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Chapter 14 - Michael goes to have a parental chat with Lukas, while Torsten and the boys have dinner & drinks with Bastian.
Despite being alone the majority of the day, Lukas had been all right. After sleeping well he did feel refreshed enough to really sit down and work, which is what he did all morning. It wasn't too bad without Bastian here, since there usually wasn't too much interaction between them while Lukas was working. But when it neared lunch and Lukas started feeling a little hungry, he started thinking about the fact that Bastian was out with the guys, and he was stuck here by himself. Should he have gone with him this morning? Did he really think any of their team mates would make him feel bad? These were guys he'd worked with for the past few years, who were always supportive of each other no matter what problem ever arose. Why had he thought that they wouldn't want him around? The national squad wasn't like Bayern. Even with the constant competition for starting spots, there was still a sense of close camaraderie between everyone. There weren't really any divisions between the players the way there were at the local club. The moment you made it to the national team, you were immediately made a part of the group. No one made you prove yourself. Everyone was welcoming and friendly and tried their best to make you feel included in things.
So why had he allowed himself to worry that they might feel uncomfortable with him there? Why did he worry that he'd be shunned and ignored? He knew it had to be his mind messing around with him. There were numerous things he was worrying about that he shouldn't be worrying about. So now he was left feeling a little embarrassed. They'd expected him there and he hadn't shown up. If they weren't thinking poorly of him yet, they might be now.
Just when he was starting to feel a little distressed about his stupid decision to stay home, there was a knock at his door. He got up to answer it, surprised at first when he saw the girls standing there, but then realizing a moment later that Bastian had probably asked them to check in on him. The thought made him smile. They'd brought lunch with them and the three of them sat in the living room, chatting over the food. In a sudden split decision he'd told the girls about the diagnosis his doctor had made, about how poorly things had been going the past few days. They were very sympathetic and even Lena, who usually never showed much in the way of concern and caring, had sat with her arm around him and told him about her own experience dealing with anxiety, which not even Anna had known about. It was a nice surprise for him to actually have someone close who'd gone through something similar.
The girls stayed for two hours, and then had to leave for classes. He thanked them for stopping by and they both hugged him and told him to stay positive, that things would turn around soon enough. Then they were gone and he was alone again. He worked a bit more on his exercises, then sat at his computer and typed an e-mail to his sister, who had sent him more than a few nasty grams about not keeping in touch so well over the past two weeks. She was only teasing him, so he teased her back about never coming to visit him in the hospital, even though he knew she hadn’t been able to come see him due to her two month old daughter. She had suggested in one e-mail that he ought to come see her for a visit, and he replied that he’d think about it. Maybe it would be good for him to get out of Munich for a few days.
After a while he sat on the couch, watching a little TV to give himself a break. Not soon after he heard the apartment door open and he sat up, grateful that Bastian was finally back. He wanted to apologize for not going today. But to his surprise it wasn't Bastian that walked into the living room, but Michael. The shocked look on his face was one that made Michael smile and he quickly made his way over to the couch, taking a seat next to Lukas. “Hope you don’t mind I thought I’d stop by for a visit.” He pulled Lukas toward him in a tight hug.
Lukas had figured by now that the others must have convinced Bastian to go out with them tonight, leaving Michael to stop by and visit him. Or was it Bastian himself who had asked for the reprieve? The moment the thought hit Lukas he could feel the anxiety swell up. What if Bastian had complained about being stressed out? What if he'd realized, while out of the apartment and away from Lukas that perhaps he wanted to get his life back now? Even with everything they'd said to one another last night, he still couldn't help but feel worried.
Michael finally released him and sat back, but took hold of one of Lukas' hands, clasping it lightly and affectionately rubbing his thumb over the back of it. "I hear you've had a rough few days."
Those words had a bit of a surprising effect on Lukas. He felt as though he'd gotten a handle on himself during the day and had been intent on having a chat with Bastian once he returned about everything. But now with Michael here, Lukas couldn't help but feel like everything was welling up in his head again. He looked at Michael and frowned, not really knowing where to begin.
Michael sensed the sudden shift in attitude and pulled Lukas toward him, slipping his arm around him. "Do you want to tell me about it?" He could understand, looking down at Lukas now, exactly what Bastian had meant. This wasn't the Lukas he was used to seeing; it wasn't even the Lukas that had been present at their poker night the previous week. There was no sign of the confidence that Lukas had always displayed, there was only this unnerving uncertainty and insecurity and it was rough to watch. It was certainly a testament to Bastian's strength that he'd been able to deal with Lukas as he currently was without breaking down. It was hard enough on him right now and he'd only been here for a minute. But then he'd always had a soft spot for Lukas, so it wasn't too surprising that the scene was so heartbreaking for him.
Lukas leaned his head on Michael's shoulder, trying to keep himself as calm as possible. Breaking down in front of Bastian was one thing; he didn't want to break down in front of Michael. "What did he tell?"
"About your weekend and what happened yesterday." He didn't bother elaborating, as he wanted Lukas to do the majority of the talking. "But I want to know how you're doing, Lukas. I want you to tell me how you're feeling."
He knew he didn't have a choice; he'd have to tell Michael everything. Part of him wanted to just sit there and spill it all. It would be different talking to Michael about his worries relating to Bastian than talking to Victor. Michael knew Bastian, he knew their closeness, and he understood the pressures of their careers. He was part of the team and one of the figureheads of their proverbial family. "I am not well, Michael. Not getting better, faster and it frus-trates me. I know, it s-supposed, to take time. I hate not doing every thing."
Michael rubbed Lukas' arm and squeezed the hand he was still holding. "I know it's rough, taking time off for an injury is always hard, but it's worse in your case. We all understand that, Lukas. It's okay to be frustrated. Just don't let it impede your progress."
"I try. It is really hard.” Trying to maintain his composure at the moment, pressed to Michael’s side, was also really hard. He didn’t want to worry him anymore than he already was. But it was so damn hard for him lately. When he was in these moods all he wanted to do was just lie down next to someone and be held and forget about everything. But he hated it. It made him feel weak. He wanted to be able to talk about his problems and not get upset over them. He wanted to deal with them and move on, not focus on them the way he was currently doing.
Michael could tell Lukas was trying to act tougher than he was feeling at the moment. He’d known him long enough and watched him enough times to be able to see the signs. And with Lukas as emotionally fragile as he was at the moment, Michael was surprised he was keeping himself together as well as he was. But he didn’t want Lukas to hold it in right now. He wanted him to break down and be upset, to talk about what was bothering him. “Lukas, you don’t have to be strong right now. It’s okay to just let go and let someone else hold you together. That’s why I’m here. I’d rather see you cry right now then see you holding everything in because you think you need to be strong in front of me. You don’t. I won’t think any less of you for it.”
“I w-will think, less of me, Michael.” And he did. He hated being stuck in this emotional turbulence, but there was no sign of it clearing up. The medication did help, it kept it from being at the forefront of his thoughts all the time, but it was still there, lurking in behind everything else. It was stifling and clinging and he wished he could just let it all go but he couldn’t.
Michael sat up, letting go of Lukas and turning a little to sit sideways on the couch. He took hold of his hands and drew them into his lap, his grip strong but light enough to be comfortable. Lukas was already sitting sort of facing him, his right leg tucked underneath his body. Michael looked down at him and saw the turmoil visible on his face. “Listen to me, Lukas.” He waited until his younger counterpart looked up at him, his eyes telling the tale that he was obviously waiting for Michael to reprimand him on his earlier comment. Michael just squeezed his hands and looked into his eyes. “Being hard isn’t what makes you strong. Sometimes you show more strength by letting yourself fall apart, by trusting someone else to help you build yourself back up. But holding it all in, the way you’re trying to do right now, that’s not strength. It’s also not good for you, especially with all of the problems you’re having right now. The more you try to keep everything to yourself, the more bogged down you’re going to get and the harder it’s going to be to sort your thoughts out. It took me a long time to understand that, but once I did, life got a lot easier.”
Lukas didn’t say anything as he listened, a little surprised at what Michael had to say. It wasn’t what he’d been expecting, and it wasn’t necessarily what he wanted to hear. He knew Michael was right, as always, but he didn’t want him to be right about this. He didn’t want Michael to tell him that it was okay for him to cry because he’d been doing entirely too much of that since the accident. He didn’t want to fall apart again, even though he didn’t exactly feel like he was completely together anyway. He just wanted to put all of this out of his mind and move on and get better. But he knew he couldn’t. He knew he had to do what Michael was telling him to do, but it was a little uncomfortable. He’d always looked up to Michael; he’d always taken joy from all the praise the accomplished captain heaped on his shoulders. When Michael gave him advice he always listened, when he pointed out something he could improve on he always tried harder, and when he told him he was proud of him then Lukas was proud of himself too. But now Michael was telling him to push all of that aside and let him comfort him the way he’d never let anyone but Bastian comfort him. It felt strange, showing that type of weakness to someone he always wanted to impress.
