"Singularity" Chapter 48: "Known by Heart" [48/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 48: "Known by Heart" [48/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,646
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
They were going to head over to Tommy and Maria's...
...but ultimately decided that the shitshow could wait.
Joel kind of just wanted to go home -- to their house. His and Ellie's. But he was also ravenous, and Esther had invited the two of them over for dinner. They had to bring Spirit back down there anyway (assuming the horse was willing to part with Ellie; Joel couldn't blame him if he wasn't), as well as pick up the shit Joel had left there earlier. He reckoned that Esther would be perceptive enough not to grill him about his whereabouts beyond the initial polite inquiry, and this would be a good time to hear about what they'd all been up to in the past couple of months -- namely, what Ellie had been up to that they hadn't bothered to discuss previously.
And it had gone pretty much like that. Joel was truly sorry to have missed the play, and he vowed to cheer Ellie on at the next one when she landed the lead role (he did not, however, revisit her Romeo and Juliet idea). Ellie had apparently decided she wanted nothing to do with the next play, after he left... but now she said she would "think about it." In general, Esther and Annie and even Esther's other kid, Will, all said that they saw a difference in Ellie already, at dinner: she was more like her old self, now that he was back. It saddened him to think of her becoming a muted version of herself in his absence, like a shadow of the real deal... but it was understandable. At least she hadn't shut down completely.
Now they were just about home, and Joel was bracing himself to find Tommy parked on their doorstep, if not inside the house. Surely word had reached him by now (Joel hadn't even attempted to speak to him from the gate). The security lights flicked on as they approached -- from behind, since they were coming from the farm; there were lights mounted on all sides of the house. "Glad those are still workin'," Joel remarked, as he'd had some trouble with the back side. "You said you've been here a few times, yeah?"
"...A few. Or more."
Joel frowned at all the weeds they had to plow through to get around front. Either the grounds crew had been slacking off, or no one gave a shit about upkeep with the house temporarily unoccupied. "Christ... this is worse than I've ever seen it. Did you tell Tommy?" Who, Joel was pleased to note, was not on their porch. No lights on inside, so unless he was lying in wait to ambush them or some shit, they were in the clear.
Ellie shrugged. "It's just weeds. Who cares? The ones with the yellow flowers are pretty."
Joel snorted. "No they ain't. Tomorrow I'm gonna hunt down either a weed whacker or a goat." He waited at the door for Ellie to produce her key.
"Ha -- I can bring a goat home with me tomorrow." She sighed happily and turned to Joel. "Home. We're really home! Both of us! ...But shit -- I don't have all my stuff! Can I borrow your razor? And your toothbrush?"
He chuckled. "We can go up to the house an' get yours."
"But not tonight! I don't wanna hear their bullshit tonight. Okay so I guess I could just use your mouthwash, cuz I know you don't like it when I use your toothbrush -- but I do need a razor! I didn't know you were coming and I haven't shaved in like... a week, I think? Maybe longer?"
He chuckled. "I don't care about that. Didn't bring any mouthwash with me, though."
"But you do have a razor? That's more important."
"I just told you--"
"You do, right? Your neck's not all scruffy so I know you shaved!"
Yes, he had wanted to look... presentable when he saw her again. The disfigured ear notwithstanding. He couldn't help being a little leaner... or the bags under his eyes... the new creases in his brow he swore weren't there when he'd left... but he could damn well keep control of his facial hair, for the most part. "Guilty as charged. All right, if you insist..."
"I do!"
While she attended to her grooming in the bathroom, Joel checked all the windows and made sure all the curtains were drawn. He also checked that the front door was locked, no less than three times. Because I'll be damned if I let my brother walk in on us again! Not that there would be anything to walk in on, necessarily. That's right... I better make sure Ellie knows that. Just in case.
He noticed the guitar was leaned up against her crate-nightstand, and her notebook was laying there. Open. It looked like the same one he'd gotten for her when they first came to town and she'd been all entranced with the music collection at the library -- she would make notes in there about bands and songs she liked. He was pretty sure she had since decided it was too childish or something, whatever she'd been recording in it; recently, he'd only seen her use it to store her calendar pages. Now it lay open to a page with what appeared to be a poem on it, or possibly lyrics... and a lot of scribbly marks. Things she'd crossed out and rewritten.
Joel was curious, but he didn't want to violate her privacy by reading the open page or flipping through the thing. She obviously hadn't been expecting him to come home today, or she might have put that away. He made himself comfortable, stripping down to his underwear and slipping into the jammy pants that were still in the dresser drawer where he'd left them. They were cleaner than the sweatpants he'd taken with him on the road. He sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard... and continued to resist the temptation to have a look-see at that book.
It don't look like a diary entry, the way she wrote it... is she trying to play some of those songs by ear? Maybe she had wanted to sing along and had to refer to the notebook for the lyrics she didn't know by heart. They didn't have any sheet music handy, so Joel had just been teaching her what he had in his head; maybe she was now able to apply it to other songs. Just knowing that she'd been practicing gave him the itch to play a little himself. He reached over and pulled the guitar up onto the bed... strummed it... the E is a little flat, but she must be keeping it in tune, for the most--
Ellie came flying into the room, clad in only her bra and panties. "What the fuck are you doing!" she yelled at him. "Did you look at anything in here?!"
Amused, he held his hands up, removing them from the guitar like he'd just been doing something indecent. "By 'anything,' I assume you mean that notebook right there?"
She snatched up the offending notebook and clutched it to her chest, glaring at him. "What did you see?"
"Nothin'. I swear. I noticed it, of course... but I didn' know if you'd want me lookin' at it, so... I guess I got the answer to that one now."
"You better not be lying," she scowled.
"Would I lie about--"
"Yes!"
He chuckled. "Didn't we jus' say we were gonna be honest with each other from here on out?"
"That doesn't mean you wouldn't lie about this."
She is just too damn cute. "You really have that little faith in me? Hm? C'mere..."
"No -- I'm almost done -- just... close your eyes for a second. Until I get back to the bathroom."
"Uh... why? Ain't like I've never seen--"
"Just do it!"
He closed his eyes. Covered them with his hand, even, just for show. He heard a drawer open, then close. Heard the bathroom door shut.
Obviously, she had grabbed something to change into. He assumed her regular nightclothes were still at Tommy and Maria's, so tonight's attire was bound to be the sexy nightie she hadn't bothered to bring over there. He would act reasonably surprised when she returned.
The notebook had either accompanied her to the bathroom or been put away in that drawer. Shit -- maybe that's all she was doing? Hiding it from me? As if he couldn't just go search each drawer now that she was gone. As much as he liked to mess with her sometimes, Joel wouldn't be a dick about something she obviously felt very strongly about. He would busy himself with tuning the guitar while he waited.
Ellie was only gone another minute or so. "Think that's it," he mused to himself, strumming a couple in-tune chords before looking up. "Whoa..."
She grinned and did a little twirl in the doorway. "You like?"
It didn't look like lingerie, exactly... more like sexy pajamas: a nearly-sleeveless top with a swoopy neckline and obscenely-short shorts, in a rich emerald green color that looked fantastic on her. "I do. You look... ... mm." It came out more like a grunt than a word.
"I look 'mm'?" she giggled.
"Yes. Where'd you go -- Sophie's closet?"
She picked up the notebook off the dresser; she must have set it down before twirling for him, because Joel was sure she hadn't left him alone in the room with it. "No -- I mean, yeah, but her drawers, not her closet, and there was nothing good left, so I went to the actual store -- I wanted something nice for when you came home."
Aww. "Well, you look very--"
"I just tuned that yesterday, you know," she interrupted defensively. "I tune it pretty much every time I play."
"It wasn't bad," he acknowledged. "But that's why you do wanna tune it a lot. 'Cause it'll go off just a lil' bit, pretty quick. That's good that you can do it by ear." Nothing against those little battery-operated gizmos that helped you tune -- they'd had one at Golden Sands -- but he'd tried to teach Ellie not to rely on that, since they didn't have one here. He could probably hunt one down or put in a request for one, but he felt she had a good enough ear to do it by hand.
Now she was looking around... trying to find a place to put the damn notebook. She settled on the floor of the closet.
"I ain't gonna read it if you don't want me to, kiddo."
She slid the closet door shut. "I know. Still needs to go somewhere -- for now."
He didn't think that she did know that, actually, but he wouldn't belabor the point. He set the guitar aside and pulled her close as soon as she finally ventured within his reach. "You're even prettier than I remember," he told her; he needed to compliment her more often, since he never had managed to convince her it was true (and besides, hadn't he just vowed to tell her every hour from here on out?).
She smiled, settling into his arms happily. "Prettier than you remember from a minute ago?" she teased.
"Yes. Definitely. You get prettier by the minute. Unlike myself. I just get uglier an' uglier as--"
"Stop!" She swatted him. "If you're talking about your ear... it's not ugly. It's just... not there? Part of it! The rest of it is... still gorgeous..." But she giggled a little when she said it.
"Sure it is." He let her inspect it, since he'd been careful to keep her on his other side and she hadn't seen it much up close. The soft bedroom lighting probably hides the worst of it... natural light tended to make things look worse. "What happened to us not lyin' anymore?"
"I'm not lying!" she lied. "The wound needs to heal, obviously, but this bottom part here is fine..."
He could tell she was fixing to kiss it... he jerked away. "Come over to the other side. C'mon."
"I wasn't gonna touch the injured part," she protested, but she did crawl over him when he started yanking her in that direction. "Joel, I'm not grossed out by it or anything. Nothing about you could ever gross me out."
Oh, Joel could think of a few things that definitely would, but he would keep those to himself. He smiled at her fondly. "That's real sweet. Thank you."
She kissed him just as sweetly. "I love you. ...I still kind of can't believe you're back."
He caressed her cheek. "I'll never leave you again. I know I've said it before... and you've got no reason to think that this time is any different..."
"I believe you."
He couldn't tell if she was lying or not; he suspected she might be lying to herself. "It's okay if you don't."
