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Chapter 35 - Repercussions
Luckily for Bastian, Lukas had not yet heard about the day’s issue of Bild. He was currently sitting on the balcony, enjoying the sunny day and talking to his sister on the phone, who was still in Poland. He told her about the evening before and about this morning, everything from her milkshake cure working to his good news. She told him about everything she had been up to, which had included going out the night before with one of their cousins to see a live show that featured the majority of members from ZIP Skład, a hip hop collective that featured members from three different groups, including Lukas’ favored WWO. He whined that it wasn’t fair that he kept missing shows; this was now the fourth time that the siblings had gone to visit their Polish relatives and Lukas had left earlier than Tina, only to miss catching one of his favourite Polish acts in concert. She just laughed at him.
He heard the apartment door open and glanced in through the windowed door, telling Tina that Bastian was finally home, so he’d call her again in the next few days to let her know how his training was going. He hung up and left the sunny balcony for the inside of the apartment, laying the phone on the table as he made his way to the door. There was a very happy smile on his face by the time he got to Bastian, very eager to tell the other of his news.
“Hey, you’re back, finally. I feel like I’ve been waiting hours longer than I have.” He grinned at Bastian, who had a slightly confused look on his face.
Bastian had been nervous as he’d opened the door, wondering what kind of a greeting he was going to get. Lukas obviously couldn’t know, given the excited and happy reaction he was currently getting. Bastian tried to match Lukas’ expression, hoping that he didn’t look like he was faking it. Maybe he ought to try and forget about the Bild article for the time being, if Lukas was so happy. He had been intending on telling him right away if he hadn’t known, but maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to have a bit of time first to be happy and playful; one last moment before Lukas potentially erupted at him.
Bastian finished taking off his shoes and walked up to Lukas, slinging an arm around him as he pulled him off toward the couch, wanting to sit down. “Have you been waiting to give me good news?”
Lukas slung his own arm around Bastian as they walked into the living room, feeling quite happy now that the Bavarian was back. He had been waiting for him to return all morning, after all. He was excited to tell him. “I did. Starting tomorrow, I’ll be back at the club. I’m so fucking excited for it, I miss really working out. I hope they don’t make me take things too slowly, though.”
Bastian smiled; he was happy for Lukas, really, but he was also worried about the teasing he was going to be enduring starting tomorrow. At least he wasn’t actually training with the team yet; for a while he was going to be on his own with the physio trainers before he was allowed back to regular training. But he was still going to be at the club, every day. “That’s awesome! See, I told you this week would be your week back. But you just had to be nervous about it, didn’t you?” It was a little hard, trying to react as normally as possible to the news. Is this what he would have said had there been no Bild article hanging over his head?
“Yeah, you were right. But anyway, the coolest thing happened when I got there. Do you remember that kid we saw the first week? Nicholas, the one with cerebral palsy who could barely walk? I saw him again today.” Lukas sat down on the couch, pulling Bastian down beside him. Bastian nodded that he remembered the kid and Lukas continued his story. “Well listen to this, the kid has been learning magic tricks over the past little while. It’s so cute, really, they’re just simple card tricks, but you know how excited kids get with that sort of thing. So Katya had him show me one, there in front of his parents. It was really great; he was so excited about it. And I felt awesome, especially because this time I actually wanted to sit there with him, you know? I mean the last time I didn’t want to think about him, remember? It just made me frustrated and upset with myself? Well this time was different. I really enjoyed seeing him this time. I think he realized it too, because he was pretty open with me. He was talking a lot, which I know first hand is not something you feel comfortable doing with anyone outside of your favourite people when you’ve got problems like he has. But he went from being really quiet to really vocal, and it felt good. I think I might go back and visit him sometimes, or something. Maybe do something for his family, or get them tickets to the games or something. Maybe if I brought it up with Hoeness; it would be good publicity for the club after all.”
While Lukas continued talking about his morning and his plans, Bastian felt progressively guiltier and more nervous. Lukas was in such a good mood right now, he was so happy and positive. Could he ruin that by telling him about the article? Maybe he should just leave it until tomorrow morning. They didn’t have training until the afternoon after all. Maybe he’d take one more night of this before breaking the news to Lukas. But then Lukas would probably be pretty pissed off at him for keeping it from him. Maybe he should tell him right now? Was that the best option?
Lukas noticed Bastian’s silence, since it was quite unusual for him. He almost seemed distracted. “Hey, is everything okay? I’m not used to you nearly ignoring me when I have news.” He winked at Bastian, hoping that nothing was wrong with him.
Bastian took a moment before answering, before even looking at Lukas. He definitely couldn’t put this off. He had to tell him, and it had to be as soon as possible, otherwise he’d be distracted all night. He glanced next to him, all traces of his former smile gone. “Actually, something did come up this morning, and it’s not good.”
Lukas frowned at the news, wondering what could possibly be wrong. Had Magath said something to him, perhaps? Maybe Philipp and Rense had shown up for work drunk and the management was pissed off about it? There were a few possibilities that floated through Lukas’ head, but none of them were close to being accurate.
Bastian laid a hand on Lukas’ knee, squeezing it before standing up. “Hold on a second, I have to go and get something.” He walked over to the door where his bag was, opening it and pulling out the copy of the paper he’d nicked from the locker room. He definitely didn’t want to buy one, so he’d just taken the copy Pizarro had brought with him. He returned to the living room and sat down next to Lukas, biting his lip as he dropped the paper in Lukas’ lap. “Please don’t be too angry about this.”
Lukas felt a knot suddenly formulate in his stomach, nerves and anxiety bundled up in there en masse, his breath hitching in his throat. He didn’t want to know what was on the page staring up at him from his lap. It could be a multitude of things, but there was one thing in particular that he was far too nervous it would end up being about and if it was about that, then life was going to get pretty out of hand. Instead of looking down at the paper he was staring at Bastian, as though looking for reassurance that it was safe to look.
But Bastian wasn’t looking at him just yet; instead he was staring at the paper in Lukas’ lap, as though he were telling him with his eyes alone what his answer would be. So Lukas looked down, eyes flitting around the page until they were drawn to his name. What he read wasn’t that one thing that he had feared, but it wasn’t exactly something that made him feel any better either. For a moment after reading he kept his gaze firmly on the paper in his lap, though his eyes weren’t focusing on the text anymore. He was staring because he didn’t know what to say. What should he say to this? How should he react? While it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to read, it was just another little piece added to the already growing pile of embarrassing and hurtful things written about him over the past few years. With every new piece it all got harder to take, harder to let go. It was supposed to get easier, though. He was supposed to be used to this by now, wasn’t he?
Bastian watched him for signs of what he was thinking. The way his eyes continued to stare down into his lap but lost focus, that wasn’t a good sign. That was a sign that Lukas had slipped off into his own little world for the time being, his mind overactive with thoughts and none of them likely enjoyable. Bastian wanted to reach out to him, to hug him and apologize over and over, to let him yell at him and call him thoughtless and irresponsible, or whatever else he’d want to say. Anything that would make him feel better, Bastian was ready to take. But instead he waited a little longer, he watched Lukas a little bit more, waiting for something else. But nothing else ever came and Bastian couldn’t take the silence any longer.
“Lukas? Are you angry?”
Lukas heard Bastian but at the moment he really didn’t want to answer him; mostly because he wasn’t sure. Was he angry? Should he be angry? This was Bastian’s fault, after all. He’d made the comment; there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it. And he hadn’t even been drunk at the time either! There was no excuse for the lapse in thought on his part.
But while it was Bastian’s fault for making the comment, it wasn’t his fault that it was overheard and printed in the tabloid paper. They shouldn’t have to watch their mouths and only make safe conversation with each other when they out trying to enjoy themselves. They should be free to joke and tease and talk about whatever they wanted. They shouldn’t have to fear being overheard.
But they did, and when it came down to it this was Bastian’s fault. But was he angry at him? Could he be angry at him? While he knew Bastian certainly hadn’t meant any harm, he did have a habit of always jumping at the opportunity to bring up some embarrassing story or fact about him, to make some comment that would have everyone else laughing at his expense. But Bastian had always been like that, it was a part of him and usually Lukas ended up laughing at it anyway, because being angry wasn’t a part of who he was.
