Lukas returned to his room, grabbing a bag out of his closet and hastily throwing things in that he would need. He knew he would probably forget a dozen things but that was okay. He was more concerned with just getting out of here instead, of having some time to think about all of this. With Bastian around it was too hard, he couldn’t concentrate. He zipped his bag shut and sat down on his bed. He tried to distract himself from his thoughts by trying to think if there was anything he was forgetting. But he could barely keep his thoughts on that topic for longer than a few seconds at a time because everything he thought about that he needed seemed to somehow make him think of Bastian.
He looked at his clock, seeing that it was close enough to being the time for him to leave. He wanted to get out of here before he and Bastian said anything else to each other that they might regret. He was so certain now with the way that talk had gone that they needed to be apart to think about things. They couldn’t resolve this right now, in front of each other. It just couldn’t happen.
He left his room and walked out again, dropping his bag by the door and returning to the living room. Bastian was still sitting on the couch and Lukas could see his reflection in the window. He looked like he hadn’t moved. “I’m leaving now.” He waited for Bastian to react. He watched as his best friend, or what had been his best friend, he wasn’t sure what to call him anymore, stood up and looked at him.
“Do you have everything?” Bastian still felt horrible. Maybe it would have been better if Lukas had just left without saying anything because looking at him right now was so damn hard! He just wanted to walk up to him and throw his arms around him and beg him to stay. He didn’t want him to leave. If Lukas left right now, Bastian felt certain that everything was going to go badly for them. He needed to be there to make Lukas understand his feelings. He still held out a bit of hope that maybe Lukas just hadn’t been able to see it yet, that he was still just in shock. He’d warm up to the idea if Bastian only had a bit more time to work on him.
Lukas nodded to the question, though he knew he had to be forgetting a few important things. But he didn’t really care about any of those things right now. He just wanted to leave.
Bastian looked at him momentarily before looking down, not really sure what to do from here. But then he noticed Lukas’ iPod on the table, where he’d left it, probably after listening to it on the couch. He’d probably want it for the flight. Bastian picked it up and walked over to him. “You might want this for the flight.”
Lukas quickly took it, a muffled thank you being his only response. As he slid it into the pocket of the jacket he was taking with him, he couldn’t help but feel guilty again for leaving. But this was right for them. He had to go. He had to think things through.
As Bastian stood near Lukas, watching him as he fiddled with his coat, he suddenly thought of something else that Lukas had forgotten. He walked into the kitchen, opening the cabinet over the sink. Though Lukas had been doing a lot better over the past few weeks, he was still taking the anxiety medication, though the dosage had been reduced quite a bit and Victor had mentioned that after another week, they’d look into taking him off of it completely. But without it now, Lukas would start feeling withdrawal symptoms, and Bastian didn’t want that happening. He walked back over to the door and held the bottle out to Lukas, eyes rising to meet his. “Don’t forget these, either.”
When Lukas turned around and saw what Bastian was holding out, he almost felt like crying. He was so desperate to get away that he’d forgotten something very important. And even though he could tell Bastian was obviously very upset right now, he had remembered. Was that love, then? When you cared so much about someone else that protecting them was always on the forefront of your mind, no matter what else was happening? He reached out and took the bottle, his fingers brushing over Bastian’s momentarily. He wanted to thank him again, but he couldn’t find the words this time. Saying them would hurt too much. So instead he crouched down to slip the bottle into his bag, feeling absolutely horrible.
When he stood back up he looked at Bastian, wishing he could say something more comforting right now. He just didn’t have it in him. “I don’t know how long I’ll be away for. You can stay here while I’m gone, if you want.” Bastian just nodded in response, and Lukas once again felt just a tiny bit of doubt creep into his head. He’d made up his mind though, and he had to go. “I’ll call you when I’m coming back.”
Bastian nodded again, a little shocked that Lukas was really leaving. He was just about to walk out the door and Bastian was so scared that when he came back, things would change for the worse. He once again wanted to beg him to stay, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to let him go. All he could do now was hope that Lukas would be able to see it on his own. He watched Lukas leave, turning his back and walking out the door, not looking back once as he headed for the elevators. Bastian was feeling so hurt, he wanted to run after him and hug him, just one more time before he lost the chance forever. But he didn’t. He watched Lukas get on the elevator, the door shutting behind him and he still hadn’t looked back at him. Bastian stood in the doorway, staring down the hall and wishing that Lukas would come back. But he wasn’t going to and Bastian knew it. Lukas was leaving him, unable to stay and work things out together.
This wasn’t how Bastian had expected it to go. It was nowhere near how he’d wanted it to go. Now this apartment felt even more uncomfortable with Lukas gone. But he’d stay anyway. Even though the circumstances weren’t good, it still felt like he ought to be here. After all, Lukas had told him he could stay. If he left, it might make things worse. Maybe if he stayed, Lukas would see it. Maybe, when he came back and Bastian was still here, waiting patiently for him, maybe that would be all Lukas would need. Right now Bastian didn’t really have any other choice.