(no subject)
First Week back from Spring Break...It was utterly BitterSweet.
And I'd rather not hold onto the worst.
Spring Break was fine,
Some things just happened the first weekend, then met Kathryn and Matt before leaving on sunday.
Ride to Canada was intense...
But the trip itself was great.
I love Ottowa.
First couple days met some cousins I never knew existed, we get along pretty nicely. Yeah they're the ones I was with, Kaysee, with the pictures.
Lived in my "Grandfathers" house the last 3 days.
Figured out why they wanted me to go. They're trying to get me used to the idea of maybe moving there with him.
You know, kicking me out of the house since I'm "making everything sick, and I'm ruining this family."
But I wouldn't mind moving there...I'm just not going to because I'm not the kind of person to run away from my problems.
I slept in the room, that might be mine if ever I choose to move there with him. It's Raja Mama's old room. [Raja Rahman]
And you know me. Usually I'm not a nosy person. But something told me I badly needed to know how life has been in my family. Things my parents hide from me. I know nothing about the personal history of our family. Atleast my mothers side...
I mean, We go to "mental health doctors" and my parents immediately say theres no past history of mental illness in my family.
Then I find, my real g'mothers sister was...well our culture kind of calls everything crazy, but she sounds like an extreme case of schizophrenia.
My mothers own brother has bipolar and at that period in time, the doctors mistreated him and he gained diabetes, forgot how to act "normal"...talk normally...anythng...he was...god I remember him...not as himself..but after they did that shit to him..his eyes were so hollow.filled with so much pain and confusion. just Trapped. Even Literally. My g'parents used to keep him in his room after he deteriorated. he needed help with everything...
oh but anyway, Raja...
I needed to know how to survive out of my situation at home. Whether I'm the only one whos going through it...
It's somewhat true..but I think I gained alot of insight...
There was just so much I didn't know about Raja mama...I mean...Not just him...most of the individuals in my mothers side atleast...
They go through so much, and I still don't understand why they let go of what really makes them happy and go with what our culture/family wants...
I remember my other grandfather and I talking when I was still in bangladesh...everynight we would get on the roof and I'd be so comfortable talking to him and he'd talk to me..I was only around 10 but..he had such a broken heart..he loved this girl in Texas..and he let go of her..he had to..and I hate that he had to do that. I hate it more because I can understand his train of thought now. I hate it because I see myself doing a similar thing. That G'father loved this girl; Becky...
Raja Mama loved Betty [Haha I'm not even kidding about the names]. And he had to let go of her..I'm kind of pissed off at Raja Mama's situation..because [if you know the whole indian thing about marriage] I've grown up with everyone frantically looking for a wife for Raja Mama...he's in his 40's now..and he's still single..but..I just..it makes me laugh how they make him lose Betty but still complain that he's still not married.
Things he's been through in his childhood..I mean, they might seem pretty normal/relative to us now...but it's still not in our culture you know?
But he was so lucky. The little amount of time that he did get his mom [my g'mother], he was so lucky...she was so understanding..she never judged him..she never..He went to her with everything. She knew about Betty, about him not being a virgin, all the arrests, about him being a bit of a closet gay for 6 years [everyones extremely homophobic so this is a milestone, ahah my parents took me to this seminar this sunday at the mosque where this misinformed "professor" talked about how much homosexuality is not normal and is a sin and ..well you know. it was hilarious. actually it pissed me off that they took me there. and thought of them so righteous that they did take me. like I'm gonna just suddenly be homophobic. I'm not even homosexual..god all this just makes me so sad and disappointed..back to the story]
well he was a fuck up. made alot of the mistakes I did, almost failed in his grades, then got into Julliard. Haha, fuck did he show them.
Fuck did he show them.
And it gave me hope. and it confused me a bit...
Why do we do all this to ourselves...why did he...
I'll figure it out.
I've just been feeling so abandoned recently...Everyones so busy with their own lives...
I hate todays standards.
So this week:
The Saturday I was back, Bails cancelled the family dinner [what a surprise] and I hung out with Ellen and Caitlin instead. Other than the fact that I've had a hard time feeling connected with people for the past couple months, it was really good. I needed to have that change of pace and I missed Ellen and Caitlin.
They painted themselves with my paint sitting infront of Baskin and Robbins, I bought bubbles at the cvs next door and we walked around blowing them, played in the playground, sat on the sidewalk blowing more bubbles, met some people, you just had to be there to feel how good it was.
walked to caitlins and lay in her hammock outside, talking.
went home around 11. it gave my mind to rest.
Don't remember Sunday.
Monday, Brought the bubbles to school, the usual craze. after school Kathryn Kron came over to GM, it was her birthday so I henna'd her at the park next to the Bike trail along with Ben and Mike, blowing bubbles. Haha I drew a penis on Mikes neck and a mustache on his face with henna. it stayed for a couple days. pretty dark.
Tuesday...just one hit after another..things just..kept disappointing me..Henna'd Martha and got the metro passes for wednesday with Martha and Hannah. Took some time for myself to think things through while walking home.
Wednesday, skipped school with the play in D.C. came back and caught up with Mike. Got Free Tiramisu, and Pizza, then finished doing the Henna for Ben at the park. Mike and I got free Cupcakes at Starbucks and talked on the steps at Broad Street [across my apt building] till 7:30. I really needed that. Though he failed at teaching me to skateboard.
Thursday....Lets just not talk about it.
Friday...it was just so hard to not let thursday affect me... I managed. Hung out with Paul and Mike till 7.
Saturday, yesterday, it was great. There are just alot of things worth more than money.
and it was all good. I'll write about it later. But I'm posting pictures now.
