Fuck All Y'All - and Fuck Me Too. Why the Hell Not?
Once again I take to the blogosphere when I am unhappy and can find no one who will listen to my woes. Thank you, Interwebosphere, for giving me the illusion of participation in the world.
First of all, apparently I'm still a 12-year old girl, because every time the two other gals in my office do something together without me (which is happening with increasing frequency) I get green with envy and sad at being left out. Even though they have tons more in common (being closer to the same age and not fucking ancient as the Crypt Keeper) and like the same shows, pretty much all of which I don't watch - Downton Abbey (too soapy), Walking Dead (too much despair-porn), Game of Thrones (despair-porn + sexploitation), Mr. Selfridge (too soapy). Etc. etc. Apparently I am the boring, humorless curmudgeon that puts a damper on everything. Then we add to that the fact that I don't have a car up here, I am the boring, humorless curmudgeon who is always cadging rides but can't reciprocate. FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!!! I fucking graduated from high school over twenty fucking years ago, why do I still feel like this????
Ok, second of all, did I mention I don't have a FUCKING CAR????? Jesus Christ. How much of a failure do I have to be to be 40+ years old and I can't even afford a goddamned car? Because it's not just the price of the car. If someone freaking Car Fairy were to pop up right now and *blammo* give me a free car, I could not afford to register and insure it. I always knew my mental health was somewhat tied to my ability to hop in my car and get the hell out of Dodge to clear my head, but it is being driven (pardon the pun) home to me more and more every single fucking day I'm stuck here tied to public transportation and the generosity of friends (which is dwindling considerably now that I am the boring, humorless buzzkill of the office (see Point 1).
Third, I suck at my job. Again. I was hoping, after the eternal fail of pre-grad school high stress job, I would move into a field that I loved and studied and graduated in, and all would be good. But I suck. I am terrible at contacting people about research questions, I am terrible at following up with people who are supposed to be helping me answer research questions, and I can never be satisfied with not having an answer, so instead of actually finishing a project (and settling for putting in what we know to date), I keep researching even though I don't have time for it and do it so fantastically badly. It does not help that now that I am out of school, I can no longer access JSTOR, so my most important research asset has been cut off like a gangrenous limb.
Fourth, nothing makes me happy any more. I always used to joke with my friend that we were just sitting around waiting to die, and it feels like that even moreso these days. I have a temporary job, which I suck at, and no guarantee I'll have it next year, no qualifications to be competitive in my field if I do have to find another job soon, and no outside interests beyond fandom, which hasn't been stimulating my mind much lately either. This is the first time I've felt up to even writing down my wussy diatribe in a stupid blog, let alone creating an interesting narrative for the consumption of others, in months. It's like the spark has gone out of any endeavor I contemplate. No doubt related to my defeatist tendencies which lead me to predict failure before I even start. [Can I take a moment to express a pet peeve here, that the past tense of the verb "to lead" is actually "led" - why can no one get that right anymore?? Major news agencies are fucking it up. WTF?? -- See? Curmudgeon.]
On the plus side...um, I'm sure there are some things in there somewhere... Well, I must confess, that on my birthday a couple months back, my three friends here (who I am convinced now all hate me - see Point 1) all got together and each wrote a fanfic for me!!! It was pretty fucking awesome, I must say. Two of them had never written a fic in their lives, so I feel like I have seduced them to the dark side, and they were all GREAT!!!! One wrote an NCIS fic, one a Big Valley (in which the bad guys were the Blake Shelton Gang and the Swon Brothers, for those of you who watched this past season of the Voice), and one made essentially an RPF fanfic of an event that happened at work, making us all way more badass than we are and including as the villain Donald Pleasance (due to my love of MTS3K's Puma Man). So that was wicked fun (as they say where I'm from).
And I did have a nice vacation at the beginning of July - caught up with real family and almost family alike, even though the latter gathering involved a memorial service for a recently lost member. But still, so great to see people who've known me my whole life. It is strangely comforting and shed a little light on the difficulties of starting over again in a new city with no family of my own at this age. I think part of my unhappiness here is not really being in a position to put down roots, since I don't know if I can stay, so my holding pattern life of grad school is carrying forward here, without the support of being surrounded by people with the same interests who are also in an existential holding pattern.
And..... that's pretty much all I can think of at the moment. Oh, and I saw 20 Feet from Stardom last weekend and it was great!!!! And maybe that's what finally gave me the impetus to write something again, even if it's a cranky blog post.
Tired of being angry. Tired of hating myself. Tired of being ignored. Tired of failing. But not so tired that I get off my ass and succeed. I think you need brain cells for that and mine are pretty much all gone. I used to think I was so smart. Now I'm lucky if I even complete a thought at all.
Oh, but a new season of Ink Masters started, so YAY!