"I do!" She furrowed her brow, though, like she was reconsidering. "I mean... the happy part of me does? The other part... the one that reminds me the only person you can really count on is yourself... it's always been there, you know? It's not any worse now than it was before. Because... you came back. Even after what I did... you still love me. I can tell -- I can see it in your eyes. And you're still... petting me and stuff, like... It's more than I deserve."
"No, don't-- don't think like that." It was understandable, but he hated that she felt that way. In Joel's eyes, she deserved more than he could ever give her. Can I get through to her? Or is it one of those things that's just going to take time? "I think we both have to accept that... we hurt each other. We made mistakes. But we've learned from 'em... and our intentions were always good. We never hurt each other on purpose."
"What I did was worse," she said quietly, eyes downcast.
"No. It wasn't. I understand why you did it. Why you thought it would work."
She chuckled bitterly. "Yeah -- because I was stupid?"
"No -- you ain't stupid at all. You took your cue from me. I've told you time and again that I don't want kids. You've seen how... relieved I am, whenever you get your period. Why wouldn't you assume that... that I'd be happy when you lost it? That things would just go back to normal."
This seemed to surprise her. "That's not what you... I mean... before, you felt like I thought of you as some kind of monster. Right? Like you couldn't believe I didn't realize you'd be upset."
"I s'pose I did, at first. But that wasn't fair. You took the facts you had... an' came to a logical conclusion."
She looked up at him then, and her eyes were moist. "I really really wanted it to be true -- when I saw that you did want it -- I should've just told you the truth right away. Before it like... had a chance to hurt more."
He smoothed her hair back. "You were too scared I'd leave. So you tried to fix it. I under--"
"Yeah, you mean fix it by fucking your brains out? Pfff. Real smart plan. Oh, and yeah -- in case you were wondering -- no, I'm not pregnant. I got my period like a week after you left. The second time you left, I mean."
"I... figured you would've told me by now if you were, yes." Of course he had wondered... but truth be told, he hadn't wondered about it even once since laying eyes on her today. Either he was too intoxicated just being with her again... or he just somehow knew that she wasn't?
She snorted. "Not that you'd believe me. I would have to pee on that stick right in front of you. Gross."
He smiled. "I could look away while you did it."
"No way! Cuz then you'd be wondering if I pulled a different stick out of my ass or something. Like if I stole one from a pregnant--"
"That wouldn't be necessary," he laughed. "Look at it this way. You kind of just... have to trust me when I say I ain't leavin' again, right? Well, I'm trustin' that you will never lie about that again."
"I won't! Besides, maybe I can't even have kids. After all that sex we had, and I still didn't get pregnant? Maybe the Cordyceps fucked up my insides."
That possibility had actually never occurred to Joel. All the time he'd spent agonizing over whether it was fair to stay with Ellie through her most fertile years, possibly depriving her of the chance to have kids after he passed... and it had never once crossed his mind that maybe she couldn't have them anyway. For reasons that had nothing to do with him. We really don't know how it's affected her... her other organs are working just fine... we know the fungus is in her brain, but that works just fine, too... It wasn't like they could just head to the clinic and order up some tests on this shit. Or maybe she couldn't have kids for some other unknown reason. But he didn't want her to worry about any of that. "The timin' has to be... just... perfect, for it to happen. Remember how long Tommy an' Maria were tryin' before she got pregnant? If it was as easy as havin' lots of sex before your period... no one would have any trouble. And plenty of couples do."
"Yeah, I guess. It's so not fair. Then there's Lisa, who gets pregnant by accident and goes to Idaho and has an abortion."
"She's even younger than you are. And the dad's a teenager too, ain't he? Don't judge her for that."
"I'm not! I'm just saying. I wanted to get pregnant, so it's not fair. That's all."
Well, I knew we were going to have to get to this sooner or later, might as well do it now... "Ellie... it's a good thing you weren't. I still don't want kids. I know it's confusin', 'cause I did care about the... when I thought you were..."
"Okay... so you don't want them right now, but don't you think that someday you--"
"I'm only gettin' older."
"...So?!"
"So... it ain't right, to father a kid an' then not be around to--"
"Oh, whatever. You're going to live forever."
"Ellie--"
"Okay, no, listen! Maybe not forever. But I really liked what you said, before." She sat up a little and looked at him, earnest as ever. "First of all, I don't think you asking me to marry you was a mistake. You also said that having a baby was the answer to the how can I live without you question. Because then I'd literally have a part of you still with me, and he or she would need me... and we'd help each other through it and stuff..."
"It's a nice thought, but it ain't a good enough reason to have a kid."
"Why not?! It's the perfect reason! And you did love the fake baby -- you even said so yourself -- so I know you would be a great father to it -- to a real one. For as long as you could. Our kid would have two parents -- two parents who love each other, not ones who are just together because they wanted a kid! -- so how is that not better than... than pretty much every other family out there? Hardly anyone has two parents. Some have zero parents."
Damn, she's really thought hard about this... "That don't mean that... I should be fatherin' kids at my age."
"Yes it does! Your age doesn't matter! Bella was twenty-three when she died -- she didn't have kids, but she could have. Edgar was killed on patrol... he was thirty-one. And that fucking bitch Rochelle was really young -- ugh, how the fuck can you drown your own baby girl?! She never should've had--"
"Obviously she wasn't right in the head." To put it mildly; Joel didn't understand that one himself, and wasn't of a mind to preach compassion to Ellie on the matter. "None of that has anythin' to do with us. With me."
"Yes it does! Because you would be a great parent. The best. I felt so lucky to have you for a dad! And that wasn't even that long ago -- you're barely older now than you were then!"
Joel had to laugh. "You know how messed up that sounds?"
"It's not messed up at all. Things change. And you've changed... Joel, don't you think it means something? The fact that you wanted that baby?"
That's called... making the best out of a bad situation. But he thought it might hurt her feelings, to know that. A considerable portion of him had been freaked out, too, which he'd mostly concealed from her. "Can we switch gears for a minute? We don't even know if we're gonna be stayin' in town. I don' know about you, but I sure as hell don't wanna be tryin' to raise a kid on the Outside."
"Okay so maybe not right now. Like I said -- someday! Like when I'm eighteen! We could live here then. If that's the rule Tommy and Maria don't wanna break, well... no reason to keep us out then, right?"
"All right, so we'll revisit the subject in two years." He could give her that much.
"Not even! A year and eight months. Almost to the day."
"Fine -- twenty months from now."
"Hey... it doesn't sound so far off when you put it like that... like it's just months, not years!"
"Don't be wishin' your life away, kiddo. You'll get there soon enough."
"Whatever. Okay, so we're having kids in two years," she said with finality.
"What?" he laughed. "Since when does revisitin' the subject mean... yes we will?"
"Since now. And you can ask me to marry you anytime in between there."
"Any time? Well, that's very generous of you."
"Hey, you did say you're not leaving! And you already asked once, so."
Actually, he was glad that she could view that whole shotgun proposal business with good humor. A few hours ago, she'd seemed embarrassed to admit she 'would totally say yes next time.' "Not everythin' can be scheduled, you know. As I'm sure you'll remember... sometimes life happens while you're busy makin' other plans."
"Right. Which means... if it happens before..."
He sighed. "Ellie--"
"Don't 'Ellie' me! Listen. What if we... don't try, or anything... but we don't not try, either. In other words: whatever happens, happens. And you did say that you were going to like... pay more attention to what I want, right?"
She really seems to have her heart set on this... but Joel couldn't just give in and indulge her like it was just any other whim. What she was suggesting was downright irresponsible. She would take offense if he said this, but he was certain she wasn't grasping the magnitude of what it means to have a child. "Yes. I did say that. And I'm gonna try an' keep in mind that... just 'cause I think you're too young to have a baby don't mean that it's true. You seem to feel differently."
"I do! I'm not too young at all!"
"But... I think maybe part of that is that you... ...-You like the idea of... securin' a family for yourself."
She blinked. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothin'. Just... this mornin', you didn' know if you'd ever see me again, an' now you're talkin' about havin' kids?"
"Okay okay -- it's too fast. I get it. I'll slow down. We don't even have to have sex anymore. Whatever you want."
"Uh... what? I never said--"
"I know, but you kind of wanted to start over and take things slow, right? Not all the way over like a clean slate cuz you don't want us to forget the past but like... yeah. Slow."
He chuckled. "I also said that I was thinkin' that way... 'til I held you in my arms and it felt as natural as it always has." He kissed her for emphasis.
She smiled. "Yeah... okay. Maybe we shouldn't tonight anyway. You're tired and stuff."
I didn't even have to tell her, he marveled. "The, uh... equipment is definitely a little rusty. It might polish up just fine... or it might not."
"That's totally fine. Honestly, I'm only wearing this because... I mean, it's not because I'm like... trying to tell you I want sex or something..."
"Like your signature move: the campfire grope."
"Haha, yes! Awesome. Seriously, though... after the way I treated you... and that awful, horrible last time... I would like to have good sex... soon. The making love kind. After that, if you want to... not have it, I'm--"
"Stop sayin' I don't want it. I do. Do I want as much as we were havin' at the end? No. But I do want you. All right?"
Her smile was a little sheepish. "Even I don't want as much as we were having. I am so sorry I did that to you. Fuck -- I broke your equipment. So it's fine now? Just rusty?"
"Think so." At least she hadn't referred to it as rape this time. "It's all right. You know, a younger man would've been thrilled to... satisfy you so often."
She snorted. "Younger? You mean like Clicker?"
"I meant younger than me."
"Which he is! So do you think him and Alyssa have actual sex? They're too young!"
He chuckled. "I agree. Like I said before, his parents have prob'ly talked to him about all that."
"And... I guess Jacob, with Alyssa, cuz she doesn't have -- fuck, he was all into poking Christine, why would he tell his sister to keep her legs shut? Maybe we should talk to her!"
Yep... too damn cute. "Us? Oh sure. We're model spokespeople for that."