“You plan on listening to me?” Michael wanted to know what was going through his head at the moment. Was he resisting? Was the stubbornness of youth getting in his way at the moment? He wanted Lukas to trust him, to know that he could tell him his fears and worries and not think that it would impact their relationship in any negative way. If anything Michael knew it would only heighten his affection for the youngster.
Lukas didn’t respond right away to the question, still feeling a little torn. Maybe Michael was right and he should just give in to those pressuring feelings and let his emotions spill into his lap. Michael only wanted to help him, after all, to protect him from making the mistakes he’d made during his years. He was just playing his role as the team father, while Lukas was playing his role as the team baby a little too well. All kids had to grow up and ask for help at some point, and now was his time. So he looked up at Michael and nodded slowly, still unsure about where to start.
Michael was relieved when Lukas acknowledged his request and he pulled on his hands, letting go of one to hold his arm out. “Come here.” He slipped his arm back around Lukas’ shoulders as the younger one moved himself closer to Michael, pressing against his side again. Michael leaned into the embrace, quite happy with his progress at the moment. It seemed like Torsten had been right. Even though Lukas hadn’t wanted to give in, he hadn’t really had a choice. Now it was up to him to make sure Lukas spilled everything he had to. He couldn’t help but feel the need to butter him up a little first, though. He just wanted Lukas to know how much he really cared for him. “Did you know that you’re my favourite?”
Lukas looked up at Michael, surprised at the comment. “F-favourite what?”
Michael smiled. “Favourite person on the team. After Torsten, of course.”
Lukas grinned at the mention. “Princess before the Prince.”
“Precisely!” They laughed at the comment, before Michael went back to Lukas. “But out of everyone else on the team, you’re next for me. I know I’m not really supposed to pick favourites, given my position of authority and all,” they both grinned at that line, “but I’ve always felt a little pull toward you. Probably because you’re still so young but so successful; I worry about you.”
“Y-you want, to protect, me.” Lukas smiled and rested his hand on Michael’s chest.
“I want to protect you. You’re like my fourth child.” Lukas laughed at the comment and Michael kissed the top of his head. “So I want you tell me everything you’re going through, okay? I’ll have a different perspective on it all then anyone else would, and I want to help you through this. Will you let me?”
Lukas nodded and started telling Michael about how things had been lately. He told him about his progress, how things were moving along too slowly for his liking, how easily frustrated he would get when he couldn’t do something, how guilty he felt about getting frustrated so easily. He told Michael about how he’d allowed van Bommel’s comment to trigger more worries and how he had kept his feelings to himself at the time, resulting in his sleepless nights. He told him about everything he’d been experiencing, but stopped before he talked about Bastian. That was the issue that was currently still the most exposed. “W-who idea, was it, for to night?” He was still wary that being away from him had changed Bastian’s mind about things and though he didn’t want to be obvious and ask, he had to know.
Michael looked down at him and smiled, knowing exactly what Lukas was thinking, based on everything he’d just heard. “It was my and Torsten’s idea. Bastian didn’t really want to go out without you, but we made him. We thought you two could do with some time apart. It’ll be good for both of you.”
Lukas felt relief at the knowledge. Bastian hadn’t wanted to leave him alone. He hadn’t asked for a night off. “Don’t know why, I think he wants to leave. We talk about it, every thing he said, I believe, that he stay, he w-wants to help, as long as I need him. But, I still f-feel guilt, and I get scared, that he will rem-member, what his life was, before me now. That he wants it back. Makes m-me feel worse, I not w-want to doubt. I sh-should not doubt him. But, I do.”
“I don’t think it’s really a case of you doubting him, Lukas.” Michael was finding himself intrigued at the growing bond between the two young stars. There was definitely something there other than friendship, some necessity they were both displaying when they talked about one another. They needed each other. “He’s just become so important to you that you’re afraid of losing him, and that particular fear doesn’t really have any other way to manifest itself other than having you think that he’s going to leave. You know he’s not going anywhere. You’re just afraid that something will happen that will take him away.”
Michael’s words made sense. He did know that Bastian didn’t want to leave, in the back of his mind he knew his friend would stay as long as he felt necessary. But he was afraid of losing him at some point. Bastian wouldn’t be there one day, one day he’d move out again and Lukas would be alone and he wasn’t looking forward to that day. He’d grown so accustomed to having the company in the past two weeks and he knew it would be ending soon. Not because Bastian would grow tired of looking after him, but because Bastian wouldn’t need to look after him. Maybe the doubt was just his way of protecting himself against the inevitable. “I am m-making ready, myself for when, he w-will leave. I not want him to leave, Michael. Is selfish, childish, but I like him here. Com-pany is nice, and when com-pany is y-your best friend, it much harder, to let it go.”
“It’s not childish, Lukas. Maybe a tad bit selfish, but we’re all selfish when it comes to what makes us happiest.” He certainly knew what he was talking about on that point. If he and Torsten’s relationship was anything, it was definitely selfish on both their parts. But it made them happy and in the end, that was the most important thing. And he couldn’t help but compare what Lukas was saying to how he’d felt at one point in his life. Wasn’t this how he’d felt about Torsten before allowing himself to admit that his feelings ran a bit deeper than friendship? He remembered that unshakeable desire to always want his best friend there, all the time. Was it possible that Lukas and Bastian’s relationship might change too?
“I hate being sel-fish. I know he w-will be happy, to get back to life when I better. I want him to go, back to life before this. But, I will be lone-ly. I not realize before, how lonely is, living by y-yourself. But after, having him visit w-won’t be same.” Lukas glanced up at Michael, wearing a very pitiful expression on his face. “I need to get, me a girl f-friend.”
Michael couldn’t help but laugh. The look on Lukas’ face, and the way he sounded almost depressed at the prospect of finding a girlfriend to fill the void Bastian was going to leave was just humorous. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. You’re just really growing attached to him, aren’t you?”
Lukas frowned. “You have a point. M-must sound like, I w-want to date, him.”
Michael smiled and tightened his hold around Lukas. “Don’t discount the future, Lukas. You never know what it holds for you.” Lukas let out an annoyed huff, not finding the idea as amusing as Michael did. But then that had been the way he’d thought at first too, hadn’t it? Not willing to accept that there was possibly anything more to the feelings than friendship? He’d definitely have to discuss this with Torsten, and see if Bastian’s feelings mimicked Lukas’ at all. Just because only one person went out on the limb of realization, it didn’t mean the other wouldn’t follow along after giving it some thought. He just wondered which of the two would be the one to see it first.
An hour after training had finished and most of the team were seated around a large table at their favourite establishment in Munich, Hirschgarten. Their food was now arriving and they were already on their second round of beer across the table. Practice the following day wouldn’t be until the afternoon, as the coaching staff wanted to give their boys a few hours to relax and hang out tonight without having to worry about an early morning. Training had gone well so Loew and the others wanted to reward the team.
Bastian was sitting in between Torsten and Philipp, enjoying the evening. It was once again very mild for the time of the year, the temperature barely requiring more than a light sweater. The waitress laid his order in front of him, smoked ribs. He, Torsten, Philipp, and Timo had all ordered the same thing and they were now pulling the meat covered bones apart, interspersing food with beer and conversation. Bastian was happy they had made him come out, now that he was here. He missed this. The hanging out after training before a game, sitting with your team mates and discussing the day’s events. Not that he’d missed much of it with the national squad, but he hadn’t really had much of anything to do with his Bayern mates since the accident and he found himself missing that daily interaction. He’d be heading back to training with the team on Monday, though, so it wouldn’t be too long before he had it back again.
But it would be strange, leaving Lukas alone every day. As much as he was itching to get back to training and playing, he felt guilty about leaving Lukas alone. He still wasn’t anywhere near ready to come back, and Bastian was going to leave him to start his own training again. He knew it was stupid of him to feel guilty about it, but he couldn’t help it. How would Lukas cope without him there during the day? And how would he get to his appointments at the clinic? Unless he dropped him off before making his way to the arena, but that would be cutting it close, and he’d still be training by the time Lukas was done. He hadn’t thought about that problem yet.
Torsten nudged his arm. “What are you thinking about?” He’d been paying close attention to Bastian so far, pleased to note that he did seem to be enjoying himself. But he seemed distracted at the moment.
Bastian shook his head, smiling a little before taking a sip from his mug. “Nothing.”
“Bastian, what are you thinking about?” That response gave Torsten his answer. Bastian was thinking about Lukas.
He shrugged, not wanting to admit that they’d barely been there and already his mind had shifted to Lukas. “I was just thinking about starting back with Bayern on Monday. It’ll be strange.”
Torsten smiled as he regarded Bastian. “You’re worried about leaving him home alone, aren’t you?”
Bastian glanced at him, looking slightly embarrassed. “He’ll be fine; I don’t know why I’m worrying. Although I don’t know how he’ll get to his appointments at the clinic. I won’t be able to take him anymore. I doubt Magath would give me the time off.”
Torsten made a face that expressed exactly what he thought of the trainer. “I’m surprised he gave you any time off at all. But definitely don’t expect anymore favours from him. Can Daniela take him? What’s her schedule like?”
