The Love That Remains - Chapter 5/22

[lullysg]

Jared has been back from the camp for months now, and the thoughts of Jack along with hormones that are starting to appear are driving him crazy. He feels awful for the way he feels, and he feels even more terrible for having to hide it all inside him.

Now he knows for sure he likes boys, well, he likes a boy. He knows it’s far from normal, that he should be thinking about girls that way, but he doesn’t. Jared knows he needs to talk to someone about it, so after a lot of time spent gathering courage and rehearsing what he should say, Jared goes to his mother. Jared’s dad is still at work and he won’t be back for a while, and he finds his mom at the couch reading a book, so he sits at the other end.

“Hey mom, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Sherri eyes him for a moment and puts the book away.

“Sure baby, what’s up?”

Jared takes his time trying to find the right way to say it, apparently all the words decided to leave his brain at this very moment. Looking down Jared starts pulling a thread from his jeans, winding it round his finger, and clears his throat.

“Mom, the thing is… I--I met a boy, and he’s very special, and… and I think I like him, mom. I like a boy.”

Jared can feel himself blushing, still not brave enough to meet his mom’s gaze. She sits straight on the couch and grabs his arm.

“What did you say, Jared?? You’re telling me you like a boy? Is that it?? Please tell me this is a joke.”

Jared’s eyes go impossibly wide at his mother’s reaction and he can’t find his voice to answer her.

“Mom--I… don’t...”

But Sherri holds up a hand, shutting him up.

“Jared, please. This can’t be. Where did you even meet this… boy? Was it at school? I thought that was a good school, but now…”

“No mom! It wasn’t at school, it was at the camp.” Since Jared started, he knows he needs to go all the way.

His mom gasps. “At the camp?? I knew it. I knew I should have sent you to a church camp but no, I read in a magazine that this camp was good, so I was fooled. Do the directors know this stuff happens there?”

“No, mom! Please, nothing happened there, I promise!”

Sherri narrows her eyes at him and studies him for a second.

“Now you listen to me, Jared Tristan. You are not going back to that camp, you hear me? And whatever you think you’re feeling, it’s not right. The Bible says that a man can only love a woman. Everything else is a sin, a big sin. You should never feel this way about another boy, ever, do you understand me? God does not approve this, and I’m sure you don’t want to be a sinner. It’s a phase and you’ll be over it in no time, and when you’re a bit older you’ll even feel ashamed of yourself for even thinking this at all. Someday you’ll meet a nice girl to marry, to have kids with, and this will all have been a lot of nonsense, okay? So, I don’t want you to say these things ever again, and don’t even think about going to your father with this, he would be very disappointed with you. Now, go back upstairs and please let’s just pretend we didn’t have this conversation.”

Sherri grabs her book again and resumes her reading, leaving Jared staring agape at her. When he starts to feel tears prickling behind his eyes, he storms out of the living room and locks himself in his room.

Jared curls into small ball under the covers, he feels dirty and wrong, so wrong he can’t stand it. His last hope had been that his mother would understand, that she would assure him that it was actually okay to feel that way, but now he knows for sure that it isn’t. Jared is a sinner for having those thoughts, God must really hate him, that’s why Jack wasn’t at the camp, so Jared would learn.

Jared doesn’t sleep that night. He knows he’s gonna dream about Jack if he does, and he doesn’t want to. He wishes there was a way to scrub Jack off him, to erase all his traces from Jared’s mind, to forget Jack ever existed.

Finally, Jared sighs heavily, he realizes that even if such thing existed, he could never do it. Even if it hurts more than anything that he has ever felt, he can’t forget Jack. The absence of Jack has become a part of him, he has missed Jack every minute of everyday ever since he left the camp, and by now he can’t remember what’s like not to miss him. Sometimes it feels like a physical pain, burning his insides and leaving him breathless. But Jared could never erase him. Even though Jared knows it’s wrong, he doesn’t regret anything. If he had the option to go back, he’d still go to the camp to meet him. Jack is his happy place.

The feelings still confuse Jared, there are a lot of things he’s too young to understand, but he decides something then and there, he will keep Jack to himself. He has never told anyone about him until today, and to say it didn’t come out the way he planned is the understatement of the year. Jared decides Jack will be his most important secret, along with everything he feels for the other boy. Nobody could ever understand anyway.

He’s to be like every other good boy, he’s supposed to like girls, meet a special one someday to get married and live his life with, and he will do just that. Nobody needs to know that there’s a boy named Jack that came into Jared’s life and changed everything. Jared will hide Jack deep in his heart, a place nobody can ever reach, his biggest secret. Jared will keep Jack in his dreams and there he will stay. Because that’s what Jack is anyway, a beautiful dream that ended too soon, but it’s permanently etched into his mind.