And I'd rather not hold onto the worst.
Spring Break was fine,
Some things just happened the first weekend, then met Kathryn and Matt before leaving on sunday.
Ride to Canada was intense...
But the trip itself was great.
I love Ottowa.
First couple days met some cousins I never knew existed, we get along pretty nicely. Yeah they're the ones I was with, Kaysee, with the pictures.
Lived in my "Grandfathers" house the last 3 days.
Figured out why they wanted me to go. They're trying to get me used to the idea of maybe moving there with him.
You know, kicking me out of the house since I'm "making everything sick, and I'm ruining this family."
But I wouldn't mind moving there...I'm just not going to because I'm not the kind of person to run away from my problems.
I slept in the room, that might be mine if ever I choose to move there with him. It's Raja Mama's old room. [Raja Rahman]
And you know me. Usually I'm not a nosy person. But something told me I badly needed to know how life has been in my family. Things my parents hide from me. I know nothing about the personal history of our family. Atleast my mothers side...
I mean, We go to "mental health doctors" and my parents immediately say theres no past history of mental illness in my family.
Then I find, my real g'mothers sister was...well our culture kind of calls everything crazy, but she sounds like an extreme case of schizophrenia.
My mothers own brother has bipolar and at that period in time, the doctors mistreated him and he gained diabetes, forgot how to act "normal"...talk normally...anythng...he was...god I remember him...not as himself..but after they did that shit to him..his eyes were so hollow.filled with so much pain and confusion. just Trapped. Even Literally. My g'parents used to keep him in his room after he deteriorated. he needed help with everything...
oh but anyway, Raja...
I needed to know how to survive out of my situation at home. Whether I'm the only one whos going through it...
It's somewhat true..but I think I gained alot of insight...
There was just so much I didn't know about Raja mama...I mean...Not just him...most of the individuals in my mothers side atleast...
They go through so much, and I still don't understand why they let go of what really makes them happy and go with what our culture/family wants...
I remember my other grandfather and I talking when I was still in bangladesh...everynight we would get on the roof and I'd be so comfortable talking to him and he'd talk to me..I was only around 10 but..he had such a broken heart..he loved this girl in Texas..and he let go of her..he had to..and I hate that he had to do that. I hate it more because I can understand his train of thought now. I hate it because I see myself doing a similar thing. That G'father loved this girl; Becky...
Raja Mama loved Betty [Haha I'm not even kidding about the names]. And he had to let go of her..I'm kind of pissed off at Raja Mama's situation..because [if you know the whole indian thing about marriage] I've grown up with everyone frantically looking for a wife for Raja Mama...he's in his 40's now..and he's still single..but..I just..it makes me laugh how they make him lose Betty but still complain that he's still not married.
Things he's been through in his childhood..I mean, they might seem pretty normal/relative to us now...but it's still not in our culture you know?
But he was so lucky. The little amount of time that he did get his mom [my g'mother], he was so lucky...she was so understanding..she never judged him..she never..He went to her with everything. She knew about Betty, about him not being a virgin, all the arrests, about him being a bit of a closet gay for 6 years [everyones extremely homophobic so this is a milestone, ahah my parents took me to this seminar this sunday at the mosque where this misinformed "professor" talked about how much homosexuality is not normal and is a sin and ..well you know. it was hilarious. actually it pissed me off that they took me there. and thought of them so righteous that they did take me. like I'm gonna just suddenly be homophobic. I'm not even homosexual..god all this just makes me so sad and disappointed..back to the story]
well he was a fuck up. made alot of the mistakes I did, almost failed in his grades, then got into Julliard. Haha, fuck did he show them.
Fuck did he show them.
And it gave me hope. and it confused me a bit...
Why do we do all this to ourselves...why did he...
I'll figure it out.
I've just been feeling so abandoned recently...Everyones so busy with their own lives...
I hate todays standards.
So this week:
The Saturday I was back, Bails cancelled the family dinner [what a surprise] and I hung out with Ellen and Caitlin instead. Other than the fact that I've had a hard time feeling connected with people for the past couple months, it was really good. I needed to have that change of pace and I missed Ellen and Caitlin.
They painted themselves with my paint sitting infront of Baskin and Robbins, I bought bubbles at the cvs next door and we walked around blowing them, played in the playground, sat on the sidewalk blowing more bubbles, met some people, you just had to be there to feel how good it was.
walked to caitlins and lay in her hammock outside, talking.
went home around 11. it gave my mind to rest.
Don't remember Sunday.
Monday, Brought the bubbles to school, the usual craze. after school Kathryn Kron came over to GM, it was her birthday so I henna'd her at the park next to the Bike trail along with Ben and Mike, blowing bubbles. Haha I drew a penis on Mikes neck and a mustache on his face with henna. it stayed for a couple days. pretty dark.
Tuesday...just one hit after another..things just..kept disappointing me..Henna'd Martha and got the metro passes for wednesday with Martha and Hannah. Took some time for myself to think things through while walking home.
Wednesday, skipped school with the play in D.C. came back and caught up with Mike. Got Free Tiramisu, and Pizza, then finished doing the Henna for Ben at the park. Mike and I got free Cupcakes at Starbucks and talked on the steps at Broad Street [across my apt building] till 7:30. I really needed that. Though he failed at teaching me to skateboard.
Thursday....Lets just not talk about it.
Friday...it was just so hard to not let thursday affect me... I managed. Hung out with Paul and Mike till 7.
Saturday, yesterday, it was great. There are just alot of things worth more than money.
and it was all good. I'll write about it later. But I'm posting pictures now.