But it still stung. He didn’t do it to Bastian, after all. He preferred to keep secrets to himself, to not share them with others they weren’t intended for. Bastian hardly ever kept secrets; the desire to share that interesting information was always too strong. But it was never malicious. He just liked to joke around and laugh. Sometimes he went a bit too far, but his smile and his laughter always made up for it. But now that this was out, it felt a little different. This was really personal, after all. While Philipp and Andi had known the little secret, it wasn’t because Lukas had ever told them. Bastian had been the only person he’d ever told, and true to his nature the Bavarian just couldn’t keep anything to himself, no matter how private or personal it was. The more he kept thinking about it, the more annoyed Lukas got over it. Was Bastian ever going to start talking about the things they were doing together? Would he be able to keep those secrets, or would they come out as well? He had told Michael when they’d talked on the phone, after all. Would Lukas always be worried from now on that Bastian was going to divulge something he didn’t want known?
Lukas was being far too silent for far too long and it had Bastian feeling very nervous. He just wanted a reaction. This reminded him too strongly of Lukas’ reaction when he’d first told him that he was in love with him. Lukas had been quiet and contemplative and it certainly hadn’t ended well. Would he follow suit this time and react similarly? Bastian wouldn’t let him. They needed to deal with this right now and if that meant Lukas being angry with him, then he’d deal with that. He just wanted something to deal with at the moment. “Lukas?” His eyes were fixed on Lukas’ face still, desperately wanting him to look up and acknowledge him.
Finally Lukas looked up at Bastian, though his face was an unreadable mask, nothing but a blank expression, almost as though he was still internally struggling to decide how he felt. He really should say something. But what was there to say?
Bastian was having a rough time dealing with Lukas’ silence and right now he didn’t care if he had to provoke a reaction out of Lukas, he needed to get one. “Look, I’m sorry this happened. I know how rough it is on you to always put up with this, and I’m sorry I caused it this time.”
That seemed to do the trick, as some emotion started to seep into Lukas’ features. “Right, of course you know what it’s like. Of course you’re sorry.” For some reason the apology just annoyed him more. Why couldn’t Bastian ever just keep his mouth shut? And why did he always have to try and show that he understood what it was like for him? He didn’t understand; he couldn’t understand because they were different people who reacted to things differently, and Bastian had never had the same kind of things said about him that had been said about Lukas. He didn’t get it, and the fact that he always wanted to try to was getting on Lukas’ nerves. He tossed the paper aside and stood up, walking away from the couch.
Bastian winced at the words, hearing just enough anger and aggravation in them to know that Lukas was upset. He’d never spoken to him with that kind of tone before. Was this going to be their first real argument, right now? It was nerve-wracking and it made Bastian’s heart hammer in his chest. He wanted to take it all back. Everything he’d ever said or done, he wanted to take it all back. He didn’t want Lukas to be mad at him, not over anything. Not even if it would pass minutes later.
He got up and followed him, intent on not letting him walk away. He wasn’t going to let Lukas run away from the problem this time, as hard as it would be to actually confront the problem. “Lukas, we need to talk about this, please. If you’re angry at me, then be angry. Just don’t walk away from me and not say anything.”
Lukas stopped at Bastian’s words, turning around to face him. “What are we supposed to talk about? The fact that you can’t ever keep your mouth shut? That you just always have to have something to say, something interesting and private to tell everyone else? And don’t get me wrong, I know you don’t do it with malicious intent or anything, but you do it. And you do it to me, all the time.” He really didn’t want to be having this conversation right now. Lukas had never been angry with Bastian over anything before, and it wasn’t that he was angry at him right now, but he was just angry in general with everything involved. He didn’t want to say something he was going to regret later. But it was clear that Bastian wouldn’t leave him alone this time, that he wouldn’t give him time to think about things and decide how he felt. So if Bastian wanted so badly to talk, then Lukas was going to talk, whether Bastian wanted to hear what he had to say or not.
Bastian winced again at the words, mostly because he knew they were true. He did have a habit of imparting what was supposed to be confidential information with others. He just hated not sharing things with people. “I know, you’re right, and I’m sorry. I really am; you have to believe that.”
Lukas frowned and leaned against the wall. “Don’t bother apologizing. You don’t really mean it.”
“I do mean it, you know that.” As badly as he’d wanted a reaction before; now that he had one, Bastian almost wished for the silence again. Maybe he was pushing a bit too far this time; maybe he’d end up hearing something he didn’t want to hear.
“No you don’t. If you were really that sorry, then you would have quit doing it to me long ago. You’re only sorry because this time it blew up in your face. This time it wasn’t just a few of the guys you told it to. That’s why you feel bad - because you feel guilty. You’re not sorry for telling them, Bastian. You’re just sorry that you were stupid enough to do it in public and be overheard, and that’s not really the kind of thing worthy of an apology, because it’s something you just shouldn’t have done in the first place. It wasn’t an accident.” It hurt Lukas to be saying all of this almost as much as it hurt Bastian to hear it. But he was just so annoyed with everything at the moment, he was so tired of having things printed about him for the world to see that he just didn’t care enough to try and smooth over what he was saying right now.
“And don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry at you for this. You’ve been doing it to me for the past few years now; if it bothered me that much then I never would have bothered being your friend. But right now it’s just really worrying me. How am I supposed to trust you now to keep your mouth shut about everything else? This isn’t even really anything I’d thought about before, but now things have changed, and now you have more important things to keep to yourself. But what if you don’t? What if you say the wrong thing at the wrong time again, and end up hurting the both of us? How am I supposed to trust that won’t happen?” He remained against the wall, his eyes glued to Bastian and his arms crossed over his chest, looking extremely defensive.
Bastian didn’t know what to say to that. Lukas was right. How was he supposed to trust him now? He shrugged his shoulders and bit his lip. “I guess maybe I’m just not allowed to talk in public anymore?”
Was Bastian trying to make a joke? While that usually would have diffused any negative emotion Lukas was feeling, at the moment it just made the whole thing that much more obvious. “Can’t you take this seriously? That’s just what I mean, you don’t think about what you say before you say it. You don’t think about the consequences of telling people things that they’re not meant to hear.”
Bastian knew he had a point, and he wanted to show that he was taking this seriously because he was. But he still couldn’t help but grin, just a little, at Lukas’ comment. “I’m sorry; I just can’t help but find it a little funny that you’re the one lecturing me about not thinking before you speak.” It was amusing, really. Lukas had a bad habit of doing the same thing and it was something Bastian often liked to tease him about.
But Lukas was not impressed with the teasing today and it was more than obvious from the look on his face. “I can’t believe you just said that. It just totally proves my point about you! Why do you always have to do that to me?” It wasn’t something that had ever bothered him before and right now Lukas was growing even more agitated that he was reacting so differently to the situation. He’d so badly wanted to believe that this relationship hadn’t changed them much, but right now it appeared to be changing them more than either of them had thought. This in particular was not a change for the good.
Bastian felt like kicking himself in the head, and hard. What had possessed him to say that? He’d wanted to discuss this, hadn’t he? Was he just trying to avoid the subject now because he didn’t like what he was hearing? Lukas had never complained about his actions before, even though at times they had to have hurt him, at least even a little. Did Bastian just not want to hear the truth? Was that why he was trying to joke around now instead of being serious?
He looked away at the wall instead of at Lukas, feeling just a little too upset with himself for handling this so poorly at the moment. While it had taken him a long time to be able to handle hearing criticism, right now hearing it from Lukas was hurting him more than he’d ever thought it could. Maybe it was because Lukas had never seriously criticized him before, or maybe it was just because he was feeling really guilty about this, but Bastian felt worse right now than he’d felt in a long time, even including all of the recent things that had occurred. This was something he should have been able to control. This was something that never should have happened. This was something he could change if he made the effort. But he’d never even thought about the potential problem until it had been blown out of proportion like it was right now.
When Lukas saw Bastian look away he couldn’t help but feel bad. He hadn’t intended to hurt him with the words, but Bastian had just kept pushing for him to talk earlier and once he’d started he’d felt compelled to just get it out and say it all. And even though everything he’d said was true, he still felt bad about saying it. He hated saying anything hurtful about a person, even if it was true. He pushed himself away from the wall and walked over to Bastian, standing in front of him.
“Look, as thoughtless and aggravating as you can be at times, and even though you’ve made at least the next few weeks of my life hell, I still love you.” Lukas didn’t want to argue anymore about this. Arguing was stressful and hectic and he hated it. He’d much rather keep his feelings to himself than let them come out and keep the argument going. This wasn’t worth fighting over. Everything he’d said so far he’d only said because he was angry about the situation, not because he was angry with Bastian.
When he heard Lukas make his statement, Bastian couldn’t help but feel like a jerk. Lukas should be angry right now and he should be the one trying to smooth things over. But instead Lukas was the one trying to placate matters, while he was left scrambling around trying to figure out what to say to make things better.
Lukas remained standing there, waiting for a response. It wasn’t like Bastian to get quiet, especially not when he was the one demanding to talk. “You know, for the person who wanted to have the conversation, you’re being awfully quiet.”
