(no subject)
Chapter 31 - Support
It was nearing noon when Lena finally left Lukas’ apartment. She hadn’t intended to stay for so long, but once they’d got to talking about what was going on, the time had flown by and she’d missed her ten thirty class. After enough prodding Lukas had finally told her everything that had been going on over the weekend, about his sudden departure after Bastian’s revelation and his sudden return upon his. He told her about their day yesterday, though he did leave some details out. He thought she seemed just a bit too excited at the prospect of him and Bastian being together. She assured him that a large portion of women across the country would likely be asking him exactly the same questions she was, if they ever found out.
That hadn’t made him feel anymore comfortable with the topic and for once Lena relented and stopped harassing him for more details. But she did promise him, as she was leaving, that she was going to be keeping a very close ear on the wall between their apartments.
Now it was nearing lunch time and Bastian would be getting back soon, so Lukas was currently in the kitchen preparing some fish. Though he’d joked around this morning about not making lunch for him, the thought of making Bastian come back to no food had never crossed his mind. He had always been really hungry after coming home from training, so he wasn’t about to have Bastian starve. He put the fish in the oven just as he heard the lock click on the door. He was back.
He finished setting the timer on the oven before heading over to the door, stopping and leaning against the wall. “So, how was training?”
Bastian finished removing his shoes and hung up his jacket before closing the distance between himself and Lukas, a smile on his face. He definitely felt good to be back after training, unable to shake the feeling that in coming here, he was coming home. He laid a hand on Lukas’ side, squeezing him slightly as he leaned in to kiss his cheek. “It was good. You don’t have any plans for tomorrow night, do you? We’re going out with the guys, Andi, Philipp, and Rense.”
“When have I had plans, lately? Where are we going?” Lukas was looking forward to meeting up with the guys and hanging out, though he was slightly nervous about it. What if they noticed anything? What if he and Bastian slipped up at some point and did something overtly affectionate? What would their friends think? Would they even notice?
“We didn’t decide on where or what, really. Probably just go for dinner or something, have a few drinks. We’re going out after training, though, so maybe you should just drop me off tomorrow and then come and pick me up. That way I won’t have to leave my car anywhere overnight after drinking.” Bastian winked at him before heading off toward the kitchen. Lukas shook his head and followed along behind him.
“So what are you cooking? It smells pretty good.” They entered the kitchen and Bastian walked over to the stove, opening it to peer inside.
Lukas stood behind him, arms crossed over his chest. “My lunch.”
Bastian closed the oven and stood back up, looking at Lukas and frowning. “What do you mean your lunch?”
“My lunch.” Lukas shrugged and leaned against the counter, his eyes on Bastian.
“You’re making me some too though, right?”
“Nope. Didn’t have enough, sorry.” Lukas grinned as he watched Bastian’s lips turn down in a frown. “Maybe I’ll let you have a bite of mine, though.”
Bastian stopped frowning and smiled. “You’re such a horrible liar. You wouldn’t let me starve, you know it.” Their eyes met and they both laughed for a moment before Lukas admitted that yes, there was some for him as well. Bastian nodded and a muttered ‘that’s what I thought’ was issued from his lips as he walked into the little pantry at the side of the kitchen, rummaging around until he found what he was looking for, coming back out with a few potatoes in his hand. “So, what did you do all morning? Anything exciting?” He left them on the counter while he filled up a pot with water, setting it on the stove to boil, before returning to the potatoes and washing them before cutting them up.
“Lena came over not too long after you left, actually. We talked for a while.” Lukas remained leaning against the counter, watching Bastian prepare the potatoes. It was a little odd sometimes, how well their thoughts meshed. He’d been intending to cook them himself, but hadn’t had the chance to get them ready before Bastian arrived. Now without a word the Bavarian had taken it upon himself to do it.
Bastian glanced at him midway through cutting. “Does she know?”
Lukas nodded. “Dani told her.” At the mention of Daniela, there was silence for a moment while they both just looked at each other.
“So, what does she think?” Bastian went back to the potatoes, finishing up with the chopping and throwing them into the pot.
“She actually seems kind of excited about it, oddly enough. She’s a strange one, sometimes.”
Bastian looked at him and laughed. “Yeah, she is. But I guess it’s good that she’s not angry or anything. And speaking of Dani, I should really call her. I need to tell her about everything.”
Lukas nodded; he’d been wondering when that talk had been going to occur. “You should go over to see her, though.” Bastian looked up at him suddenly after having placed the lid on the pot, almost as though he thought Lukas’ comment was a little strange. “You can’t talk about this over the phone, you know that. Call her and tell her you’re coming over.”
Bastian was silent for a moment, as though contemplating what Lukas had said. “You’re right, I know. It’s just, well it’s a little nerve-wracking, you know? It still feels so weird. I still think about her.” He wasn’t sure what had compelled him to make the comment, but he hoped Lukas wouldn’t take it badly.
“Of course you do, you were with her for so long, and it hasn’t been that long since, you know. It would be weird if you didn’t still think of her.” Lukas fixed him with a curious gaze, wondering if Bastian thought that having those thoughts would have been a problem. “So go and see her tonight; you guys need to talk.”
Bastian spent a moment just staring at Lukas, judging him by the look on his face. He really did understand, and he clearly wasn’t bothered by any of it. That made Bastian feel a little better about the whole thing, but he was still a little nervous about actually seeing her. He knew why, deep down. He was afraid that seeing her again, especially after this morning, might suddenly strengthen his feelings for her. “Alright, I’ll call her later.” He remained standing by the stove; his eyes now back on the pot in front of him. The water was just starting to boil, judging by the steam rising out of the holes in the lid.
Lukas came up behind him, hands on Bastian’s arms, rubbing them a little. “Don’t worry about it; I’m sure it’ll go well.” He leaned in to kiss his cheek, right beside his ear.
Bastian smiled when he felt the hands on his arms. Lukas was really trying. “You’re right. Let’s go sit until these are ready.” Bastian turned from the stove, one arm circling around Lukas’ back, pulling him along with him as they walked to the other side of the counter where the stools were, sitting down and still in view of the stove.
“Anything exciting happen this morning? Did they give you a hard time about the game?” Knowing their team mates well enough, Lukas knew that once they all saw that Bastian seemed to be in a better mood from how he must have been appearing on the weekend, they wouldn’t hesitate to come up with their own reasons for it and tease him.
Bastian smiled and glanced at Lukas. “Yes, they did. They asked where you had been, so I had to tell them you’d been in Poland. Didn’t say why, of course. But they saw fit to jump to their own conclusions and decide that I played like crap because I missed you.”
Lukas grinned at the explanation. “If only they knew how true it was.”
Bastian frowned. “I didn’t play like crap because I missed you. I played like crap because I thought you hated me.”
“You missed me too. Underneath that fear, you missed me. Don’t deny it.” Lukas reached out and pinched Bastian’s arm.
Bastian batted at his hand. “No way, it was nice to have a few days to myself. You should leave more often.” He grinned as Lukas didn’t bother to move his hand; he only pinched him again. Bastian retaliated by pinching Lukas’ hand, drawing a bit of a whined “ow” from him. A moment later and Bastian was holding Lukas’ hand in his own, thumb rubbing over the spot he’d pinched. Now that they had that spot of teasing out of their system, he talked about the training session in a bit more detail, recounted some of the jokes made that morning, though he left out the mention of his new nickname. Hopefully it would be forgotten tomorrow.
They both got up to finish preparing the midday meal when it was finished cooking, re-settling in their spots at the counter to eat. Lukas did have an actual dining table with chairs, but for some reason they’d never eaten a single meal there yet when they were alone. They preferred the far more casual feel of sitting at the counter on the stools, or sitting on the couch, provided what they were eating was easily handled without a flat surface to lay the plate on.
When they were finished eating Bastian suggested that they go and lay down in Lukas’ room. He liked to have a short nap after training, especially after eating, as the food usually made him sleepier. Lukas agreed and soon enough they were lying on the bed, the TV on but the volume low so it wouldn’t be much of a disturbance. Bastian laid on his stomach, right arm underneath his pillow, left arm half on the bed, half on Lukas’ chest. He wasn’t too concerned about positions right now, as long as he had that bit of contact with him. Lukas flipped through the channels on the TV, not really all that tired, but enjoying the relaxing moment anyway. He laid his hand on top of Bastian’s, lacing their fingers together.
Part of him was still a little surprised at everything that was happening. When the moment was occurring, everything felt pretty natural. When Bastian had walked up to him upon getting in, giving him that affectionate peck on the cheek, it had seemed natural then. But now that he had the time to lie back and think about it, it felt a little odd. Not so much in an uncomfortable way, though, just in a state-of-suspended-belief sort of way, like he still couldn’t grasp that this was all happening. It hadn’t really been all that long either since things had changed. Hell, only a week ago and things had been different, nothing had changed at that point. Maybe he just needed to give himself more time until things felt natural all the time.