"Why not?"
"Well... for one thing, didn't you jus' say at dinner that she still hates you?"
"But not as much as she used to!"
"And I don't think I've even spoken to her. Not one word."
"So what? You're good at lectures. And you do think thirteen is too young, so it's a subject you're passionate about..."
"Oh yeah, that's me. A crusader for abstinence."
"Yes! I mean, practically!" she giggled.
I SHOULD be, as far as Ellie is concerned... because frankly, no matter how careful he thought he was being by pulling out, as long as they were having sex, there would always be a chance Ellie could get pregnant. Maybe that wouldn't be the end of the world... but it was still something he'd like to avoid. I can be MORE careful... we can have less sex... but I can't give that up altogether -- we love each other too deeply. ...As far as preaching to those kids-- "I think I'll trust that his parents can handle it. Maybe they talked to both of 'em."
Ellie gasped. "Joel, you know what? His parents -- John and Georgia -- they're really old!"
"...Not really old..."
"Older than you! By almost ten years! And they have a kid, see? So--"
"Yes -- an orphan they adopted. A kid who already existed... not one they decided to bring into the world."
"Well... yeah..."
He waited for her to say more, because he could tell she had words on the tip of her tongue... but she remained silent. Apparently chewing on those words. "What is it?" he prompted her.
"Just... I'm an orphan."
"...Yeah? And?"
"And maybe that means I should adopt one. Gavin and Shannon did. This little girl named Isabel. Like a month ago. It's so easy to adopt a kid -- you don't even have to be married, you can be just one single person. You put in an order of what you want and they match you up and send you a kid from back east somewhere."
This was the first Joel had heard of such a thing. "When did they start doin' that?"
"I dunno... I think Isabel's the first one, so... recently, I guess? But... ..." She looked dangerously near tears again.
"But what?"
She swallowed. "I should do that... but... I really like the idea of having one that's... part of us. You and me. Seeing it grow... from the very beginning, you know? ...Is that selfish?"
"No. Not at all. I'd say it's... normal. Ellie, you're only sixteen. You don't gotta decide all this shit right now. Wait an' see what happens. Hell, there's no rule that says you can't do both." As soon as he said it, it hit him (and it was something akin to the bolt of lightning he'd been waiting for these past few months): I felt bad about depriving Ellie of motherhood... well, maybe I ain't necessarily? How do I know what all is going to happen? Some kid could just fall in her lap and she'd--
"Both? ...That's not really fair to the adopted kid. But... I guess if it was me... I'd rather be with a parent who loves me second-best than in an orphanage or whatever... where no one loves me at all."
Joel pulled her into the tightest hug possible. Gave her a good hard squeeze, to the point where she couldn't breathe, because that always made her laugh -- and this time was no different. "Do you have... any idea... how much I loved you, when you were my daughter?"
She kept her face buried in his neck. "I... guess? But I never... replaced Sarah or anything."
"No. You never could. But she could never replace you, either. If both of you were--" ...Goddamnit... It was still hard for him to talk about her sometimes. Especially in this context. He abandoned the thought. "You would love both of 'em. I know you would. And... need I remind you, havin' a baby ain't on the table for us?"
"Maybe not now. But it will be when I'm eighteen."
"We don' know that."
"I know it." She lifted her head to look him in the eye. "Because I saw how much you loved our... what would've been. It made me feel like the biggest asshole, seeing how much you did. And I'm not going to fuck up like that again -- not going to do anything like that, ever, so... like a year from now? After I haven't fucked up at all? You'll see how grown up I am. And you'll know that... I can be a good mother to your kid."
Aww... "I already know that. You don't have to be perfect for me to know that. A year from now, we might not even be livin' here." Even if Tommy and Maria let them stay, would other citizens run them out? Make their lives hell until they gave in and left? I'd like to think I wouldn't let that happen... but what do I know? There's hundreds of people here. The military's getting more and more involved. ...I'm just one man.
"Well, we could come back when I'm eighteen, then. ...Do you know how stupid that sounds, though? Fuck. I mean... I'll be the same person. Still me. I'll just have lived another few months so suddenly I'm allowed to be with whoever I want. It makes no sense."
Leave it to Ellie to round close-to-two years down to 'a few months'! "The line just has to be drawn somewhere, is all."
"Yeah -- it should be drawn where I want it to be!"
"The law don't care if--"
"Oh, fuck the law! Jackson made it up. Every place does whatever they want. Monterey didn't care, obviously."
He arched his eyebrows at her. "Are you really gonna compare--"
"Okay, whatever -- forget about the whole exchange program thing. No one cared about you and me, because they saw that we loved each other. That's how it should be. If you were a dick, then maybe they should care. But--"
"That's why the law don't discriminate, see. That would make it a judgment call. And plenty of people here... will pass judgment. Not in our favor."
"Well, they're stupid, then. Annie's on our side now!"
Yes, Ellie had mentioned that earlier. Joel couldn't fault her for confiding in her friend while he was gone; he imagined she was a more receptive audience than Tommy or Maria, when it came to discussing their relationship. She said she hadn't really, that Annie had guessed it. No matter -- the girl knew. Which meant Esther would probably know soon, if she didn't already. Annie was... a cool customer, for the most part; if Ellie hadn't said anything, Joel probably wouldn't have thought that she knew about anything beyond Ellie's 'crush' on him -- which was well-known around Jackson. He reckoned that if Esther knew the truth, she would feel the need to confront him about it... but maybe he was wrong about that. "Annie's your best friend," Joel pointed out. "She hardly counts as people."
"But she was anti, before, and now she's not! I guess I didn't tell you that part... when I told her I was in love with you, ages ago, but not that you loved me back. She tried to tell me it was wrong. Cuz of some older guy at the farm she liked when she was young and her mom getting her panties in a wad over it and stuff. So, see? I converted her!"
"How come you never mentioned that before?" Joel wondered out loud; he did seem to recall Ellie being rather vague about how Annie had taken that particular confession.
"I dunno... I guess I didn't want you to feel bad?" She sighed. "Okay, so, no lies... yes I didn't want you to feel bad, but I also didn't want you to feel like... they were right. Her and Esther. I worried about that a lot in the beginning."
He kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry."
"For what? Totally not your fault."
"But even back then, you knew... on some level... that I was gonna break my promise. I'm sorry about that. I see it differently now. See us, differently. I... don't think I'm any more wrong for you than any other--"
"You're not wrong at all! You're right for me!"
"...Perhaps righter than most. Which is good enough for me."
"Righter than most, my ass -- you're righter than all. ...Is that even a word? Righter? Sounds like writer... the 'w' kind of writer..."
"Maybe they're both words."
She glanced at the guitar, which was still on the bed... then back at him. "Speaking of... you know what I've been doing in here, since you left?"
That little glance made him suspect it had something to do with the guitar, but he would play dumb. "No idea. Is it naughty?"
"Ha! No! I mean... no. I was gonna say... I've been writing. The 'w' kind. Trying to write a song."
"You have? That's great, kiddo." And it hadn't occurred to him earlier, for some reason. As natural as it felt to be with her again, perhaps he wasn't completely... in tune with her yet (ha).
"Yeah. Except now I'll never finish it."
"Why not?"
"Duh -- cuz you're back."
"What? What's that got to do with anythin'? You can still--"
"Because it's like... kind of a sad song. And I'm not sad anymore." There was a shrug in her voice.
"I still think you should finish it. Maybe you're happier now, but... I bet you could still tap into those emotions, when you're playin'." He hadn't seen anything resembling sheet music when he’d glanced at that notebook, but then... how would Ellie know how to write that when she didn't know how to read it? Maybe she had devised her own system. "Singin' too? ...It was lyrics you were writin' in that book, yeah?"
"Yeah."
He nodded. "You've seen me do it -- playin' songs that don't necessarily match my mood. I was real happy with you on that beach, but I still played sad songs."
"You made people cry," Ellie remembered. "Especially Lupe."
"...Ain't she the one who would cry at the drop of a hat?"
"Yes -- dumb expression, by the way -- but other people, too -- Sophie, at least once!"
"Sophie's nearly as emotional as Lupe. If I made a dude cry, now... that's sayin' somethin'."
Ellie giggled. "Um... Carlos, maybe? No, Keith! You made Keith--"
"Now you're just pullin' names out of your ass. Anyhow... I still think you should finish it. You can work on it when I ain't around, if you wanna do it in private. Or I'll leave you to it, some time..."
"If we're even staying in town," Ellie reminded him.
"Of course."
She sighed. "If we leave, I'll prob'ly forget it all. I have the words written down but I'm still playing around with how to play them, and that part's all in my head."
"So you haven't played it for anyone yet?"
"Fuck no! No one even knows I'm doing it... ...oh fuck. Don't even ask me. Don't you dare!"
"I said nothing," he protested, laughing. But of course, he had been about to ask--
"How long did I have to bug you before you sang for me, huh? Ages!"
"I've already heard you sing -- you sing real good. You have a pretty voice. ...I'd like to hear the song you-- no, I would love to hear the song you wrote. If you would be so kind."
She squirmed and blushed... "Oh wow... um... even though I just told you it's not done?"
...and she's so goddamn adorable! "Yes. 'Cause I'm afraid you might not finish it. Hell, maybe I could help you with it. -Only if you want me to," he added. "No unsolicited advice, I promise."
"Ha... okay... umm... just... I think you might kind of... hate it, actually?" She cringed.
"Somethin' you wrote? No way. No--" He paused. "Oh, I get it. It's a hatin'-on-Joel song. Is that it?"
"No!" she laughed. "I mean... it's not... happy, or anything... but it's not Joel-bashing, I swear."
"All right then. What's to hate?"
"Well... it's... ... uh..."
"Maybe you oughta jus' sing it for me, yeah?"
She groaned. "I guess if you reeeeeally want me to... but you have to remember it's not done."
"Yes, you've made that very clear."