Bastian looked at him finally, wishing he could take back the past few minutes and do this conversation over again because he’d royally fucked it up. Lukas was trying to be so diplomatic about everything; even while telling him off, Lukas was still nice about it. “Well that’s because I fucked up the conversation. I was just expecting you to be really angry at me; fuck I thought you wouldn’t even want to talk to me after reading that.”
“Would it make you feel better if I told you that the thought of punching you in the face did cross my mind when I read it?” Lukas stared at him, no trace of amusement in his expression.
Bastian grinned just a little. “I thought you said this wasn’t the time for joking around.”
“I wasn’t joking.”
The grin dropped from Bastian’s face at Lukas’ words. Though he said he wasn’t angry, there was something there in Lukas’ expression, in his body language and tone of voice, something Bastian hadn’t ever experienced from him before. It certainly felt a lot like anger. Just the thought that he’d been the one to bring it out of Lukas was enough to make him feel sick to his stomach.
“By the way, did you really think I’d be so angry with you over this that I wouldn’t want to talk to you?”
Bastian nodded to the question. “I thought for sure that you’d want to kill me, at least temporarily.”
Lukas frowned at the response. “You’ve done some pretty rotten things to me before, and you’ve never thought I’d be angry at you. Why is this time so different?”
Bastian was a little caught off guard by the question. “Well, this time it’s in a paper, for starters.”
Lukas just continued to stare at him. “It has nothing to do with the paper, this time. You know why it’s really different.” He didn’t say anything else for the moment, letting the silence clarify things if they were foggy. He could see by the look in Bastian’s eyes that he knew what the comment meant. “I thought this wasn’t going to change us.”
Bastian dropped his line of sight to Lukas’ chest. “It wasn’t supposed to. I’m sorry it did.”
Lukas let out an exasperated sigh at the response. “If you say you’re sorry again, I really am going to punch you in the face.”
Bastian smiled a little before glancing back up at Lukas. “Would it make you feel better?”
Just the faintest trace of a grin was pulling at Lukas’ mouth now. “Probably not. We all know how hard your head is, I’d probably break my hand.”
Bastian let out a little laugh at the comment. That was definitely a joke. Did that maybe mean that the worst of the conversation was over? “So, you’re really not mad at me? Not at all?” While he wouldn’t have dared to voice the question a moment ago, the change in tone of Lukas’ voice pretty much made it clear that they were on safe ground again, somehow.
Lukas shook his head. “No, I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad that we can’t do anything without it ending up in fucking Bild. It just doesn’t get easier, at least not for me.” Now it was Lukas’ turn to look away, to stare at the wall and just want to stop talking. Complaining about it wouldn’t do him any good.
Though Lukas had never really talked much about how the constant publicity got to him sometimes, Bastian had always known when there was some new story, some new stupid skit on the radio. It bothered Lukas more than it should and Bastian hated knowing that. He brought his hands up, laying them on Lukas’ arms. “I’m really trying to think of something to say that doesn’t include the words sorry or I understand, because I don’t want you to punch me in the face. But it’s really hard.”
There was a moment’s pause before Lukas reacted and it was just long enough for Bastian to worry that he’d fucked up majorly again. But then Lukas smiled and shook his head and Bastian knew he was safe. “You don’t have to be sorry, and you really don’t have to understand, either.”
“You just want me to listen to you complain and bitch about everything?” Bastian smiled back at him, feeling much more comfortable now that everything had seemed to have slipped back into normalcy again.
“I’d actually rather just not talk about it, to be honest. But yeah I guess if I ever do bring it up, just keep your mouth shut until I’m done ranting about it, and then say something stupid to distract me. You’re good at that.” Lukas’ smile grew a bit wider at those words and Bastian continued to feel like the situation was getting better.
He nodded in response to the comment and let his hands drop away from Lukas’ arms. “I think I can manage that.”
“Good. Now let’s just forget about this for the rest of the day, alright? I think we said everything we had to say about it, so I just want to put it out of my head for today.” Lukas felt better now that things didn’t feel so strained anymore. They’d survived their first-- he didn’t want to call it an argument, because it wasn’t. Whatever the term was for it, it had been unnerving and he’d hated every second of it.
Bastian grinned and slung an arm around Lukas’ shoulders, feeling all of that nervous weight gone now, as he started pulling him in towards the couch. “Oh hey, before we do that I just have to warn you about tomorrow. The guys all know; I found out because Pizarro decided to announce it to everyone this morning. Well, technically Mark did, but Pizza was the one who brought in the paper in the first place.”
Lukas groaned at the thought of training the following day. “I’m really in for it, aren’t I?”
Bastian nodded. “Oh yeah. You might even hear about Pizza and Roque’s idea for a new reality TV show, Finding Princess Poldi. I just wanted to give you a head’s up.”
Lukas groaned again, knowing beyond a doubt now that he was going to be getting it really badly over the next week. “I wish Greg hadn’t cleared me to return after all.”
“Hey, at least you’re not actually training with the team yet. So as long as you avoid everyone when you come in, and then take extra long to leave, it shouldn’t be that bad.”
Lukas huffed in disagreement. “Oh you know they’ll come up with some way to rub it in my face. They’ll probably ask if everyone can train in white kits this week.” Bastian laughed at the comment, quite impressed that Lukas had actually thought about that. It definitely proved that he wasn’t as upset over the situation anymore, that he’d accepted that he was just going to have to deal with it now. Bastian was feeling quite happy about that at the moment.
Lukas glanced at Bastian out of the corner of his eye, suddenly frowning. “If anyone is wearing a white kit tomorrow I swear I really will kill you.”
Bastian grinned and stopped walking, pulling Lukas to a halt as well. “Do you see what I meant before when I made that comment about you not thinking before speaking? This is a prime example of that.” Now that he knew Lukas wasn’t angry with him, now that he knew for sure that things hadn’t changed between them enough that something like this would come in between them, Bastian was actually finding the whole situation startlingly funny. It would be damn hilarious if everyone wore white for the rest of the week. He might just suggest it tomorrow after all.
Lukas glared at him and shook his head. “Fuck you, Schweini.”
Bastian grinned and slid his free hand up Lukas’ arm, over his shoulder, and around to the back of his neck, all while looking Lukas square in the eye. “You better watch what you ask for.” He pulled on Lukas’ neck, bringing his head closer as he inclined his own forward. Once more today he playfully slid his tongue over Lukas’ lips, not pushing for anything just yet but still just testing the waters. But he did up it ever so slightly this time, by continuing to slip his tongue out to meet Lukas’ lips. It wasn’t prying though and he wasn’t doing it because he expected anything, especially not today. He preferred to think of it as expressing his joy that this issue had resolved itself fairly quickly.
But to his surprise suddenly after a few times Lukas’s lips actually parted. Bastian honestly hadn’t been expecting it right now, so it made the feel of their tongues meeting for the first time that much more gratifying. Well, the first time they were meeting and it was voluntary, and not the case of a drunken fit of lunacy on his part.
He dug his fingers into the flesh of Lukas’ neck, his other arm wrapping more tightly around his back, pressing Lukas’ body against his own. When he felt Lukas’ arms wrap around his own back, Bastian suddenly contemplated writing an anonymous thank you letter to Bild. He had no doubt that the events of just earlier had prompted Lukas to make that sudden leap and Bastian felt like the entire ordeal was worth it just for this one damn kiss. For the first time he actually felt something out of Lukas that had never been present before, and that was passion. He wasn’t just standing aside and letting Bastian kiss him, Lukas was just as involved and he had actually been the one to instigate it. Bastian hadn’t pried, and he hadn’t pushed. He’d just apparently finally woken that bit of curiosity on Lukas’ part. If everything new was going to make him this happy, then Bastian felt like he could gladly take years to actually let things between them progress.
The kiss lasted for a good while and once their lips parted Bastian leaned his head against Lukas’, their foreheads touching. He opened his eyes after a few seconds, staring straight into Lukas’ blue ones. He moved his head back just slightly and they both smiled at exactly the same time, the twin curves of their lips saying more than any words could at the moment. A few seconds later and Lukas laid his head against Bastian’s neck, his arms tightening around him again. Bastian had been right in guessing that the prior pseudo-argument had been Lukas’ prompt for deeper contact between them. After those few strained minutes, Lukas just wanted to forget they’d ever happened. He wanted things to be happy again, and suddenly the idea of really kissing Bastian hadn’t seemed quite so strange to him anymore. Maybe it had initially just been a safety measure, maybe it had been his lingering guilt over speaking harshly to Bastian that had made him do it because he felt like it was the best apology he could give him, but now that he’d done it, he’d found that it had actually been pretty nice and not nearly as awkward as he’d imagined.