Would things ever be like that? Would this really all get so normal that he’d never have these moments of disbelief? Would he just take everything in and never stop to contemplate how odd it all was? Right now he certainly didn’t feel like that day would ever come. It wasn’t that he was full of doubts or anything, but things had just changed so drastically. But then when he thought about it, it wasn’t so much the actions that had changed that much, but it was their meaning. His and Bastian’s meaning to each other had changed. Had the change been for the better, though? He wasn’t sure about that yet. But as he looked down at Bastian, now asleep next to him, he couldn’t help but think that maybe he was thinking a bit too much about this. Maybe he should just let things happen and not worry about any of it and just enjoy it. That seemed like a better idea to him, but it was one that he knew he’d have some troubles keeping up with. But he was still going to try.
Bastian slept for roughly an hour and during that time Lukas remained beside him, still clasping his hand, still flipping through the channels on TV, pausing to watch bits and pieces of programs, not really concentrating on any of them. His phone rang suddenly, causing Bastian to grumble and turn over, while Lukas let go of his hand and got up to answer it. One look at the screen showed that it was his sister. He took the cordless phone back over to the bed, lying down again and answering the call. “Hi Tina.”
“I got your e-mail. Would it kill you to be a little less vague when something so important is currently going on in your life?”
Lukas grinned at her greeting, not surprised by it. “I love you too, Tina!”
“Oh screw off, Lukas. So what’s going on? How are things with you and Bastian? What happened?” It was obvious from the tone of her voice that she’d been worrying since he’d left Poland. He did feel a little bad for not letting her know about things sooner, but he knew she’d understand. She was just a little impatient.
“Things went well. We had a talk, a few talks, actually, and we decided to, well you know. Give it a shot.” He felt a little uncomfortable suddenly, telling his sister about this. It still felt strange to admit it out loud.
“Really? Is that what you want?” Tina was relieved that things had gone well, but like any older sister, she still couldn’t help but worry about her little brother.
“I think so. It’s all still pretty weird, but I think it’s what I want. It just, feels right, sometimes.”
“Well those are the feelings you have to trust; everything else is just a case of thinking about things too much.”
That was just as he’d thought earlier, that the sense of disbelief was a case of his over-thinking things. Just as he was about to reply, Bastian rolled over again, his eyes squinting open and his head now resting on Lukas’ chest. Lukas grinned at him. “Speaking of him, I think our conversation woke him up from his nap.” Lukas watched as Bastian’s eyes widened a bit more, not quite squinting so much now.
“Good, put him on.” Tina didn’t leave any room for disagreement with her command.
Lukas handed the phone to Bastian with a wink, having a pretty good idea of just what Tina intended to say to him.
Bastian took the phone, yawning before putting it to his ear. “What do you want?”
“Listen, I’m only going to say this once. Don’t fuck with my brother, Bastian.”
“Oh hush, woman! I promise, if I hurt Lukas, it’ll be purely physical.” Bastian grinned as he made the comment, wishing that he could be having this conversation with her in person so he could see her reaction. He knew she didn’t really think he’d do anything to hurt Lukas, but she was awfully protective of him anyway.
“I’m serious, asshole! This means you’re family now, so that means that the next time I see you, I can smack you around. So be good to him and it won’t hurt much.”
Bastian laughed at her response, able to hear the humour in her voice. “Shit, does this mean you’re going to start dragging me out to see those stupid Polish groups you and Lukas listen to?”
“Screw you, our Polish music is far superior to that American crap you listen to! You’re betraying your continent, asshole!”
“I’m sorry, I think I missed that last part, there’s a lot of static on the line!” Bastian yelled the last bit into the phone, then laughed and handed the phone back to Lukas. “Here, you talk to her; I’m going to the bathroom.”
Lukas grinned and took the phone back, watching Bastian head off into the adjoining room. “What was that last bit about?”
“Oh, you know our typical arguments about music. Nothing new. You know, that’s one thing you really need to work on with him. Get him to stop listening to that American crap.”
Lukas laughed and agreed with her. He really didn’t care much for most of Bastian’s favourite music, the same way he knew Bastian didn’t much care for his Polish stuff. “I’ll work on it, Tina. So how are things there, anyway? Having a good time?” They talked for a moment about their grandmother, Tina reporting that she really enjoyed seeing her great-granddaughter. She also mentioned that their parents had called. When Tina mentioned talking to them, Lukas couldn’t help but wonder how they’d react to this.
“Tina, what are they going to think?” There was no need to specify what he meant by the question; there was only one possibility.
“I don’t know, Lukas. It’s not like we’ve ever talked about it.”
“Do you think they’d be upset? Do you even know what they think about it in general?” Lukas suddenly felt a bit of panic. What did his parents think about same-sex relationships? He really didn’t know. What if he had to keep this a secret from them too?
“Don’t think about it right now, sweetie. I’ll do some digging when I get home, I’ll let you know. I don’t think they’d ever turn on you though, so don’t go worrying about that. They’ll love you no matter what; you’re too famous.” She couldn’t help but add on that last bit, just to tease him a little.
Lukas shook his head at her response, smiling just a little. “Thanks, Tina,” he responded sarcastically. “But let me know when you talk to them. I don’t want this to cause any major problems.”
“Lukas, remember what I said before about everything else being a product of you thinking too much? Well, it applies in this case too. Stop thinking about it; it won’t do you any good to worry. Just think about you and Bastian, and be happy. Okay?”
“Okay. You’re right, I know.” The door to the bathroom opened and Bastian emerged, walking over to the bed and lying down again next to him, suddenly pulling Lukas’ shirt up a bit and kissing his stomach. Lukas hadn’t been expecting it and he looked down at Bastian in surprise. “What are you doing?”
Bastian responded by moving up on the bed, not saying anything before darting in to kiss Lukas on the neck, right by the mouthpiece of the phone.
Tina heard the telltale sound of a kiss and immediately demanded that Lukas put Bastian on the phone. Having a good idea once again of what was coming, he just smiled and handed the phone off to Bastian.
“What now?”
“Get your dirty hands off of my little brother!”
Bastian laughed at the comment, looking at Lukas with a devious grin on his lips. “Oh, I’m sure he’s had dirtier hands than mine on him at some point in time. He’s a popular boy, you know!”
“Oh please, hands don’t get much dirtier than yours. And I know he’s still got some shred of purity left intact, so don’t you go spoiling him!”
Bastian was laughing hard at the comment, unable to do anything else. Tina had a certain way with words that always made him laugh and right now she was working her magic.
Lukas stared at him, a slight frown gracing his lips, as though he knew what they were talking about and didn’t approve.
Once Bastian stopped laughing, he responded to the last comment. “Listen, I promise I won’t slip anything in his drink or his food, alright?”
Tina finally had to laugh after having been able to put it off this long. “I guess I should be happy that he doesn’t drink, right? And you better not try to influence him otherwise!”
Bastian grinned and looked at Lukas, a predatory gleam in his eye. “I think if he gives it a shot, he could learn to like vodka. As long as we mix it with something good.”
“No alcohol, Bastian! It’s against our moral upbringing!”
“Excuse me? Who was it that called on New Year’s, drunk out of her mind?” The phone call had of course been Lukas’ idea, and at the time Bastian had been pretty damn drunk himself.
“I wasn’t drunk! I was on cold medicine!”
“Sure, Tina.”
“I had a fever! Ask Lukas!”
“Stop your lying! But don’t worry, even though you’ve fallen to the wayside, I promise I’ll protect little Lukas and his honour.” Bastian grinned and met Lukas’ gaze, which was starting to match the frown on his lips.
Lukas got up, looking down at Bastian and shaking his head. “You guys are both jerks!” He left the room, though he was only going out to get something to drink.
Bastian watched him leave, knowing that he wasn’t really upset. “I think we offended him, Tina.”
“Yeah I heard. That poor boy has been so sheltered.” There was a pause for a moment, during which Bastian could practically feel the seriousness setting in. “You look after him, Bastian.”
“I will, don’t worry.” Bastian smiled, finding it a little cute how protective Tina really was. “You don’t have to worry about Lukas; he’s in good hands.”
“I know.” There was another moment of silence before they said goodbye.
After returning the phone to the charger, Bastian left Lukas’ room, heading out to the kitchen where he found him drinking from a glass of water. Bastian walked up behind him, wrapping his arms around Lukas’ chest and kissing the side of his neck. “Have I ever told you that I love your sister? She’s fucking hilarious.”
Lukas grinned. “Yeah, she has her moments. Did you guys have fun talking about me?” Bastian’s comments had been more than enough to clarify what they’d been discussing, and while part of him had found it amusing, another part of him found it just a little uncomfortable. It was something he hadn’t really thought about yet.
“Oh it was great.” Bastian moved one of his hands up, his fingers pushing against the left side of Lukas’ face, turning it so he could lean forward and kiss him on the lips. “You’re lucky you have her, she’s a good source of support.”
Lukas turned to face Bastian. “Speaking of which, you should go and call Dani.”