"What I think I maybe need help with is the guitar stuff. The lyrics feel like... they're just about there. I think? But fitting them together with the chords and stuff... maybe the timing of how I sing them, like how long to hold a note, or when to bunch the words together more... that kind of thing?"
"Hey, I'm no expert. I never did become a real singer. But I think I can help you with the guitar -- I can certainly try -- and as far as the lyrics... how long to hold notes an' whatnot... jus' sing 'em from your heart, an' that stuff will come natural."
She rolled her eyes. "Oh my God -- every time you say that--"
"I know you think it's bullshit, but it ain't. Hasn't it worked out fine for you so far? Every time I tell you to relax an' be yourself--"
"Okay, yeah, I guess. But... I've never sang this for anyone before. I might fuck it up."
"Understood. That's fine."
"...You're supposed to tell me that I won't fuck it up," she informed him.
"You want me to lie? How do I know if you're gonna fuck it up or not?"
"Yes you're supposed to lie!" she laughed.
"I've told you before -- if you make a mistake, just keep goin'. Don't let it... fluster you -- or derail you completely. I don' know the song, so I prob'ly won't even notice. You can tell me after, or not... up to you. All right?"
"Okay. Yeah... okay. So... I feel like maybe I should explain some stuff? About the lyrics?"
He shook his head. "Not yet. Let me hear you sing 'em first."
"Okay... just... I have to say, I can't even tell you why I like some of them... why they feel right. They just do."
"That's fine."
"And... I can't really look at you, cuz I still suck at the guitar so I have to look at what I'm doing and think about it and remember the lyrics at the same time. You said to keep going, if I mess up? Well, that's like... the only way I've done this so far. I can hear my voice and the guitar together in my head, but it's hard to make them both work at the same time. Which you totally do, when you play." She bit her lip.
"It's definitely a skill that needs to be honed. I didn't learn it overnight, that's for sure. I have to be real comfortable with... both singin' the song, an' playin' it -- I have to know it by heart, to be any good. Both parts. And you haven't had much time with the guitar--"
"I've had lots of time, lately!"
"The past couple months, sure. Nowhere near as much practice as I had when I was learnin'. I'm talkin' years." Not that he'd had as much time to practice as he would have liked...
"I actually only started writing it earlier this month."
"Well, there you go. Cut yourself some slack. Maybe I could learn the guitar part an' help you out by playin' when you sing."
She laughed. "Not like we're going to be performing it for anyone!"
"Says who? Maybe we will. Hell, if we have school plays here -- excuse me, town plays, not school -- maybe we can branch out and do a talent show."
"Oh my God -- no. Not with this... not with my song."
"Why not?"
"Because it's... personal! Private!"
Joel chuckled. "Where do you think all the songs you've ever heard came from? Someone had to think 'em up, an' write 'em... granted, a lot of 'em ain't all that deep..."
"I don't care -- I'm only playing this for you. Because I love you. And you... sort of know me by heart. If you're gonna try and make me play for a bunch of people who--"
"I ain't gonna make you do anythin'. Maybe we could do it just for us, then. I play, you sing. An' then vice versa, if you want."
"Or maybe we can do that with a fucking love song. Which this isn't!"
"Fine -- all I want right now is to hear your song. Forget the rest, all right? And don't worry about messin' up. Just take it slow. Pause when you need to. Don't overthink it. ...It's just me."
"Just you. Sure. Cuz I don't care if I impress you or anything."
He chuckled. "I'm already impressed. ...If you really, truly don't want me to hear it... it's okay."
"Ugh... no guilt trips! I do kind of want you to hear it. I wanna know what you think."
"That wasn't meant to be a guilt trip -- but all right then. Sit or stand?"
"Uh... sit, I guess. That's how I've been doing it."
He fetched her one of the dining chairs... and they decided to move to the living room because the set-up was better; it was easier for Joel to sit on the couch and face her directly. She put on one of his old worn-out flannel shirts, because she said it made her feel more comfortable to not be sitting there 'practically naked' (never mind that the guitar covered up most of her anyway). It was an odd look, but she was adorable as hell, of course, sitting there with the guitar... smiling shyly at him and then frowning at the thing in concentration, plucking at the strings experimentally and... he assumed getting into the right head space.
Joel had no idea what to expect. He knew she had some musical talent, but even so, lots of talented people who thought their original stuff was good when they were just starting out were just fooling themselves. He had already decided he would lie to her at least a little bit if the song was godawful. It wasn't like she was looking to play it for the town or anything. If she decided she wanted to perform for others, he would help her modify it enough that she wouldn't make a complete fool of herself.
She started strumming the guitar in more recognizable fashion -- doing chords. She repeated the same sequence a couple times... he wasn't sure she had started the song until she opened her mouth and began to sing softly -- almost too quietly to be heard over the guitar, but he didn't want to break her concentration or rhythm by asking her to turn up the volume.
"Some say love... is a burning thing... that it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a fading thing
Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
Because I saw love, you see it came to me
It put its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah, then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing
You see the cage it called... I said come on in
I will not open myself up this way again
I lay my face to the soil, my teeth to the sand
I will not lay like this for days now upon end
You will not see me fall, or see me struggle to stand
To be acknowledged by some touch from his gnarled hands
You see the cage it called... I said come on in
I will not open myself up this way again
You see the moon is bright in that treetop night
I see the shadows that we cast in the cold clean light
Now my feet are gold, and my heart is white
And we race out on the desert plains all night
You know I am not some broken thing
I do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee
No my heart is gold and my feet are light
And I am racing out on the desert plains all night
Some say love is a burning thing, that it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a caging thing
Just a killer, come to call from some awful dream
Ahhh and all you folks! -you all come to see
You just stand there in the glass looking at me
But my heart is wild and my bones are steam
And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free..."
She let the last note die out, then raised her head slowly, wincing, like she expected to see disapproval, or amusement, or some other undesirable reaction from him.
But Joel was honestly just... in awe. 'Impressed' was too weak a word to describe how he felt.
"Oh my God -- your eyes are all shiny!" she cried. "Yes!"
"You know you're pretty good when you can make a dude cry," he quipped.
"Pfff -- I make you cry all the time." She laid the guitar down and hurled herself into his arms. "Did you like it?"
He hugged her and kissed the side of her head. "It was beautiful, baby girl. Thank you for lettin' me hear it. Not sure I caught every word, though, so you might have to sing it for me again."
"You mean you just want to hear it again, period."
"Both, actually."
She pulled back enough to smile at him... and she planted little kisses all over his face, the way she did sometimes when she was really pleased with something he'd done or said. All I did this time was tell the truth!
"Maybe later," she said. "So you... understood it, pretty much? You think?"
"Sure. It was a... hatin'-on-Joel song in disguise."
"No it wasn't! Ugh--"
"All right, maybe not exactly," he laughed. "It was more of a... disillusioned-with-love song. Bein' hurt an' gettin' through it... but comin' out different on the other end. That better?"
"I guess."
He would classify the genre as more indie or alternative than anything else. But with a nod to country-- "Did you include the Johnny Cash 'cause of me?"
"Um... it's really cuz it popped in my head? Is that okay? Is it too much like copying?"
"Nah. I'm sure he won't mind: the man's been dead for more than thirty years."
"...Thirty years? You mean he died before the pandemic?" She sounded incredulous.
"Yep, people actually did die -- some of 'em -- prior to 2013," he teased. He was impressed with the imagery she'd invoked in her lyrics; it felt like a good mix of literal and figurative. "The desert plains... California?"
"Um... not specifically, really... I dunno..."
"I like the cage thing. Feels like it means somethin' different at the beginnin' than it does at the end."
"Yes! And like it's good in the beginning but bad at the end."
Ellie was so literal sometimes that he was a little surprised she hadn't written a completely straightforward song. One thing, though... oh hell, I guess I'll just ask her-- "That last line... the one about killin'..."
"Not you," she assured him. "Just everyone else."
He chuckled. "Oh, well, that's just fine, then. As long as you don't kill me."
She giggled. "It miiiight be a little exaggerated. But... no one gets it. No one understands. And I don't want their pity... I don't want them gawking at me cuz I'm different from them... you know? I think it's more of a hating-on-the-world song than hating you. -I don't hate you. Just so you know," she added with a grin.
"Thank you for clearin' that up. Thought maybe you were doin' a... keep-your-enemies close type deal there for a--"
She swatted him. "Whatever! You know I suck at that."
He gave her a big old kiss, as if testing the theory. "Mm, yeah... you wouldn't've let me do that if I was really your enemy. There's such a thing as too close."
"Only with enemies -- not with me'n'you!"
"Agreed." He cupped his face in her hands. "I like what you said before -- about me knowin' you by heart. Except... your song proves that I don't. At least not anymore. 'Cause I didn't see that comin'."
She seemed pleased by this. "You think so? You mean like... in a good way, right?"
"Yes. I'm proud of you, kiddo. At the same time... I'm sorry I hurt you so bad. I'll never do it again. And... I'm lookin' forward to gettin' to know you by heart all over again."
"Aww, Joel... I love you so fucking much!" she gushed, hugging him tightly.
They kissed and cuddled on the couch for a bit... then, just when he thought she might be trying to step things up a notch, she switched gears and started asking him about the composition of her song and how she could 'fix' it, guitar-wise. He was happy to pick up the guitar and oblige her...
...until they were interrupted by a knock at the door. Ellie looked at him wide-eyed, just as panic-stricken as if they'd just heard a moaning Runner or screeching Clicker.
"Joel? Ellie? I know you're in there. I see the lights are on."
It was Tommy at last.
~
Author's note: The song Ellie "wrote" is "Song For Zula" by Phosphorescent, although some of the lyrics have been slightly altered. I originally wanted to use a song that came out AFTER 2013 (I only discovered this one in 2020, but to my dismay, found that it came out in early 2013), so I could then posit that none of those songs actually existed in the TLOU 'verse and were therefore fair game... but in the end, I just liked this song for her too darn much! Even though it's not particularly guitar-ish. I'm sure her version is just a bit different from the one in our world :)
~Continue to Chapter 49~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,646
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
They were going to head over to Tommy and Maria's...