“You know I didn’t think about that. I know she has a class Wednesday morning, but she could probably drop him off and go to class, then go back and pick him up. I’ll have to ask her.” He grinned a little sheepishly at Torsten. “Thanks.”
Torsten laid a hand on his head and ruffled his hair. “No problem. Now would you stop worrying about him for more than two minutes and enjoy yourself? The boy is fine.” He took a drink from his own mug before picking up a rib from his plate and biting a piece of meat off of it. He watched as Bastian spent a moment longer obviously thinking about Lukas, before trying to follow the advice.
On the other side of the table conversation had sprung up relating to an event from a recent game in England. “So Jens, I hear you had a bit of a scuffle with that Portuguese kid again. What’s going on there?” Metze, who was sitting a few chairs down from the keeper, leaned forward on the table to look down at the other man.
Jens grinned a little at the question. “Ronaldo? Yeah that kid has a bit of a mouth on him. He was talking shit to our little Cesc, which no one does. It’s just not accepted.”
The guys grinned and Metze nodded. “Daddy Jens, chasing the bad boys away from his baby.”
“Hey, you’ve gotta protect the little ones.” He grinned wider and took a bite of his pork, his eyes on Metze, who was laughing.
“You and Micha should start a daddy support group, share tips on looking after your kids.” Torsten offered the jab, looking across the table at Jens.
The keeper didn’t look the least bit phased. “Good idea. I’ll bring Ljungberg along so the two of you can share mommy tips.” Everyone laughed at the jab and Torsten, who’d been expecting one, just grinned and shook his head.
As if on cue, Bastian reached up and tugged on Torsten’s hair. He did it a second time before Torsten turned his head to look at him, an annoyed expression on his face. Before he had a chance to say anything, Bastian spoke in as high a voice as he could muster. “Mommy?” Torsten gave him a warning look which Bastian completely ignored. “Philipp keeps poking me.”
Torsten reached out and smacked Bastian’s cheek. “Keep that up and you’re getting a punch.” He waved his fist menacingly in front of Bastian, who just laughed and looked next to him at Philipp. “And you keep your hands to yourself Shorty!” He looked at Philipp, who was leaning against Timo and laughing.
Philipp wasn’t heeding the warning either. He looked at Torsten, and then looked down at the plate of potato salad in front of him. “Mom, can you toss my salad?”
Torsten balled his hand into a fist again and leaned on the table in front of Bastian. “You are so lucky he’s sitting here.” The whole table was laughing at the joke, and Philipp turned to look next to him at Timo, who put an arm around his shoulders and leaned toward him.
“Oh come on, mom! He just needs the juices spread a little.” Timo and Philipp laughed even harder as Torsten regarded them with a look of complete aggravation.
“The only things I’ll be tossing are your front teeth on the ground after I punch you both in the face!” He yelled the threat at them and they responded by holding each other and continuing to laugh.
“See, that’s why the kids don’t respect you,” Jens butted in, “because you make all of these empty threats. See if you get up and go and just give them a good, quick smash in the jaw, they’ll listen. All it takes is one.”
“Thanks grandpa. I’ll keep that in mind.” Torsten and Jens looked at one another, with the elder keeper sporting a wicked grin and the younger midfielder still looking annoyed.
The mood around the table was high as they continued eating and drinking and conversing. Metze, Sebastian, Hitz, and David were all currently talking in slightly hushed voices as they were ripping a large soft pretzel into small pieces. The others weren’t paying a great deal of attention to them, everyone involved in their own conversations.
After a minute of ripping the bread up, the four young men sat up straight in their chairs and moved their individual stockades of bread to their laps. Trying not to draw too much attention to themselves they went in turns, lobbing pieces of the bread at others seated around the table while pretending to talk about the newest movies they’d been to see. It wasn’t until David landed a piece in Timo’s mug that they were noticed. Timo stared down the table at them, his gaze being drawn to David’s grin. “Are you guys throwing bread at the table? Honestly!”
Everyone’s attention was drawn to them now, as everyone else who had been hit with bread was now directing their stares at the group of four sitting at one end of the table. The boys all pled innocence until Clemens Fritz reached down into Metze’s lap and picked up a piece of bread and bounced it off his head. Metze yelled at him and quickly snatched the bread back, staring hard at Fritz before bouncing it off of his face in retaliation.
The boys were well enough behaved to not start an all out food fight at the table, but the bread was flying for a moment once they were found out. Everyone laughed at the stupid antics, joining in and engaging in a moment of childish play. It died down after a minute though, but the smiles were still there on everyone’s faces.
The bread wasn’t completely ignored, though. Miroslav and Manuel, who were sitting next to each other, combined with David who was sitting across from them, had set up a little game. David held his hands out to form a goal and Miro and Manuel took turns flicking the pieces of bread at him. All was going well until one piece from Miroslav hit him in the eye. David held his hands up over that eye, but before he could do anything Manuel flicked another and it hit him in the other eye. He yelled at them to stop, and they looked at each other and laughed, while David shielded his eyes. “What the hell? I can’t see!”
Mike Hanke, who was sitting next to him and talking with Gerald and Jens, looked at David. “Oh come on, tough it up! What are you going to tell Jogi? I’m sorry I can’t play, I got hit in the eyes with bread!” They all laughed at David, who was still sitting there with his hands over his eyes.
“Waiter? I think I need some ice.” David played along though, turning his head from side to side and asking for ice. It wasn’t until Mike flicked him hard in the ear that David moved his hands and glared at him. “Ow! What was that for?”
Mike grinned. “I think your eyes are better now.”
“Yeah but now my ear hurts.” David and Mike laughed, and David threw a piece of bread at Mike’s face before flicking his ear. Mike tried to retaliate but Gerald joined in on the other side, and soon Mike had his head down on the table, his arms covering his ears. Finally David and Gerald relented.
Meanwhile Metze and Sebastian were discussing the obatzda Metze had ordered. It wasn’t as good as it usually was and he was trying to persuade Sebastian to try some, but as Sebastian wasn’t a huge fan of the spread, he was refusing. Finally Metze looked across the table at Arne. “Arne! Here you try it and give us your opinion. Arne the Cook will know.” He scooped some of the spread onto a spoon and handed it to Arne, who took it and smiled.
He tested a very small bit of it and frowned. “You’re right, it is shit.” He leaned forward on the table and held the spoon up, looking at Metze and grinning. Without saying another word he flicked the spoon and sent the cheese and butter spread flying onto the side of Metze’s face.
There was silence for a moment as everyone turned to see what had happened. One too many Arne the Cook jokes and finally he’d struck back. Metze turned to face Sebastian, a look of disbelief on his face. “Did he just do what I think he did?” Sebastian nodded his head while Metze looked back at Arne, about to speak.
But he didn’t get a chance before Sebastian did. “Here, let me get that for you.” He grabbed his best friend’s face and pulled it toward him, pressing his lips to Metze’s cheek and sucking the glob of spread off. The silence was broken by laughter from around the table, and Metze shook his head and looked at Sebastian again.
“He’s right, it is shit.” Sebastian nodded and kept his lips pressed firmly together, trying not to laugh. “Hold on, I didn’t get it all.” He darted forward again to lick the remaining bit off of Metze’s cheek, making quite the display of it for the amusement of the team.
Metze just looked at him with a slightly shocked expression before breaking into a smile. “Hey, thanks! See guys, that’s what friends are for.” He put his arm around Sebastian’s shoulders and they looked at each other and laughed. They got a lot of teasing from everyone about the depth of their relationship and with actions like that they knew they’d just keep getting it. But they didn’t mind.
Meanwhile at the other end of the table Philipp and Timo were having a bit of a dispute. Timo was holding Philipp’s mug away from him, telling him that out of concern for his health, he was cutting Philipp off for the rest of the night. Philipp was not amused. “Give it back, Timo.”
“No, you’re drunk, Philipp! I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t step in.” Timo was grinning while Philipp was glaring, and Timo further aggravated him by drinking some of his beer.
“Timo, fuck off.” Everyone was watching the scene with amusement now, laughing as Philipp got more annoyed.
“See? First you go knocking over glasses, now you’re swearing! Just take a deep breath. It’ll be okay.” Timo knew he was pushing it, but it was so funny at the moment that he couldn’t stop.
Philipp glared at him. “Oh come on! I’m sorry if I was distracted by Sebastian licking Metze’s face and didn’t pay attention to my hand! Besides, it was empty anyway.”
Timo shook his head. “No no that’s not the point! It could have been full.”
“But it wasn’t! Now give me back my beer.” He grabbed the inside of Timo’s thigh and pinched it really hard, until Timo yelped in pain and laid the mug on the table.
“Alright fine, there, take it! Damn you’re really possessive over your beer.” He looked at Philipp and grinned.
Philipp took a swig from the mug and laid it down before looking back at Timo and nodding. “Yes I am, and we’ve had this conversation before. It’s not my fault if you choose to not heed the warnings. You should know better.” He had a smile on his face now as he looked at Timo, quite amused now that he had his drink back.
Timo frowned. “Yeah, but, that really hurt.”
Philipp grinned. “Would you like me to kiss it better?”
