AKAI ITO #5 - IF ... - [TSUKASA (D'espairsRay) / TATSUROU (MUCC)]

[luna_no_koibito]

Title: If ...
Author: luna_no_koibito
Genre: Drama, Introspection
Warnings: slight violence, rather crude language
Rating: PG-15

Pairing: Tsukasa / Tatsurou
Bands: D'espairsRay / MUCC;
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and don't wish I did because I'd be sorry for what could befall them （・＿・；）！
Summary: Sometime, life will really make it a point to show us that, it won't go as planned (Tsukasa POV).

Dedicated to: siseja … it TOOK ME FORfuckingEVER! I know, I and I am sorry. Hope you like it though, thanks for always believing in me, and never giving up on me, love ya.

“"If ..."

一目惚れ(Hitomebore) - Love at First Sight



made by me


That instant.

That moment in which I could have so easily kept being the dickhead I was, as I so carelessly did in those days, giving a crap about my surroundings, that moment in which I could have simply let that stupid Ramune* ball just roll away from me, and not give a shit about whether anyone would have eventually slipped on it, instead, on that moment, of that precise day, I randomly decided that for once it wouldn’t' have hurt me to act a bit considerate, I decided that turning around, to search and spot that ball wouldn't have been such a taxing task. It was a fifty-fifty situation, like everything in life, the way I always saw it, it was either to make a decision to do shit or not to do it, to say yes or say no. I, could have turned around, or simply kept going. I turned around.

I saw you.

And that was it.

In that moment, however, I had no idea that that was going to be it. The end of me. At the time, I simply felt that something was changing, and I simply didn’t like the way in which things were changing, such as the way I was reacting to the sight of you. For some fucking odd reason I couldn't stop watching you, Tatsurou Iwakami. And it was quite clear to me, right in that moment, that I didn't want to beat the crap out of you, or bully you, or any of the other shit I used to do to keep me from doing any worse, I knew that feeling in my groin, but there would have been no fucking way in hell I would have admitted to wanting to fuck another boy. Obviously enough, I wasn't an eager supporter of homosexuality, and my brain had no intention of wanting to be either; vehemently so at that.

If you knew the degree of chemical reaction that my body had undergone internally, during that first time that I saw you, this sickening sensation, I can't even explain them myself, but they were overwhelming, and quite uncomfortable. It was as if my body was responding to you, way before my conscience could, which was completely unwanted, and totally out of character for me the badly notorious Kenji Oota. But was I really to expect anything different, being the illegitimate, and at the time unknown, son of the notorious and queer CEO Gackt Camui? The idea of having an homosexual father disgusted me enough, that I had been the one to not want to recognized by him. In the same way many other things in life bothered the fuck out of me. Love, for example, I never really understood, it was just something I knew girls liked to hear, something that would have their legs readily spread open, and that was often being used to accuse me when out of boredom I'd just move on to the next girl, you said you loved me! They would yell yes I did, so what? would always be my reply.

Yet, the fact that in the moment I saw you, I later understood that the two reactants, which were causing all those weird responses inside me were very much homosexuality and love, it almost had me hurl. I knew very well, cause I am a dick and fucking prick, but alas a quite clever and smart one at that. If .. if only I hadn't fucking turned I probably would have kept going on my way ignoring your existence, just as much as I tried to on the night on that of that day, when, as I went to the usual brothel with my usual crew, I banged two very beautiful girls. I screwed them so eagerly, roughly, I couldn't control myself, as I kept staring at their pretty face. Two very beautiful girls indeed; with very beautiful long black hair.

The following days, shit started to fuck up badly. Any little thing that had anything to do with homosexuality would set me off, I would become irascibly irritated by any gratitude display of affection by anyone, homo or straight. Thus, when it got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore, and mind you, I had a very short fuse, I would do what I knew how to do best; hurt and fuck. I systematically went to brothels, and fucked only long black haired girls. I would start meaningless fights with those whom decided to simply ignore my indignity, such as Sakamoto Takashi, better known as Saga. That son of a bitch, never missing an occasion to show off his profound love for that senior student. He, out of all of them, got on my fucking nerves; how could he so publicly and shamelessly acknowledge and declare that he liked someone of his same gender.

