The Love That Remains - Chapter 12/22

[lullysg]

Jared is desperate. He has been looking for Jensen for more than 3 hours and so far no sign of him. He has searched various parts of town, including the whole campus, and Jensen isn’t anywhere. A light rain started about 20 minutes ago, and that only serves to aggravate his worries. He knows Jensen wasn’t wearing a jacket and it’s a very chilly night, even colder now due to the rain. He really hopes Jensen is somewhere warm.

Jared is at the end of his hope, but he isn’t giving up any time soon. He has no idea why Jensen ran away from him, everything seemed so fucking right, finally. Jared can’t understand what went wrong, why Jensen wanted Jared away from him. He has to find Jensen, he needs to. This has been the most unbelievable day of his life so far, right after he figured out he really was in love with Jensen, found out he was actually his lost love Jack, only to lose him again. Jared wonders if Jensen found a way to get out of town, caught a ride or something. Jared nearly has a panic attack only thinking about it, because if Jensen did, if he doesn’t want to be found, then Jared has just lost him. Again. The irony in all of that is too much for Jared to handle. He has no idea how he will get through this if he doesn’t find Jensen.

Jared tries searching in a part of town he has been to only a couple of times and isn’t familiar with. He walks a few streets, coming across some homeless people but none of them is Jensen and he thinks better than to ask them if they know him. Perhaps he may do it later if there’s still no sign of the man.

There’s a park nearby, and Jared decides to walk around it. The wind is strong so he pulls the jacket closer to his body as he continues his search. From far away, he spots a bench under a tree, and undoubtedly there’s someone lying down on it. When Jared gets closer, his heart almost stops, and he falls to his knees in relief. He would recognize him anywhere.

Jensen.

Finally.

Jared gets up and pretty much runs to where Jensen is lying, crouching down next to him. Jensen has his eyes shut, his teeth are chattering, his lips are blue and he’s shivering. Jared gently places a hand on his arm and it’s almost like he has been shocked, his skin ice cold. Jared doesn’t know if Jensen is conscious or not, but before he can find out, he takes off his heavy jacket and places it around Jensen’s torso. That makes Jensen open his eyes, they are unfocused for a few moments but when they find Jared’s face, they go wide.

“Ja… Jared?” Jensen stutters between his clattering teeth.

Jared feels his eyes moistening, he’s getting colder by the minute but he doesn’t care one bit. “Yes Jen, it’s me. You scared the crap out of me, but now I found you.” Jared’s voice wavers. He found Jensen. “And you’re gonna freeze to death real soon, so we need to get the fuck out of here, right now.”

Jared needs to take care of Jensen quickly, he was out in the cold for too long, probably is in the first stages of hypothermia, and needs immediate care, which Jared will provide. He very carefully helps Jensen to his feet, and into his jacket, zipping it up and placing the hood on his head. Jared places both arms around Jensen as they walk out of the park, trying to get him a little bit warmer.

Leaving a hand around his shoulders, Jared fishes his phone out of his pocket and quickly scrolls down until he finds the cab service number. They need to get to his apartment fast and he has no idea where he is or where to get a cab around here. Thankfully the cab arrives less than 10 minutes later, and once they are both settled in, Jared asks the driver to crank up the heater as high as it will go, giving his address and asking the guy to drive fast.

During the whole ride, Jared keeps Jensen glued to his side, both arms around him, running a hand up and down his back. Jensen is quiet, resting his head on Jared’s chest, and Jared places his chin on top of it. He holds Jensen even closer and breathes in his scent. It brings tears to his eyes and he’s hit with a great longing. Now he knows why he smelled Jack when he kissed Jensen. It wasn’t his brain playing tricks on him, he was simply smelling Jensen himself and was too dumb to notice and make the connection. He inhales deeper, and god how he missed this scent. He had felt it countless times when he brought the jersey close to his face, trying to feel Jack one more time, and now here he finally is.

Tears trickle down Jared’s face and disappear inside Jensen’s hair, and Jared wonders when it stopped being blue. He had always wondered what color Jack’s hair really was, and here it is. He likes the dark blonde color, it suits him. Jared has so many questions for Jensen, there is so much to say. But that can wait, there will be time. Jared found Jensen, and it will be okay. For now, he hugs Jensen tighter and buries his nose in his hair.