Bastian nodded. “Yeah, I should.” He grinned a little. “Why are you so eager for me to call her, anyway?”
“I just want a break from you for a while; you’re stifling.” Lukas grinned after making the comment, before turning serious again. “I just want you to deal with everything going on in your head. The longer you put it off, the more it’ll bother you. I know that quite well, myself.” Not giving him a chance to respond, Lukas put one hand on Bastian’s shoulder and pushed him in the direction of the nearest phone, which was in the living room.
Bastian took the hint and walked out into the adjoining room, stopping by the couch to pick up the cordless phone from its base. He slumped down onto the couch, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before punching in the well-known number. It rang three times before finally being picked up. When he heard her ‘hello’ given in greeting, it took him a moment before being able to respond. This was crazy. It had only been a few days since he’d last spoken to her, but it felt like so much longer. What if she’d changed her mind about things after the few days spent away and didn’t want to talk to him?
“Bastian, is that you?”
He couldn’t help but notice that she sounded just slightly weary. “Yeah, it’s me.”
She waited for a moment, to see if he was going to speak. When he didn’t she did. “You know, usually when you call you actually talk.”
“I’m sorry Dani. Are you busy? Can I come over?” He winced as he just blurted the words out gracelessly, feeling like a thirteen year old boy calling his first crush to ask her out on a date. Except he wasn’t thirteen, and this was definitely not a date.
“Sure you can; no plans for me tonight. When are you coming?”
“Is right now okay?” Now that he’d started this, he wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. Not so much talking to her, but the waiting period. He just wanted to see her now; he’d worked up a sense of anticipation a little too highly today.
“Yeah it’s fine. I’ll see you in a bit.”
He barely managed a response before hanging up, immediately feeling like an idiot. Talking to Daniela had never been so hard before. He hadn’t thought talking to her after this would be this hard, but it was and he felt bad about it. It shouldn’t be this hard. She’d been a part of him at one point in time; he still wanted her to be a part of him. But unfortunately for him, he was having a bit of a rough time controlling his thoughts right now.
He sat on the couch for another minute, the phone still clutched in his hand. He hoped that Lukas was right; he hoped that this would go well. But most of all he hoped that seeing her again wouldn’t just confuse him more. He was scared that it would; they’d spent the past few years living together, he couldn’t expect his feelings for her to slip away so quickly; he wasn’t even sure if he wanted them to.
He stood up then; replacing the phone in the charger and making his way back out to the kitchen where Lukas still was, as though he was waiting until Bastian made the call before he got on with the rest of his day. Bastian stood at the entryway to the room, his eyes on Lukas.
Lukas walked over to him, pausing in front of him for only seconds before sliding his arms around him and kissing him on the neck. He tightened his hold around him as though he could sense Bastian’s desire for it by touch alone. “Don’t worry about things too much; just go over there and let whatever happens happen. Don’t worry about me, about us; you need to figure out things with her right now.”
Bastian’s arms tightened around Lukas at those words. It was almost like he knew, like he could sense the real reason behind his hesitation. Didn’t it bother him? Didn’t it hurt Lukas to know that maybe he wasn’t so sure about his feelings? He’d been pretty damn certain last week when he’d almost forced Lukas into this; it wasn’t fair that his mind was contemplating otherwise right now.
Lukas pulled away from him, pushing him towards the door. “I’m thinking that maybe you should walk over there; you don’t seem to be in the right frame of mind for driving right now.”
Bastian stared at him, at the little grin on Lukas’ lips, amazed at his behaviour right now. Sometimes Lukas reacted spontaneously and did things without thinking, things that turned out to be pretty thoughtless. But every now and then he reacted in a way that really surprised Bastian. Lukas had his moments of stunning clarity, of wisdom far beyond his years. They usually tended to happen when it was Bastian who needed the bit of guidance. It was kind of like their minds were one with each other; when one of them was confused and uncertain like he was right now, the other would be there to offer that needed bit of clarity and confidence, no matter how out of character it ended up being.
Bastian didn’t say anything; he just slipped on his shoes, put on his jacket, grabbed his keys, and then gave Lukas a quick kiss before turning to open the door. He paused and looked back. “Thanks; for once you actually made a lot of sense.” He winked at him before turning and heading for the elevator, laughing when he heard Lukas’ muttered response, which wasn’t all that friendly. He looked back before getting on the elevator, finding Lukas standing at the door, staring at him with a smile on his face. Bastian smiled back and stepped onto the elevator.
Getting Lukas’ approval to deal with things however they ended up happening actually did a lot for his mood. He was still a little nervous, but there was something that had disappeared - the guilt. Ever since the morning he’d felt like he’d been hiding something from Lukas, like he’d been being dishonest with him. It hadn’t been intentional dishonesty, of course, but dishonesty arising due to confusion.
He made it down to his car, sliding in and starting it up, switching the music off. He didn’t really feel that music fit with the current situation. The drive to his old apartment, to his old home, didn’t take very long. He pulled into his old parking spot, shutting the car off and getting out, walking up to the building and entering it. He took the elevator up to the fourth floor, getting out and walking down the hallway to the very last apartment, standing in front of the door. He still had his key, of course, but instead of using it, he knocked.
Seconds later and the door opened and he was standing face to face with Daniela. Neither of them moved nor spoke at first, taking a moment just to stare at one another. Finally she moved and he took that as a sign to follow, walking in behind her. He kicked his shoes off quickly and hung his coat up, just for something to do. It was weird, how moments ago, sitting in his car, he’d envisioned the way he was going to start the conversation, what she’d say in response; but now that he was here he couldn’t remember any of it.
So she was the one who spoke first. “I guess you knocking at the door and not using your key kinda says it all, right?” She looked up at him with an expression that he couldn’t really peg down. Disappointment? Confusion? Or a combination that he wasn’t able to make out?
He looked down at the floor instead of at her, unsure of what to say in response. That did say everything, didn’t it? This apartment wasn’t his home anymore; he didn’t feel as though he had the right to just walk in unannounced.
When Bastian looked down at the floor, Daniela had to bite her lip and look up to try and keep from crying. She really didn’t want to burst into tears right now; it would just cause more problems than solutions. She’d figured that after this long it must have meant that things between the guys had somehow smoothed out and gone okay. She wanted to be relieved and happy that this hadn’t split them apart. Instead she was just feeling disappointed and sad. She kept telling herself that she should be expecting this right now; there was no way she could easily go from dumped girlfriend to supportive friend right away, she had to give herself time.
She looked back at him after finally feeling as though she’d gotten a hold of herself. “Listen, I know this is still weird and all but we can’t spend the whole time just being silent and uncomfortable and not talking. I just want to say that if things are actually working out for you guys, like I assume they are, then I’m happy for you, really. I know it might not seem like it right now, at least not if you were actually looking at me instead of the floor, but I’m really trying to not get bogged down here, okay? I just want to know how things are going. I want to know that you’re okay, because I won’t be able to be okay until I know that you are.” She winced slightly upon finishing, wishing that she hadn’t sounded like she’d been rambling on in an attempt to stave off tears. He always knew when she was doing that and she hated that he knew it. She hated that she was plagued by these damn tears and he wasn’t.
He didn’t look at her until after she finished speaking and even then he didn’t say anything. He just looked at her standing there in front of him, tears welling up in her eyes. She hated crying, she always had ever since he’d known her. He used to make fun of her for it; now it just made him want to cry too. Instead he closed the distance in between them, his arms encircling her and pulling her to him. She felt so small and so fragile to him now, he was so aware of the difference between hugging her and hugging Lukas.
“I miss you, Dani.” He knew that comment wasn’t the best way to start things off, but at the moment he couldn’t help himself. He pulled back from her, holding her at half an arm’s length away, hands on her arms. He looked down at her face, into her eyes that were now leaking tears, and without giving it a second thought his hands rose to her cheeks, cupping them as he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her with all the passion he’d felt that morning. In the back of his mind he knew it was wrong; he shouldn’t be doing this to her right now. But he wanted to. He was being selfish, giving himself what he wanted instead of thinking about her. That wasn’t how he normally acted.
To make matters even worse for him, it was Daniela who pulled away first. Though part of her wanted to keep kissing him, wanted to play up his obvious confusion, she knew she wouldn’t win. Bastian had made up his mind when he’d knocked at the door. He wasn’t hers anymore, no matter how confused he might be right now. She wouldn’t let him do this to himself.
When she pushed him back he immediately came to his senses, guilt hitting him anew. “Dani, I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want you-”
“To get the wrong impression?” Daniela cut him off, looking back at him. “You know me better than that, Basti.”
Though she hadn’t intended them in such a way, to Bastian the words felt like a slap to the face. Of course he knew her better than that. He was just too confused and guilty at the moment to really think about what he was saying. “I really am sorry.”