Timo didn’t get a chance to answer the question as Metze erupted from the other end of the table. “Hey now, there’ll be none of that gay stuff at the table, some of us are trying to eat! Have some resp-”
He was interrupted by Sebastian, who darted forward and licked his face again. Metze pushed him away, trying to look angry but only succeeding in barely keeping a laugh to himself. “What are you doing?!”
Sebastian grinned at him and shrugged his shoulders, pointing at Metze’s face. “There was some stuff left…” As Metze intensified the glare Sebastian leaned toward Hitz, shrinking down in mock fear. Everyone laughed at them and after a moment Metze had grabbed Sebastian’s arm and pulled him back up, flicking his ear.
While the antics of his team mates were highly amusing and Bastian was laughing pretty much non-stop at them, the more they continued on the more aware he became of the fact that his other half, his partner in crime, was missing. Usually he and Lukas got up to some crazy antics of their own, and now he was just forced to watch as all the other pairs played their silly games and got everyone laughing. He’d been able to forget about it for a while, to feel like Lukas was just sitting further down the table instead of back in his apartment. But now that he’d thought about him, Bastian was finding it harder to laugh at everything. He just wanted to get back and tell Lukas about all the crazy things that had happened today, tell him about everything he’d missed. It wasn’t the same without him here.
Torsten had been happy to see that Bastian was enjoying himself, but the moment that realization occurred and he must have thought about Lukas, Torsten could see it. Not even the company of the whole team could make up for Lukas’ presence as far as Bastian was concerned. It tugged a little at Torsten’s heart, since he was also feeling Michael’s absence. But it was something he’d learned how to deal with long ago, and Bastian obviously didn’t have the same ability to put it out of his head that Torsten did. He put his arm on the back of Bastian’s chair and leaned down a little. “You want to leave soon?”
Bastian looked over at Torsten, a little surprised when he saw him there. He was torn at the question. On one hand he thought they ought to stay, at least until everyone else left. But then on the other hand he wanted to tell Torsten that they should leave now. “I guess.” So he tried not to sound too obvious about wanting to go.
Torsten still picked up on it though. “Everyone should really be going soon anyway; just because we don’t have early practice doesn’t mean we should be staying out all night.” It was getting a little late, and with the beer everyone had been consuming, an earlier end to the night was a good idea. He really did want to get back to Michael as well. They had so little time together now with him in England that he hated missing any of it. But this had been necessary after all.
So not soon after he’d asked, once things had calmed down again, Torsten stated that since Michael was missing, it was his duty to remind everyone of the importance of this weekend’s match, so they ought to be getting back to their hotels soon to get a good night’s rest so they would be in shape for the following day’s training session. Everyone agreed and promised they would return soon. Then he said that he and Bastian were leaving, so they stood and wished everyone a good night. They all told Bastian to say hello to Lukas and to make sure he’d be at the match on Saturday. Bastian nodded and said he would, and he and Torsten left.
The drive to Lukas’ apartment building was spent with Torsten asking Bastian how often he’d thought about Lukas during the night. Bastian grinned and said he’d thought about him more often than he should have, and Torsten smiled. He admitted that he knew how he felt, since he didn’t tend to enjoy group get-togethers as much when Michael was missing. They were at the apartment soon and quickly made their way up to the seventh floor. Bastian unlocked the door to the apartment with his key, being followed in by Torsten. The sound of the door had alerted the other two to their arrival and it was Lukas who appeared first. Torsten looked at him and grinned. “I’ve come to make a trade. Yours for mine.”
Lukas looked at him with a very contemplative expression, his eyes darting from Bastian to Michael, who had appeared now at his side. “Don’t know. I like yours, m-maybe I, keep him.” He slipped his arm around Michael’s and leaned against him, a playful grin on his face.
Torsten shook his head and frowned. “Oh no you don’t. I had to put up with yours whining all night, I want mine back now.” He laughed when Bastian protested loudly, before looking back at Lukas and jerking his head in Bastian’s direction. “See? All night long. I don’t know how you put up with it.”
Lukas smiled and let go of Michael. “All right, I will take, him back.” He looked at Bastian, clearly amused at the look of annoyance on his best friend’s face. He and Michael walked over closer to the door, where Torsten was still standing and Bastian was just taking off his shoes. Lukas approached Torsten and the older man moved forward to hug him.
“We missed you at practice today, brat. You’re coming this weekend though, right?” Lukas nodded and Torsten smiled. “That’s good, everyone will be happy to see you.” He laid a hand on Lukas’ cheek and rubbed it for a moment before embracing him again. He moved back so Michael could have a final word with Lukas.
After putting his own shoes on, Michael stood in front of him, both hands on either side of Lukas’ face. “You remember everything we talked about, okay? And call me if you ever need to talk again, alright?” Lukas promised he would and Michael hugged him very tightly, and then kissed him on the forehead before letting him go. “We’ll see you Saturday, Lukas, and you tomorrow Bastian. Goodnight guys.” Then they left, and it was only Lukas and Bastian again.
After locking his door Lukas walked over to Bastian and stood before him, looking at him and taking hold of his hands. “I want y-you to know, I am sorry, f-for not going.”
Bastian shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“I do. Every one, expect me and, I let f-fear make, my decision. I can do that not. I promise, to try hard to control.” Their eyes met and Lukas wanted him to know that he was sorry. He wanted Bastian to see it.
Bastian did. “I’m happy to hear that. And I’m happy that you’re going to come on Saturday. Everyone really did miss you today.”
Lukas smiled a little mischievously. “You miss me, today?”
Bastian returned the expression. “I think I missed you more than anyone else.”
“Good.” He pulled Bastian toward the living room so they could sit. “I know you practice, tom-morrow in afternoon. But, what if we go out, in m-morning? Shop-ping maybe, I don’t know.”
“Really?” Bastian was surprised at the offer. What had Michael said to him? “Are you sure you want to go out?” Every time they’d gone out so far, Bastian had pretty much had to drag Lukas out. But now he was the one suggesting it.
“Yes. Need to get, out more. I m-make break fast, too.” He was starting to help Bastian with the cooking now, and after surviving supper on his own, he supposed making breakfast couldn’t be too hard.
“What are we having? Cereal?” Bastian couldn’t resist the joke and Lukas punched him in the arm. “You hit like a girl.”
“Shut up!” Lukas laughed at his reaction, sinking into the couch next to him. “I cook whole break fast. Just, be sure to be around, in case it go wrong.” He looked at Bastian and they both laughed at the comment, picturing all the problems Lukas could run into the next morning. The night ended for them with a positive spin, their break from each other only seeming to have refreshed their enjoyment of each other’s company.
Meanwhile Torsten and Michael left the apartment, making their way down to the rental car Torsten had for the weekend. They didn’t speak until they were in the car, when they finally looked at one another. Torsten was the first to speak. “So how did it go? He looked pretty happy.”
Michael smiled. “It went well. He was a little apprehensive about talking at first; he didn’t want to get too upset in front of me.”
Torsten grinned. “That’s cute.”
Michael nodded his agreement. “Yeah, but you were right. I prodded a little and eventually everything came out.” He paused for moment, a bit of a more serious look on his face now. “He’s really getting attached to Bastian. He’s worried about being lonely when he moves out.”
Torsten’s expression flickered to one of curiosity. “Is that so? Because Bastian, well, I shouldn’t laugh, really.” Torsten started to chuckle a little as he thought about the night. “I mean he had a good time, and he really needed some time away. He’d get involved in the conversation and laugh and talk, but then once he had a moment to just sit back and be quiet, I know he’d start thinking about Lukas. I even asked him about it and he got all embarrassed. Said that he knew he shouldn’t be worrying, but it just felt weird not to have Lukas there.”
Their eyes met and their individual thoughts from the night seemed to meld together, their eyes saying everything they were thinking. The silence lasted for a moment, before Michael broke it. “They remind me of us.”
Torsten smiled. “I think so too.”
Michael reached over and laid his hand on Torsten’s leg, squeezing it. “Do you think they’ll wind up like us?”
Torsten looked down at Michael’s hand and laced his own over top of it. “I don’t know.” He looked back up at Michael. “But part of me hopes they do.”
Michael smiled and leaned over toward Torsten, hoping the darkness of the night and the emptiness of the parking lot were the only witnesses as he kissed him. “Everyone should have something like this. We’re lucky we do.”
“We are.” Torsten reached up to brush his fingers over Michael’s cheek.
Michael leaned his head forward to rest against Torsten’s. “I love you.”
Torsten grinned. “I love it when you get all sappy and romantic.” He laughed when Michael sat back up and shook his head, looking at him with a just ever so slightly annoyed expression. Torsten squeezed Michael’s hand and brought it up to his lips, kissing the back of it. “I love you too.”
They stared at each other for a moment longer. “Hotel?” Michael broke the silence with the request and Torsten nodded.
“Hotel.” He drove off from the apartment building, heading for the hotel at which they were sharing a room. Torsten knew he’d be paying for his little joke about Michael, but it was worth it. Tonight had been worth it. If they got to play a part in helping Lukas and Bastian form something of the likes of which he and Michael shared, then everything they’d have to endure to help them get there would be worth it.
