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Chapter 52 - NEW
“Tina, have you worked on your parents at all yet?”
“Well hello, Bastian! I agree, it's so nice to hear from you!”
Bastian knew it had been a rude start to a conversation, but he didn't have time for politeness anymore. “I'm serious, Tina. Lukas is freaking out because one of our friends who's quite religious just found out, and she was practically a step away from condemning him to fire and brimstone and whatever else is found in Hell.”
“Oh,” she said, understanding exactly his problem now. “He thinks mom and dad will react the same now.”
“He does, and as you can imagine, it's creating problems, especially since they're visiting next week.” He knew that sounded a little uncaring, but he hoped she would understand. It was a problem because he loved Lukas, and anything that stood in between that love was his enemy.
Tina was silent for a moment as she processed the issue. In truth she hadn't thought of a way to broach the topic with her parents yet. While it was simply a complicated matter to bring up, if she was being honest, she also knew it was because she was afraid of their answer just as much as Lukas was. What if they wouldn't be supportive? She didn't want to think of her parents that way, but it was a firm possibility. “I don't know, Basti. It's not exactly the easiest topic in the world to bring up, is it?”
“I know, Tina. I'm just really worried about him,” about us, was what he really wanted to say. “It doesn't matter what I say anymore. He's afraid of their reaction. I just don't know what to do.”
“I wish I had an answer for you, Basti. I just honestly don't know.”
“Tina, I don't know what to do anymore. Ever since yesterday he barely looks at me. We didn't even sleep in the same bed last night, and this morning, for training? He left before I even woke up. I don't know what to do.”
Tina bit her lip as she listened to him, feeling bad for both of them. “Is he with you now?”
“Yeah, he's in his room.” The room no longer felt shared anymore, not after last night. That's what was hurting him the most right now. He almost wished Lukas could have left again like he'd done the first time he'd been presented with this problem. Having him here but inaccessible was ten times worse than having him in another country.
“Can I talk to him? I don't know if he'll answer if I call,” maybe she could get through to him, somehow. Bastian agreed and set off down the hall, willing to try anything at the moment. He got to Lukas' door and stopped, wondering if he should knock. Just as he was about to he realized it was ridiculous. After all, Lukas wasn't mad at him, and it wasn't that he didn't love him. He was just conflicted.
He knocked lightly before pushing the door open, peering at Lukas who was buried underneath blankets in his bed, looking every bit as miserable as Bastian felt. His eyes met Lukas', and he wasn't sure what was in them. Almost a mixture of relief and fear. Bastian simply thrust the phone at him. “It's Tina.”
Lukas looked, for a second, like he was just going to ignore it. But then he sat up and reached out a hand, taking the phone from Bastian but quickly averting his eyes elsewhere. Bastian left the room, unable to stick around even though he knew he wouldn't understand the conversation.
“Hey Tina,” was all he could manage at the moment.
“Lukas,” she started, not even sure of what she would say to him. “I heard about your friend, Anna.” He didn't reply, and she wasn't sure what to say. “How are you?”
He took a moment before answering, not even sure of his answer. How was he? “Confused,” was all he offered at the moment. What else was there to say?
“Confused about what, exactly?”
He shrugged before remembering that she couldn't see him. It was so much easier than talking. “I don't know, Tina.”
“Do you still love Bastian?”
He took a moment to answer, thinking about the question and about everything that had been going on lately. “Yeah.”
“Then that's one thing you're not confused about, right?”
“I guess so.”
Now it was her turn to be silent before speaking. “Lukas, he's worried about you, and he has every right to be. If you're confused about our parents, that's okay. I'm still confused about them too, sometimes. But you can't let the unknown dictate your actions. If you know that you still love him, tell him that.”
“I don't have to tell him that, Tina. He knows I'm just worried about my parents and he's giving me space to figure that all out.”
If she'd been there with him right now, she probably would have punched him. “Trust me, dumbass, he needs to hear it. Get off the phone and go and talk to him. Call me later.” She hung up, not wanting to give him an opportunity to respond.
