(no subject)

[lukas_rebuilt]

Chapter 57

It was their first day back in Munich after two weeks overseas (which they'd actually ended up spending just in New York, bolstered by the fact that they could walk through the streets and no one bothered them) and it was an adjustment. In their entire time in New York, they'd been approached by seven people on the street who recognized them (there had been quite a few more when they'd gone to watch the Red Bulls game, but he didn't really count those people since they were fans of the game anyway) and already more people had approached them when they walked through the Munich airport together.

Returning to Munich also meant that Lukas would have to return to the issue of his relationship, and after his time in New York, he really didn't want to think about it. Things had been great for those two weeks, it had been exactly as it should have been. He'd been happy and content and hadn't bothered thinking about the future. Now that he was back, he was thinking not only of Katya, but also of returning to football. What would it be like, actually training with Bastian again, playing with him, pretending they were only friends. Could they possibly tell anyone about their relationship?

He was interrupted out of his thoughts by Bastian prodding his arm and grinning down at him. “I'm going out to see my parents, my mom wants her souvenirs,” he said.

Lukas grinned and nodded. “Have fun!”

“You feel like coming?” He knew Lukas would be welcomed by his parents if he came over.

Lukas contemplated the idea, but knew he couldn't. He needed time alone to think about things. “Nah, I don't want to intrude. Besides, I'm tired, still dealing with the jet lag!” He winked at Bastian and knew that would be enough to get him conveniently off the hook.

“Fine, leave me to suffer on my own.” He grinned and leaned down, kissing Lukas on the forehead. “Not sure when I'll be back, probably not until later. You know how my parents are.”

Lukas grinned and nodded. “Don't worry about it, go deal with your family!” He grabbed one of Bastian's hands, squeezing the fingers. Bastian smiled down at him before rubbing his hand over Lukas' hair and moving off to the door.

“Don't spend all night sleeping!” Was Bastian's final amused comment before he left. Lukas waited a few moments to ensure he wasn't coming back before heading into his room and picking up his phone. He'd decided, just now on the couch, that he needed to come clean to Katya about his relationship with Bastian, and he couldn't put it off now that he was back. He dialed her number, hoping she would be free tonight. The sooner he got this over with, the better.

She picked up after two rings and sounded happy to hear from him. “How was New York?”

“Great,” he answered, feeling slightly guilty again. Could he really trust himself to see her again and actually talk to her this time? Would he be strong enough to stop her if she came on to him again?

“Listen, I'm glad you're back, I need to talk to you about something. You busy tonight?”

He was a little surprised by her request. Had Lena told her about his relationship with Bastian? “Not busy, I was actually hoping to see you too.”

“Oh, good,” she sounded a little relieved. “Can you come over, then?” Lukas said he'd be there soon, and they hung up and he sat on his bed for a moment, worry gnawing at his stomach. What did she want to talk to him about? Maybe she didn't know about Bastian, but she was having second thoughts of her own about their relationship? Maybe she was worried about seeming unprofessional by dating him after working with him? There were so many possibilities and he was going to worry about every one of them until he saw her.

So he stood up, checked himself in the mirror, grabbed his cell phone, and left his apartment. He drove over to her place just so he could get this out of the way faster. He parked and soon enough was standing outside her door, his heart hammering in his chest as he waited for her to let him in. She opened the door and greeted him with a smile, and he smiled back even though he was overcome with the sudden urge to grab her and hug her and tell her that no matter what she'd heard or was thinking, they could work it out.

He was shocked at how quickly his opinion on his relationships changed. It was kind of frightening, really, to think that two people could have this kind of control over him. He followed her into the apartment and she offered him a drink before they sat down on the couch.

“Listen, Lukas,” she started, not able to waste any time on formalities. “I only found out about this yesterday so I'm still kind of in shock and don't really know what to think.” She paused and looked at him, and he could see her whole expression change. Gone was the happy smile that had greeted him, and in its place was a worry and fear as strong as he was feeling himself.

“What is it? Is everything okay?” He instinctively moved a little closer to her, reaching out to grab her hand and squeeze it. Was something wrong with her?