Despite being alone the majority of the day, Lukas had been all right. After sleeping well he did feel refreshed enough to really sit down and work, which is what he did all morning. It wasn't too bad without Bastian here, since there usually wasn't too much interaction between them while Lukas was working. But when it neared lunch and Lukas started feeling a little hungry, he started thinking about the fact that Bastian was out with the guys, and he was stuck here by himself. Should he have gone with him this morning? Did he really think any of their team mates would make him feel bad? These were guys he'd worked with for the past few years, who were always supportive of each other no matter what problem ever arose. Why had he thought that they wouldn't want him around? The national squad wasn't like Bayern. Even with the constant competition for starting spots, there was still a sense of close camaraderie between everyone. There weren't really any divisions between the players the way there were at the local club. The moment you made it to the national team, you were immediately made a part of the group. No one made you prove yourself. Everyone was welcoming and friendly and tried their best to make you feel included in things.
So why had he allowed himself to worry that they might feel uncomfortable with him there? Why did he worry that he'd be shunned and ignored? He knew it had to be his mind messing around with him. There were numerous things he was worrying about that he shouldn't be worrying about. So now he was left feeling a little embarrassed. They'd expected him there and he hadn't shown up. If they weren't thinking poorly of him yet, they might be now.
Just when he was starting to feel a little distressed about his stupid decision to stay home, there was a knock at his door. He got up to answer it, surprised at first when he saw the girls standing there, but then realizing a moment later that Bastian had probably asked them to check in on him. The thought made him smile. They'd brought lunch with them and the three of them sat in the living room, chatting over the food. In a sudden split decision he'd told the girls about the diagnosis his doctor had made, about how poorly things had been going the past few days. They were very sympathetic and even Lena, who usually never showed much in the way of concern and caring, had sat with her arm around him and told him about her own experience dealing with anxiety, which not even Anna had known about. It was a nice surprise for him to actually have someone close who'd gone through something similar.
The girls stayed for two hours, and then had to leave for classes. He thanked them for stopping by and they both hugged him and told him to stay positive, that things would turn around soon enough. Then they were gone and he was alone again. He worked a bit more on his exercises, then sat at his computer and typed an e-mail to his sister, who had sent him more than a few nasty grams about not keeping in touch so well over the past two weeks. She was only teasing him, so he teased her back about never coming to visit him in the hospital, even though he knew she hadn’t been able to come see him due to her two month old daughter. She had suggested in one e-mail that he ought to come see her for a visit, and he replied that he’d think about it. Maybe it would be good for him to get out of Munich for a few days.
After a while he sat on the couch, watching a little TV to give himself a break. Not soon after he heard the apartment door open and he sat up, grateful that Bastian was finally back. He wanted to apologize for not going today. But to his surprise it wasn't Bastian that walked into the living room, but Michael. The shocked look on his face was one that made Michael smile and he quickly made his way over to the couch, taking a seat next to Lukas. “Hope you don’t mind I thought I’d stop by for a visit.” He pulled Lukas toward him in a tight hug.
Lukas had figured by now that the others must have convinced Bastian to go out with them tonight, leaving Michael to stop by and visit him. Or was it Bastian himself who had asked for the reprieve? The moment the thought hit Lukas he could feel the anxiety swell up. What if Bastian had complained about being stressed out? What if he'd realized, while out of the apartment and away from Lukas that perhaps he wanted to get his life back now? Even with everything they'd said to one another last night, he still couldn't help but feel worried.
Michael finally released him and sat back, but took hold of one of Lukas' hands, clasping it lightly and affectionately rubbing his thumb over the back of it. "I hear you've had a rough few days."
Those words had a bit of a surprising effect on Lukas. He felt as though he'd gotten a handle on himself during the day and had been intent on having a chat with Bastian once he returned about everything. But now with Michael here, Lukas couldn't help but feel like everything was welling up in his head again. He looked at Michael and frowned, not really knowing where to begin.
Michael sensed the sudden shift in attitude and pulled Lukas toward him, slipping his arm around him. "Do you want to tell me about it?" He could understand, looking down at Lukas now, exactly what Bastian had meant. This wasn't the Lukas he was used to seeing; it wasn't even the Lukas that had been present at their poker night the previous week. There was no sign of the confidence that Lukas had always displayed, there was only this unnerving uncertainty and insecurity and it was rough to watch. It was certainly a testament to Bastian's strength that he'd been able to deal with Lukas as he currently was without breaking down. It was hard enough on him right now and he'd only been here for a minute. But then he'd always had a soft spot for Lukas, so it wasn't too surprising that the scene was so heartbreaking for him.
Lukas leaned his head on Michael's shoulder, trying to keep himself as calm as possible. Breaking down in front of Bastian was one thing; he didn't want to break down in front of Michael. "What did he tell?"
"About your weekend and what happened yesterday." He didn't bother elaborating, as he wanted Lukas to do the majority of the talking. "But I want to know how you're doing, Lukas. I want you to tell me how you're feeling."
He knew he didn't have a choice; he'd have to tell Michael everything. Part of him wanted to just sit there and spill it all. It would be different talking to Michael about his worries relating to Bastian than talking to Victor. Michael knew Bastian, he knew their closeness, and he understood the pressures of their careers. He was part of the team and one of the figureheads of their proverbial family. "I am not well, Michael. Not getting better, faster and it frus-trates me. I know, it s-supposed, to take time. I hate not doing every thing."
Michael rubbed Lukas' arm and squeezed the hand he was still holding. "I know it's rough, taking time off for an injury is always hard, but it's worse in your case. We all understand that, Lukas. It's okay to be frustrated. Just don't let it impede your progress."
"I try. It is really hard.” Trying to maintain his composure at the moment, pressed to Michael’s side, was also really hard. He didn’t want to worry him anymore than he already was. But it was so damn hard for him lately. When he was in these moods all he wanted to do was just lie down next to someone and be held and forget about everything. But he hated it. It made him feel weak. He wanted to be able to talk about his problems and not get upset over them. He wanted to deal with them and move on, not focus on them the way he was currently doing.
Michael could tell Lukas was trying to act tougher than he was feeling at the moment. He’d known him long enough and watched him enough times to be able to see the signs. And with Lukas as emotionally fragile as he was at the moment, Michael was surprised he was keeping himself together as well as he was. But he didn’t want Lukas to hold it in right now. He wanted him to break down and be upset, to talk about what was bothering him. “Lukas, you don’t have to be strong right now. It’s okay to just let go and let someone else hold you together. That’s why I’m here. I’d rather see you cry right now then see you holding everything in because you think you need to be strong in front of me. You don’t. I won’t think any less of you for it.”
“I w-will think, less of me, Michael.” And he did. He hated being stuck in this emotional turbulence, but there was no sign of it clearing up. The medication did help, it kept it from being at the forefront of his thoughts all the time, but it was still there, lurking in behind everything else. It was stifling and clinging and he wished he could just let it all go but he couldn’t.
Michael sat up, letting go of Lukas and turning a little to sit sideways on the couch. He took hold of his hands and drew them into his lap, his grip strong but light enough to be comfortable. Lukas was already sitting sort of facing him, his right leg tucked underneath his body. Michael looked down at him and saw the turmoil visible on his face. “Listen to me, Lukas.” He waited until his younger counterpart looked up at him, his eyes telling the tale that he was obviously waiting for Michael to reprimand him on his earlier comment. Michael just squeezed his hands and looked into his eyes. “Being hard isn’t what makes you strong. Sometimes you show more strength by letting yourself fall apart, by trusting someone else to help you build yourself back up. But holding it all in, the way you’re trying to do right now, that’s not strength. It’s also not good for you, especially with all of the problems you’re having right now. The more you try to keep everything to yourself, the more bogged down you’re going to get and the harder it’s going to be to sort your thoughts out. It took me a long time to understand that, but once I did, life got a lot easier.”
Lukas didn’t say anything as he listened, a little surprised at what Michael had to say. It wasn’t what he’d been expecting, and it wasn’t necessarily what he wanted to hear. He knew Michael was right, as always, but he didn’t want him to be right about this. He didn’t want Michael to tell him that it was okay for him to cry because he’d been doing entirely too much of that since the accident. He didn’t want to fall apart again, even though he didn’t exactly feel like he was completely together anyway. He just wanted to put all of this out of his mind and move on and get better. But he knew he couldn’t. He knew he had to do what Michael was telling him to do, but it was a little uncomfortable. He’d always looked up to Michael; he’d always taken joy from all the praise the accomplished captain heaped on his shoulders. When Michael gave him advice he always listened, when he pointed out something he could improve on he always tried harder, and when he told him he was proud of him then Lukas was proud of himself too. But now Michael was telling him to push all of that aside and let him comfort him the way he’d never let anyone but Bastian comfort him. It felt strange, showing that type of weakness to someone he always wanted to impress.
“You plan on listening to me?” Michael wanted to know what was going through his head at the moment. Was he resisting? Was the stubbornness of youth getting in his way at the moment? He wanted Lukas to trust him, to know that he could tell him his fears and worries and not think that it would impact their relationship in any negative way. If anything Michael knew it would only heighten his affection for the youngster.