Lukas stared at the phone in shock. Had she really just hung up on him? And furthermore, was Bastian really that worried about where his feelings stood? He'd simply assumed that Bastian would understand that it wasn't their relationship that was bothering him. Well, it was, but it wasn't so much the relationship as it was the rest of the world's perception of that relationship. Was Bastian really worried about his feelings?
Lukas got up from his bed, slipping on a pair of jeans before heading for the door. Bastian was always able to know what he was feeling. Why was he unsure now? Was it because of everything with Katya? Was he worried that if he let Bastian in on his feelings enough, that he'd figure everything out? He left his room and headed into the centre of the apartment, finding Bastian sitting on the couch. Lukas stood behind him for a moment, wondering if he'd really been so blinded by his feelings about his family that he'd neglected making sure that Bastian realized where his problems truly lay.
He sat down beside him, holding the phone out for Bastian to take. “Sorry about that, I don't know why she didn't just call me on my own phone.”
“I called her, Lukas. I'm sorry, I was just worried.” He hated admitting it, but it was true. He knew Tina would always be able to get through to her brother better than he would.
“Why didn't you say anything to me, then? I thought you realized I was just obsessing over my family,” Lukas felt bad. Why hadn't he realized Bastian would be more bothered by this than he'd anticipated?
Why hadn't he said anything to Lukas? Because he was afraid. But he couldn't admit that. “I don't know, I'm sorry. It was just such a big shock, finding out that Anna knew. I guess, since I wasn't here to witness it, that I just jumped to conclusions when I came back and found you hiding in your room. And then when you left without me this morning...”
“I'm sorry about that. I just needed time alone to think, otherwise it would have bothered me all day. I should have thought about you.”
“No, it's okay! You had stuff on your mind, important stuff. I should have confronted my worries and talked to you first. I'm sorry.” Bastian was both relieved and still stressed out about the whole situation.
“No, really. Whatever's bothering me, it shouldn't affect you. I should either tell you about it, or shove it aside when I'm with you. I should have explained how I was really feeling.” Lukas was determined to not let Bastian blame himself for this. None of it was his fault.
“Listen, maybe we both should have talked a bit more to each other about this, but whatever. It's over, and we're okay, right?” He laid his hand on Lukas' leg, looking at his face. Lukas still looked troubled. “Are we okay? Lukas?”
Lukas wasn't sure how to answer. Of course he should say yes, that they were okay. But the truth was that they really weren't okay. There were problems, big problems, and Lukas couldn't help but feel like they were starting to swallow him whole. But they were his problems, and he couldn't put them on Bastian's shoulders. “We're okay.” He finally met Bastian's eyes and made himself smile, as he laid his hand on Bastian's.
“Come on, don't think you can pull that off so easily on me,” Bastian told him softly, “I've known you too long. You're still bothered.”
“Basti,” he started, “honestly, how are you not bothered by these things? When are you going to tell your parents? How are you going to tell your parents? They'll be devastated when you tell them you broke up with Dani, I know how much they love her.”
Bastian shrugged the question off. “Hey, my family loves you too,” he grinned slightly.
Lukas just shook his head and looked away. “I can't give your mother grandchildren, though.”
Bastian frowned and knew that was more of an issue than he wanted to admit. But he still didn't have to like admitting it. “Not yet, but maybe, at the rate science is going...”
Lukas turned his head suddenly and fixed him with an annoyed glare. “I'm being serious, asshole. You know it'll bother them, the same way it'll bother mine.” He looked away again, crossing his arms over his chest. “Anyway, don't you want kids?”
Bastian shrugged, not wanting to think about the topic right now (because every time kids came up, he thought about Daniela) but he didn't have a choice. “Just because we're together it doesn't mean we can't have kids one day. We can adopt, or we can use surrogates. There are options for gay couples, you know.”
Lukas tried not to flinch when Bastian used the word gay. They weren't a gay couple, because neither of them were gay. They were just in love with each other. It didn't mean they were gay.
“Listen, let's not worry about this right now.” Bastian moved closer to him, putting his arm around Lukas' shoulders. “It's not an issue yet. We'll talk about it more when that time comes.” If that time comes, he thought. Being a couple in secret was one thing, but if they ever did want kids, they would have to out themselves.