Jared is going to be what he is supposed to be, but he is gonna carry Jack with him.

January 20th, 1996

“Here’s the deepest secret nobody knows
I carry your heart
Anywhere I go, you go.”



Neither Jared nor Chad go back to the camp that year. Jared just can’t do it, he already knew that, even if his mom hadn’t forbidden him. He had told Chad he wasn’t coming back months earlier, and his friend decided to stay home as well since, in Chad’s words, ‘it’s gonna royally suck without you there, man’.

Chad did ask why he wasn’t going back, and Jared tried to come up with a excuse that wasn’t too lame, telling him that his parents wanted to save money, and he hoped Chad would buy it.

July 2nd, 1996

I’m not at the camp this year and it feels weird. I can’t help but wonder if Jack is there this time. If he already has a new team, if they won the first activity. If he will be singing at the bonfire, getting a lot of notes from secret admirers.

I wonder if he’s gonna watch the sunset and tell somebody else a secret. It kills me that I won’t know any of it, if he’s there or not, but I could never face that place again without him. It’s for the best.



Jared’s first kiss is a nightmare. He’s 14 years old and he knows it’s probably time for his first kiss. So when Chad comes to him to tell the girl he has kissed a few times after school has a friend who asked about Jared, he asks Chad to introduce them.

The girl is cute, her name is Chloe and she’s cool, a year older than Jared with blond hair and light brown eyes. The four of them walk home from school together, and when they reach a corner, Chad grabs his own girl’s hand and starts walking towards an alley, leaving the two of them alone and raising an eyebrow at Jared.

Jared‘s cheeks couldn’t possibly be more red, he has no clue what to do, he can’t even look at the girl’s face.

In the end, Jared finds himself pressed up against the side of a building, the girl’s tongue inside his mouth, Jared closes his eyes tightly, he tries to go with it but her body pressed against his makes him uncomfortable. When his nose picks up her scent, Jared feels nauseated. He just wants it to stop, he wants to go home, he hates every second of it. He knows he should be enjoying it, it’s his first kiss with a pretty girl, but Jared is feeling the total opposite of it. It feels like torture, and he just wants it to go away.

Jared walks her home because his mom taught him to be nice, so he couldn’t just leave her there. But when she gives him a peck on his lips before going inside, Jared tries really hard not to show the disgust in his face. Once Chloe closes the door, Jared practically runs to his own house, closing himself in the bathroom and losing the contents of his lunch. It was horrible, but Jared tells himself he will get used to it.

He locks himself in his room and finds his box inside his closet, taking out Jack’s shirt. He buries himself in his scent, finally feeling like home, imagining what it would feel like to kiss him instead, to feel those lips against his.

Jared’s gonna learn how to be what he’s expected to be. But this, nobody can take away from him, and he smiles at that thought.



Jeff has moved out to go to college, and even though Jared will miss his brother, he can’t help but think that it’s one less person he has to put on an act to. He honestly can’t wait to get away himself, hiding who you are can be exhausting.. Not that he plans to admit his feelings in the future but he has already decided that one day he will be what he is supposed to be, and he knows he will have to escape his house and family someday.

Jared enters his brother’s old room, chewing his lip as he looks around to see what his brother has left behind. When he finally gets the closet open he finds Jeff’s old guitar, partially hidden beneath some clothes. Jared thinks for a second, but he decides that if Jeff left the guitar here, he didn’t want it anyway. So he grabs it and takes to his room with him. He closes the door quietly and sits on the bed with the guitar on his lap blowing the layer of dust off of it. He grabs a t-shirt that’s lying on his bed and cleans the rest of the instrument as best as he can. Jared has always loved guitars, especially after hearing Jack play one.

Jared tentatively runs his fingers through the strings, but they make an horrible sound. Jared knows enough to recognize it’s tuneless, other than the obvious fact that he doesn’t know how to play. But suddenly, he wants to. He doesn’t even know where this sudden need comes from, but right now, Jared really wants to learn how to play it. Sometimes songs can say a lot more than words.

He knows better than to ask his parents to pay for lessons, they will more likely than not find someone from the church and he will be taught how to play hymns and he so doesn’t want that.

So Jared pays a visit to the newsstand, and uses his allowance on all the magazines with guitar lessons he can find. He even manages to find a tape with video lessons for beginners.