...but ultimately decided that the shitshow could wait.
Joel kind of just wanted to go home -- to their house. His and Ellie's. But he was also ravenous, and Esther had invited the two of them over for dinner. They had to bring Spirit back down there anyway (assuming the horse was willing to part with Ellie; Joel couldn't blame him if he wasn't), as well as pick up the shit Joel had left there earlier. He reckoned that Esther would be perceptive enough not to grill him about his whereabouts beyond the initial polite inquiry, and this would be a good time to hear about what they'd all been up to in the past couple of months -- namely, what Ellie had been up to that they hadn't bothered to discuss previously.
And it had gone pretty much like that. Joel was truly sorry to have missed the play, and he vowed to cheer Ellie on at the next one when she landed the lead role (he did not, however, revisit her Romeo and Juliet idea). Ellie had apparently decided she wanted nothing to do with the next play, after he left... but now she said she would "think about it." In general, Esther and Annie and even Esther's other kid, Will, all said that they saw a difference in Ellie already, at dinner: she was more like her old self, now that he was back. It saddened him to think of her becoming a muted version of herself in his absence, like a shadow of the real deal... but it was understandable. At least she hadn't shut down completely.
Now they were just about home, and Joel was bracing himself to find Tommy parked on their doorstep, if not inside the house. Surely word had reached him by now (Joel hadn't even attempted to speak to him from the gate). The security lights flicked on as they approached -- from behind, since they were coming from the farm; there were lights mounted on all sides of the house. "Glad those are still workin'," Joel remarked, as he'd had some trouble with the back side. "You said you've been here a few times, yeah?"
"...A few. Or more."
Joel frowned at all the weeds they had to plow through to get around front. Either the grounds crew had been slacking off, or no one gave a shit about upkeep with the house temporarily unoccupied. "Christ... this is worse than I've ever seen it. Did you tell Tommy?" Who, Joel was pleased to note, was not on their porch. No lights on inside, so unless he was lying in wait to ambush them or some shit, they were in the clear.
Ellie shrugged. "It's just weeds. Who cares? The ones with the yellow flowers are pretty."
Joel snorted. "No they ain't. Tomorrow I'm gonna hunt down either a weed whacker or a goat." He waited at the door for Ellie to produce her key.
"Ha -- I can bring a goat home with me tomorrow." She sighed happily and turned to Joel. "Home. We're really home! Both of us! ...But shit -- I don't have all my stuff! Can I borrow your razor? And your toothbrush?"
He chuckled. "We can go up to the house an' get yours."
"But not tonight! I don't wanna hear their bullshit tonight. Okay so I guess I could just use your mouthwash, cuz I know you don't like it when I use your toothbrush -- but I do need a razor! I didn't know you were coming and I haven't shaved in like... a week, I think? Maybe longer?"
He chuckled. "I don't care about that. Didn't bring any mouthwash with me, though."
"But you do have a razor? That's more important."
"I just told you--"
"You do, right? Your neck's not all scruffy so I know you shaved!"
Yes, he had wanted to look... presentable when he saw her again. The disfigured ear notwithstanding. He couldn't help being a little leaner... or the bags under his eyes... the new creases in his brow he swore weren't there when he'd left... but he could damn well keep control of his facial hair, for the most part. "Guilty as charged. All right, if you insist..."
"I do!"
While she attended to her grooming in the bathroom, Joel checked all the windows and made sure all the curtains were drawn. He also checked that the front door was locked, no less than three times. Because I'll be damned if I let my brother walk in on us again! Not that there would be anything to walk in on, necessarily. That's right... I better make sure Ellie knows that. Just in case.
He noticed the guitar was leaned up against her crate-nightstand, and her notebook was laying there. Open. It looked like the same one he'd gotten for her when they first came to town and she'd been all entranced with the music collection at the library -- she would make notes in there about bands and songs she liked. He was pretty sure she had since decided it was too childish or something, whatever she'd been recording in it; recently, he'd only seen her use it to store her calendar pages. Now it lay open to a page with what appeared to be a poem on it, or possibly lyrics... and a lot of scribbly marks. Things she'd crossed out and rewritten.
Joel was curious, but he didn't want to violate her privacy by reading the open page or flipping through the thing. She obviously hadn't been expecting him to come home today, or she might have put that away. He made himself comfortable, stripping down to his underwear and slipping into the jammy pants that were still in the dresser drawer where he'd left them. They were cleaner than the sweatpants he'd taken with him on the road. He sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard... and continued to resist the temptation to have a look-see at that book.
It don't look like a diary entry, the way she wrote it... is she trying to play some of those songs by ear? Maybe she had wanted to sing along and had to refer to the notebook for the lyrics she didn't know by heart. They didn't have any sheet music handy, so Joel had just been teaching her what he had in his head; maybe she was now able to apply it to other songs. Just knowing that she'd been practicing gave him the itch to play a little himself. He reached over and pulled the guitar up onto the bed... strummed it... the E is a little flat, but she must be keeping it in tune, for the most--
Ellie came flying into the room, clad in only her bra and panties. "What the fuck are you doing!" she yelled at him. "Did you look at anything in here?!"
Amused, he held his hands up, removing them from the guitar like he'd just been doing something indecent. "By 'anything,' I assume you mean that notebook right there?"
She snatched up the offending notebook and clutched it to her chest, glaring at him. "What did you see?"
"Nothin'. I swear. I noticed it, of course... but I didn' know if you'd want me lookin' at it, so... I guess I got the answer to that one now."
"You better not be lying," she scowled.
"Would I lie about--"
"Yes!"
He chuckled. "Didn't we jus' say we were gonna be honest with each other from here on out?"
"That doesn't mean you wouldn't lie about this."
She is just too damn cute. "You really have that little faith in me? Hm? C'mere..."
"No -- I'm almost done -- just... close your eyes for a second. Until I get back to the bathroom."
"Uh... why? Ain't like I've never seen--"
"Just do it!"
He closed his eyes. Covered them with his hand, even, just for show. He heard a drawer open, then close. Heard the bathroom door shut.
Obviously, she had grabbed something to change into. He assumed her regular nightclothes were still at Tommy and Maria's, so tonight's attire was bound to be the sexy nightie she hadn't bothered to bring over there. He would act reasonably surprised when she returned.
The notebook had either accompanied her to the bathroom or been put away in that drawer. Shit -- maybe that's all she was doing? Hiding it from me? As if he couldn't just go search each drawer now that she was gone. As much as he liked to mess with her sometimes, Joel wouldn't be a dick about something she obviously felt very strongly about. He would busy himself with tuning the guitar while he waited.
Ellie was only gone another minute or so. "Think that's it," he mused to himself, strumming a couple in-tune chords before looking up. "Whoa..."
She grinned and did a little twirl in the doorway. "You like?"
It didn't look like lingerie, exactly... more like sexy pajamas: a nearly-sleeveless top with a swoopy neckline and obscenely-short shorts, in a rich emerald green color that looked fantastic on her. "I do. You look... ... mm." It came out more like a grunt than a word.
"I look 'mm'?" she giggled.
"Yes. Where'd you go -- Sophie's closet?"
She picked up the notebook off the dresser; she must have set it down before twirling for him, because Joel was sure she hadn't left him alone in the room with it. "No -- I mean, yeah, but her drawers, not her closet, and there was nothing good left, so I went to the actual store -- I wanted something nice for when you came home."
Aww. "Well, you look very--"
"I just tuned that yesterday, you know," she interrupted defensively. "I tune it pretty much every time I play."
"It wasn't bad," he acknowledged. "But that's why you do wanna tune it a lot. 'Cause it'll go off just a lil' bit, pretty quick. That's good that you can do it by ear." Nothing against those little battery-operated gizmos that helped you tune -- they'd had one at Golden Sands -- but he'd tried to teach Ellie not to rely on that, since they didn't have one here. He could probably hunt one down or put in a request for one, but he felt she had a good enough ear to do it by hand.
Now she was looking around... trying to find a place to put the damn notebook. She settled on the floor of the closet.
"I ain't gonna read it if you don't want me to, kiddo."
She slid the closet door shut. "I know. Still needs to go somewhere -- for now."
He didn't think that she did know that, actually, but he wouldn't belabor the point. He set the guitar aside and pulled her close as soon as she finally ventured within his reach. "You're even prettier than I remember," he told her; he needed to compliment her more often, since he never had managed to convince her it was true (and besides, hadn't he just vowed to tell her every hour from here on out?).
She smiled, settling into his arms happily. "Prettier than you remember from a minute ago?" she teased.
"Yes. Definitely. You get prettier by the minute. Unlike myself. I just get uglier an' uglier as--"
"Stop!" She swatted him. "If you're talking about your ear... it's not ugly. It's just... not there? Part of it! The rest of it is... still gorgeous..." But she giggled a little when she said it.
"Sure it is." He let her inspect it, since he'd been careful to keep her on his other side and she hadn't seen it much up close. The soft bedroom lighting probably hides the worst of it... natural light tended to make things look worse. "What happened to us not lyin' anymore?"
"I'm not lying!" she lied. "The wound needs to heal, obviously, but this bottom part here is fine..."
He could tell she was fixing to kiss it... he jerked away. "Come over to the other side. C'mon."
"I wasn't gonna touch the injured part," she protested, but she did crawl over him when he started yanking her in that direction. "Joel, I'm not grossed out by it or anything. Nothing about you could ever gross me out."
Oh, Joel could think of a few things that definitely would, but he would keep those to himself. He smiled at her fondly. "That's real sweet. Thank you."
She kissed him just as sweetly. "I love you. ...I still kind of can't believe you're back."
He caressed her cheek. "I'll never leave you again. I know I've said it before... and you've got no reason to think that this time is any different..."
"I believe you."
He couldn't tell if she was lying or not; he suspected she might be lying to herself. "It's okay if you don't."