Bastian couldn’t keep the grin off his face when Lukas buried his head into his neck. His arms tightened around Lukas and he turned his head slightly to press his lips to Lukas’ forehead, wanting to express his appreciation at Lukas’ sudden willingness to progress a little. He was still feeling stupidly excited about it, almost as though it was the first time he’d ever kissed someone. Of all the possible outcomes of the article being printed, this was not one he’d envisioned.
Lukas smiled and closed his eyes when Bastian kissed him, feeling infinitely better about everything right now. He wasn’t even feeling all that angry over the article anymore. He was still worried about the reaction of his team mates, and whether or not anything else would be printed about the situation, but he was used to it after all. He’d gotten through embarrassing things before; he’d get through this one now. The important thing was that things between him and Bastian had smoothed over. He’d take a teasing Bastian over a quiet and moody one any day, even if it meant that he would occasionally have to deal with situations like the present one. As long as he and Bastian were happy together, he’d deal with everything else as it came along.
Bastian kissed Lukas again before speaking. “So, I think after everything that we’ve just been through, we would totally benefit from spending the rest of the day like this, only preferably lying down, or something.”
Lukas pulled away from him and grinned, finding himself agreeing with him. “Good idea. You should probably rest after training, after all.”
Bastian grinned and nodded his head in agreement. “You’re right. Let’s go watch a movie then in the bedroom. Bit more comfortable than the couch.” Bastian started walking towards the hallway, grabbing Lukas’ hand and pulling him along. Lukas grinned and followed him.
“You know, since I did just get back from training, I am actually feeling a little sore, a little tense. Maybe you should give me a massage, or something.” Bastian glanced back at Lukas with a devilish smile on his face.
Lukas looked at him as though he were crazy. “Not likely. You know before when I mentioned punching you in the face? Maybe we should add you asking me for a massage to the list of things that will prompt me punching you in the face.”
Bastian tried his best not to laugh, instead pouting as best as he could. “Oh come on, how many times have I given you a massage?”
“Twice, and both times you offered, I didn’t ask! So I don’t owe you anything.” Lukas grinned.
“That doesn’t matter! You should be offering the same! Do you want me in pain?”
“You’re not in pain, stop complaining. You’re being such a woman.” Lukas winked at him, laughing just a little.
Bastian frowned, letting go of his hand and pushing him into the wall. “I am not. If anyone is the woman in this relationship, it’s you. We both know that I make all the decisions and do everything, except the cooking, which is the woman’s job after all.” Bastian grinned back at him now.
Lukas frowned after being shoved into the wall. “Now that I’m going back to work, we both know that you’ll be cooking again. And besides, who’s the one that spends all that time on their hair? Who’s the one who picks out an outfit based on his shoes, and usually spends close to an hour doing it? Even just to go to training? You’re totally the woman; don’t deny it.”
Bastian frowned right back at him, turning around to stand in the doorway to the bedroom. “You know, like I’ve said before, you could do with putting a little more effort into your wardrobe choices.”
“I always match, that’s enough!” Lukas grinned and started walking towards Bastian.
“Matching is only half the battle. And while we’re on the topic, you have some really horrible shoes.” Bastian was grinning now too, unable to do anything else. He loved teasing Lukas about his clothing choices. Sometimes the younger one would put together something pretty impressive, only at other times to look so unfashionable that Bastian had been certain that Lukas must be doing it on purpose to annoy him.
“My shoes are no worse than your scarves! I mean really, it’s hard to look masculine in a scarf. Unless it’s the dead of winter and it’s freezing cold, only women should wear scarves. Therefore, you are the woman.” Lukas grabbed Bastian by the arms upon reaching him, steering him into the bedroom.
Bastian frowned at the mention of the scarves. It was just proof positive that Lukas knew nothing about fashion. “Fuck you, scarves are hot on guys! Maybe I should punch you in the face the next time you complain about my scarf-wearing.”
Lukas rolled his eyes. “Go ahead. You punch like a girl.” Right after making the comment he pushed Bastian back on his bed, sitting on his chest and pinching him.
Lukas had managed to divert Bastian’s attention with the comment about his punching so that Bastian hadn’t realized they were at the bed. He tried to push Lukas off of him, before slapping at the hands that were pinching him. “I do not punch like a girl! Why don’t you let me punch you right now to prove it?”
They continued to struggle for dominance, with Lukas still managing to maintain it. He grinned and shook his head. “Maybe after your nap; I don’t want you to over-exert yourself.” He finally relented on the wrestling and rolled off of Bastian, lying to his side with his hands behind his head, looking pleased with himself.
Bastian sat up, looking down at Lukas and trying to frown, though it was being threatened by a smile. “I throw a much better punch than you do.”
Lukas continued to grin, looking up at Bastian and laughing. “Oh quit complaining, woman.”
Bastian moved closer to him, a bit of a predatory gleam suddenly coming to his eye. Instead of saying anything though, he suddenly darted down, his body pressing down over Lukas’, one hand darting out to his face, while the other arm extended above Lukas’ head, bracing him as he leaned down. He pressed his lips against Lukas’, feeling just a tiny bit surprised when Lukas didn’t hesitate in opening his mouth, his tongue darting out to meet with Bastian’s. Lukas was definitely okay with this new bit and Bastian would be smiling about it all over again if he weren’t busy kissing him. It made it seem just a little unbelievable that only minutes ago they’d been all nerves and anger.
Bastian remained on top of Lukas; his right leg flung over both of Lukas’, the rest of his body half on top of him. He could feel himself just beginning to get a little turned on by the sudden physicality they were displaying and he did his best to contain it. He knew there was no way Lukas would be ready for that yet. He wasn’t sure if he was even ready for it either. He had no need to rush anything anyway. He pulled away from Lukas, a smile on his face that matched the one that immediately sprang to Lukas’. “Hey, aren’t we supposed to be watching a movie?”
Lukas nodded, the smile not going anywhere. “We are. I think we got sidetracked though.” He finally sat up, leaning over to the bedside table to grab the remote for his television. He rearranged the pillows on the bed and leaned back against them, half sitting up, turning on the TV and checking the list of what was playing on the movie channels. While he was busy doing that, Bastian had grabbed one of the pillows, moving up closer to Lukas, putting the pillow against his chest. Bastian laid his head down on the pillow, draping one arm over Lukas’ midsection.
Lukas looked down at him, smirking just a little. “Getting comfortable, are we?”
Bastian grinned, but didn’t bother to look up at him. “Well if you’re not going to give me a massage, the least you can do is let me lay against you.” He dug his head into the pillow, getting more comfortable.
Lukas just smiled and laid his right hand on Bastian’s shoulder. “I wasn’t complaining.” He found a movie to settle on, some newer action movie neither of them had seen yet. Half the time that they watched movies together, they usually ended up getting so distracted by one another that they missed half the movie and had to re-watch it later. It never got annoying though, and the second time around they’d always manage to remember to keep paying attention. He was fully expecting a distraction during the movie this time.
Bastian was settled quite comfortably against Lukas, happy enough for now with the hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t been serious in his request for a massage earlier; he wasn’t sore at all, he’d just felt the urge to tease Lukas. He was happy enough to lie against him right now. Without thinking about it he slid his right hand up underneath Lukas’ shirt, his fingers running over the skin. It was a habit he’d developed with Daniela, one that had become second nature.
Lukas looked down, a little surprised at the touch. It was nice though, comforting the way the fingers traced over the same pattern. He smiled and looked back at the TV, squeezing Bastian’s shoulder a little. He tried to concentrate on the movie, but given the current circumstances he couldn’t help but think about the hand on his bare skin. It was still rather strange to look down and see Bastian lying against him, to see his hand moving around underneath his shirt. Was this really what he wanted? It certainly felt pretty damn good at the moment, but would it always feel this way?
Just then Bastian craned his neck back, twisting to look up at Lukas, as though he’d only now just realized that he was fondling the skin of Lukas’ stomach and he wanted visual confirmation that Lukas was okay with it. There was a moment that passed when their eyes met in which Bastian wasn’t sure, but then Lukas smiled and moved his hand that was on Bastian’s shoulder, brushing fingers over Bastian’s cheek. Lukas was definitely okay with it.
When Bastian grinned at him and settled his head back on the pillow, the fingers that had momentarily stopped moving over his stomach starting on their path again, Lukas continued to stare down at him, the smile still on his lips. He really needed to stop worrying about the future so much and just enjoy the present. Things could change in an instant, after all. For now he was determined to just stop thinking so much and enjoy the moments as they came. If things changed in the future, then he’d deal with it then. Right now he was quite happy to deal with fingers on his stomach and a familiar body half covering his own.
