This will break your heart.
We all know that I've been inevitably inactive these past few months, and I've been really busy with RL due to the fact that I'm entering college in a matter of days.
It can't be helped, really.
It's hard to say goodbye, I know. Especially to something or in this case, a number of things and a number of people whom have been your main source of happiness for a large period of time. Sad to say, sometimes, you just have to make good use of the goodbye, and turn it to something even better.
You have to. For all it was worth.
The fandom has changed a multiple number of aspects in my life. It's brought me joy, excitement and not to mention made me feel the warmth of every single bit of love and being loved back.
However, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies. In the end, I just knew I'd wake up to something I've been dreading ever since I decided to pour all my feelings onto this certain boy band I promised to love forever.
But every long-term relationship has its bad side, and every heart has its limits.
Although I've known them for almost 3 years, and I've been in love with them ever since, I think it's time I stop denying, and wake up to the harsh truth that I just don't feel the same anymore. Every PV I watch, and every new release I come to know of just doesn't make me feel giddy now. And the fire that was once burning in me whenever I hear, see and watch them do their thing, just doesn't even spark a single flame anymore.
I've fallen out of love, and the worst part is, I've lost the will to fall back.
Trying hard to gain all of the emotions I had lost, I pushed myself into reading this blog of mine to try and get some of the sweetness of past feelings. This blog was bombarded with fanfiction ( both finished, and unfinished) and rants about how great they were and how much I was really into them.
I'm happy for them, really. They've been on a roll ever since the year started. The singles are out, new album, Asian Tour and a number of new dramas piled up ready for 2012.
They have come so far, and I will always be proud of them.
Maybe someday I'd regret leaving them, but not as soon. There wasn't a day where I felt remorse for spending my every penny just for them and myself to be happy. There is absolutely no reason for me to be bitter to the ones who once made me feel like I was on top of the world. I'm keeping all of the memories to prove to anyone that I did make time, and I did exert big effort just to see them, and to hear them, and even to spend a ton just to actually speak to one of them.
Now, some of you might probably be asking, "why is this bitch leaving the fandom?"
Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure either.
You know those times when you start to realize that it stopped being about you and him? And the love is starting to revolve around everything else that's surrounding your relationship?
It's as bad as a real break-up could be.
I'm not going to point anymore fingers to other fans who sometimes seem to me as if to be the reason why I'm leaving the fandom. It's unfair to know that lately I've been mentally insulting the band, and I've been comparing them to other groups myself, so if the other fans are horrible, what reason do I have to be a mere hypocrite? Won't that make me the worst?
Basically, it's entirely my fault, and even I can't blame myself for being human. We fall in love, and we fall out of love. All the better things happen in between "I love you"s and "goodbye"s.
I need to move on, and I need to give up. I need to be strong, because I know life will bring better things to me.
Thank you for everything, Yabu, Takaki, Inoo, Hikaru, Daiki, Keito, Yamada, Chinen, Yuto, and Ryutaro. You will always have this special place in my heart. (And apparently also on my wall.)
I'm sorry Hey! Say! JUMP. I'm sorry friends. I hope to stay friends despite the fact that I am not a fan anymore. Now I know what the phrase "it's not you, it's me" really means.
As quoted from my best friend Myca's tweet,
"I lied when I said I'd love you forever. Sorry, sorry."