He then spends his free time in his room trying to learn the chords, going through the magazines, watching the guy on the video and learning how to tune the guitar, and to use his fingers the right way to create the melodies.

The first song he plays on his guitar, he finds in one of the magazines. When he reads the chorus, he knows he needs to play it. It has to be his first one, and of course it’s gonna be for him. He tests the chords a few times until he gets all the chorus right, and he only sings it when he nails it. He can do it only once, he starts of a bit croaky but his voice gains strength and he goes on until his voice breaks at the end.

Before going to bed that night, he writes the chorus on his notebook.

May 22nd, 1997

"Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Everytime I pray
I'll be missing you

Thinking of the day
When you went away
What a life to take
What a bond to break
I'll be missing you"

It’s the first of many songs Jared sings for Jack.



Jared sits on his bed, with his longs legs stretched out in front, flipping through a magazine, when he finds a quote that gets his attention. He looks behind him, at the dreamcatcher hanging above his bed, that has been there for so long and has given him dreams about Jack every single night since he met him. He grabs his notebook and writes the quote on the inside cover.

“Some say every night is a night of dreams.
Others assure us that not all nights are of dreams, only summer nights.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter.
What is important is not the night itself but the dreams.
Dreams that one can always dream, everywhere, in all seasons, asleep or awake.”



It’s late at night and Jared can’t sleep. He has been having different thoughts about Jack lately, and it freaks him out. His body is responding more, and Jared can’t help but feel more of a sinner than he already is.

But his desire overpowers any guilt he is feeling at that moment, memories of Jack climbing out of the pool, playing soccer with drops of sweat running down his neck, his cheeks flushed and intense dark eyes, are too strong and he can’t think straight. Jared finds Jack’s jersey, the one he has held tight during so many sleepless nights, when the gap left by Jack is too huge for him to bear. Jared buries his face in it’s thick folds and swears he can still smell Jack, even after all this time. Maybe it’s his brain playing a trick on him, since he has long ago memorized Jack’s scent, but he doesn’t care. He grabs their picture from inside his notebook, and the sight of Jack’s handsome face along with his scent is too much for Jared.

He half lies on the bed, propped up on a couple of pillows, jersey thrown across his chest and picture in hand, and his brain just shuts off. Jared can only feel his cock throbbing inside his boxers, and he instinctively presses his hand down on it, trying to make it stop, but it just makes it worse. Sweat starts trickling down from his tousled hair and travels down his chest, his little pink nipples standing at attention. With images of Jack flashing in his mind he reaches inside his boxers and pulls his hard dick out. Jared tentatively strokes it a few times, he holds his breath and bites his lower lip because damn that feels good.

Jared starts jerking his dick harder, his eyes shut tight, the picture he’s holding etched in his mind. He feels something building up inside of him, and he pants while his lips chant Jack’s name over and over. His body feels the urgent need to release and so he lets go, his orgasm hitting him like a shock running through his body as he comes, spurting long streaks on his belly, Jack’s name still on his lips like a prayer, picture clutched tight in his fist, his spent cock twitching slightly.

Jared slowly comes out of his haze, breath slowing down, and as his brain starts to function again, he starts to panic. He just touched himself while thinking of Jack, and if he already felt wrong before, he can’t even begin to process what he is right now. He knows he just committed a huge sin, the worst kind, and he feels dirty. He quickly tucks his limp dick inside his boxers again and gets up from the bed, throwing Jack’s jersey across the room and the crumbled picture inside the last drawer of his nightstand.

Jared doesn’t even bother finding something to clean up with, instead he runs to the bathroom and gets under the shower without even waiting for the water to warm up. He scrubs himself clean as hard as he can, until his skin is pink and aching, and he knows the wetness on his face is not only water from the shower.

Going back to his room, Jared only bothers to put on new boxers and lies down again on his bed and buries his face in his pillow, little tufts of hair sticking out. He shudders, his mom would kill him if she knew he was getting the pillow all wet.

Well, if she knew what I just did, a wet pillow would be the least of her concerns, Jared thinks, a humorless laugh escaping his lips.

Jared has never hated Jack so much as he does now, for existing, for entering Jared’s life when it was all fine, messing with his head, changing everything he knew and making Jared feel something he should never feel. He hates Jack with all his heart for throwing Jared’s life into a loop, he hates him because he’s out there somewhere living his own damn life completely unaware of the mayhem he has caused to Jared’s. He hates Jack for being so nice, for watching the stars and the sunset with him and for telling his secret, for signing his booklet and giving him a tight hug, for holding his hand before Jared left. For giving him hope when there was none.