“Hey fag!” I yelled out one day, randomly, during our senior year “... yeah Sakamoto, I am talking to you, who the fuck else is a fag in this school? ...” I kept shouting, in the middle of the school corridor, as I slowly made my way among silently staring student, and Sakamoto simply standing there waiting for me to arrive “I mean … if any, they obviously do not want to come out, seen as how you are the only one who keeps parading it … even though your dear fag lover has graduated two years now, still refusing girls confessions just because you have a boyfriend you say” I provokingly hissed in his face, as he calmly stood there staring at my like I was the most pitiful thing he'd ever seen.

“Yes, I have a boyfriend Oota, what's it with you?” he calmly replied, while shrugging “... last time I checked, didn't ask you to fuck me, or to have any shit to do with you, so how about leaving me the fuck alone already, and move the fuck on … unless of course ...” he then stopped with a light implying smile, which of course, my mind completely read getting me extremely irritated and riled up.

“Unless what bitch?” I quickly pressed on.

“I gave it a thought Oota ...” he slowly began to speak, and almost in a whisper, loud enough only for me to hear “... your irritation, your hate for homosexuality, perhaps … you are just like me … you like dick, but just can't adm-” he tried to say, but before he could complete his sentence, my right fist had already collided against his face, shoving him to the ground, form where he successively pushed me away as I furiously began to kick him.

“You fagot! How dare you-” I bellowed, as I was finally being held by boys in my crew, whom wisely reached to stop me, giving as how Sakamoto didn't seem to want to defend himself, even though if he tried, he could have probably taken me down.

“I … feel so sorry for you ...” mumbled Sakamoto, as group of girls tried to approach him, whom however he politely dismissed, as he tried to raise up straight “... so much anger, nonsensical bullshit … you are giving yourself away so easily, you don't fool me Oota …” he firmly declared “... making shit so complicated, when you could simply accept it and move on, I do, I really … do feel sorry for you” he concluded, as I was still trying to get free from everyone around me. I swear, I wanted to kill him, right there and then, for saying such shit in front of me with no reserve; for haven been right.

He was right, word by word, and even though I obviously didn't show it, I watched you Tatsurou, ever occasional second, ever random moment, I knew your schedule by heart, I knew where to find you, I knew who you hanged with. There wasn't a thing I about you I didn't know, or so I thought. Because you hanged out with what you could call the liberal students in our school, advocate of equal right for everyone regardless of their sex, race or sexual orientation, I assumed, I concluded that you were gay as well. Now this will sound fucked up but, I am sure that this bit of information kept me from being crazier from what I could have really been, because in a very distorted way it meant that I had a chance, no matter how hard I kept denying my feelings for him, if ever on a fucked up day I were to give into my feelings, I wouldn't have been rejected.

Thus, when I came to find out that it was only my supposition, when I found out that you were in fact straight, something snapped inside me. The terms rage, desperation, and anguish were all redefined in my mental dictionary and brought up to never explored heights. I wasn't myself, on that day, which was during the week of our graduation, I marched through the school with the sole purpose of finding you. When I finally found you, the first in line in front of a vending machine, my blood began to boil. It was all your fault, I kept thinking, if only I hadn't seen you, if only you didn’t exist. The bell rang, as a consequence everyone scrambled to get to their classes, and as you waited for the machine to give you whatever you had paid for, I simply walked my way behind you.

“Excuse me ...” you politely said as I placed myself in front of you, while you tried to walk past me “... can I help you?” you then inquired, as I obviously made sign of not wanting to move away.

“... Could you please die?” I politely requested with a smile.

“Fuck off Oota ...” you then whispered, trying to shove me aside.

“You know my name, I am flattered Iwakami ...” I cynically grinned, even though, given my reputation it was only normal for him to know my name, whereas it was my knowing his name that was to be considered peculiar, given as how we had never talked before in three years, we weren't in the same class, we had nothing to do with each other.

“I could … say the same … didn't even realized you knew I existed-” you lowly stated, as I strongly grabbed you by your arm, and slammed you against the nearest wall.

“Is that so? ...” I hissed on his face “... well Tatsurou Iwakami, you pretty vivid in my mind I can guarantee you, whenever I fuck anybody, when I have wet dreams, when I jerk off, you are the only one I see, so as you can see, you are quite alive to me” I cynically professed.