Luckily for Bastian, Lukas had not yet heard about the day’s issue of Bild. He was currently sitting on the balcony, enjoying the sunny day and talking to his sister on the phone, who was still in Poland. He told her about the evening before and about this morning, everything from her milkshake cure working to his good news. She told him about everything she had been up to, which had included going out the night before with one of their cousins to see a live show that featured the majority of members from ZIP Skład, a hip hop collective that featured members from three different groups, including Lukas’ favored WWO. He whined that it wasn’t fair that he kept missing shows; this was now the fourth time that the siblings had gone to visit their Polish relatives and Lukas had left earlier than Tina, only to miss catching one of his favourite Polish acts in concert. She just laughed at him.
He heard the apartment door open and glanced in through the windowed door, telling Tina that Bastian was finally home, so he’d call her again in the next few days to let her know how his training was going. He hung up and left the sunny balcony for the inside of the apartment, laying the phone on the table as he made his way to the door. There was a very happy smile on his face by the time he got to Bastian, very eager to tell the other of his news.
“Hey, you’re back, finally. I feel like I’ve been waiting hours longer than I have.” He grinned at Bastian, who had a slightly confused look on his face.
Bastian had been nervous as he’d opened the door, wondering what kind of a greeting he was going to get. Lukas obviously couldn’t know, given the excited and happy reaction he was currently getting. Bastian tried to match Lukas’ expression, hoping that he didn’t look like he was faking it. Maybe he ought to try and forget about the Bild article for the time being, if Lukas was so happy. He had been intending on telling him right away if he hadn’t known, but maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to have a bit of time first to be happy and playful; one last moment before Lukas potentially erupted at him.
Bastian finished taking off his shoes and walked up to Lukas, slinging an arm around him as he pulled him off toward the couch, wanting to sit down. “Have you been waiting to give me good news?”
Lukas slung his own arm around Bastian as they walked into the living room, feeling quite happy now that the Bavarian was back. He had been waiting for him to return all morning, after all. He was excited to tell him. “I did. Starting tomorrow, I’ll be back at the club. I’m so fucking excited for it, I miss really working out. I hope they don’t make me take things too slowly, though.”
Bastian smiled; he was happy for Lukas, really, but he was also worried about the teasing he was going to be enduring starting tomorrow. At least he wasn’t actually training with the team yet; for a while he was going to be on his own with the physio trainers before he was allowed back to regular training. But he was still going to be at the club, every day. “That’s awesome! See, I told you this week would be your week back. But you just had to be nervous about it, didn’t you?” It was a little hard, trying to react as normally as possible to the news. Is this what he would have said had there been no Bild article hanging over his head?
“Yeah, you were right. But anyway, the coolest thing happened when I got there. Do you remember that kid we saw the first week? Nicholas, the one with cerebral palsy who could barely walk? I saw him again today.” Lukas sat down on the couch, pulling Bastian down beside him. Bastian nodded that he remembered the kid and Lukas continued his story. “Well listen to this, the kid has been learning magic tricks over the past little while. It’s so cute, really, they’re just simple card tricks, but you know how excited kids get with that sort of thing. So Katya had him show me one, there in front of his parents. It was really great; he was so excited about it. And I felt awesome, especially because this time I actually wanted to sit there with him, you know? I mean the last time I didn’t want to think about him, remember? It just made me frustrated and upset with myself? Well this time was different. I really enjoyed seeing him this time. I think he realized it too, because he was pretty open with me. He was talking a lot, which I know first hand is not something you feel comfortable doing with anyone outside of your favourite people when you’ve got problems like he has. But he went from being really quiet to really vocal, and it felt good. I think I might go back and visit him sometimes, or something. Maybe do something for his family, or get them tickets to the games or something. Maybe if I brought it up with Hoeness; it would be good publicity for the club after all.”
While Lukas continued talking about his morning and his plans, Bastian felt progressively guiltier and more nervous. Lukas was in such a good mood right now, he was so happy and positive. Could he ruin that by telling him about the article? Maybe he should just leave it until tomorrow morning. They didn’t have training until the afternoon after all. Maybe he’d take one more night of this before breaking the news to Lukas. But then Lukas would probably be pretty pissed off at him for keeping it from him. Maybe he should tell him right now? Was that the best option?
Lukas noticed Bastian’s silence, since it was quite unusual for him. He almost seemed distracted. “Hey, is everything okay? I’m not used to you nearly ignoring me when I have news.” He winked at Bastian, hoping that nothing was wrong with him.
Bastian took a moment before answering, before even looking at Lukas. He definitely couldn’t put this off. He had to tell him, and it had to be as soon as possible, otherwise he’d be distracted all night. He glanced next to him, all traces of his former smile gone. “Actually, something did come up this morning, and it’s not good.”
Lukas frowned at the news, wondering what could possibly be wrong. Had Magath said something to him, perhaps? Maybe Philipp and Rense had shown up for work drunk and the management was pissed off about it? There were a few possibilities that floated through Lukas’ head, but none of them were close to being accurate.
Bastian laid a hand on Lukas’ knee, squeezing it before standing up. “Hold on a second, I have to go and get something.” He walked over to the door where his bag was, opening it and pulling out the copy of the paper he’d nicked from the locker room. He definitely didn’t want to buy one, so he’d just taken the copy Pizarro had brought with him. He returned to the living room and sat down next to Lukas, biting his lip as he dropped the paper in Lukas’ lap. “Please don’t be too angry about this.”
Lukas felt a knot suddenly formulate in his stomach, nerves and anxiety bundled up in there en masse, his breath hitching in his throat. He didn’t want to know what was on the page staring up at him from his lap. It could be a multitude of things, but there was one thing in particular that he was far too nervous it would end up being about and if it was about that, then life was going to get pretty out of hand. Instead of looking down at the paper he was staring at Bastian, as though looking for reassurance that it was safe to look.
But Bastian wasn’t looking at him just yet; instead he was staring at the paper in Lukas’ lap, as though he were telling him with his eyes alone what his answer would be. So Lukas looked down, eyes flitting around the page until they were drawn to his name. What he read wasn’t that one thing that he had feared, but it wasn’t exactly something that made him feel any better either. For a moment after reading he kept his gaze firmly on the paper in his lap, though his eyes weren’t focusing on the text anymore. He was staring because he didn’t know what to say. What should he say to this? How should he react? While it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to read, it was just another little piece added to the already growing pile of embarrassing and hurtful things written about him over the past few years. With every new piece it all got harder to take, harder to let go. It was supposed to get easier, though. He was supposed to be used to this by now, wasn’t he?
Bastian watched him for signs of what he was thinking. The way his eyes continued to stare down into his lap but lost focus, that wasn’t a good sign. That was a sign that Lukas had slipped off into his own little world for the time being, his mind overactive with thoughts and none of them likely enjoyable. Bastian wanted to reach out to him, to hug him and apologize over and over, to let him yell at him and call him thoughtless and irresponsible, or whatever else he’d want to say. Anything that would make him feel better, Bastian was ready to take. But instead he waited a little longer, he watched Lukas a little bit more, waiting for something else. But nothing else ever came and Bastian couldn’t take the silence any longer.
“Lukas? Are you angry?”
Lukas heard Bastian but at the moment he really didn’t want to answer him; mostly because he wasn’t sure. Was he angry? Should he be angry? This was Bastian’s fault, after all. He’d made the comment; there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it. And he hadn’t even been drunk at the time either! There was no excuse for the lapse in thought on his part.
But while it was Bastian’s fault for making the comment, it wasn’t his fault that it was overheard and printed in the tabloid paper. They shouldn’t have to watch their mouths and only make safe conversation with each other when they out trying to enjoy themselves. They should be free to joke and tease and talk about whatever they wanted. They shouldn’t have to fear being overheard.
But they did, and when it came down to it this was Bastian’s fault. But was he angry at him? Could he be angry at him? While he knew Bastian certainly hadn’t meant any harm, he did have a habit of always jumping at the opportunity to bring up some embarrassing story or fact about him, to make some comment that would have everyone else laughing at his expense. But Bastian had always been like that, it was a part of him and usually Lukas ended up laughing at it anyway, because being angry wasn’t a part of who he was.
But it still stung. He didn’t do it to Bastian, after all. He preferred to keep secrets to himself, to not share them with others they weren’t intended for. Bastian hardly ever kept secrets; the desire to share that interesting information was always too strong. But it was never malicious. He just liked to joke around and laugh. Sometimes he went a bit too far, but his smile and his laughter always made up for it. But now that this was out, it felt a little different. This was really personal, after all. While Philipp and Andi had known the little secret, it wasn’t because Lukas had ever told them. Bastian had been the only person he’d ever told, and true to his nature the Bavarian just couldn’t keep anything to himself, no matter how private or personal it was. The more he kept thinking about it, the more annoyed Lukas got over it. Was Bastian ever going to start talking about the things they were doing together? Would he be able to keep those secrets, or would they come out as well? He had told Michael when they’d talked on the phone, after all. Would Lukas always be worried from now on that Bastian was going to divulge something he didn’t want known?