"I do!" She furrowed her brow, though, like she was reconsidering. "I mean... the happy part of me does? The other part... the one that reminds me the only person you can really count on is yourself... it's always been there, you know? It's not any worse now than it was before. Because... you came back. Even after what I did... you still love me. I can tell -- I can see it in your eyes. And you're still... petting me and stuff, like... It's more than I deserve."
"No, don't-- don't think like that." It was understandable, but he hated that she felt that way. In Joel's eyes, she deserved more than he could ever give her. Can I get through to her? Or is it one of those things that's just going to take time? "I think we both have to accept that... we hurt each other. We made mistakes. But we've learned from 'em... and our intentions were always good. We never hurt each other on purpose."
"What I did was worse," she said quietly, eyes downcast.
"No. It wasn't. I understand why you did it. Why you thought it would work."
She chuckled bitterly. "Yeah -- because I was stupid?"
"No -- you ain't stupid at all. You took your cue from me. I've told you time and again that I don't want kids. You've seen how... relieved I am, whenever you get your period. Why wouldn't you assume that... that I'd be happy when you lost it? That things would just go back to normal."
This seemed to surprise her. "That's not what you... I mean... before, you felt like I thought of you as some kind of monster. Right? Like you couldn't believe I didn't realize you'd be upset."
"I s'pose I did, at first. But that wasn't fair. You took the facts you had... an' came to a logical conclusion."
She looked up at him then, and her eyes were moist. "I really really wanted it to be true -- when I saw that you did want it -- I should've just told you the truth right away. Before it like... had a chance to hurt more."
He smoothed her hair back. "You were too scared I'd leave. So you tried to fix it. I under--"
"Yeah, you mean fix it by fucking your brains out? Pfff. Real smart plan. Oh, and yeah -- in case you were wondering -- no, I'm not pregnant. I got my period like a week after you left. The second time you left, I mean."
"I... figured you would've told me by now if you were, yes." Of course he had wondered... but truth be told, he hadn't wondered about it even once since laying eyes on her today. Either he was too intoxicated just being with her again... or he just somehow knew that she wasn't?
She snorted. "Not that you'd believe me. I would have to pee on that stick right in front of you. Gross."
He smiled. "I could look away while you did it."
"No way! Cuz then you'd be wondering if I pulled a different stick out of my ass or something. Like if I stole one from a pregnant--"
"That wouldn't be necessary," he laughed. "Look at it this way. You kind of just... have to trust me when I say I ain't leavin' again, right? Well, I'm trustin' that you will never lie about that again."
"I won't! Besides, maybe I can't even have kids. After all that sex we had, and I still didn't get pregnant? Maybe the Cordyceps fucked up my insides."
That possibility had actually never occurred to Joel. All the time he'd spent agonizing over whether it was fair to stay with Ellie through her most fertile years, possibly depriving her of the chance to have kids after he passed... and it had never once crossed his mind that maybe she couldn't have them anyway. For reasons that had nothing to do with him. We really don't know how it's affected her... her other organs are working just fine... we know the fungus is in her brain, but that works just fine, too... It wasn't like they could just head to the clinic and order up some tests on this shit. Or maybe she couldn't have kids for some other unknown reason. But he didn't want her to worry about any of that. "The timin' has to be... just... perfect, for it to happen. Remember how long Tommy an' Maria were tryin' before she got pregnant? If it was as easy as havin' lots of sex before your period... no one would have any trouble. And plenty of couples do."
"Yeah, I guess. It's so not fair. Then there's Lisa, who gets pregnant by accident and goes to Idaho and has an abortion."
"She's even younger than you are. And the dad's a teenager too, ain't he? Don't judge her for that."
"I'm not! I'm just saying. I wanted to get pregnant, so it's not fair. That's all."
Well, I knew we were going to have to get to this sooner or later, might as well do it now... "Ellie... it's a good thing you weren't. I still don't want kids. I know it's confusin', 'cause I did care about the... when I thought you were..."
"Okay... so you don't want them right now, but don't you think that someday you--"
"I'm only gettin' older."
"...So?!"
"So... it ain't right, to father a kid an' then not be around to--"
"Oh, whatever. You're going to live forever."
"Ellie--"
"Okay, no, listen! Maybe not forever. But I really liked what you said, before." She sat up a little and looked at him, earnest as ever. "First of all, I don't think you asking me to marry you was a mistake. You also said that having a baby was the answer to the how can I live without you question. Because then I'd literally have a part of you still with me, and he or she would need me... and we'd help each other through it and stuff..."
"It's a nice thought, but it ain't a good enough reason to have a kid."
"Why not?! It's the perfect reason! And you did love the fake baby -- you even said so yourself -- so I know you would be a great father to it -- to a real one. For as long as you could. Our kid would have two parents -- two parents who love each other, not ones who are just together because they wanted a kid! -- so how is that not better than... than pretty much every other family out there? Hardly anyone has two parents. Some have zero parents."
Damn, she's really thought hard about this... "That don't mean that... I should be fatherin' kids at my age."
"Yes it does! Your age doesn't matter! Bella was twenty-three when she died -- she didn't have kids, but she could have. Edgar was killed on patrol... he was thirty-one. And that fucking bitch Rochelle was really young -- ugh, how the fuck can you drown your own baby girl?! She never should've had--"
"Obviously she wasn't right in the head." To put it mildly; Joel didn't understand that one himself, and wasn't of a mind to preach compassion to Ellie on the matter. "None of that has anythin' to do with us. With me."
"Yes it does! Because you would be a great parent. The best. I felt so lucky to have you for a dad! And that wasn't even that long ago -- you're barely older now than you were then!"
Joel had to laugh. "You know how messed up that sounds?"
"It's not messed up at all. Things change. And you've changed... Joel, don't you think it means something? The fact that you wanted that baby?"
That's called... making the best out of a bad situation. But he thought it might hurt her feelings, to know that. A considerable portion of him had been freaked out, too, which he'd mostly concealed from her. "Can we switch gears for a minute? We don't even know if we're gonna be stayin' in town. I don' know about you, but I sure as hell don't wanna be tryin' to raise a kid on the Outside."
"Okay so maybe not right now. Like I said -- someday! Like when I'm eighteen! We could live here then. If that's the rule Tommy and Maria don't wanna break, well... no reason to keep us out then, right?"
"All right, so we'll revisit the subject in two years." He could give her that much.
"Not even! A year and eight months. Almost to the day."
"Fine -- twenty months from now."
"Hey... it doesn't sound so far off when you put it like that... like it's just months, not years!"
"Don't be wishin' your life away, kiddo. You'll get there soon enough."
"Whatever. Okay, so we're having kids in two years," she said with finality.
"What?" he laughed. "Since when does revisitin' the subject mean... yes we will?"
"Since now. And you can ask me to marry you anytime in between there."
"Any time? Well, that's very generous of you."
"Hey, you did say you're not leaving! And you already asked once, so."
Actually, he was glad that she could view that whole shotgun proposal business with good humor. A few hours ago, she'd seemed embarrassed to admit she 'would totally say yes next time.' "Not everythin' can be scheduled, you know. As I'm sure you'll remember... sometimes life happens while you're busy makin' other plans."
"Right. Which means... if it happens before..."
He sighed. "Ellie--"
"Don't 'Ellie' me! Listen. What if we... don't try, or anything... but we don't not try, either. In other words: whatever happens, happens. And you did say that you were going to like... pay more attention to what I want, right?"
She really seems to have her heart set on this... but Joel couldn't just give in and indulge her like it was just any other whim. What she was suggesting was downright irresponsible. She would take offense if he said this, but he was certain she wasn't grasping the magnitude of what it means to have a child. "Yes. I did say that. And I'm gonna try an' keep in mind that... just 'cause I think you're too young to have a baby don't mean that it's true. You seem to feel differently."
"I do! I'm not too young at all!"
"But... I think maybe part of that is that you... ...-You like the idea of... securin' a family for yourself."
She blinked. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothin'. Just... this mornin', you didn' know if you'd ever see me again, an' now you're talkin' about havin' kids?"
"Okay okay -- it's too fast. I get it. I'll slow down. We don't even have to have sex anymore. Whatever you want."
"Uh... what? I never said--"
"I know, but you kind of wanted to start over and take things slow, right? Not all the way over like a clean slate cuz you don't want us to forget the past but like... yeah. Slow."
He chuckled. "I also said that I was thinkin' that way... 'til I held you in my arms and it felt as natural as it always has." He kissed her for emphasis.
She smiled. "Yeah... okay. Maybe we shouldn't tonight anyway. You're tired and stuff."
I didn't even have to tell her, he marveled. "The, uh... equipment is definitely a little rusty. It might polish up just fine... or it might not."
"That's totally fine. Honestly, I'm only wearing this because... I mean, it's not because I'm like... trying to tell you I want sex or something..."
"Like your signature move: the campfire grope."
"Haha, yes! Awesome. Seriously, though... after the way I treated you... and that awful, horrible last time... I would like to have good sex... soon. The making love kind. After that, if you want to... not have it, I'm--"
"Stop sayin' I don't want it. I do. Do I want as much as we were havin' at the end? No. But I do want you. All right?"
Her smile was a little sheepish. "Even I don't want as much as we were having. I am so sorry I did that to you. Fuck -- I broke your equipment. So it's fine now? Just rusty?"
"Think so." At least she hadn't referred to it as rape this time. "It's all right. You know, a younger man would've been thrilled to... satisfy you so often."
She snorted. "Younger? You mean like Clicker?"
"I meant younger than me."
"Which he is! So do you think him and Alyssa have actual sex? They're too young!"
He chuckled. "I agree. Like I said before, his parents have prob'ly talked to him about all that."
"And... I guess Jacob, with Alyssa, cuz she doesn't have -- fuck, he was all into poking Christine, why would he tell his sister to keep her legs shut? Maybe we should talk to her!"
Yep... too damn cute. "Us? Oh sure. We're model spokespeople for that."
"Why not?"