And also, "Song to a Seagull" by Joni Mitchell?? Fucking Amazeballs. Why have I never heard this song before??? 1968, people!! "Cactus Tree" is also pretty damn incredible. Thank you Radio Paradise for bringing these songs into my life. :)
First of all, apparently I'm still a 12-year old girl, because every time the two other gals in my office do something together without me (which is happening with increasing frequency) I get green with envy and sad at being left out. Even though they have tons more in common (being closer to the same age and not fucking ancient as the Crypt Keeper) and like the same shows, pretty much all of which I don't watch - Downton Abbey (too soapy), Walking Dead (too much despair-porn), Game of Thrones (despair-porn + sexploitation), Mr. Selfridge (too soapy). Etc. etc. Apparently I am the boring, humorless curmudgeon that puts a damper on everything. Then we add to that the fact that I don't have a car up here, I am the boring, humorless curmudgeon who is always cadging rides but can't reciprocate. FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!!! I fucking graduated from high school over twenty fucking years ago, why do I still feel like this????
Ok, second of all, did I mention I don't have a FUCKING CAR????? Jesus Christ. How much of a failure do I have to be to be 40+ years old and I can't even afford a goddamned car? Because it's not just the price of the car. If someone freaking Car Fairy were to pop up right now and *blammo* give me a free car, I could not afford to register and insure it. I always knew my mental health was somewhat tied to my ability to hop in my car and get the hell out of Dodge to clear my head, but it is being driven (pardon the pun) home to me more and more every single fucking day I'm stuck here tied to public transportation and the generosity of friends (which is dwindling considerably now that I am the boring, humorless buzzkill of the office (see Point 1).
Third, I suck at my job. Again. I was hoping, after the eternal fail of pre-grad school high stress job, I would move into a field that I loved and studied and graduated in, and all would be good. But I suck. I am terrible at contacting people about research questions, I am terrible at following up with people who are supposed to be helping me answer research questions, and I can never be satisfied with not having an answer, so instead of actually finishing a project (and settling for putting in what we know to date), I keep researching even though I don't have time for it and do it so fantastically badly. It does not help that now that I am out of school, I can no longer access JSTOR, so my most important research asset has been cut off like a gangrenous limb.
Fourth, nothing makes me happy any more. I always used to joke with my friend that we were just sitting around waiting to die, and it feels like that even moreso these days. I have a temporary job, which I suck at, and no guarantee I'll have it next year, no qualifications to be competitive in my field if I do have to find another job soon, and no outside interests beyond fandom, which hasn't been stimulating my mind much lately either. This is the first time I've felt up to even writing down my wussy diatribe in a stupid blog, let alone creating an interesting narrative for the consumption of others, in months. It's like the spark has gone out of any endeavor I contemplate. No doubt related to my defeatist tendencies which lead me to predict failure before I even start. [Can I take a moment to express a pet peeve here, that the past tense of the verb "to lead" is actually "led" - why can no one get that right anymore?? Major news agencies are fucking it up. WTF?? -- See? Curmudgeon.]
On the plus side...um, I'm sure there are some things in there somewhere... Well, I must confess, that on my birthday a couple months back, my three friends here (who I am convinced now all hate me - see Point 1) all got together and each wrote a fanfic for me!!! It was pretty fucking awesome, I must say. Two of them had never written a fic in their lives, so I feel like I have seduced them to the dark side, and they were all GREAT!!!! One wrote an NCIS fic, one a Big Valley (in which the bad guys were the Blake Shelton Gang and the Swon Brothers, for those of you who watched this past season of the Voice), and one made essentially an RPF fanfic of an event that happened at work, making us all way more badass than we are and including as the villain Donald Pleasance (due to my love of MTS3K's Puma Man). So that was wicked fun (as they say where I'm from).
And I did have a nice vacation at the beginning of July - caught up with real family and almost family alike, even though the latter gathering involved a memorial service for a recently lost member. But still, so great to see people who've known me my whole life. It is strangely comforting and shed a little light on the difficulties of starting over again in a new city with no family of my own at this age. I think part of my unhappiness here is not really being in a position to put down roots, since I don't know if I can stay, so my holding pattern life of grad school is carrying forward here, without the support of being surrounded by people with the same interests who are also in an existential holding pattern.
And..... that's pretty much all I can think of at the moment. Oh, and I saw 20 Feet from Stardom last weekend and it was great!!!! And maybe that's what finally gave me the impetus to write something again, even if it's a cranky blog post.
Tired of being angry. Tired of hating myself. Tired of being ignored. Tired of failing. But not so tired that I get off my ass and succeed. I think you need brain cells for that and mine are pretty much all gone. I used to think I was so smart. Now I'm lucky if I even complete a thought at all.
Oh, but a new season of Ink Masters started, so YAY!
And also, "Song to a Seagull" by Joni Mitchell?? Fucking Amazeballs. Why have I never heard this song before??? 1968, people!! "Cactus Tree" is also pretty damn incredible. Thank you Radio Paradise for bringing these songs into my life. :)