Lukas didn't bother pulling away from Bastian even though he wanted to. He didn't want to think about any of this right now. He was still bothered about Anna's reaction, and he was worried about his parents, and he was worried about his career. But maybe he'd feel better in the morning after sleeping.
Maybe he wouldn't.
It was nearing lunch and Lukas was currently off on his own in one of the private physio rooms, a ball on the floor at his feet. Thomas had cleared him to resume training with the team forty minutes ago, though he told him that he would wait until the lunch break to inform Hitzfeld. Lukas was grateful, even more grateful when Thomas had pressed a ball into his arms and told him to go and reacquaint it with his feet before everyone heard the news.
And now Lukas was by himself, and he still hadn't touched the ball with his foot yet. This was the truly telling moment, this was when he would know, one way or the other, if his life was going to finally get back to normal. Or at least as normal as it could get, given his current relationship troubles. He'd been standing straight for forty minutes, looking down at the ball, wondering how he was possibly going to go about testing himself out. It was nerve wracking, doing this to himself. It was like he was piling so much pressure on his shoulders, and he wasn't sure if he was doing it on purpose to make himself fail. He hated to think of that option, but it did exist.
He really didn't want to run away from football because his life was a potential mess, waiting to unfold in the public eye.
“You know, the longer you stand around and stare at it, the longer you won't want to actually kick it.”
Lukas looked over at the door, his eyes falling on Thomas. The rehab specialist stood leaning against the door, but Lukas couldn't tell from his expression what he was thinking. How long had he been there? Thomas walked over to Lukas, leaning down to pick up the ball. “Come on, walk with me.” He left the room and Lukas had no choice but to follow.
“You know, I like to think I have a lot of experience in dealing with your sort of situation, Lukas. Maybe not to the extent you went through, but I've dealt with my fair share of injured players worried about making a come back.”
Lukas nodded, unsure if he ought to say something, or just continue to listen. Was Thomas going to subject him to some sort of lecture about needing to just get back out there and do it? He wasn't sure, but he didn't think that would really help him much right now.
“What are you worried about, Lukas? Honestly, don't be nervous about your answers. I don't know how to help you if I don't know exactly what's wrong with you.” Thomas dropped the ball down to his feet, dribbling it along slowly as they walked down the hall.
Lukas wasn't sure where to start in his answer. What was he worried about, really? “I'm worried that I won't know what to do anymore,” he figured that was a good place to start, because it was true.
“On the field, or with the ball?”
“Both, I guess.” As they walked he glanced down at Thomas' feet, watching him as he softly prodded the ball with each step. What if he couldn't even dribble a ball without tripping over it?
“Do you remember what it feels like to kick the ball at the net? Do you remember your angles, and the spaces to look for?”
Lukas shrugged, he supposed he could remember that. It was hard to forget things you spent your whole life training to do. “I guess so. But just because I can remember how to do something, it doesn't mean I'll actually be able to do it.”
“No, of course not. But remembering is half the battle. Stop here for a second,” Thomas said, laying a hand on Lukas' shoulder and halting him. “Close your eyes.”
Lukas did as he was told, unsure what the trainer had in mind. It was certainly an odd request, though. He suddenly felt the ball being pressed in to his hands.
“I want you to put the ball on the floor, and I want you to take a step back and kick it. Don't open your eyes, don't cheat on this. Just feel it, sense it.”
With all respect to Thomas' training, Lukas thought it was kind of a dumb idea. What if he missed it? What if he swung his leg and drove it straight through empty air? What then? What was this supposed to prove?
“Lukas, it's almost lunch, we don't have all day. Ottmar's expecting me for an update. Just put the ball at your feet. Trust me on this.”
Lukas thought he heard a trace of amusement in Thomas' voice, and he couldn't help but feel the slightest bit annoyed. The trainer was asking him to do something so ridiculous and he had the nerve to laugh at him when he worried about it? He laid the ball at his feet, turning it in his fingers the way he would if he were to place it on the ground for a penalty. Usually he looked for the pin hole and set it facing up. But as he stood back up he realized that he hadn't needed to see it - he'd just sort of felt the ball and set it down where he thought it ought to be.