When they arrive at Jared’s apartment, he quickly unlocks the door and ushers Jensen in, turning up the lights and the heater as well. He’s so glad Chad is away, that way they can have more privacy. Jensen is still shivering and very quiet, so he guides him to the couch and runs to the bathroom, turning the faucet of the tub on, filling it with hot water. Meanwhile, he goes to get towels and then Jensen, taking him to the bathroom and showing him the tub.

“You get in there and warm yourself up, okay Jen? Take your time, you can stay there as long as you want, there is no rush. You’re still way too cold.”

Jensen just nods, and Jared helps him out of the damp jacket. He tells him he’s gonna wait for him outside and get him fresh and dry clothes, asking Jensen to call if he needs anything. Before he can walk out of the bathroom though, he hears Jensen’s quiet voice behind him.

“ ‘m sorry, Jared.”

Jared turns around and gives Jensen a tight smile. “We’ll talk later okay? Don’t worry about it.”

Jared closes the door behind him and leans against it, taking deep breaths. It’s all gonna be okay. Jensen is okay. He gets himself together and down to business. First, Jared sends a message to Chris saying that he found Jensen and will be bringing him back to the clinic tomorrow, briefly explaining what happened. Then, he goes to his room, changes out of his own wet clothes into more comfy ones and finds a simple t-shirt and sweatpants for Jensen. Jared had bought some new underwear that he hasn’t worn yet, so he gets one for Jensen as well as socks. With a light knock, he enters the bathroom to find Jensen in the tub with his eyes closed. He opens them when he hears Jared, and the younger man quickly places the items on the sink and grabs Jensen’s wet clothes so he can wash and dry them for him. He shoots Jensen a smile and leaves the bathroom. He tries not to think about the fact that Jensen is very naked in his tub. He won’t go there now because it will be too much.

When Jared hears Jensen getting out of the tub, he makes them both big mugs of hot chocolate, so Jensen can warm up on the inside as well, and Jared really needs one right now himself. He waits for Jensen, sitting on the couch, both mugs on the coffee table in front of him.

Jared finally hears the bathroom door opening and footsteps coming closer. He looks up and finds Jensen standing beside the couch, Jared’s clothes a little loose on him but he looks good. He isn’t shivering anymore and his lips are back to a normal color, and Jared is happy to see it. Jensen looks unsure and lost, so Jared pats his hand on the couch.

“Come on, I made hot chocolate for us.” Jared gives Jensen an encouraging smile.

Jensen slowly moves forward and sits down beside Jared, accepting the mug offered to him, murmuring a quiet ‘thanks’ and taking a sip. The silence that settles between them is louder than any words, and the tension is palpable. There is so much to say and apparently neither of them know how to begin.

Jared finishes his chocolate and puts the mug on the table, shifting his body so he can face Jensen, who does the same. They silently stare at each other, and God. Jared is having the hardest time wrapping his mind around the fact that this guy, in front of him, is Jack. Jack is in his house.

Jared pinches his arm to see if he’s dreaming and Jensen chuckles.

“What are you doing?” He asks in a quiet voice.

“Making sure this isn’t a dream.” Jared answers, eyeing Jensen significantly. Jared raises his hand and touches Jensen’s face, mirroring Jensen’s own action from earlier. He has cried a lot today already, but apparently his body still has a lot of tears to shed because his eyes get moistened again.

“Jack.” Jared says with a husky voice, because he still can’t find the proper words.

Jensen smiles and lowers his head for a moment, before facing Jared again. “J.T.”

It has been so long since anyone has called Jared that, and he never thought he’d hear that nickname coming from Jack’s mouth again. Speaking of…

“So… what’s really your name? Jack, Jensen? What’s the deal with that, I don’t know what to call you anymore.” Jared asks, slowly dropping his hand from Jensen’s face.

Jensen chuckles again. “My name has always been Jensen. Jensen Ackles. Jack… that was a name I used back then. As a cover up. You can call me Jensen, or… Jen, whatever you like.”