Lukas was being far too silent for far too long and it had Bastian feeling very nervous. He just wanted a reaction. This reminded him too strongly of Lukas’ reaction when he’d first told him that he was in love with him. Lukas had been quiet and contemplative and it certainly hadn’t ended well. Would he follow suit this time and react similarly? Bastian wouldn’t let him. They needed to deal with this right now and if that meant Lukas being angry with him, then he’d deal with that. He just wanted something to deal with at the moment. “Lukas?” His eyes were fixed on Lukas’ face still, desperately wanting him to look up and acknowledge him.
Finally Lukas looked up at Bastian, though his face was an unreadable mask, nothing but a blank expression, almost as though he was still internally struggling to decide how he felt. He really should say something. But what was there to say?
Bastian was having a rough time dealing with Lukas’ silence and right now he didn’t care if he had to provoke a reaction out of Lukas, he needed to get one. “Look, I’m sorry this happened. I know how rough it is on you to always put up with this, and I’m sorry I caused it this time.”
That seemed to do the trick, as some emotion started to seep into Lukas’ features. “Right, of course you know what it’s like. Of course you’re sorry.” For some reason the apology just annoyed him more. Why couldn’t Bastian ever just keep his mouth shut? And why did he always have to try and show that he understood what it was like for him? He didn’t understand; he couldn’t understand because they were different people who reacted to things differently, and Bastian had never had the same kind of things said about him that had been said about Lukas. He didn’t get it, and the fact that he always wanted to try to was getting on Lukas’ nerves. He tossed the paper aside and stood up, walking away from the couch.
Bastian winced at the words, hearing just enough anger and aggravation in them to know that Lukas was upset. He’d never spoken to him with that kind of tone before. Was this going to be their first real argument, right now? It was nerve-wracking and it made Bastian’s heart hammer in his chest. He wanted to take it all back. Everything he’d ever said or done, he wanted to take it all back. He didn’t want Lukas to be mad at him, not over anything. Not even if it would pass minutes later.
He got up and followed him, intent on not letting him walk away. He wasn’t going to let Lukas run away from the problem this time, as hard as it would be to actually confront the problem. “Lukas, we need to talk about this, please. If you’re angry at me, then be angry. Just don’t walk away from me and not say anything.”
Lukas stopped at Bastian’s words, turning around to face him. “What are we supposed to talk about? The fact that you can’t ever keep your mouth shut? That you just always have to have something to say, something interesting and private to tell everyone else? And don’t get me wrong, I know you don’t do it with malicious intent or anything, but you do it. And you do it to me, all the time.” He really didn’t want to be having this conversation right now. Lukas had never been angry with Bastian over anything before, and it wasn’t that he was angry at him right now, but he was just angry in general with everything involved. He didn’t want to say something he was going to regret later. But it was clear that Bastian wouldn’t leave him alone this time, that he wouldn’t give him time to think about things and decide how he felt. So if Bastian wanted so badly to talk, then Lukas was going to talk, whether Bastian wanted to hear what he had to say or not.
Bastian winced again at the words, mostly because he knew they were true. He did have a habit of imparting what was supposed to be confidential information with others. He just hated not sharing things with people. “I know, you’re right, and I’m sorry. I really am; you have to believe that.”
Lukas frowned and leaned against the wall. “Don’t bother apologizing. You don’t really mean it.”
“I do mean it, you know that.” As badly as he’d wanted a reaction before; now that he had one, Bastian almost wished for the silence again. Maybe he was pushing a bit too far this time; maybe he’d end up hearing something he didn’t want to hear.
“No you don’t. If you were really that sorry, then you would have quit doing it to me long ago. You’re only sorry because this time it blew up in your face. This time it wasn’t just a few of the guys you told it to. That’s why you feel bad - because you feel guilty. You’re not sorry for telling them, Bastian. You’re just sorry that you were stupid enough to do it in public and be overheard, and that’s not really the kind of thing worthy of an apology, because it’s something you just shouldn’t have done in the first place. It wasn’t an accident.” It hurt Lukas to be saying all of this almost as much as it hurt Bastian to hear it. But he was just so annoyed with everything at the moment, he was so tired of having things printed about him for the world to see that he just didn’t care enough to try and smooth over what he was saying right now.
“And don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry at you for this. You’ve been doing it to me for the past few years now; if it bothered me that much then I never would have bothered being your friend. But right now it’s just really worrying me. How am I supposed to trust you now to keep your mouth shut about everything else? This isn’t even really anything I’d thought about before, but now things have changed, and now you have more important things to keep to yourself. But what if you don’t? What if you say the wrong thing at the wrong time again, and end up hurting the both of us? How am I supposed to trust that won’t happen?” He remained against the wall, his eyes glued to Bastian and his arms crossed over his chest, looking extremely defensive.
Bastian didn’t know what to say to that. Lukas was right. How was he supposed to trust him now? He shrugged his shoulders and bit his lip. “I guess maybe I’m just not allowed to talk in public anymore?”
Was Bastian trying to make a joke? While that usually would have diffused any negative emotion Lukas was feeling, at the moment it just made the whole thing that much more obvious. “Can’t you take this seriously? That’s just what I mean, you don’t think about what you say before you say it. You don’t think about the consequences of telling people things that they’re not meant to hear.”
Bastian knew he had a point, and he wanted to show that he was taking this seriously because he was. But he still couldn’t help but grin, just a little, at Lukas’ comment. “I’m sorry; I just can’t help but find it a little funny that you’re the one lecturing me about not thinking before you speak.” It was amusing, really. Lukas had a bad habit of doing the same thing and it was something Bastian often liked to tease him about.
But Lukas was not impressed with the teasing today and it was more than obvious from the look on his face. “I can’t believe you just said that. It just totally proves my point about you! Why do you always have to do that to me?” It wasn’t something that had ever bothered him before and right now Lukas was growing even more agitated that he was reacting so differently to the situation. He’d so badly wanted to believe that this relationship hadn’t changed them much, but right now it appeared to be changing them more than either of them had thought. This in particular was not a change for the good.
Bastian felt like kicking himself in the head, and hard. What had possessed him to say that? He’d wanted to discuss this, hadn’t he? Was he just trying to avoid the subject now because he didn’t like what he was hearing? Lukas had never complained about his actions before, even though at times they had to have hurt him, at least even a little. Did Bastian just not want to hear the truth? Was that why he was trying to joke around now instead of being serious?
He looked away at the wall instead of at Lukas, feeling just a little too upset with himself for handling this so poorly at the moment. While it had taken him a long time to be able to handle hearing criticism, right now hearing it from Lukas was hurting him more than he’d ever thought it could. Maybe it was because Lukas had never seriously criticized him before, or maybe it was just because he was feeling really guilty about this, but Bastian felt worse right now than he’d felt in a long time, even including all of the recent things that had occurred. This was something he should have been able to control. This was something that never should have happened. This was something he could change if he made the effort. But he’d never even thought about the potential problem until it had been blown out of proportion like it was right now.
When Lukas saw Bastian look away he couldn’t help but feel bad. He hadn’t intended to hurt him with the words, but Bastian had just kept pushing for him to talk earlier and once he’d started he’d felt compelled to just get it out and say it all. And even though everything he’d said was true, he still felt bad about saying it. He hated saying anything hurtful about a person, even if it was true. He pushed himself away from the wall and walked over to Bastian, standing in front of him.
“Look, as thoughtless and aggravating as you can be at times, and even though you’ve made at least the next few weeks of my life hell, I still love you.” Lukas didn’t want to argue anymore about this. Arguing was stressful and hectic and he hated it. He’d much rather keep his feelings to himself than let them come out and keep the argument going. This wasn’t worth fighting over. Everything he’d said so far he’d only said because he was angry about the situation, not because he was angry with Bastian.
When he heard Lukas make his statement, Bastian couldn’t help but feel like a jerk. Lukas should be angry right now and he should be the one trying to smooth things over. But instead Lukas was the one trying to placate matters, while he was left scrambling around trying to figure out what to say to make things better.
Lukas remained standing there, waiting for a response. It wasn’t like Bastian to get quiet, especially not when he was the one demanding to talk. “You know, for the person who wanted to have the conversation, you’re being awfully quiet.”