“Stop fucking with me Oot-” he lowly threatened, but I cut him off

“O I haven't don't that yet, but I plan to …” I quickly snickered, as I pressed him further into wall, while staring at him, all traces of rage completely gone, what was alive in me in that moment was lust. I wanted to touch every part of his bad, to dive my tongue in his mouth, and fuck him senseless. The desire was certainly there, pulsing in everywhere in my being, yet, instead, I just stood there and stared at him, who was staring back at me wide-eyed. I dazed at his handsomeness, at those features that had haunted me for three long years, and all of a sudden, it was me who felt pressured. My heart began to pound in nervousness, my hands began to sweat, my breath to itch. With a simple and quick move I could have taken possession of that heavenly mouth, my head was tilted in position, only a thin slit of air was separating our lips yet, I didn't; I couldn't.

Apathetically, I released the grip around his arm, and as expected, he dashed away, as I fell to my knees, hysterically laughing, with my forehead against the wall, where I had shoved you, the victim of my issues. I stayed there, skipped two of my classes, and at the beginning of the last one I simply went home. For the following week until graduation I spoke not a single word to anyone, not my crew, my mother, not a single human being, and the day of our graduation, had been last I ever saw of you.

“This is … quite unexpected I should say ...” calmly stated my father, while pouring himself a glass of gin, as he observed me standing in the middle of his office, a few days after my graduation “I thought you … didn't want to associate with the likes of people like me” he added, slowly drinking some of the crystal clear liquor “so, are you just going to stand there?” he then inquired, a while after I simply continued standing there silently, and the truth was that I really had nothing to say, or rather, I had no idea how to say what I felt like I needed to say.

“Fag ...” I simply stated, at which my father silently looked at me, lightly sighing, with a we knew that already expression “... I'm a fag, I am a fucking fag! And it is all because of you ... you … and your fag genes … you-” I kept angrily hissing, and accusing, as he interrupted me.

“Do not confuse your addiction of anything that has a fuckable hole, with the actual feeling of wanting to respectfully embrace and make love to a particular soul” he firmly stated, standing behind his desk, gazing at me.

“What? ...” I quickly snapped, truly not understanding what he had just told me “I am telling you that I like men, and that is all that you can tell me!” I indignantly shouted back

“You do not like men ...” he calmly told me “... you are just a very horny individual, who perhaps happened to see a man to whom you felt attracted, making you want to fuck him … but that doesn’t make you homosexual Kenji ...” he kept calmly professing, carelessly brushing away my dilemma.

“I am not just attracted … to this person” I lowly hissed, as I replied and at the same time, admitted my feelings to myself.

“So is this, what this is all about? ...” calmly smiled my father, finishing his drink, and holding the empty glass “... you came to me in search of some answers about why I am the way I am, and maybe … I don't know … find a solution to it?” he kept talking in an apparently calm manner, but I could perfectly sense the tone of generating contempt surfacing.

“Is there one? A cure? ...” I cynically smirked, looking away, as I silently waited for what I thought was sure to come sermon, which however, didn't.

“Go to the eight floor and ask for a doctor Suzuki … that is the best help I can give you … he is good, he would be able to assist you” he nicely told me, and not saying a world, I left his office, and took the elevator from that last floor, all the way down to the eight. I could have acted like my ususal dick self, and keep doing nothing of what my father would tell me, but the underlying pity I sensed in my father words, bothered me more than I was willing to admit. Thus, I requested the person my father had advised me, that day I met doctor Suzuki, bringing along all my desperation and forlornness, and the final mental declaration, that I had finally truly hit the bottom.

Five years had passed since that day, and almost everything around and in me has changed, or rather stabilized. I've accept my father, and even though our real last name is Oota, I decided to change my last name into the on he is currently using, Camui, and I am also working in his company. I've accepted my homosexuality, I don't parade it, but I do say it upfront at any woman, who tries to flirt with me, which doesn’t happen often as of recent, given to how I only frequent gay bars. I am decisively more calm, and at peace with myself, I would dare say happy, if it weren't for one thing that hasn't changed at all.

“Haven't seen you in a while ...” friendly expressed doctor Suzuki, as I laid on the patient's reclined seat, even though I really wasn’t there for an appointment, those chairs just really feel comfortable.

“Yeah well … pardon the way this might sound Suzuki-sensei, but you are not exactly the my type ...” I cynically professed, as the blond doctor, got up from his desk, and calmly came to sit by me “... in fact, after all this years, my type still remains anyone with black long hair … it's been five years sensei … why ...” I resignedly sighed and questioned.