Lukas didn’t respond right away to the question, still feeling a little torn. Maybe Michael was right and he should just give in to those pressuring feelings and let his emotions spill into his lap. Michael only wanted to help him, after all, to protect him from making the mistakes he’d made during his years. He was just playing his role as the team father, while Lukas was playing his role as the team baby a little too well. All kids had to grow up and ask for help at some point, and now was his time. So he looked up at Michael and nodded slowly, still unsure about where to start.
Michael was relieved when Lukas acknowledged his request and he pulled on his hands, letting go of one to hold his arm out. “Come here.” He slipped his arm back around Lukas’ shoulders as the younger one moved himself closer to Michael, pressing against his side again. Michael leaned into the embrace, quite happy with his progress at the moment. It seemed like Torsten had been right. Even though Lukas hadn’t wanted to give in, he hadn’t really had a choice. Now it was up to him to make sure Lukas spilled everything he had to. He couldn’t help but feel the need to butter him up a little first, though. He just wanted Lukas to know how much he really cared for him. “Did you know that you’re my favourite?”
Lukas looked up at Michael, surprised at the comment. “F-favourite what?”
Michael smiled. “Favourite person on the team. After Torsten, of course.”
Lukas grinned at the mention. “Princess before the Prince.”
“Precisely!” They laughed at the comment, before Michael went back to Lukas. “But out of everyone else on the team, you’re next for me. I know I’m not really supposed to pick favourites, given my position of authority and all,” they both grinned at that line, “but I’ve always felt a little pull toward you. Probably because you’re still so young but so successful; I worry about you.”
“Y-you want, to protect, me.” Lukas smiled and rested his hand on Michael’s chest.
“I want to protect you. You’re like my fourth child.” Lukas laughed at the comment and Michael kissed the top of his head. “So I want you tell me everything you’re going through, okay? I’ll have a different perspective on it all then anyone else would, and I want to help you through this. Will you let me?”
Lukas nodded and started telling Michael about how things had been lately. He told him about his progress, how things were moving along too slowly for his liking, how easily frustrated he would get when he couldn’t do something, how guilty he felt about getting frustrated so easily. He told Michael about how he’d allowed van Bommel’s comment to trigger more worries and how he had kept his feelings to himself at the time, resulting in his sleepless nights. He told him about everything he’d been experiencing, but stopped before he talked about Bastian. That was the issue that was currently still the most exposed. “W-who idea, was it, for to night?” He was still wary that being away from him had changed Bastian’s mind about things and though he didn’t want to be obvious and ask, he had to know.
Michael looked down at him and smiled, knowing exactly what Lukas was thinking, based on everything he’d just heard. “It was my and Torsten’s idea. Bastian didn’t really want to go out without you, but we made him. We thought you two could do with some time apart. It’ll be good for both of you.”
Lukas felt relief at the knowledge. Bastian hadn’t wanted to leave him alone. He hadn’t asked for a night off. “Don’t know why, I think he wants to leave. We talk about it, every thing he said, I believe, that he stay, he w-wants to help, as long as I need him. But, I still f-feel guilt, and I get scared, that he will rem-member, what his life was, before me now. That he wants it back. Makes m-me feel worse, I not w-want to doubt. I sh-should not doubt him. But, I do.”
“I don’t think it’s really a case of you doubting him, Lukas.” Michael was finding himself intrigued at the growing bond between the two young stars. There was definitely something there other than friendship, some necessity they were both displaying when they talked about one another. They needed each other. “He’s just become so important to you that you’re afraid of losing him, and that particular fear doesn’t really have any other way to manifest itself other than having you think that he’s going to leave. You know he’s not going anywhere. You’re just afraid that something will happen that will take him away.”
Michael’s words made sense. He did know that Bastian didn’t want to leave, in the back of his mind he knew his friend would stay as long as he felt necessary. But he was afraid of losing him at some point. Bastian wouldn’t be there one day, one day he’d move out again and Lukas would be alone and he wasn’t looking forward to that day. He’d grown so accustomed to having the company in the past two weeks and he knew it would be ending soon. Not because Bastian would grow tired of looking after him, but because Bastian wouldn’t need to look after him. Maybe the doubt was just his way of protecting himself against the inevitable. “I am m-making ready, myself for when, he w-will leave. I not want him to leave, Michael. Is selfish, childish, but I like him here. Com-pany is nice, and when com-pany is y-your best friend, it much harder, to let it go.”
“It’s not childish, Lukas. Maybe a tad bit selfish, but we’re all selfish when it comes to what makes us happiest.” He certainly knew what he was talking about on that point. If he and Torsten’s relationship was anything, it was definitely selfish on both their parts. But it made them happy and in the end, that was the most important thing. And he couldn’t help but compare what Lukas was saying to how he’d felt at one point in his life. Wasn’t this how he’d felt about Torsten before allowing himself to admit that his feelings ran a bit deeper than friendship? He remembered that unshakeable desire to always want his best friend there, all the time. Was it possible that Lukas and Bastian’s relationship might change too?
“I hate being sel-fish. I know he w-will be happy, to get back to life when I better. I want him to go, back to life before this. But, I will be lone-ly. I not realize before, how lonely is, living by y-yourself. But after, having him visit w-won’t be same.” Lukas glanced up at Michael, wearing a very pitiful expression on his face. “I need to get, me a girl f-friend.”
Michael couldn’t help but laugh. The look on Lukas’ face, and the way he sounded almost depressed at the prospect of finding a girlfriend to fill the void Bastian was going to leave was just humorous. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. You’re just really growing attached to him, aren’t you?”
Lukas frowned. “You have a point. M-must sound like, I w-want to date, him.”
Michael smiled and tightened his hold around Lukas. “Don’t discount the future, Lukas. You never know what it holds for you.” Lukas let out an annoyed huff, not finding the idea as amusing as Michael did. But then that had been the way he’d thought at first too, hadn’t it? Not willing to accept that there was possibly anything more to the feelings than friendship? He’d definitely have to discuss this with Torsten, and see if Bastian’s feelings mimicked Lukas’ at all. Just because only one person went out on the limb of realization, it didn’t mean the other wouldn’t follow along after giving it some thought. He just wondered which of the two would be the one to see it first.
An hour after training had finished and most of the team were seated around a large table at their favourite establishment in Munich, Hirschgarten. Their food was now arriving and they were already on their second round of beer across the table. Practice the following day wouldn’t be until the afternoon, as the coaching staff wanted to give their boys a few hours to relax and hang out tonight without having to worry about an early morning. Training had gone well so Loew and the others wanted to reward the team.
Bastian was sitting in between Torsten and Philipp, enjoying the evening. It was once again very mild for the time of the year, the temperature barely requiring more than a light sweater. The waitress laid his order in front of him, smoked ribs. He, Torsten, Philipp, and Timo had all ordered the same thing and they were now pulling the meat covered bones apart, interspersing food with beer and conversation. Bastian was happy they had made him come out, now that he was here. He missed this. The hanging out after training before a game, sitting with your team mates and discussing the day’s events. Not that he’d missed much of it with the national squad, but he hadn’t really had much of anything to do with his Bayern mates since the accident and he found himself missing that daily interaction. He’d be heading back to training with the team on Monday, though, so it wouldn’t be too long before he had it back again.
But it would be strange, leaving Lukas alone every day. As much as he was itching to get back to training and playing, he felt guilty about leaving Lukas alone. He still wasn’t anywhere near ready to come back, and Bastian was going to leave him to start his own training again. He knew it was stupid of him to feel guilty about it, but he couldn’t help it. How would Lukas cope without him there during the day? And how would he get to his appointments at the clinic? Unless he dropped him off before making his way to the arena, but that would be cutting it close, and he’d still be training by the time Lukas was done. He hadn’t thought about that problem yet.
Torsten nudged his arm. “What are you thinking about?” He’d been paying close attention to Bastian so far, pleased to note that he did seem to be enjoying himself. But he seemed distracted at the moment.
Bastian shook his head, smiling a little before taking a sip from his mug. “Nothing.”
“Bastian, what are you thinking about?” That response gave Torsten his answer. Bastian was thinking about Lukas.
He shrugged, not wanting to admit that they’d barely been there and already his mind had shifted to Lukas. “I was just thinking about starting back with Bayern on Monday. It’ll be strange.”
Torsten smiled as he regarded Bastian. “You’re worried about leaving him home alone, aren’t you?”
Bastian glanced at him, looking slightly embarrassed. “He’ll be fine; I don’t know why I’m worrying. Although I don’t know how he’ll get to his appointments at the clinic. I won’t be able to take him anymore. I doubt Magath would give me the time off.”
Torsten made a face that expressed exactly what he thought of the trainer. “I’m surprised he gave you any time off at all. But definitely don’t expect anymore favours from him. Can Daniela take him? What’s her schedule like?”
“You know I didn’t think about that. I know she has a class Wednesday morning, but she could probably drop him off and go to class, then go back and pick him up. I’ll have to ask her.” He grinned a little sheepishly at Torsten. “Thanks.”