Jared smiles and takes Jensen’s hand in his. “Jensen… okay. I always thought your real name was Jack, never occurred to me that… anyway.” Jared busies himself with playing with Jensen’s thin fingers, as he tries to gather the courage. He has waited so long, he has asked so many times for an opportunity to say what he needs to say to Jensen. And this is it. The universe has given him the opportunity and it’s time for him to take it. “Jen, I…” Jared stops and lets out a long breath, taking a moment to compose himself. “You have no idea. From the moment I met you for the first time, there was something. I was so young, but I knew. I couldn’t understand it at the time, what it really meant. All I knew was that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Whenever I saw you, whenever we interacted, that was the highlight of my day. Every time you looked at me… I can’t even explain. When I left the camp, left you, it was so hard. I didn’t know what I was feeling, it was all so new to me, I was only a child, Jensen. All I knew was that I couldn’t stop thinking about you, all I could think about was seeing you again. Returning to the camp and realizing you weren’t there… that was the worst month of my life, being there without you.

“I realized I might like boys instead of girls, but when I tried to tell my mom about it, she was so mad. Told me never to bring it up again, that it was a phase. And I tried, Jensen. I tried to be attracted to girls, I kissed some of them but all I could think of was you. And god, I hated you so much for making me feel like this. I knew if I hadn’t met you, my life wouldn’t be that fucked up, but at the same time… thinking about you was the only thing that made me genuinely happy. I never knew if you remembered me, probably not. I was only a kid anyway. But when I finally understood that message you left on my booklet, I knew you had at least noticed me. And that I wasn’t alone in the way I felt. I thank you for that. I have dreamed about you every single day for the past 12 years, Jensen. And I can’t explain why you impacted my life so much, you just did. I don’t know for sure how you feel about me, but… the thing I want most in my life is to be with you.”

Jensen is silent for a long time, and then he gives Jared a sad smile, bringing Jared’s hand to his mouth and placing a gentle kiss to his knuckles. Releasing Jared’s hand, Jensen gets up from the couch and walks around the room, as if trying to gather his thoughts.

Jensen stops by the small dinner table and leans his closed fists on it, not meeting Jared’s eyes. “Jay…” He starts but his voice breaks, and he needs to take some time to find his voice. “Listen. I’m gonna tell you everything that happened to me ever since we met. I need you to understand why we can’t be together.”

Jared opens his mouth to protest, but Jensen raises a hand, silencing him. “No. I need to say it. And I need you to listen. You need to know Jared, please.” Jared remains silent, his lips closed shut, trying not to say anything, and he waits. He sees a tear falling from Jensen’s face onto the table, and he has to fight hard not to get up and dry his tears.

“You see Jared…” Jensen starts in a hoarse voice. “I always knew I was different. I found out at a young age that I wasn’t fond of girls, and I knew my parents would never accept me. They were too close-minded, they hated gays and made it pretty clear. So I had to hide. That’s why I had that disguise when you met me. I figured that since I had to be someone else, I might as well go all the way. I dyed my hair blue, wore black contacts, clothes that had nothing to do with me. I created a nickname and would call myself that. Some friends called me Jackles so I went and shortened it. I wasn’t Jensen anymore, I couldn’t be him for real. That boy you met at the camp… he was hiding, Jared. When I shared my secret with you, that’s what I meant. I couldn’t tell anyone who I really was, I felt trapped.”

Jensen moves to sit down at one of the table chairs, resting his elbows on his knees and facing Jared. He tells him everything, how he met Jason and his father caught them, how he was expelled from his house and lost his family. He tells about the time he went to live with his great aunt, and how he started smoking pot. How he left her house, moved around until he lost his money and ended up with nowhere to live. He tells how he came back to Dallas and became homeless. He tells Jared how he started doing drugs, and Jensen can’t face him when he tells about the small ‘favors’ he did to other guys. Jensen doesn’t look up anymore. Perhaps he thinks he’s gonna see a disgusted look on Jared’s face.

“The thing is, Jared…” Jensen voice wavers as he wipes a tear from his face. “I’m not Jack anymore. Actually, I never was to begin with. That boy doesn’t exist, a fucking lot has happened to him ever since and I’m a different person now. I’m fucked up in a lot more ways than you can imagine.

