Hourglass - Kai/Uruha, Kai/?? - oneshot
Title: Hourglass
Chapters: One Shot
Author: luna_no_koibito
Genre: Angst, Romance.
Warnings: men/men relationship.
Rating: PG -13 (I believe ...)
Pairing: Kai/Uruha, Kai/??
Bands: the GazettE.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and don't wish I did because I'd be sorry for what could befall them （・＿・；）！
Summary: Kai's POV
Three-thousand six-hundred seconds we heedlessly and shamelessly stole.
Sixty minutes that were never meant to have been.
An hourly deja-vu we've been skilfully reproducing and trapping in the now profane confines of my apartment, enjoying every single second protected in the solid barrier of Time, as we consciously and mercilessly trampled on everything else outside of it. An hour where everything stayed apparently unharmed by our voluntary misunderstanding of two very simple and basic aspects of life. And now I realize, in those moments, an hour was a sufficient amount of time, in which we never tried, not even once, to grasp the full meaning of those two aspects; the supposedly right, and the fundamentally wrong.
This is the hour I now selfishly chose to take away from you, from us, as I stand unmoving in my apartment, in front of this failed wooden protector, while I observe your every move through its peephole, mentally allowing the countdown of an imaginary hourly hourglass to faithfully begin.
It takes you five times of ringing the bell, and three unanswered calls to begin to panic … five minutes elapsed. Your mind, perhaps, frantically searching all possible explanations for me not answering any of them, the reason for unjustly depriving you of my usual smiling face, which would have eagerly welcomed you like it had, an hour a day, for the past two months; never missing a day, always right on time, and wrong in all the rest.
Then, in the exasperating passage of what now has reduced to fifty minutes, you finally realize you should have called my cell phone instead, and the second later you painfully understand that I've been standing behind this door, as I am ironically betrayed by the sound of my cellphone.
-Kai? Is everything alright? ... - you kindly inquire loud enough for me to hear your distressed tone, accompanied with the sound of your usual leather booths, cautiously walking closer. One, two, three, four, five steps ... five more elapsed seconds.
-Kai is … - you attempt to ask, but you suddenly stop, fear painted in your eyes, as you frantically bring out your cellphone, once more.
Is he back already? ...
I shake my head in denial, as if you could see me through this sinful door.
No
I simply reply, no period, no emoticons, no further explanation.
-Then … what's wrong? … - you continue in your quest, each word carrying so much fear, hope and love, because you really do, you love me, and I … -Yutaka, this is no time for jokes … - you nervously chuckle - … we don't have much time … - you rightfully observe connecting your forehead to that door you had never been forced to even touch - … I need you -
I close my eyes, resisting the urge to open this door, for I don't want to witness the first second your face would appear in front of mine, most likely smiling, but I dread that one fragment of second in which my eyes might grant you quick access to my soul, and let you see even the tiniest bit of sorrow, disgust, or regret, that I am feeling right now towards myself.
What we need, is to end this, that is what I want to say, it is the right thing to do, and really believe it at this point in time, but my mouth keeps falling open, every-time I try, as my heart harshly warns me from even attempting. Thus, I keep silent and unmoving, behind this now useless piece of wood, which will keep us for a little while longer, in our objectively rightful places; away from each other. The same way it should have been, two months ago, when I suddenly found you on the other side of it, with me in your arms, willingly savoring every inch of you, in my body, mind and soul; yes. You have gone that deep.
-Baby? … - You whisper and my heart stops for a second or more, uselessly wasting more of the thirty minutes we have left, as I swiftly reach for the handle, wanting to be held by you, wanting to kiss you, but right in that second, as I firmly keep holding the now warm metal bar, time has a different plan for me, forcing me to go through a quick summary of the past two years.
Twenty-four months of me and him; our unspoken promises of loyalty and undying devotion … a lonely tear … another minute.
Seven-hundred and thirty days of truly heartfelt happiness, occasional fighting, and the constant renewal of those promises … more tears … more sand.
Too many hours to even start counting, of all that I have naively given for granted, love, comfort, bliss, trust, security, a whole handful of blessings, and yet, I still managed to find the time to so genuinely fall in love with you.
Then, twenty-five minutes to the end, in a desperate instinctive attempt, you finally realize that the door had been unlocked, as you slowly push it open and cautiously let yourself in, finding me unmoving, my head hanging low, with increasing sobs.
Firmly walking towards me, you embrace me, holding my head in your chest, blessing my hair with the soft touch of your caress, as I tightly hang to your soon to be tear drenched shirt.
-I am sorry … - I whisper, and I truly am.