“Now take a step back, breathe, and take a shot. Don't worry about hitting the ball, just worry about kicking.” Thomas watched him, hoping this unorthodox method would work. It either would, or it wouldn't, and Lukas would be further behind than he wanted him to be. He had a feeling it all would all work out though, and that it really wouldn't take very long at all.
Lukas stepped back the way he usually would if he were taking a penalty, measuring the distance with his feet subconsciously. He stood still for a moment, breathing in deeply as Thomas had suggested. It all came down to this moment. Would his foot connect with the ball, or would he miss it completely and kick the wall? He didn't bother waiting another second - he took three little running steps and swung out with his left foot,
holding his breath until he felt the familiar give of the ball. He opened his eyes immediately, elated at the contact, only to see the ball pound into the stomach of the trainer.
Silence hung over them for a moment before Lukas moved toward him. “Are you okay?”
Thomas nodded, holding his stomach. “Yeah I'm fine,” he ground out, “I didn't think you'd kick it that hard.”
Lukas couldn't help but grin. “Sorry,” he laid a hand on Thomas' shoulder, suddenly laughing. “Hey, you should just be happy it didn't hit you a little lower.”
“Yeah, really pleased about that,” Thomas said, shaking his head and looking up at Lukas. “So, you just kicked a hard shot with your eyes closed. How do you feel about that?”
Lukas stared at him for a second before smiling and replying. “Pretty good, I guess.”
Thomas nodded. “Good. I think you'll be fine, Lukas. Don't let your nerves hold you down.”
Lukas grinned even wider and squeezed Thomas' shoulder. “And you don't go standing in front of people when they take shots.” Their eyes met and both men shared a laugh for a moment.
“On the field after lunch, okay?” Thomas gave a final nod and smile, and Lukas nodded back.
“I'll be ready,” he answered, and that was all Thomas needed to hear before waving him off and heading down the hall. Lukas watched him go, still amused that he'd kicked the ball straight into the trainer. With another laugh he caught the ball with his left foot, rolling it toward himself.
It had been stupid to think that he'd lost all of this.
It was nearing the end of the day's training and they were currently playing a test match on the field. Lukas was playing with Bastian, Mark, and Roy, while they were facing a defensive sided team of Philipp, Micho, Daniel, and Brazzo. Oliver Kahn was in the net, and Lukas currently had the ball at his feet.
It was an amazing feeling to finally be back out here, where he belonged. He'd felt it the moment he'd walked out. This is where he was supposed to be. This is where he was happiest.
He stood on the left side of the field, his left foot on top of the ball, watching as Hasan moved closer to him. He glanced across to his right and locked his eyes on Mark before stepping back and passing the ball over to him. He ran past Brazzo and into the box, right into an open space before the net. Mark sent the ball quickly over to Bastian, who lobbed it into the centre where Roy was waiting. But instead of taking the header himself, Roy instead hit it to the left, where it found Lukas' foot and went into the back of the net.
Lukas just stood there, a huge smile on his face, every concern and worry in the world vanishing. He was going to be okay, because football had never left him. In a moment he felt a few arms grab him and pull him into an embrace, and he pressed his head to Roy's neck, overcome with joy but searching the other side of the field. Bastian stood there watching, the smile on his face making his feelings more than evident.
Lukas had made his recovery, and he'd done it completely on his own. He'd had a lot of help, of course, but in the end he'd gotten over his fears and inhibitions and now he was reaping the rewards. He'd never felt so good about a goal before, even though it was only in training. The prize for this goal was getting his life back. Nothing else could possibly compare.
His celebration was broken up though and he felt a gloved hand settle on the top of his head. “Don't get too cocky,” the gruff voice of his captain said, “I let you score that. I thought it would be good for your confidence.”
Lukas laughed and turned to face Olli, shaking his head and hugging the older man. “It's okay, Olli! You can't stop them all,” he winked and plucked the ball from the keeper's hands, amused as he walked away and heard the captain laughing.
Even though there was only one week of training left, he was determined to enjoy every second of it.