Though she wasn’t crying anymore, there was a look in a Daniela’s eyes that made Bastian wish her tears would come back. Disappointment. She was clearly disappointed in his reaction thus far and he couldn’t blame her. He was acting like an idiot and he knew it. Daniela shook her head slowly, almost as though she was unsure of what to do with him. “Don’t apologize. You’re just confused, and confusion makes us do stupid things.”
Those words weren’t much better. Kissing her might not have been the smartest move he’d ever made, but it certainly hadn’t been stupid either. “It wasn’t stupid, Dani, and I really do miss you. I don’t know if you realize how much.” This was turning out to be just as hard as he’d originally thought it had been going to be. Harder, even, now that he was here.
“Of course you miss me. We’ve been living together for over three years, that’s a long time to suddenly give someone up. It’s okay to miss me, you’ll get over it.” This wasn’t really how she’d been thinking things had been going to go. She was practically pushing him away, explaining his feelings to him in an effort to just get him to move on already. It wasn’t that she really wanted him to move on; she just didn’t want to hold him back.
He was a little surprised at what she was saying, a little disappointed himself, actually. He didn’t really want her to give up so easily. Though he knew she was only doing it because she thought it was best for him, right now he wanted her to collapse in his arms and cry and tell him how badly she missed him, how badly she wanted him to come back. He knew that was selfish thinking again and he felt horrible for the thoughts.
“Look, why don’t we go sit down, or something? You still haven’t even really told me how things are going.” She dropped her hands from him after making the comment, looking up at him before walking into the living room. She sat down in one of the armchairs instead of on the couch, not allowing him any close contact. On one hand it upset him even more, but on the other he knew it was a smart move. It would make it easier on him to talk without getting distracted with wanting to hold her.
He sat on the couch, his hands in his lap. Was she expecting him to tell her about him and Lukas? How could he even start? Moving his line of sight from his hands to her face, he knew he had to say something. “I’m sorry, but this-”
“Oh would you stop apologizing already?!” The frustration was more than obvious in her tone of voice and she immediately felt a little bad for it. “Look, you’re too depressing and guilty when you keep apologizing, and you’re not supposed to be depressed and guilty. I don’t want to see you like that. You didn’t leave me to be depressed and guilty, Bastian. You’re supposed to be happy, and complete, and whatever else you feel with him.” She’d been about to add ‘that you don’t feel with me anymore’ at the end of the sentence, but she’d bitten it back at the last moment. She didn’t want to sound bitter, and that definitely sounded bitter. “So just tell me what’s going on, and don’t apologize anymore.”
Her interruption had definitely taken him by surprise. The frustration in her voice took him by surprise. Her words hit him the way she’d intended them to, though. He realized that she was right. If she was willing to let him go peacefully, the last thing she’d want would be to think that he was unhappy. As long as he was unhappy, then she’d be unhappy. He needed to show her that he was able to move on before she would be able to. “You’re right, I’m- I’m really trying not to say it but this is hard!” He closed his eyes and leaned his head down, hands coming up to press into his face, his fingers squeezing into the corners of his eyes. He gave himself a moment before looking at her again. She had the tiniest smile pulling at her lips and it made him smile too.
“How did he react when you told him?” Maybe she could sense how hard it was for him to talk about it, how hard it was to find a place to begin, so she’d taken it upon herself to make it easier on him.
When he thought back to that moment, the very beginning, he couldn’t help but smile a little. Now that things had worked out between them, he had to admit that it was a little humorous how things had actually started out. “He went to Poland for a few days with Tina.”
Daniela’s mouth dropped open in shock. “He left the country?”
“Yeah well, Tina was already going, and he’d called her to talk to her, and she invited him to come with her. So he thought it would be a good idea to have a bit of time apart.” He had to grin while explaining things.
Daniela smiled. “Yeah, that’s Lukas: act now, think later- if at all.”
“Hey! He’s not that bad.” Bastian knew that Lukas really was that bad; he just couldn’t help but defend him at the moment.
Daniela’s smile turned to a bit of a devious grin. “Amusing, isn’t it? Usually I’m the one defending him from you.”
Bastian grinned back. “Yeah well, you know what they say: love changes everything.”
Daniela couldn’t help but shake her head at the comment; eventually though seriousness settled back in. “Has it changed you guys much?”
“In all honesty, it hasn’t really changed us at all. I still make fun of him; in fact yesterday I gave him a second nickname - Dumbo.” Bastian grinned deviously at the revelation.
“That’s so mean. What’s the other nickname, though?”
“Oh the other one is definitely the best. It’s my favourite. I call him Chubs! You know, since he hasn’t been able to work out for a while, so the well-toned and perfectly muscled body isn’t quite so chiseled anymore? He acts like he hates it, but I know he likes it.”
Once again all Daniela could do was shake her head, muttering about how they were such boys. Bastian grinned anew. “Oh come on, you know you always loved that.”
Daniela sighed. “Sometimes. Other times I wanted to slap you because it was annoying.”
Definitely feeling more relaxed now, Bastian slumped back a bit into the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table. “Anyway, back to the story since you wanted to know; after he watched the match this weekend during which I played like shit, he decided to come back.”
Daniela just looked at him, no discernible expression on her face. She hadn’t even watched the match. Part of her had wanted to, but the other part thought it would be too painful. So she’d let Lena distract her instead. She was happy that Lukas had watched, though. He must have realized then how stupid it had been of him to have left in the first place, though she could sympathize with his shock. “So, what happened when he came back?”
“Well, do you want the full version, or just the short form?” She thought about it for a moment before telling him that she wanted to full version; he smiled and went ahead with it. “Well, to be completely honest, after a very long day I ended up deciding to sleep in his bed that night, for some reason I still can’t figure out. Maybe somehow I knew he was coming back. Anyway, I woke up the next morning and he was there, sleeping next to me.”
If the story had been about anyone else, Daniela would have reacted in a much more stereotypical sense, issuing a loud and long ‘awww’ and smiling. As it was now, she managed the smile, but kept quiet. It was a sweet story, of course, and she was certain that given some more time, she’d probably be able to manage that ‘awww’ without feeling sad about it. She still wanted to hear about it now, though, despite the fact that it would probably make her at least a little upset. “That’s cute.”
“Yeah, it kinda was, I guess.” He watched her closely, not wanting to say too much to upset her. He knew her well enough to know that she wanted the truth, even though it would likely sting a little. “So, then we woke up and talked about it. He was still really hesitant about everything. But as the day went on, things got a little easier. We still acted the same way; we still teased each other in the same stupid ways and made the same stupid comments. I think he needed to know that it wouldn’t change us.”
Daniela nodded, believing that. She and Lukas had actually talked once about the dynamic of his friendship with Bastian, after coming back from the club celebrating a Bayern win, Bastian passed out on the couch. Daniela had asked him why he’d moved to Munich, and he’d told her that above every other reason, he’d wanted to be with Bastian. He explained that when you developed a friendship that close in the sport, when you developed a kind of partnership on the field that they had, you wanted to keep it going. If it meant sacrificing the sense of stability that he’d had in Cologne, then that would be something he’d simply have to do. That conversation had been the one that had hit her the hardest when it came to realizing how close they were. Of course at the time it wasn’t anything like it was now; back then it was simply two best friends coming together. She’d been happy enough when Bastian had told her Lukas was moving to Munich, easily able to see how excited he was about it, but it wasn’t until that conversation that she’d truly understood what it really meant to them.
“So anyway, things just went on from there. We slowly got closer throughout the day; we got more comfortable with the idea. It was definitely a good thing that we had that whole day to really deal with it, to have that uninterrupted time.” He paused then, unsure about how to go on. While it did feel good to finally tell her everything, it did feel a little strange.
“So, did you guys sleep together again that night?” She couldn’t help but ask. She wasn’t sure if he would have willingly told her that much himself without prompting.
He was silent for a moment, before nodding his head. “Yeah, we did.”
“And did you actually sleep?” There was just a little grin there on her lips, the faintest trace of it visible. She was teasing him.
He smiled at the question. “I did. I slept really well, actually.”
“That’s good.” She looked at him for a few seconds, smiling now, before she looked away. She was relieved that things were going well for him; it made this all easier to deal with. After another few seconds she stood up, walking over to join him on the couch. She sat down next to him, facing him with her right leg drawn up underneath her. “Thanks for telling me the truth.”
He smiled when she walked over, and when she thanked him for his honesty, he was still smiling. “Thanks for wanting the truth.” They leaned in toward each other at the same time and his arms circled around her, hugging her tightly as she laid her head against his shoulder. Bastian leaned his head down, pressing a light kiss to her forehead. “I love you, Dani. I always will.” Unlike that moment earlier when he’d blurted out his feelings for her, this time they didn’t make him feel guilty or nervous. This time he was more confident in what those feelings meant, and more confident that it really was okay for him to still have them.
Daniela smiled into his shoulder when he kissed her, feeling a lot calmer and at peace with everything now. She always felt better after knowing what was going on, and now that she knew how things were going between the two, she felt better about it all. It would still take some time to really get comfortable with things, but she felt like she would, eventually. She didn’t want to miss much of this, after all.
