(no subject)
Personal rants incoming~! D=
Well, I'll start off with my inability to like myself. No seriously, really. That's not even an exaggeration. I really couldn't get to like myself. i hate my hair. i hate my height. i hate my skin. i hate my eyes. i hate my nose. i hate everything. sometimes i even hate being a girl. i hate that i'm not chatty but silent type. i hate that i'm boring. i hate that i'm not super friendly. i hate that i'm sarcastic. i hate that i have dry humor instead of being able to tickle funny bones.
it's not even debatable to me if i'm pretty or not, cause all my life i've only known myself to be very very ugly. that's not even an exaggeration. >_>
but what i hate most? i hate myself because of these thoughts. i couldn't take them off my head, and every time something bad happens to me, i would think that "if i were pretty, this wouldn't have happened." or "if i was fairer, then i would be pretty." and stuff like that. i really hate that me.
i've tried to go on counseling before, but it just keeps coming back. it doesn't help that in my parents' house, they call me "negra (nigger is another)" cause i'm not as fair as my siblings. and they call me "ugly" too. my first crush didn't help either, cause when i told him that i liked him, he told me that he'd "never like me" cause "he would never like ugly girls". My classmates in primary school picked on me cause i'm small and i have dark skin. that continued until highschool, and i still hear the comments "she's ugly", "she's dark-skinned!" blahblah... even now in college. And i do remember this particular time when boys in my class sang to me a song, "Silvertoes" which was a song about an ugly girl who felt she was very pretty and how much the boys hated her and her attitude. i cried. very hard. i felt alone that time, because they were all singing it to me.
so that thought made a deep impact on me, and up until now, i couldn't get over it.
it did not help that in work, i'm with my very beautiful, cheerful, friendly, chatty girl friend. i don't have anything against her, and i love her very much. but i hate it when people would compare us two.
i hate that i never get noticed with the work i do, because everyone's busy looking at her. i hate that my direct officer would rather talk to her than talk to me. i hate that my direct officer would call her and not call me - i mean, work related of course - when he needed me, he would call her to call me. that was despite that before, when they haven't talked yet, he used to call me for work. when they got the chance to talk, all my boss did was talk about her, ask about her, call her - somehow it made me feel that he would give me up so just to be her direct officer.
and was i right.
and all i could think was that if i was anything like her, things wouldn't be like this. if i was pretty, if i was friendly, if i was chatty, if i was a sweet girl, not the sarcastic, dry humored, dark-skinned girl, if i was like her, then things would be better for me... you don't know how dissatisfied i am with my self. =(
and i hate this feeling so much. i really hate it. i feel like a self-righteous, selfish bitch who couldn't be happy for my friend.
=(
Someone help me. Please.
Well, I'll start off with my inability to like myself. No seriously, really. That's not even an exaggeration. I really couldn't get to like myself. i hate my hair. i hate my height. i hate my skin. i hate my eyes. i hate my nose. i hate everything. sometimes i even hate being a girl. i hate that i'm not chatty but silent type. i hate that i'm boring. i hate that i'm not super friendly. i hate that i'm sarcastic. i hate that i have dry humor instead of being able to tickle funny bones.
it's not even debatable to me if i'm pretty or not, cause all my life i've only known myself to be very very ugly. that's not even an exaggeration. >_>
but what i hate most? i hate myself because of these thoughts. i couldn't take them off my head, and every time something bad happens to me, i would think that "if i were pretty, this wouldn't have happened." or "if i was fairer, then i would be pretty." and stuff like that. i really hate that me.
i've tried to go on counseling before, but it just keeps coming back. it doesn't help that in my parents' house, they call me "negra (nigger is another)" cause i'm not as fair as my siblings. and they call me "ugly" too. my first crush didn't help either, cause when i told him that i liked him, he told me that he'd "never like me" cause "he would never like ugly girls". My classmates in primary school picked on me cause i'm small and i have dark skin. that continued until highschool, and i still hear the comments "she's ugly", "she's dark-skinned!" blahblah... even now in college. And i do remember this particular time when boys in my class sang to me a song, "Silvertoes" which was a song about an ugly girl who felt she was very pretty and how much the boys hated her and her attitude. i cried. very hard. i felt alone that time, because they were all singing it to me.
so that thought made a deep impact on me, and up until now, i couldn't get over it.
it did not help that in work, i'm with my very beautiful, cheerful, friendly, chatty girl friend. i don't have anything against her, and i love her very much. but i hate it when people would compare us two.
i hate that i never get noticed with the work i do, because everyone's busy looking at her. i hate that my direct officer would rather talk to her than talk to me. i hate that my direct officer would call her and not call me - i mean, work related of course - when he needed me, he would call her to call me. that was despite that before, when they haven't talked yet, he used to call me for work. when they got the chance to talk, all my boss did was talk about her, ask about her, call her - somehow it made me feel that he would give me up so just to be her direct officer.
and was i right.
and all i could think was that if i was anything like her, things wouldn't be like this. if i was pretty, if i was friendly, if i was chatty, if i was a sweet girl, not the sarcastic, dry humored, dark-skinned girl, if i was like her, then things would be better for me... you don't know how dissatisfied i am with my self. =(
and i hate this feeling so much. i really hate it. i feel like a self-righteous, selfish bitch who couldn't be happy for my friend.
=(
Someone help me. Please.