Bastian looked at him finally, wishing he could take back the past few minutes and do this conversation over again because he’d royally fucked it up. Lukas was trying to be so diplomatic about everything; even while telling him off, Lukas was still nice about it. “Well that’s because I fucked up the conversation. I was just expecting you to be really angry at me; fuck I thought you wouldn’t even want to talk to me after reading that.”
“Would it make you feel better if I told you that the thought of punching you in the face did cross my mind when I read it?” Lukas stared at him, no trace of amusement in his expression.
Bastian grinned just a little. “I thought you said this wasn’t the time for joking around.”
“I wasn’t joking.”
The grin dropped from Bastian’s face at Lukas’ words. Though he said he wasn’t angry, there was something there in Lukas’ expression, in his body language and tone of voice, something Bastian hadn’t ever experienced from him before. It certainly felt a lot like anger. Just the thought that he’d been the one to bring it out of Lukas was enough to make him feel sick to his stomach.
“By the way, did you really think I’d be so angry with you over this that I wouldn’t want to talk to you?”
Bastian nodded to the question. “I thought for sure that you’d want to kill me, at least temporarily.”
Lukas frowned at the response. “You’ve done some pretty rotten things to me before, and you’ve never thought I’d be angry at you. Why is this time so different?”
Bastian was a little caught off guard by the question. “Well, this time it’s in a paper, for starters.”
Lukas just continued to stare at him. “It has nothing to do with the paper, this time. You know why it’s really different.” He didn’t say anything else for the moment, letting the silence clarify things if they were foggy. He could see by the look in Bastian’s eyes that he knew what the comment meant. “I thought this wasn’t going to change us.”
Bastian dropped his line of sight to Lukas’ chest. “It wasn’t supposed to. I’m sorry it did.”
Lukas let out an exasperated sigh at the response. “If you say you’re sorry again, I really am going to punch you in the face.”
Bastian smiled a little before glancing back up at Lukas. “Would it make you feel better?”
Just the faintest trace of a grin was pulling at Lukas’ mouth now. “Probably not. We all know how hard your head is, I’d probably break my hand.”
Bastian let out a little laugh at the comment. That was definitely a joke. Did that maybe mean that the worst of the conversation was over? “So, you’re really not mad at me? Not at all?” While he wouldn’t have dared to voice the question a moment ago, the change in tone of Lukas’ voice pretty much made it clear that they were on safe ground again, somehow.
Lukas shook his head. “No, I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad that we can’t do anything without it ending up in fucking Bild. It just doesn’t get easier, at least not for me.” Now it was Lukas’ turn to look away, to stare at the wall and just want to stop talking. Complaining about it wouldn’t do him any good.
Though Lukas had never really talked much about how the constant publicity got to him sometimes, Bastian had always known when there was some new story, some new stupid skit on the radio. It bothered Lukas more than it should and Bastian hated knowing that. He brought his hands up, laying them on Lukas’ arms. “I’m really trying to think of something to say that doesn’t include the words sorry or I understand, because I don’t want you to punch me in the face. But it’s really hard.”
There was a moment’s pause before Lukas reacted and it was just long enough for Bastian to worry that he’d fucked up majorly again. But then Lukas smiled and shook his head and Bastian knew he was safe. “You don’t have to be sorry, and you really don’t have to understand, either.”
“You just want me to listen to you complain and bitch about everything?” Bastian smiled back at him, feeling much more comfortable now that everything had seemed to have slipped back into normalcy again.
“I’d actually rather just not talk about it, to be honest. But yeah I guess if I ever do bring it up, just keep your mouth shut until I’m done ranting about it, and then say something stupid to distract me. You’re good at that.” Lukas’ smile grew a bit wider at those words and Bastian continued to feel like the situation was getting better.
He nodded in response to the comment and let his hands drop away from Lukas’ arms. “I think I can manage that.”
“Good. Now let’s just forget about this for the rest of the day, alright? I think we said everything we had to say about it, so I just want to put it out of my head for today.” Lukas felt better now that things didn’t feel so strained anymore. They’d survived their first-- he didn’t want to call it an argument, because it wasn’t. Whatever the term was for it, it had been unnerving and he’d hated every second of it.
Bastian grinned and slung an arm around Lukas’ shoulders, feeling all of that nervous weight gone now, as he started pulling him in towards the couch. “Oh hey, before we do that I just have to warn you about tomorrow. The guys all know; I found out because Pizarro decided to announce it to everyone this morning. Well, technically Mark did, but Pizza was the one who brought in the paper in the first place.”
Lukas groaned at the thought of training the following day. “I’m really in for it, aren’t I?”
Bastian nodded. “Oh yeah. You might even hear about Pizza and Roque’s idea for a new reality TV show, Finding Princess Poldi. I just wanted to give you a head’s up.”
Lukas groaned again, knowing beyond a doubt now that he was going to be getting it really badly over the next week. “I wish Greg hadn’t cleared me to return after all.”
“Hey, at least you’re not actually training with the team yet. So as long as you avoid everyone when you come in, and then take extra long to leave, it shouldn’t be that bad.”
Lukas huffed in disagreement. “Oh you know they’ll come up with some way to rub it in my face. They’ll probably ask if everyone can train in white kits this week.” Bastian laughed at the comment, quite impressed that Lukas had actually thought about that. It definitely proved that he wasn’t as upset over the situation anymore, that he’d accepted that he was just going to have to deal with it now. Bastian was feeling quite happy about that at the moment.
Lukas glanced at Bastian out of the corner of his eye, suddenly frowning. “If anyone is wearing a white kit tomorrow I swear I really will kill you.”
Bastian grinned and stopped walking, pulling Lukas to a halt as well. “Do you see what I meant before when I made that comment about you not thinking before speaking? This is a prime example of that.” Now that he knew Lukas wasn’t angry with him, now that he knew for sure that things hadn’t changed between them enough that something like this would come in between them, Bastian was actually finding the whole situation startlingly funny. It would be damn hilarious if everyone wore white for the rest of the week. He might just suggest it tomorrow after all.
Lukas glared at him and shook his head. “Fuck you, Schweini.”
Bastian grinned and slid his free hand up Lukas’ arm, over his shoulder, and around to the back of his neck, all while looking Lukas square in the eye. “You better watch what you ask for.” He pulled on Lukas’ neck, bringing his head closer as he inclined his own forward. Once more today he playfully slid his tongue over Lukas’ lips, not pushing for anything just yet but still just testing the waters. But he did up it ever so slightly this time, by continuing to slip his tongue out to meet Lukas’ lips. It wasn’t prying though and he wasn’t doing it because he expected anything, especially not today. He preferred to think of it as expressing his joy that this issue had resolved itself fairly quickly.
But to his surprise suddenly after a few times Lukas’s lips actually parted. Bastian honestly hadn’t been expecting it right now, so it made the feel of their tongues meeting for the first time that much more gratifying. Well, the first time they were meeting and it was voluntary, and not the case of a drunken fit of lunacy on his part.
He dug his fingers into the flesh of Lukas’ neck, his other arm wrapping more tightly around his back, pressing Lukas’ body against his own. When he felt Lukas’ arms wrap around his own back, Bastian suddenly contemplated writing an anonymous thank you letter to Bild. He had no doubt that the events of just earlier had prompted Lukas to make that sudden leap and Bastian felt like the entire ordeal was worth it just for this one damn kiss. For the first time he actually felt something out of Lukas that had never been present before, and that was passion. He wasn’t just standing aside and letting Bastian kiss him, Lukas was just as involved and he had actually been the one to instigate it. Bastian hadn’t pried, and he hadn’t pushed. He’d just apparently finally woken that bit of curiosity on Lukas’ part. If everything new was going to make him this happy, then Bastian felt like he could gladly take years to actually let things between them progress.
The kiss lasted for a good while and once their lips parted Bastian leaned his head against Lukas’, their foreheads touching. He opened his eyes after a few seconds, staring straight into Lukas’ blue ones. He moved his head back just slightly and they both smiled at exactly the same time, the twin curves of their lips saying more than any words could at the moment. A few seconds later and Lukas laid his head against Bastian’s neck, his arms tightening around him again. Bastian had been right in guessing that the prior pseudo-argument had been Lukas’ prompt for deeper contact between them. After those few strained minutes, Lukas just wanted to forget they’d ever happened. He wanted things to be happy again, and suddenly the idea of really kissing Bastian hadn’t seemed quite so strange to him anymore. Maybe it had initially just been a safety measure, maybe it had been his lingering guilt over speaking harshly to Bastian that had made him do it because he felt like it was the best apology he could give him, but now that he’d done it, he’d found that it had actually been pretty nice and not nearly as awkward as he’d imagined.