“Well Kenji, preference is not exactly something you can change like a pair of socks ...” nonchalantly stated the blond doctor “It would also help, if for once you tried and have a serious relationship, instead of the usual fuck-and-go” he genuinely stated, as I smirked “... usually a new love, is a god way of forgetting an old one, so give it a thought” he concluded, getting up and walking back to his desk. Leaving me there, laying on that chair, staring at the ceiling, giving it a serious thought, and finally decided that I would have tried, and get into a relationship.

And that had been the relaxed and resolved mood I had been in, before life decided to toss another coin, as I looked at the name of the first person I was to interview today.

“I ... Iwakami ...” I faintly called, as I stood in front of my office, staring at all the people dressed in suit “... Tatsurou Iwakami” I then called again trying to sound a bit firmer, even though someone had already stood up at my first calling, and was approaching me. I was in a daze, and also somewhat shocked, even though I couldn't tell whether it was in a good way or bad one. As the supposed Tatsurou Iwakami walked passed me into the office, I stood there for a second or more, then walked back in as well, sat at my desk, and I hadn't needed to look at you any scrupulously, I could tell, it was indeed you “You … you cut your hair ...” was the first thing that came out my mouth in that moment.

“So it was you after all ...” you calmly said slightly smiling, which made me incredibly uncomfortable. The atmosphere with which I had graduated from high school, suddenly fell on me, and the warmth of your answer, was clashing with the coldness of those not so distant memories, as I newly began to regret all that I had once been. I thought about how if I had been different, whether, you'd be sitting on my lap instead of in that chair with my desk between us.

“Yeah, I made a hell of an appearance when it came out that I actually was Gakut Camui's son uh …” I sarcastically commented, as he stood there dazing at me “... well I guess we shou-” I tried to proceed, wanting this interview to quickly finish, so that I could down my bottle of gin in remembrance of the day in which I would have probably finally been able to move on.

“It was you … at Ishin-Denshin ...” he cautiously interrupted, as he called out the name of the only gay bar I go to.

“How ...” I bemusedly inquired, as placed his resume on the desk, I placed my slightly trembling hands over it.

“I've been going there for quite some time now … but at first I completely refused to believe it was you … I mean, your homophobia wasn't something that wasn't known … ” he paused, as I began to stare at my hands “... but then I decided to ask, to make sure, so I approached one of them you know … one of your many black long haired guys, and they told me that … you were a nice guy, perfect in everything, but … you wouldn't give them your name, nor get in a proper relationship … so I still hadn't got any answer….” he then paused staring at me.

“Why … why were you there in the first place? ...” I tried to inquire in the calmest way I could, which however failed completely, allowing all my nervousness to freely spread “... I thought … I thought you were straight” I then added, in a much calmer manner, still staring at my hands, as I kept silently wishing for a way in which he could somehow forgive me for what I had done to him.

“After that day … the day you almost kissed me ...” you then calmly resumed “... I hadn't exactly registered, that that was what you'd tried to do, at first only the results of your aggression was alive in my memories, so I was terrified, and if I had the option to, I wouldn't have gone back to school …” you began to explain, and having to hear about that day from a different source, made the events of that afternoon resemble those of a horror story “... but once at school, you completely ignored me, all the way to graduation, not a word, not a look, it was as if I suddenly went back to not existing to you. Even though there was a part of me that was completely relieved, a part of me… the part, which finally acknowledge that you were in fact trying to kiss me, also awakened … in my dreams … where you actually managed to do as much, and more … so ...” you newly paused, and as I glimpsed at you, as your face turned towards the main window in the office “... so I started to question my sexuality, I still liked girls, but I found thinking about you touching me more exciting than being touched by an actual girl ...” you paused, and turned your face back towards me, your gaze spot on mine “I cut off my hair, assumed a new attitude, went on this sexual journey and ended in Ishin-Denshin, and when I saw you … oh when I saw you ... I know this will sound completely unbelievable, and border-line crazy, but I got heated … and right now … I kind of ...” you wondered off whispering, your gaze now seemingly lost in the memory of that day, your lips slightly parted by what I am sure is an illegal amount of distance between lips; so fucking hot.

“You … kind of ...” I lowly pushed on, as I tried to keep my sudden urge to jump him at bay; shit in my mind was suddenly getting very blurry.

“I observed you every night you know ...” you lightly smirked, staring at your hands in a bittersweet way “ I noticed how you were only going for the same type each time … black long hair … so I cursed myself for having cut my hair, and started growing it back again ...” you said, mechanically placing one of your hands into you shortened hair, a while after which you quickly looked up at me, looking extremely apologetic “... I apologize, I-I... got carried awa-” you tried to justify, but I interrupted you apparently decided that I couldn't, and shouldn't, keep it in anymore.