"Well... for one thing, didn't you jus' say at dinner that she still hates you?"
"But not as much as she used to!"
"And I don't think I've even spoken to her. Not one word."
"So what? You're good at lectures. And you do think thirteen is too young, so it's a subject you're passionate about..."
"Oh yeah, that's me. A crusader for abstinence."
"Yes! I mean, practically!" she giggled.
I SHOULD be, as far as Ellie is concerned... because frankly, no matter how careful he thought he was being by pulling out, as long as they were having sex, there would always be a chance Ellie could get pregnant. Maybe that wouldn't be the end of the world... but it was still something he'd like to avoid. I can be MORE careful... we can have less sex... but I can't give that up altogether -- we love each other too deeply. ...As far as preaching to those kids-- "I think I'll trust that his parents can handle it. Maybe they talked to both of 'em."
Ellie gasped. "Joel, you know what? His parents -- John and Georgia -- they're really old!"
"...Not really old..."
"Older than you! By almost ten years! And they have a kid, see? So--"
"Yes -- an orphan they adopted. A kid who already existed... not one they decided to bring into the world."
"Well... yeah..."
He waited for her to say more, because he could tell she had words on the tip of her tongue... but she remained silent. Apparently chewing on those words. "What is it?" he prompted her.
"Just... I'm an orphan."
"...Yeah? And?"
"And maybe that means I should adopt one. Gavin and Shannon did. This little girl named Isabel. Like a month ago. It's so easy to adopt a kid -- you don't even have to be married, you can be just one single person. You put in an order of what you want and they match you up and send you a kid from back east somewhere."
This was the first Joel had heard of such a thing. "When did they start doin' that?"
"I dunno... I think Isabel's the first one, so... recently, I guess? But... ..." She looked dangerously near tears again.
"But what?"
She swallowed. "I should do that... but... I really like the idea of having one that's... part of us. You and me. Seeing it grow... from the very beginning, you know? ...Is that selfish?"
"No. Not at all. I'd say it's... normal. Ellie, you're only sixteen. You don't gotta decide all this shit right now. Wait an' see what happens. Hell, there's no rule that says you can't do both." As soon as he said it, it hit him (and it was something akin to the bolt of lightning he'd been waiting for these past few months): I felt bad about depriving Ellie of motherhood... well, maybe I ain't necessarily? How do I know what all is going to happen? Some kid could just fall in her lap and she'd--
"Both? ...That's not really fair to the adopted kid. But... I guess if it was me... I'd rather be with a parent who loves me second-best than in an orphanage or whatever... where no one loves me at all."
Joel pulled her into the tightest hug possible. Gave her a good hard squeeze, to the point where she couldn't breathe, because that always made her laugh -- and this time was no different. "Do you have... any idea... how much I loved you, when you were my daughter?"
She kept her face buried in his neck. "I... guess? But I never... replaced Sarah or anything."
"No. You never could. But she could never replace you, either. If both of you were--" ...Goddamnit... It was still hard for him to talk about her sometimes. Especially in this context. He abandoned the thought. "You would love both of 'em. I know you would. And... need I remind you, havin' a baby ain't on the table for us?"
"Maybe not now. But it will be when I'm eighteen."
"We don' know that."
"I know it." She lifted her head to look him in the eye. "Because I saw how much you loved our... what would've been. It made me feel like the biggest asshole, seeing how much you did. And I'm not going to fuck up like that again -- not going to do anything like that, ever, so... like a year from now? After I haven't fucked up at all? You'll see how grown up I am. And you'll know that... I can be a good mother to your kid."
Aww... "I already know that. You don't have to be perfect for me to know that. A year from now, we might not even be livin' here." Even if Tommy and Maria let them stay, would other citizens run them out? Make their lives hell until they gave in and left? I'd like to think I wouldn't let that happen... but what do I know? There's hundreds of people here. The military's getting more and more involved. ...I'm just one man.
"Well, we could come back when I'm eighteen, then. ...Do you know how stupid that sounds, though? Fuck. I mean... I'll be the same person. Still me. I'll just have lived another few months so suddenly I'm allowed to be with whoever I want. It makes no sense."
Leave it to Ellie to round close-to-two years down to 'a few months'! "The line just has to be drawn somewhere, is all."
"Yeah -- it should be drawn where I want it to be!"
"The law don't care if--"
"Oh, fuck the law! Jackson made it up. Every place does whatever they want. Monterey didn't care, obviously."
He arched his eyebrows at her. "Are you really gonna compare--"
"Okay, whatever -- forget about the whole exchange program thing. No one cared about you and me, because they saw that we loved each other. That's how it should be. If you were a dick, then maybe they should care. But--"
"That's why the law don't discriminate, see. That would make it a judgment call. And plenty of people here... will pass judgment. Not in our favor."
"Well, they're stupid, then. Annie's on our side now!"
Yes, Ellie had mentioned that earlier. Joel couldn't fault her for confiding in her friend while he was gone; he imagined she was a more receptive audience than Tommy or Maria, when it came to discussing their relationship. She said she hadn't really, that Annie had guessed it. No matter -- the girl knew. Which meant Esther would probably know soon, if she didn't already. Annie was... a cool customer, for the most part; if Ellie hadn't said anything, Joel probably wouldn't have thought that she knew about anything beyond Ellie's 'crush' on him -- which was well-known around Jackson. He reckoned that if Esther knew the truth, she would feel the need to confront him about it... but maybe he was wrong about that. "Annie's your best friend," Joel pointed out. "She hardly counts as people."
"But she was anti, before, and now she's not! I guess I didn't tell you that part... when I told her I was in love with you, ages ago, but not that you loved me back. She tried to tell me it was wrong. Cuz of some older guy at the farm she liked when she was young and her mom getting her panties in a wad over it and stuff. So, see? I converted her!"
"How come you never mentioned that before?" Joel wondered out loud; he did seem to recall Ellie being rather vague about how Annie had taken that particular confession.
"I dunno... I guess I didn't want you to feel bad?" She sighed. "Okay, so, no lies... yes I didn't want you to feel bad, but I also didn't want you to feel like... they were right. Her and Esther. I worried about that a lot in the beginning."
He kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry."
"For what? Totally not your fault."
"But even back then, you knew... on some level... that I was gonna break my promise. I'm sorry about that. I see it differently now. See us, differently. I... don't think I'm any more wrong for you than any other--"
"You're not wrong at all! You're right for me!"
"...Perhaps righter than most. Which is good enough for me."
"Righter than most, my ass -- you're righter than all. ...Is that even a word? Righter? Sounds like writer... the 'w' kind of writer..."
"Maybe they're both words."
She glanced at the guitar, which was still on the bed... then back at him. "Speaking of... you know what I've been doing in here, since you left?"
That little glance made him suspect it had something to do with the guitar, but he would play dumb. "No idea. Is it naughty?"
"Ha! No! I mean... no. I was gonna say... I've been writing. The 'w' kind. Trying to write a song."
"You have? That's great, kiddo." And it hadn't occurred to him earlier, for some reason. As natural as it felt to be with her again, perhaps he wasn't completely... in tune with her yet (ha).
"Yeah. Except now I'll never finish it."
"Why not?"
"Duh -- cuz you're back."
"What? What's that got to do with anythin'? You can still--"
"Because it's like... kind of a sad song. And I'm not sad anymore." There was a shrug in her voice.
"I still think you should finish it. Maybe you're happier now, but... I bet you could still tap into those emotions, when you're playin'." He hadn't seen anything resembling sheet music when he’d glanced at that notebook, but then... how would Ellie know how to write that when she didn't know how to read it? Maybe she had devised her own system. "Singin' too? ...It was lyrics you were writin' in that book, yeah?"
"Yeah."
He nodded. "You've seen me do it -- playin' songs that don't necessarily match my mood. I was real happy with you on that beach, but I still played sad songs."
"You made people cry," Ellie remembered. "Especially Lupe."
"...Ain't she the one who would cry at the drop of a hat?"
"Yes -- dumb expression, by the way -- but other people, too -- Sophie, at least once!"
"Sophie's nearly as emotional as Lupe. If I made a dude cry, now... that's sayin' somethin'."
Ellie giggled. "Um... Carlos, maybe? No, Keith! You made Keith--"
"Now you're just pullin' names out of your ass. Anyhow... I still think you should finish it. You can work on it when I ain't around, if you wanna do it in private. Or I'll leave you to it, some time..."
"If we're even staying in town," Ellie reminded him.
"Of course."
She sighed. "If we leave, I'll prob'ly forget it all. I have the words written down but I'm still playing around with how to play them, and that part's all in my head."
"So you haven't played it for anyone yet?"
"Fuck no! No one even knows I'm doing it... ...oh fuck. Don't even ask me. Don't you dare!"
"I said nothing," he protested, laughing. But of course, he had been about to ask--
"How long did I have to bug you before you sang for me, huh? Ages!"
"I've already heard you sing -- you sing real good. You have a pretty voice. ...I'd like to hear the song you-- no, I would love to hear the song you wrote. If you would be so kind."
She squirmed and blushed... "Oh wow... um... even though I just told you it's not done?"
...and she's so goddamn adorable! "Yes. 'Cause I'm afraid you might not finish it. Hell, maybe I could help you with it. -Only if you want me to," he added. "No unsolicited advice, I promise."
"Ha... okay... umm... just... I think you might kind of... hate it, actually?" She cringed.
"Somethin' you wrote? No way. No--" He paused. "Oh, I get it. It's a hatin'-on-Joel song. Is that it?"
"No!" she laughed. "I mean... it's not... happy, or anything... but it's not Joel-bashing, I swear."
"All right then. What's to hate?"
"Well... it's... ... uh..."
"Maybe you oughta jus' sing it for me, yeah?"
She groaned. "I guess if you reeeeeally want me to... but you have to remember it's not done."
"Yes, you've made that very clear."
"What I think I maybe need help with is the guitar stuff. The lyrics feel like... they're just about there. I think? But fitting them together with the chords and stuff... maybe the timing of how I sing them, like how long to hold a note, or when to bunch the words together more... that kind of thing?"