“You said you don’t know how I feel about you, the truth is… I saw you, Jared. From the first day. I enjoyed being near you, damn I always found a way to sit close to you, in case you didn’t notice,” Jensen chuckles, his eyes looking incredibly sad. “And I missed you too. God, so fucking much. I’m sorry I didn’t go back to the camp that next summer, I just… my parents wouldn’t allow me, once I told them I might be gay. That’s what hurt the most, not going back and not seeing you again. When things started going bad, I thought of you and I wondered if it had all been a dream, because it sounded so distant and too good to be true. The first time I used meth… I saw you Jared. I had an hallucination and I saw J.T.” Jensen wipes his eyes. “And it felt so damn good. You were my happy place, ya know. When I… When I had to do awful things to get money, I’d think about J.T., that boy I probably had dreamed about, and I felt peace.”

Jensen slowly gets up and walks to the couch, sitting at the opposite end to Jared, and finally meeting his eyes.

“I ran away from you tonight because I’m not Jack. I’m fucked up and you wouldn’t want to be with me, trust me. I’m not pitying myself or anything, it’s just that you want someone who doesn’t exist, Jared. I’m not the person you dream about.”

Jared watches Jensen for a long time, finding the right words for what he wants to say. Finally, he gives Jensen a smile and moves closer to him on the couch.

“Jen… from the moment I first saw you at the station, I felt something. I wanted to help you, and I didn’t know why. I wanted to be close to you, I asked Chris to take over your case because I felt the need to help you. When I walked into your room, and you… you had…” Jared stops and looks down, taking deep breaths. Talking about finding Jensen like that is still tough. Jensen feels his distress, as he covers Jared’s hand with his own and gently squeezes it.

“Anyway… That scared me, not only the thought of losing you, but realizing why it affected me so much. Of course, you were a patient so I obviously cared, but with you… it was different. I looked forward to go to work, so I could spend time with you. Those free times we had, those were the best part of my day. I gave up going home for Christmas, not only to avoid my family, but because I wanted to be with you. When we kissed… it was like the final piece of the puzzle. And I felt confused as hell, because I thought I was using you to replace Jack. How ironic, huh? And I couldn’t do that to you. When I came to you tonight, I had all the intentions of saying we couldn’t do this, only because I wasn’t sure about what I was feeling. But when you ran away, the thought of losing you… that’s when I knew, Jensen.

“I realized I had fallen in love with you. It had nothing to do with Jack. It was you all along. And minutes later, finding out you were actually Jack… can you imagine how my mind was?” Jared turns his palm up and laces his fingers with Jensen’s, squeezing tight.

“What I am saying is… I fell in love with Jack, and I fell in love with Jensen. I fell in love with you twice, without even realizing it. I don’t care what has happened to you, or if you are a different person now. I love both of you, Jensen.”

Jensen lowers his head and scoffs, trying to free his hand from Jared’s, but the younger man just tightens his grip. “Jared, how can you want me? I’ve said countless times, I’m fucked up, I don’t have a home, a family, any money. I’m a junkie, and I’ve done things that will never be erased. I’m worth nothing, how on Earth can you want to be with me?”

Jared slowly lifts his other hand and touches Jensen’s chin, lifting his head and making him look Jared in the eyes.

“I only want to know one thing, Jensen.” Jared swallows hard, about to ask the one question he always wanted to. The only thing that matters. “Do you love me too?”

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and places it on his own cheek, leaning into it, his gaze locked on Jared’s eyes. “I loved J.T., and I love you, Jared. So fucking much. But…”

But Jared doesn’t let him finish. Instead, he moves his hand to Jensen’s lips, preventing him to continue. “Remember that last night at the camp, when we were writing the messages in the booklets?” Jensen nods. “You hugged me. I didn’t think you’d even remember to come and talk to me, but you did, and you hugged me so tight. I felt your arms around me for years. Sometimes I also wondered if I had imagined it, but I could still feel you. That hug was so special to me, it’s the single moment I cherish the most in my life. And tonight, I got you back. Against all odds, you were thrown back in my life. That day we talked about prayers, I said I prayed every night for God to give me something.

“The truth is, for the past 12 years, every single day I prayed for God to put you back in my life. Even for a day. I didn’t want to live all my life without seeing you again. And here you are. God answered my prayers. I’m gonna call it my Christmas miracle, because that’s what it is. I don’t care about anything Jensen, as long as I have you with me. And if you have it, my whole heart is yours. Has been for 12 years. I’ve loved you even before I knew what love was.”

Jared wipes a tear that falls from Jensen’s eyes. “Now that we have had all the talking we needed to, can I please hug you again? Because I’ve been dreaming about it ever since I was 11 years old.”