She squeezed his hand back and took a deep breath before speaking. The words came out in such a blur that Lukas wasn't sure if he'd heard them correctly. He asked her to repeat herself. She did, and he still didn't believe it.

“Lukas, what are we going to do?” She looked at him and he couldn't hold in his own secrets anymore either.

“Katya, I'm in a relationship. With Bastian.” He wished he could have phrased it better.

Her mouth dropped open in shock. In the same way that Lukas hadn't been able to believe her news, she wasn't able to believe his. “You're what? With Bastian? For how long?”

Lukas wasn't sure how to begin explaining things, and he wasn't sure if wanted to anymore. But he owed her an explanation. “Almost two months.”

She nodded and pressed her lips together, not sure whether to laugh or cry. This was definitely something out of a movie - this situation couldn't possibly be real.

Watching her sit there in shock was more than Lukas could handle. He pulled her into his arms and pressed his lips to her head, wondering how he could possibly deal with all of this. What was he going to do? There was really only one thing he could do, though. There was only one choice he could make now.

“Katya, don't worry about any of this. I promise I'll make it all okay-”

“How?” She asked, her voice softer and more quiet than he'd ever heard it before.

“Listen, Katya... I love you, really,” she tried to pull away from him but he wouldn't let her go. “I mean that. I know my timing was all wrong, but everything that happened between us, that was real.”

“Are you sure you're not just saying that?” She fixed her gaze on him and he felt like flinching under it.

Was he sure? When he'd been on his way over here, thinking of every possible scenario (except this one) he'd felt panicked and sick with worry about everything that could possibly go wrong. He'd been worried about losing her, worried that something had happened that had made this decision for him. So no, he wasn't just saying it now. He did love her.

“Lukas?” She finally pulled out of his grip, holding his arms and looking him in the eyes.

“I'm sure.”

She was silent for a moment before speaking again. “Do you know what you're going to do?”

He bit his lip and knew that he didn't really have a choice anymore. “There's only one thing I can do now.”

“Don't be that hasty,” she whispered. “I don't want to be the person you have to choose, Lukas. I'd rather be the one you want to choose.”

He was silent for a moment, thinking about what she'd just said. Was he choosing her now, or was he letting the reality of their situation dictate his choice? But did it even matter? “That's my problem, Katya. I can't choose. I let this go on for weeks because I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to make a choice.” He paused before continuing, gripping her hand. “Trust me, when I left you that morning, all I could think about was how much I wanted to be with you. How I thought you were better for me. But then when I saw him again, I changed my mind. I was actually going to come over here to tell you about him and break things off. But then when you told me you needed to talk to me, I got so worried about something going wrong, about something forcing you away from me without it being my decision and suddenly I didn't want to end things with you. And now this,” he paused again, shaking his head. “I have to choose you now, Katya. If you want that, of course.”

Their eyes met again and she nodded. “I want you to be sure. I don't want you to feel obligated.”

“Well, I do feel obligated. But I'm also sure that it's what I want. You are what I want, every time I'm with you I know it.” He pulled her into his arms again and couldn't help but feel like the worst person in the world. How on earth was he going to tell Bastian? This was going to kill him.

But he wasn't left with any other choice.

Bastian was sitting in the middle of his parent's kitchen, his eyes on a two week old copy of Bild. His mother had showed it to him and asked him why he'd never mentioned that Lukas had a girlfriend. Bastian had just smiled and told her that he hadn't said anything because it was news to him - and it was.

It was so hard not to act more interested in it than he was, and while he usually wouldn't have put stock in anything Bild published, there was no denying these pictures. Lukas and Katya, having lunch with Lukas' parents. Lukas and Katya, standing on her balcony, his arms wrapped around her. Lukas and Katya, kissing. Bastian's blood felt like ice and his heart was pumping so fast it felt like it was close to exploding. He thought back to that time a few weeks ago, when she'd been there after the game, and when Lukas had invited her out to dinner with the team. Bastian had been suspicious, but he'd brushed it off, thinking it was good that Lukas had someone he could pretend with in public.

But these pictures weren't pretending anything.

“Well, I guess he maybe didn't want to say anything to you out of respect for you,” his mother said, reaching out to pat his hand.

“What?” Bastian looked at her, confused by her comment. Respect for what?