It was nearing noon when Lena finally left Lukas’ apartment. She hadn’t intended to stay for so long, but once they’d got to talking about what was going on, the time had flown by and she’d missed her ten thirty class. After enough prodding Lukas had finally told her everything that had been going on over the weekend, about his sudden departure after Bastian’s revelation and his sudden return upon his. He told her about their day yesterday, though he did leave some details out. He thought she seemed just a bit too excited at the prospect of him and Bastian being together. She assured him that a large portion of women across the country would likely be asking him exactly the same questions she was, if they ever found out.
That hadn’t made him feel anymore comfortable with the topic and for once Lena relented and stopped harassing him for more details. But she did promise him, as she was leaving, that she was going to be keeping a very close ear on the wall between their apartments.
Now it was nearing lunch time and Bastian would be getting back soon, so Lukas was currently in the kitchen preparing some fish. Though he’d joked around this morning about not making lunch for him, the thought of making Bastian come back to no food had never crossed his mind. He had always been really hungry after coming home from training, so he wasn’t about to have Bastian starve. He put the fish in the oven just as he heard the lock click on the door. He was back.
He finished setting the timer on the oven before heading over to the door, stopping and leaning against the wall. “So, how was training?”
Bastian finished removing his shoes and hung up his jacket before closing the distance between himself and Lukas, a smile on his face. He definitely felt good to be back after training, unable to shake the feeling that in coming here, he was coming home. He laid a hand on Lukas’ side, squeezing him slightly as he leaned in to kiss his cheek. “It was good. You don’t have any plans for tomorrow night, do you? We’re going out with the guys, Andi, Philipp, and Rense.”
“When have I had plans, lately? Where are we going?” Lukas was looking forward to meeting up with the guys and hanging out, though he was slightly nervous about it. What if they noticed anything? What if he and Bastian slipped up at some point and did something overtly affectionate? What would their friends think? Would they even notice?
“We didn’t decide on where or what, really. Probably just go for dinner or something, have a few drinks. We’re going out after training, though, so maybe you should just drop me off tomorrow and then come and pick me up. That way I won’t have to leave my car anywhere overnight after drinking.” Bastian winked at him before heading off toward the kitchen. Lukas shook his head and followed along behind him.
“So what are you cooking? It smells pretty good.” They entered the kitchen and Bastian walked over to the stove, opening it to peer inside.
Lukas stood behind him, arms crossed over his chest. “My lunch.”
Bastian closed the oven and stood back up, looking at Lukas and frowning. “What do you mean your lunch?”
“My lunch.” Lukas shrugged and leaned against the counter, his eyes on Bastian.
“You’re making me some too though, right?”
“Nope. Didn’t have enough, sorry.” Lukas grinned as he watched Bastian’s lips turn down in a frown. “Maybe I’ll let you have a bite of mine, though.”
Bastian stopped frowning and smiled. “You’re such a horrible liar. You wouldn’t let me starve, you know it.” Their eyes met and they both laughed for a moment before Lukas admitted that yes, there was some for him as well. Bastian nodded and a muttered ‘that’s what I thought’ was issued from his lips as he walked into the little pantry at the side of the kitchen, rummaging around until he found what he was looking for, coming back out with a few potatoes in his hand. “So, what did you do all morning? Anything exciting?” He left them on the counter while he filled up a pot with water, setting it on the stove to boil, before returning to the potatoes and washing them before cutting them up.
“Lena came over not too long after you left, actually. We talked for a while.” Lukas remained leaning against the counter, watching Bastian prepare the potatoes. It was a little odd sometimes, how well their thoughts meshed. He’d been intending to cook them himself, but hadn’t had the chance to get them ready before Bastian arrived. Now without a word the Bavarian had taken it upon himself to do it.
Bastian glanced at him midway through cutting. “Does she know?”
Lukas nodded. “Dani told her.” At the mention of Daniela, there was silence for a moment while they both just looked at each other.
“So, what does she think?” Bastian went back to the potatoes, finishing up with the chopping and throwing them into the pot.
“She actually seems kind of excited about it, oddly enough. She’s a strange one, sometimes.”
Bastian looked at him and laughed. “Yeah, she is. But I guess it’s good that she’s not angry or anything. And speaking of Dani, I should really call her. I need to tell her about everything.”
Lukas nodded; he’d been wondering when that talk had been going to occur. “You should go over to see her, though.” Bastian looked up at him suddenly after having placed the lid on the pot, almost as though he thought Lukas’ comment was a little strange. “You can’t talk about this over the phone, you know that. Call her and tell her you’re coming over.”
Bastian was silent for a moment, as though contemplating what Lukas had said. “You’re right, I know. It’s just, well it’s a little nerve-wracking, you know? It still feels so weird. I still think about her.” He wasn’t sure what had compelled him to make the comment, but he hoped Lukas wouldn’t take it badly.
“Of course you do, you were with her for so long, and it hasn’t been that long since, you know. It would be weird if you didn’t still think of her.” Lukas fixed him with a curious gaze, wondering if Bastian thought that having those thoughts would have been a problem. “So go and see her tonight; you guys need to talk.”
Bastian spent a moment just staring at Lukas, judging him by the look on his face. He really did understand, and he clearly wasn’t bothered by any of it. That made Bastian feel a little better about the whole thing, but he was still a little nervous about actually seeing her. He knew why, deep down. He was afraid that seeing her again, especially after this morning, might suddenly strengthen his feelings for her. “Alright, I’ll call her later.” He remained standing by the stove; his eyes now back on the pot in front of him. The water was just starting to boil, judging by the steam rising out of the holes in the lid.
Lukas came up behind him, hands on Bastian’s arms, rubbing them a little. “Don’t worry about it; I’m sure it’ll go well.” He leaned in to kiss his cheek, right beside his ear.
Bastian smiled when he felt the hands on his arms. Lukas was really trying. “You’re right. Let’s go sit until these are ready.” Bastian turned from the stove, one arm circling around Lukas’ back, pulling him along with him as they walked to the other side of the counter where the stools were, sitting down and still in view of the stove.
“Anything exciting happen this morning? Did they give you a hard time about the game?” Knowing their team mates well enough, Lukas knew that once they all saw that Bastian seemed to be in a better mood from how he must have been appearing on the weekend, they wouldn’t hesitate to come up with their own reasons for it and tease him.
Bastian smiled and glanced at Lukas. “Yes, they did. They asked where you had been, so I had to tell them you’d been in Poland. Didn’t say why, of course. But they saw fit to jump to their own conclusions and decide that I played like crap because I missed you.”
Lukas grinned at the explanation. “If only they knew how true it was.”
Bastian frowned. “I didn’t play like crap because I missed you. I played like crap because I thought you hated me.”
“You missed me too. Underneath that fear, you missed me. Don’t deny it.” Lukas reached out and pinched Bastian’s arm.
Bastian batted at his hand. “No way, it was nice to have a few days to myself. You should leave more often.” He grinned as Lukas didn’t bother to move his hand; he only pinched him again. Bastian retaliated by pinching Lukas’ hand, drawing a bit of a whined “ow” from him. A moment later and Bastian was holding Lukas’ hand in his own, thumb rubbing over the spot he’d pinched. Now that they had that spot of teasing out of their system, he talked about the training session in a bit more detail, recounted some of the jokes made that morning, though he left out the mention of his new nickname. Hopefully it would be forgotten tomorrow.
They both got up to finish preparing the midday meal when it was finished cooking, re-settling in their spots at the counter to eat. Lukas did have an actual dining table with chairs, but for some reason they’d never eaten a single meal there yet when they were alone. They preferred the far more casual feel of sitting at the counter on the stools, or sitting on the couch, provided what they were eating was easily handled without a flat surface to lay the plate on.
When they were finished eating Bastian suggested that they go and lay down in Lukas’ room. He liked to have a short nap after training, especially after eating, as the food usually made him sleepier. Lukas agreed and soon enough they were lying on the bed, the TV on but the volume low so it wouldn’t be much of a disturbance. Bastian laid on his stomach, right arm underneath his pillow, left arm half on the bed, half on Lukas’ chest. He wasn’t too concerned about positions right now, as long as he had that bit of contact with him. Lukas flipped through the channels on the TV, not really all that tired, but enjoying the relaxing moment anyway. He laid his hand on top of Bastian’s, lacing their fingers together.
Part of him was still a little surprised at everything that was happening. When the moment was occurring, everything felt pretty natural. When Bastian had walked up to him upon getting in, giving him that affectionate peck on the cheek, it had seemed natural then. But now that he had the time to lie back and think about it, it felt a little odd. Not so much in an uncomfortable way, though, just in a state-of-suspended-belief sort of way, like he still couldn’t grasp that this was all happening. It hadn’t really been all that long either since things had changed. Hell, only a week ago and things had been different, nothing had changed at that point. Maybe he just needed to give himself more time until things felt natural all the time.