Torsten laid a hand on his head and ruffled his hair. “No problem. Now would you stop worrying about him for more than two minutes and enjoy yourself? The boy is fine.” He took a drink from his own mug before picking up a rib from his plate and biting a piece of meat off of it. He watched as Bastian spent a moment longer obviously thinking about Lukas, before trying to follow the advice.
On the other side of the table conversation had sprung up relating to an event from a recent game in England. “So Jens, I hear you had a bit of a scuffle with that Portuguese kid again. What’s going on there?” Metze, who was sitting a few chairs down from the keeper, leaned forward on the table to look down at the other man.
Jens grinned a little at the question. “Ronaldo? Yeah that kid has a bit of a mouth on him. He was talking shit to our little Cesc, which no one does. It’s just not accepted.”
The guys grinned and Metze nodded. “Daddy Jens, chasing the bad boys away from his baby.”
“Hey, you’ve gotta protect the little ones.” He grinned wider and took a bite of his pork, his eyes on Metze, who was laughing.
“You and Micha should start a daddy support group, share tips on looking after your kids.” Torsten offered the jab, looking across the table at Jens.
The keeper didn’t look the least bit phased. “Good idea. I’ll bring Ljungberg along so the two of you can share mommy tips.” Everyone laughed at the jab and Torsten, who’d been expecting one, just grinned and shook his head.
As if on cue, Bastian reached up and tugged on Torsten’s hair. He did it a second time before Torsten turned his head to look at him, an annoyed expression on his face. Before he had a chance to say anything, Bastian spoke in as high a voice as he could muster. “Mommy?” Torsten gave him a warning look which Bastian completely ignored. “Philipp keeps poking me.”
Torsten reached out and smacked Bastian’s cheek. “Keep that up and you’re getting a punch.” He waved his fist menacingly in front of Bastian, who just laughed and looked next to him at Philipp. “And you keep your hands to yourself Shorty!” He looked at Philipp, who was leaning against Timo and laughing.
Philipp wasn’t heeding the warning either. He looked at Torsten, and then looked down at the plate of potato salad in front of him. “Mom, can you toss my salad?”
Torsten balled his hand into a fist again and leaned on the table in front of Bastian. “You are so lucky he’s sitting here.” The whole table was laughing at the joke, and Philipp turned to look next to him at Timo, who put an arm around his shoulders and leaned toward him.
“Oh come on, mom! He just needs the juices spread a little.” Timo and Philipp laughed even harder as Torsten regarded them with a look of complete aggravation.
“The only things I’ll be tossing are your front teeth on the ground after I punch you both in the face!” He yelled the threat at them and they responded by holding each other and continuing to laugh.
“See, that’s why the kids don’t respect you,” Jens butted in, “because you make all of these empty threats. See if you get up and go and just give them a good, quick smash in the jaw, they’ll listen. All it takes is one.”
“Thanks grandpa. I’ll keep that in mind.” Torsten and Jens looked at one another, with the elder keeper sporting a wicked grin and the younger midfielder still looking annoyed.
The mood around the table was high as they continued eating and drinking and conversing. Metze, Sebastian, Hitz, and David were all currently talking in slightly hushed voices as they were ripping a large soft pretzel into small pieces. The others weren’t paying a great deal of attention to them, everyone involved in their own conversations.
After a minute of ripping the bread up, the four young men sat up straight in their chairs and moved their individual stockades of bread to their laps. Trying not to draw too much attention to themselves they went in turns, lobbing pieces of the bread at others seated around the table while pretending to talk about the newest movies they’d been to see. It wasn’t until David landed a piece in Timo’s mug that they were noticed. Timo stared down the table at them, his gaze being drawn to David’s grin. “Are you guys throwing bread at the table? Honestly!”
Everyone’s attention was drawn to them now, as everyone else who had been hit with bread was now directing their stares at the group of four sitting at one end of the table. The boys all pled innocence until Clemens Fritz reached down into Metze’s lap and picked up a piece of bread and bounced it off his head. Metze yelled at him and quickly snatched the bread back, staring hard at Fritz before bouncing it off of his face in retaliation.
The boys were well enough behaved to not start an all out food fight at the table, but the bread was flying for a moment once they were found out. Everyone laughed at the stupid antics, joining in and engaging in a moment of childish play. It died down after a minute though, but the smiles were still there on everyone’s faces.
The bread wasn’t completely ignored, though. Miroslav and Manuel, who were sitting next to each other, combined with David who was sitting across from them, had set up a little game. David held his hands out to form a goal and Miro and Manuel took turns flicking the pieces of bread at him. All was going well until one piece from Miroslav hit him in the eye. David held his hands up over that eye, but before he could do anything Manuel flicked another and it hit him in the other eye. He yelled at them to stop, and they looked at each other and laughed, while David shielded his eyes. “What the hell? I can’t see!”
Mike Hanke, who was sitting next to him and talking with Gerald and Jens, looked at David. “Oh come on, tough it up! What are you going to tell Jogi? I’m sorry I can’t play, I got hit in the eyes with bread!” They all laughed at David, who was still sitting there with his hands over his eyes.
“Waiter? I think I need some ice.” David played along though, turning his head from side to side and asking for ice. It wasn’t until Mike flicked him hard in the ear that David moved his hands and glared at him. “Ow! What was that for?”
Mike grinned. “I think your eyes are better now.”
“Yeah but now my ear hurts.” David and Mike laughed, and David threw a piece of bread at Mike’s face before flicking his ear. Mike tried to retaliate but Gerald joined in on the other side, and soon Mike had his head down on the table, his arms covering his ears. Finally David and Gerald relented.
Meanwhile Metze and Sebastian were discussing the obatzda Metze had ordered. It wasn’t as good as it usually was and he was trying to persuade Sebastian to try some, but as Sebastian wasn’t a huge fan of the spread, he was refusing. Finally Metze looked across the table at Arne. “Arne! Here you try it and give us your opinion. Arne the Cook will know.” He scooped some of the spread onto a spoon and handed it to Arne, who took it and smiled.
He tested a very small bit of it and frowned. “You’re right, it is shit.” He leaned forward on the table and held the spoon up, looking at Metze and grinning. Without saying another word he flicked the spoon and sent the cheese and butter spread flying onto the side of Metze’s face.
There was silence for a moment as everyone turned to see what had happened. One too many Arne the Cook jokes and finally he’d struck back. Metze turned to face Sebastian, a look of disbelief on his face. “Did he just do what I think he did?” Sebastian nodded his head while Metze looked back at Arne, about to speak.
But he didn’t get a chance before Sebastian did. “Here, let me get that for you.” He grabbed his best friend’s face and pulled it toward him, pressing his lips to Metze’s cheek and sucking the glob of spread off. The silence was broken by laughter from around the table, and Metze shook his head and looked at Sebastian again.
“He’s right, it is shit.” Sebastian nodded and kept his lips pressed firmly together, trying not to laugh. “Hold on, I didn’t get it all.” He darted forward again to lick the remaining bit off of Metze’s cheek, making quite the display of it for the amusement of the team.
Metze just looked at him with a slightly shocked expression before breaking into a smile. “Hey, thanks! See guys, that’s what friends are for.” He put his arm around Sebastian’s shoulders and they looked at each other and laughed. They got a lot of teasing from everyone about the depth of their relationship and with actions like that they knew they’d just keep getting it. But they didn’t mind.
Meanwhile at the other end of the table Philipp and Timo were having a bit of a dispute. Timo was holding Philipp’s mug away from him, telling him that out of concern for his health, he was cutting Philipp off for the rest of the night. Philipp was not amused. “Give it back, Timo.”
“No, you’re drunk, Philipp! I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t step in.” Timo was grinning while Philipp was glaring, and Timo further aggravated him by drinking some of his beer.
“Timo, fuck off.” Everyone was watching the scene with amusement now, laughing as Philipp got more annoyed.
“See? First you go knocking over glasses, now you’re swearing! Just take a deep breath. It’ll be okay.” Timo knew he was pushing it, but it was so funny at the moment that he couldn’t stop.
Philipp glared at him. “Oh come on! I’m sorry if I was distracted by Sebastian licking Metze’s face and didn’t pay attention to my hand! Besides, it was empty anyway.”
Timo shook his head. “No no that’s not the point! It could have been full.”
“But it wasn’t! Now give me back my beer.” He grabbed the inside of Timo’s thigh and pinched it really hard, until Timo yelped in pain and laid the mug on the table.
“Alright fine, there, take it! Damn you’re really possessive over your beer.” He looked at Philipp and grinned.
Philipp took a swig from the mug and laid it down before looking back at Timo and nodding. “Yes I am, and we’ve had this conversation before. It’s not my fault if you choose to not heed the warnings. You should know better.” He had a smile on his face now as he looked at Timo, quite amused now that he had his drink back.
Timo frowned. “Yeah, but, that really hurt.”
Philipp grinned. “Would you like me to kiss it better?”