“Because of what happened with Daniela,” his mother answered, biting her lip.

Bastian nodded, remembering that he was supposed to be bothered about breaking things off with her. He supposed he wouldn't really have to pretend about that now, though. Not if these pictures were anything to judge on.

“How are you doing, sweetheart? I know it must be rough, even if feelings change, three years is a long time.” She held his hand again and Bastian felt like brushing her off. How could he manage to pretend when all he wanted to do was find Lukas and ask him what was going on between him and Katya. How could he sit here and listen to his mother lecture him about not giving up, and about how sometimes your heart had to break before you could fully give it away. He couldn't afford to think about Daniela right now when the person he'd left her for appeared to be smitten with someone else.

He wished Tobi was here too, because he knew his brother would tell their mother to can the sentimental talks, that Bastian was a famous footballer who had a wealth of girls waiting for him. Bastian could get out of the motherly advice session by teasing Tobi that he'd had to settle for the first woman who'd shown interest in him, and eventually their bickering would drown out their mother.

But Tobi wasn't here, and somehow Bastian was going to have to find his own way out of this uncomfortable situation.

It was two hours later as Bastian sat up when he heard the lock turning, his eyes on the door. Finally. He'd managed to shake off his parents half an hour ago, claiming that he was tired from the flight and time change. His mother couldn't argue with that. He hadn't been surprised to find the apartment empty when he'd walked in, assuming that Lukas must have used this opportunity to go and see Katya. He tried to stay calm, but it was hard.

He watched as Lukas came in, sitting still so he wasn't noticed right away. He watched as Lukas kicked his shoes off and made his way into the living room, jumping slightly when he saw Bastian. “Shit, Basti! You should have said something,” he smiled after making the comment, but Bastian couldn't help but notice that he looked worried.

“Where have you been?” He asked, sounding more accusatory than he meant to, but not able to help himself. He knew where Lukas had been - he could see it on his face. The guilt.

“I was just out,” Lukas replied, visibly bothered by Bastian's greeting. His made himself think about his conversation with Katya from earlier. He couldn't screw this up or put it off.

“Who were you with?” Bastian asked him, a little worried that ht felt so angry at the moment.

Lukas hesitated before answering, as though he knew that somehow, Bastian had to know. But how?

“I know where you were,” Bastian said, standing up and walking over to him, thrusting the paper at Lukas. “You might want to take a look at that.”

Lukas was frozen to the spot, unable to move. He hadn't wanted it to end this way. Bastian wasn't supposed to find out on his own! Lukas took the paper and looked down at it, his mouth dropping open in shock. He stared at his own face, saw his own image on the paper with her. He wasn't supposed to find out this way.

“Do you have anything to say?” Bastian wanted answers, he wanted an explanation. Usually he let Lukas decide when he wanted to talk about things, but not this time. This time he'd ask him until he started talking, and he'd get an explanation.

Lukas bit his lip and looked at Bastian before shaking his head and speaking. “I can't do this anymore.”

That wasn't the answer Bastian had been expecting. “Do what?” He asked, and he was surprised at how strangled his voice sounded. He desperately didn't want this to be real.

“This,” Lukas said, knowing that he had to say this now otherwise he'd put it off. He couldn't make excuses for his feelings anymore. “I can't be with you.”

Bastian was floored. What was happening? They'd just had two amazing weeks in New York, and things had seemed as perfect as they possibly could be, and now this? He didn't know what to say.

“I'm sorry,” Lukas started, knowing that whatever he said wouldn't be good enough. “I can't live in secret anymore, Basti. I thought I could, in New York, it was great. No one knew us, I wasn't thinking about the future. We didn't matter when we were there, we were just two regular people. We can't do that here. We could never come out, we could never live a normal life.”

Bastian looked at him, still shocked by his words. “So is that what you want? A normal life?”

Lukas shrugged. “I guess, I don't know. I just can't be with you.” He couldn't bring himself to tell Bastian the other reason, the one that had sealed it for him. It was too painful, too fresh. It would hurt too much, and he was still in shock over it himself.

Bastian didn't know what to say. He wished they were back in New York, blissfully unaware of the world around them and only thinking of each other. But had Lukas even been thinking about him? Had he been thinking about Katya too? He wasn't sure if he even wanted to know. “Does she know about us?”

