Trying to Accept, Learning to Cope.
I received some rather unsettling words last Tuesday evening.
Lukifer1129: How are you feeling?
LRus49: k
LRus49: Not quite right. Had chemo and radiation again today
Lukifer1129: Yeah
Lukifer1129: You can only have 5 treatments?
LRus49: Got new pain meds though, including a patch and also liquid morphine
LRus49: 6 I was scheduled for
Lukifer1129: Oh
Lukifer1129: Do you think that'll be enough?
LRus49: They told us today that this tumor is a walking time bomb. It could burst open at any minute or day, or then it may never burst open. They don't know.
Lukifer1129: What happens when it bursts?
LRus49: If it bursts internally, I'll die quickly from the large amount of blood loss.
LRus49: That's why I'm doing the radiation, to kill and shrink it before it gets to the bursting point
Lukifer1129: Yeah
LRus49: With a little luck, I'll be successful!
Lukifer1129: Oh my god... I didn't know it could happen any day
LRus49: Yep, any day, any minute they said.
Lukifer1129: Would you die instantly or could you get to a hospital quickly?
Lukifer1129: Isn't that unnerving to you?
LRus49: They said if it bursts internally there's nothing they can do about it. It's suddenly very unnerving, that's for sure!
Lukifer1129: Yeah...
Lukifer1129: Do they know if it's growing?
LRus49: They said the tumor is still growing, or it looks that way to them. I thought for the first time today that I was looking a lilttle smaller. The color has changed from purple, red and blue to a waxy red kind of color. Did you notice that in the hospital?
LRus49: They say that attitude is a lot of the battle, so I try to keep a positive one. I won't lie though, I do become depressed and discouraged a lot of the time too. I also worry, not for me, but for you and your mom. I want you guys to be okay.
LRus49: The one letter you wrote told me a lot that I didn't know. I appreciated your honesty.
LRus49: Like Jim Morrison said - "nobody gets out of here alive!" We're all going to go someday anyway. I just wasn't planning on 50-something. I still have retirement and all my "toys" and hobbies to look forward to!
LRus49: You're only eighteen and experiencing some hard times. It's not the end of your world and it's not the worst. You have a lot to be happy about and a lot going for you. Think about that and remember that!
LRus49: The bad times in your life are going to come and go. It happens to everyone. Don't let them destroy you and your spirit!
LRus49: Heck, look at me and all the shit that happened to us as children, being abused by a drunk father, being given up to live in a children's home run by catholic nuns, etc. I never gave up (even though it got to me from time to time). I had a lot of other emotional and physical problems also in my life - lots of them - but you know what, you get through them.
Lukifer1129: I don't know how I'd ever recover losing you
Lukifer1129: I'm not nearly as strong as you
Lukifer1129: I have no idea how you did it
LRus49: I "lost" my parents when I was only nine. You will get by. Believe me.
Lukifer1129: But you didn't have to watch them slowly fade away from you
Lukifer1129: You know how much you mean to me
Lukifer1129: I can't let you die
LRus49: You have a lot of good memories, pictures, movies, etc. to look back on also whenever you want. I never had any of that hardly.
Lukifer1129: I'm sorry I can't take anymore of this tonight
Lukifer1129: I'm sitting here crying in front of my roommates
LRus49: Luke, we're all going to fade away at some point. Me, you, your mom, even your own loved ones and kids. It's life. I know it doesn't always seem fair, but there's nothing we can do about that. You just have to enjoy what you're given and what you have.
LRus49: Enjoy it now and try not to worry so much. Whatever's going to happen is going to happen, no matter how much we worry or dont worry about it.
LRus49: My aim is to be here for you, that you can count on.
LRus49: Hell I saw you through 10th, 11th and 12 grades, and now you're in college. You're doing great!
LRus49: You've had a good solid home/family life too.
LRus49: I don't know if you'll do this or not, but I think that talking to a counselor about all this would help you a lot. They're professionals trained to listen and help people. Will you look into it for me?