-It's okay … - you breath out, your voice and you heartbeat sounding somewhat relieved, and to my greatest surprise, managing to calm me as well.
-He doesn't deserve this … how could I … - I keep ranting.
-How could we … - you sigh readily correcting me - It's too late for that now though, don't you think? - you kindly observe tightening our embrace, as you place a a peck on my forehead - … we can't turn back time - I nod on your chest in resigned agreement, slowly releasing your shirt, and wrapping my arms around your waist, wondering if it is alright for me to steal another five minutes from our steadily elapsing time, by staying unmoving in this way, when you suddenly ask that one question we both know had been lingering in our minds.
-But if you could … if you could turn back time, would you? - I don't know ... that's all my head can think at the moment, as I keep my silence, but I do know I don't want to lose you - … do you … do you still love him?- you then hesitantly question, yet again I have no idea, for shamefully and sickeningly enough, there is a part of me that doesn't want to lose him either.
-I wouldn't turn back time - you suddenly and firmly state
-I know … -
-and I love you -
-I know … -
-Then? - you finally breath out, awaiting an answer from my troubled mind, quickly looking for an answer, trying to make good use of the ten minutes we have left.
-... We are just the right people, at the wrong time - I finally utter, my head not once leaving the security of your chest.
-Leave him - you then dryly requested -I can't stand this anymore. I need you, all of you, at any time of the day unconditionally - you conclude delicately lifting my head, holding my chin with your hand, and leaning down to kiss me, you as ever passionate and me as ever willing, your hands so soothingly massaging my scalp, mine desperately roaming on your back, as we lose hour self once more in a shorter version of our undeserved deja-vu.
When our lips part, I take some time to observe your steady features, you really want me, need me, love me, it's burned in your eyes, and I keep craving for all of that, reason why, I can't let you go, and we both know that.
However, at the same time I still can't find it in my heart to leave him, and I try my best to hide this emerging emotion, smiling at you, as you dry my tears, while I rest my head in your touch, and right in that exact second I finally realized, to my sickening shame and disbelief, what I really want. Thus, as I have been accustomed to, in the past two months, I look at you, the way I have been looking at him, and as I loose a piece of the part of my heart reserved to you, I lie.
-Okay … we'll discuss about it tomorrow - I tell you, as you reply with an utterly happy and surprised expression, swiftly leaning over to kiss me again, both of us smiling in at the contact; I'm the worst.
The last grain of sand as hit the pile, and I quickly give you a peck, apologizing once more for the what had happened today, as you exit our unholy sanctuary, while I get to the kitchen busying myself cutting onions, in order to give an alibi to my reddened eyes.
Five minutes later, the door unlocks an he enters, as usual eagerly speed walking his way to me, his demeanor and actions always so fast and precise, compared to yours, never wanting to waste time, even though me and him have so much of it.
-Tadaima! - he shouts with his distinctive Kansai accent.
-Okaeri! - I yell back, as I try to turn around, but he is faster, already behind me, with his arms around my waist, the warm feeling of his full lips on random spots across my neck, pleasurably making me shiver at the specific contact with his lip-ring.
-Yuu, That's dangerous you know! - I exclaim gently placing the knife on the cutting-board, and turning towards him -I could have cut myself - I explain, as he lean closer to me, while I nonchalantly place my arms around his neck
-I am sorry, I just get so excited when I'm around you - he sensually explain, knowing how much I love that part of him and as usual, we start making out, but these time, differently from the past two months I can't pin point the emotions I am feeling doing so, recognizing my kissing him as an act of betrayal, but exactly towards who, I can't tell, for I had decided to keep doing the fundamentally wrong thing by wanting both of you, for as much as I can, no matter how despicably wrong, I will keep turning both your hourglasses, until the day they will inevitably brake.
-What are you doing? - I breath out, as I feel him swiftly trying to drag us outside the kitchen
-You always complain about how the kitchen should be a clean place … - he explains with a diverted smirk on his plump lips, and I reply with mine, understanding what he means, as we find ourselves in our bedroom, on our bed, me readily on my back, him on top of me slowly sliding down my body, who is ready to enjoy it all, when my gaze suddenly falls on the wall clock hanging right in front of me; the second hourglass has just turned.
A few minutes of guilt.
Many more of pleasure.
And an assured eternity of suffering and damnation, but the truly fundamentally wrong fact about it all is finding the guts to convince myself that at this point in time, this is the supposedly right thing to do.
Tock went the clock.
Crack went the hourglass.
Gone is my soul.
A/N: I know it sucks but is okay, it just kept hammering in my head and this is the best form I could delivered it after three long days of labour (^_^!!!) ahahah, I'll do better! ｍ（＿ ＿）ｍ.