Bastian couldn’t keep the grin off his face when Lukas buried his head into his neck. His arms tightened around Lukas and he turned his head slightly to press his lips to Lukas’ forehead, wanting to express his appreciation at Lukas’ sudden willingness to progress a little. He was still feeling stupidly excited about it, almost as though it was the first time he’d ever kissed someone. Of all the possible outcomes of the article being printed, this was not one he’d envisioned.
Lukas smiled and closed his eyes when Bastian kissed him, feeling infinitely better about everything right now. He wasn’t even feeling all that angry over the article anymore. He was still worried about the reaction of his team mates, and whether or not anything else would be printed about the situation, but he was used to it after all. He’d gotten through embarrassing things before; he’d get through this one now. The important thing was that things between him and Bastian had smoothed over. He’d take a teasing Bastian over a quiet and moody one any day, even if it meant that he would occasionally have to deal with situations like the present one. As long as he and Bastian were happy together, he’d deal with everything else as it came along.
Bastian kissed Lukas again before speaking. “So, I think after everything that we’ve just been through, we would totally benefit from spending the rest of the day like this, only preferably lying down, or something.”
Lukas pulled away from him and grinned, finding himself agreeing with him. “Good idea. You should probably rest after training, after all.”
Bastian grinned and nodded his head in agreement. “You’re right. Let’s go watch a movie then in the bedroom. Bit more comfortable than the couch.” Bastian started walking towards the hallway, grabbing Lukas’ hand and pulling him along. Lukas grinned and followed him.
“You know, since I did just get back from training, I am actually feeling a little sore, a little tense. Maybe you should give me a massage, or something.” Bastian glanced back at Lukas with a devilish smile on his face.
Lukas looked at him as though he were crazy. “Not likely. You know before when I mentioned punching you in the face? Maybe we should add you asking me for a massage to the list of things that will prompt me punching you in the face.”
Bastian tried his best not to laugh, instead pouting as best as he could. “Oh come on, how many times have I given you a massage?”
“Twice, and both times you offered, I didn’t ask! So I don’t owe you anything.” Lukas grinned.
“That doesn’t matter! You should be offering the same! Do you want me in pain?”
“You’re not in pain, stop complaining. You’re being such a woman.” Lukas winked at him, laughing just a little.
Bastian frowned, letting go of his hand and pushing him into the wall. “I am not. If anyone is the woman in this relationship, it’s you. We both know that I make all the decisions and do everything, except the cooking, which is the woman’s job after all.” Bastian grinned back at him now.
Lukas frowned after being shoved into the wall. “Now that I’m going back to work, we both know that you’ll be cooking again. And besides, who’s the one that spends all that time on their hair? Who’s the one who picks out an outfit based on his shoes, and usually spends close to an hour doing it? Even just to go to training? You’re totally the woman; don’t deny it.”
Bastian frowned right back at him, turning around to stand in the doorway to the bedroom. “You know, like I’ve said before, you could do with putting a little more effort into your wardrobe choices.”
“I always match, that’s enough!” Lukas grinned and started walking towards Bastian.
“Matching is only half the battle. And while we’re on the topic, you have some really horrible shoes.” Bastian was grinning now too, unable to do anything else. He loved teasing Lukas about his clothing choices. Sometimes the younger one would put together something pretty impressive, only at other times to look so unfashionable that Bastian had been certain that Lukas must be doing it on purpose to annoy him.
“My shoes are no worse than your scarves! I mean really, it’s hard to look masculine in a scarf. Unless it’s the dead of winter and it’s freezing cold, only women should wear scarves. Therefore, you are the woman.” Lukas grabbed Bastian by the arms upon reaching him, steering him into the bedroom.
Bastian frowned at the mention of the scarves. It was just proof positive that Lukas knew nothing about fashion. “Fuck you, scarves are hot on guys! Maybe I should punch you in the face the next time you complain about my scarf-wearing.”
Lukas rolled his eyes. “Go ahead. You punch like a girl.” Right after making the comment he pushed Bastian back on his bed, sitting on his chest and pinching him.
Lukas had managed to divert Bastian’s attention with the comment about his punching so that Bastian hadn’t realized they were at the bed. He tried to push Lukas off of him, before slapping at the hands that were pinching him. “I do not punch like a girl! Why don’t you let me punch you right now to prove it?”
They continued to struggle for dominance, with Lukas still managing to maintain it. He grinned and shook his head. “Maybe after your nap; I don’t want you to over-exert yourself.” He finally relented on the wrestling and rolled off of Bastian, lying to his side with his hands behind his head, looking pleased with himself.
Bastian sat up, looking down at Lukas and trying to frown, though it was being threatened by a smile. “I throw a much better punch than you do.”
Lukas continued to grin, looking up at Bastian and laughing. “Oh quit complaining, woman.”
Bastian moved closer to him, a bit of a predatory gleam suddenly coming to his eye. Instead of saying anything though, he suddenly darted down, his body pressing down over Lukas’, one hand darting out to his face, while the other arm extended above Lukas’ head, bracing him as he leaned down. He pressed his lips against Lukas’, feeling just a tiny bit surprised when Lukas didn’t hesitate in opening his mouth, his tongue darting out to meet with Bastian’s. Lukas was definitely okay with this new bit and Bastian would be smiling about it all over again if he weren’t busy kissing him. It made it seem just a little unbelievable that only minutes ago they’d been all nerves and anger.
Bastian remained on top of Lukas; his right leg flung over both of Lukas’, the rest of his body half on top of him. He could feel himself just beginning to get a little turned on by the sudden physicality they were displaying and he did his best to contain it. He knew there was no way Lukas would be ready for that yet. He wasn’t sure if he was even ready for it either. He had no need to rush anything anyway. He pulled away from Lukas, a smile on his face that matched the one that immediately sprang to Lukas’. “Hey, aren’t we supposed to be watching a movie?”
Lukas nodded, the smile not going anywhere. “We are. I think we got sidetracked though.” He finally sat up, leaning over to the bedside table to grab the remote for his television. He rearranged the pillows on the bed and leaned back against them, half sitting up, turning on the TV and checking the list of what was playing on the movie channels. While he was busy doing that, Bastian had grabbed one of the pillows, moving up closer to Lukas, putting the pillow against his chest. Bastian laid his head down on the pillow, draping one arm over Lukas’ midsection.
Lukas looked down at him, smirking just a little. “Getting comfortable, are we?”
Bastian grinned, but didn’t bother to look up at him. “Well if you’re not going to give me a massage, the least you can do is let me lay against you.” He dug his head into the pillow, getting more comfortable.
Lukas just smiled and laid his right hand on Bastian’s shoulder. “I wasn’t complaining.” He found a movie to settle on, some newer action movie neither of them had seen yet. Half the time that they watched movies together, they usually ended up getting so distracted by one another that they missed half the movie and had to re-watch it later. It never got annoying though, and the second time around they’d always manage to remember to keep paying attention. He was fully expecting a distraction during the movie this time.
Bastian was settled quite comfortably against Lukas, happy enough for now with the hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t been serious in his request for a massage earlier; he wasn’t sore at all, he’d just felt the urge to tease Lukas. He was happy enough to lie against him right now. Without thinking about it he slid his right hand up underneath Lukas’ shirt, his fingers running over the skin. It was a habit he’d developed with Daniela, one that had become second nature.
Lukas looked down, a little surprised at the touch. It was nice though, comforting the way the fingers traced over the same pattern. He smiled and looked back at the TV, squeezing Bastian’s shoulder a little. He tried to concentrate on the movie, but given the current circumstances he couldn’t help but think about the hand on his bare skin. It was still rather strange to look down and see Bastian lying against him, to see his hand moving around underneath his shirt. Was this really what he wanted? It certainly felt pretty damn good at the moment, but would it always feel this way?
Just then Bastian craned his neck back, twisting to look up at Lukas, as though he’d only now just realized that he was fondling the skin of Lukas’ stomach and he wanted visual confirmation that Lukas was okay with it. There was a moment that passed when their eyes met in which Bastian wasn’t sure, but then Lukas smiled and moved his hand that was on Bastian’s shoulder, brushing fingers over Bastian’s cheek. Lukas was definitely okay with it.
When Bastian grinned at him and settled his head back on the pillow, the fingers that had momentarily stopped moving over his stomach starting on their path again, Lukas continued to stare down at him, the smile still on his lips. He really needed to stop worrying about the future so much and just enjoy the present. Things could change in an instant, after all. For now he was determined to just stop thinking so much and enjoy the moments as they came. If things changed in the future, then he’d deal with it then. Right now he was quite happy to deal with fingers on his stomach and a familiar body half covering his own.