Lukas nodded. “I just told her today.”

“And?” Bastian wasn't sure if he really wanted to know any of the details.

“And she's sorry. She didn't mean to come between us.”

“Of course she didn't!” Bastian couldn't help but yell. “She had no fucking idea, Lukas! You should have told her! Or you should have, I don't know, not gone out with her?! You brought her to dinner with your fucking parents-”

“That wasn't my idea, we just ran into her and my mom-”

“I don't care whose idea it was! You still let it happen! You let yourself fall in love with her, when you should have realized what you were doing! How long were you going to let it go on for before telling me?” Bastian was still floored and still angry and hurt. He just couldn't believe this was actually happening.

“I was going to tell you tonight, actually. I wanted to tell you about it before New York, but I didn't want to ruin our trip.”

“So instead you just decided to go on vacation with me, even though you were seeing her behind my back?” Bastian stared at him, shocked and in awe. “You thought that was okay?”

Lukas frowned and wished they could start this whole conversation over. “I didn't know what to think! It was all so sudden, and I wasn't sure what I wanted, and after New York I thought it was you, I thought it would all be okay.” He paused, knowing that he should tell Bastian the whole truth, but not being able to. “But then we got back, and I started thinking about things again, and I saw her, and,” and what? He wasn't sure what he could say. What did he want to say? I love you, but I can't be with you. I chose you, but then things changed. Nothing sounded right.

“So you've decided you want a relationship with her and not me, then?” Bastian focused his gaze on Lukas, and Lukas nodded, unable to say it himself.

“I'm sorry,” was all he could say.

Bastian just shook his head and didn't know what to say. “Alright then, go and have a relationship with her.” He brushed past Lukas, heading for the door. He didn't even stop to put his shoes on, he was so angry and upset and still in shock that he walked out the door in only his socks.

And Lukas just watched him go, unable to stop him. He wanted to stop him, he wanted to plead with him to not be angry, to not let his stupid mistake screw everything up. But he couldn't. He had to let him go, even if it meant letting him walk away angry and hating him.

Bastian sat in his car for fifteen minutes, numb. What was he supposed to do? He'd just come back from what could arguably be the two best weeks he'd ever had in his life, only to have everything fall apart. And now where was he supposed to go? He'd been dumped out of both of his homes now, and there was no way he was going back to his parents place. He pulled out his phone and dialed Tobi's number, hoping his brother would be home. He knew he was supposed to be leaving next week, but Bastian wasn't concerned about next week, right now he was only concerned about tonight.

Tobi didn't answer, and neither did his wife Kim when he called her number next. Who else could he go to? He couldn't call anyone on the team, because they would all question why he wasn't with Lukas, and none of them would even understand why he was in such a bad state anyway.

He stared at his phone and realized, with a sudden shock that made him sick to his stomach, that there was only one person he knew who would understand what he was going through right now, and thinking about her made him cry. Was this how Dani had felt when she'd found out? Had she felt like all the blood was draining from her body, like her fingers and toes were numb and her heart was beating so fast she could feel it when she touched her chest? Could he really call her about this?

He didn't have anyone else, though. He knew it was a horrible idea, but he was out of options. She picked up on the fourth ring (just when he was starting to worry that she'd blocked his number).

“What do you want?”

He bristled at her cold greeting, though he knew that he deserved it for calling her. “Are you busy?”

He heard her sigh, and he felt even worse for calling her, because that meant that she probably was busy, but was just about to cancel her plans to accommodate him (even though she'd promised herself she wouldn't). “No.”

He hesitated before asking, wondering if he should just leave her alone and go stay at a hotel for the night instead. “Can I come over?”

Silence greeted his request, and for a second he worried that she would tell him no. “Sure.”

“Thanks,” he replied, his voice laced with relief.

“See you soon,” was all she said before hanging up, and Bastian braced himself for meeting up with her. It wasn't going to be a happy reunion.

“So, let me guess,” she started, emerging from the kitchen with two bottles of beer and handing him one. “This has to do with Katya, doesn't it?”

“How do you know?” He asked her, curious. Maybe she'd seen the paper too and guessed?