Would things ever be like that? Would this really all get so normal that he’d never have these moments of disbelief? Would he just take everything in and never stop to contemplate how odd it all was? Right now he certainly didn’t feel like that day would ever come. It wasn’t that he was full of doubts or anything, but things had just changed so drastically. But then when he thought about it, it wasn’t so much the actions that had changed that much, but it was their meaning. His and Bastian’s meaning to each other had changed. Had the change been for the better, though? He wasn’t sure about that yet. But as he looked down at Bastian, now asleep next to him, he couldn’t help but think that maybe he was thinking a bit too much about this. Maybe he should just let things happen and not worry about any of it and just enjoy it. That seemed like a better idea to him, but it was one that he knew he’d have some troubles keeping up with. But he was still going to try.
Bastian slept for roughly an hour and during that time Lukas remained beside him, still clasping his hand, still flipping through the channels on TV, pausing to watch bits and pieces of programs, not really concentrating on any of them. His phone rang suddenly, causing Bastian to grumble and turn over, while Lukas let go of his hand and got up to answer it. One look at the screen showed that it was his sister. He took the cordless phone back over to the bed, lying down again and answering the call. “Hi Tina.”
“I got your e-mail. Would it kill you to be a little less vague when something so important is currently going on in your life?”
Lukas grinned at her greeting, not surprised by it. “I love you too, Tina!”
“Oh screw off, Lukas. So what’s going on? How are things with you and Bastian? What happened?” It was obvious from the tone of her voice that she’d been worrying since he’d left Poland. He did feel a little bad for not letting her know about things sooner, but he knew she’d understand. She was just a little impatient.
“Things went well. We had a talk, a few talks, actually, and we decided to, well you know. Give it a shot.” He felt a little uncomfortable suddenly, telling his sister about this. It still felt strange to admit it out loud.
“Really? Is that what you want?” Tina was relieved that things had gone well, but like any older sister, she still couldn’t help but worry about her little brother.
“I think so. It’s all still pretty weird, but I think it’s what I want. It just, feels right, sometimes.”
“Well those are the feelings you have to trust; everything else is just a case of thinking about things too much.”
That was just as he’d thought earlier, that the sense of disbelief was a case of his over-thinking things. Just as he was about to reply, Bastian rolled over again, his eyes squinting open and his head now resting on Lukas’ chest. Lukas grinned at him. “Speaking of him, I think our conversation woke him up from his nap.” Lukas watched as Bastian’s eyes widened a bit more, not quite squinting so much now.
“Good, put him on.” Tina didn’t leave any room for disagreement with her command.
Lukas handed the phone to Bastian with a wink, having a pretty good idea of just what Tina intended to say to him.
Bastian took the phone, yawning before putting it to his ear. “What do you want?”
“Listen, I’m only going to say this once. Don’t fuck with my brother, Bastian.”
“Oh hush, woman! I promise, if I hurt Lukas, it’ll be purely physical.” Bastian grinned as he made the comment, wishing that he could be having this conversation with her in person so he could see her reaction. He knew she didn’t really think he’d do anything to hurt Lukas, but she was awfully protective of him anyway.
“I’m serious, asshole! This means you’re family now, so that means that the next time I see you, I can smack you around. So be good to him and it won’t hurt much.”
Bastian laughed at her response, able to hear the humour in her voice. “Shit, does this mean you’re going to start dragging me out to see those stupid Polish groups you and Lukas listen to?”
“Screw you, our Polish music is far superior to that American crap you listen to! You’re betraying your continent, asshole!”
“I’m sorry, I think I missed that last part, there’s a lot of static on the line!” Bastian yelled the last bit into the phone, then laughed and handed the phone back to Lukas. “Here, you talk to her; I’m going to the bathroom.”
Lukas grinned and took the phone back, watching Bastian head off into the adjoining room. “What was that last bit about?”
“Oh, you know our typical arguments about music. Nothing new. You know, that’s one thing you really need to work on with him. Get him to stop listening to that American crap.”
Lukas laughed and agreed with her. He really didn’t care much for most of Bastian’s favourite music, the same way he knew Bastian didn’t much care for his Polish stuff. “I’ll work on it, Tina. So how are things there, anyway? Having a good time?” They talked for a moment about their grandmother, Tina reporting that she really enjoyed seeing her great-granddaughter. She also mentioned that their parents had called. When Tina mentioned talking to them, Lukas couldn’t help but wonder how they’d react to this.
“Tina, what are they going to think?” There was no need to specify what he meant by the question; there was only one possibility.
“I don’t know, Lukas. It’s not like we’ve ever talked about it.”
“Do you think they’d be upset? Do you even know what they think about it in general?” Lukas suddenly felt a bit of panic. What did his parents think about same-sex relationships? He really didn’t know. What if he had to keep this a secret from them too?
“Don’t think about it right now, sweetie. I’ll do some digging when I get home, I’ll let you know. I don’t think they’d ever turn on you though, so don’t go worrying about that. They’ll love you no matter what; you’re too famous.” She couldn’t help but add on that last bit, just to tease him a little.
Lukas shook his head at her response, smiling just a little. “Thanks, Tina,” he responded sarcastically. “But let me know when you talk to them. I don’t want this to cause any major problems.”
“Lukas, remember what I said before about everything else being a product of you thinking too much? Well, it applies in this case too. Stop thinking about it; it won’t do you any good to worry. Just think about you and Bastian, and be happy. Okay?”
“Okay. You’re right, I know.” The door to the bathroom opened and Bastian emerged, walking over to the bed and lying down again next to him, suddenly pulling Lukas’ shirt up a bit and kissing his stomach. Lukas hadn’t been expecting it and he looked down at Bastian in surprise. “What are you doing?”
Bastian responded by moving up on the bed, not saying anything before darting in to kiss Lukas on the neck, right by the mouthpiece of the phone.
Tina heard the telltale sound of a kiss and immediately demanded that Lukas put Bastian on the phone. Having a good idea once again of what was coming, he just smiled and handed the phone off to Bastian.
“What now?”
“Get your dirty hands off of my little brother!”
Bastian laughed at the comment, looking at Lukas with a devious grin on his lips. “Oh, I’m sure he’s had dirtier hands than mine on him at some point in time. He’s a popular boy, you know!”
“Oh please, hands don’t get much dirtier than yours. And I know he’s still got some shred of purity left intact, so don’t you go spoiling him!”
Bastian was laughing hard at the comment, unable to do anything else. Tina had a certain way with words that always made him laugh and right now she was working her magic.
Lukas stared at him, a slight frown gracing his lips, as though he knew what they were talking about and didn’t approve.
Once Bastian stopped laughing, he responded to the last comment. “Listen, I promise I won’t slip anything in his drink or his food, alright?”
Tina finally had to laugh after having been able to put it off this long. “I guess I should be happy that he doesn’t drink, right? And you better not try to influence him otherwise!”
Bastian grinned and looked at Lukas, a predatory gleam in his eye. “I think if he gives it a shot, he could learn to like vodka. As long as we mix it with something good.”
“No alcohol, Bastian! It’s against our moral upbringing!”
“Excuse me? Who was it that called on New Year’s, drunk out of her mind?” The phone call had of course been Lukas’ idea, and at the time Bastian had been pretty damn drunk himself.
“I wasn’t drunk! I was on cold medicine!”
“Sure, Tina.”
“I had a fever! Ask Lukas!”
“Stop your lying! But don’t worry, even though you’ve fallen to the wayside, I promise I’ll protect little Lukas and his honour.” Bastian grinned and met Lukas’ gaze, which was starting to match the frown on his lips.
Lukas got up, looking down at Bastian and shaking his head. “You guys are both jerks!” He left the room, though he was only going out to get something to drink.
Bastian watched him leave, knowing that he wasn’t really upset. “I think we offended him, Tina.”
“Yeah I heard. That poor boy has been so sheltered.” There was a pause for a moment, during which Bastian could practically feel the seriousness setting in. “You look after him, Bastian.”
“I will, don’t worry.” Bastian smiled, finding it a little cute how protective Tina really was. “You don’t have to worry about Lukas; he’s in good hands.”
“I know.” There was another moment of silence before they said goodbye.
After returning the phone to the charger, Bastian left Lukas’ room, heading out to the kitchen where he found him drinking from a glass of water. Bastian walked up behind him, wrapping his arms around Lukas’ chest and kissing the side of his neck. “Have I ever told you that I love your sister? She’s fucking hilarious.”
Lukas grinned. “Yeah, she has her moments. Did you guys have fun talking about me?” Bastian’s comments had been more than enough to clarify what they’d been discussing, and while part of him had found it amusing, another part of him found it just a little uncomfortable. It was something he hadn’t really thought about yet.
“Oh it was great.” Bastian moved one of his hands up, his fingers pushing against the left side of Lukas’ face, turning it so he could lean forward and kiss him on the lips. “You’re lucky you have her, she’s a good source of support.”
Lukas turned to face Bastian. “Speaking of which, you should go and call Dani.”