“I was there because of you ...” I promptly declared, as you blinked at me.

“M-me? ...” you so innocently and bemusedly inquired, as I kept deciding to brave it, while I got up, walked towards the door of my office, and locked it. Turning around, and leaning on the door, I feared I would have had to be faced with your concerned expression with me having locked us inside; but another part of me knew you were going to look at me with enthrallment as you did.

“The reason why I always only looked for black long haired guys, the reason why I had to accept being a homosexual, the reason why I am about to do what I am about to do ... is all because of you” and acting completely on impulse, I speed-walked towards you, leaned down, and captured your lips with mine, and as I felt you wrap your arms around my neck, I lost control it. Every cell in your mouth, your tongue, every corner in that eagerly desired mouth of yours, I ravenously explored, sucked on, and more, I wanted you so badly, wholly and immediately “Is … this … really happening?”

“It better be ...” you stated, as you pushed up, getting up from the chair, and dragged me to the desk, where we resumed making out. So now, ask me why all of a sudden I had so many questions?

“But … I mean … is this right? Does it make sense to you? ...” I tried to express, as you kept trying to kiss me, after which you stopped, took a breath, and smoothing your hands on chest, you looked up at me.

“What doesn't?...” you inquired, lightly shaking your head in a gesture of not understanding.

“I mean, not too long ago, I could have punched all the homosexual people in this town, I was also very close to raping you … shouldn't you be scared, disgusted, mistrusting, or something?!” I blurted out, for god knows what fucking reason, and the moment I pointed out all the known facts of this twisted situation between you and me, I wanted to kick myself in the ass for not having shut the fuck up for once. Now that I finally was a few clothes away from having what I had longed for years. Was I not longing for your body only anymore; … was that what they called love?

“Shit happens? I suppose … I don't know … I am to horny at the moment to think about something coherent, but all I know is that I want you, and I want you now … so” you professed, and tried to reach for my lips again, as I readily backed away just a little.

“So the deal is that I want you now as well … but I'd like to have you later, and later … and much later … like ...” I then paused, as you silently stared at me.

“Like … an actual … relationship?” you inquired in a slightly shocked manner, as I silently nodded.

“It took me a while to have to admit it, but when I saw you, and you may not believe me but … it was love at first sight … and I now I kinda want … I kinda would like more ...” I lowly confessed, glimpsing at you every now and again.

“Okay ...” you so smoothly and calmly stated, smiling at me, and pecking me on the lips “... you can have me later, and later, and much later, and for as long as you'll want me” you agreed with a playful smile in a whisper “but now … I still want you inside of me right now, can I have you, now?” you hissed into my ear.

The question was quite simple, and the answers should have been as well; a simple yes or no right? The usual fifty-fifty, that life had always offered me. Yet, as I went through all the scenarios regarding people finding out what we would be doing, as I went through all the ifs and buts, the consequences, the drama, for some reason, for the first time in my life the answer ringing in my head was only one “Glad I'll be able to see your face while you blow me … long hair always got in the fucking way”.

♥♥♥ --- End - The Short Thread--- ♥♥♥

AN: About time uh? … this was supposed to be a Valentine's day thing, but it has been dragged on so much. I apologize, life's not being pretty at the moment. Yet, I still can't stay away from writing, and I don't intend to, since I have so much to give still I feel, so I hope you won't mind keeping up with me and my random story for much longer m(_ _ )m

Love at first sight, in my opinion is that thread that is not even tangled, it is so visible so obvious, and the fact that Tsukasa tried to fight it so vehemently proved it; he lost in the end, cause he needed not to have looked anywhere else. Letting yourself go IS AS SCARY AS FUCK, I have a big problem with that, but sometimes, you just have to let things take their course, and see where it goes. If it obviously going to fuck up, then you should also obviously get it back to gather, but if it looks like it is gonna give you a good opportunity, just in a slightly different direction, give it a try! Then again you can fuck it all and keep going your way, sometimes perseverance rewards (lol).

Next … is the Severed Thread → Fukou - Ill-fated Love (Guaranteed: You will hate me. (_ _” ) … )

[Don;t know when it is coming next, but I'll try and make it as soon as possible, along side with my darling baby House of Sin]

Much Love -LnK♥(~_^ )/-