“Tina, have you worked on your parents at all yet?”
“Well hello, Bastian! I agree, it's so nice to hear from you!”
Bastian knew it had been a rude start to a conversation, but he didn't have time for politeness anymore. “I'm serious, Tina. Lukas is freaking out because one of our friends who's quite religious just found out, and she was practically a step away from condemning him to fire and brimstone and whatever else is found in Hell.”
“Oh,” she said, understanding exactly his problem now. “He thinks mom and dad will react the same now.”
“He does, and as you can imagine, it's creating problems, especially since they're visiting next week.” He knew that sounded a little uncaring, but he hoped she would understand. It was a problem because he loved Lukas, and anything that stood in between that love was his enemy.
Tina was silent for a moment as she processed the issue. In truth she hadn't thought of a way to broach the topic with her parents yet. While it was simply a complicated matter to bring up, if she was being honest, she also knew it was because she was afraid of their answer just as much as Lukas was. What if they wouldn't be supportive? She didn't want to think of her parents that way, but it was a firm possibility. “I don't know, Basti. It's not exactly the easiest topic in the world to bring up, is it?”
“I know, Tina. I'm just really worried about him,” about us, was what he really wanted to say. “It doesn't matter what I say anymore. He's afraid of their reaction. I just don't know what to do.”
“I wish I had an answer for you, Basti. I just honestly don't know.”
“Tina, I don't know what to do anymore. Ever since yesterday he barely looks at me. We didn't even sleep in the same bed last night, and this morning, for training? He left before I even woke up. I don't know what to do.”
Tina bit her lip as she listened to him, feeling bad for both of them. “Is he with you now?”
“Yeah, he's in his room.” The room no longer felt shared anymore, not after last night. That's what was hurting him the most right now. He almost wished Lukas could have left again like he'd done the first time he'd been presented with this problem. Having him here but inaccessible was ten times worse than having him in another country.
“Can I talk to him? I don't know if he'll answer if I call,” maybe she could get through to him, somehow. Bastian agreed and set off down the hall, willing to try anything at the moment. He got to Lukas' door and stopped, wondering if he should knock. Just as he was about to he realized it was ridiculous. After all, Lukas wasn't mad at him, and it wasn't that he didn't love him. He was just conflicted.
He knocked lightly before pushing the door open, peering at Lukas who was buried underneath blankets in his bed, looking every bit as miserable as Bastian felt. His eyes met Lukas', and he wasn't sure what was in them. Almost a mixture of relief and fear. Bastian simply thrust the phone at him. “It's Tina.”
Lukas looked, for a second, like he was just going to ignore it. But then he sat up and reached out a hand, taking the phone from Bastian but quickly averting his eyes elsewhere. Bastian left the room, unable to stick around even though he knew he wouldn't understand the conversation.
“Hey Tina,” was all he could manage at the moment.
“Lukas,” she started, not even sure of what she would say to him. “I heard about your friend, Anna.” He didn't reply, and she wasn't sure what to say. “How are you?”
He took a moment before answering, not even sure of his answer. How was he? “Confused,” was all he offered at the moment. What else was there to say?
“Confused about what, exactly?”
He shrugged before remembering that she couldn't see him. It was so much easier than talking. “I don't know, Tina.”
“Do you still love Bastian?”
He took a moment to answer, thinking about the question and about everything that had been going on lately. “Yeah.”
“Then that's one thing you're not confused about, right?”
“I guess so.”
Now it was her turn to be silent before speaking. “Lukas, he's worried about you, and he has every right to be. If you're confused about our parents, that's okay. I'm still confused about them too, sometimes. But you can't let the unknown dictate your actions. If you know that you still love him, tell him that.”
“I don't have to tell him that, Tina. He knows I'm just worried about my parents and he's giving me space to figure that all out.”
If she'd been there with him right now, she probably would have punched him. “Trust me, dumbass, he needs to hear it. Get off the phone and go and talk to him. Call me later.” She hung up, not wanting to give him an opportunity to respond.