Bastian nodded. “Yeah, I should.” He grinned a little. “Why are you so eager for me to call her, anyway?”
“I just want a break from you for a while; you’re stifling.” Lukas grinned after making the comment, before turning serious again. “I just want you to deal with everything going on in your head. The longer you put it off, the more it’ll bother you. I know that quite well, myself.” Not giving him a chance to respond, Lukas put one hand on Bastian’s shoulder and pushed him in the direction of the nearest phone, which was in the living room.
Bastian took the hint and walked out into the adjoining room, stopping by the couch to pick up the cordless phone from its base. He slumped down onto the couch, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before punching in the well-known number. It rang three times before finally being picked up. When he heard her ‘hello’ given in greeting, it took him a moment before being able to respond. This was crazy. It had only been a few days since he’d last spoken to her, but it felt like so much longer. What if she’d changed her mind about things after the few days spent away and didn’t want to talk to him?
“Bastian, is that you?”
He couldn’t help but notice that she sounded just slightly weary. “Yeah, it’s me.”
She waited for a moment, to see if he was going to speak. When he didn’t she did. “You know, usually when you call you actually talk.”
“I’m sorry Dani. Are you busy? Can I come over?” He winced as he just blurted the words out gracelessly, feeling like a thirteen year old boy calling his first crush to ask her out on a date. Except he wasn’t thirteen, and this was definitely not a date.
“Sure you can; no plans for me tonight. When are you coming?”
“Is right now okay?” Now that he’d started this, he wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. Not so much talking to her, but the waiting period. He just wanted to see her now; he’d worked up a sense of anticipation a little too highly today.
“Yeah it’s fine. I’ll see you in a bit.”
He barely managed a response before hanging up, immediately feeling like an idiot. Talking to Daniela had never been so hard before. He hadn’t thought talking to her after this would be this hard, but it was and he felt bad about it. It shouldn’t be this hard. She’d been a part of him at one point in time; he still wanted her to be a part of him. But unfortunately for him, he was having a bit of a rough time controlling his thoughts right now.
He sat on the couch for another minute, the phone still clutched in his hand. He hoped that Lukas was right; he hoped that this would go well. But most of all he hoped that seeing her again wouldn’t just confuse him more. He was scared that it would; they’d spent the past few years living together, he couldn’t expect his feelings for her to slip away so quickly; he wasn’t even sure if he wanted them to.
He stood up then; replacing the phone in the charger and making his way back out to the kitchen where Lukas still was, as though he was waiting until Bastian made the call before he got on with the rest of his day. Bastian stood at the entryway to the room, his eyes on Lukas.
Lukas walked over to him, pausing in front of him for only seconds before sliding his arms around him and kissing him on the neck. He tightened his hold around him as though he could sense Bastian’s desire for it by touch alone. “Don’t worry about things too much; just go over there and let whatever happens happen. Don’t worry about me, about us; you need to figure out things with her right now.”
Bastian’s arms tightened around Lukas at those words. It was almost like he knew, like he could sense the real reason behind his hesitation. Didn’t it bother him? Didn’t it hurt Lukas to know that maybe he wasn’t so sure about his feelings? He’d been pretty damn certain last week when he’d almost forced Lukas into this; it wasn’t fair that his mind was contemplating otherwise right now.
Lukas pulled away from him, pushing him towards the door. “I’m thinking that maybe you should walk over there; you don’t seem to be in the right frame of mind for driving right now.”
Bastian stared at him, at the little grin on Lukas’ lips, amazed at his behaviour right now. Sometimes Lukas reacted spontaneously and did things without thinking, things that turned out to be pretty thoughtless. But every now and then he reacted in a way that really surprised Bastian. Lukas had his moments of stunning clarity, of wisdom far beyond his years. They usually tended to happen when it was Bastian who needed the bit of guidance. It was kind of like their minds were one with each other; when one of them was confused and uncertain like he was right now, the other would be there to offer that needed bit of clarity and confidence, no matter how out of character it ended up being.
Bastian didn’t say anything; he just slipped on his shoes, put on his jacket, grabbed his keys, and then gave Lukas a quick kiss before turning to open the door. He paused and looked back. “Thanks; for once you actually made a lot of sense.” He winked at him before turning and heading for the elevator, laughing when he heard Lukas’ muttered response, which wasn’t all that friendly. He looked back before getting on the elevator, finding Lukas standing at the door, staring at him with a smile on his face. Bastian smiled back and stepped onto the elevator.
Getting Lukas’ approval to deal with things however they ended up happening actually did a lot for his mood. He was still a little nervous, but there was something that had disappeared - the guilt. Ever since the morning he’d felt like he’d been hiding something from Lukas, like he’d been being dishonest with him. It hadn’t been intentional dishonesty, of course, but dishonesty arising due to confusion.
He made it down to his car, sliding in and starting it up, switching the music off. He didn’t really feel that music fit with the current situation. The drive to his old apartment, to his old home, didn’t take very long. He pulled into his old parking spot, shutting the car off and getting out, walking up to the building and entering it. He took the elevator up to the fourth floor, getting out and walking down the hallway to the very last apartment, standing in front of the door. He still had his key, of course, but instead of using it, he knocked.
Seconds later and the door opened and he was standing face to face with Daniela. Neither of them moved nor spoke at first, taking a moment just to stare at one another. Finally she moved and he took that as a sign to follow, walking in behind her. He kicked his shoes off quickly and hung his coat up, just for something to do. It was weird, how moments ago, sitting in his car, he’d envisioned the way he was going to start the conversation, what she’d say in response; but now that he was here he couldn’t remember any of it.
So she was the one who spoke first. “I guess you knocking at the door and not using your key kinda says it all, right?” She looked up at him with an expression that he couldn’t really peg down. Disappointment? Confusion? Or a combination that he wasn’t able to make out?
He looked down at the floor instead of at her, unsure of what to say in response. That did say everything, didn’t it? This apartment wasn’t his home anymore; he didn’t feel as though he had the right to just walk in unannounced.
When Bastian looked down at the floor, Daniela had to bite her lip and look up to try and keep from crying. She really didn’t want to burst into tears right now; it would just cause more problems than solutions. She’d figured that after this long it must have meant that things between the guys had somehow smoothed out and gone okay. She wanted to be relieved and happy that this hadn’t split them apart. Instead she was just feeling disappointed and sad. She kept telling herself that she should be expecting this right now; there was no way she could easily go from dumped girlfriend to supportive friend right away, she had to give herself time.
She looked back at him after finally feeling as though she’d gotten a hold of herself. “Listen, I know this is still weird and all but we can’t spend the whole time just being silent and uncomfortable and not talking. I just want to say that if things are actually working out for you guys, like I assume they are, then I’m happy for you, really. I know it might not seem like it right now, at least not if you were actually looking at me instead of the floor, but I’m really trying to not get bogged down here, okay? I just want to know how things are going. I want to know that you’re okay, because I won’t be able to be okay until I know that you are.” She winced slightly upon finishing, wishing that she hadn’t sounded like she’d been rambling on in an attempt to stave off tears. He always knew when she was doing that and she hated that he knew it. She hated that she was plagued by these damn tears and he wasn’t.
He didn’t look at her until after she finished speaking and even then he didn’t say anything. He just looked at her standing there in front of him, tears welling up in her eyes. She hated crying, she always had ever since he’d known her. He used to make fun of her for it; now it just made him want to cry too. Instead he closed the distance in between them, his arms encircling her and pulling her to him. She felt so small and so fragile to him now, he was so aware of the difference between hugging her and hugging Lukas.
“I miss you, Dani.” He knew that comment wasn’t the best way to start things off, but at the moment he couldn’t help himself. He pulled back from her, holding her at half an arm’s length away, hands on her arms. He looked down at her face, into her eyes that were now leaking tears, and without giving it a second thought his hands rose to her cheeks, cupping them as he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her with all the passion he’d felt that morning. In the back of his mind he knew it was wrong; he shouldn’t be doing this to her right now. But he wanted to. He was being selfish, giving himself what he wanted instead of thinking about her. That wasn’t how he normally acted.
To make matters even worse for him, it was Daniela who pulled away first. Though part of her wanted to keep kissing him, wanted to play up his obvious confusion, she knew she wouldn’t win. Bastian had made up his mind when he’d knocked at the door. He wasn’t hers anymore, no matter how confused he might be right now. She wouldn’t let him do this to himself.
When she pushed him back he immediately came to his senses, guilt hitting him anew. “Dani, I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want you-”
“To get the wrong impression?” Daniela cut him off, looking back at him. “You know me better than that, Basti.”
Though she hadn’t intended them in such a way, to Bastian the words felt like a slap to the face. Of course he knew her better than that. He was just too confused and guilty at the moment to really think about what he was saying. “I really am sorry.”
Though she wasn’t crying anymore, there was a look in a Daniela’s eyes that made Bastian wish her tears would come back. Disappointment. She was clearly disappointed in his reaction thus far and he couldn’t blame her. He was acting like an idiot and he knew it. Daniela shook her head slowly, almost as though she was unsure of what to do with him. “Don’t apologize. You’re just confused, and confusion makes us do stupid things.”