Tears burn behind his eyelids and Jared brushes them away angrily, he hates Jack for being in every damn dream he has had so far, he hates Jack because his face never leaves his mind, not even for a second, he hates Jack because he thinks about him every minute of everyday and he can’t help it. He hates Jack for not going back.

He hates Jack because all Jared knows how to feel in his life, is missing him. It’s something that is carved in his insides, almost something physical, an emptiness that Jared doesn’t know how to fill, something he knows by heart now that is wrong, but it’s the only thing he knows how to feel. He is so alone. No one to talk to about any of it.

November 18th, 1997

The thing I hate the most is that I could never hate you, not even for a second.

I wish I could hate you.



Jared barely gets any sleep that night, and when he walks unsteadily into school the next morning, his feet feel two sizes too big, he’s exhausted, emotionally and physically. When Chad asks, Jared lies that he must be coming down with the flu or something. The redness around his eyes helps to back up his story.

Jared’s walking back home when his heart almost stops, he remembers the discarded jersey on the floor. He panics when he remembers what his mom does with the dirty clothes that he leaves lying around.

By the time he gets home and runs up the stairs and into his room, he knows it’s already too late. The jersey isn’t there anymore, he runs downstairs again and goes after his mom, who confirms that yes, she washed the discarded jersey. Jared’s heart starts beating faster, panic rising inside him, his mom washed Jack’s shirt, she washed his scent away.

Jared thinks she asks who the jersey belongs to, he tries not to show his distress so she won’t be suspicious, and he mumbles that he got it by accident after gym class from another boy at the changing rooms. Sherri hands him the now clean and neatly folded jersey and Jared goes back to his room. When he dares to bring it close to his face, he can only smell fabric softener, no trace of Jack’s scent. Tears escape his eyes, he has just lost one of the only connections with Jack he had and all because of his act from yesterday.

He sits down on the bed, clutching the jersey to his slight chest, it doesn’t smell like Jack anymore and he feels so lost.

November 19th, 1997

The jersey doesn’t have your scent anymore, it’s all gone and I don’t know what to do.
It feels like I just lost another piece of you and the pain is just too much.



Jared becomes the best liar ever. He learns how to pretend to be what people expect him to be. He learns how to keep his feelings to himself, locked inside, somewhere nobody else can reach.

On the outside, he tries to be the perfect straight boy he should be. He learns how to kiss girls without feeling sick. He just tries not to feel anything and pictures Jack’s beautiful face. When he’s kissing a girl, he goes to his happy place and thinks about a boy with blue hair.

He always finds an excuse to dismiss the girls he gets involved with. He doesn’t want to be an asshole, but he can’t let things go any further. Jared is 17 years old, growing taller, stronger, looking more like a man and he should be thinking about taking that next step with a girl (Chad has and he won’t shut up about it - Jared is already traumatized), but that he won’t do. Kissing a girl is already hard enough for him, he could never go all the way. Not now, anyway. He assumes that if he ever marries a girl, he’s gonna have to do it. But he doesn’t want to get married and as he’s not planning on doing that anytime soon, he prefers not to think about it.

While Jared pretends to be someone else when he’s in public, he has stopped doing that when he’s alone. Even though he still sees himself as a freak, he has accepted his feelings for Jack. He eventually got tired of lying to himself, he loves Jack and that’s it. It’s a part of who he is. Missing Jack and the pain has become a part of who he is. He doesn’t get ashamed to touch himself while thinking about Jack anymore. It’s his only escape, it’s when he can get a release from reality and really be himself. Jared can hide in his happy place when he’s alone.

Sometimes, Jared wishes he could tell Jack how he feels. He wishes Jack would know. But then he changes his mind, because if Jack knew, he would see Jared as the freak and sinner he is, and Jared is sure this is something he can’t handle.

He justs wonders if Jack even remembers him.

Of course not.



October 22th, 1999

“The Portuguese call it saudade: a longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Love affairs, miseries of life, the way things were, people already dead, those who left and the ocean that tossed them on the shores of a different land - all things born of the soul that can only be felt.”



Jared is alone at the house for the weekend, his parents and Megan have travelled to his uncle’s house, and he’s restless. They wanted him to go with them, but Jared prefers to be bored at home than somewhere else so he is staying put.

It’s late at night and he’s in his room flicking through the channels, and he finds a very cheesy romantic comedy. He chuckles to himself, the guys would tease him so bad if they knew but he burrows under his covers and settles into watch.