Lukas stared at the phone in shock. Had she really just hung up on him? And furthermore, was Bastian really that worried about where his feelings stood? He'd simply assumed that Bastian would understand that it wasn't their relationship that was bothering him. Well, it was, but it wasn't so much the relationship as it was the rest of the world's perception of that relationship. Was Bastian really worried about his feelings?
Lukas got up from his bed, slipping on a pair of jeans before heading for the door. Bastian was always able to know what he was feeling. Why was he unsure now? Was it because of everything with Katya? Was he worried that if he let Bastian in on his feelings enough, that he'd figure everything out? He left his room and headed into the centre of the apartment, finding Bastian sitting on the couch. Lukas stood behind him for a moment, wondering if he'd really been so blinded by his feelings about his family that he'd neglected making sure that Bastian realized where his problems truly lay.
He sat down beside him, holding the phone out for Bastian to take. “Sorry about that, I don't know why she didn't just call me on my own phone.”
“I called her, Lukas. I'm sorry, I was just worried.” He hated admitting it, but it was true. He knew Tina would always be able to get through to her brother better than he would.
“Why didn't you say anything to me, then? I thought you realized I was just obsessing over my family,” Lukas felt bad. Why hadn't he realized Bastian would be more bothered by this than he'd anticipated?
Why hadn't he said anything to Lukas? Because he was afraid. But he couldn't admit that. “I don't know, I'm sorry. It was just such a big shock, finding out that Anna knew. I guess, since I wasn't here to witness it, that I just jumped to conclusions when I came back and found you hiding in your room. And then when you left without me this morning...”
“I'm sorry about that. I just needed time alone to think, otherwise it would have bothered me all day. I should have thought about you.”
“No, it's okay! You had stuff on your mind, important stuff. I should have confronted my worries and talked to you first. I'm sorry.” Bastian was both relieved and still stressed out about the whole situation.
“No, really. Whatever's bothering me, it shouldn't affect you. I should either tell you about it, or shove it aside when I'm with you. I should have explained how I was really feeling.” Lukas was determined to not let Bastian blame himself for this. None of it was his fault.
“Listen, maybe we both should have talked a bit more to each other about this, but whatever. It's over, and we're okay, right?” He laid his hand on Lukas' leg, looking at his face. Lukas still looked troubled. “Are we okay? Lukas?”
Lukas wasn't sure how to answer. Of course he should say yes, that they were okay. But the truth was that they really weren't okay. There were problems, big problems, and Lukas couldn't help but feel like they were starting to swallow him whole. But they were his problems, and he couldn't put them on Bastian's shoulders. “We're okay.” He finally met Bastian's eyes and made himself smile, as he laid his hand on Bastian's.
“Come on, don't think you can pull that off so easily on me,” Bastian told him softly, “I've known you too long. You're still bothered.”
“Basti,” he started, “honestly, how are you not bothered by these things? When are you going to tell your parents? How are you going to tell your parents? They'll be devastated when you tell them you broke up with Dani, I know how much they love her.”
Bastian shrugged the question off. “Hey, my family loves you too,” he grinned slightly.
Lukas just shook his head and looked away. “I can't give your mother grandchildren, though.”
Bastian frowned and knew that was more of an issue than he wanted to admit. But he still didn't have to like admitting it. “Not yet, but maybe, at the rate science is going...”
Lukas turned his head suddenly and fixed him with an annoyed glare. “I'm being serious, asshole. You know it'll bother them, the same way it'll bother mine.” He looked away again, crossing his arms over his chest. “Anyway, don't you want kids?”
Bastian shrugged, not wanting to think about the topic right now (because every time kids came up, he thought about Daniela) but he didn't have a choice. “Just because we're together it doesn't mean we can't have kids one day. We can adopt, or we can use surrogates. There are options for gay couples, you know.”
Lukas tried not to flinch when Bastian used the word gay. They weren't a gay couple, because neither of them were gay. They were just in love with each other. It didn't mean they were gay.
“Listen, let's not worry about this right now.” Bastian moved closer to him, putting his arm around Lukas' shoulders. “It's not an issue yet. We'll talk about it more when that time comes.” If that time comes, he thought. Being a couple in secret was one thing, but if they ever did want kids, they would have to out themselves.