Those words weren’t much better. Kissing her might not have been the smartest move he’d ever made, but it certainly hadn’t been stupid either. “It wasn’t stupid, Dani, and I really do miss you. I don’t know if you realize how much.” This was turning out to be just as hard as he’d originally thought it had been going to be. Harder, even, now that he was here.
“Of course you miss me. We’ve been living together for over three years, that’s a long time to suddenly give someone up. It’s okay to miss me, you’ll get over it.” This wasn’t really how she’d been thinking things had been going to go. She was practically pushing him away, explaining his feelings to him in an effort to just get him to move on already. It wasn’t that she really wanted him to move on; she just didn’t want to hold him back.
He was a little surprised at what she was saying, a little disappointed himself, actually. He didn’t really want her to give up so easily. Though he knew she was only doing it because she thought it was best for him, right now he wanted her to collapse in his arms and cry and tell him how badly she missed him, how badly she wanted him to come back. He knew that was selfish thinking again and he felt horrible for the thoughts.
“Look, why don’t we go sit down, or something? You still haven’t even really told me how things are going.” She dropped her hands from him after making the comment, looking up at him before walking into the living room. She sat down in one of the armchairs instead of on the couch, not allowing him any close contact. On one hand it upset him even more, but on the other he knew it was a smart move. It would make it easier on him to talk without getting distracted with wanting to hold her.
He sat on the couch, his hands in his lap. Was she expecting him to tell her about him and Lukas? How could he even start? Moving his line of sight from his hands to her face, he knew he had to say something. “I’m sorry, but this-”
“Oh would you stop apologizing already?!” The frustration was more than obvious in her tone of voice and she immediately felt a little bad for it. “Look, you’re too depressing and guilty when you keep apologizing, and you’re not supposed to be depressed and guilty. I don’t want to see you like that. You didn’t leave me to be depressed and guilty, Bastian. You’re supposed to be happy, and complete, and whatever else you feel with him.” She’d been about to add ‘that you don’t feel with me anymore’ at the end of the sentence, but she’d bitten it back at the last moment. She didn’t want to sound bitter, and that definitely sounded bitter. “So just tell me what’s going on, and don’t apologize anymore.”
Her interruption had definitely taken him by surprise. The frustration in her voice took him by surprise. Her words hit him the way she’d intended them to, though. He realized that she was right. If she was willing to let him go peacefully, the last thing she’d want would be to think that he was unhappy. As long as he was unhappy, then she’d be unhappy. He needed to show her that he was able to move on before she would be able to. “You’re right, I’m- I’m really trying not to say it but this is hard!” He closed his eyes and leaned his head down, hands coming up to press into his face, his fingers squeezing into the corners of his eyes. He gave himself a moment before looking at her again. She had the tiniest smile pulling at her lips and it made him smile too.
“How did he react when you told him?” Maybe she could sense how hard it was for him to talk about it, how hard it was to find a place to begin, so she’d taken it upon herself to make it easier on him.
When he thought back to that moment, the very beginning, he couldn’t help but smile a little. Now that things had worked out between them, he had to admit that it was a little humorous how things had actually started out. “He went to Poland for a few days with Tina.”
Daniela’s mouth dropped open in shock. “He left the country?”
“Yeah well, Tina was already going, and he’d called her to talk to her, and she invited him to come with her. So he thought it would be a good idea to have a bit of time apart.” He had to grin while explaining things.
Daniela smiled. “Yeah, that’s Lukas: act now, think later- if at all.”
“Hey! He’s not that bad.” Bastian knew that Lukas really was that bad; he just couldn’t help but defend him at the moment.
Daniela’s smile turned to a bit of a devious grin. “Amusing, isn’t it? Usually I’m the one defending him from you.”
Bastian grinned back. “Yeah well, you know what they say: love changes everything.”
Daniela couldn’t help but shake her head at the comment; eventually though seriousness settled back in. “Has it changed you guys much?”
“In all honesty, it hasn’t really changed us at all. I still make fun of him; in fact yesterday I gave him a second nickname - Dumbo.” Bastian grinned deviously at the revelation.
“That’s so mean. What’s the other nickname, though?”
“Oh the other one is definitely the best. It’s my favourite. I call him Chubs! You know, since he hasn’t been able to work out for a while, so the well-toned and perfectly muscled body isn’t quite so chiseled anymore? He acts like he hates it, but I know he likes it.”
Once again all Daniela could do was shake her head, muttering about how they were such boys. Bastian grinned anew. “Oh come on, you know you always loved that.”
Daniela sighed. “Sometimes. Other times I wanted to slap you because it was annoying.”
Definitely feeling more relaxed now, Bastian slumped back a bit into the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table. “Anyway, back to the story since you wanted to know; after he watched the match this weekend during which I played like shit, he decided to come back.”
Daniela just looked at him, no discernible expression on her face. She hadn’t even watched the match. Part of her had wanted to, but the other part thought it would be too painful. So she’d let Lena distract her instead. She was happy that Lukas had watched, though. He must have realized then how stupid it had been of him to have left in the first place, though she could sympathize with his shock. “So, what happened when he came back?”
“Well, do you want the full version, or just the short form?” She thought about it for a moment before telling him that she wanted to full version; he smiled and went ahead with it. “Well, to be completely honest, after a very long day I ended up deciding to sleep in his bed that night, for some reason I still can’t figure out. Maybe somehow I knew he was coming back. Anyway, I woke up the next morning and he was there, sleeping next to me.”
If the story had been about anyone else, Daniela would have reacted in a much more stereotypical sense, issuing a loud and long ‘awww’ and smiling. As it was now, she managed the smile, but kept quiet. It was a sweet story, of course, and she was certain that given some more time, she’d probably be able to manage that ‘awww’ without feeling sad about it. She still wanted to hear about it now, though, despite the fact that it would probably make her at least a little upset. “That’s cute.”
“Yeah, it kinda was, I guess.” He watched her closely, not wanting to say too much to upset her. He knew her well enough to know that she wanted the truth, even though it would likely sting a little. “So, then we woke up and talked about it. He was still really hesitant about everything. But as the day went on, things got a little easier. We still acted the same way; we still teased each other in the same stupid ways and made the same stupid comments. I think he needed to know that it wouldn’t change us.”
Daniela nodded, believing that. She and Lukas had actually talked once about the dynamic of his friendship with Bastian, after coming back from the club celebrating a Bayern win, Bastian passed out on the couch. Daniela had asked him why he’d moved to Munich, and he’d told her that above every other reason, he’d wanted to be with Bastian. He explained that when you developed a friendship that close in the sport, when you developed a kind of partnership on the field that they had, you wanted to keep it going. If it meant sacrificing the sense of stability that he’d had in Cologne, then that would be something he’d simply have to do. That conversation had been the one that had hit her the hardest when it came to realizing how close they were. Of course at the time it wasn’t anything like it was now; back then it was simply two best friends coming together. She’d been happy enough when Bastian had told her Lukas was moving to Munich, easily able to see how excited he was about it, but it wasn’t until that conversation that she’d truly understood what it really meant to them.
“So anyway, things just went on from there. We slowly got closer throughout the day; we got more comfortable with the idea. It was definitely a good thing that we had that whole day to really deal with it, to have that uninterrupted time.” He paused then, unsure about how to go on. While it did feel good to finally tell her everything, it did feel a little strange.
“So, did you guys sleep together again that night?” She couldn’t help but ask. She wasn’t sure if he would have willingly told her that much himself without prompting.
He was silent for a moment, before nodding his head. “Yeah, we did.”
“And did you actually sleep?” There was just a little grin there on her lips, the faintest trace of it visible. She was teasing him.
He smiled at the question. “I did. I slept really well, actually.”
“That’s good.” She looked at him for a few seconds, smiling now, before she looked away. She was relieved that things were going well for him; it made this all easier to deal with. After another few seconds she stood up, walking over to join him on the couch. She sat down next to him, facing him with her right leg drawn up underneath her. “Thanks for telling me the truth.”
He smiled when she walked over, and when she thanked him for his honesty, he was still smiling. “Thanks for wanting the truth.” They leaned in toward each other at the same time and his arms circled around her, hugging her tightly as she laid her head against his shoulder. Bastian leaned his head down, pressing a light kiss to her forehead. “I love you, Dani. I always will.” Unlike that moment earlier when he’d blurted out his feelings for her, this time they didn’t make him feel guilty or nervous. This time he was more confident in what those feelings meant, and more confident that it really was okay for him to still have them.
Daniela smiled into his shoulder when he kissed her, feeling a lot calmer and at peace with everything now. She always felt better after knowing what was going on, and now that she knew how things were going between the two, she felt better about it all. It would still take some time to really get comfortable with things, but she felt like she would, eventually. She didn’t want to miss much of this, after all.