LRus49: You're preparing for and planning what you're going to do with your life! I have every intention of being around for all that stuff you mentioned! And if I'm not, you can always be assured that I was ALWAYS very proud of you for what you have done, and what I KNOW you have the potental of doing!
LRus49: You know, if God will let me, I'll stay close to you after I die and be your guardian angel. Maybe I'll be able to sneak you a sign every once in a while to let you know that i'm there looking out for you!
LRus49: You concentrate on your school for now. I'll keep you posted. I'm planning on beating this again and again and again. I've done it so far!
I'm trying desperately to accept things that are beyond my control and learn to cope with impending tragedy, for when and where it will strike. And optimistically, if ever. It's beyond devastating, and I feel like none of our family should have had to deal with something like this. Ever. But amongst my shattered self I find that occasionally I almost feel on the verge of reaching a different level; and I need it if I ever would hope to get up on my feet again. I've felt so lost recently, random things are just messing with my head; lack of permanence is likely to blame. When you start to question the very things you construct your thoughts around, the possibility that it could all end tomorrow. So you must excuse me if I haven't been my normal self. Well, my mom wrote me an email last week: "I sent you something I wrote today which I hope you will take to heart, as to what your role is in the situation that now affects us all. And, if you can, with your superior mind, separate reality and what, recognizing that reality, is most desirable to this family, from your heartbrokeness, you will, I think, see that I'm right. Did you read John Gunther, Sr.'s DEATH BE NOT PROUD? But your Dad is still up and about, a morfiend--which has improved his spirits, I see. You, Luke, were always fast with Dad--he had infinitely more patience with you than I did. I did the caretaking, primarily, and he the entertaining. And you were a Primo Sponge--I would often wonder from day to day--where did he learn that? I tested you with a non-verbal IQ test--until you started being uncooperative--and 152 was scored. Not that that is so now, necessarily, but you are no slouch, that's for certain. You can best go on as you have, and make us proud. And we are not, NO WAY, NO HOW, giving up. Not allowed."
It made me feel better. Anyway, thanks to daylight savings time for an extra hour of sleep.
And Happy Halloween, everyone.
Lukifer1129: How are you feeling?
LRus49: k
LRus49: Not quite right. Had chemo and radiation again today
Lukifer1129: Yeah
Lukifer1129: You can only have 5 treatments?
LRus49: Got new pain meds though, including a patch and also liquid morphine
LRus49: 6 I was scheduled for
Lukifer1129: Oh
Lukifer1129: Do you think that'll be enough?
LRus49: They told us today that this tumor is a walking time bomb. It could burst open at any minute or day, or then it may never burst open. They don't know.
Lukifer1129: What happens when it bursts?
LRus49: If it bursts internally, I'll die quickly from the large amount of blood loss.
LRus49: That's why I'm doing the radiation, to kill and shrink it before it gets to the bursting point
Lukifer1129: Yeah
LRus49: With a little luck, I'll be successful!
Lukifer1129: Oh my god... I didn't know it could happen any day
LRus49: Yep, any day, any minute they said.
Lukifer1129: Would you die instantly or could you get to a hospital quickly?
Lukifer1129: Isn't that unnerving to you?
LRus49: They said if it bursts internally there's nothing they can do about it. It's suddenly very unnerving, that's for sure!
Lukifer1129: Yeah...
Lukifer1129: Do they know if it's growing?
LRus49: They said the tumor is still growing, or it looks that way to them. I thought for the first time today that I was looking a lilttle smaller. The color has changed from purple, red and blue to a waxy red kind of color. Did you notice that in the hospital?
LRus49: They say that attitude is a lot of the battle, so I try to keep a positive one. I won't lie though, I do become depressed and discouraged a lot of the time too. I also worry, not for me, but for you and your mom. I want you guys to be okay.
LRus49: The one letter you wrote told me a lot that I didn't know. I appreciated your honesty.
LRus49: Like Jim Morrison said - "nobody gets out of here alive!" We're all going to go someday anyway. I just wasn't planning on 50-something. I still have retirement and all my "toys" and hobbies to look forward to!