The scene takes place at a high school, and the popular football player is hitting on the cheerleader (could they be more cliché), and the following dialogue happens:

“So… do you know what would look good on you?” The dude asks with a smirk.

“What?” The chick giggles.

“Me.” The dude answers, arching an eyebrow.

Jared frowns at the screen. Those lines trigger something in the back of Jared’s mind. He has seen this before. He runs to his notebook and takes out the wrinkled page that means so much to him. He can’t stop himself looking at Jack’s face before lowering his gaze to where Jack has written his message. Jared has read this so many times over the years, but he could never understand what Jack meant. Now, Jared reads it once more.

"I think blue would look good on you.

-Jackles"

And then, just like that, Jared gets it.

It’s like getting punched in the stomach, and Jared feels sick. It turns out that Jack did pay attention to him after all. This message was Jack’s way of saying it, and Jared never realized it.

But if this is really true and Jack liked Jared, then that would mean…

Another thought invades Jared’s mind, he can hear Jack’s voice so clearly he could have spoken those words yesterday.

I can’t tell anyone who I really am.

It’s like a lightbulb goes off. Jared’s expressive eyes widen. After 5 years, Jared finally knows. He covers his mouth with his hand, trying to contain the emotion that threatens to overpower him.

Now he knows who Jack really was, because that’s exactly who Jared is now. Jack was hiding from everyone, just like Jared is.

He can’t believe it.

Jared stops fighting his emotions, because this discovery is too much for him to handle. His hazel eyes fill with tears and he cries desperately, because now he knows that Jack saw him. He saw him the way Jared always wanted him to.

Jared sobs even harder because it doesn’t even matter anymore, since Jack is long gone and Jared has no fucking idea where to find him. He wishes, more than ever, that he had a last name, anything that could help him find Jack.

He feels Jack’s absence deeper than ever before, now that he knows they could have actually been something. Not that Jared believes Jack still remembers him, it has been 5 years after all, but if they met again, then maybe… just maybe.

Sprinting to the bathroom he almost misses the toilet when he loses the contents of his stomach. He spends a long time sitting on the floor, crying for what could have been and never will.



Jared doesn’t sleep that night.

There’s only one thing in his mind. He gets up early and heads to Walgreens. It doesn’t take long to find what he’s looking for. He pays for his purchase and goes back home, closing himself in the bathroom and getting to work.

Jared takes his time with it, he’s careful and follows the instructions thoroughly because he wants it to be perfect. He waits for the specified time and finally rinses it out in the sink, using his mom’s hair dryer to finish it.

When Jared looks in the mirror, his hair is blue.

His mom will likely kill him. She will try to make him ‘take this off his hair’, but Jared doesn’t care, he won’t do it. Right now, nothing else matters, at this moment he feels close to Jack, and he is happy. Jared grins to himself, white teeth gleaming.

He walks back to his room and sits down on his bed, picking up the page again. He runs a blue stained finger over Jack’s message, leaving a small smudge on the paper.

He doesn’t feel like a freak or a sinner anymore, and he finally understands that what he feels isn’t wrong.

Because Jack feels it too. And how could something he feels so strongly be wrong? His love for Jack is the most right thing Jared has, and knowing that Jack is like him proves that he isn’t wrong. What is wrong is the world. He just loves a person that happens to be a boy as well, and it’s a much bigger thing than he can control. And despite everything, Jared doesn’t regret it, even if he had the power to change his feelings, he wouldn’t.

Jack is the one good thing he has in his life, and he swears again that nobody will ever take this away from him. He can still pretend to be someone he’s not, he knows now that Jack has done the same thing, so he’s not alone in this.

But he will never feel ashamed for loving Jack anymore. Jack is his most beautiful secret, that lies within the deepest part of his heart, where only he can reach it. And even if he never sees Jack again, he doesn’t regret a single thing. He will never understand how a person that he spent only a month with, changed his life so much. He has met so many people that lasted way longer and mean nothing to him, and yet in only one month Jack has changed everything.

When he he settles into bed that night, he does the same thing he has done every night for years now, he prays.

Jared pleads for God to put Jack in his path again. Just one more time. And he promises that if this happens someday, he will never ask for anything else in his life.

January 15th, 2000

I envy those people who get to see you all the time. I envy people who get to pass by you on the street, or go to the same class, or sit beside you on the bus. They don’t know how lucky they are. I would give everything to be them.

I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Even if I meet a thousand people, even if I live a thousand years. Even if I do have a family someday, it will always be you. My deepest secret, my biggest love. My heart will always belong to you.



Part 2 - Chapter 6