“Lena told me, about Lukas and Katya.”

“Lena?” Bastian was taken aback at the answer. “How does Lena know?”

Daniela took a gulp of beer before answering. “Because she and Katya hit it off and started hanging out, and Katya told her. He fucked her, did you know that? Or, rather, she fucked him. Not that the semantics really matter,” she laughed bitterly after making the comment.

Bastian hadn't known that. Not that it mattered, of course. He'd still chosen her.

“Isn't this just funny, though?” Daniela took another gulp of beer before speaking, finishing her bottle. “This whole situation, right now. You left me for him, he left you for a woman, and now you're back here crying to me about it, and for once in our lives I have finished my beer before you even touched yours!” She threw her empty bottle at him, not even flinching when he cried out in pain when it smacked his elbow. He stared at her for a moment, perturbed by her actions.

“Are you okay, Dani?”

She was silent for a moment before answering him. “Am I okay?” Her gaze was pointy and sharp and kind of felt like a dagger stabbing out his heart. He wanted to look away, but he couldn't. “No, asshole, I'm not okay. I willingly stepped away from a three year relationship with you, a relationship I had hoped would turn into marriage and a family one day. I willingly, more like stupidly, backed off and let you pursue some harebrained idea of having a gay relationship with your friend and team mate, a relationship I knew would end in disaster, and now, when I finally find myself starting to get over it and ready to move on, it's over. It's fucking over!” She stood up and left the room, leaving Bastian sitting on his own in shock.

She was back soon though, with another beer. “And how are you doing? Are you okay?” Her voice was icy and cold and full of bitterness and Bastian wasn't sure who she'd turned into.

“No.” That was all he could say, because she didn't deserve to sit there and listen to him whine and complain. He was lucky she'd let him come over at all. He took a sip of his beer and didn't say anything else, keeping his eyes firmly trained on the carpet.

Soon enough though he heard her get up, and then he felt her sit down next to him. “I'm sorry.”

Her apology struck him like a slap in the face. She was the only person in this entire ordeal that had nothing to apologize for. She was the only one free of guilt. “Dani,” he turned to look at her, not surprised to see her eyes full of tears.

“No, it's not okay,” she shook her head, knowing what he wanted to say. “I know how you must feel right now, and regardless of what's gone on, someone yelling at you won't change anything, and it won't make either of us feel any better. I think I was just holding a lot of that inside and needed to get it out.”

He set his beer down on the coffee table and even though he knew she might hate him for doing it right now, he slid his arms around her and hugged her tightly, burying his head in her hair. She was right - it had been a stupid idea in the first place. What had he been thinking? He wasn't gay, he didn't like guys that way!

“Stop beating yourself up, Basti. You were legit in love with him, and that's okay. I never should have said that.”

His breath caught in his throat at her words. “How do you always know what I'm thinking?” He choked out, burying his head in deeper.

She laughed lightly, and this time it wasn't bitter or angry. “Because I know you. Taking two months off to go and do the gay thing didn't change who you are,” she wrapped an arm around him and leaned her head against his shoulder.

“I'm sorry, Dani,” he couldn't help but say it, because he was feeling sorry at that moment - sorry for her and sorry for himself. “I really fucked things up for both of us.”

“Yeah, you did,” she replied, because there was no point in denying it.

“So what am I supposed to do now?” He really didn't mean to ask her that, but he couldn't help himself. He needed an answer and she was the only person who understood what it felt like, losing your most important person in the world to someone else. He didn't expect her to actually have an answer for him, though.

“I don't know, Basti. These things take longer than a night to get over, you know.”

He knew that, the same way he knew that he shouldn't be thinking right now about how good it felt (even under these horrible circumstances) to be holding her again. The reality was that he had missed her, sometimes, and right now was one of those times. Why couldn't they be together again? Why not pick up where they'd left off? Would it really be so bad? They could retract what they'd told everyone.

He knew she'd never go for it, though. Not after what he'd done to her, and not after everything she'd given him. She'd been nothing short of wonderful to him through it all, but in the end, even saints were still human, with limitations. Daniela may be a saint, but she wasn't a miracle worker, and Bastian knew he would have to get over his heart ache on his own.