Lukas didn't bother pulling away from Bastian even though he wanted to. He didn't want to think about any of this right now. He was still bothered about Anna's reaction, and he was worried about his parents, and he was worried about his career. But maybe he'd feel better in the morning after sleeping.
Maybe he wouldn't.
It was nearing lunch and Lukas was currently off on his own in one of the private physio rooms, a ball on the floor at his feet. Thomas had cleared him to resume training with the team forty minutes ago, though he told him that he would wait until the lunch break to inform Hitzfeld. Lukas was grateful, even more grateful when Thomas had pressed a ball into his arms and told him to go and reacquaint it with his feet before everyone heard the news.
And now Lukas was by himself, and he still hadn't touched the ball with his foot yet. This was the truly telling moment, this was when he would know, one way or the other, if his life was going to finally get back to normal. Or at least as normal as it could get, given his current relationship troubles. He'd been standing straight for forty minutes, looking down at the ball, wondering how he was possibly going to go about testing himself out. It was nerve wracking, doing this to himself. It was like he was piling so much pressure on his shoulders, and he wasn't sure if he was doing it on purpose to make himself fail. He hated to think of that option, but it did exist.
He really didn't want to run away from football because his life was a potential mess, waiting to unfold in the public eye.
“You know, the longer you stand around and stare at it, the longer you won't want to actually kick it.”
Lukas looked over at the door, his eyes falling on Thomas. The rehab specialist stood leaning against the door, but Lukas couldn't tell from his expression what he was thinking. How long had he been there? Thomas walked over to Lukas, leaning down to pick up the ball. “Come on, walk with me.” He left the room and Lukas had no choice but to follow.
“You know, I like to think I have a lot of experience in dealing with your sort of situation, Lukas. Maybe not to the extent you went through, but I've dealt with my fair share of injured players worried about making a come back.”
Lukas nodded, unsure if he ought to say something, or just continue to listen. Was Thomas going to subject him to some sort of lecture about needing to just get back out there and do it? He wasn't sure, but he didn't think that would really help him much right now.
“What are you worried about, Lukas? Honestly, don't be nervous about your answers. I don't know how to help you if I don't know exactly what's wrong with you.” Thomas dropped the ball down to his feet, dribbling it along slowly as they walked down the hall.
Lukas wasn't sure where to start in his answer. What was he worried about, really? “I'm worried that I won't know what to do anymore,” he figured that was a good place to start, because it was true.
“On the field, or with the ball?”
“Both, I guess.” As they walked he glanced down at Thomas' feet, watching him as he softly prodded the ball with each step. What if he couldn't even dribble a ball without tripping over it?
“Do you remember what it feels like to kick the ball at the net? Do you remember your angles, and the spaces to look for?”
Lukas shrugged, he supposed he could remember that. It was hard to forget things you spent your whole life training to do. “I guess so. But just because I can remember how to do something, it doesn't mean I'll actually be able to do it.”
“No, of course not. But remembering is half the battle. Stop here for a second,” Thomas said, laying a hand on Lukas' shoulder and halting him. “Close your eyes.”
Lukas did as he was told, unsure what the trainer had in mind. It was certainly an odd request, though. He suddenly felt the ball being pressed in to his hands.
“I want you to put the ball on the floor, and I want you to take a step back and kick it. Don't open your eyes, don't cheat on this. Just feel it, sense it.”
With all respect to Thomas' training, Lukas thought it was kind of a dumb idea. What if he missed it? What if he swung his leg and drove it straight through empty air? What then? What was this supposed to prove?
“Lukas, it's almost lunch, we don't have all day. Ottmar's expecting me for an update. Just put the ball at your feet. Trust me on this.”
Lukas thought he heard a trace of amusement in Thomas' voice, and he couldn't help but feel the slightest bit annoyed. The trainer was asking him to do something so ridiculous and he had the nerve to laugh at him when he worried about it? He laid the ball at his feet, turning it in his fingers the way he would if he were to place it on the ground for a penalty. Usually he looked for the pin hole and set it facing up. But as he stood back up he realized that he hadn't needed to see it - he'd just sort of felt the ball and set it down where he thought it ought to be.