"Hey, I'm no expert. I never did become a real singer. But I think I can help you with the guitar -- I can certainly try -- and as far as the lyrics... how long to hold notes an' whatnot... jus' sing 'em from your heart, an' that stuff will come natural."
She rolled her eyes. "Oh my God -- every time you say that--"
"I know you think it's bullshit, but it ain't. Hasn't it worked out fine for you so far? Every time I tell you to relax an' be yourself--"
"Okay, yeah, I guess. But... I've never sang this for anyone before. I might fuck it up."
"Understood. That's fine."
"...You're supposed to tell me that I won't fuck it up," she informed him.
"You want me to lie? How do I know if you're gonna fuck it up or not?"
"Yes you're supposed to lie!" she laughed.
"I've told you before -- if you make a mistake, just keep goin'. Don't let it... fluster you -- or derail you completely. I don' know the song, so I prob'ly won't even notice. You can tell me after, or not... up to you. All right?"
"Okay. Yeah... okay. So... I feel like maybe I should explain some stuff? About the lyrics?"
He shook his head. "Not yet. Let me hear you sing 'em first."
"Okay... just... I have to say, I can't even tell you why I like some of them... why they feel right. They just do."
"That's fine."
"And... I can't really look at you, cuz I still suck at the guitar so I have to look at what I'm doing and think about it and remember the lyrics at the same time. You said to keep going, if I mess up? Well, that's like... the only way I've done this so far. I can hear my voice and the guitar together in my head, but it's hard to make them both work at the same time. Which you totally do, when you play." She bit her lip.
"It's definitely a skill that needs to be honed. I didn't learn it overnight, that's for sure. I have to be real comfortable with... both singin' the song, an' playin' it -- I have to know it by heart, to be any good. Both parts. And you haven't had much time with the guitar--"
"I've had lots of time, lately!"
"The past couple months, sure. Nowhere near as much practice as I had when I was learnin'. I'm talkin' years." Not that he'd had as much time to practice as he would have liked...
"I actually only started writing it earlier this month."
"Well, there you go. Cut yourself some slack. Maybe I could learn the guitar part an' help you out by playin' when you sing."
She laughed. "Not like we're going to be performing it for anyone!"
"Says who? Maybe we will. Hell, if we have school plays here -- excuse me, town plays, not school -- maybe we can branch out and do a talent show."
"Oh my God -- no. Not with this... not with my song."
"Why not?"
"Because it's... personal! Private!"
Joel chuckled. "Where do you think all the songs you've ever heard came from? Someone had to think 'em up, an' write 'em... granted, a lot of 'em ain't all that deep..."
"I don't care -- I'm only playing this for you. Because I love you. And you... sort of know me by heart. If you're gonna try and make me play for a bunch of people who--"
"I ain't gonna make you do anythin'. Maybe we could do it just for us, then. I play, you sing. An' then vice versa, if you want."
"Or maybe we can do that with a fucking love song. Which this isn't!"
"Fine -- all I want right now is to hear your song. Forget the rest, all right? And don't worry about messin' up. Just take it slow. Pause when you need to. Don't overthink it. ...It's just me."
"Just you. Sure. Cuz I don't care if I impress you or anything."
He chuckled. "I'm already impressed. ...If you really, truly don't want me to hear it... it's okay."
"Ugh... no guilt trips! I do kind of want you to hear it. I wanna know what you think."
"That wasn't meant to be a guilt trip -- but all right then. Sit or stand?"
"Uh... sit, I guess. That's how I've been doing it."
He fetched her one of the dining chairs... and they decided to move to the living room because the set-up was better; it was easier for Joel to sit on the couch and face her directly. She put on one of his old worn-out flannel shirts, because she said it made her feel more comfortable to not be sitting there 'practically naked' (never mind that the guitar covered up most of her anyway). It was an odd look, but she was adorable as hell, of course, sitting there with the guitar... smiling shyly at him and then frowning at the thing in concentration, plucking at the strings experimentally and... he assumed getting into the right head space.
Joel had no idea what to expect. He knew she had some musical talent, but even so, lots of talented people who thought their original stuff was good when they were just starting out were just fooling themselves. He had already decided he would lie to her at least a little bit if the song was godawful. It wasn't like she was looking to play it for the town or anything. If she decided she wanted to perform for others, he would help her modify it enough that she wouldn't make a complete fool of herself.
She started strumming the guitar in more recognizable fashion -- doing chords. She repeated the same sequence a couple times... he wasn't sure she had started the song until she opened her mouth and began to sing softly -- almost too quietly to be heard over the guitar, but he didn't want to break her concentration or rhythm by asking her to turn up the volume.
"Some say love... is a burning thing... that it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a fading thing
Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
Because I saw love, you see it came to me
It put its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah, then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing
You see the cage it called... I said come on in
I will not open myself up this way again
I lay my face to the soil, my teeth to the sand
I will not lay like this for days now upon end
You will not see me fall, or see me struggle to stand
To be acknowledged by some touch from his gnarled hands
You see the cage it called... I said come on in
I will not open myself up this way again
You see the moon is bright in that treetop night
I see the shadows that we cast in the cold clean light
Now my feet are gold, and my heart is white
And we race out on the desert plains all night
You know I am not some broken thing
I do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee
No my heart is gold and my feet are light
And I am racing out on the desert plains all night
Some say love is a burning thing, that it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a caging thing
Just a killer, come to call from some awful dream
Ahhh and all you folks! -you all come to see
You just stand there in the glass looking at me
But my heart is wild and my bones are steam
And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free..."
She let the last note die out, then raised her head slowly, wincing, like she expected to see disapproval, or amusement, or some other undesirable reaction from him.
But Joel was honestly just... in awe. 'Impressed' was too weak a word to describe how he felt.
"Oh my God -- your eyes are all shiny!" she cried. "Yes!"
"You know you're pretty good when you can make a dude cry," he quipped.
"Pfff -- I make you cry all the time." She laid the guitar down and hurled herself into his arms. "Did you like it?"
He hugged her and kissed the side of her head. "It was beautiful, baby girl. Thank you for lettin' me hear it. Not sure I caught every word, though, so you might have to sing it for me again."
"You mean you just want to hear it again, period."
"Both, actually."
She pulled back enough to smile at him... and she planted little kisses all over his face, the way she did sometimes when she was really pleased with something he'd done or said. All I did this time was tell the truth!
"Maybe later," she said. "So you... understood it, pretty much? You think?"
"Sure. It was a... hatin'-on-Joel song in disguise."
"No it wasn't! Ugh--"
"All right, maybe not exactly," he laughed. "It was more of a... disillusioned-with-love song. Bein' hurt an' gettin' through it... but comin' out different on the other end. That better?"
"I guess."
He would classify the genre as more indie or alternative than anything else. But with a nod to country-- "Did you include the Johnny Cash 'cause of me?"
"Um... it's really cuz it popped in my head? Is that okay? Is it too much like copying?"
"Nah. I'm sure he won't mind: the man's been dead for more than thirty years."
"...Thirty years? You mean he died before the pandemic?" She sounded incredulous.
"Yep, people actually did die -- some of 'em -- prior to 2013," he teased. He was impressed with the imagery she'd invoked in her lyrics; it felt like a good mix of literal and figurative. "The desert plains... California?"
"Um... not specifically, really... I dunno..."
"I like the cage thing. Feels like it means somethin' different at the beginnin' than it does at the end."
"Yes! And like it's good in the beginning but bad at the end."
Ellie was so literal sometimes that he was a little surprised she hadn't written a completely straightforward song. One thing, though... oh hell, I guess I'll just ask her-- "That last line... the one about killin'..."
"Not you," she assured him. "Just everyone else."
He chuckled. "Oh, well, that's just fine, then. As long as you don't kill me."
She giggled. "It miiiight be a little exaggerated. But... no one gets it. No one understands. And I don't want their pity... I don't want them gawking at me cuz I'm different from them... you know? I think it's more of a hating-on-the-world song than hating you. -I don't hate you. Just so you know," she added with a grin.
"Thank you for clearin' that up. Thought maybe you were doin' a... keep-your-enemies close type deal there for a--"
She swatted him. "Whatever! You know I suck at that."
He gave her a big old kiss, as if testing the theory. "Mm, yeah... you wouldn't've let me do that if I was really your enemy. There's such a thing as too close."
"Only with enemies -- not with me'n'you!"
"Agreed." He cupped his face in her hands. "I like what you said before -- about me knowin' you by heart. Except... your song proves that I don't. At least not anymore. 'Cause I didn't see that comin'."
She seemed pleased by this. "You think so? You mean like... in a good way, right?"
"Yes. I'm proud of you, kiddo. At the same time... I'm sorry I hurt you so bad. I'll never do it again. And... I'm lookin' forward to gettin' to know you by heart all over again."
"Aww, Joel... I love you so fucking much!" she gushed, hugging him tightly.
They kissed and cuddled on the couch for a bit... then, just when he thought she might be trying to step things up a notch, she switched gears and started asking him about the composition of her song and how she could 'fix' it, guitar-wise. He was happy to pick up the guitar and oblige her...
...until they were interrupted by a knock at the door. Ellie looked at him wide-eyed, just as panic-stricken as if they'd just heard a moaning Runner or screeching Clicker.
"Joel? Ellie? I know you're in there. I see the lights are on."
It was Tommy at last.
~
Author's note: The song Ellie "wrote" is "Song For Zula" by Phosphorescent, although some of the lyrics have been slightly altered. I originally wanted to use a song that came out AFTER 2013 (I only discovered this one in 2020, but to my dismay, found that it came out in early 2013), so I could then posit that none of those songs actually existed in the TLOU 'verse and were therefore fair game... but in the end, I just liked this song for her too darn much! Even though it's not particularly guitar-ish. I'm sure her version is just a bit different from the one in our world :)
~Continue to Chapter 49~