LRus49: You're only eighteen and experiencing some hard times. It's not the end of your world and it's not the worst. You have a lot to be happy about and a lot going for you. Think about that and remember that!
LRus49: The bad times in your life are going to come and go. It happens to everyone. Don't let them destroy you and your spirit!
LRus49: Heck, look at me and all the shit that happened to us as children, being abused by a drunk father, being given up to live in a children's home run by catholic nuns, etc. I never gave up (even though it got to me from time to time). I had a lot of other emotional and physical problems also in my life - lots of them - but you know what, you get through them.
Lukifer1129: I don't know how I'd ever recover losing you
Lukifer1129: I'm not nearly as strong as you
Lukifer1129: I have no idea how you did it
LRus49: I "lost" my parents when I was only nine. You will get by. Believe me.
Lukifer1129: But you didn't have to watch them slowly fade away from you
Lukifer1129: You know how much you mean to me
Lukifer1129: I can't let you die
LRus49: You have a lot of good memories, pictures, movies, etc. to look back on also whenever you want. I never had any of that hardly.
Lukifer1129: I'm sorry I can't take anymore of this tonight
Lukifer1129: I'm sitting here crying in front of my roommates
LRus49: Luke, we're all going to fade away at some point. Me, you, your mom, even your own loved ones and kids. It's life. I know it doesn't always seem fair, but there's nothing we can do about that. You just have to enjoy what you're given and what you have.
LRus49: Enjoy it now and try not to worry so much. Whatever's going to happen is going to happen, no matter how much we worry or dont worry about it.
LRus49: My aim is to be here for you, that you can count on.
LRus49: Hell I saw you through 10th, 11th and 12 grades, and now you're in college. You're doing great!
LRus49: You've had a good solid home/family life too.
LRus49: I don't know if you'll do this or not, but I think that talking to a counselor about all this would help you a lot. They're professionals trained to listen and help people. Will you look into it for me?
LRus49: You're preparing for and planning what you're going to do with your life! I have every intention of being around for all that stuff you mentioned! And if I'm not, you can always be assured that I was ALWAYS very proud of you for what you have done, and what I KNOW you have the potental of doing!
LRus49: You know, if God will let me, I'll stay close to you after I die and be your guardian angel. Maybe I'll be able to sneak you a sign every once in a while to let you know that i'm there looking out for you!
LRus49: You concentrate on your school for now. I'll keep you posted. I'm planning on beating this again and again and again. I've done it so far!
I'm trying desperately to accept things that are beyond my control and learn to cope with impending tragedy, for when and where it will strike. And optimistically, if ever. It's beyond devastating, and I feel like none of our family should have had to deal with something like this. Ever. But amongst my shattered self I find that occasionally I almost feel on the verge of reaching a different level; and I need it if I ever would hope to get up on my feet again. I've felt so lost recently, random things are just messing with my head; lack of permanence is likely to blame. When you start to question the very things you construct your thoughts around, the possibility that it could all end tomorrow. So you must excuse me if I haven't been my normal self. Well, my mom wrote me an email last week: "I sent you something I wrote today which I hope you will take to heart, as to what your role is in the situation that now affects us all. And, if you can, with your superior mind, separate reality and what, recognizing that reality, is most desirable to this family, from your heartbrokeness, you will, I think, see that I'm right. Did you read John Gunther, Sr.'s DEATH BE NOT PROUD? But your Dad is still up and about, a morfiend--which has improved his spirits, I see. You, Luke, were always fast with Dad--he had infinitely more patience with you than I did. I did the caretaking, primarily, and he the entertaining. And you were a Primo Sponge--I would often wonder from day to day--where did he learn that? I tested you with a non-verbal IQ test--until you started being uncooperative--and 152 was scored. Not that that is so now, necessarily, but you are no slouch, that's for certain. You can best go on as you have, and make us proud. And we are not, NO WAY, NO HOW, giving up. Not allowed."
It made me feel better. Anyway, thanks to daylight savings time for an extra hour of sleep.
And Happy Halloween, everyone.