Jensen’s eyes are shining, and he’s looking at Jared with such intensity that Jared couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. Then, Jensen moves to get up, bringing Jared with him. He untangles his hands from Jared’s only to move both his hands around Jared’s shoulders and pulls the younger man towards him, crashing their bodies together in a tight hug. Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s torso, fisting his shirt. Jensen moves one hand up placing it on the back of Jared’s head, and he buries his face in Jensen’s neck, taking in as much of his scent as he can. Tears fall free from his eyes onto Jensen’s shoulder, and he can feel his own neck getting wet where Jensen has his own face buried. Neither of them say anything, they don’t have to. They just cling to each other like their lives depend on it,and maybe they do, and to put into that hug 12 years of longing, pain, love and loss.

Jared has no idea how much time passes. He is finally where he belongs, he has Jensen in his arms and not a single thing in the world matters anymore. It’s like after 12 years, Jared finally feels alive again. And only over his dead body would he let Jensen go this time.

At some point, they reluctantly break apart, keeping their arms loosely around each other. When their eyes meet again, both of them start laughing, as if they finally can, as if that is the first real laugh they have in a long time. Which it probably is.

Jensen leans forward and rests his forehead on Jared’s shoulder, still laughing.

Jared runs a hand on Jensen’s hair. “What?”

“It’s just… I’m so tired.” Jensen looks up at Jared again, a smile on his face, but there are bags under Jensen’s eyes, and to be honest Jared feels pretty drained himself. It has been a long day.

Jared runs a finger down Jensen’s cheek. “Share my bed with me?”

Jensen gives him a significant look. “I would love to.”

Jared leads Jensen to his bedroom, and the first thing Jensen notices is the dreamcatcher over his bed and he walks closer to exam it.

“Hey… I remember this.” Jensen runs a hand over the feathers.

Jared shrugs. “I kinda got it as a souvenir from the camp… I guess it helped me dream of you. I also got this.” Jared reaches into his closet and comes out with Jensen’s old jersey.

“Hey!” Jensen exclaims, grabbing the jersey from Jared’s hand. “That was mine and I lost it at the camp… can’t believe you had it all this time!”

Jared doesn’t even blush. “Like you had my bracelet.” Jensen just shrugs and murmurs ‘guilty’, as Jared goes on.

“I just wanted something to remind me of you after we were gone. It used to smell like you, but my mom washed it one day, and…” Jared trails off, shrugging.

Without a word, Jensen takes off the shirt he’s wearing and puts on the jersey. It’s tighter, especially around his chest but it looks damn good in him. “So it smells like me again. Not like I’m planning on going anywhere this time.”

Jared swallows hard, watching Jensen wearing the jersey again after so long. He grabs the bracelet from his nightstand, where he left it earlier when he came to the room to change, and hands it to Jensen.

“Maybe you’d like this back.” Jared says in a whisper. Jensen only nods, offering his arm to Jared. The younger man gently ties it around Jensen’s wrist, who stares at it for a while. Jared knows the feeling, the bracelet is what brought them back together, a symbol of what they mean to each other.

“I’m never taking this off.” Jensen says, looking up at Jared.

Jared takes his hand and pulls him down on the bed with him, throwing the covers over both of them. Turning off the lights, Jensen’s face is illuminated only from the dim light coming from open window. Jared and Jensen lie down facing each other and Jared touches Jensen’s face, running a finger down his cheek.

“I missed you all my life.”

Jensen kisses the palm of Jared’s hand and looks at him for a while. “What happens now?”

Jared leans forward and presses his lips against Jensen’s, who places a hand behind Jared’s neck and kisses him back, for a long time. Neither of them deepen the kiss, this is all they need, it’s intimate and it feels perfect. When they break apart, Jared presses his forehead against Jensen’s.

“Now we sleep.”

Jensen puts an arm around Jared and brings him closer, and Jared puts his head on Jensen’s chest. As Jensen places a kiss on Jared’s hair, he smiles against Jensen’s skin. For the first time in 12 years, Jared says a different prayer. For the first time, he doesn’t ask for anything.

He’s only thankful.



December 25th, 2006

You have another name, your hair isn’t blue anymore
and your eyes are green, not black.
12 years later, I found you.

“I saw that you were perfect and so I loved you.
Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.”

Part 3 - Chapter 13