“Now take a step back, breathe, and take a shot. Don't worry about hitting the ball, just worry about kicking.” Thomas watched him, hoping this unorthodox method would work. It either would, or it wouldn't, and Lukas would be further behind than he wanted him to be. He had a feeling it all would all work out though, and that it really wouldn't take very long at all.
Lukas stepped back the way he usually would if he were taking a penalty, measuring the distance with his feet subconsciously. He stood still for a moment, breathing in deeply as Thomas had suggested. It all came down to this moment. Would his foot connect with the ball, or would he miss it completely and kick the wall? He didn't bother waiting another second - he took three little running steps and swung out with his left foot,
holding his breath until he felt the familiar give of the ball. He opened his eyes immediately, elated at the contact, only to see the ball pound into the stomach of the trainer.
Silence hung over them for a moment before Lukas moved toward him. “Are you okay?”
Thomas nodded, holding his stomach. “Yeah I'm fine,” he ground out, “I didn't think you'd kick it that hard.”
Lukas couldn't help but grin. “Sorry,” he laid a hand on Thomas' shoulder, suddenly laughing. “Hey, you should just be happy it didn't hit you a little lower.”
“Yeah, really pleased about that,” Thomas said, shaking his head and looking up at Lukas. “So, you just kicked a hard shot with your eyes closed. How do you feel about that?”
Lukas stared at him for a second before smiling and replying. “Pretty good, I guess.”
Thomas nodded. “Good. I think you'll be fine, Lukas. Don't let your nerves hold you down.”
Lukas grinned even wider and squeezed Thomas' shoulder. “And you don't go standing in front of people when they take shots.” Their eyes met and both men shared a laugh for a moment.
“On the field after lunch, okay?” Thomas gave a final nod and smile, and Lukas nodded back.
“I'll be ready,” he answered, and that was all Thomas needed to hear before waving him off and heading down the hall. Lukas watched him go, still amused that he'd kicked the ball straight into the trainer. With another laugh he caught the ball with his left foot, rolling it toward himself.
It had been stupid to think that he'd lost all of this.
It was nearing the end of the day's training and they were currently playing a test match on the field. Lukas was playing with Bastian, Mark, and Roy, while they were facing a defensive sided team of Philipp, Micho, Daniel, and Brazzo. Oliver Kahn was in the net, and Lukas currently had the ball at his feet.
It was an amazing feeling to finally be back out here, where he belonged. He'd felt it the moment he'd walked out. This is where he was supposed to be. This is where he was happiest.
He stood on the left side of the field, his left foot on top of the ball, watching as Hasan moved closer to him. He glanced across to his right and locked his eyes on Mark before stepping back and passing the ball over to him. He ran past Brazzo and into the box, right into an open space before the net. Mark sent the ball quickly over to Bastian, who lobbed it into the centre where Roy was waiting. But instead of taking the header himself, Roy instead hit it to the left, where it found Lukas' foot and went into the back of the net.
Lukas just stood there, a huge smile on his face, every concern and worry in the world vanishing. He was going to be okay, because football had never left him. In a moment he felt a few arms grab him and pull him into an embrace, and he pressed his head to Roy's neck, overcome with joy but searching the other side of the field. Bastian stood there watching, the smile on his face making his feelings more than evident.
Lukas had made his recovery, and he'd done it completely on his own. He'd had a lot of help, of course, but in the end he'd gotten over his fears and inhibitions and now he was reaping the rewards. He'd never felt so good about a goal before, even though it was only in training. The prize for this goal was getting his life back. Nothing else could possibly compare.
His celebration was broken up though and he felt a gloved hand settle on the top of his head. “Don't get too cocky,” the gruff voice of his captain said, “I let you score that. I thought it would be good for your confidence.”
Lukas laughed and turned to face Olli, shaking his head and hugging the older man. “It's okay, Olli! You can't stop them all,” he winked and plucked the ball from the keeper's hands, amused as he walked away and heard the captain laughing.
Even though there was only one week of training left, he was determined to enjoy every second of it.