Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
So, I think I'm going to break up with Yuletide. I was going to say fandom, but I'm not ready to go that far...yet. But I think we need some time to see other people and really think about where this relationship is going.
So I knocked myself out this Xmas trying to get through writer's block and do research and write in period voice and all that crap and I was reasonably satisfied with the result. But no one else did. My recipient sent a very nice comment with some thoughtful analysis, but she never actually said that she liked it, which I found surprisingly painful. I never felt much of a bond with this recip because she never left a letter, just an unfulfilled placeholder, so I don't think I really got her vibe. But also someone wrote a story for me that very similar to the one I wrote, making me see what bunch of tropes I had included and how I'm pretty much a formulaic hack. Not a pleasant revelation.
On top of that it was hard to come to terms with the fact that the only fandom I've been excited about in the last few years is skewing incredibly, incredibly het. I am used to being into a pairing that is not the majority m/m OTP, but there is pretty much no slash pairing with any traction in this fandom (Sleepy Hollow). Which made me realize what a freak random outlier I am, because I tend to bond with one character and then enjoy pairing him with various, usually male, partners depending on my mood and opportunity. I enjoyed playing with how different partners had different dynamics. This is not a popular way to fan. It was never a problem with Gundam Wing, because I had no issues pairing Trowa with Quatre (his most popular slash partner) since they had a lot of chemistry and lots of canon bonding, but there were still folks out there willing to brave a Trowa/Heero story or even Trowa/Une now and then. Then there was NCIS - what a disaster that was. Talk about a fandom that felt like it was being controlled by the junior high girl mafia. Basically Tony was God, and could do no wrong, so if you wanted to slash, you could only do so if Tony was the Center of the Universe and everyone else bowed down to his awesomeness. Which was sometimes compatible with the goals of a Jethro fan, and sometimes not at all. So that was an unpleasant experience.
And now Sleepy Hollow is here and full of hot Ichabod and it feels like it is full also of mainstream, vanilla, het people. I guess it is the inevitable result of mainstreaming of fandom that has been going on lately. (I blame you, Harry Potter!) And of course the traditional channels for distribution and fan interaction have dried up. Alas, LJ, I weep for your decline. Supposedly fandom is vibrant on tumblr, but when I finally broke down and tried to sign up and explore, it told me it couldn't sign me up and to try again later. I considered this A Sign that it was not for me. So, my access to fandom is currently restricted to AO3, which is not exactly a dynamic hotbed of fan communication. It is a great archive with lots of great statistics about how much less popular your story is than all of these others that conform better to peoples' expectations. Well, and all those others that are just plain awesome. Because there are lots of those and they are deservedly popular. And it seems to me people are commenting less, particularly as they have more to consume and just take it for granted there will always be more to read. There is less of a personal connection between writer and reader; it feels more like consumer and content now, with writers relegated to anonymous "content provider." People leave anonymous kudos or share a link but make no comments. There is very little feedback. I fear I am just as guilty of this as anyone else, because the kudos button is so easy, and I reserve comments for stories that really, really stand out in some way. But for Yuletide I tried to leave a comment on every story I read, because it's a lot of work to do YT and I appreciate everyone's efforts. Granted I didn't get as many read as I would have liked, so I don't feel like I fully pulled my own weight this year.
Oh well. Basically, my point I guess is that this year's yuletide left me feeling marginalized and crappy, and that's no way to feel at Christmas, so I'm done. Now I'd just like to focus on writing things that I want to read for my own enjoyment, which is pretty much why I started to write in the first place. Then I got seduced by the giddy high of positive feedback and it's really hard to shake that addiction. I recently read Georgette Heyer's Sylvester and there was a line in there about how lonely life was without someone to laugh with. I had that with GW fandom, and have not found it again. I guess to me that will always be the Golden Age of fandom, a small Camelot gone and lost forever. Stupid world and its changiness.
There is no doubt all this mopiness is related to my general unhappiness with my own life. I am not doing well at making new friends in the new city. I am always tired. I am working at least, but not earning enough to get me out of my crushing debt before I'm well into my 50s - assuming I can stay employed that long. Nothing makes me happy. All my colleagues are a good ten years younger than me and at very different places in their lives. I have no interest in Downton Abbey. I can't afford a car or a place of my own. My roommate comes into my room whenever she feels like it since it's her place and her dog hangs out in there all the time. I hate it. I want my own fucking space that is nobody else's. The only places I can afford are across the river in robbery central. It may be worth it, if sanity is my reward for being mugged. I am now making the same as my 25 year old co-worker who has no masters degree and only a few years work experience. Nothing like feeling worthless at my job. I have no motivation. I'm angry a lot. I don't know what to do to make it better. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I'm tired of being a passive listener with nothing to contribute. I'm tired of being a spineless wussball. I dread the day my parents will no longer be here for me. I want a personality transplant. Or at least a vacation from myself.
So, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's about it for now. Sorry for yet another self-indulgent whingefest. But in my day, that was what the internet was for.
So I knocked myself out this Xmas trying to get through writer's block and do research and write in period voice and all that crap and I was reasonably satisfied with the result. But no one else did. My recipient sent a very nice comment with some thoughtful analysis, but she never actually said that she liked it, which I found surprisingly painful. I never felt much of a bond with this recip because she never left a letter, just an unfulfilled placeholder, so I don't think I really got her vibe. But also someone wrote a story for me that very similar to the one I wrote, making me see what bunch of tropes I had included and how I'm pretty much a formulaic hack. Not a pleasant revelation.
On top of that it was hard to come to terms with the fact that the only fandom I've been excited about in the last few years is skewing incredibly, incredibly het. I am used to being into a pairing that is not the majority m/m OTP, but there is pretty much no slash pairing with any traction in this fandom (Sleepy Hollow). Which made me realize what a freak random outlier I am, because I tend to bond with one character and then enjoy pairing him with various, usually male, partners depending on my mood and opportunity. I enjoyed playing with how different partners had different dynamics. This is not a popular way to fan. It was never a problem with Gundam Wing, because I had no issues pairing Trowa with Quatre (his most popular slash partner) since they had a lot of chemistry and lots of canon bonding, but there were still folks out there willing to brave a Trowa/Heero story or even Trowa/Une now and then. Then there was NCIS - what a disaster that was. Talk about a fandom that felt like it was being controlled by the junior high girl mafia. Basically Tony was God, and could do no wrong, so if you wanted to slash, you could only do so if Tony was the Center of the Universe and everyone else bowed down to his awesomeness. Which was sometimes compatible with the goals of a Jethro fan, and sometimes not at all. So that was an unpleasant experience.
And now Sleepy Hollow is here and full of hot Ichabod and it feels like it is full also of mainstream, vanilla, het people. I guess it is the inevitable result of mainstreaming of fandom that has been going on lately. (I blame you, Harry Potter!) And of course the traditional channels for distribution and fan interaction have dried up. Alas, LJ, I weep for your decline. Supposedly fandom is vibrant on tumblr, but when I finally broke down and tried to sign up and explore, it told me it couldn't sign me up and to try again later. I considered this A Sign that it was not for me. So, my access to fandom is currently restricted to AO3, which is not exactly a dynamic hotbed of fan communication. It is a great archive with lots of great statistics about how much less popular your story is than all of these others that conform better to peoples' expectations. Well, and all those others that are just plain awesome. Because there are lots of those and they are deservedly popular. And it seems to me people are commenting less, particularly as they have more to consume and just take it for granted there will always be more to read. There is less of a personal connection between writer and reader; it feels more like consumer and content now, with writers relegated to anonymous "content provider." People leave anonymous kudos or share a link but make no comments. There is very little feedback. I fear I am just as guilty of this as anyone else, because the kudos button is so easy, and I reserve comments for stories that really, really stand out in some way. But for Yuletide I tried to leave a comment on every story I read, because it's a lot of work to do YT and I appreciate everyone's efforts. Granted I didn't get as many read as I would have liked, so I don't feel like I fully pulled my own weight this year.
Oh well. Basically, my point I guess is that this year's yuletide left me feeling marginalized and crappy, and that's no way to feel at Christmas, so I'm done. Now I'd just like to focus on writing things that I want to read for my own enjoyment, which is pretty much why I started to write in the first place. Then I got seduced by the giddy high of positive feedback and it's really hard to shake that addiction. I recently read Georgette Heyer's Sylvester and there was a line in there about how lonely life was without someone to laugh with. I had that with GW fandom, and have not found it again. I guess to me that will always be the Golden Age of fandom, a small Camelot gone and lost forever. Stupid world and its changiness.
There is no doubt all this mopiness is related to my general unhappiness with my own life. I am not doing well at making new friends in the new city. I am always tired. I am working at least, but not earning enough to get me out of my crushing debt before I'm well into my 50s - assuming I can stay employed that long. Nothing makes me happy. All my colleagues are a good ten years younger than me and at very different places in their lives. I have no interest in Downton Abbey. I can't afford a car or a place of my own. My roommate comes into my room whenever she feels like it since it's her place and her dog hangs out in there all the time. I hate it. I want my own fucking space that is nobody else's. The only places I can afford are across the river in robbery central. It may be worth it, if sanity is my reward for being mugged. I am now making the same as my 25 year old co-worker who has no masters degree and only a few years work experience. Nothing like feeling worthless at my job. I have no motivation. I'm angry a lot. I don't know what to do to make it better. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I'm tired of being a passive listener with nothing to contribute. I'm tired of being a spineless wussball. I dread the day my parents will no longer be here for me. I want a personality transplant. Or at least a vacation from myself.
So, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's about it for now. Sorry for yet another self-indulgent whingefest. But in my day, that was what the internet was for.