Timo didn’t get a chance to answer the question as Metze erupted from the other end of the table. “Hey now, there’ll be none of that gay stuff at the table, some of us are trying to eat! Have some resp-”
He was interrupted by Sebastian, who darted forward and licked his face again. Metze pushed him away, trying to look angry but only succeeding in barely keeping a laugh to himself. “What are you doing?!”
Sebastian grinned at him and shrugged his shoulders, pointing at Metze’s face. “There was some stuff left…” As Metze intensified the glare Sebastian leaned toward Hitz, shrinking down in mock fear. Everyone laughed at them and after a moment Metze had grabbed Sebastian’s arm and pulled him back up, flicking his ear.
While the antics of his team mates were highly amusing and Bastian was laughing pretty much non-stop at them, the more they continued on the more aware he became of the fact that his other half, his partner in crime, was missing. Usually he and Lukas got up to some crazy antics of their own, and now he was just forced to watch as all the other pairs played their silly games and got everyone laughing. He’d been able to forget about it for a while, to feel like Lukas was just sitting further down the table instead of back in his apartment. But now that he’d thought about him, Bastian was finding it harder to laugh at everything. He just wanted to get back and tell Lukas about all the crazy things that had happened today, tell him about everything he’d missed. It wasn’t the same without him here.
Torsten had been happy to see that Bastian was enjoying himself, but the moment that realization occurred and he must have thought about Lukas, Torsten could see it. Not even the company of the whole team could make up for Lukas’ presence as far as Bastian was concerned. It tugged a little at Torsten’s heart, since he was also feeling Michael’s absence. But it was something he’d learned how to deal with long ago, and Bastian obviously didn’t have the same ability to put it out of his head that Torsten did. He put his arm on the back of Bastian’s chair and leaned down a little. “You want to leave soon?”
Bastian looked over at Torsten, a little surprised when he saw him there. He was torn at the question. On one hand he thought they ought to stay, at least until everyone else left. But then on the other hand he wanted to tell Torsten that they should leave now. “I guess.” So he tried not to sound too obvious about wanting to go.
Torsten still picked up on it though. “Everyone should really be going soon anyway; just because we don’t have early practice doesn’t mean we should be staying out all night.” It was getting a little late, and with the beer everyone had been consuming, an earlier end to the night was a good idea. He really did want to get back to Michael as well. They had so little time together now with him in England that he hated missing any of it. But this had been necessary after all.
So not soon after he’d asked, once things had calmed down again, Torsten stated that since Michael was missing, it was his duty to remind everyone of the importance of this weekend’s match, so they ought to be getting back to their hotels soon to get a good night’s rest so they would be in shape for the following day’s training session. Everyone agreed and promised they would return soon. Then he said that he and Bastian were leaving, so they stood and wished everyone a good night. They all told Bastian to say hello to Lukas and to make sure he’d be at the match on Saturday. Bastian nodded and said he would, and he and Torsten left.
The drive to Lukas’ apartment building was spent with Torsten asking Bastian how often he’d thought about Lukas during the night. Bastian grinned and said he’d thought about him more often than he should have, and Torsten smiled. He admitted that he knew how he felt, since he didn’t tend to enjoy group get-togethers as much when Michael was missing. They were at the apartment soon and quickly made their way up to the seventh floor. Bastian unlocked the door to the apartment with his key, being followed in by Torsten. The sound of the door had alerted the other two to their arrival and it was Lukas who appeared first. Torsten looked at him and grinned. “I’ve come to make a trade. Yours for mine.”
Lukas looked at him with a very contemplative expression, his eyes darting from Bastian to Michael, who had appeared now at his side. “Don’t know. I like yours, m-maybe I, keep him.” He slipped his arm around Michael’s and leaned against him, a playful grin on his face.
Torsten shook his head and frowned. “Oh no you don’t. I had to put up with yours whining all night, I want mine back now.” He laughed when Bastian protested loudly, before looking back at Lukas and jerking his head in Bastian’s direction. “See? All night long. I don’t know how you put up with it.”
Lukas smiled and let go of Michael. “All right, I will take, him back.” He looked at Bastian, clearly amused at the look of annoyance on his best friend’s face. He and Michael walked over closer to the door, where Torsten was still standing and Bastian was just taking off his shoes. Lukas approached Torsten and the older man moved forward to hug him.
“We missed you at practice today, brat. You’re coming this weekend though, right?” Lukas nodded and Torsten smiled. “That’s good, everyone will be happy to see you.” He laid a hand on Lukas’ cheek and rubbed it for a moment before embracing him again. He moved back so Michael could have a final word with Lukas.
After putting his own shoes on, Michael stood in front of him, both hands on either side of Lukas’ face. “You remember everything we talked about, okay? And call me if you ever need to talk again, alright?” Lukas promised he would and Michael hugged him very tightly, and then kissed him on the forehead before letting him go. “We’ll see you Saturday, Lukas, and you tomorrow Bastian. Goodnight guys.” Then they left, and it was only Lukas and Bastian again.
After locking his door Lukas walked over to Bastian and stood before him, looking at him and taking hold of his hands. “I want y-you to know, I am sorry, f-for not going.”
Bastian shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“I do. Every one, expect me and, I let f-fear make, my decision. I can do that not. I promise, to try hard to control.” Their eyes met and Lukas wanted him to know that he was sorry. He wanted Bastian to see it.
Bastian did. “I’m happy to hear that. And I’m happy that you’re going to come on Saturday. Everyone really did miss you today.”
Lukas smiled a little mischievously. “You miss me, today?”
Bastian returned the expression. “I think I missed you more than anyone else.”
“Good.” He pulled Bastian toward the living room so they could sit. “I know you practice, tom-morrow in afternoon. But, what if we go out, in m-morning? Shop-ping maybe, I don’t know.”
“Really?” Bastian was surprised at the offer. What had Michael said to him? “Are you sure you want to go out?” Every time they’d gone out so far, Bastian had pretty much had to drag Lukas out. But now he was the one suggesting it.
“Yes. Need to get, out more. I m-make break fast, too.” He was starting to help Bastian with the cooking now, and after surviving supper on his own, he supposed making breakfast couldn’t be too hard.
“What are we having? Cereal?” Bastian couldn’t resist the joke and Lukas punched him in the arm. “You hit like a girl.”
“Shut up!” Lukas laughed at his reaction, sinking into the couch next to him. “I cook whole break fast. Just, be sure to be around, in case it go wrong.” He looked at Bastian and they both laughed at the comment, picturing all the problems Lukas could run into the next morning. The night ended for them with a positive spin, their break from each other only seeming to have refreshed their enjoyment of each other’s company.
Meanwhile Torsten and Michael left the apartment, making their way down to the rental car Torsten had for the weekend. They didn’t speak until they were in the car, when they finally looked at one another. Torsten was the first to speak. “So how did it go? He looked pretty happy.”
Michael smiled. “It went well. He was a little apprehensive about talking at first; he didn’t want to get too upset in front of me.”
Torsten grinned. “That’s cute.”
Michael nodded his agreement. “Yeah, but you were right. I prodded a little and eventually everything came out.” He paused for moment, a bit of a more serious look on his face now. “He’s really getting attached to Bastian. He’s worried about being lonely when he moves out.”
Torsten’s expression flickered to one of curiosity. “Is that so? Because Bastian, well, I shouldn’t laugh, really.” Torsten started to chuckle a little as he thought about the night. “I mean he had a good time, and he really needed some time away. He’d get involved in the conversation and laugh and talk, but then once he had a moment to just sit back and be quiet, I know he’d start thinking about Lukas. I even asked him about it and he got all embarrassed. Said that he knew he shouldn’t be worrying, but it just felt weird not to have Lukas there.”
Their eyes met and their individual thoughts from the night seemed to meld together, their eyes saying everything they were thinking. The silence lasted for a moment, before Michael broke it. “They remind me of us.”
Torsten smiled. “I think so too.”
Michael reached over and laid his hand on Torsten’s leg, squeezing it. “Do you think they’ll wind up like us?”
Torsten looked down at Michael’s hand and laced his own over top of it. “I don’t know.” He looked back up at Michael. “But part of me hopes they do.”
Michael smiled and leaned over toward Torsten, hoping the darkness of the night and the emptiness of the parking lot were the only witnesses as he kissed him. “Everyone should have something like this. We’re lucky we do.”
“We are.” Torsten reached up to brush his fingers over Michael’s cheek.
Michael leaned his head forward to rest against Torsten’s. “I love you.”
Torsten grinned. “I love it when you get all sappy and romantic.” He laughed when Michael sat back up and shook his head, looking at him with a just ever so slightly annoyed expression. Torsten squeezed Michael’s hand and brought it up to his lips, kissing the back of it. “I love you too.”
They stared at each other for a moment longer. “Hotel?” Michael broke the silence with the request and Torsten nodded.
“Hotel.” He drove off from the apartment building, heading for the hotel at which they were sharing a room. Torsten knew he’d be paying for his little joke about Michael, but it was worth it. Tonight had been worth it. If they got to play a part in helping Lukas and Bastian form something of the likes of which he and Michael shared, then everything they’d have to endure to help them get there would be worth it.